By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
December 2’s murder of 14 and wounding of 21 at an office holiday party by Syed Rizwan Farook and his wife Tashfeen Malik in San Bernardino, California was immediately recognized as terrorism by the FBI. Nonetheless, orders from the White House forbade the investigators from publicly acknowledging this.
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended this suppression of critical information “as part of the President’s broader strategic goals. Tragic as the event may have been for those involved, their interests cannot be allowed to supersede these goals.”
Among the broader strategic goals Earnest mentioned “was the necessity of insulating the Administration from any negative outcomes. Confidence in the President’s leadership could be undermined if Americans became too frightened about the possibility of terrorist attacks occurring in their neighborhoods and communities. There are over 300 million Americans. The number who might be harmed by additional terrorist strikes is a tiny fraction of the human assets we have at our disposal. In contrast, we have only one president who has only a limited time to carry out policies he believes are vital for the country’s future.”
“Subsequent events bear out the President’s actions,” Earnest continued. “Within days, GOP front-runner Donald Trump was calling for a moratorium on Muslim immigration. Polls showing a majority of voters in support of such a restriction pose a clear and present danger to the Administration’s plan to end the Syrian civil war by moving as many Syrians as possible out of the war zone and into the United States as fast as we can.”
Polls showing voters favoring restrictions on Muslim immigration weren’t the only signs of trouble cited by Earnest. “Individuals selfishly placing their own safety ahead of the President’s vision for the country are buying firearms at an alarming pace,” Earnest lamented. “Seizing these armaments may become an impossible task.”
In related news, law-enforcement officials in Arizona, Florida, New York, and Texas have urged persons with firearms “carry permits” to actually carry their guns “as a deterrent to terrorist attacks.” This advice was not universal, though. In Pinellas County, Florida, Sheriff Bob Gualtieri warned that he has instructed his officers “not to hesitate to shoot any civilian they see with a firearm, licensed or not. We can’t risk officers’ lives by asking them to differentiate between good guys and bad guys. It’s better to err on the side of safety and assume that anyone with a gun is a bad guy.”
Administration Admits CO2 Cuts Futile
This week at the United Nations Paris summit on climate-change, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry admitted that “even if every western nation reduced its carbon emissions to zero—a clearly impossible accomplishment—global CO2 will continue to rise.” The reason is that the growing emissions from the less-developed nations will easily overwhelm whatever the West does.
Still, Kerry pressed for western nations to make the commitment “because it would be a noble gesture. By sacrificing our prosperity we make reparation for the centuries of exploitation and oppression we have inflicted on our victims. Ideally, this sacrifice would earn us gratitude, but even if it only results in the tables being turned on us and we are exploited and oppressed for the next millennium, it will still be worth it.”
China, currently the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gases and exempt from the proposed reductions, praised Kerry’s remarks as “a long overdue admission of the guilt the Caucasian race bears for pillaging and raping the Earth in pursuit of power and profit. It is doubtful that any amount of suffering they may endure can balance the scales. But we must make the effort.”
State Department Defends Refugee Vetting Survey Instrument
State Department spokesman John Kirby ridiculed Congressional attempts to “interfere with the President’s immigration policies as unhelpful and unnecessary.” Kirby specifically chided efforts to restrict Administration plans to transport refugees from Syria to the United States if they can’t be properly vetted.
“We already have a vigorous screening process in place,” Kirby asserted. “Before any refugee is admitted he must first answer questions designed to detect potential terrorists–questions like ‘Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?’ And ‘ Do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the United States?’ A yes answer to any one of these probing queries will bar the applicant from getting the Department’s approval to enter the country.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was unpersuaded by Kirby’s assurances. “Since when is asking a person whether he intends to commit a crime deemed an adequate security measure?” Cruz wondered. “If a person has an evil intent that encompasses murder wouldn’t we expect him to lie?”
Kirby insisted that Cruz’s criticisms are unwarranted. “What the Senator is overlooking is the fine print at the bottom of each survey,” Kirby observed. “When the applicant signs a survey containing any untruthful answers he exposes himself to a charge of perjury, which is a very serious crime punishable by a prison sentence of several years duration.”
In related news, two-thirds of the Syrian refugees admitted this year are “functionally illiterate” and “have no hope of obtaining employment.” Chancellor Angela Merkel, Time Magazine’s recently anointed “person of the year” for 2015, is reportedly unfazed because “while we support them on welfare they will do the procreating that ethnic Germans have shown themselves incapable of and solve our long term demographic problems.”
Colorado ACLU Honcho Says Trump Supporters Should Be Shot
In a post to his public page on Facebook, Loring Wirbel, a board member of the Colorado ACLU and co-chair of the Colorado Springs chapter, justified shooting anyone who supports the idea that Donald Trump should be elected president.
“Not too long ago Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush was asked if he would be willing to travel back in time and kill Hitler in his crib,” Wirbel recalled. “Gov. Bush quite sensibly said yes. Well, Donald Trump is our era’s Hitler and we wouldn’t have to travel back in time to take the action necessary to prevent him from ushering in fascism right here in America.”
Out of fear that calling for the murder of a presidential candidate might be illegal, Wirbel, instead, called for the murder of Trump’s followers. “Unlike Trump, they won’t be protected by Secret Service bodyguards,” he pointed out. “They’ll be a lot easier to get at and you’ll have a better chance of getting away.”
Lt. Mark Comte of the Colorado Springs Police Department confirmed Wirbel’s interpretation of the law, saying that “since the threat does not identify a specific victim there is no action we can take at this time.”
“I’m not saying that we have to kill all of Trump’s fans,” Wirbel added. “The prospect of getting shot should whittle down the size of the crowds he’s attracting. This will take some of the sheen off of his campaign. A few dozen shootings over the next few weeks ought to be enough to torpedo his candidacy.”
In related news, the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas vehemently objected to Trump’s suggestion that Muslim immigrants be temporarily barred from entering the United States. Spokesman Ismail Radwan complained that “this restriction of our freedom of movement is contrary to the will of Allah who has commanded Muslims to conquer the world. It is every Muslim’s duty to slay those who resist Allah’s will.”
Hillary Campaign Denounces Benghazi “Smear”
In a recent interview on ABC TV, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton denied that she ever told the mourning family members of the four Americans murdered in Benghazi in 2012 that she blamed a video for their deaths. Unfortunately, those family members unanimously tell a different story.
Tyrone Woods’ father remembered Clinton promising that “the filmmaker who was responsible for the death of your son will be arrested and punished.” Sean Smith’s mother and uncle said Clinton told them the same thing.
Glen Doherty’s sister was especially offended by what she characterized as “a gratuitous falsehood. The video story was all over the media. Mrs. Clinton’s Department of State was pushing that narrative very forcefully. She kept to that story on the day we met to retrieve Glen’s body. We’ve since learned from her email correspondence that she knew from the beginning that the video was a made-up cover story.”
Hillary for President campaign manager Maggie Williams called the families’ contradictory account “a well-orchestrated smear against one of the greatest Americans of our generation. That a handful of relative nobodies would dare to challenge the veracity of Secretary Clinton is shameful. Fortunately, we can trust the media to bury this libel. But even if they don’t, voters will never believe it.”
In related news, several recently released emails from former Secretary of State Clinton’s formerly hidden stash indicate that the Obama Administration’s contention that the Benghazi victims couldn’t be rescued due to lack of time may have been false. Apparently, the Pentagon informed the State Department that it was ready to deploy a rescue mission at an early stage of the terrorist attack. As luck would have it, all the top brass of the Department had “left for the day.” A low-level State Department employee named Jeremy Bash, said he spent hours trying every phone number he could think of, but could not reach the Secretary until after the Ambassador and the others had been killed.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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