By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama took issue with Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s portrayal of a country in crisis, calling it “dangerously skewed from reality.”
“By highlighting a few incidents of terrorist attacks Mr. Trump overlooks the fact that only a small minority of people die at the hands of these misguided individuals,” Obama asserted. “The reality is that the vast majority of people in this country still die of old age. A more sensible approach was voiced by French Prime Minister Manuel Valls who calmly advised that we learn to live with these attacks.”
“Trump’s call for ‘law and order’ undermines my Administration’s efforts to seek a more equitable balance in our penal system,” the President complained. “His narrow focus on apprehending and punishing perpetrators of crimes would have a racially disparate impact on minorities. It completely ignores the crimes committed against Blacks during slavery that went unpunished and lets the descendants of those criminals escape retribution. Ideally, this retribution should come from the government, but can we really blame those tired of waiting for the government to take action?”
“Then there’s all his harping about the suffering of the middle class,” Obama added. “The middle class doesn’t appreciate how good they have it. Most of the people around the world have far worse lives. They live in ramshackle buildings, often have too little to eat, and live under corrupt dictators. Opening our borders to them is an act of compassion and social justice. Sharing in the wealth that our country has been blessed with is their human right. Those who vote for Trump will be voting to deny them this right.”
“Fortunately, voters will have an opportunity to continue the progress I have made during my time in office by electing Secretary Hillary Clinton this November,” the President urged. “Not only has she pledged to stay the course, there is also the very real possibility that she will enable me to carry on the revolution by appointing me to a seat on the Supreme Court. The journey doesn’t have to end. It can live beyond January if voters make the right choice this Fall.”
In related news, a release of 20,000 hacked emails from the Democratic National Committee by Wikileaks detailed how supposedly impartial Party officials worked to stifle Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign against insider-favorite Hillary Clinton. DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz defended the biased process, arguing that “the fate of the nation is too important to leave to chance. We could not sit by idly and permit a nobody like Sanders to derail the most qualified person in our history from her destiny to rule America.”
Nearly Half of TSA Employees Cited for Misconduct
According to a report from the House Homeland Security Commission, nearly half of the TSA’s 60,000 employees have been cited for misconduct in recent years. The trend is not encouraging either. Citations have increased by 28% over the last two years. The top five offenses include unaccounted for absences, failure to follow instructions, improper screening & security, neglect of duty, and disruptive behavior.
TSA Administrator Peter Neffenger sought to downplay the issue by pointing out that “despite unmanned posts, inappropriate groping petty theft, and abusive behavior by our employees no flights have been hijacked on my watch.. To me, these glitches seem a tolerable price to pay for improved safety.”
Rep. Scott Perry (R-Pa), Chairman of the Subcommittee on Oversight and Management Efficiency, wasn’t totally reassured by Neffenger’s perspective. “Maybe we’ve just been lucky,” Perry suggested. “I recall a recent test showing a success rate of 95% for weapons escaping the TSA’s detection. There is little evidence to support the notion that the TSA is effective or necessary.”
LA Times Op Ed Says Hillary Win Only Way to Avert Coup
Fear that Trump might be elected president prompted hysteria from leftist loon James Kirchick in an op ed he wrote in this week’s LA Times. “If voters don’t put Hillary in the White House our only option may be a military coup against a President Trump,” Kirchick warns.
Kirchick contends that such a first ever violent overthrow of an election outcome in this country “would be defensive in nature. Trump is outside the mainstream of the governing coalition that has run this country for the last 25 years. Even if he wins a majority of votes his ascension to office could be construed as a coup itself. Undoing his coup would restore the country to normalcy.”
“The foresight of President Obama in purging the military of disloyal elements over the last seven years has laid the groundwork for this fail-safe option should voters make the disastrous decision to hand power over to a madman like Trump,” Kirchick gloated. “Polls may show that the majority of the rank-and-file troops lean toward Trump, but the men who command them have been thoroughly vetted and can be counted on to rise to the occasion if events warrant it.”
“Naturally, such an overt deviation from precedent would have to be a last resort,” Kirchick wrote. “Barring a sufficient number of legitimate votes to ensure her election, a more discreet covert manipulation of the ballots would be preferred. Nevertheless, the outcome is too crucial for us to shy away from any remedy.”
In related news, GQ writer Bethlehem Shoals tweeted that he “would like to beat Patricia Smith to death” after this mother of one of the Americans murdered in Benghazi spoke to the Republican convention. Shoals was incensed that Mrs. Smith blamed then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for irresponsibly neglecting consulate security, callously obstructing rescue efforts, and lying to cover it up.
Miami Police Explain Shooting Unarmed Man
Charles Kinsey, a behavioral therapist trying to aid an autistic patient was shot by Miami police this week. In the incident, Kinsey was lying on the ground with is hands up. Nevertheless, he was still shot in the leg by one of the responding officers.
John Rivera, the President of the Dade County Police Benevolent Association attempted to explain this egregious example of unnecessary and excessive force, calling it “an unfortunate accident. First of all, the police received an anonymous tip that there was a suicidal man with a gun in that area. Right away, the responding officers are thinking ‘we have to shoot this guy before he kills himself or someone else.’ The situation was obviously tense.”
“Then they saw Mr. Kinsey lying on the street with his hands up yelling something about a truck and ‘don’t shoot,’” Rivera said. “Fearing that Mr. Kinsey’s life was in danger, one of the officers shot at the other man and hit Mr. Kinsey. Bad as his aim was, the discharge of his weapon brought the confrontation to an end without loss of life.”
The fact that the “gun” held by the autistic man turned out to be a toy truck did not faze Rivera, who pointed out that “just last week a terrorist in France killed 80 people with a truck. So, I think we can all sympathize with the officer’s reactions here when he heard Mr. Kinsey say the word ‘truck.’ Luckily, his poor marksmanship probably prevented a worse outcome. Surely, dopey and inept are preferable to deadly.”
Federal Courts Dictate State Election Rules
In the past week the federal courts intervened in tthree cases to overrule state election laws. In Michigan U.S. District Judge Gershwin Drain voided a state law banning straight ticket voting. In Wisconsin, U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman ordered state officials to accept voters’ signed affidavits in lieu of photo IDs. In Texas, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voided a state law requiring voters to show any one of seven different photo IDs before being given a ballot at the polls.
In his ruling, Drain called the Michigan law “an unconscionable burden on voters. Jettisoning the convenience of making a single decision and requiring voters to enter a vote for each office imposes unwarranted toil and inconvenience on voters. It also has a disproportionate impact on less informed and less intelligent voters. Our democracy guarantees everyone the right to vote regardless of whether they understand what they’re doing.”
In her ruling, Adelman asserted that “showing up on election day is all that a state may require of someone seeking to exercise his right to vote. The claim that obtaining a photo ID is easy doesn’t mean that effort isn’t needed to get one. Mere laziness should not disqualify a person from casting a ballot.”
The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with the Texas Democratic Party’s contention that requiring voters to identify themselves could discourage some from voting. “It’s supposed to be a secret ballot,” said Democratic Party lawyer Gerry Herbert. “Photo IDs pierce this guarantee and subject voters to unwelcome scrutiny. In a perfect world anyone who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot, no questions asked. This court ruling gets us one step closer to that goal.”
Herbert called the risk that some might fraudulently vote more than once “overblown. First, the individual payback for going to the effort to vote multiple times is vanishingly small. Second, are we sure that a person willing to make this effort is a bad thing? Enthusiasm and initiative ought to count for something. Major league baseball and American Idol allow multiple votes. Has the country been harmed by that?”
In related news, the U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations vowed “to register a million new Muslim voters to combat the candidacy of Donald Trump. Muslim rights to spread Islam to every corner of the Earth are at stake.” Spokesman Osama Abu Irshaid characterized voting as “the peaceful alternative to bombing unbelievers into submission.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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