Obama Blames Media for Perception that Islamic Terror Is a Problem

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Frustrated by the growing exasperation of Americans with his feckless foreign policy, President Obama told members of his inner circle of advisers that he blames the media for “creating the widespread perception that Islamic terror is a serious problem. The number of persons killed by Islamists in the United States in any given year is tiny. The number of persons killed by home-grown criminals is over 15,000 per year. Yet, wall-to-wall coverage of an isolated outbreak in Paris earlier this month has vaulted this one category of violence to the forefront.”

Even worse, the attention incites more violence by its uniformly negative characterization of attacks that many of the Muslim faith see as justifiable obedience to the commands of Islam’s prophet Mohamed,” Obama contended. “This can only serve to diminish the opportunity for compromise and peaceful resolution of our differences. Perhaps if we made a greater effort to understand the grievances that provoke these violent outbursts of religious fervor we could see a path toward a resolution.”

The President contrasted the media’s undesirable response to that of the U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM) whose reports on the Islamic State were revised to comply with the Administration’s directives. “Admittedly, we have more direct control over this government agency,” Obama agreed. “But still, on an ideological basis I would have anticipated a much broader area of conformity of world view between me and the media.”

As a result of one-sided media coverage, I see a lot of knee-jerk opposition to the claim that sharia law might be forced on the American people,” the President continued. “The premise is that such law would be bad. But is it really? In a society inundated by pornography, what would be so bad about implementing more modest clothing for our women? In this era of growing godlessness, what would be so bad about incentivizing faith by levying a tax on unbelievers and greater privileges for those who observe prescribed religious rites?”

The President then conjectured that “since Islam is the largest faith in the world its universal implementation would be compatible with our devotion to the democratic principle of majority rule. Unfortunately, the unmitigated negative treatment of jihadis by our media drives us further away from what seems to me to be the most logical solution available.”

In related news, Obama voiced the hope that “the upcoming Paris meeting on global climate might help convey a message of good will to our Islamic brothers. No one suffers more from the unrelenting global warming than the people living in the Middle East. The West’s refusal to take measures against this warming is an act of aggression toward these long-suffering people. If we can show that we are willing to cripple our economies and sacrifice our prosperity to try to alleviate this warming we will extend the olive branch of peace to our enemies.”

Candidate’s Funding Solicitation Labeled Possible “Phishing Scam”

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders’ (S-Vt) effort to solicit donations via an email request hit a snag when the Google gmail software identified the request as a “phishing scam.” Apparently, the Sanders’ campaign promises of “free college” and “low cost prescriptions” were classified as indicators of “possible fraud.”

Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver blamed “Google’s limited understanding of the difference between real scams and legitimate political policies. The crook’s objective is to rob the unwary individual by proffering benefits that can never be attained. Bernie’s objective is to persuade voters to elect him so he can legally confiscate the undeserved wealth of the minority in order to redistribute it to the majority. Those who support Bernie are not targeted victims, but co-participants in the transfer of money.”

Presidential rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) disagreed with Weaver’s “attempt to disguise the inherent fraud of socialist economics as a legitimate political policy. Inviting his supporters to participate in securing loot by offering them a share of the ill-gotten gains doesn’t magically transform theft into an ethical action. Voting to help oneself to the earnings of another is still a criminal act. Using the government as an intermediary cannot cleanse it of its immoral character.”

Democratic Presidential Rivals Court Illegal Immigrant Vote

Democratic presidential aspirant Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) vowed to readmit illegal immigrants who were previously deported if he is elected president. “The notion that persons who have committed felonies in their country of origin cannot be allowed into the United States is unAmerican,” Sanders asserted. “Many of those who came to America in the early years were individuals given the choice of emigration or execution. That same choice needs to be made available to those facing imprisonment or execution in their home countries today.”

Sanders maintained his confidence that “only a minority of the readmitted felons are likely to repeat their crimes in our country. Our social safety net will ensure that their needs are met. They will not have to commit crimes to survive. For the tiny fraction who cannot be weaned from predatory criminal behavior our healthier and wealthier population can more readily abide and recover from the robberies, rapes, assaults and murders that may occur than their more destitute victims south of the border.”

Not to be outdone, Sanders’ main rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, promised to outlaw the phrase “illegal immigrant” if she becomes president. “While I have mistakenly used this phrase in the past myself, I now realize that it unfairly stigmatizes those whose fervent aspiration is to come to America,” Clinton said. “But we need to go beyond the narrowly circumscribed ‘felons’ that Senator Sanders seeks to champion. Jihadis are an even more oppressed group. They aren’t merely facing local law enforcement perils. They’re being bombed are massacred by the Russians. They need to know that they can find refuge in the United States. I will provide this refuge if I am successful in next November’s election.”

Holiday Surveillance Shows Need for More Executive Action

Despite urging from a variety of left-wing luminaries, discussions in most households over the Thanksgiving holiday did not pan out as hoped. Early summations of conversations picked up from eavesdropping by “smart TVs” revealed that the vast majority leaned toward right-wing views.

The President asked Americans to talk about gun control,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest said. “They did, but the gist of the sentiment was that more people wanted to arm themselves. Likewise, conversations about immigration evinced a preference for less of it. And practically no one seemed concerned about global climate change. Obviously, American opinion is not where it should be at this stage of the President’s term.”

Given the short time left until he leaves office, the President’s only recourse is to step up the pace of executive action if we want to make progress on his key priorities,” Earnest surmised. “As Commander-in-Chief of the United States, he believes he has the legal authority to order the confiscation of unneeded firearms, to grant the admission of as many immigrants as he deems warranted, and to institute whatever climate control regulations that may be required.”

Support for autocratic presidential action was rapidly vocalized by a cadre of 24 Senate Democrats led by Sen. Richard Blumenthal (Conn). “There is no hope of obtaining Congressional approval of legislation to restrict citizens’ access to firearms,” Blumenthal lamented. “Our more cowardly colleagues cite the Second Amendment and the wrath of voters in their home states as excuses for their inaction on this sorely needed regulation.”

Blumenthal urged the President “to save the nation from the impasse of misguided allegiance to an out-dated document and then ignorant prejudices of too many voters. Off-the-record, a clear majority of Congress is with us on the merits. If you could take the heat for overriding these obstacles you would be acting in the best interests of those who have dedicated their careers to governing this nation.”

Lord’s Prayer Ad Rejected by UK Movie Theaters

A 60-second video featuring various Christians reciting the Lord’s Prayer was rejected by Digital Cinema Media (DCM). The short advertisement was produced by the Church of England and intended for airing in front of the new Star Wars movie as part of the Church’s campaign to broadcast religious values to a broader audience.

DCM spokesman Christopher Kirk cited “a clash of values” as the reason for rejecting the ad. “Anyone who has been following trends in the film industry cannot fail to note that the message contained in this prayer is at odds with the major themes of the entertainment industry,” Kirk maintained. “I mean, the ‘lead us not into temptation’ phrase in the prayer is a blanket condemnation of everything we stand for.”

Kirk made a bid to reassure movie fans that “our profitability won’t be hurt. The 60-seconds has been sold for a short tribute to ‘Woman of the Year’ Caitlyn Jenner.”

In related news, French Ambassador to the United States Gerard Araud ridiculed GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s assertion that if some of the French victims of the recent ISIS attack had been armed lives could have been saved, saying that “Monsieur Trump has been unduly influenced by John Wayne movies. France is not the ‘wild west.’ We would rather be shot than engage in uncivilized gun-play. It is better to die with dignity than stoop to such barbaric behavior.” An unimpressed Trump tweeted “I suppose we owe France an apology for the ‘barbaric’ American troops’ ‘gun-play’ that liberated them from the Nazis.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Scottsdale Councilwoman Virginia Korte: Here’s a Little Message Just Between You and Me

Scottsdale City Councilwoman Virginia Korte keeps pushing her fellow council members to pass one of those radical and unnecessary bathroom bills. This is a special message just for the kind council lady. It was written by Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. Councilwoman, I think you will find it enlightening:

Liberal activists enjoyed quite a few years of slipping gender identity measures through city councils without people noticing. They don’t have that luxury now, especially not after firestorms like Houston’s. In the past several months, voters are wide-awake to the challenges on the local level and turning out en masse to stop the charge. After the landslide win in Houston, other states — including ones as extreme as Massachusetts — had second thoughts about the political perils of forcing the issue.

As part of the march toward bathroom extremism, the Bay State tried to follow in the radical footsteps of cities like Fayetteville, which decided that it was a perfectly reasonable idea to let grown men into the women’s bathrooms, and visa-versa, just because they didn’t feel like their gender! The bill would have added gender identity to the state’s nondiscrimination code, which already includes sexual orientation as a protected class. FRC’s Peter Sprigg flew to the State House to testify against the bill, which faced enough opposition to take local leaders by surprise.

It turns out that Peter’s argument, along with those of parents, pastors, and concerned citizens, was enough to sink the measure in the current term. The Massachusetts House recessed from its final session of the calendar year without so much as taking up the bathroom ordinance! As Andrew Beckwith from the Massachusetts Family Institute pointed out, “This is huge win” — not just for the safety and privacy in our bathrooms, but for the continued momentum of common sense. “Transgender activists have been putting incredible pressure on legislators for weeks now.” But because concerned citizens “flooded the State House with phone calls… we started hearing that the vote would be delayed until today and then, finally, postponed until sometime in 2016.”

Although the issue will almost certainly rear its ugly head next year, this is powerful example of what can be accomplished when we make our voices heard!

Reid and Obama Vow to Block Bill on Refugee Vetting

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) and President Obama vowed they would block a House-passed measure to increase scrutiny of refugees from Syria and Iraq. Concern that terrorists might be hiding among those seeking to escape the war zone led to a veto-proof 289-137 bipartisan majority favoring the bill. Under the bill, the Department of Homeland Security, FBI and director of National Intelligence would have to certify a refugee posed no security threat before he or she could be admitted into the United States.

Only a tiny minority of the Syrians who come to this country are likely to be terrorists,” Obama pointed out. “The damage they might do pales in comparison to the stain on our nation’s honor that would ensue if we close our border to them. The number of people who might be killed by any terrorists we let in is small in comparison to the number of people shot in my home town of Chicago each year.”

A contrasting view of the risks was posited by Syrian Ambassador Riad Abbas who estimated that “20% of the refugees have ties to ISIS. President Obama’s characterization of these refugees as widows and orphans is far off the mark. The vast majority are unattached young men. Many have openly declared that their motivation is to take advantage of the West’s generous welfare programs. But as we have seen in Europe, many of these young men bring civil unrest and violent impulses with them. And last year, terrorists killed over 30,000 people worldwide. Perhaps the United States should exercise more caution concerning who it invites into its borders.”

Meanwhile, in Turkey eight ISIS terrorists posing as Syrian refugees were arrested. The Islamic State called the arrests “a minor setback. The infidels may congratulate themselves for striking us with this pinprick, but this cell is just the tip of a huge iceberg of more than 4,000 covert operatives that have made it into western nations hidden among refugees. This iceberg will sink their decadent societies.”

While the President promised to veto any bill that reaches his desk, Reid reassured him that “it won’t come to that. We will protect the President and filibuster the bill to prevent the Senate from voting on it. The GOP is using the fear of being murdered by terrorists to divert voters from the greater threat posed by the Republican Party’s attempt to undermine the authority of America’s duly elected ruler. No amount of bombings or shootings by terrorists could thwart President Obama’s authority to rule this country. Clearly, they are the lesser enemy.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch, called the proposed screening “impractical and impossible. All of our resources are already committed to higher priorities. Right-wing opponents of the President’s efforts to transform the nation are a much greater danger. Their propaganda has a majority of voters thinking that ‘all lives matter’ in direct opposition to the social justice movement’s struggle to obtain recognition for the slogan ‘black lives matter.’ Now is not the time to reallocate our attention toward this so-called terrorist danger.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced a shift in budgeted funds: cutting money to the Veterans’ Administration by $2.6 billion and boosting money to facilitate Syrian immigration by $4.5 billion. Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as “common sense. Veterans are a declining group that represents America’s past. Syrian immigrants are a rapidly breeding cohort that represents this country’s future.”

Sanders Explains Democratic Socialism

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) made an effort to define democratic socialism in a speech to Georgetown University students this week.

Unlike the socialism imposed by Lenin or Mao, democratic socialism allows voters to select who will rule over them,” Sanders said. “With the backing of the electorate, these rulers will redress the inequities stemming from inequalities that are no fault of the individual.”

Sanders asserted “the notion that a person’s hard work might entitle him to a disproportionate share of the world’s wealth is just plain wrong. A person’s ability to work hard is an inheritance that he did not earn. Likewise, a person’s inability to work hard is also an inheritance he did nothing to deserve. Democratic socialism places the well-being of the much larger number of persons unsuited to hard work ahead of the minority unfairly gifted with this ability. It uses democratic means for seizing the outputs of those with greater ability and redistributing them for the benefit of those with greater need.”

In a family, the parents distribute the benefits of food, clothing, housing, and everything else to all their children,” Sanders argued. “They don’t allow some to prosper while others are neglected. Democratic socialism merely extends the concept of family to everyone under the regime’s jurisdiction. Government assumes the role of the parent and metes out a fair share to all its children.”

Sanders acknowledged the possibility that “some of the state’s children might need to be disciplined for selfish behavior. It will be the government’s job to ascertain the abilities of all and ensure that those who are capable are assigned an appropriate share of the chores of sustaining the national family. The collective good of the whole cannot be allowed to suffer due to shirking by the capable.”

The success of my campaign will show whether America is ready for democratic socialism,” Sanders said. “My guess is that the needy outnumber the able by a considerable margin. Convincing this huge majority to vote for a system that will empower them to confiscate the surplus produced by the able is my biggest challenge.”

Paris Terror Attack Spurs Call for Gun Control

Despite the fact that France has some of the strictest gun-control laws in the world, the massacre of over 100 people in Paris by gun and bomb wielding Islamic terrorists has inspired Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) to call for more stringent gun-control regulations in America.

I don’t mean to belittle the grief felt by so many after the tragic events in Paris, but I shudder to think how much worse it would have been if the victims had been armed,” Schakowsky said. “Bullets could have been coming from every direction. Police would have been confused over who were the perpetrators.”

If a similar attack were to take place in America it is likely that a significant number of intended victims would, due to our lax gun-control laws, be carrying concealed weapons,” Schakowsky lamented. “There would have been complete chaos. Who knows how many may have fallen victim to friendly fire.”

If we want to be a civilized society we must give up the idea of an individual right of self-defense,” the Congresswoman contended. “We must place our trust in collective-defense even if this means that in a given situation an individual may be helpless in a confrontation with an armed assailant. I don’t think it’s asking too much for our citizens to lay down their lives in pursuit of the goal of a more civilized society.”

In related news, US Secretary of State John Kerry denounced the Paris terror attack as “completely unjustified” and contrasted it with the more “legitimate murder” of the editorial staff of Charlie Hebdo earlier this year. “Killing people at a restaurant and theater was just unfocused violence,” Kerry said. “What is the message? Don’t go out to eat? Don’t attend a concert? Killing the editors at the magazine made more sense. People know what to do to stay safe—don’t mock Islam. President Obama has been urging people to not mock Islam for some time now. So, the victims at Charlie Hebdo can’t say they weren’t warned.”

California Governor Hails Transformation of State’s Economy

A report indicating that 9,000 businesses have relocated headquarters and other operating units outside of California in the last seven years was hailed by Governor Jerry Brown (D) as “encouraging news.” According to the report prepared by Joseph Vranich, a site selection consultant and president of Irvine, California-based Spectrum Location Solutions, the exiting companies experienced cost-savings of 20-35%.

Some will try to characterize this as a loss for the state, but I don’t see it that way,” Brown said. “Wage-slavery is one the greatest infringements on personal freedom in our time. By inducing 9,000 exploiters to leave we are reducing this scourge for all Californians.”

Brown suggested that Californians who lost jobs as a result of the corporate migration “will have more free time to enjoy life. Our state’s social safety net will provide a livable income for most. Others may find joining an agrarian commune a more rewarding lifestyle.”

And let’s not forget the positive environmental impacts,” Brown added. “Workers driving to jobs are major contributors to air pollution. With 9,000 fewer employers and a million fewer jobs traffic on our states roads is way down. Everyone is breathing cleaner air. That’s probably having a bigger impact on health in our state than Obamacare.”

Government Steals More than Burglars

Data for 2014—the latest year available—indicates that burglars absconded with $3.9 billion worth of victims’ property. At the same time, “civil forfeiture” made off with $4.5 billion worth.

The civil forfeiture statute was initially sold as a tool for coping with organized crime. It has morphed into crime wave in which police seize cash from individuals on the slimmest of pretexts and dare the owner to try to get it back through cumbersome and costly procedures.

A favored tactic is to assert that any cash that a person may be carrying was obtained via criminal activity. As proof, police cite the traces of cocaine that can be found on most currency. Washington DC Chief of Police Robyn Moore bragged that “this law is a godsend for police departments everywhere. We don’t have to sit back and wait for a city council to appropriate funds. We can just go out and take it from suspicious characters on the street. With the cocaine traces we have a prima facie case against the cash. It is then up to the claimant to prove that the money wasn’t involved in any illegal activities. Few are up to that task.”

A class action suit has been filed against the DC Police Department whose officers have been instructed to seize amounts of cash as small as $100. Moore remained confident that her agency would prevail in the case because “we have debit cards now. No honest person has a need for that much cash.”

Every Child Has Potential, Says Planned Parenthood

During last weekend’s Democratic debate, Planned Parenthood tweeted that “every child deserves the opportunity to live up to their God given potential.” The tweet was intended to support presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been a stalwart backer of the organization.

Inasmuch as Planned Parenthood has accounted for the termination of the lives of tens of millions of children since 1973’s Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, many found the tweet ironic. “Not so,” insisted President Cecile Richards. “When you look at the home environments that would have awaited the vast majority of those aborted it should be clear that a role as a parts supplier for medical research is probably the highest potential for these ill-begotten offspring. Exchanging that for a life of crime, poverty, and suffering is, I think, a net gain for humanity.”

In related news, the disclosure of an email in which Hillary Clinton confidante Huma Abedin described the former Secretary of State as “often confused” was made into lemonade by her presidential campaign manager Robby Mook. “You know, the average American is often confused,” Mook observed. “I think the voters will see Secretary Clinton as a kindred spirit.” Mook did aver that a possible downside is that “Sanders may be seen as even more confused. Hopefully, we will have enough money to overcome that obstacle.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Ducey Supports Congress for Examining Refugee Tide

Gov. Doug Ducey said of the efforts to bring refugees here from the Middle East …

“If ever there were a time to put politics aside, it’s right now. With reports that even officials within the federal government have previously expressed concerns about the screening of refugees, it remains imperative that this issue be taken seriously and that our government put the security of the American people first.

“On Monday, I called on national leaders to act with urgency in protecting our homeland, and I am encouraged by efforts in Congress to pause refugee admissions from Syria and Iraq until we have a new standard of verification and assurances to the public.

“This legislation is a good first step, but it should not be a last step. It’s still important that states have greater oversight and authority in this process. I hope leaders on both sides of the aisle can come together and place the security of our nation before all else.”

University Students Rally for Tyranny

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe protests at the University of Missouri that resulted in the ouster of President Tim Wolfe and Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin have reinvigorated student movements against freedom of speech across the nation.

Brenda Smith-Lezama, vice president of the Missouri Students Association, took pride in the rising groundswell of support for censorship saying “it’s about time the youth of this nation take a stand against the verbal pollution that hides behind the First Amendment. Social justice shouldn’t be thwarted by slavish devotion to the out-dated idea that everyone has the right to speak his mind regardless of the consequences.”

Smith-Lezama hailed the intimidation of student journalist Tim Tai as “an example of the will of the people triumphing over the sterile notion that the press should be free to oppose progressive values. The people have a right to decide what will be written about. So-called journalists can have no right to independently determine what will or won’t be covered if it contradicts the aims of social justice.”

At Amherst College student activists have given the administration 48 hours to comply with its list of nonnegotiable demands. Alleging that “freedom of speech is part of this nation’s historic legacy of oppression,” the activists demanded that students demonstrating for “free speech” and insulting progressives with banners proclaiming “all lives matter,” be “warned that statements offensive to social justice will not be tolerated” and that “disciplinary action against future offenders be made a school policy.”

At the University of Massachusetts, student protesters vowed “there will be no peace until all university tuition and fees are waived and outstanding student debt is canceled.” Chrissy Dasco, of the Center for Educational Policy and Advocacy, argued that “forcing students to pay for their own college education violates the Constitution’s guarantees of liberty and pursuit of happiness. A person can’t truly be free or happy if he or she is burdened with having to pay for an education. It is the government’s obligation to provide a college education to anyone who deserves it. Even the citizens of North Korea have that right.”

At Claremont McKenna College in California, Dean of Students Mary Spellman resigned in the face of a threatened hunger-strike by students alleging “lack of support for students of color.” The hunger-strikers contend that “the administration’s refusal to assign white students to do the work of minority students reneges on the responsibility of the white race to atone for the hundreds of years of slavery imposed on blacks in America. The only way for the scales of social justice to be balanced is for whites to be forced to labor on behalf of blacks, just as blacks were forced to labor on behalf of whites before the Civil War.”

President Obama praised the rising tide of student activism calling it “a vindication of my faith in the political wisdom and energy of this country’s younger generation. They are breaking free of the traditional constraints of our society and creating new realities with new rules for a new future.”

Swedish Court Rules Medical Personnel Have No Right to Opt out of Abortions

While acknowledging that the law requiring medical practitioners to conduct abortions may violate the moral objections of some individuals, a Swedish court ruled that “a citizen’s legal obligation to obey the law takes precedence over a private right of conscience.”

The case arose when nurse Ellinor Grimmark sought to be excused from assisting in abortion procedures. “I did not seek to impose my will upon the patients seeking these procedures,” Grimmark said. “I only sought to avoid complicity in this crime against the human rights of the little children.”

Judge Lief Niflheim was not entirely unsympathetic to Grimmark’s position, but averred that “membership in civil society carries the obligation to submit to its laws, heinous as they may appear from one’s personal perspective. An appeal to a so-called higher morality has no legal weight if the country’s law makers have decided otherwise. Order would devolve into chaos if every individual’s pangs of conscience had to be taken into consideration. Until such a time as the envisioned ‘higher morality’ has a mechanism to compel compliance each member of society is expected to obey the laws decreed by their government.”

Grimmark now cannot work as a nurse in Swden and has had to leave the country and find employment in Norway.

In America, Planned Parenthood president and CEO Cecile Richards defended the practice of harvesting baby parts from aborted children as “fiscally sound. Look, mothers have the legal right to terminate unwanted pregnancies. Once the termination has been effected the baby is already dead. Refusing to sell the parts won’t bring it back to life. All that blocking us from selling the parts does is deny us critical financial resources that could be used to continue and expand our services to women.”

Police Dept Nixes Fitness Tests

Yielding to a protest by 12 obese female officers, the Colorado Springs Police Department has agreed to discontinue the required annual fitness tests it had been mandating for all personnel.

Chief of Police Peter Carey defended the move as “prudent. Granted, an over-weight, out-of-shape officer might have a hard time chasing down and subduing a suspect, but realistically, that activity consumes a relatively minor share of each officer’s duties. A law enforcement officer typically spends far more time filling out paperwork,than he or she does apprehending criminals.”

If we tried to fight this thing we’d be tied up in court for who knows how long,” Carey added. “Besides, we don’t have the budget for it. The number of perps who might be caught even by the most fit officers is vanishingly small. If a few more escape because our force is too fat or weak to run them down, well, that’s a price the community will have to pay.”

Whether residents of Colorado Springs will be as blasé about the change remains to be seen. Resident Mary Jo Piccin, characterized elimination of the fitness test as “a mistake. The police need to be able to chase down criminals. Isn’t that what we pay them to do? Maybe if they just ate fewer doughnuts they could run a little bit.”

Trump Deportation Plan Blasted as “Voter Suppression” Ploy

Democratic presidential front runner Hillary Clinton blasted GOP front runner Donald Trump’s plan to deport those in the country illegally as “another absurd Republican attempt to suppress Democratic votes. If these immigrants weren’t the kind going on welfare, if they were self-supporting owners of businesses or skilled workers—in other words, likely Republican voters—he’d be singing a different tune.”

Deporting people is inhumane and un-American,” Clinton contended. “We have no practical experience with such a large and complicated operation. We do have a wealth of experience, however, with providing, food and shelter for the tens of millions who cannot provide for themselves. So, let’s do the job we know how to do. Let’s do the charitable thing and help those less well off than ourselves. If it means the taxpayers have to each work a little harder or do with a little less, well, we can afford it.”

Republican presidential candidate and Texas Senator Ted Cruz called Clinton’s position “unsustainable. There is no way America can support everyone who wants to come here to subsist on our welfare programs. The argument that opposition to the American worker becoming host to a growing influx of parasites is inhumane is bogus. The importation of more welfare recipients will ensure the collapse of our economy and the impoverishment of the vast majority of those living in the United States.”

In related news, demonstrators in Louisiana predicted starvation if Governor Bobby Jindal’s proposal to require food-assistance recipients to work a 20-hour week in exchange for receiving benefits. Louisiana Budget Project Director Jan Moller decried Jindal’s move saying “some people are just not designed for work. They’re physically, mentally, or emotionally unsuited for it. The Constitution is supposed to protect everyone’s general welfare. It doesn’t say they have to earn it by working.”

MSNBC Talking Head Questions GOP Presidential Candidates’ Ethnicity

MSNBC’s Hard Ball host Chris Matthews questioned whether GOP presidential contenders Sen. Ted Cruz (Tx) and Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) are entitled to consider themselves Hispanic.

From what I can tell, neither of them fits the mold of a true Hispanic,” Matthews argued. “Their skin isn’t all that dark. They’re both opponents of social justice. They both insist that people ought to strive to be self-sufficient. Isn’t that some sort of Calvinist concept? They both seem to be pretty white to me.”

And then there’s Ben Carson,” Matthews went on. “Can we really be sure he’s black? When I hear him speak he doesn’t sound black. His story about being violent when he was young is, I think, an attempt to make him appear black to the unsophisticated voters. But the policies he advocates seem every bit as white as those of the rest of the GOP field.”

It isn’t right that these men can claim whatever ethnic identity they like,” Matthews maintained. “If they’re going to deviate from the mainstream thinking of leading opinion makers from the black and Hispanic communities they shouldn’t be allowed to pose as members of those ethnic groups.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley made a bid for the illegal immigrant vote by announcing he will be dining with with the Ramirez family in Austin, Texas. “Others may talk a good game, but none of them has shown the initiative to meet these immigrants face-to-face on their home turf,” O’Malley bragged. “I’m looking forward to chowing down on some homemade tacoritos, enchilupas, and Hispanic rice. Let it be shown that I am leading where my opponents fear to go.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cong. Franks Praises the Veterans who Kept us Free

Congressman Trent Franks (AZ-08) released the following statement thanking American Veterans on Veterans Day:

“Americans bask in the sunlight of freedom today because of the courage and sacrifice of our noble soldiers and their families. We owe an unspeakable debt of gratitude to the veterans who have fought to preserve the precious light of liberty in the past, and to those soldiers who are even now waging battle.

“To our veterans and to our troops still fighting to preserve this flagship of freedom, I offer my humblest gratitude for your selflessness, your sacrifice, and your noble service. You will be forever remembered among this generation as champions of human freedom.”


Hillary Boasts ‘I Am Unstoppable’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton proclaimed her election next year as “inevitable. Nominally, Bernie Sanders is still in the race, but since he virtually endorsed me at the debate I think he’s seen the writing on the wall and will soon follow Webb and Chafee to the exit.”

She was even more dismissive of the Republican candidates calling them “an assortment of nuts oblivious to what it takes to govern. If we are to believe the polls, GOP voters are rejecting the one candidate who has a successful record of governing the State of Florida. Even at that, none of them have had to make the hard choice to put people in harms’ way for the good of the country. They are all neophytes with clean hands.”

So confident is the former Secretary of State that she averred that not even her husband could beat her in an election. “He would run again if he could,” Hillary said. “But he wouldn’t stand a chance in a race against me. He is a skirt-chaser in an era when the American voter is yearning for a skirt-wearer. I am that unstoppable skirt-wearer.”

Candidate Seeks to Regain Senate Seat with Promise of Higher Taxes

Convinced that Americans are grossly under taxed, former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is on a crusade to regain the seat he lost to current Republican Senator Ron Johnson in 2010.

The evidence is overwhelming,” Feingold asserted. “Americans are suffering from a surfeit of income that they are squandering on purchases that are detrimental to their well-being. They are over-eating and over-drinking. They are living in single-family homes when they should be living in high-density apartments. They are driving cars when they should be riding public transit. The list of obnoxious and self-indulgent expenditures is lengthy and nauseating.”

Feingold touted his credentials as a tax-hiker during his 18-year tenure in the US Senate from 1993 to 2011 as proof he is the man to help Americans break their spending habits. “In the years I represented Wisconsin in the Senate I voted for higher taxes on nearly 300 separate occasions,” the ex-senator bragged. “Since Johnson took over he has been largely an enabler of private selfishness—resisting numerous efforts by the President and the Democratic Party to relieve taxpayers from the temptations of excessive wealth.”

According to Feingold, the need to oust Johnson in 2016 is made more urgent by his support for a Constitutional amendment that would require a two-thirds majority before tax increases could be enacted. “This is the exact opposite of what we should be doing,” Feingold insisted. “We need to get beyond the simplistic notion that the money a person earns is his to do with as he pleases. All income, all wealth ought to be the common property of all. Government, as the representative of all ought to control how money is spent. If I am elected this is what I’ll strive to do.”

PLO Assails Cruz Hearing on Terrorism

The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) took issue with how Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) handled a hearing on Middle East terrorism. The hearing entitled, “Justice Forsaken: How the Federal Government Fails the American Victims of Iranian and Palestinian Terrorism,” featured witnesses describing attacks by Palestinian suicide bombers against innocent victims.

PLO spokesman Haikil Juze complained that “these hearings are one-sided and biased. Contrary to the propaganda spouted by Cruz and his witnesses, Jews are not innocent. The Quran makes that clear. It is every Muslim’s sacred duty to strike down these minions of Satan wherever, whenever, and however they can.”

Juze condemned “Cruz’s failure to mention the provocations committed by the Israelis. First of all, the mere presence of Jews in lands conquered for Allah more than a thousand years ago is an intolerable affront. Second, Jewish whores parade around the streets with their faces and limbs uncovered inducing irresistible lust among innocent Muslim men. Third, the Quran expressly prohibits non-Muslims from owning weapons. Yet, Jews walk the streets with firearms in their hands, over their shoulders, or on their hips. Rage and revenge is our only honorable option. Cruz’s aim to deny us this option violates our religious freedom.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called Cruz’s efforts “unhelpful. The President, who is a great admirer of Lincoln, urged me to convey the message that if he could achieve peace in the region without harming any Jews he would do it, and if he could achieve peace by harming all the Jews he would do it; and if he could achieve peace by harming some and leaving others alone he would also do that.”

Congresswoman Urges Limits to Freedom of Speech

Incensed that Donald Trump might be permitted to host Saturday Night Live, Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-Calif) says “the government needs to step in and prohibit the kind of racist and anti-social remarks that Trump and his ilk are inflicting on this country.”

Freedom of speech is not a privilege that we should allow people to abuse,” Sanchez opined. “Too many have died fighting for freedom of speech for us to sit by while those unworthy of the privilege pollute the airwaves with anti-government rhetoric. Disagreement that goes beyond acceptable bounds must be curtailed. Persons who cannot politely engage in convivial interactions should be restrained for the common good. It is long past time that the government establish and enforce guidelines for what is permissible and what is not.”

The danger of unrestrained free speech was recently brought home by the savage beating of an Hispanic man in Boston by a white thug who admitted that Donald Trump said it was okay,” Sanchez argued. “How many more Hispanics, Blacks, and Muslims will have to suffer before we silence inciters like Trump?”

DOJ Abolishes Term: “Juvenile Delinquent”

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has decreed that the Department of Justice will no longer use the term “juvenile delinquent” to describe youthful lawbreakers. The new term to be used is “justice involved youth.”

Juvenile delinquent has too negative a connotation,” Lynch said. “Both words are demeaning. The word ‘juvenile’ is frequently used to convey an impression of immaturity. To call someone juvenile is, by itself, insulting. Similarly, the word ‘delinquent’ is judgmental. It communicates a message of wrongful behavior.”

The new terminology is more positive sounding,” she continued. “A justice involved youth does not stigmatize an individual. It just says that a young person is linked in some way with the justice system just like judges and attorneys are linked to the justice system. The phrase itself could be taken to mean that the youth may be an intern or aide rather than a criminal.”

Just because a young person may have broken some laws doesn’t prove he is bad,” Lynch contended. “He could have good reasons for his behavior. Maybe he comes from a broken home. Maybe he is poor. Maybe his need for what he stole is greater than that of the person he stole from. Maybe being a member of a gang is normal in his neighborhood. Maybe killing members of rival gangs or witnesses is self-defense. Maybe we need to be more understanding and not as quick to condemn behavior we don’t fully understand.”

Brown Defends Asking State Experts to Report on His Land

California Governor Jerry Brown insisted that “there’s nothing wrong with what I did.” What he did was ask employees of the California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources—a state agency—to tell him whether there is oil on his private property.

I didn’t ask for any special treatment,” Brown asserted. “I did what any citizen of the state might have done.”

Well, I suppose that any citizen could’ve asked for the same thing,” an employee said in an “off-the-record” interview. “But we wouldn’t have prepared that citizen a 51 page report. When the Governor ‘asks’ you hop to if you want to keep your job.”

Brown contrasted “the trifling amount of money involved” with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s performance of favors for foreign governments that made donations to the Clinton Foundation. “Bill and Hillary raked in tens of millions of dollars using the leverage she had as this county’s head diplomat. At most, the report I got cost tens of thousands. I think those of us engaged in public service—presidents, secretaries, governors, senators, etc are entitled to a few perqs considering all the sacrifices we make for those we serve.”

Billionaire Says Socialism Needed to Stem Climate Disaster

Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates averred that freedom and democracy will need to be sacrificed if we are to avert climate disaster. “Left to their own devices, common people don’t see the need for action to prevent global warming,” Gates lamented. “They are too prone to place having a job, food on the table, and a comfortable home ahead of working against global warming.”

Gates advised “a top down imposition of socialism to overcome individual resistance to the measures deemed essential for taming runaway climate change. Only socialism can stifle prosperity sufficiently to achieve the reductions in human activities that contribute to warming. The elimination of conveniences like electricity, running water, and personal transportation for all but the world’s most important persons is the price our species must be willing to pay to save the planet. History has shown that socialist regimes are the most effective at attaining the type of economy required to shrink the human footprint.”

In support of his argument, Gates pointed to socialist Venezuela as a preview of what is possible. “It is in Venezuela that a pack of french fries at McDonald’s now costs $130,” Gates observed. “This will dramatically cut back consumption. No free market capitalistic system could achieve as much in so short a period of time. It is only by bringing an end to widely available and inexpensive consumer goods and services that we can save the Earth. For this socialism is essential.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Herrod: Foundational Principles Won the Day in National Elections

By Cathi Herrod, President
Center for Arizona Policy

On Tuesday the people spoke. In election after election, the American people voted in favor of foundational principles – the values we hold dear. While our ultimate hope only is in the Lord, may your hope in the electoral process and the values of the American people be restored.

Check out these election results from Tuesday:

HOUSTON: Remember the Houston 5? The five pastors who had their sermons subpoenaed when they voiced opposition to Houston’s so-called “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO)?” The voters in Houston stood with those pastors in voting down the ordinance 61% to 39%. The ordinance would have amended city law to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.

Throughout the country, it’s these ordinances that are being used to deny religious freedom to people like Washington state florist Barronelle Stutzman, or Colorado cake baker Jack Phillips. It’s also these ordinances that allow men who want to identify as women to use female locker room and bathroom facilities.

The Houston voters sent a clear message that the people support religious freedom and don’t want men in women’s restrooms.

Today, in our state, the cities of Glendale, Scottsdale, and Mesa are considering similar ordinances. Proponents of these laws are also pushing for a similar statewide measure. Let’s hope the Houston vote sends a clear message to Arizona leaders that when the people speak, this is the result.

OHIO: The Ohio people spoke loud and clear in defeating 64-36% a $20 million dollar effort to legalize recreational marijuana across the state. Next year, Arizonans most likely will vote on a similar measure to legalize retail marijuana here. Citizens are watching Colorado and seeing the devastating effects of what happens when retail marijuana is legal.

KENTUCKY: The people spoke in Kentucky by electing Matt Bevin Governor. Bevin united fiscal and social conservatives with his stands against Obamacare and in favor of life and religious freedom. Bevin’s opponent was endorsed by Planned Parenthood.

GLENDALE: Voters spoke in on our state in Glendale by recalling current Councilman Gary Sherwood, electing in his place Ray Malnar. Sherwood had flip-flopped his position on the Glendale Casino (from opposing the casino to supporting it). He has also been the leader of the Glendale effort to add a sexual orientation and gender identity non-discrimination ordinance – the same ordinance defeated by Houston voters.

Take time to read Ryan Anderson’s take on what the election results say about social conservatives. Or for an interesting perspective from a left-leaning publication, read the Atlantic: Are Liberals Losing the Culture War?

Be encouraged. Reclaim hope. Be grateful for pastors that led. Be grateful for voters who clearly stood in defense of foundational principles and values.

May the 2015 election results forecast the people speaking loud and clear in the 2016 election cycle!

 ICYMI – Latest News and Articles of Interest

  • Planned Parenthood funding in Arizona. Governor Doug Ducey removed Planned Parenthood from the charitable campaign through which state employees can donate to charities. This continues the longstanding public policy in Arizona that supports life, not abortion.
  • Speak with Your Tax Dollars: Once again our friends at Arizona Christian School Tuition Organization, Christian Family Care, and Crisis Pregnancy Centers have prepared this short video to inform and equip citizens about how to participate in the Arizona state tax credits that benefit children in need and various other charitable needs. We encourage you to share this video! The complete list of qualifying charities and school tuition organizations is available here.
  • Intern with CAP. If you’re a college student looking for front line public policy experience, apply for a CAP internship. The upcoming spring semester will focus on the 2016 legislative session and 2016 election season plans – one of the more interesting and valuable times to serve with our team.