By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Revelations that the Hillary Clinton-led US State Department granted favors to governments, corporations, and individuals that made donations to the Clinton Foundation have stirred concerns that a Clinton presidency might be tainted by corruption. Foundation president Donna Shalala urged that “we take a more balanced look at the totality of the situation.”

“On the surface, the proximity of the donations and actions taken by Secretary Clinton does appear suspicious,” Shalala admitted. “However, Hillary has repeatedly said that all the actions she took would have been taken regardless of any donations that were made to the Foundation. Clearly donors weren’t buying influence. At worst, they were merely moved up in the queue of those seeking favors from Secretary Clinton.”

“What is being overlooked is that extracting money from those seeking the State Department’s approval for arms purchases, trade deals, and business permits helps boost the American economy,” Shalala added. “Over 90 percent of the money flowing into the Foundation is plowed back into the US economy in the form of salaries, rent, travel, accommodations and overhead. We employ 2,000 of the best and brightest people in this country to manage the activities of the Foundation. The money they spend stimulates economic growth. Less than 10% of the Foundation’s resources flow out of the country as aid for needy foreigners. So, if we consider the big picture, the Foundation is an economic dynamo.”

“Given the economic benefits generated by the Foundation, we need to ask ourselves whether an inordinate squeamishness about how some transactions may have gone down should be permitted to undermine all the good that we have done,” Shalala said. “A better approach, in my opinion, would be to expand upon its success by electing Hillary Clinton president. Think about how much more she could do having the entire government under her control rather than just one department.”

Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest echoed Shalala’s view, saying that “there’s a real danger that excessive scrutiny could kill the goose that’s laying the golden eggs. A slavish devotion to propriety must not derail genuine progress toward a more socially just future. Tolerating a small amount of vigorish isn’t too big a price to pay for ensuring that the right people wield the levers of power in government.”

More Clinton Email Questions

The latest 14,900 emails recovered by the FBI came from the 33,000 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton deleted on the grounds that they were personal rather than work-related. Oddly, one of the topics discussed in many of them was Benghazi, which would seem to be “work-related” and as such legally required to be preserved and archived.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook urged that “we not jump to hasty conclusions. If you will recall, Secretary Clinton admitted she authored many emails dealing with planning her daughter’s wedding. While we all know about the attack on Ambassador Stevens that occurred in Benghazi what a lot of people fail to recognize is that Benghazi could well have been a site under consideration for the wedding and/or honeymoon. Under such circumstances it should not be surprising that many of the Secretary’s personal emails might include the word ‘Benghazi’ within the text.”

On top of this, more than a third of the emails involving Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin that were surrendered by the State Department in response to a Freedom of Information Act filing were 100% redacted. The content was deemed by the State Department as “too sensitive for public disclosure.” Not even members of Congress are trusted to view the material. Ironically, one of the emails that wasn’t redacted was a panicky message from Abedin regarding “burn bag” communications that she had left in an unlocked automobile. Burn bag communications are so secret that the reader is supposed to burn them after reading as a precaution against them falling into the wrong hands.

Clinton’s treatment of her so-called “personal” emails showed a far higher level of precaution against them falling into the wrong hands. FBI forensic analysts found that Clinton’s server showed evidence of having been cleaned by “BleachBit”–a software program that goes far beyond mere deletion of unwanted files. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the use of such software “a greater length than any reasonable or honest person would go to conceal emails dealing with wedding plans or yoga routines as Secretary Clinton has insisted was her only intent.”

Long time Clinton aide Cheryl Mills took umbrage at Gowdy’s remarks calling them “sexist. Rep. Gowdy’s belittling of wedding planning and yoga reveals an ugly subtext of misogyny lurking just beneath the surface. We think every female voter will understand the importance of keeping discussions of these topics away from prying eyes. Gowdy’s gaffe will send another ten million women to the polls to vote for Hillary.”

In related news, a US Army training presentation includes slides with photographs of “insider threats to national security.” One of those photographs is of Hillary Clinton. Maj. Thomas Campbell, a U.S. Army Training, and Doctrine Command spokesman, confirmed that the photo is genuine and said “the possibility that one of these inside threats could be the next Commander-in-Chief is FUBAR.”

NY Times Reporter Slams Hannity for “Unethical” Behavior

New York Times reporter Jeremy Peters slammed radio talk show host Sean Hannity’s “unethical behavior” regarding how he is covering the current presidential candidates.

“Every profession has its norms and boundaries for assessing the way its members should handle their trade,” Peters proclaimed. “Journalists have an ethical obligation to live up to these norms and respect these boundaries. It has been agreed by the majority within our profession that it is our journalistic duty to do whatever we can to prevent Donald Trump from becoming president. Hannity has flouted this agreement by urging voters to do the exact opposite of what every responsible journalist wants them to do.”

“Every minute of Hannity’s show that fails to condemn Trump’s candidacy is a lost opportunity to do the right thing,” Peters insisted. “Even worse, allowing Trump to speak and praising him for it constitutes millions of dollars in free advertising. This is unfair to Hillary Clinton who must traipse across the country to solicit the donations she needs to buy TV and radio ads to counter the free advertising Hannity and his ilk are providing to her unfit opponent.”

“The stakes of this election couldn’t be higher,” Peters contended. “If alt-right extremists like Hannity succeed in getting their man into the White House the public airwaves will continue to be polluted by anti-social rants. It is more important than ever that we elect Hillary. She will appoint the people we need to the FCC and the courts to ensure that broadcast communications are permanently cleansed of nonconforming counterrevolutionary opinions.”

Hillary Hammers Trump’s Pitch to Black Voters

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid to woo black votes by persuading them that Democratic policies have ruined their lives was denounced by rival candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a major policy speech she gave in Reno, Nevada this week.

“Democrats and blacks have been together for a long time,” Clinton told a crowd that easily surpassed double digits. “It’s kind of like we have a ‘common law marriage.’ It’s outrageous for an outsider like Trump to try to alienate our mutual affections. Sure there have been some rough patches. Every marriage has rough patches. Bill and I have had some rough patches, but we’ve always stuck together. Each of us has been there to aid and abet the other’s dreams and aspirations. Blacks and Democrats need to stick together for the same reason.”

“Trump promises to put black people to work,” Hillary pointed out. “But whites putting black people to work sounds like slavery to me. The Democratic Party has freed black people from the burdens of work. Democrats have enacted laws to ensure that if your man walks out on you the government will put a roof over your head and food on the table. Thanks to legislation championed by the Democratic Party no one has to do hard labor to survive.”

“Trump promises to make the streets safe by locking up criminals,” Hillary observed. “But this is a thinly veiled declaration of war against the black man. As we have seen ‘law and order’ leads to a racially imbalanced prison population. Democrats are against laws and enforcement that fall disproportionately on racial minorities. The prison population should mirror the free population. I will work toward achieving this goal.”

“I caution blacks not to buy into Trump’s idea that acting white is the way to a better life,” Hillary warned. “From our nation’s earliest days it has been the Democratic Party that has taken care of blacks. Republicans have been the ones ready to cast them out into the world to fend for themselves. Voters should remember this on election day.”

In related news, Will Quigg, a grand dragon of the California Ku Klux Klan chapter, endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. “History has shown that Democrats have been the Party with the guts to keep the blacks in their place, they even fought a war to preserve white rights,” Quigg reminded. “LBJ’s Great Society plan to concentrate the blacks in public housing compounds and fatten them up on food stamps keeps them from taking the jobs that belong to whites.”

State Department Warns Americans to Avoid Traveling

The State Department issued a warning to US citizens advising them to avoid foreign travel for the “foreseeable future.” The warning was sparked by what the Department characterized as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of a recent multi-million dollar payment to Iran.”

“We thought we were paying off an amount due Iran from the cancellation of the Shah’s 1979 purchase of jet fighters,” explained Payton Moore, Undersecretary for Islamic Relations. “The government of Iran thought we were paying ransom for four Americans they were holding prisoner until a plane delivering the $400 million in cash arrived in their country. Now the Iranian government has instructed police and military units to take more American ‘criminals’ into custody for future exchanges.”

The misunderstanding was confirmed when Iranian Minister of Commerce, Mehdi Ghazanfari, bragged that “the exchange of American spies for cash compensation is the most efficacious investment available to us. The return excedes that of any other industry that we could conceivably undertake.”

The Minister recommended expanding the scheme to include “arresting Iranians with relatives who are American citizens. The loyalty of anyone with family in the United States is suspect. We can test their loyalty to Iran by inducing them to invite family members for a visit. We can then arrest the visiting Americans and earn a generous profit by ransoming them back to the US government.”

Ghazanfari hastened to point out that “this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to export Muslim refugees to countries where they can collect welfare benefits. As the Quran tells us, it is every Muslim’s right to receive the jizya from the kafirs. The benefits aren’t as robust as they ought to be, but as more Muslims attain citizenship in the western countries they will use their votes to remedy this deficiency.”

In related news, the US State Department announced that “as a courtesy to former Secretary Hillary Clinton” it won’t be releasing her 2009-2013 appointment calendar until after the November election. Department spokesman Herman Hushman called it “a simple case of helping out an alumna of the agency during a difficult time in her life.”

Zimbabwean Olympians Face Punishment

Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe had the nation’s entire Olympic team arrested on their return home from the Rio games, saying “we have wasted the country’s money on these rats we call athletes.”

The dictator is said to be weighing whether to compel the athletes “to do hard labor until they have earned enough to reimburse the government” or “to have them publicly executed to provide a better show than the feeble performances they turned in at the Olympic games.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By    John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s visit to flood ravaged areas of Louisiana was panned by Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest as “a virtual usurpation of President Obama’s prerogative. Everyone knows that it is the President’s right to visit and comfort the afflicted. That a non-office holder like Trump would ignore this right demonstrates a dangerous overreach.”

Earnest contrasted Trump’s unauthorized visit with President Obama’s 2012 visit to hurricane damaged New Jersey, which he characterized as “in line with the accepted protocols of such events. As we saw then, Republican Governor Christie welcomed the President’s attention. In Louisiana, though, Governor Edwards has denounced Trump’s invasion of his state as a ‘photo op.’” Edwards is a Democrat.

The Clinton campaign expressed similarly derogatory comments. “Showing up when the President has declined to interrupt his well-deserved vacation is disrespectful,” complained Clinton campaign manager Robbie Mook. “It’s this kind of stunt that has Trump trailing in the polls and will lead to his defeat in November.”

Mook boasted that “Hillary is devoting her full attention to saving the country from this unfit poseur. While Trump is wasting his time helping unload relief supplies—work that could easily be done by anyone with brute strength—our candidate is resting up before two major fund-raising events this coming week, one hosted by mega-star Cher in Miami Beach. The ability to extract money from big donors is a skill far more critical to winning elections and governing this nation than Trump’s simulated sympathy for the victims of a natural disaster caused by global warming.”

Hillary for America Communications Adviser and Senior Spokesperson Karen Finney called Trump’s Louisiana toting escapade “implicitly sexist. Lifting boxes of food and medical supplies unfairly exploits a male’s superior physical strength and subtly conveys the message that a female is too weak to govern. Can America afford to elect a president who would stoop so low in a desperate grab for votes?”

New Email Scandal Excuses Tested

Faced with the difficulty of persuading a skeptical public that the “extraordinarily careless” characterization of her email practices by FBI Director James Comey is significantly different from the legally culpable “gross negligence” standard, the Clinton campaign is field testing a couple of new excuses.

First out of the block was the disclosure that neither Secretary Clinton nor any of her many aides (including Cheryl Mills, Huma Abedin, Jake Sullivan, Dennis Cheng, Anne Marie Slaughter, Phillippe Reines, Caitlin Klevorick, and Kris Bladerston) embroiled in the scandal completed the mandatory ethics training required for federal employees.

Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook pointed out that “any confusion, missteps, or technical violations of the law can’t be held against Secretary Clinton or her staff if they were never given the proper training. You can hardly blame the Secretary’s loyal staffers for following her wishes regarding her off-site email server. Neither can we blame Hillary who previously had very limited exposure to classified communications.”

The real culprit according to Mook was “former Secretary of State Colin Powell. It was this Bush appointee who advised incoming Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to use her own private email for all her important communications. It was Powell who told her that the only way she could ensure control over access to her email was to take it off-site. Otherwise it would be out of her hands. And as we have seen from the fuss made over the emails Hillary did turn over to the State Department, we can only wonder how much worse it could’ve been if she hadn’t had the opportunity to delete 30,000 personal emails.”

CAIR Criticizes Trump’s “Extreme Vetting” Proposal

The Council on American–Islamic Relations (CAIR) sharply criticized GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s promise to exercise “extreme vetting” of immigrants from terror-plagued regions of the world, calling it “unconstitutional.”

CAIR spokesman Iman Aswad declared that “Trump’s vetting would interfere with the free exercise of our religion. Islam is not like Christianity or Judaism. Our faithful are bound to fight against unbelievers. Trump’s idea that the government can screen out those who are committed to this fight discriminates against one, and only one religion: Islam. As such it is unconstitutional under American law.”

“It is also impermissible under sharia law,” Aswad added. “As stated in the Quran, all the world is for Allah. Any country’s secular laws that refuse to acknowledge this higher law are not binding. People like Trump only prolong the conflict and postpone the day when all can live in peace as members of one united umma. American voters who want this peace must not accept Trump as their president.”

Aswad rejected Trump’s plan to consult with moderate Muslims, calling it “an ignorant outsider’s view of Islam. There is no ‘moderate Islam.’ There is no ‘radical Islam.’ There is only Islam. The inclusion of heretics and infidels on his vetting commission does not correct the deficiencies of his proposed intrusion into our religious beliefs. Only true Muslims can be the judges of Islam. The best that non-Muslims can do short of converting is to submit and obey the laws laid down by the Caliphate.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine suggested that women’s rights in Muslim countries are better protected than they are in the United States. “In America it took more than a century for women to get the right to vote,” Kaine observed. “Even today fewer than 20% of the members of Congress are women.” According to Kaine this compares unfavorably with countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. “Those who claim that women would be worse off under a Muslim regime are distorting the facts,” he said.

Rapist Not Necessarily a Bad Guy

Writing for Wonkette, Rebecca Schoenkopf expressed her opinion that Bill Clinton probably did rape Juanita Broaddrick back in 1978, but that this doesn’t necessarily make him an “evil person.”

“Let’s look at the facts of that particular case,” Schoenkopf argued. “First, Bill showed he cared by advising Juanita to put some ice on her lip that he bit. Second, he called her later to apologize. This is a level of concern that most rapists don’t show. Third, while there has been a string of alleged improprieties involving indecent exposure, molestation, and sexual indiscretions since then there haven’t been anymore rapes.”

“Against this inappropriate abuse of women we need to weigh the good he has done for America,” Schoenkopf insisted. “He served two successful terms as president. He introduced his wonderful wife Hillary to a nation starved for genuine female heroes. He raised his family out of bankruptcy after leaving the White House via a series of fabulous speeches and crafty business deals that built the Clinton Foundation into a multimillion dollar charity juggernaut. So, I think the pluses outweigh the minuses.”

Schoenkopf said she trusts Bill Clinton’s promise “to cease his pay-for-play efforts if Hillary is elected by stepping down from his job as head of the Clinton Foundation. The media spotlight on the first female president will be too bright for any of that type of skulduggery to go unnoticed. And I think Bill is too decrepit to woo any interns inside the White House. Any shenanigans would, I’m sure, involve professional women and take place in more discreet locations.”

In related news, a new NBC News|SurveyMonkey Weekly Election Tracking poll found that only 12% of Democrats see their Party’s presidential candidate as honest and trustworthy. Clinton supporter Gov. Maggie Hassan (D) brushed this finding aside saying that “choosing a dishonest person over an unfit person should be an easy one for voters to make. Isn’t a liar who can get the job done preferable to a politically inexperienced naif?”

Trump’s Pitch to Black Americans Called Flawed

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid for Black votes was labeled “flawed” by his critics. In a speech in Wisconsin this week Trump maintained that Democratic policies have worsened the plight of minorities. This view was assailed by Democrats and their media supporters.

“Trump’s contention that minorities are the foremost victims of the breakdown in law and order doesn’t excuse his failure to reach out to the Black Lives Matter group,” contended CNN talking head Carol Costello. “By refusing to bring BLM inside the tent he leaves them no option but to burn down neighborhoods, beat white folks, and agitate against police repression. This man’s election would undo all that President Obama has done to empower the minority community. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, has made BLM’s interests a guiding light for her future policies toward the minority community.”

“Trump’s notion that he can win a significant share of the minority vote is absurd,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton declared. “Democrats are the champions of all the government programs that have sustained the minority segment of our population for generations. Democrats have built public housing. Democrats have ensured that their access to abortion will be unconstrained. Democrats have put food on their tables. Democrats are the ones who take their grievances against the police seriously.”

Steve Bannon, Chief Executive of Trump’s presidential campaign, defended his man by assailing “the ‘plantation mentality’ of the Democrat’s claim that they own the minority vote. The welfare programs they boast of creating have destroyed the minority community in our inner cities. By subsidizing unwed motherhood the Democrats have undermined minority families. Democrats’ unstinting support for abortion has ensured that more Blacks die from this than die from America’s leading killer—heart disease. Democrats’ job-destroying economic policies have left fewer opportunities for minorities to earn an honest living. Democrat-created public housing ghettos have become high-crime neighborhoods that terrorize and claim the lives of too many in the minority community.”

“Donald Trump wants to get past the Democrats’ propaganda and bring real solutions to the suffering that has gone on too long,” Bannon continued. “This means bypassing the Democrats’ pandering to radical hate groups like Black Lives Matter. He doesn’t deny that wrongful police shootings have occurred, but riots targeting innocent bystanders solve nothing. He offers policies that make a self-sustaining life a more realistic possibility for all Americans. He offers support for the law enforcement that defends the rights of all to peacefully pursue happiness. He thinks that a government that respects all persons is the ‘hand-up’ that will improve lives more effectively than the ‘hand-outs’ that have been the core Democrat policy.”

In related news, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Tim Kaine told a group of Black Baptists in New Orleans that “the 400 years of repression of Blacks in this country must be balanced by a period of repression of whites if we are to achieve true equity between the races.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By   John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Arizona’s U.S. Senator John McCain (R) took issue with GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump’s statement that President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were co-founders of ISIS.

“President Obama may have given the final decision to back these guys based on Secretary Clinton’s recommendation, but I was the one on the ground in Syria who met with them before they were big,” McCain pointed out. “Were it not for my preliminary work the later steps taken by Obama and Clinton wouldn’t have been possible. So, I think it’s only fair that I receive some recognition for the historic rise of this group.”

To further bolster his claim McCain boasted of his continued links to the terrorist group. “We still talk frequently by phone,” he said. “Sure there’s a lot of ‘death to America’ rhetoric coming from them, but there also is some constructive two-way dialog. I think I’m gaining their trust and can serve as a bridge to a mutually satisfactory accommodation of our differing interests.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest contested McCain’s claims. “Senator McCain’s schmoozing with the forerunners of ISIL played no role in the president’s decision to arm this group to fight against Syrian dictator Assad,” Earnest contended. “Neither did it influence the plan jointly conceived by Secretary Clinton and Ambassador Stevens to ship them weapons through Libya.”

Earnest asserted that “emails from the cache of Secretary Clinton’s deleted files confirm that the major actors who convinced the president on this matter were Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice and Samantha Power. This is not to say that Senator McCain wasn’t trying to play a role, only that his role did not affect the president’s decision to take action. The bottom line is that the Senator is not as important as he imagines.”

Meanwhile, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called for Hillary Clinton to be indicted for lying to Congress about secret arms shipments to Islamic terrorists. “In 2013 Secretary Clinton gave sworn testimony denying any knowledge of arms shipments to Al Qaeda rebels opposing the Assad regime in Syria,” Paul remembered. “Now we see that she was privy to emails detailing this very transaction. Lying under oath is perjury. Her claimed ‘brain short-circuit’ is not exculpatory.”

In related news, one of Hillary’s unsecured emails exposed the identity of an Iranian nuclear scientist, Shahram Amiri, who had been covertly assisting US intelligence to gather information about Iran’s nuclear weapons program. Hillary’s emails were cited by the Iranian government in their case against him. Amiri was executed last week. Clinton campaign manager maintained that “in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal. The fact of the matter is that Amiri was a traitor to his country. Traitors ought to be executed. Whether Secretary Clinton’s emails played a role in this outcome or not justice was still served.”

More Top Democrats’ Emails Hacked

The recent release of emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee may be only the tip of an ice berg of embarrassing revelations of secrets Party big shots wish would have stayed hidden. The FBI estimates that the email accounts of more than 100 top Party officials may have been compromised.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the breach “as dangerous a threat to America as the Watergate scandal. The privacy of the leaders of the Democratic Party has been severely damaged.”

Earlier disclosures from the DNC hack showed unseemly behavior by officials to rig the primary election in favor of Hillary Clinton. This included collusion between the DNC and various media outlets to slant news and polls against her main rival Sen. Bernie Sanders, not to mention racially and sexually derogatory language.

“The people ruling this country need to be able to communicate frankly with each other without having to fear that their every word will be scrutinized,” Pelosi argued. “Sometimes we have to do things for the common good that those on the outside might interpret as unfair. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we might use words that others could find offensive. Rather than prying into our private thoughts the American public needs to have faith that Democrats will look out for their interests.”

In related news, former CBS anchorman Dan Rather called upon his media pals to “shame Trump supporters. This is not an ordinary election. If Donald Trump wins our entire way of life will be upended.” Rather urged the industry to “follow my example. I went out on a limb to try to save the country from George Bush. It cost me my career, but at least I did the right thing. We newsmen all need to heed the call of New York Times columnist Jim Rutenberg and not let an ill-considered respect for objectivity, truth, or fairness obstruct our higher obligation to turn back the most serious threat this nation has ever faced.”

Muslims Test Intimidation Tactic

Parishioners of St. Andrew Orthodox Church in Riverside California have been treated to shouts of “Allahu Akbar” from bullhorn wielding Muslims during weekly services. Inasmuch as  Allahu Akbar is what Islamic fanatics shout while murdering unbelievers, the church goers are understandably concerned.

Father Josiah Trenham called the shouted slogan “intimidating. We’re trying to hold weekly services. The noise is disruptive and one fears worse. Will it be safe to leave church after the service? Will men with guns or bombs invade the church? What can we do to safely practice our faith.”

Local police officer Ryan Railsback held out little hope for church goers. “Being obnoxious is not illegal,” he observed. “There was no explicit threat. No laws were broken.”

City Attorney Vance Otiose urged tolerance. “Just because someone of a different faith behaves differently doesn’t mean they have no right to do so,” he declared. “Christians may be taught to turn the other cheek, but Muslims are taught to confront nonbelievers and fight to convert them. They have as much right to practice their faith as anyone else does.”

Surge in Guns Alarms Democrats

The number of Americans with concealed carry gun permits has surged by more than 200% since Obama became president. There are now more than 14 million authorized to carry concealed firearms.

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) called this trend “frightening in the extreme. We ought to be reducing the number of people carrying weapons, not increasing them. Reversing this trend has got to be a focal point for Democrats in this election cycle. Ideally, only police ought to be carrying firearms. Making sure the right person is elected president will be crucial to achieving this goal.”

The notion that an increase in concealed carry permits is a bad thing is confounded by a number of statistics. A study published by the Crime Prevention Research Center shows that concealed carry permit holders are more law-abiding than police. Among police, firearms violations occur at a rate of 16.5 per 100,000 officers. Among permit holders the rate is 2.4 per 100,000. Easier access to guns is also linked to lower crime rates. In states that allow concealed carry without a permit the murder rate was 31% lower and the violent crime rate was 28% lower than in states where obtaining a permit is the most difficult.

Murphy was unmoved by the data, though. “As I remember, the crime rates in the former Soviet Union, where only the police were allowed to have guns, was even lower than what was cited by the Crime Prevention Research Center,” the Senator recalled. “So, I think the case for total abolition of private ownership of guns is the stronger one.”

State Department Admits Ethics “Loophole”

Emerging evidence that the State Department under Hillary Clinton sold favors in exchange for donations to the Clinton Foundation has raised serious ethics issues regarding her oversight of the agency. Department Spokesperson Elizabeth Trudeau acknowledged that the transactions appear to have violated a pledge signed by Clinton when she assumed the Secretary position in 2009.

“The problem is that the only evidence of inappropriate interactions we have implicates her subordinates who did not sign any pledges,” Trudeau said. “Secretary Clinton’s pledge was to not be personally involved in dealings between the Clinton Foundation and clients of the State Department. Technically, this did not preclude other State Department officials from being involved. I know it seems like a ‘loophole,’ but there you have it.”

Despite a raft of suspicious interactions between funds flowing into the Clinton Foundation coinciding with favors granted by the Clinton State Department, US Attorney General Loretta Lynch rejected an FBI request to investigate saying that “now would not be an appropriate time to take up such a potentially volatile and controversial case. We are in the final months of a campaign to select the next president. The mere announcement of an investigation would cast an unfavorable light on one of the candidates and could bias the outcome.”

Lynch suggested that “the matter could be more objectively assessed after the election. For all we know, the next president might decide that the matter is not worth expending scarce resources and manpower on. Beginning an investigation now only to see it canceled latter would waste taxpayers’ money. So rather than starting down a dead-end road I think it more fiscally prudent to defer effort until the need for it is decided by our next president.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By  John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama disputed claims that a planeload of $400 million in cash sent to Iran was a payment for the release of four Americans held hostage by the regime. He dismissed the simultaneous arrival of the plane carrying the cash with the departure of the plane carrying the hostages as “coincidental.”

Brian Stelter of CNN cited this coincidence as “proof GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s claim to have seen a video of the exchange is delusional. I have it on good authority that the video of the so-called ransom payment doesn’t exist.” As it turns out, the “good authority” cited by Stelter is Democratic VP candidate Sen. Tim Kaine.

Stelter speculated on whether this “latest Trump gaffe will be the one that finally forces him out of the race. I mean, President Obama has denied it was a ransom. Secretary Kerry has denied it was a ransom. All of the major news outlets are denying it was a ransom. The accumulation of testimony from those in a position to know has got to reach critical mass at some point.”

That the payment might have been a ransom is not without supporting evidence. As reported by the BBC’s Hadi Nili, the Iranian government asserts that the $400 million in cash “was a partial payment for the release of these American criminals.” Then there is the statement of Saeed Abedini, one of the four hostages, that “our captors told us we would be held at the airport until the ransom was received.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the incident as “an issue of semantics. We don’t see it as a case of paying ransom. If the Iranian government wishes to cast it in that light there’s nothing we can do about that. If it soothes their egos to imagine we have ransomed these hostages, so be it. They key thing to take away from this whole sequence of events is that Donald Trump is clearly in the wrong.”

EEOC Orders Employers to Crack Down on “Anti-Social” Political Views

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ordered employers to crack down on employees daring to wear t-shirts or caps with the “Don’t Tread on Me” slogan. The slogan traces back to the American Revolution.

“What may have been appropriate as an expression of resistance against British subjugation in 1776 is completely inappropriate today,” claims EEOC Chairwoman Jenny Yang. “Our government is a democratically elected government. It is not treading on anyone. From time to time our government may have to guide people toward correct thought and behavior. There is no individual right of resistance against this guidance. There is no right to slander the government be implying it is tyrannical.”

According to Yang, the burden of enforcing correct thought and behavior can be delegated to employers because “businesses chartered by the government and given permission to operate have an obligation to suppress anti-social attitudes before they fester into rebellion.”

Pope’s Contention that Islam Is Peaceful Takes Hit

Pope Francis’ belief that Islam is a religion of peace was expressly contradicted by Boko Haram leader Abu Masab Al-Barnawi this week in an interview published in Al-Naba Newspaper. The Islamic terrorist vowed “to kill every Christian and blow up every church until all are for Islam in Nigeria and the world.”

Al-Barnawi cited Christian charities as “the aggressors in this battle for men’s souls. They prey upon the victims of calamities, seducing them with food, shelter, and medical supplies. They insidiously tempt them with kindness and mercy to turn them away from Allah’s command to submit to Islam and fight against unbelievers.”

The ISIS magazine Dabiq also chimed in against the portrayal of its attacks as “senseless violence,” calling it a “smear by the enemies of Islam. We are not randomly killing people. We are targeting the unbelievers as the Quran bids us to do. The Pope can have his peace, but only after all Christians have submitted to Islam.”

One of the historical grievances gnawing at Dabiq’s editors was “the Christians’ efforts against slavery. The profit from selling slaves is one of the boons granted to Muslims by Allah. The West’s interference by suppressing this commerce unjustly deprived Muslims of rewards to which they are entitled.”

The Pope professed himself as “unmoved by the threats of violent Muslims. I remain confident that the vast majority of Muslims will not lift a hand against Christians. Even the minority that do only send our martyrs to heaven a little bit earlier than they might have otherwise arrived. Is that really such a bad thing? What are a few more years on Earth compared to an eternity with the Lord? By granting Christians the opportunity to suffer and die for their faith might not these terrorists actually be helping them follow the example Jesus set for all of us?”

In related news, a recently released email obtained by Wikileaks from the stash of emails hacked from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured server revealed that Clinton created a secret and illegal alliance between the United States and al-Qaeda to assassinate Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi and distribute weapons to Middle Eastern terror groups. Clinton Campaign Manager Robbie Mook rebuffed the revelation as “old news. The email is from 2011. None of the actions taken then can be undone now. We must not let ourselves be diverted from the greater threat posed by the possibility that Donald Trump might seize power and take this country in the wrong direction.”

Hillary Latches onto Winning Issues

In a bid to boost her post-convention momentum, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton latched onto two ideas her campaign believes will finally put her over the top.

One idea is to appoint outgoing President Obama to the first Supreme Court vacancy available. “One of the things that has got to be depressing a lot of Americans is the prospect of losing the talents of the most extraordinary man to have ever held the presidency,” Hillary observed. “While term limits may force him out of his current position the nation could retain his services for decades if we can get him on the Supreme Court.”

“I think I can say with a high degree of confidence that there is no way my opponent would be able to promise to appoint President Obama to the Court,” she added. “So, every voter who would like to see Obama continue as one of the key lawmakers in our government knows what to do to make this happen.”

A second big idea is to raise taxes on the middle class. Hillary tried mentioning this idea in a speech in Iowa this week and received roars of approval from the crowd. Rally attendee Laqueena Leech heartily endorsed the idea. “The super rich will find a way to dodge taxes,’ she argued. “But a lot of those who call themselves middle class still have a lot more than they need. Getting them to share some of it with folks like me by providing free health care, free schooling, and other free stuff is a fair and practical way to redistribute the wealth of this country.”

“It’s individuals like Ms. Leech who are the real backbone of the Democratic Party,” said campaign manager Robbie Mook. “If we can lock up that vote we’ll get the landslide mandate we need to create a whole new way of life for everyone in our society.”

Feds May Take Control of Elections

In response to GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s concerns that the November elections may be rigged, President Obama moved to assert an unprecedented federal role in the voting process. At the president’s direction, Homeland Security Jeh Johnson would be tasked with ensuring that “the process is protected from unwanted manipulation by unauthorized elements.”

“A tainted election process would undermine faith in the legitimacy of the outcome,” Johnson pointed out. “It would be a threat more severe than a terrorist attack. I have been granted a wide latitude from President Obama to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure a valid result.”

One of the measures currently under discussion is a proposal by Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif) to require Donald Trump to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine his eligibility to receive votes. “It should go without saying that any person aspiring to assume the presidency must be of sound mind,” Bass argued. “Verifying this before allowing a person to takeover the government is a ‘no brainer.’ The sooner Mr. Trump submits to such an evaluation, the sooner we can get this hurdle out of the way.”

A second measure Johnson is said to be working on is the recruitment of volunteers to man all polling places to ensure that no one is denied the opportunity to vote. “Anti-democratic elements throughout this country have schemed against allowing full minority participation by throwing up impediments aimed at deterring them from showing up at the polls,” Johnson maintained. “Supposedly neutral photo ID rules scare off voters who fear arrest for outstanding warrants or harassment for casting a ballot for a friend who couldn’t make it to the polls. Our volunteers will help discourage these barriers to full participation.”

Constitutionally, voting is a state government responsibility. However, President Obama has vowed “to not let out-dated rules prevent the actions needed to guarantee a fair outcome. We cannot afford to permit a misguided allegiance to a loathsome ‘states’ rights’ shibboleth stand in the way. Nor can we stand by and let an unfit person be handed the reins of government.”

In related news, investigative journalist James O’Keefe released an undercover video showing how easy it was for him to obtain a ballot while impersonating someone else at a polling station in Michigan. “I had no valid ID, yet was able by dint of a lame excuse sign a paper attesting to a false identity and be handed a ballot,” O’Keefe recounted.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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