By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While at odds over whether the state or the city should get to expropriate citizens’ wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that “there is no place in the state for ‘conservative extremists.’”

The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be “not who New Yorkers are,” include “opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today’s world.”

“These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil disagreement and create a schism that endangers the very fabric of society,” Cuomo contended. “It would be best if those holding unacceptable political positions were to remove themselves from the state before something awful happens.”

“We all understand there’s a right to free speech,” de Blasio said. “But the Governor is right. As chief executives of our respective jurisdictions we have a duty to protect citizens from having to listen to ‘hateful words.’ Those who characterize abortion as ‘infanticide’ hurt the feelings of the millions of New Yorkers who support this therapy for unwanted pregnancies. The fact that many who make such a characterization also support private ownership of firearms poses a threat to New Yorkers’ values that government has an obligation to suppress.”

Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves

When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option.

“I’m sorry you were raped,” the president told Kimberly Corban, “but fortunately you weren’t killed. Most rape victims are not killed If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter alive and without life-threatening injuries. I call that a ‘win-win’ outcome compared to what might have happened if you had pulled a gun to try to prevent the rape.”

Corban, who has struggled with depression, PTSD and stress-related seizures since she was raped was neither persuaded nor mollified by the President’s response or his reasoning. “The restrictions President Obama is adding make it harder for me to own a gun or harder for me to take that where I need to be is actually just making my kids and I less safe,” she asserted. “His fear that I might accidentally shoot myself or, as he put it, ‘unjustly impose a death penalty on my attacker’ conveys a total lack of sympathy or understanding.”

In related news, MSNBC decided not to do an interview with Juanita Broaddrick, a woman who says Bill Clinton raped her in 1978, “because, as it turns out it’s just old news. The alleged rape took place nearly 40 years ago. The statute of limitations expired long ago,” said network spokesman Moe Lester. “Even though it is candidate Hillary Clinton’s position that ‘every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported,’ we do not believe the current campaign should be diverted from more pressing issues by listening to an aged rape victim’s accusations.”

German Government Urges Non-Muslims to Stay off Streets “for Own Safety”

The German government’s inability to cope with the flood of refugees Chancellor Angela Merkel invited into the country took an even more distressing turn when all non-Muslims were urged to stay off the streets for their own safety. Reports that police have been ordered not to interfere with unruly mobs of Muslim men out of fear that arresting these lawbreakers would be perceived as “racist” has left citizens and police uneasy.

“We thought we were letting in women and orphans as a humanitarian gesture, but 95 percent of the refugees appear to be footloose young men with no manners and no respect for the law,” complained a frightened Berliner. “It’s the worst things have been in Germany been since Soviet troops ravaged our cities and our women in 1945.”

Frustrated police claim they are under pressure to falsify reports in order to make crimes seem less serious. “One refugee tried to cut another’s throat,” an officer requesting anonymity explained. “Normally, we’d write this up as ‘attempted murder.’ But the higher-ups told us to classify this as ‘a minor scuffle with slight injuries.’ Our basic rule of thumb is it’s better to just let the perps run away.”

Dept of Health and Human Services Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps

Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370 percent. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as “great progress on the President’s goal of transforming America,” by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.”

One of the favorite “higher goals” of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers and spend about $111 per month on the habit.

Unfazed by the food subsidy’s enabling recipients to indulge in unhealthy behavior, Burwell boasted that “we also have a vigorous anti-smoking educational campaign to try to offset this unfortunate byproduct of what everyone recognizes as an essential humanitarian undertaking. And if our education efforts fail, fiscal hawks ought to appreciate the budgetary advantages of earlier mortality among those who do smoke.”

Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group

Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that “CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses.”

The suit alleged irreparable harm including “loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos’ portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel.”

Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled the suit “an attempt to intimidate Planned Parenthood’s critics. Most of America was appalled to learn of the crass and cruel practices going on at Planned Parenthood. Most of America is opposed to forcing taxpayers to subsidize the human sacrifice taking place behind closed doors of this manager of abattoirs for the most helpless of our species.”

Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America argued that “regardless of whether the activities disclosed in the videos is criminal, there is a proper procedure for going forward. That procedure requires that a warrant be obtained before any taping is done. This procedure protects the rights of mafia racketeers and it also protects the private dealings of Planned Parenthood. The so-called evidence obtained by CMP was not undertaken after a judge-approved warrant. It is, therefore ‘fruit from the tainted tree’ and inadmissible as evidence of any wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood. At the same time, it is irrefutable proof that CMP has grossly invaded Planned Parenthood’s privacy.”

The suit demands that “all of CMP’s videos be erased, all its assets be seized and confiscated, and that all the principals at CMP be punished to the maximum extent permitted by law.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton vowed to make abortions free if she is elected president later this year. “Rich people who can afford to pay can have all the abortions they want,” Clinton pointed out. “Poor people shouldn’t have fewer rights just because they can’t afford to pay for their abortions. It is government’s obligation to ensure equal rights for all. I will guarantee that abortion is a right that no one has to pay for when I’m president.”

Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He’s Promising

Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that “it would spoil the surprise.”

“Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?” Sanders wanted to know. “On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I’m going to ask to bear the expense may try to move their property out of my reach.”

The candidate contended that “it should be enough for voters to know that I will be taking from those who have more than they should in order to give to those who have less than they should. People should have faith that their government can be trusted to do the right thing. I am the candidate who will restore that faith.”

Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that “Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration.

“Will they fund terrorist cells?” Pelosi asked. “Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to make a deal with the devil,” she added. “For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land in Czechoslovakia was ceded to Germany. Did Germany do bad things to the people living in this land? Yes, but the deal bought almost a year’s worth of peace before the start of World War II. In the Iran deal we’re buying ten year’s worth of peace at the risk of a few thousand casualties. It’s clear to me that we’re making a good purchase.”

Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly

Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on “the GOP’s selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda.”

It is difficult to grasp the president’s logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President’s budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration’s regulatory initiatives or executive actions.

“The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they refused to silence their party’s extremists who continually railed against what they called tyranny,” Obama complained. “This undermined the faith of the people in their government and bred a fatal skepticism that questioned the wisdom of an expansive, humane, and nurturing state.”

The president acknowledged that “I didn’t exploit all of my options to the fullest extent. We let the IRS intimidate conservative opponents of my agenda, but we could’ve gone further. The FBI has a rich lode of embarrassing information that we did not use as assiduously as we might have. And there were options that I, as Commander-in-Chief could have ordered our military to carry out against these domestic enemies.”

In related news, Obama vowed he would veto legislation introduced by House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) that would reduce presidential pensions for those making more than $400,000 per year after leaving office. “Cutting my pension based on the premise that the millions I expect to earn from books and speeches means I don’t need the money is unfair,” Obama complained. “I earned that pension from eight years of selfless public service. It is not the government’s role to supplant the rewards I’m owed for my effort by redistributing public funds due me based on someone else’s arbitrary notion about what I don’t need. That’s socialism. I won’t stand for it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

On New Year’s Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that “there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved.”

Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city’s police’s inability to intervene as “a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral women are out in public in the state of undress that we have become accustomed to tolerating in our society. Fondling such women, raping them, and robbing them is permitted or possibly even commanded by the Quran and other Islamic scriptures.”

“Rather than try to coerce these immigrants into abiding by our values it seems more prudent that we take the steps necessary to avoid these kinds of incidents in the future,” Reker advised. “At a minimum, German women could do a better job of covering themselves when out in public. Better still, women should never venture out without being accompanied by a male protector—a husband, father, or brother. If we simply take these few sensible precautions we can learn to live in peace with our new neighbors.”

Ralf Jaeger, German interior minister for North Rhine-Westphalia, decried German anger over the assaults as “incendiary rhetoric that can only magnify the cultural differences between ethnic Germans and recent immigrants.” Jaeger called on the media “to suppress the kind of hate speech that targets the beliefs and behaviors that are out-of-step with traditional German norms. As uncomfortable as it may be, we must learn to live in a world of diversity. Embracing and celebrating this diversity is the more progressive stance.”

In related news, the Ottawa, Canada Children’s Choir welcomed refugees by singing Islamic prayer Tala’ al-Badru ‘Alayna during a holiday concert. The song praises the slaughter of Jewish and Christian men and the raping of Jewish and Christian women by Muslims as “the path to paradise for true believers.” Choir director Robert Filion urged that “we look beyond the specific words, bad as they might be, and accept the choir’s performance as an effort to foster diversity and cultural inclusion.”

Dem Calls Congress’ Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood “Un-Christian”

Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as “profoundly un-Christian.”

“The objection that the President’s health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers,” Cohen maintained. “First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren’t Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn’t say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary.”

“Second, even if we were to accept the premise that aborting babies was a crime, did not Jesus command his followers to ‘turn the other cheek?’” Cohen remembered. “As I understand it, it is not a Christian’s place to strike back at those who smite the pre-born. It is his religious obligation to forgive his enemies.”

Cohen did take comfort from the assurance that “this sacrilegious affront from GOP lawmakers who profess to be Christians will be stricken down by the righteous hand of President Obama.”

In related news, the Obama Administration asked the US Supreme Court to invalidate a Texas statute requiring that abortion facilities in the state meet minimal medical standards. U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli, Jr. asserted that “insisting that abortion clinics meet hospital-like ambulatory surgical center standards and that doctors working in the clinics have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles is unduly burdensome. The purpose of an abortion is to end a life. Doctors should not be forced to abide by the same sanitary procedures mandated for surgeries intended to save a life. If women choose to freely accept the risks, the state has no call to compel safety frills that will add unnecessary costs to the abortion procedures.”

Hillary Campaign Calls Classification Rules “Dumb”

A revelation from the latest batch of emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured private server indicating that she explicitly instructed a subordinate to bypass classification regulations was brushed off as “a phony scandal” by her campaign.

Campaign Manager Robbie Mook admitted that “by all appearances this would seem a violation of the rules. However, if we closely examine the circumstances we can see in this instance, following the rules would’ve been just dumb.”

“Look, the issue was the transmission of the ‘talking points’ for Secretary Clinton to use in promulgating the false cover story blaming the video for the Benghazi incident,” Mook pointed out. “The notion that transmitting a fictional description of actual events could somehow endanger national security is ridiculous.”

“Secretary Clinton made the same kind of executive decision to ignore inappropriate and nonsensical rules that President Obama has made on numerous occasions,” Mook contended. “She should not be pilloried for following the example set by the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.”

Mook similarly dismissed rumors that Mrs. Clinton could face charges of improper disclosure or retention of classified information, destruction of government records, lying to federal agents, lying under oath, and obstruction of justice, calling the alleged actions “a normal part of the governing process. Lying has long been a key tool of the art of diplomacy. As the nation’s chief diplomat, Secretary Clinton cannot have been expected to abstain from using this tool to protect the government’s policies from unwanted criticism.”

In related news, Mook also declined the challenge from Charles Woods—father of Tyrone Woods—for Clinton to take a lie detector test to determine who is telling the truth about what was said when Clinton met with the Benghazi victims’ families shortly after the September 2012 attack. “Mr. Woods has already had his 15 minutes of fame,” Mook said. “We see no need to extend those minutes by allowing this pathetic attention-seeking nobody to parasitically attach himself to deserved renown earned by Mrs. Clinton over decades of public service. Besides, there’s no point to it. Lie detector tests aren’t admissible in court.”

Tearful Obama Enacts More Gun Controls

Determined not to let an uncooperative Congress impede necessary gun controls, a teary President Obama announced a new round of executive legislation aimed at reducing gun violence. While his actions lack Constitutional or statutory authority, the President claimed to be “taking the moral high ground” and alleged that “90% of Americans agree with me.”

The gist of the President’s initiative is to “gum up the works as much as possible in order to make the acquisition of a gun a lengthy, tedious, and frustrating undertaking. Even if all we accomplish is to prevent one person from obtaining a firearm that they otherwise would have we will have succeeded in making the country safer.”

Whether Obama’s prescription would really make the country safer was called into question by a report just published by the Crime Prevention Research Center. This report concludes that “despite the frequent calls for expanded background checks after mass public shootings, there is no evidence that background checks on private transfers of guns would have prevented any of the attacks that have taken place since at least 2000 and that there is no statistical evidence that proves the mass public shootings are rarer in states with background checks on private transfers.”

The president characterized the report as “out of line with my thinking and beliefs” and discounted the possibility that more weapons in the hands of law-abiding citizens could actually reduce carnage. “If only the criminal has a gun maybe no one gets shot if the victim doesn’t resist,” he reasoned. “But if both the criminal and victim have guns two people could get shot. Anyway I look at it, this is a worse outcome.”

In support of his action, Obama cited “the remarkable success China has achieved by keeping guns out of the hands of private citizens” and contended that “it seems to me that this is a model we should emulate.”

Sanders’ Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use

According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders’s spouse Jane O’Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders’s House campaigns between 2000 and 2004.

Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. “All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters,” she pointed out. “Obviously, they could afford it.”

Ms. Sanders also argued that “it proves that Bernie is the ‘family values’ candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as Bernie has shows he understands the importance of ensuring a good life for his dependents. If he is elected president everyone American will become a member of his national family. Is there any doubt that he wouldn’t see to their needs? And with the entire wealth of the country at his disposal voters can look forward to receiving a fairer share than they have been getting so far.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.