DOJ to Investigate Oscars

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe absence of blacks, homosexuals, and transgenders from the ranks of those nominated for this year’s Academy Awards has spurred outrage among cultural elites. Hollywood power couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will boycott the awards ceremony. Homosexual actor Ian McKellen groused that “we mustn’t let the attention given to racism completely overshadow the homophobia plaguing the film industry.”

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch labeled “the lack of nominations for legally protected groups is disturbing. The claim that nominees are democratically determined by secret ballot does not exempt the Academy from affirmative action laws. Racially disparate outcomes are, by themselves, proof of discrimination under current statutes. We will need to evaluate whether the list of this year’s nominees needs to be expanded or whether the whole process must be revamped in order to ensure a more racial and sexual-identity balanced slate of candidates for the awards.”

Lynch sternly added that “even a balanced list of nominees won’t guarantee against further action by the Administration if protected groups don’t win a proportionate share of the prizes. The President is fully prepared to take executive action if that is what is needed to achieve justice.”

In related news, Lynch sought to dispel rumors concerning a possible indictment of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for national security violations stemming from her use of an unsecured email system. “The fact that lesser persons have been prosecuted for lesser offenses is not relevant,” Lynch argued. “As a high-ranking member of government a secretary of state has a certain level of immunity for all actions taken while holding office. Mistakes in judgment, even of the grossest sort, must not be treated as crimes. Likewise, attempts to cover up these mistakes are a normal part of governing.”

Sanders’ Tax Hike to Cost 6 Million Jobs

An analysis undertaken by the Tax Foundation estimates that the tax increases promised by Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) will cut economic growth by more than 9 percent and result in 6 million fewer full-time jobs.

Sanders’ plan would significantly increase marginal tax rates on capital and labor income, which would result in a substantial reduction of the size of the U.S. economy in the long run,” authors Alan Cole and Scott Greenberg asserted.

Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver pooh-poohed the report quoting economist John Maynard Keynes’ observation that “in the long run we are all dead. At 74 years old Bernie hasn’t the time to ponder the long run. The important thing is to take care of people now and let later generations fend for themselves.”

I know that the politically correct stance is to worry about our children and grandchildren,” Weaver said. “But think about it. In the next generation most of the work will be done by robots. So most people won’t need to have jobs. A better way of looking at Bernie’s tax plan is that it will liberate 6 million Americans from wage-slavery. Instead of having to get up every morning, fight traffic, and punch a time-clock, six million more people can sleep late, secure in the knowledge that the government will provide for their needs.”

Cole called Weaver’s grasp of economics “stunning in its ignorance. By penalizing work and investment, Sanders’ plan would deter the kind of innovation that is necessary to boost the average person’s standard of living. His ‘siren song’ of ‘free stuff’ will engender sloth and ensure that poverty becomes more widespread.”

In other avant-garde news, the New York City Council has legalized public urination. The disproportionate representation of minorities among those cited for what was previously illegal inspired the change. City Council Speaker Melissa Mark-Viverito declared that “insisting that natural body functions be conducted behind closed doors imposes white standards and white tyranny on minorities.”

Swedish Authorities Unsure of How to Deal with Refugee Violence

After a contingent of ten police officers were scared off from rescuing a ten-year-old rape victim from a refugee center, authorities professed themselves to be at a loss for what to do next.

The ardor with which the Muslim mob attacked the police seeking to remove the boy from the center has caused us to reexamine our premises,” National Police Commissioner Dan Eliasson admitted. “To us, the idea of grown men sexually abusing this young boy is repugnant. But are we guilty of projecting our own values onto another culture?”

I am told that keeping such boys on hand for the pleasure of Muslim men is a time worn tradition in Arab countries where polygamy has left many adult men without hope of finding a female mate,” Eliasson said. “The young age of the victim apparently fits through a ‘loophole’ in Islam’s proscription against homosexuality.”

The commissioner also wondered “whether our tolerance of this practice among the immigrant community might offer a safety valve against these men raping Swedish women. Is the repeated raping of a handful of Muslim youths an acceptable price for us to pay in order to protect our women?”

In related news, a 17-year-old Danish girl who fought off a Muslim attacker using pepper spray is being charged with unlawful possession of the spray by local authorities. Police spokesman Knud Kirsten defended her arrest saying that “the law clearly states that pepper spray is illegal. Even though she was the victim of an unprovoked attack that doesn’t justify the breaking of this law. Two wrongs don’t make a right. As a victim she had the high moral ground. As a retaliator, though, she has sacrificed that high ground and made herself a criminal.”

Trump Snags First Congressional Endorsement

While a slew of GOP presidential contenders ranging from Sen. Ted Cruz (Tex) to former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush have gotten endorsements from sitting members of Congress, Donald Trump had come up empty until this week when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) gave him the nod.

When you look over who the Republicans are considering as their nominee its a sorry bunch,” Reid observed. “None of them possess the visionary leadership exhibited over the last seven years by President Obama. However, one of them stands out as a man of perspicacity and guile. That man is Donald Trump. Not only has he had the good sense to help fund a few of my campaigns for office, but I believe he also has the flexibility to be able to reach across the aisle and work with Democrats for the greater good of the country.”

Reid hastened to clarify that “of course, I will be supporting the Democratic nominee in the general election. Trump is a hateful demagogue that I urge voters to reject. However, if he wins in November I’m confident that we can make mutually beneficial deals with the author of The Art of the Deal.”

For his part, Trump cited Reid’s remarks “as proof I’m the one candidate in either Party who is best situated to make things happen. I’ve always had a good relationship with Harry. I’ve been very close to his likely successor Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). And I’ve never had a problem with Nanct Pelosi (D-Calif). No other Republican can say the same. So, yes, I think we can do business with the Democrats after I’m elected.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was endorsed by Ted Kaczynski, who called her “the least of the evils available. Total anarchy would be my preferred ideal. None of the Republicans would get us an inch closer to that. On the other hand, her lawless flouting of national security gives a tiny ray of hope that we might move in the right direction with Hillary in the White House.” In 1998, Kaczynski was convicted of crimes related to a notorious nationwide bombing campaign that earned him the nickname: “Unabomber.”

Judge Declares Law Mandating Abortion Facilities Meet Health Requirements Unconstitutional

Baton Rouge District Judge John deGravelles blocked a Louisiana law requiring that abortion facilities comply with state standards for health and safety, calling it unconstitutional.

The right to an abortion is a constitutional right decreed by the United States Supreme Court in 1973,” de Gravelles ruled. “The state is not permitted to infringe on this right by adding conditions that could limit a woman’s ability to abort her child.”

The judge dispensed with the argument that the state has the power to set health and safety standards for medical treatments. “The contention that the lack of such standards endangers the health of women undergoing the procedure cannot overrule the fundamental protection given to abortion under our Constitution,” he said. “That the procedure entails some risk is not in dispute. However, women must be free to assume this risk in pursuit of their constitutionally protected objective. It is analogous to the Constitution’s right to bear arms. Guns are dangerous, but states may not legislate restrictions on ownership or use just by citing this danger. Just as a citizen bearing arms might shoot himself, a woman undergoing an abortion might harm her own health or even lose her life. That such undesired consequences might follow the exercise of a constitutional right does not grant government authorities the power to interfere with the enjoyment of that right.”

In related news, President Obama’s “common sense” gun control strategy is targeting Social Security recipients for disarmament. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained saying that “it’s a ‘years of lives saved’ issue. The vast majority of criminals seniors might want to defend themselves against are young men. A young man getting shot costs society decades worth of lost years of life. Preventing seniors from imposing this cost on society is the better trade-off even if it means more seniors become victims. They have a lot less to lose.”

Obama and Hillary Try Hand at Comedy

Perhaps looking toward a future outside of politics, both President Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tried out some comedy bits this week.

The president made the first volley calling Hillary “wicked smart” and “warm and funny.”

Hillary countered with “anybody who know me knows you can’t buy me.”

The host of the HBO talk show Real Time with Bill Maher, called the efforts of the two “deliciously absurd and surreal. I wish I had thought of these jokes myself.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Arizona Champion of Life has Gone to the Ages

Just saw this posted on Facebook by John Jacubczyk, past board president of Arizona Right to Life:

Carolyn Gerster M.D. passed into her eternal rest today. Dr. Gerster was involved in the pro-life movement for over 40 years. She was a founder and president of Arizona Right to Life. She was one of the founders of the National Right to Life Committee. She served as president of NRLC. Her amazing skills were known throughout the country and later throughout the world. She spoke in over 48 States and on six continents. Please join me in praying for her soul and praying for her family.

Gov. Ducey Wants Arizona Out of the Ninth Circuit

By Cathi Herrod, President, Center for Arizona Policy

Today, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey issued a call for the U.S. Congress to establish another federal circuit court of appeals that removes Arizona from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

In his call, Gov. Ducey stated, “…due to its voluminous caseload and disproportionate size, the Ninth Circuit has an abysmal turnaround time of over 15 months for an average ruling… Arizonans deserve better than this from the people in power, and that includes a judicial process that is judicious in nature. It’s time that Congress takes overdue action to resolve this crisis in our courts.” Ducey further pointed out that the Ninth Circuit is consistently overturned with a 77 percent reversal rate.

Arizona Attorney General Mark Brnovich joined in stating: “The Ninth Circuit is overloaded and it’s bringing on new cases faster than it can resolve old ones. Reform in this area is long overdue.”

Read the full press release here as well as Governor Ducey’s letter to Congress here.

Action Needed:

  • Urge your U.S. Senator and Congressman to make this much needed change!
  • Forward this email to a friend! It is crucial that Arizona’s Congressional Delegation hear from the citizens in their state.
  • Thank Governor Ducey! Send an email to the Governor to thank him for seeking this much needed change in our judicial process.
  • Pray! Pray that Arizona’s U.S. Senators and Representatives will stand boldly and seek a judicious legal process for the citizens they represent.

The Arizona Conservative says: Bravo to the governor’s efforts! And to CAP for supporting this measure. They took the high road and didn’t say this … but we will say it: in 99.9 percent of the social issues cases going up to the Ninth Circuit, this controversial court will rule against conservatives. The deck is stacked in San Francisco, in favor of judicial activism. And it isn’t fair.

Endorsing Senator Ted Cruz for Commander In Chief

We are proud to endorse Senator Ted Cruz for the highest office in the land — the presidency. He is far and away the best American for the job.

We are extremely impressed with Sen. Cruz’s integrity, his leadership skills, his courage and his fortitude. None else match him in these crucial categories.

We see a stronger, more civil America under the leadership of a President Cruz. The nightmares of the anti-American, socialist monstrosity that is the Obama presidency will be repaired by the Cruz Administration. Wrongs will be righted. We won’t have to doubt or to suspect this administration of bad policy. We can rest assured the soul of America will be in good — great — hands with this fine American serving us.

Let us pray that he succeeds. Let us pray that America wises up and rises up to throw off the shackles of the freedom-destroying, corrupt Obama Administration. Let us pray that Americans wisely reject the corrupt, socialist alternative to a presidential candidate who has our best intentions in mind and who will faithfully and honestly execute the office of the presidency to the best of his ability. A man with the right worldview and a healthy respect for our heritage and history of freedom. A true friend of the taxpayer and the most defenseless of Americans.

Sanders Calls for Nationalized Health Care

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRiding on the crest of poll numbers showing a surge for his presidential bid, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) upped the ante vs. rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by calling for a nationalization of health care.

Obamacare is a confusing mess of broken promises,” Sanders asserted. “We need to replace it with a fully socialized system where all medical payments and decisions are made by the federal government.”

Under Sanders’ proposal everyone would be covered with a zero deductible and zero co-pay plan. “No one should have to skimp on medical treatment merely because they’d have to pay out of pocket for visiting a doctor,” Sanders said. “That decision should be based purely on health considerations.”

The savings in avoiding health insurance premiums now hitting those under Obamacare would be offset by a 30% boost in federal tax rates—about $1.38 trillion per year. Whether that would be enough to cover the likely increase in demand for services with a zero out-of-pocket price to consumers seems doubtful.

To keep government costs from spiraling out of control, though, Sanders’ plan calls for a government board to make determinations on which treatments are necessary and effective. “The notion that each individual doctor or patient can be permitted to decide how much treatment is needed has to be replaced by a more socially responsible metric, as it has under the United Kingdom’s National Health Service,” Sanders argued.

Access to government-approved therapies will be free-of-charge to the patient,” Sanders explained. “Wasteful, ineffective, and unapproved therapies will be outlawed. The current practice of letting those who can afford it the privilege of purchasing treatments outside of the nationalized system will be eliminated. No one has the right to waste society’s collective resources on idiosyncratic medical theories. All will be allocated the modicum of health care that government experts determine is optimal for the whole.”

Clinton labeled Sanders’ plan “pie-in-the-sky socialism of the worst sort. While we agree that the anarchistic idea that individuals can be entrusted with decisions about how much to budget for their own health care, does anyone truly believe that a committee of government bureaucrats could efficiently and effectively determine a one-size-fits-all plan? Such authority should rest with medical community experts—the insurers and drug manufacturers—who have decades of experience in managing health care.”

Muslim Refugee Rampages and European Mental Confusion Continue

In France, Muslim migrants burned down the refugee shelters that the French government spent 20 million euros to build for them. The humanitarian gesture of providing migrants with proper beds, showers, electricity and heating was spurned by ungrateful refugees as “far below the accommodations kafirs are obliged to provide us,” according to an immigrant from Africa. “The so-called housing is dormitories. We demand private apartments with big-screen TVs, wifi, and all the normal standards enjoyed by the dhimmis.”

In Saxony, Germany, Muslim immigrants showed their dissatisfaction with government efforts to accommodate them by masturbating into a jacuzzi and defecating into a swimming pool. This is in addition to the sexual harassment that is becoming a routine part of the immigration experience for German females. In Munich, a pair of young girls were groped at a local pool by a gang of Syrian and Afghan asylum seekers. The offenders were released by police because, according to the Merkel government “it is not our prerogative to impose European cultural standards on our Muslim guests.”

Meanwhile, Sweden, which has seen its share of crude and threatening behavior from its contingent of Muslim immigrants, has called for an investigation of Israelis’ killing of knife-wielding assassins for what Swedish Foreign Minister Margot Wallstrom characterized as “extrajudicial executions. Just because someone tries to stab you doesn’t give you the right to shoot them.” Wallstrom brushed off the Israeli self-defense argument saying, “since when do two wrongs make a right?”

National Review Booted from Debate for Anti-Trump Editorial

The Republican National Committee has uninvited the editors of National Review from participating in the GOP presidential candidate debate scheduled for February 25 in Houston, citing the magazine’s stance against Donald Trump as “disqualifying bias,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said. “It is my responsibility to protect all of our candidates from the baleful effects of media bias.”

The Chairman attempted to distinguish NR‘s “bias” from that of the liberal media personalities who regularly moderate GOP debates. “While everyone knows that media moderators are biased against Republicans, the bias is not explicitly overt,” Priebus pointed out. “The sneers, the loaded questions, the badgering of our candidates may evince a subtle antagonism toward our Party. However, by stopping short of outright vocalization of opposition a facade of impartiality is still maintained.”

The National Review editors, though, have come right out and accused Donald Trump of not being a conservative,” Priebus said. “Whether the accusation is true or not, it is an argument for GOP voters to not support him in the upcoming primaries. That is simply unfair.”

Priebus also reminded everyone that “Trump has been the chief reason why the GOP debates have been such a big draw. If we were to permit National Review to get away with opposing him he might boycott further debates, or worse, sue the Republican Party. I mean, Trump is threatening to sue the Washington Post for daring to report on his role in the bankruptcy of his casino in 1991. The risk of alienating him is very palpable.”

In related news, Secret Service agents protecting Trump demanded that Mounds, Oklahoma Police Chief Tim McDaniel leave a rally because he was carrying his duty weapon. SS spokesman Andy Pretorian explained that “our sole concern is the safety of the candidate. No weapons other than what we are carrying are allowed. There can be no exceptions for so-called self-defense. All other persons attending a campaign event must do so at their own risk.”

GOP Establishment Warms to Trump

GOP presidential front runner Donald Trump boasted to rally attendees in Las Vegas’ South Point Resort and Casino that “the Republican establishment is coming over to our side. They hate Ted Cruz so much that they’re throwing their support to me.”

While there hasn’t yet been an explicit endorsement from key establishment figures, Trump maintained that “it seems pretty clear that Sen. Dole and Sen. McConnell prefer me to Cruz. They recognize that I’m the guy who can reach across the aisle and make a deal with Pelosi (D-Calif) and Reid (D-Nev). Cruz has been the guy blocking consensus between Republicans and Democrats for the last four years. He says he wants to shrink government, but that’s the stance of a loser. We have the opportunity to grab the reins and use the power of government to restore order, to direct resources toward the right investments, to make America great again.”

Former Sen. Bob Dole, the GOP’s 1996 nominee for president, castigated Republican presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz as “an unlikable guy. I get the sense that he cares more about conservatism than governing. Trump, on the other hand, has the right personality to wheel-and-deal in Washington. He understands the way things get done. He won’t get hung up on some obscure Constitutional principle. He will ‘horse trade’ and ‘twist arms’ the way it’s always been done.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell averred that “if the choice is between Cruz and Trump I’d have to say Trump is more likely to be in sync with how we do business in DC. He isn’t out to hamstring the government like Cruz is. He will give a little to get a little. I think those who rely on funds from the government have nothing to fear from Trump.”

In related news, Trump denied that the billions in loans he has received from big banks would influence him the way in which much smaller amounts lent to Cruz that Trump says amount to the banks “owning Cruz.” “Cruz will be bound by the idea that he has to pay back those loans,” Trump contended. “The banks know that I will not be bound in the same fashion. One way or another I will figure out how to get out from under any obligation. In contrast to every other candidate, I am free from outside influence. I will do whatever I think is necessary as president without worrying about who I owe what. It’s called ‘winning.’ My $10 billion personal fortune shows I know how to get the better of any deal I make.”

Prof Debunks Idea that Right-Wingers a Bigger Threat

Professor Andrew Holt of Florida State College at Jacksonville has challenged the Obama Administration’s contention that right-wing extremists pose a greater threat than Islamic terrorists. “If we look at all the casualties resulting from terrorist attacks over the last 15 years, the number of people killed by jihadis outnumber those killed by right-wingers by more than 60 to one,” Holt said.

Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson brushed off the professor’s analysis as “a simplistic body count. Merely adding up the number killed assumes an unwarranted equivalence among those affected. All the victims of Islamic terrorists in the United States were ‘soft targets’ comprised of relatively unimportant private citizens. In contrast, right-wing extremists are focused on government officials. Even if they don’t actually kill them, right-wing agitation that could lead to voters opposing the government pose a much larger existential threat to what we’re trying to accomplish.”

By way of example, Johnson cited “the tolerable toll of the thousands of US troops that died on the D-Day invasion of Normandy to the incalculably greater catastrophe that would have resulted if right-wingers had prevailed in the 1944 election. Replacing Roosevelt with Dewey would have been a disaster of major magnitude. So, we make no apology for accepting the losses inflicted by jihadis as a reasonable price to pay for focusing our efforts on preventing the overthrow of the Obama Administration by the Romney insurgency in 2012.”

In related news, Attorney General Loretta Lynch says she may have to defy a court order to hand over documents to a congressional committee investigating the Fast and Furious gun-walking scandal. “The 30,000 Mexicans estimated to have been killed by these weapons is not a serious threat to our government,” Lynch maintained. “Unwarranted prying into the confidential activities of the Administration is. My duty to protect the President from this threat takes priority over my legal obligation to obey a court’s order.”

UN to Consider Emergency Aid to Islamic State

A report that the Islamic State has been forced to cut the pay of its fighters in Iraq and Syria has sparked interest in a possible aid package for the beleaguered infant state.

It’s a simple matter of fairness,” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon observed. “With both Russia and the United States taking military action against them the Islamic State is in deadly peril. Maintaining the necessary fanaticism for those it sends into battle absent adequate financial rewards may be too big of obstacle for them to overcome. It may be appropriate for us to provide some funding to help level the playing field.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Remembering the Black Day of Jan. 22, 1973; Championing a Culture of Life

Cathi Herrod, president of the Center for Arizona Policy:

Today we observe one of the most tragic days in our nation’s history – the day the United States Supreme Court ruled that taking the life of a preborn child at any stage of pregnancy for any reason was legal. Yet it is a day filled with hope for the days ahead.

Today, I urge you to redouble your efforts to protect the lives of preborn children and their mothers and fathers.

Forty-three years ago few would have anticipated a pro-life movement that is stronger than ever with the country daily witnessing an increasingly pro-life majority. That the abortion rate would be dropping, not increasing.

Some key thoughts to encourage you that we are making a difference…

  • The pro-life movement is just as concerned about the woman walking into an abortion clinic as we are about her preborn child. Abortion not only stops a beating heart, it hurts women. Abortion breaks a woman’s heart. We all know a woman wounded by abortion who has suffered greatly – either physically or emotionally – from her abortion. Men are coming forward in increasing numbers who regret having supported or coerced a woman into having an abortion. These truths help persuade women to choose life, not abortion.
  • Ultrasound technology continues to show the humanity of the preborn child. The vivid pictures of babies as early as nine or ten weeks in the womb with a beating heart and clearly distinguishable human features leave no doubt – that’s a life worthy of protection.
  • The atrocities – the dangerous and deadly practices – being performed daily by Planned Parenthood and other abortion clinics continue to be exposed. No longer can the American public act as though these so-called women’s health services are for the common good. No, quite the opposite.
  • In the last three years, more states have passed more laws protecting preborn children and their mothers than at any other time in the last 43 years. Almost all of the Republican candidates for president are pro-life. More and more candidates for office proudly proclaim their pro-life views, including the most recent and current Arizona governors.

To keep making a difference, I offer you these action steps…

  • Pray for an end to abortion. Pray for committed pro-life individuals to be elected to office, especially as President of the United States. Pray for the U.S. Supreme Court as they rule on the Texas abortion law later this year.
  • Financially support and volunteer at a pregnancy resource center. These pro-life heroes are on the front lines daily reaching abortion-minded women with life-saving alternatives.
  • Financially support and volunteer for a candidate of your choosing who will protect and defend life from its very beginning to its natural end.
  • Always, always be ready to be winsome and persuasive as you present the truth with those who do not hold a pro-life view. Know the facts about how abortion hurts women and fetal development from the moment of conception.

Today we mourn the havoc wreaked on preborn children, men, and women. Yet today we also keep our hope fixed on a new day in America when all life is protected from its very beginning to its natural end.

ICYMI – Latest News and Articles of Interest 

 

Rep. Schweikert will not tangle with mud-slinging McCain in this year’s primary

Arizona superstar conservative Congressman David Schweikert confirmed he is not planning to run against entrenched U.S. Senator John McCain in this year’s Republican Primary.

We have long recommended Schweikert for a Senate run, but we know it will be extremely difficult to get the RINO out of the Senate. Too many people have been wasting their vote on a veteran and former POW to give him the boot. That’s a sad, but true, fact of life in Arizona.

It will be left to Arizona Senator Dr. Kelli Ward to brawl with McCain, who does two things every time he’s up for election:

First, he claims to be a conservative.

Second, he destroys any conservative who gets in his way.

McCain lacks the temperament and the principle to be a good Senator. His career is one of complacency and under-performing. We deserve better representation.

Senator Jeff Flake is a McCain puppet, and we strongly recommend Schweikert go after his Senate seat at the first opportunity. Again, Arizonans deserve better representation than we are getting from this McCain shadow.

NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile at odds over whether the state or the city should get to expropriate citizens’ wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that “there is no place in the state for ‘conservative extremists.’”

The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be “not who New Yorkers are,” include “opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today’s world.”

These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil disagreement and create a schism that endangers the very fabric of society,” Cuomo contended. “It would be best if those holding unacceptable political positions were to remove themselves from the state before something awful happens.”

We all understand there’s a right to free speech,” de Blasio said. “But the Governor is right. As chief executives of our respective jurisdictions we have a duty to protect citizens from having to listen to ‘hateful words.’ Those who characterize abortion as ‘infanticide’ hurt the feelings of the millions of New Yorkers who support this therapy for unwanted pregnancies. The fact that many who make such a characterization also support private ownership of firearms poses a threat to New Yorkers’ values that government has an obligation to suppress.”

Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves

When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option.

I’m sorry you were raped,” the president told Kimberly Corban, “but fortunately you weren’t killed. Most rape victims are not killed If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter alive and without life-threatening injuries. I call that a ‘win-win’ outcome compared to what might have happened if you had pulled a gun to try to prevent the rape.”

Corban, who has struggled with depression, PTSD and stress-related seizures since she was raped was neither persuaded nor mollified by the President’s response or his reasoning. “The restrictions President Obama is adding make it harder for me to own a gun or harder for me to take that where I need to be is actually just making my kids and I less safe,” she asserted. “His fear that I might accidentally shoot myself or, as he put it, ‘unjustly impose a death penalty on my attacker’ conveys a total lack of sympathy or understanding.”

In related news, MSNBC decided not to do an interview with Juanita Broaddrick, a woman who says Bill Clinton raped her in 1978, “because, as it turns out it’s just old news. The alleged rape took place nearly 40 years ago. The statute of limitations expired long ago,” said network spokesman Moe Lester. “Even though it is candidate Hillary Clinton’s position that ‘every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported,’ we do not believe the current campaign should be diverted from more pressing issues by listening to an aged rape victim’s accusations.”

German Government Urges Non-Muslims to Stay off Streets “for Own Safety”

The German government’s inability to cope with the flood of refugees Chancellor Angela Merkel invited into the country took an even more distressing turn when all non-Muslims were urged to stay off the streets for their own safety. Reports that police have been ordered not to interfere with unruly mobs of Muslim men out of fear that arresting these lawbreakers would be perceived as “racist” has left citizens and police uneasy.

We thought we were letting in women and orphans as a humanitarian gesture, but 95 percent of the refugees appear to be footloose young men with no manners and no respect for the law,” complained a frightened Berliner. “It’s the worst things have been in Germany been since Soviet troops ravaged our cities and our women in 1945.”

Frustrated police claim they are under pressure to falsify reports in order to make crimes seem less serious. “One refugee tried to cut another’s throat,” an officer requesting anonymity explained. “Normally, we’d write this up as ‘attempted murder.’ But the higher-ups told us to classify this as ‘a minor scuffle with slight injuries.’ Our basic rule of thumb is it’s better to just let the perps run away.”

Dept of Health and Human Services Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps

Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370 percent. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as “great progress on the President’s goal of transforming America,” by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.”

One of the favorite “higher goals” of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers and spend about $111 per month on the habit.

Unfazed by the food subsidy’s enabling recipients to indulge in unhealthy behavior, Burwell boasted that “we also have a vigorous anti-smoking educational campaign to try to offset this unfortunate byproduct of what everyone recognizes as an essential humanitarian undertaking. And if our education efforts fail, fiscal hawks ought to appreciate the budgetary advantages of earlier mortality among those who do smoke.”

Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group

Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that “CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses.”

The suit alleged irreparable harm including “loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos’ portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel.”

Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled the suit “an attempt to intimidate Planned Parenthood’s critics. Most of America was appalled to learn of the crass and cruel practices going on at Planned Parenthood. Most of America is opposed to forcing taxpayers to subsidize the human sacrifice taking place behind closed doors of this manager of abattoirs for the most helpless of our species.”

Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America argued that “regardless of whether the activities disclosed in the videos is criminal, there is a proper procedure for going forward. That procedure requires that a warrant be obtained before any taping is done. This procedure protects the rights of mafia racketeers and it also protects the private dealings of Planned Parenthood. The so-called evidence obtained by CMP was not undertaken after a judge-approved warrant. It is, therefore ‘fruit from the tainted tree’ and inadmissible as evidence of any wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood. At the same time, it is irrefutable proof that CMP has grossly invaded Planned Parenthood’s privacy.”

The suit demands that “all of CMP’s videos be erased, all its assets be seized and confiscated, and that all the principals at CMP be punished to the maximum extent permitted by law.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton vowed to make abortions free if she is elected president later this year. “Rich people who can afford to pay can have all the abortions they want,” Clinton pointed out. “Poor people shouldn’t have fewer rights just because they can’t afford to pay for their abortions. It is government’s obligation to ensure equal rights for all. I will guarantee that abortion is a right that no one has to pay for when I’m president.”

Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He’s Promising

Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that “it would spoil the surprise.”

Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?” Sanders wanted to know. “On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I’m going to ask to bear the expense may try to move their property out of my reach.”

The candidate contended that “it should be enough for voters to know that I will be taking from those who have more than they should in order to give to those who have less than they should. People should have faith that their government can be trusted to do the right thing. I am the candidate who will restore that faith.”

Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that “Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration.

Will they fund terrorist cells?” Pelosi asked. “Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off.”

Sometimes you’ve got to make a deal with the devil,” she added. “For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land in Czechoslovakia was ceded to Germany. Did Germany do bad things to the people living in this land? Yes, but the deal bought almost a year’s worth of peace before the start of World War II. In the Iran deal we’re buying ten year’s worth of peace at the risk of a few thousand casualties. It’s clear to me that we’re making a good purchase.”

Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly

Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on “the GOP’s selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda.”

It is difficult to grasp the president’s logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President’s budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration’s regulatory initiatives or executive actions.

The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they refused to silence their party’s extremists who continually railed against what they called tyranny,” Obama complained. “This undermined the faith of the people in their government and bred a fatal skepticism that questioned the wisdom of an expansive, humane, and nurturing state.”

The president acknowledged that “I didn’t exploit all of my options to the fullest extent. We let the IRS intimidate conservative opponents of my agenda, but we could’ve gone further. The FBI has a rich lode of embarrassing information that we did not use as assiduously as we might have. And there were options that I, as Commander-in-Chief could have ordered our military to carry out against these domestic enemies.”

In related news, Obama vowed he would veto legislation introduced by House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) that would reduce presidential pensions for those making more than $400,000 per year after leaving office. “Cutting my pension based on the premise that the millions I expect to earn from books and speeches means I don’t need the money is unfair,” Obama complained. “I earned that pension from eight years of selfless public service. It is not the government’s role to supplant the rewards I’m owed for my effort by redistributing public funds due me based on someone else’s arbitrary notion about what I don’t need. That’s socialism. I won’t stand for it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year’s Eve Assaults

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnOn New Year’s Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that “there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved.”

Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city’s police’s inability to intervene as “a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral women are out in public in the state of undress that we have become accustomed to tolerating in our society. Fondling such women, raping them, and robbing them is permitted or possibly even commanded by the Quran and other Islamic scriptures.”

Rather than try to coerce these immigrants into abiding by our values it seems more prudent that we take the steps necessary to avoid these kinds of incidents in the future,” Reker advised. “At a minimum, German women could do a better job of covering themselves when out in public. Better still, women should never venture out without being accompanied by a male protector—a husband, father, or brother. If we simply take these few sensible precautions we can learn to live in peace with our new neighbors.”

Ralf Jaeger, German interior minister for North Rhine-Westphalia, decried German anger over the assaults as “incendiary rhetoric that can only magnify the cultural differences between ethnic Germans and recent immigrants.” Jaeger called on the media “to suppress the kind of hate speech that targets the beliefs and behaviors that are out-of-step with traditional German norms. As uncomfortable as it may be, we must learn to live in a world of diversity. Embracing and celebrating this diversity is the more progressive stance.”

In related news, the Ottawa, Canada Children’s Choir welcomed refugees by singing Islamic prayer Tala’ al-Badru ‘Alayna during a holiday concert. The song praises the slaughter of Jewish and Christian men and the raping of Jewish and Christian women by Muslims as “the path to paradise for true believers.” Choir director Robert Filion urged that “we look beyond the specific words, bad as they might be, and accept the choir’s performance as an effort to foster diversity and cultural inclusion.”

Dem Calls Congress’ Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood “Un-Christian”

Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as “profoundly un-Christian.”

The objection that the President’s health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers,” Cohen maintained. “First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren’t Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn’t say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary.”

Second, even if we were to accept the premise that aborting babies was a crime, did not Jesus command his followers to ‘turn the other cheek?’” Cohen remembered. “As I understand it, it is not a Christian’s place to strike back at those who smite the pre-born. It is his religious obligation to forgive his enemies.”

Cohen did take comfort from the assurance that “this sacrilegious affront from GOP lawmakers who profess to be Christians will be stricken down by the righteous hand of President Obama.”

In related news, the Obama Administration asked the US Supreme Court to invalidate a Texas statute requiring that abortion facilities in the state meet minimal medical standards. U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli, Jr. asserted that “insisting that abortion clinics meet hospital-like ambulatory surgical center standards and that doctors working in the clinics have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles is unduly burdensome. The purpose of an abortion is to end a life. Doctors should not be forced to abide by the same sanitary procedures mandated for surgeries intended to save a life. If women choose to freely accept the risks, the state has no call to compel safety frills that will add unnecessary costs to the abortion procedures.”

Hillary Campaign Calls Classification Rules “Dumb”

A revelation from the latest batch of emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured private server indicating that she explicitly instructed a subordinate to bypass classification regulations was brushed off as “a phony scandal” by her campaign.

Campaign Manager Robbie Mook admitted that “by all appearances this would seem a violation of the rules. However, if we closely examine the circumstances we can see in this instance, following the rules would’ve been just dumb.”

Look, the issue was the transmission of the ‘talking points’ for Secretary Clinton to use in promulgating the false cover story blaming the video for the Benghazi incident,” Mook pointed out. “The notion that transmitting a fictional description of actual events could somehow endanger national security is ridiculous.”

Secretary Clinton made the same kind of executive decision to ignore inappropriate and nonsensical rules that President Obama has made on numerous occasions,” Mook contended. “She should not be pilloried for following the example set by the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.”

Mook similarly dismissed rumors that Mrs. Clinton could face charges of improper disclosure or retention of classified information, destruction of government records, lying to federal agents, lying under oath, and obstruction of justice, calling the alleged actions “a normal part of the governing process. Lying has long been a key tool of the art of diplomacy. As the nation’s chief diplomat, Secretary Clinton cannot have been expected to abstain from using this tool to protect the government’s policies from unwanted criticism.”

In related news, Mook also declined the challenge from Charles Woods—father of Tyrone Woods—for Clinton to take a lie detector test to determine who is telling the truth about what was said when Clinton met with the Benghazi victims’ families shortly after the September 2012 attack. “Mr. Woods has already had his 15 minutes of fame,” Mook said. “We see no need to extend those minutes by allowing this pathetic attention-seeking nobody to parasitically attach himself to deserved renown earned by Mrs. Clinton over decades of public service. Besides, there’s no point to it. Lie detector tests aren’t admissible in court.”

Tearful Obama Enacts More Gun Controls

Determined not to let an uncooperative Congress impede necessary gun controls, a teary President Obama announced a new round of executive legislation aimed at reducing gun violence. While his actions lack Constitutional or statutory authority, the President claimed to be “taking the moral high ground” and alleged that “90% of Americans agree with me.”

The gist of the President’s initiative is to “gum up the works as much as possible in order to make the acquisition of a gun a lengthy, tedious, and frustrating undertaking. Even if all we accomplish is to prevent one person from obtaining a firearm that they otherwise would have we will have succeeded in making the country safer.”

Whether Obama’s prescription would really make the country safer was called into question by a report just published by the Crime Prevention Research Center. This report concludes that “despite the frequent calls for expanded background checks after mass public shootings, there is no evidence that background checks on private transfers of guns would have prevented any of the attacks that have taken place since at least 2000 and that there is no statistical evidence that proves the mass public shootings are rarer in states with background checks on private transfers.”

The president characterized the report as “out of line with my thinking and beliefs” and discounted the possibility that more weapons in the hands of law-abiding citizens could actually reduce carnage. “If only the criminal has a gun maybe no one gets shot if the victim doesn’t resist,” he reasoned. “But if both the criminal and victim have guns two people could get shot. Anyway I look at it, this is a worse outcome.”

In support of his action, Obama cited “the remarkable success China has achieved by keeping guns out of the hands of private citizens” and contended that “it seems to me that this is a model we should emulate.”

Sanders’ Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use

According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders’s spouse Jane O’Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders’s House campaigns between 2000 and 2004.

Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. “All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters,” she pointed out. “Obviously, they could afford it.”

Ms. Sanders also argued that “it proves that Bernie is the ‘family values’ candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as Bernie has shows he understands the importance of ensuring a good life for his dependents. If he is elected president everyone American will become a member of his national family. Is there any doubt that he wouldn’t see to their needs? And with the entire wealth of the country at his disposal voters can look forward to receiving a fairer share than they have been getting so far.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.