By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Due to a temporary lapse of a “firewall” in the Democratic National Committee’s (DNC) database, the Sanders campaign was able to access confidential information on the Clinton campaign. Discovery of the breach has led the DNC to block further access by the Sanders campaign.

While blocking Sanders’ people from accessing data on registered Democratic voters is regarded as a serious setback to the Senator’s chance of winning the Party’s presidential nomination, the Clinton campaign is not satisfied the penalty is severe enough.

“Sanders’ covert spying into the strategy of Secretary Clinton’s campaign is the most serious threat ever to this country’s future,” complained campaign manager Robbie Mook. “Such flagrant dishonesty is not adequately punished by the ban on access announced by the DNC. The DNC should take a lesson from what Major League Baseball did to Pete Rose for an infraction of far lesser consequence. Senator Sanders deserves to be permanently banned from the Democratic Party’s nomination process. For God’s sake, he isn’t even a registered Democrat. He’s a Socialist. He never should’ve been allowed to run in our Party’s primary.”

Sanders’ campaign spokesman Michael Briggs characterized the Clinton campaign’s reaction as “self-serving hypocrisy. Has there ever been a candidate more dishonest than Hillary Clinton? Her lies are legendary. She has used her position in government to extract money from some of the most sordid and evil individuals and regimes on the planet. Her policy blunders as Secretary of State have gotten thousands of people killed. Please, give me a break.”

Briggs also assailed the DNC’s penalty as “excessively harsh. Look, a low-level employee took an unauthorized peek at a few files. That person has been fired. For the DNC to cut us off from voter registration data is the equivalent of handicapping a marathon runner with a blindfold. It, like the weekend debate schedule, is part of the DNC’s pattern of blatant favoritism toward Mrs. Clinton. It stinks.”

Obama Admin Defends Gitmo Releases

Reports that nearly all of the terrorists the Obama Administration has released have rejoined the jihad against the West left the Administration unfazed. In fact, that only 191 of 196 of the individuals released have joined the ranks of ISIS, al-Qaeda, Hezbollah and the like was touted as “relatively successful.”

“I’ve always believed that it is better to let 100 guilty men go free than to imprison one innocent man,” said Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. “If we’re keeping score here, we see that we only let 191 guilty men go free in order to free five innocent men. So, it looks like we are still far ahead of the game even if the next 300 we release immediately enlist to fight with the Islamic State in Syria.”

In line with this thinking, Carter announced a plan to release another 17 Gitmo detainees within the next 30 days, citing “their good behavior” as a rationale. “None of these men have committed acts of terror since they’ve been here,” Carter pointed out. “They’ve all put in more time as peaceable prisoners than they previously did as wanton killers. They’ve earned a second chance.”

Senator Tom Cotton (R-Ark) vehemently disagreed with the Administration’s action calling it “dangerously naive. First of all, Blackstone’s original quote was that it was better to let ten guilty go free than to convict one innocent person. So, Carter’s got his numbers wrong. Second, none of those in Gitmo can seriously be considered ‘innocent.’ All were captured while engaged in waging war against the United States. Third, the only reason why any of them have been ‘peaceable’ is that as prisoners they haven’t had an opportunity to shoot or bomb anyone. There is no evidence they have renounced hostility toward America or ‘unbelievers.’”

In related news, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla), chair of the Democratic National Committee suggested that the latest batch of Gitmo prisoners to be released be invited to attend President Obama’s State-of-the-Union speech in January. “By giving these long-suffering individuals a seat of honor at one of our nation’s most important political events we can help heal the wounds our persecution of them has opened,” she argued.

Bergdahl to Face Court-Martial

This week, the US Army announced that Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl will stand trial on charges of desertion and “misbehaving before the enemy.” Bergdahl was returned to the US in exchange for the release of five terrorists in 2014. Bergdahl spent five years with the Taliban after leaving his military post in Afghanistan in 2009.

At the time of the exchange, President Obama welcomed Bergdahl home saying that he had “served with honor and distinction.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied that the Army’s decision to court-martial him invalidated the President’s earlier praise of the man, saying that “in our country a person is innocent until proven guilty. A trial is merely a way of sorting out a complicated situation.”

“Even if Bergdahl is found guilty that doesn’t prove his actions weren’t honorable,” Earnest continued. “He could have had honorable motives for deserting his post and going over to the Taliban. Robert E. Lee deserted his post and led the Confederate Army against US troops in the Civil War. Yet, many people contend he was an honorable man and that his service in that war was distinguished.”

Earnest also declared the “misbehaving” charge “overblown. The Army is largely comprised of young men. Young men are known to be boisterous. Hi jinks and misbehavior among such a group is not surprising. To single one out for persecution seems excessive to me.”

ACLU, NAACP Decry Court Decision on Abortion

The 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals decision upholding an Arizona law banning abortions performed because of the sex or race of the baby was assailed by spokesmen for the law’s opponents as “a backward step toward slavery and oppression.”

NCAAP spokesperson Shakeel Infante maintained that “forcing an African-American woman to bear a baby she doesn’t want negates the promise of freedom we are striving to implement in this country. Motherhood has burdens. Forcing those burdens on an unwilling woman is slavery, pure and simple.”

ACLU spokesperson Alexa Kolbi-Molinas agreed and added that “not only does this ruling enslave Black women, it oppresses all women. A key reason for aborting a fetus based on its sex is the knowledge that females face a lifetime of discrimination in our society. A woman’s efforts to spare her child from that fate should not be callously discarded out of a perverted dedication to unrealistic ideals.”

The successful litigant—Alliance Defending Freedom—hailed the ruling. ADF legal counsel Steve Aden said he was “glad to see that even a notoriously liberal 9^th circuit court recognized that killing a child because of its sex or race is an indefensible grounds for an abortion. It’s a small, but perhaps significant step toward a more humane treatment of the most vulnerable humans.”

The NAACP and ACLU have vowed to appeal the verdict to the US Supreme Court. “I can’t believe that this will stand,” Kolbi-Molinas said. “Roe v. Wade established the right of every woman to obtain an abortion at any time for any reason. That is the law of the land. The 9^th Circuit was out-of-bounds in deviating from that standard.”

In related news, a federal judge in Ohio blocked the state from taking action against an abortion clinic for illegally dumping fetuses in a local landfill on the grounds that “this enforcement action is politically motivated. Other businesses are not blocked from disposing of non-hazardous waste in landfills. For Planned Parenthood to be singled out is discriminatory and illegal.”

UN Officials Aghast at Unwarranted Reaction to Muslim Violence

The UN’s Adama Dieng, special adviser on the prevention of genocide, and Jennifer Welsh, special adviser on the responsibility to protect civilians warned against the unwarranted reactions of non-Muslims to recent terror attacks in Paris and San Bernardino, California.

“Every religion has its own idiosyncratic beliefs and behaviors,” Dieng pointed out. “What may seem bizarre, incomprehensible and inexcusable to one faith may be the epitome of devout observance to another. For Muslims it is important to show ones faith by taking up arms against unbelievers. For Christians, Jews, Buddhists, or whatever, to object evinces a shameful intolerance.”

Welsh concurred and added “demanding that Muslims refrain from waging holy war on unbelievers would be like demanding that Catholics give up their wine and wafer rites or that Jews give up their matzohs. Such infringements would unjustifiably meddle in each religion’s sacred values. If we truly wish to be tolerant we must accept each religion as its practitioners see fit to exercise it. I’m not saying that non-Muslims must sit by idly while Muslims try to kill them. They can, if they choose, fight back. But they should not disrespect Muslims for merely adhering to the requirements of their faith.”

In related news, the Islamic State (IS) issued a fatwa declaring that children born with disabilities must be put to death. According to IS’s interpretation of Sharia law, “birth deformities reflect Allah’s disapproval of the child. Killing the child is the proper response to Allah’s divine message.” IS also announced it will conquer Rome, murder the Pope, and enslave Christian women.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

December 2’s murder of 14 and wounding of 21 at an office holiday party by Syed Rizwan Farook and his wife Tashfeen Malik in San Bernardino, California was immediately recognized as terrorism by the FBI. Nonetheless, orders from the White House forbade the investigators from publicly acknowledging this.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended this suppression of critical information “as part of the President’s broader strategic goals. Tragic as the event may have been for those involved, their interests cannot be allowed to supersede these goals.”

Among the broader strategic goals Earnest mentioned “was the necessity of insulating the Administration from any negative outcomes. Confidence in the President’s leadership could be undermined if Americans became too frightened about the possibility of terrorist attacks occurring in their neighborhoods and communities. There are over 300 million Americans. The number who might be harmed by additional terrorist strikes is a tiny fraction of the human assets we have at our disposal. In contrast, we have only one president who has only a limited time to carry out policies he believes are vital for the country’s future.”

“Subsequent events bear out the President’s actions,” Earnest continued. “Within days, GOP front-runner Donald Trump was calling for a moratorium on Muslim immigration. Polls showing a majority of voters in support of such a restriction pose a clear and present danger to the Administration’s plan to end the Syrian civil war by moving as many Syrians as possible out of the war zone and into the United States as fast as we can.”

Polls showing voters favoring restrictions on Muslim immigration weren’t the only signs of trouble cited by Earnest. “Individuals selfishly placing their own safety ahead of the President’s vision for the country are buying firearms at an alarming pace,” Earnest lamented. “Seizing these armaments may become an impossible task.”

In related news, law-enforcement officials in Arizona, Florida, New York, and Texas have urged persons with firearms “carry permits” to actually carry their guns “as a deterrent to terrorist attacks.” This advice was not universal, though. In Pinellas County, Florida, Sheriff Bob Gualtieri warned that he has instructed his officers “not to hesitate to shoot any civilian they see with a firearm, licensed or not. We can’t risk officers’ lives by asking them to differentiate between good guys and bad guys. It’s better to err on the side of safety and assume that anyone with a gun is a bad guy.”

Administration Admits CO2 Cuts Futile

This week at the United Nations Paris summit on climate-change, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry admitted that “even if every western nation reduced its carbon emissions to zero—a clearly impossible accomplishment—global CO2 will continue to rise.” The reason is that the growing emissions from the less-developed nations will easily overwhelm whatever the West does.

Still, Kerry pressed for western nations to make the commitment “because it would be a noble gesture. By sacrificing our prosperity we make reparation for the centuries of exploitation and oppression we have inflicted on our victims. Ideally, this sacrifice would earn us gratitude, but even if it only results in the tables being turned on us and we are exploited and oppressed for the next millennium, it will still be worth it.”

China, currently the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gases and exempt from the proposed reductions, praised Kerry’s remarks as “a long overdue admission of the guilt the Caucasian race bears for pillaging and raping the Earth in pursuit of power and profit. It is doubtful that any amount of suffering they may endure can balance the scales. But we must make the effort.”

State Department Defends Refugee Vetting Survey Instrument

State Department spokesman John Kirby ridiculed Congressional attempts to “interfere with the President’s immigration policies as unhelpful and unnecessary.” Kirby specifically chided efforts to restrict Administration plans to transport refugees from Syria to the United States if they can’t be properly vetted.

“We already have a vigorous screening process in place,” Kirby asserted. “Before any refugee is admitted he must first answer questions designed to detect potential terrorists–questions like ‘Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?’ And ‘ Do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the United States?’ A yes answer to any one of these probing queries will bar the applicant from getting the Department’s approval to enter the country.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was unpersuaded by Kirby’s assurances. “Since when is asking a person whether he intends to commit a crime deemed an adequate security measure?” Cruz wondered. “If a person has an evil intent that encompasses murder wouldn’t we expect him to lie?”

Kirby insisted that Cruz’s criticisms are unwarranted. “What the Senator is overlooking is the fine print at the bottom of each survey,” Kirby observed. “When the applicant signs a survey containing any untruthful answers he exposes himself to a charge of perjury, which is a very serious crime punishable by a prison sentence of several years duration.”

In related news, two-thirds of the Syrian refugees admitted this year are “functionally illiterate” and “have no hope of obtaining employment.” Chancellor Angela Merkel, Time Magazine’s recently anointed “person of the year” for 2015, is reportedly unfazed because “while we support them on welfare they will do the procreating that ethnic Germans have shown themselves incapable of and solve our long term demographic problems.”

Colorado ACLU Honcho Says Trump Supporters Should Be Shot

In a post to his public page on Facebook, Loring Wirbel, a board member of the Colorado ACLU and co-chair of the Colorado Springs chapter, justified shooting anyone who supports the idea that Donald Trump should be elected president.

“Not too long ago Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush was asked if he would be willing to travel back in time and kill Hitler in his crib,” Wirbel recalled. “Gov. Bush quite sensibly said yes. Well, Donald Trump is our era’s Hitler and we wouldn’t have to travel back in time to take the action necessary to prevent him from ushering in fascism right here in America.”

Out of fear that calling for the murder of a presidential candidate might be illegal, Wirbel, instead, called for the murder of Trump’s followers. “Unlike Trump, they won’t be protected by Secret Service bodyguards,” he pointed out. “They’ll be a lot easier to get at and you’ll have a better chance of getting away.”

Lt. Mark Comte of the Colorado Springs Police Department confirmed Wirbel’s interpretation of the law, saying that “since the threat does not identify a specific victim there is no action we can take at this time.”

“I’m not saying that we have to kill all of Trump’s fans,” Wirbel added. “The prospect of getting shot should whittle down the size of the crowds he’s attracting. This will take some of the sheen off of his campaign. A few dozen shootings over the next few weeks ought to be enough to torpedo his candidacy.”

In related news, the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas vehemently objected to Trump’s suggestion that Muslim immigrants be temporarily barred from entering the United States. Spokesman Ismail Radwan complained that “this restriction of our freedom of movement is contrary to the will of Allah who has commanded Muslims to conquer the world. It is every Muslim’s duty to slay those who resist Allah’s will.”

Hillary Campaign Denounces Benghazi “Smear”

In a recent interview on ABC TV, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton denied that she ever told the mourning family members of the four Americans murdered in Benghazi in 2012 that she blamed a video for their deaths. Unfortunately, those family members unanimously tell a different story.

Tyrone Woods’ father remembered Clinton promising that “the filmmaker who was responsible for the death of your son will be arrested and punished.” Sean Smith’s mother and uncle said Clinton told them the same thing.

Glen Doherty’s sister was especially offended by what she characterized as “a gratuitous falsehood. The video story was all over the media. Mrs. Clinton’s Department of State was pushing that narrative very forcefully. She kept to that story on the day we met to retrieve Glen’s body. We’ve since learned from her email correspondence that she knew from the beginning that the video was a made-up cover story.”

Hillary for President campaign manager Maggie Williams called the families’ contradictory account “a well-orchestrated smear against one of the greatest Americans of our generation. That a handful of relative nobodies would dare to challenge the veracity of Secretary Clinton is shameful. Fortunately, we can trust the media to bury this libel. But even if they don’t, voters will never believe it.”

In related news, several recently released emails from former Secretary of State Clinton’s formerly hidden stash indicate that the Obama Administration’s contention that the Benghazi victims couldn’t be rescued due to lack of time may have been false. Apparently, the Pentagon informed the State Department that it was ready to deploy a rescue mission at an early stage of the terrorist attack. As luck would have it, all the top brass of the Department had “left for the day.” A low-level State Department employee named Jeremy Bash, said he spent hours trying every phone number he could think of, but could not reach the Secretary until after the Ambassador and the others had been killed.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.