By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The protests at the University of Missouri that resulted in the ouster of President Tim Wolfe and Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin have reinvigorated student movements against freedom of speech across the nation.

Brenda Smith-Lezama, vice president of the Missouri Students Association, took pride in the rising groundswell of support for censorship saying “it’s about time the youth of this nation take a stand against the verbal pollution that hides behind the First Amendment. Social justice shouldn’t be thwarted by slavish devotion to the out-dated idea that everyone has the right to speak his mind regardless of the consequences.”

Smith-Lezama hailed the intimidation of student journalist Tim Tai as “an example of the will of the people triumphing over the sterile notion that the press should be free to oppose progressive values. The people have a right to decide what will be written about. So-called journalists can have no right to independently determine what will or won’t be covered if it contradicts the aims of social justice.”

At Amherst College student activists have given the administration 48 hours to comply with its list of nonnegotiable demands. Alleging that “freedom of speech is part of this nation’s historic legacy of oppression,” the activists demanded that students demonstrating for “free speech” and insulting progressives with banners proclaiming “all lives matter,” be “warned that statements offensive to social justice will not be tolerated” and that “disciplinary action against future offenders be made a school policy.”

At the University of Massachusetts, student protesters vowed “there will be no peace until all university tuition and fees are waived and outstanding student debt is canceled.” Chrissy Dasco, of the Center for Educational Policy and Advocacy, argued that “forcing students to pay for their own college education violates the Constitution’s guarantees of liberty and pursuit of happiness. A person can’t truly be free or happy if he or she is burdened with having to pay for an education. It is the government’s obligation to provide a college education to anyone who deserves it. Even the citizens of North Korea have that right.”

At Claremont McKenna College in California, Dean of Students Mary Spellman resigned in the face of a threatened hunger-strike by students alleging “lack of support for students of color.” The hunger-strikers contend that “the administration’s refusal to assign white students to do the work of minority students reneges on the responsibility of the white race to atone for the hundreds of years of slavery imposed on blacks in America. The only way for the scales of social justice to be balanced is for whites to be forced to labor on behalf of blacks, just as blacks were forced to labor on behalf of whites before the Civil War.”

President Obama praised the rising tide of student activism calling it “a vindication of my faith in the political wisdom and energy of this country’s younger generation. They are breaking free of the traditional constraints of our society and creating new realities with new rules for a new future.”

Swedish Court Rules Medical Personnel Have No Right to Opt out of Abortions

While acknowledging that the law requiring medical practitioners to conduct abortions may violate the moral objections of some individuals, a Swedish court ruled that “a citizen’s legal obligation to obey the law takes precedence over a private right of conscience.”

The case arose when nurse Ellinor Grimmark sought to be excused from assisting in abortion procedures. “I did not seek to impose my will upon the patients seeking these procedures,” Grimmark said. “I only sought to avoid complicity in this crime against the human rights of the little children.”

Judge Lief Niflheim was not entirely unsympathetic to Grimmark’s position, but averred that “membership in civil society carries the obligation to submit to its laws, heinous as they may appear from one’s personal perspective. An appeal to a so-called higher morality has no legal weight if the country’s law makers have decided otherwise. Order would devolve into chaos if every individual’s pangs of conscience had to be taken into consideration. Until such a time as the envisioned ‘higher morality’ has a mechanism to compel compliance each member of society is expected to obey the laws decreed by their government.”

Grimmark now cannot work as a nurse in Swden and has had to leave the country and find employment in Norway.

In America, Planned Parenthood president and CEO Cecile Richards defended the practice of harvesting baby parts from aborted children as “fiscally sound. Look, mothers have the legal right to terminate unwanted pregnancies. Once the termination has been effected the baby is already dead. Refusing to sell the parts won’t bring it back to life. All that blocking us from selling the parts does is deny us critical financial resources that could be used to continue and expand our services to women.”

Police Dept Nixes Fitness Tests

Yielding to a protest by 12 obese female officers, the Colorado Springs Police Department has agreed to discontinue the required annual fitness tests it had been mandating for all personnel.

Chief of Police Peter Carey defended the move as “prudent. Granted, an over-weight, out-of-shape officer might have a hard time chasing down and subduing a suspect, but realistically, that activity consumes a relatively minor share of each officer’s duties. A law enforcement officer typically spends far more time filling out paperwork,than he or she does apprehending criminals.”

“If we tried to fight this thing we’d be tied up in court for who knows how long,” Carey added. “Besides, we don’t have the budget for it. The number of perps who might be caught even by the most fit officers is vanishingly small. If a few more escape because our force is too fat or weak to run them down, well, that’s a price the community will have to pay.”

Whether residents of Colorado Springs will be as blasé about the change remains to be seen. Resident Mary Jo Piccin, characterized elimination of the fitness test as “a mistake. The police need to be able to chase down criminals. Isn’t that what we pay them to do? Maybe if they just ate fewer doughnuts they could run a little bit.”

Trump Deportation Plan Blasted as “Voter Suppression” Ploy

Democratic presidential front runner Hillary Clinton blasted GOP front runner Donald Trump’s plan to deport those in the country illegally as “another absurd Republican attempt to suppress Democratic votes. If these immigrants weren’t the kind going on welfare, if they were self-supporting owners of businesses or skilled workers—in other words, likely Republican voters—he’d be singing a different tune.”

“Deporting people is inhumane and un-American,” Clinton contended. “We have no practical experience with such a large and complicated operation. We do have a wealth of experience, however, with providing, food and shelter for the tens of millions who cannot provide for themselves. So, let’s do the job we know how to do. Let’s do the charitable thing and help those less well off than ourselves. If it means the taxpayers have to each work a little harder or do with a little less, well, we can afford it.”

Republican presidential candidate and Texas Senator Ted Cruz called Clinton’s position “unsustainable. There is no way America can support everyone who wants to come here to subsist on our welfare programs. The argument that opposition to the American worker becoming host to a growing influx of parasites is inhumane is bogus. The importation of more welfare recipients will ensure the collapse of our economy and the impoverishment of the vast majority of those living in the United States.”

In related news, demonstrators in Louisiana predicted starvation if Governor Bobby Jindal’s proposal to require food-assistance recipients to work a 20-hour week in exchange for receiving benefits. Louisiana Budget Project Director Jan Moller decried Jindal’s move saying “some people are just not designed for work. They’re physically, mentally, or emotionally unsuited for it. The Constitution is supposed to protect everyone’s general welfare. It doesn’t say they have to earn it by working.”

MSNBC Talking Head Questions GOP Presidential Candidates’ Ethnicity

MSNBC’s Hard Ball host Chris Matthews questioned whether GOP presidential contenders Sen. Ted Cruz (Tx) and Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) are entitled to consider themselves Hispanic.

“From what I can tell, neither of them fits the mold of a true Hispanic,” Matthews argued. “Their skin isn’t all that dark. They’re both opponents of social justice. They both insist that people ought to strive to be self-sufficient. Isn’t that some sort of Calvinist concept? They both seem to be pretty white to me.”

“And then there’s Ben Carson,” Matthews went on. “Can we really be sure he’s black? When I hear him speak he doesn’t sound black. His story about being violent when he was young is, I think, an attempt to make him appear black to the unsophisticated voters. But the policies he advocates seem every bit as white as those of the rest of the GOP field.”

“It isn’t right that these men can claim whatever ethnic identity they like,” Matthews maintained. “If they’re going to deviate from the mainstream thinking of leading opinion makers from the black and Hispanic communities they shouldn’t be allowed to pose as members of those ethnic groups.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley made a bid for the illegal immigrant vote by announcing he will be dining with with the Ramirez family in Austin, Texas. “Others may talk a good game, but none of them has shown the initiative to meet these immigrants face-to-face on their home turf,” O’Malley bragged. “I’m looking forward to chowing down on some homemade tacoritos, enchilupas, and Hispanic rice. Let it be shown that I am leading where my opponents fear to go.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton proclaimed her election next year as “inevitable. Nominally, Bernie Sanders is still in the race, but since he virtually endorsed me at the debate I think he’s seen the writing on the wall and will soon follow Webb and Chafee to the exit.”

She was even more dismissive of the Republican candidates calling them “an assortment of nuts oblivious to what it takes to govern. If we are to believe the polls, GOP voters are rejecting the one candidate who has a successful record of governing the State of Florida. Even at that, none of them have had to make the hard choice to put people in harms’ way for the good of the country. They are all neophytes with clean hands.”

So confident is the former Secretary of State that she averred that not even her husband could beat her in an election. “He would run again if he could,” Hillary said. “But he wouldn’t stand a chance in a race against me. He is a skirt-chaser in an era when the American voter is yearning for a skirt-wearer. I am that unstoppable skirt-wearer.”

Candidate Seeks to Regain Senate Seat with Promise of Higher Taxes

Convinced that Americans are grossly under taxed, former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is on a crusade to regain the seat he lost to current Republican Senator Ron Johnson in 2010.

“The evidence is overwhelming,” Feingold asserted. “Americans are suffering from a surfeit of income that they are squandering on purchases that are detrimental to their well-being. They are over-eating and over-drinking. They are living in single-family homes when they should be living in high-density apartments. They are driving cars when they should be riding public transit. The list of obnoxious and self-indulgent expenditures is lengthy and nauseating.”

Feingold touted his credentials as a tax-hiker during his 18-year tenure in the US Senate from 1993 to 2011 as proof he is the man to help Americans break their spending habits. “In the years I represented Wisconsin in the Senate I voted for higher taxes on nearly 300 separate occasions,” the ex-senator bragged. “Since Johnson took over he has been largely an enabler of private selfishness—resisting numerous efforts by the President and the Democratic Party to relieve taxpayers from the temptations of excessive wealth.”

According to Feingold, the need to oust Johnson in 2016 is made more urgent by his support for a Constitutional amendment that would require a two-thirds majority before tax increases could be enacted. “This is the exact opposite of what we should be doing,” Feingold insisted. “We need to get beyond the simplistic notion that the money a person earns is his to do with as he pleases. All income, all wealth ought to be the common property of all. Government, as the representative of all ought to control how money is spent. If I am elected this is what I’ll strive to do.”

PLO Assails Cruz Hearing on Terrorism

The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) took issue with how Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) handled a hearing on Middle East terrorism. The hearing entitled, “Justice Forsaken: How the Federal Government Fails the American Victims of Iranian and Palestinian Terrorism,” featured witnesses describing attacks by Palestinian suicide bombers against innocent victims.

PLO spokesman Haikil Juze complained that “these hearings are one-sided and biased. Contrary to the propaganda spouted by Cruz and his witnesses, Jews are not innocent. The Quran makes that clear. It is every Muslim’s sacred duty to strike down these minions of Satan wherever, whenever, and however they can.”

Juze condemned “Cruz’s failure to mention the provocations committed by the Israelis. First of all, the mere presence of Jews in lands conquered for Allah more than a thousand years ago is an intolerable affront. Second, Jewish whores parade around the streets with their faces and limbs uncovered inducing irresistible lust among innocent Muslim men. Third, the Quran expressly prohibits non-Muslims from owning weapons. Yet, Jews walk the streets with firearms in their hands, over their shoulders, or on their hips. Rage and revenge is our only honorable option. Cruz’s aim to deny us this option violates our religious freedom.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called Cruz’s efforts “unhelpful. The President, who is a great admirer of Lincoln, urged me to convey the message that if he could achieve peace in the region without harming any Jews he would do it, and if he could achieve peace by harming all the Jews he would do it; and if he could achieve peace by harming some and leaving others alone he would also do that.”

Congresswoman Urges Limits to Freedom of Speech

Incensed that Donald Trump might be permitted to host Saturday Night Live, Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-Calif) says “the government needs to step in and prohibit the kind of racist and anti-social remarks that Trump and his ilk are inflicting on this country.”

“Freedom of speech is not a privilege that we should allow people to abuse,” Sanchez opined. “Too many have died fighting for freedom of speech for us to sit by while those unworthy of the privilege pollute the airwaves with anti-government rhetoric. Disagreement that goes beyond acceptable bounds must be curtailed. Persons who cannot politely engage in convivial interactions should be restrained for the common good. It is long past time that the government establish and enforce guidelines for what is permissible and what is not.”

“The danger of unrestrained free speech was recently brought home by the savage beating of an Hispanic man in Boston by a white thug who admitted that Donald Trump said it was okay,” Sanchez argued. “How many more Hispanics, Blacks, and Muslims will have to suffer before we silence inciters like Trump?”

DOJ Abolishes Term: “Juvenile Delinquent”

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has decreed that the Department of Justice will no longer use the term “juvenile delinquent” to describe youthful lawbreakers. The new term to be used is “justice involved youth.”

“Juvenile delinquent has too negative a connotation,” Lynch said. “Both words are demeaning. The word ‘juvenile’ is frequently used to convey an impression of immaturity. To call someone juvenile is, by itself, insulting. Similarly, the word ‘delinquent’ is judgmental. It communicates a message of wrongful behavior.”

“The new terminology is more positive sounding,” she continued. “A justice involved youth does not stigmatize an individual. It just says that a young person is linked in some way with the justice system just like judges and attorneys are linked to the justice system. The phrase itself could be taken to mean that the youth may be an intern or aide rather than a criminal.”

“Just because a young person may have broken some laws doesn’t prove he is bad,” Lynch contended. “He could have good reasons for his behavior. Maybe he comes from a broken home. Maybe he is poor. Maybe his need for what he stole is greater than that of the person he stole from. Maybe being a member of a gang is normal in his neighborhood. Maybe killing members of rival gangs or witnesses is self-defense. Maybe we need to be more understanding and not as quick to condemn behavior we don’t fully understand.”

Brown Defends Asking State Experts to Report on His Land

California Governor Jerry Brown insisted that “there’s nothing wrong with what I did.” What he did was ask employees of the California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources—a state agency—to tell him whether there is oil on his private property.

“I didn’t ask for any special treatment,” Brown asserted. “I did what any citizen of the state might have done.”

“Well, I suppose that any citizen could’ve asked for the same thing,” an employee said in an “off-the-record” interview. “But we wouldn’t have prepared that citizen a 51 page report. When the Governor ‘asks’ you hop to if you want to keep your job.”

Brown contrasted “the trifling amount of money involved” with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s performance of favors for foreign governments that made donations to the Clinton Foundation. “Bill and Hillary raked in tens of millions of dollars using the leverage she had as this county’s head diplomat. At most, the report I got cost tens of thousands. I think those of us engaged in public service—presidents, secretaries, governors, senators, etc are entitled to a few perqs considering all the sacrifices we make for those we serve.”

Billionaire Says Socialism Needed to Stem Climate Disaster

Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates averred that freedom and democracy will need to be sacrificed if we are to avert climate disaster. “Left to their own devices, common people don’t see the need for action to prevent global warming,” Gates lamented. “They are too prone to place having a job, food on the table, and a comfortable home ahead of working against global warming.”

Gates advised “a top down imposition of socialism to overcome individual resistance to the measures deemed essential for taming runaway climate change. Only socialism can stifle prosperity sufficiently to achieve the reductions in human activities that contribute to warming. The elimination of conveniences like electricity, running water, and personal transportation for all but the world’s most important persons is the price our species must be willing to pay to save the planet. History has shown that socialist regimes are the most effective at attaining the type of economy required to shrink the human footprint.”

In support of his argument, Gates pointed to socialist Venezuela as a preview of what is possible. “It is in Venezuela that a pack of french fries at McDonald’s now costs $130,” Gates observed. “This will dramatically cut back consumption. No free market capitalistic system could achieve as much in so short a period of time. It is only by bringing an end to widely available and inexpensive consumer goods and services that we can save the Earth. For this socialism is essential.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.