Obama Calls His Management of the U.S. Economy ‘Best in Human History’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDespite declines in labor force participation, family income and home ownership juxtaposed to increases in poverty, debt, and health care costs, President Obama maintains that his Administration “probably managed the American economy better than any large economy on Earth in human history.”

The president lambasted critics who cite GDP statistics that show Obama to be the only president that has failed to deliver even a single year of 3 percent growth—making his the worst performing administration since Herbert Hoover’s during the early years of the Great Depression. “Growth and prosperity aren’t the only metrics by which we should judge what has transpired,” Obama argued. “Under my policies millions of Americans have been able to escape the rat race of wage-slavery and enjoy massive amounts of leisure time. Not since Lincoln have so many been liberated.”

Obama singled out the movie The Big Short for special criticism calling its portrayal of the collapse of bad real estate loans “one sided. The narrow focus on the inability of lenders to make payments on their loans overlooks the fact that it was government pressure on the banks that enabled poor credit risks to join the ranks of home owners, if albeit only temporarily. Isn’t it better to have owned and lost than never to have owned at all?”

The real problem is that the banking reforms put in place by the Clinton Administration didn’t go far enough,” Obama contended. “If we had just taken that next logical step of eliminating the necessity to repay those mortgage loans we could have averted the foreclosure crisis that tipped the economy into recession in 2008.”

Denmark Plagued by Migrant Crime Wave

The generosity of Danes opening their borders to immigrants from Muslim countries has been repaid by an astounding surge in crimes committed by these foreigners. Though these foreigners make up only 8% of the country’s population they account for over 75% of the crimes committed and over 80% of those drawing unemployment benefits from the government.

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has frequently offered up Denmark as an exemplar of the kind of social policies we ought to adopt in the United States, professed himself “not the least bit disturbed by these results. Compared to the places these immigrants came from, Denmark is a very rich country. The redistribution of Danish wealth, whether by informal appropriation via theft or though the more organized method of taxation and funding of welfare benefits brings that country closer to the ideal of social justice.”

No one who has more than they need has the moral right to withhold that excess from others who have less,” Sanders maintained. “Of course it is preferable that government oversee the transfer of material goods from the haves to the have-nots, but we mustn’t be too harsh on those who grow impatient waiting for government to do the right thing and take action on their own.”

In related news, anti-Trump Latinos shouting “make America Mexico again” went on a violent rampage bloodying Trump supporters and smashing car windows following the GOP candidate’s rally in Costa Mesa, California this week. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton blamed Trump “for creating the environment that inspires the desperate and dispossessed to resort to violence to achieve their objectives” and vowed to end the violence “by showing them that when I am president government will be on their side.”

EPA Refuses to Pay Damages for Its Toxic Spill

Colorado Republicans blasted the EPA after an agency official refused to cover the full cost of damages done by the EPA’s release of toxic sludge from the Gold King Mine last August contaminated water supplies in Colorado and New Mexico after spreading from the Animas River to the San Juan River.

EPA official Bill Murray explained that “people need to understand that when we took responsibility for the spill we were making a moral statement, not agreeing to compensate anyone for any injuries suffered. The government has ‘sovereign immunity’ and cannot be held liable without its consent. Obviously, we are not consenting to the demands of those who have been harmed by our actions.”

Sen. Cory Gardner (R-Colo) characterized Murray’s stance as “outrageous” and “another example of the Washington double standard. If a private firm or individual had been responsible for a spill of this magnitude the EPA would be coming down hard on them and demanding they make restitution to the victims of their negligence.”

Murray countered by insisting that “the double standard is fully justified by the different motivations of private parties and the government. Private parties are out for profit. Imposing substantial monetary penalties on them is a useful and necessary corrective to their selfish behaviors. Government, on the other hand, is non-profit. Its concern is with the general welfare. Consequently, there is no need for financial penalties to be used in order to get government to do the right thing. It will do this on its own.”

In related news, the EPA defied a Supreme Court stay against the agency’s global warming Clean Power Plan (CPP). EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy asserted that “the Court’s ruling is merely a legal opinion. The President has a different opinion. Under our Constitution’s separation of powers he believes he is not obligated to submit to subjugation by either of the other two branches of our government. He will not willingly submit and there is no mechanism for the Court compel him to do so.”

Hillary Floats Pair of Controversial Ideas

In a bid to solidify her leftist credentials, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton floated a couple of ridiculous ideas about how this country will improve when she is president.

On the urban violence front, Clinton proposes to “reset” the relationship between police and street gangs. “The knee jerk attitude of the average American toward urban gangs is that they are a bad thing,” she observed. “What they overlook is that joining a gang is like having a family. It’s feeling like you’re part of something bigger than yourself. I think this is a positive thing. Another positive is that the youngsters learn valuable lessons like loyalty and how to handle weapons.”

The problem is that these gangs operate outside of the law,” she continued. “We need to find a way of bringing them under the umbrella of the government’s authorized use of force if society is to capitalize on the skills these young people have learned as gang members. I believe President Obama’s idea of establishing a national police force would offer these otherwise outlaws an alternate path within the context of our social justice objectives.”

On the domestic violence front, Clinton proposes “to expand upon the great strides President Obama has made in changing attitudes towards abortion. Ensuring that all heath insurance must cover abortions has compelled everyone to bear the burden of funding this vital human right. Nevertheless, many still voice opinions criticizing the practice. Women are subjected to the torment of being emotionally traumatized by the fear that fellow citizens may disapprove of their choice. We need to turn this around so every woman can feel pride in her decision to exterminate an unwanted fetus in her body. Perhaps a presidential medal that could be given on an annual basis to the woman who makes the most courageous decision for abortion would help change how abortion is perceived in the minds of the average person.”

Trump Foreign Policy Speech Alarms Allies

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s emphasis that the guiding principle for foreign policy under his administration will be “America first” has made some of our European allies nervous.

Germany’s foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier characterized Trump’s stance as “arrogant and selfish. To put America first is offensive to my ears. He is denying our equality and our right to participate in determining what America must do to protect all of our mutual interests. If this kind of self-centered viewpoint had prevailed in an earlier era my country and perhaps all of western Europe would today be run by fascists or communists.”

Carl Bildt, a former Swedish prime minister and foreign minister concurred. “Trump is disrespecting democratic processes and democratic values,” Bildt charged. “He makes no provision for our vote. Becoming America’s president won’t make him king. He would not have the prerogative to shrug off the obligations the United States has assumed and on which the rest of the free world has depended for three-quarters of a century without our acquiescence.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron said “Trump’s demand that we be required to fund a minimum share of the cost of our defense is unprecedented. This is not how things have been done for more than seven decades. We haven’t budgeted for the kind of outlays this would entail. We can’t afford it.”

German Vice Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel suggested that “our only viable option might be to call a President Trump’s bluff. If we look like we’ll be overrun by communists, fascists, or Islamists the United States would have to come to our rescue. Otherwise they’d be left alone to face an entire world hostile to their own survival.”

In related news, President Obama praised Germany’s “open door” policy on refugees from the Middle East, saying “it has set an example that others should follow. If the various different ethnic and religious peoples were more uniformly dispersed around the globe the incentives for nations to fight one another would be diminished.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Virginia Governor Enfranchises Felons

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSaying he is tired of waiting for the legislature to take action, Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) issued an executive order restoring voting rights to convicted felons. The move is expected to add more than 200,000 Democrats to the state’s voter rolls.

Ours is a government of, by, and for the people,” McAuliffe said. “This means all the people. For better or for worse, criminals are part of society. As members of society they are entitled to the human right to vote, to choose who will represent their interests in the halls of government.”

The Governor brushed aside Republican objections, calling them “politically motivated. Granted, attorneys for former Gov. Kaine (D) advised that the type of action I’m taking would constitute a ‘troubling rewrite of state law and the constitution.’ But I got my own attorneys and they assure me that there is no limit to my authority to correct what I perceive as injustices.”

On top of the issue of justice is the very practical concern that the votes of these felons could very well make the difference between whether a Democrat or a Republican takes the state’s electoral votes in this November’s election for president,” McAuliffe pointed out. “I cannot sit idly by when there is so much at stake.”

McAuliffe professed himself unfazed by GOP gubernatorial hopeful Ed Gillespie’s charge that “this sweeping action benefiting convicted rapists, murderers and child molesters is a reckless abuse of executive power.” “Sweeping action is what the voters of this state elected me to do. If the enfranchisement of 200,000 more Democratic voters also makes it tougher on Mr. Gillespie’s political aspirations so much the better.”

In related news, McAuliffe mentor Hillary Clinton told Connecticut Democrats that she would “spend every single minute of every day to change the gun culture in America” and promised “to take executive action to amend the Second Amendment to keep guns out of the hands of those who oppose progressive values.”

Dem Operative Says “Hillary Will Be Elected Even If She’s in Jail”

Long-time Democratic insider, and current CNN political correspondent, Bob Beckel predicted that “Hillary will be elected president even if she’s in jail on election day. The American people don’t care about emails or computer security. Their expectations are that those they elect to lead them will rise above a literal compliance with the law in order to more effectively wield the power that is necessary to govern the nation.”

Beckel discounted the possibility that Clinton’s legal troubles would pose any impediments to her assumption of the presidency. “I’d say that by winning in November she will have been effectively ‘pardoned’ for any and all crimes by the voters,” he contended. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if, at that point, President Obama were to officially pardon her. Failing that, she could always pardon herself as she would be entitled to do as president under Article II of the US Constitution.”

Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook confirmed Beckel’s take, saying “this election will be all about trust. Who will voters trust to govern them? A billionaire businessman with no government experience? Or a woman who has occupied high positions within government over the past two decades, where she has demonstrated a nimbleness and agility to outfox every attack against her from her political foes? We see that as a ‘no brainer’ of a decision and are confident of victory in November.”

Illegal Aliens Have “Lawful Presence” Says Solicitor General

The lawless Obama Administration’s Solicitor General Donald Verrilli told the Supreme Court that “persons in the United States illegally may be granted a ‘lawful presence’ at the discretion of the President. As the nation’s legal sovereign his word is law and supersedes the legal constraints imposed by statute or the Constitution” and urged the Justices to reject the lawsuit being pressed by 26 states “because they are relying on an out-dated conception of the powers of government.”

Rather than inventing a new executive power not contemplated by the framers of the Constitution, why doesn’t the President just utilize the power to pardon lawbreakers given to him under Article II?” Chief Justice John Roberts asked.

A simple pardon would attenuate the President’s control over the affected group,” Verrilli replied. “The ‘lawful presence’ concept allows the President to tolerate or not tolerate the presence of this group at his option. It’s a way of ensuring that the affected individuals will conduct themselves in the manner that the President finds acceptable. It gives the President leverage over them. A pardoned individual is free to behave in any manner he chooses. The President’s ability to influence such individuals would be significantly impeded.”

California Bill Would Effectively Ban All Gun Dealers

Assembly Bill 2459, sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin McCarty (D-Sacramento) would institute such draconian regulations on firearms vendors that most, perhaps all, would be driven out of business. This is okay by McCarty, though, because “it would draw a distinct line between the duly authorized and armed police and the outlaws who possess guns.”

Let’s say that all legitimate gun dealers shutdown,” McCarty speculated. “There would be no legal way for a law-abiding citizen to obtain a firearm. The only available source would be an illegal street purchase. In one fell swoop, my bill would convert everyone with a gun into a criminal. The job of law enforcement would be simple and straight forward—everyone else with a gun would be a criminal.”

The ambiguities of guns fired in so-called self-defense would be eliminated,” the Assemblyman argued. “The law-abiding and innocent would be disarmed. Police could enter any fray with the confidence of knowing that anyone firing a weapon is a criminal. The hesitations created by uncertainty regarding whether a person is legally engaged in self-defense would be cast aside. Anyone with a gun would be a legitimate target for officers. Fewer police would get shot while trying to figure out who the bad guys are—it would be everyone with a gun.”

McCarty admitted that his bill “will not immediately remove firearms from those who already own them,” but hoped that “by explaining the new rules of engagement to our law-abiding members of society they will voluntarily give up their weapons so as not to be targeted by police in any incidents going forward.”

In related news, both Democratic contenders for president voiced support for a policy of suing gun manufacturers for crimes committed by persons wielding their firearms. “If every shooting victim or his surviving heirs can win millions from gun-manufacturers it would become financially ruinous for them to stay in business,” Hillary Clinton boasted. “We could render the Second Amendment defunct just like the parts of the original Constitution dealing with slavery were rendered defunct by the Civil War.”

Obama Threats to Veto 9/11 Bill

Legislation that would declassify a portion of the 9/11 Commission report on the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001 “will be vetoed by the President” said Press Secretary Josh Earnest “because it would disclose that government officers in Saudi Arabia provided the ‘seed money’ for al-Qaeda and, thus, do irreparable damage to the relationship between our two countries.”

While there is no evidence that aiding al-Qaeda was the official policy of the Saudi government there is evidence that lower ranking government officials may have been involved,” Earnest admitted. “Should the Saudi government have done a better job of controlling its own employees? Perhaps, but that’s all water under the bridge at this point. What’s done is done. Exposing such a sensitive matter now would be a gross invasion into Saudi Arabia’s internal affairs.”

Deputy national security adviser Ben Rhodes acknowledged that “there was, certainly, at least kind of an insufficient attention to where all this money was going over many years from the government apparatus. But should we really be the ones casting stones? All kinds of money flows from our government to dubious, sinister and wasteful purposes. So, we are not without sin on such matters. The President feels that ‘forgive and forget’ may be our best option going forward.”

Obama Inadvertently Boosts Brexit Movement

President Obama’s pledge “to never set foot in the UK again if that country’s voters decide to leave the European Union” appears to have bolstered the movement pushing for that objective.

Independence Party leader Nigel Farage said “this threat from the odious Mr. Obama is a shot-in-the-arm to our efforts to extricate our country from the bureaucratic tyranny that the EU has become. It’s like a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer. Not only will the people of the United Kingdom get to disentangle ourselves from the EU’s continental fops, we will also, apparently, see the last of America’s premier self-righteous prig.”

Obama’s National Security Adviser Susan Rice called Farage’s remarks “daring and dangerous. He’s overlooking the fact that President Obama controls the world strongest military force—a force that could easily crush the United Kingdom in a matter of weeks if he gave the order.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron, a proponent of the UK’s continued membership in the EU, thanked Ambassador Rice “for helping to clarify the stakes in this important referendum.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sanders Says Unemployment a ‘Viable Weapon in War against Global Warming’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn Thursday’s debate, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) wowed the Party faithful by promising that “economic dislocation and job losses will necessarily be part of our strategy to combat global climate change. The demise of any business or any individual, for that matter, must be a price we’re willing to pay to save the planet.”

Our addiction to prosperity must end,” Sanders demanded. “Most of humanity around the globe lives without the conveniences to which Americans have become accustomed. How can we justify luxuries like air conditioning, cable television, and private automobiles when the cost of these items is environmental destruction?”

Sanders vowed to “totally destroy the fossil fuel industry and return this country to the simpler and more frugal lifestyle of an earlier, pre-industrial era. Instead of burning coal or gas to heat our homes in winter, families can huddle together and use body heat for warmth. And if we abolish laws against public nudity in the summer we can let our bodies be air-cooled.”

The Senator also pointed out that “public nudity would ease concerns that voyeurs would invade the showers and restrooms of members of the opposite gender for illicit purposes. There would be no need for a pervert to feign a transgender identity to peep at women.”

Jobs are just a means to an end,” Sanders reminded. “If we can dial back our obsession with material comforts we may come to realize that unemployment is often a blessing. The gains in leisure time are immense. With the government providing subsistence for all, each individual can rise to pursue a higher purpose than he or she has been able to under a capitalist system that forces so many into wage-slavery.”

In related news, Oregon Federal District Court Magistrate, Judge Thomas Coffin ruled that “children have standing to sue the government for failure to take sufficient action to prevent climate change. Nominally, the power to take action is vested in elected representatives. However, children are currently disenfranchised. Since today’s children will bear the brunt of any long term consequences of inaction, it is the Court’s obligation to remedy this defect in the system. If they can persuasively make the case for remedial measures the Court will order the government to implement such measures.”

Reid Wishes Senate Seat Were a “Lifetime Gig”

Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said “I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome.”

Reid opined that “pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn’t the voice of one man easier to hear and heed than the millions of voices emanating from the general population? We back the top guy and we get our piece of the pie. It’s a clear quid pro quo. Trying to please the general public is far more complex. Some of their demands are mutually exclusive. Pleasing one inevitably infuriates others. It’s a no-win proposition.”

It’s my fantasy that President Obama would issue an Executive Order converting all senate seats to lifetime tenures,” Reid dreamed. “That would be ideal, but I fear it won’t happen while I’m alive. Maybe if there’s some sort of national crisis like an ISIS attack within the United States the conditions might be right for a ‘freeze-in-place’ directive extending the terms of all current officeholders until further notice. But I wonder if ISIS is daring enough to initiate the required threat to make this happen.”

Whether ISIS cares enough about Reid’s dream was thrown into doubt as the terrorist group announced this week that “wiping out” all of India’s Hindus—all one billion of them—is higher on their list of priorities for implementing its plan of global conquest.

Bi-Partisan Anti-Encryption Bill in the Works

Senators Richard Burr (R-NC) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) have introduced a draft bill that would effectively bar any private parties from owning encrypted phones, computers, or other devices that are not accessible to government surveillance.

Burr emphasized “the important law enforcement objectives we are attempting to protect through this legislation. Criminals must not be allowed to hide their nefarious schemes from duly appointed police authorities. We cannot protect the general public if police are hampered by the inability to pierce any communication between criminal co-conspirators.”

Partnering-sponsor Feinstein alleged that “there is no legitimate need for anyone to insist upon privacy from government oversight. People not engaged in criminal activity have nothing to fear from government listening in on their conversations or reading their communications. Ours is a government of, by, and for the people. It is inconceivable that any honest person would object to sharing whatever they have to say with the government. Enemies of law, enemies of order, enemies of our democratically elected government must not be permitted to hide behind the Fourth Amendment as they work against our interests.”

Germany Outlaws Sausages and Sexy Females in Ads

In a move authorities hope will reduce the frequency of sexual assault by Muslim immigrants, the portrayal of sausages and “scantily clad” women (i.e., those without headscarves) in advertisements will be banned.

German Justice Minister Heiko Maas said “the action is a common sense measure designed to protect our citizens from rape and molestation by those from a different culture. In interrogation after interrogation, offenders from Asia and Africa have professed themselves to be irresistibly driven to attack women shortly after viewing ads in which ‘uncovered women’ or ‘uncovered sausages’ have been shown. Rather than futilely expecting immigrants to adapt to our norms, we deem it prudent to ban the instigating images.”

Chancellor Angela Merkel characterized the measure as “a comprise between a rigid devotion to an oppressive policy of imposing German values on our foreign residents and a total implementation of sharia law. The surest way for women to avoid sexual assault is to not go out in public alone or inadequately garbed. Compared to this severe tactic, eliminating the visual stimulation of sausages and bare-faced females from our advertising spaces is relatively liberal and minimally constraining.”

Merkel categorically rejected arguments that “Germany shouldn’t have to bow to alien perceptions. How can we teach liberal values if we don’t show tolerance for the values of our foreign-born inhabitants? If we remove some of the provocations maybe the rapes will ease up. As the more civilized society isn’t it our duty to offer the first concession? Perhaps our generosity will inspire an in-kind response.”

In related news, 26-year-old Syrian refugee Iman Ashat set fire to a Sponsheim district hotel because “these German kafirs are disrespecting my superior status by providing substandard accommodations. Allah has said in the Quran that unbelievers must serve the umma.” Ashat has been living in the hotel at government expense since he arrived. “It’s deficiency,” according to him, “is that it’s just a single room. Others at this hotel have suites and they’re not even Muslim. This injustice is intolerable.”

Study Shows Government Less Cyber Secure

A study released by Security Scorecard found that all levels of government had a worse record of cyber security than major business firms. In measures of vulnerability to malware and security breaches, federal, state, and local governments ranked at the bottom. Education, telecommunications and pharmaceutical industries were almost as bad. Information services, construction, food and technology were the best.

Of the 600 government entities tracked, NASA performed the worst. Other low-performing government organizations included the U.S. Department of State. This latter revelation was jumped on by the Hillary Clinton for President campaign as “a total vindication of Secretary Clinton’s decision to flout State Department rules and conduct her business on a private computer system housed in a bathroom closet in Colorado.”

Rather than being hounded for going outside of the federal government’s procedures, Secretary Clinton should be hailed for heroically taking extralegal action to divert her communications to what research now shows was likely a more secure option,” said campaign manager Robbie Mook. “The question is, do voters want a president who will slavishly follow the law? Or do they want someone who is willing to go above and beyond the law when circumstances warrant it?”

President Obama expressed his “hope that this latest revelation will put an end to the pointless probe of Secretary Clinton’s email activities. As reckless as her behavior may seem on a proforma basis, the odds are that her communications would have been even less secure on a so-called ‘secure’ government computer system. She shouldn’t be punished for presciently opting out of an inferior system. I agree with Mr. Mook, genius must not be confined within the legal parameters designed for ordinary people. If the GOP and the FBI will not drop their persecution for this very good reason I will give them another: I will fully and unconditionally pardon Secretary Clinton for any and all crimes she may have committed while serving her country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Our First Arizona Congressional Endorsement Goes to …

There’s a crowd running for the Congressional seat of the retiring U.S. Representative Matt Salmon. A large crowd.

Among those listed on the Politics1 website are:

Andy Biggs (R) – State Senate President, Ex-State Rep. & Attorney
Alex Finter (R) – Mesa City Councilman, Ex-Mesa Mayor, Businessman & Retired Firefighter

Christine Jones (R) – Attorney, Ex-Internet Executive & ’14 Gov. Candidate
Bryan Martyn (R) – Ex-State Parks Dir., Ex-Pinal County Supervisor & Iraq/Afghan War Veteran
Justin Olsen (R) – State Rep., Tax Analyst & Ex-Congressional Aide

Russell Pearce (R) – Ex-State Senate President, Ex-State Rep., Retired Police Officer & National Guard Veteran
Bob Robson (R) – State Rep., Ex-Chandler City Councilman & Insurance Agent
Scott Smith (R) – Ex-Mesa Mayor, Businessman & ’14 Gov. Candidate

Don Stapley (R) – Ex-Maricopa County Supervisor & Marketing Consultant

Jay Tibshraeny (R) – Chandler Mayor, Ex-State Sen. & Ex-Chandler City Councilman
Kelly Townsend (R) – State Rep., Businesswoman & Navy Veteran
Stephen Viramontes (R) – Businessman
Bob Worsley (R) – State Sen. & Ex-SkyMall CEO

At this early point, we must endorse State Senate President. He’s a fine man and will represent everyone in the district well. There are other deserving candidates, but we can only endorse one.

Army Chief Opposes Private Weapons for Troops

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn testimony before a congressional committee investigating the murders of military personnel at military facilities, Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley told Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) that he was opposed to letting troops carry personal weapons to defend themselves.

Let me assure Congress that our higher ranking officers are well protected by the existing procedures,” the General said. “Base commanders have a contingent of armed guards between themselves and any potential assailant. I am confident that no intruders could get to them without themselves being shot.”

What about lower ranking soldiers?” Lee asked. “They don’t have guards assigned to them. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to carry their own handguns for self-defense?”

Well, there’s a danger that these personal weapons would be inappropriately used,” Milley replied. “Do we really want troops to make the decision to discharge their weapons before being give the order to do so by a commanding officer? Can we afford to break this link in the chain of command just to save a few lives in the lower ranks? Asking a handful of soldiers to sacrifice themselves in order to keep their superiors safer better prioritizes the human assets we have at our disposal.”

In 2009, the procedures with which General Milley is satisfied allowed an armed gunman to kill 13 and wound 32 others in the eight minutes before the Ford Hood base police shot the assailant. Nevertheless, Milley insisted that “I am not convinced from what I know that carrying privately owned weapons would have stopped that individual. Clearly, the base’s command structure was never seriously threatened. So, I’d have to say that what we are doing is working as it was designed to do.”

Cal AG Justifies Raid

California State Attorney General Kamala Harris (D) justified her office’s raid on the home of pro-life activist David Daleiden this week, contending that “the actions of Mr. Daleiden constitute a clear and present danger to the State and the values we are trying to protect.”

Daleiden was instrumental in the acquisition and airing of undercover videos of Planned Parenthood officers and employees engaged in illegal trafficking of human organs harvested from aborted fetuses. Harris has declined to initiate an investigation of this illegal trafficking because “the evidence gathered by Mr. Daleiden was obtained through surreptitious methods. An invasion of privacy cannot serve as the foundation of a prosecution regardless of the alleged heinous nature of the activities spied upon.”

The AG also rebuffed charges of abuse of authority, saying that “my pursuit of a case against Mr. Daleiden upholds the mutual respect between the State and those organizations, like Planned Parenthood, who contribute to the cause of good government. Their investment in the success of my candidacy for my current office and my quest for the U.S. Senate entitles them to a rigorous effort against detractors like Mr Daleiden.”

As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pointed out earlier this week, the unborn person that Mr. Daleiden and his ilk seek to champion has no Constitutional rights,” Harris said. “In contrast, the Planned Parenthood people that were duped into incriminating themselves by Mr. Daleiden do have Constitutional rights. Deciding which side to come down on in this case was not a hard choice.”

In related news, the Obama Administration warned Florida against defunding Planned Parenthood. Marissa Padilla, spokeswoman for the U.S. Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, told Gov. Rick Scott (R) that “defying President Obama on this issue would not be prudent. Planned Parenthood is a major force in the implementation of the Roe vs. Wade decision. Using the excuse that the organization has engaged in the illegal sale of baby parts will not protect the state from consequences at the President’s discretion. The question is whether Gov. Scott wants to risk losing federal dollars that might otherwise be headed his way.”

Bill Clinton Clashes with “Black Lives Matter”

After being mercilessly heckled by agitators from the group “Black Lives Matter,” former President Bill Clinton accused them of “defending murderers and drug dealers.” The BLM protesters objected to the former president’s support for 1994’s Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, which they contend disproportionately penalizes minorities.

Clinton’s argument that “this law puts blacks who prey upon other blacks, who kill other blacks behind bars and saves the lives of countless would-be black victims. Those attacking this law can’t really pose as advocates for black lives. They are advocates for criminals.”

Concerned that the former president has “drifted off message,” the Hillary for President campaign sought to distance itself from his remarks. “Bill signed that law more than 20 years ago,” campaign manager Robby Mook reminded. “It’s understandable that he feels some need to defend it. But that is not Hillary’s current position.”

Mook sought to establish that “it is Hillary’s position that the bigger problem is white cops killing blacks. This is the same position as that of the BLM movement. Blacks killing blacks results from imposing unfair white values on the black subculture. Blacks violently fighting over turf stems directly from our drug laws. It is Hillary’s position that the government ought to award designated areas to minority-run drug vendors, much like government has awarded gambling territories to Indian tribes. If this were done, black gangs could take turf interlopers to court rather than trying to enforce their rights through extra-legal means.”

In related news, the Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) threatened action against landlords who refuse to rent to convicted felons, calling it “racist. Blacks are three times as likely to have criminal convictions as whites. Barring lawbreakers from rentals illegally imposes standards favorable to whites on racial minorities.” Similarly, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that federal immigration officials may not deport “habitual drunkards” because “drunkenness is a disease which society is obligated to treat, regardless of the nationality of the person suffering from the malady.”

Hillary Demands She be Prosecuted if Guilty

In a surprising move said to be aimed at undermining contentions that she is being afforded special treatment, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton demanded that “everyone who violates the law anywhere should be held accountable.”

Campaign manager Robby Mook argued that “this will take the wind out of the sails of those in the GOP who maintain that Hillary sees herself as above the law. By insisting that everyone who violates the law must be prosecuted, the absence of any prosecution from the Department of Justice will stand as a total vindication of her innocence. In simple terms, no prosecution means no guilt.”

Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver called the move “a stunt. This whole unsecured email scandal is like a magician’s misdirection. Clinton’s real crime is her conspiracy with Wall Street bankers to prevent the people from overthrowing their capitalist oppressors. That is what she’ll be prosecuted for and punished under a Sanders Administration.”

In related news, the Clinton campaign used “white noise” to block reporters from hearing her speech to a gathering of mega-donors in Colorado. Mook explained that “the going rate to hear Hillary Clinton speak is a minimum of $250,000 per hour. If the members of the media want in, they have to ‘pony up.’”

Dem Says National Debt Not a Threat

Sen. Ed Markey (D-Mass) brushed off fears that a runaway national debt could pose a threat to America. “Look, a debt of whatever amount merely records resources that have already been acquired by the government,” Markey argued. “The government has already gotten and spent that money for the benefit of America. Whether it ever pays this money back is basically irrelevant.”

Let’s imagine that, ‘horror of horrors,’ the government defaults on this debt,” Markey continued. “Who’s hurt? The people who lent the money to the government by buying bonds can obviously afford to lose this money. People who need their money don’t buy bonds. They buy food. The net result of a default is that funds are transferred from those who can afford doing without the money to the government that spends it for the benefit of all the people. How is that a threat?”

Senate Foreign Relations Committee chairman Bob Corker (R-Tenn) labeled Markey’s statement “a crackpot idea. If we don’t honor our debts how can we expect anyone to lend to us when we need it?”

Markey dismisse4d Corker’s doubts as “pedestrian thinking. This is the government we’re talking about. If push comes to shove, we can just seize whatever resources we need. No nation, no organization, no individual can stand against the might of the United States. We have the technology and the firepower to take whatever we need to ensure that our government will continue to function.”

In related news, Democratic presidential aspirant Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) defended queuing for consumer goods as “in many ways, a more equitable way of distributing scarce items like bread. While there can be great disparities in the ability to pay money, the amount of time available to everyone is more fairly balanced. Waiting in line exacts an equal amount of time from all. On top of this, it gets people out of doors and into the fresh air. That also has health benefits that are denied in a capitalist system that stocks abundant merchandise and requires no waiting to obtain it.”

Obama Promises “Trump Will Not Succeed Me”

Calling GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump “an appalling choice,” President Barack Obama promised a frightened nation that “I will do whatever I can to prevent this man from succeeding me as president.”

The president didn’t rule out “any extraordinary, extra-legal actions that might be needed. Hopefully, it won’t come to that. I trust that American voters will opt to continue the progress I’ve made by electing Secretary Clinton in November. But rest assured, I will not shy away from doing what it takes to keep Mr. Trump out of the Oval Office.”

Meanwhile, Obama’s preferred successor sought to differentiate herself from her Democratic presidential rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) by promising to “order all employers to boost the pay of women to equal that of men.” Not to be outdone, Sanders said he would “order all employers to raise all employees’ wages—men and women alike. The capitalists have expropriated the labor surplus for too long. As president, I will ensure that all profits are converted into higher wages across the board.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Rove Calls for ‘Fresh Face’ to Get GOP Nomination

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnKarl Rove, former campaign adviser to President George W. Bush, suggested that “Republicans need to look outside the current crop of candidates vying for the Party’s nomination and pick a ‘fresh face’ if we are to have any hope of winning against Hillary Clinton in November.”

Look, the guy with the most delegates is a gaffe machine with little grasp of the way government works,” Rove contended. “On top of that he has disturbingly negative favorability ratings. A majority of voters can’t stand him. I don’t see any way he can win in November.”

As for the others who’ve run against him for the nomination, the fact that they all got fewer votes than Trump kind of disqualifies all of them,” Rove added. “They are all proven losers to an awful candidate. We should look past this pool of weak candidates and pick an outsider who hasn’t already been rejected by voters.”

Among the “outsiders” who ought to be considered, Rove mentioned “Gov. Mitt Romney who ran a strong race against a sitting president in 2012, rising legislative star Paul Ryan, and Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal who recently courageously vetoed a so-called religious liberty bill that was discriminatory against gay rights.”

Donald Trump denounced “Rove’s plot to steal the nomination” and expressed a desire “to punch this smug little bastard in the face or maybe sue him.” Second place delegate winner Texas Sen. Ted Cruz called Rove’s suggestion “an attack on me and my family” and alleged that “there is no doubt in my mind that Donald Trump’s henchmen are behind it.”

In related news, Trump campaign official Karen Giorno characterized Cruz’s joke on the Jimmy Kimmel Show that he might press the accelerator instead of the brake and run Trump over with his car, as a “death threat.” Cruz campaign Communications Director Alice Stewart clarified her candidate’s jibe stating that “Sen. Cruz would only do this if necessary to stop Trump from testing his theory that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue without it affecting his vote totals.” Stewart admitted, though, that “the odds that Ted would be behind the wheel of a car on 5th Ave. at the precise moment he would need to be are vanishingly small.”

Hillary Says Constitution Guarantees Right to Abortion

Former Secretary of State and current Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton told voters this week that “the right to an abortion is a fundamental human right guaranteed by the US Constitution” and that “neither Congress nor any state has the authority to abridge or limit this right.”

The Constitutional clause cited by the candidate was Article III, Section 2. “The Founders, in their wisdom, affirmed that under our government, ‘judicial power shall extend to all,’” Clinton said. “This established the Court as the final arbiter of everyone’s rights. Consequently, the Court’s 1973 grant of the right to abortion is immune from the tampering of those motivated by political ambition.”

Clinton emphasized that “this omnipotent role of the Court makes it all the more important that voters elect a person who is pledged to appoint justices that will ensure that the Roe v. Wade decision is not overturned. I am that person. We must not let the enemies of abortion succeed in criminalizing this vital medical procedure by imposing punishments on the women who exercise this right or the heroic doctors who work to fulfill it.”

Administration Efforts to Eliminate “Red Tape” Costly

President Obama’s touted plan to reduce government red tape appears to have both increased the cost of government AND the time and effort required to comply with regulations. According to the American Action Forum, measures put into place by the Administration have added a net $23 billion in costs and nearly nine million hours of extra paperwork on businesses, individuals, and government to comply with the “reforms.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended the Administration’s efforts, saying that “a simplistic calculation of the costs and burdens unfairly muddles the distinction between eliminating bad regulations and replacing them with good regulations. The net costs and man-hours may have gone up, but the gains in good regulations may outweigh those added burdens.”

Most of the added burdens have been imposed by the Department of Health and Human Services as it has struggled to implement Obamacare, a situation that Earnest called “warranted. What the Administration’s critics overlook is that moving the critical decision-making authority out of the selfish hands of doctors and patients and into the hands of socially-conscious government-appointed experts is a complex endeavor that is well worth the cost. An anarchic individualized system is being supplanted by one focused on the collective well being of an entire society. I can’t see how it wouldn’t be worth it no matter how high the price.”

In related news, disappointment with the failure of schools to universally fall in line behind Michelle Obama’s dictates on proper lunch nutritional standards, the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food and Nutrition Service is proposing a “schedule of fines for noncompliance.” Administrator Audrey Rowe stated “we’re losing patience with those who won’t voluntarily do the right thing. Maybe it’s time we use the ‘stick’ to get their attention.”

Bill Would Ease Way for Prosecution of Climate Deniers

The Climate Science Truth & Accountability Act, a bill introduced by California state Sen. Ben Allen (D-Santa Monica) would expand state and local government’s attorneys’ power to crack down on global warming critics. Under the bill, the statute of limitations would be extended to 30 years so that the California attorney general, 58 county district attorneys and the city attorneys of every city with more than 750,000 people would have a bigger window of opportunity to launch investigations, lawsuits, and prosecutions against climate change critics.

We cannot allow the biggest criminals against humanity to escape punishment just because of the passage of time,” Allen asserted. “The scope of harm done by other felons is narrow. A thief or rapist victimizes a far smaller number of people than the person who impedes timely action against global warming by misleading voters to oppose policies that are necessary to curb the ravages of climate change.”

The Senator rebuffed arguments that his bill would further criminalize freedom of speech. “Freedom of speech is not a blank check,” Allen said. “The government has an obligation to protect citizens from harmful and misleading statements. As elected representatives it is our responsibility to stand against the advocates of malicious anti-social doctrines that conflict with the general welfare of the community.”

North Korean Government Advises Population to “Brace for Famine”

Calling the road to revolution “long and arduous,” the state-run Rodong Sinmun newspaper advised readers to “brace for famine.” The “bracing” is expected to entail the people “chewing the roots of plants once again.” In addition, the country is requiring all residents to deliver about 2 lb. of rice to state warehouses each month.

The rice levy is needed to ensure that the country’s 300 lb. leader—Kim Jong-un—is able to “maintain his strength in the battle against capitalist imperialism. We cannot allow hunger to undermine his ability to continue to make progress toward the socialist future we are all striving to achieve.”

Kim has also demanded half a million tons of food aid from other countries, warning that “we have the power to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against anyone who withholds the aid our people need. Denial of assistance at a time of dire need is the worst kind of capitalistic exploitation.” Thus far, this threat has only elicited a meager 17,600 tons of the 500,000 tons demanded by the regime.

DHS Secretary Says Illegal Aliens Are “in Effect” US Citizens

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson dismissed the possibility of deporting those entering the country illegally as “impractical. For all intents and purposes the 11 million already residing here are, in effect, US citizens.”

Johnson also expressed his distaste at deporting alien criminals on the grounds that “it would be both cruel and unusual. The home countries to which they would be deported are already suffering under crime rates far higher than we have here in the United States. Even if letting them stay here raises our crime rates it seems to me that this would provide for a more fairly balanced distribution of criminal elements around the globe.”

Further, it would be highly unusual for us to unilaterally deport these people,” Johnson continued. “European governments aren’t deporting terrorists back to their Middle Eastern homelands. Just this week, Belgian officials acknowledged that terrorist cells are too big for the government to take action against. If Europeans can learn to live with foreign terrorists in their midst, surely we can learn to live with the lesser danger of abiding a few hundred foreign-born murderers living among us.”

As Johnson sees it, “the whole issue may be moot anyway. As these resident aliens register to vote they will be helping select the people who run the government. If respecting the will of the people is to have any meaning in our democracy we need to respect these new voices and try to integrate them into our society.”

In related news, Muslims living in the Detroit metro area lodged a protest against the Cherry Hill Presbyterian Church’s annual Easter egg hunt, calling it “an offense to our religious beliefs.” Parent Majed Moughni claimed his “children were discomfited by this intrusion. The invitation for all children, regardless of religious affiliation, to participate in this event exhibited an unconstitutional insensitivity to our religious beliefs.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.