By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Revelations that the Hillary Clinton-led US State Department granted favors to governments, corporations, and individuals that made donations to the Clinton Foundation have stirred concerns that a Clinton presidency might be tainted by corruption. Foundation president Donna Shalala urged that “we take a more balanced look at the totality of the situation.”
“On the surface, the proximity of the donations and actions taken by Secretary Clinton does appear suspicious,” Shalala admitted. “However, Hillary has repeatedly said that all the actions she took would have been taken regardless of any donations that were made to the Foundation. Clearly donors weren’t buying influence. At worst, they were merely moved up in the queue of those seeking favors from Secretary Clinton.”
“What is being overlooked is that extracting money from those seeking the State Department’s approval for arms purchases, trade deals, and business permits helps boost the American economy,” Shalala added. “Over 90 percent of the money flowing into the Foundation is plowed back into the US economy in the form of salaries, rent, travel, accommodations and overhead. We employ 2,000 of the best and brightest people in this country to manage the activities of the Foundation. The money they spend stimulates economic growth. Less than 10% of the Foundation’s resources flow out of the country as aid for needy foreigners. So, if we consider the big picture, the Foundation is an economic dynamo.”
“Given the economic benefits generated by the Foundation, we need to ask ourselves whether an inordinate squeamishness about how some transactions may have gone down should be permitted to undermine all the good that we have done,” Shalala said. “A better approach, in my opinion, would be to expand upon its success by electing Hillary Clinton president. Think about how much more she could do having the entire government under her control rather than just one department.”
Obama Administration Press Secretary Josh Earnest echoed Shalala’s view, saying that “there’s a real danger that excessive scrutiny could kill the goose that’s laying the golden eggs. A slavish devotion to propriety must not derail genuine progress toward a more socially just future. Tolerating a small amount of vigorish isn’t too big a price to pay for ensuring that the right people wield the levers of power in government.”
More Clinton Email Questions
The latest 14,900 emails recovered by the FBI came from the 33,000 that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton deleted on the grounds that they were personal rather than work-related. Oddly, one of the topics discussed in many of them was Benghazi, which would seem to be “work-related” and as such legally required to be preserved and archived.
Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook urged that “we not jump to hasty conclusions. If you will recall, Secretary Clinton admitted she authored many emails dealing with planning her daughter’s wedding. While we all know about the attack on Ambassador Stevens that occurred in Benghazi what a lot of people fail to recognize is that Benghazi could well have been a site under consideration for the wedding and/or honeymoon. Under such circumstances it should not be surprising that many of the Secretary’s personal emails might include the word ‘Benghazi’ within the text.”
On top of this, more than a third of the emails involving Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin that were surrendered by the State Department in response to a Freedom of Information Act filing were 100% redacted. The content was deemed by the State Department as “too sensitive for public disclosure.” Not even members of Congress are trusted to view the material. Ironically, one of the emails that wasn’t redacted was a panicky message from Abedin regarding “burn bag” communications that she had left in an unlocked automobile. Burn bag communications are so secret that the reader is supposed to burn them after reading as a precaution against them falling into the wrong hands.
Clinton’s treatment of her so-called “personal” emails showed a far higher level of precaution against them falling into the wrong hands. FBI forensic analysts found that Clinton’s server showed evidence of having been cleaned by “BleachBit”–a software program that goes far beyond mere deletion of unwanted files. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the use of such software “a greater length than any reasonable or honest person would go to conceal emails dealing with wedding plans or yoga routines as Secretary Clinton has insisted was her only intent.”
Long time Clinton aide Cheryl Mills took umbrage at Gowdy’s remarks calling them “sexist. Rep. Gowdy’s belittling of wedding planning and yoga reveals an ugly subtext of misogyny lurking just beneath the surface. We think every female voter will understand the importance of keeping discussions of these topics away from prying eyes. Gowdy’s gaffe will send another ten million women to the polls to vote for Hillary.”
In related news, a US Army training presentation includes slides with photographs of “insider threats to national security.” One of those photographs is of Hillary Clinton. Maj. Thomas Campbell, a U.S. Army Training, and Doctrine Command spokesman, confirmed that the photo is genuine and said “the possibility that one of these inside threats could be the next Commander-in-Chief is FUBAR.”
NY Times Reporter Slams Hannity for “Unethical” Behavior
New York Times reporter Jeremy Peters slammed radio talk show host Sean Hannity’s “unethical behavior” regarding how he is covering the current presidential candidates.
“Every profession has its norms and boundaries for assessing the way its members should handle their trade,” Peters proclaimed. “Journalists have an ethical obligation to live up to these norms and respect these boundaries. It has been agreed by the majority within our profession that it is our journalistic duty to do whatever we can to prevent Donald Trump from becoming president. Hannity has flouted this agreement by urging voters to do the exact opposite of what every responsible journalist wants them to do.”
“Every minute of Hannity’s show that fails to condemn Trump’s candidacy is a lost opportunity to do the right thing,” Peters insisted. “Even worse, allowing Trump to speak and praising him for it constitutes millions of dollars in free advertising. This is unfair to Hillary Clinton who must traipse across the country to solicit the donations she needs to buy TV and radio ads to counter the free advertising Hannity and his ilk are providing to her unfit opponent.”
“The stakes of this election couldn’t be higher,” Peters contended. “If alt-right extremists like Hannity succeed in getting their man into the White House the public airwaves will continue to be polluted by anti-social rants. It is more important than ever that we elect Hillary. She will appoint the people we need to the FCC and the courts to ensure that broadcast communications are permanently cleansed of nonconforming counterrevolutionary opinions.”
Hillary Hammers Trump’s Pitch to Black Voters
GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s bid to woo black votes by persuading them that Democratic policies have ruined their lives was denounced by rival candidate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a major policy speech she gave in Reno, Nevada this week.
“Democrats and blacks have been together for a long time,” Clinton told a crowd that easily surpassed double digits. “It’s kind of like we have a ‘common law marriage.’ It’s outrageous for an outsider like Trump to try to alienate our mutual affections. Sure there have been some rough patches. Every marriage has rough patches. Bill and I have had some rough patches, but we’ve always stuck together. Each of us has been there to aid and abet the other’s dreams and aspirations. Blacks and Democrats need to stick together for the same reason.”
“Trump promises to put black people to work,” Hillary pointed out. “But whites putting black people to work sounds like slavery to me. The Democratic Party has freed black people from the burdens of work. Democrats have enacted laws to ensure that if your man walks out on you the government will put a roof over your head and food on the table. Thanks to legislation championed by the Democratic Party no one has to do hard labor to survive.”
“Trump promises to make the streets safe by locking up criminals,” Hillary observed. “But this is a thinly veiled declaration of war against the black man. As we have seen ‘law and order’ leads to a racially imbalanced prison population. Democrats are against laws and enforcement that fall disproportionately on racial minorities. The prison population should mirror the free population. I will work toward achieving this goal.”
“I caution blacks not to buy into Trump’s idea that acting white is the way to a better life,” Hillary warned. “From our nation’s earliest days it has been the Democratic Party that has taken care of blacks. Republicans have been the ones ready to cast them out into the world to fend for themselves. Voters should remember this on election day.”
In related news, Will Quigg, a grand dragon of the California Ku Klux Klan chapter, endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. “History has shown that Democrats have been the Party with the guts to keep the blacks in their place, they even fought a war to preserve white rights,” Quigg reminded. “LBJ’s Great Society plan to concentrate the blacks in public housing compounds and fatten them up on food stamps keeps them from taking the jobs that belong to whites.”
State Department Warns Americans to Avoid Traveling
The State Department issued a warning to US citizens advising them to avoid foreign travel for the “foreseeable future.” The warning was sparked by what the Department characterized as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of a recent multi-million dollar payment to Iran.”
“We thought we were paying off an amount due Iran from the cancellation of the Shah’s 1979 purchase of jet fighters,” explained Payton Moore, Undersecretary for Islamic Relations. “The government of Iran thought we were paying ransom for four Americans they were holding prisoner until a plane delivering the $400 million in cash arrived in their country. Now the Iranian government has instructed police and military units to take more American ‘criminals’ into custody for future exchanges.”
The misunderstanding was confirmed when Iranian Minister of Commerce, Mehdi Ghazanfari, bragged that “the exchange of American spies for cash compensation is the most efficacious investment available to us. The return excedes that of any other industry that we could conceivably undertake.”
The Minister recommended expanding the scheme to include “arresting Iranians with relatives who are American citizens. The loyalty of anyone with family in the United States is suspect. We can test their loyalty to Iran by inducing them to invite family members for a visit. We can then arrest the visiting Americans and earn a generous profit by ransoming them back to the US government.”
Ghazanfari hastened to point out that “this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to export Muslim refugees to countries where they can collect welfare benefits. As the Quran tells us, it is every Muslim’s right to receive the jizya from the kafirs. The benefits aren’t as robust as they ought to be, but as more Muslims attain citizenship in the western countries they will use their votes to remedy this deficiency.”
In related news, the US State Department announced that “as a courtesy to former Secretary Hillary Clinton” it won’t be releasing her 2009-2013 appointment calendar until after the November election. Department spokesman Herman Hushman called it “a simple case of helping out an alumna of the agency during a difficult time in her life.”
Zimbabwean Olympians Face Punishment
Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe had the nation’s entire Olympic team arrested on their return home from the Rio games, saying “we have wasted the country’s money on these rats we call athletes.”
The dictator is said to be weighing whether to compel the athletes “to do hard labor until they have earned enough to reimburse the government” or “to have them publicly executed to provide a better show than the feeble performances they turned in at the Olympic games.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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