Democrat Party Doesn’t Need White People in Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to “back off. We don’t need white people leading the Democratic Party right now.”

Contrasting “the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party’s future lies with people of color,” Symone argued. She was especially anxious that “the ‘crazy yodeling white dude’ not be allowed to lead the Party into the weeds” and expressed her support “for someone like Ellison to take the reins.”

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), an African-American Muslim from the communist wing of the Party, has already offered himself as a candidate for the DNC post. He is the second to announce his availability. Former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, the “crazy yodeling white dude,” was the first.

Both of these men bring solid credentials into their bid to replace the scandal-plagued Donna Brazile as head of the DNC. Dean has called Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman and current senior strategic adviser, Stephen Bannon, a “Nazi.” Ellison, on the other hand, is the first openly Muslim member of Congress and a proponent of the theory that Jews were responsible for the 9-11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Symone gained some notoriety in a recent CNN appearance where she dismissed a video of Blacks beating a white man who voted for Trump as “a small down payment on the debt owed for centuries of abuse of Blacks by whites. Millions of Blacks received worse beatings from white slave owners for less cause. The white man in the video brought it on himself by voting for Trump.”

In related news, the Baton Rouge Metro Council voted 10-2 to offer a $100,000 settlement to the Black Lives Matter agitators arrested for rioting last July. The riot stemmed from a demonstration in protest of police shooting Alton Sterling as he reached for his gun during a confrontation with the officers. The riot featured vandalism, road blockage, and an assault on a police officer.

France to Pay Illegals to Leave

The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home.

Didier Leschi, the head of France’s immigration office, called the payment “a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native lands.”

The “small business” Syrian refugee Muhammed al-Gougu has in mind is an immigrant travel agency. “As I see it, with a €10,000 stake I can smuggle about 50 refugees into France each of whom will qualify for his own €12,500 repatriation allotment,” he observed. “They each will pay me a fee out of their allotment. I will use my profits to expand my business.”

In related news, a study conducted by the Confcommercio group found a statistical link between increased immigration and increased crime. For every one percent increase in immigration there was a 0.4 percent increase in crime. Rather than seeing this as a problem, the Italian government pointed out that “according to this study only 40% of the additional immigrants are involved in the commission of crimes. That’s less than half of them.” A less cheery finding is that legal immigrants are twice as likely and illegal immigrants are ten times as likely as natives to commit crimes.

Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump

The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that “state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise.”

“The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves,” Carson said. “Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can’t or won’t agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of the secret ballot.”

Nineteen states and Washington, D.C. have no ID mandate. According to Carson, “this is the model the rest of the country should be compelled to adopt. Look at how many came to the polls in California where no ID has to be shown. Look at how big of a margin it was for Hillary Clinton in this state. Clearly, the mandate of the people is that she should be president. That she’s not is a badge of shame tainting our democracy.”

Whether a “no ID” system would validate or destroy the democratic process is a matter for debate. Critics of Carson’s perspective estimate that in California alone at least two million non-citizens were allowed to cast ballots. That the participation of ineligible voters might dilute the effectiveness of citizens’ preferences is a perspective shared by the 80% of Americans who support ID requirements. To Carson, though, “citizenship is an arbitrary demarcation. As President Obama has pointed out, non-citizens living in the country have a material interest in the outcome and they have a moral right to defend the time and effort they invested in infiltrating our borders from being negated by the xenophobic contingent who by accident of birth are citizens through no virtue of their own.”

Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter

The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department.

“All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both sides of the transaction were satisfied with the arrangement. It doesn’t matter that the homeless recipients relish getting these award-winning leftovers. The government sets the rules that everyone is obliged to obey. The fact that the disobedience on display here has been going on for years without our knowledge merely exacerbates the crime.”

Williamson insisted that “the culprits are being let off easy. We took their claimed good intent into consideration and refrained from assessing fines or recommending prosecution. Rather than lamenting our interdiction of their illegal scheme they should consider themselves fortunate they’re not headed to jail.”

Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education

President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.”

Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we, as a society, really afford to gamble with the future of our children? I hope the Senate will reject DeVos and demand that this vital post be manned by someone who has the same kind of expertise as every previous secretary since President Carter created a Cabinet-level Department of Education.”

In nominating DeVos, Trump called her “a brilliant and passionate education advocate. Under her leadership we will reform the US education system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our children back so that we can deliver world-class education and school choice to all families.”

DeVos says her advocacy of charter schools and school voucher programs “is aimed at employing the same consumer choice approach that has driven the commercial sector of our economy to ever higher levels of innovation and proficiency. The existing state-run education bureaucracy stifles innovation and has delivered a chronically deficient product. It’s time to try an approach that has worked elsewhere in our economy.”

In related news, the Silver Trail Middle School in Pembroke Pines, Florida has suspended an honor-student for using a toddler’s butter knife to cut and share a peach with a fellow student. A spokeswoman for the Broward Country school district defended the school’s punitive response as “simply following our policy on weapons.” The knife has been forwarded to the State Attorney’s Office “as evidence in case criminal charges need to be brought against the offender.”

Trump’s Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media

Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads.

Katy Tur of MSNBC called this “a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own ‘spin’ on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries.”

That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably inspired by the hatchet job the mainstream media did on him during the recently completed election campaign. So biased was the coverage that according to a Pew research study, 38percent  of the general public gave the major media an “F” compared to a combined total of only 22% giving a grade of “A” or “B.”

Tur was unmoved by the Pew findings, claiming that “average people aren’t really qualified to judge us. We are the ones with journalism degrees. We are the ones with real world experience covering politics. The ignorant impressions of the man-in-the-street can’t be taken as a valid critiques of our work.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Micro-Aggression Terror at Portland Starbucks

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCustomers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck’s coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name “Trump” to be written on his order.

“This used to be a safe space,” said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an “I’m with her” t-shirt. “That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us.”

Customer, Marcus Child admitted to “trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human history has just seen her dreams shattered by a wave of bigotry from the deplorable voters who backed a fascist takeover of this country.”

Weeping and trembling weren’t the only activities underway during this terrifying incident. One of the victims covertly called the police on the 911 line. Ten minutes later police arrived to confront the man who inspired the widespread angst. He seemed oddly calm and unaware as he drank his coffee and fiddled with his cell  


As it turned out, the man’s name is John Trump. He, like most of his fellow Portlandians, voted for Hillary Clinton. Nevertheless, he was apologetic for his inadvertent aggression. “I’m disappointed too, but its just an election,” he said. “There’ll be another one in a few years. I guess in hindsight I should’ve used my first name. It’s just that ‘John’ is so common. I was afraid my order might get mixed up with another customer’s.”

Police advised John Trump to consider bearing the risk of order mix-ups for a while, “at least until the terror stemming from Donald Trump’s being elected president subsides a bit.”

In related news, anti-Trump protesters outside the Trump Hotel in Washington, DC called for Donald’s wife Melania to be raped. How this fits with the the protesters’ contention that Trump is the advocate of hate remains a mystery.

Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome

A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that “people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country.” Part of that “good” may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they “vote wrong.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for “the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and bigotry left those of us who love America with no choice but to take extreme measures to try to overturn the erroneous voting results. I call upon Mr. Trump to do the right thing and step down to allow the winner of the popular vote to take office.”

Outgoing President Obama says he takes “comfort in the fortitude of those marching in protest of Donald Trump’s apparent electoral victory. Many of those demonstrating their displeasure missed the opportunity to vote on election day. It is encouraging to see that they haven’t given up and are going the extra mile while there is still a chance to correct the mistake made by those who did vote.”

The head of the Los Angeles office for the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Hussam Ayloush, called for Muslims “to overthrow the government now that it is no longer friendly toward our objectives.”

In related news, the Democratic Party, looking to lock up the Muslim vote in future elections, seems set to install Minnesota Representative Keith Ellison as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Ellison has been endorsed by both outgoing Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (NY) as “a strong progressive who will bring new thinking to the DNC.”

Obama Endorses Merkel

US President Barack Obama’s farewell tour of Europe saw him heaping fulsome praise on Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel this week.

The President called her “an outstanding partner” and said “her assistance in fighting global warming, negotiating the Iranian deal, and standing up to Russian aggression has been critical to the progress we have made. Her decision to welcome over a million Muslim refugees is, I believe, a strategic move of immense significance. Muslims are among the fiercest fighters in world history. If Germany had been Muslim in the 1940s the outcome of World War II might well have been different. What’s past is past, but the future is looking brighter because of what she has done.”

Obama also hailed “Germany’s achievement of a new domestic model of a multicultural society where the best of eastern reproductive fecundity and the western work ethic are being mixed into a dynamic synthesis that will change forever the way we perceive social justice. I just wish I could vote for her.”

Whether Obama’s praise and endorsement will help Merkel in the coming elections is questionable. In recent by-elections in Berlin, Merkel’s Christian Democrats were beaten by candidates from the anti-immigrant Alternative for Germany party. It appears that actual Germans aren’t as keen on the idea of Islamizing the country as Merkel and Obama seem to be.

In related news, a translator working with Muslim refugees in Germany says that when talking amongst themselves, “they express hatred and contempt for Christians and boast they will out breed them and claim Germany for Allah.”

Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump’s efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. “He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here,” Graham warned. “But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans.”

Graham found Trump’s idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS “frightening. Russia has been this country’s adversary for longer than I’ve been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They’re dangerous. ISIS is a ‘johnny-come-lately’ phenomenon. They have no nuclear weapons. They are far less dangerous. President Obama’s strategy of aiding ISIS as a counterbalance to Russia strikes me as the wiser policy option. I will do everything I can to try to sustain this course of action.”

“From my perspective, President Obama has done a damn good job,” Graham insisted. “I’m not going to stand by and allow all the good work he’s accomplished be undone. The advances made toward recognizing the inherent gender fluidity of life are, by themselves, the most important achievement in our nation’s history. We will never be able to thank him enough for this signature success.”

Google Promises to Censor “Fake News”

Acknowledging that “our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of ‘fake news,’” Google’s chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised “to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future.”

Pichai was especially hard on himself “for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our users to publish them. That illegally obtained documents would be permitted to poison voters’ opinion of Secretary Clinton’s honesty and suitability was a travesty. This never would have happened in the days when all the news was filtered through iconic reporters like Cronkite and Brokaw.”

The Google executive admitted to uncertainty about “how to fight against ideological pollution,” but assured that “we will do whatever it takes to clean things up. However, since we can’t guarantee that every fake news story can be effectively blocked ahead of time it would be helpful if penalties could be imposed on those who slip past our safeguards.”

Meanwhile, the New York Times—a leading purveyor of fake news—desperately begged readers to stop canceling their subscriptions and promised to cease fabricating the news in the future. Odds-makers are doubtful this strategy will work. “Only a fool would bet on a liar to tell the truth if given a second chance,” said one anonymous source.

Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City

Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.”

For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage.

Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the worst of the worst “a camouflage for the real aim of deporting prospective Democrat voters. I think that most Latinos are willing to accept a few casualties as a reasonable price to pay for the gains that can be attained from being granted an electoral franchise.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.





Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDonald Trump’s surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted “there will be casualties…because people have to die to make a change in this world.” In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the “hashtag” #assassinateTrump is trending.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. “We didn’t see this kind of violent response from Republicans when President Obama was elected in 2008 and 2012,” Conway pointed out. “The very least the leaders of the Democratic Party should do is urge their followers to confine themselves to peaceful and legal means of expressing their opinions.”

Thus far, Obama and Clinton have remained mum, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest reassured the media that “President Obama’s position that Trump is uniquely unqualified hasn’t changed. That there should be widespread outrage that a person with such poor suitability might be the next president shouldn’t be surprising. Carrying this outrage into the streets is a natural expression of views protected by the First Amendment.”

Meanwhile, presumed front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren defended the protests as “a justifiable response to a Trump campaign fueled by racism and bigotry. People are upset and they’re right to be upset. The damage done breaking a few windows and roughing up a few suspected Trump voters is far less than the damage that will be done by a Trump Administration.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) asserted that “the election of Donald Trump has emboldened the forces of hate and bigotry in America.” Lest anyone think he might be condemning the anti-Trump rioters, Reid maintains that “innocent African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, LGBT Americans and Asian Americans are now living in fear of their own government and their fellow Americans.” A fear that he argues is “entirely rational.” Reid concluded by laying the responsibility for restoring order on Trump who, he says “could immediately defuse the situation by conceding the election to Hillary Clinton. She won the popular vote. More people want her to be president than want Trump to be president.”

In related news, the demand for psychiatric services in New York City soared after Trump’s victory. Local Dr. Fran Tichman was giddy over the boom in business. “New Yorkers already have above average incidences of emotional issues. Many are living on the edge of mental breakdown. The recent election has pushed these people over the brink.”

The contrast with the right-wing surge to buy guns during the Obama Administration is profound. At that time, we saw conservatives taking action to defend themselves from external threats. Now, we see people seeking mental counseling help for internal threats. While NYC shrinks are filling their calendars with appointments, sales of firearms are expected to decline with Trump in office.

Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss

Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as “the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump’s obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust.”

As an example of media bias, Podesta cited “the superficial attention given to Trump’s taxes and his connections to Russia. Despite our repeated efforts to help them focus on the message we wanted to convey on these issues they got side-tracked by the Wikileaks invasion of my private communications. My emails were obtained illegally and would not have been admissible in a court of law. In a just world the content of these emails would have been suppressed.”

Podesta also named the Obama Administration “an accessory in this miscarriage of justice. At the very least, the Department of Justice should have issued a ‘gag order’ barring newspapers, TV networks, and radio stations from mentioning any of the contents in any of these emails. Instead, FBI Director James Comey was allowed to enumerate a list of infractions that gave the impression that Clinton was guilty of some sort of crime for operating a non-secure system, destroying public documents, and lying about it. This was a betrayal of the first magnitude.”

Long-time Clinton crony Sidney Blumenthal offered some sympathy for Comey, calling him “the victim of a conspiracy of right-wing FBI agents who staged a coup d’etat against the rightful rulers of this country. Comey tried to protect Hillary from these traitors, but was thwarted by pressure from them ridiculously insisting that she be treated the same as any other person under the law.”

President Obama blamed Facebook. “By essentially allowing anyone to post whatever they wanted to on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg neglected his responsibility to police the forum and block the publication of erroneous ideas,” Obama complained. “I know he contends that his algorithms were designed to divert attention away from these erroneous ideas, but clearly that wasn’t adequate. Millions of people were still able, through persistence, to find these posts and be influenced by them to cast incorrect ballots. This is something that has to be fixed before the next election.”

Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would “not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford’s similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don’t jail losing candidates.”

“Governing is not a business for the squeamish,” Earnest added. “Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people may be necessary for maintaining order and continuity among those elevated to rule the nation. Punishing members of the governing class for undertaking the distasteful tasks necessary would be too disruptive to the peaceful transfer of power.”

France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election

French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president.

French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.”

French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of us avoiding the election of Marine Le Pen next year.”

A despondent German Chancellor Angela Merkel wondered “who will now help bear the burden of accepting Muslim gropers, molesters, and rapists? Secretary Clinton gave many assurances that significant numbers would be admitted to the United States if she was elected. Trump promises to block all those who can’t be properly vetted. This may end the post-World War II alliance between our two countries.”

In related news, the Muslim Brotherhood labeled Trump’s election “a disaster for our hopes of creating a new global caliphate. Our opportunity to penetrate America will be drastically curtailed and our fighters trapped within the confines of Europe and Asia.”

NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database

New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.”

The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot like Trump is in line to be president.”

DeBlasio proclaimed himself “unafraid of what a President Trump might do. Congress will never allow him to cut federal aid to sanctuary cities. And the FBI is already on record declaring that the deletion of public data by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was not a prosecutable offense. So, there’s precedent protecting our action. I don’t see what leverage Trump could have to try to enforce compliance with his new policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Reflections on the Elections

Most amazing: President-elect Trump’s rallies in numerous states were amazing. It appeared in several states that he would lose, but then he came roaring on to take them in the latter stages of vote counting. We were appalled at some of Trump’s behavior in past years, but we are confident that with friends like Dr. Ben Carson and Franklin Graham standing with him, he is a changed man. He has the potential to undue much of the horrific damage done to the nation by Barack Hussein Obama.

Most shocking: What, are you kidding? No Democratic lawsuits, no challenges over votes, no demands for recounts? When you get whipped that badly, not even Democrat lawyers can muck up the works enough to contest an election. And the Dems were no doubt over-confident that they’d win the presidency outright and would not actually need to resort to their usual dirty tricks. About the only weasel works evident were Democrat attempts to run to courts and beg judges to extend voting hours. Thank goodness, these attempts were rebuffed.

Most appalling: The civil unrest that’s followed. What are high schools and colleges teaching these truant students? That when things don’t go your way, when you suffer disappointments, you walk out of school and throw a hissy fit. You need an emotional support dog. You disobey law enforcement officers by blocking streets. You riot. You damage other people’s property. You sign a petition demanding the election results be overturned. Bottom line? You do not prepare these kids for the work place. Try these stunts on work time and you’ll be out of a job. Life is full of disappointments. Grow up.

Least surprising: A stand-up president would call for order, civility and calmness in the cities under siege by rioters. A leader in the White House would urge restraint and respect for the transition of power and for other people’s property. But that’s not what we have in the man in the White House. A real leader would be working with cities to quell the riots and beef up security with the National Guard. This president is weak and inept.

Highly disgusting: So-called “newscasters”  at ABC Channel 15 in Phoenix participated in an election commercial aimed at making a Republican congressional candidate look bad. The commercial accused Paul Babeu of mistreating students years ago as the headmaster at a school in Massachusetts. No less than four ABC “newscasters” were shown scowling during the hit piece, clearly trying to cast a pall on Babeu. Totally unethical, improper and inappropriate.

Highly alarming: Radical leftist George Soros threw his big fat wallet into Arizona and took down legendary Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The Obama Administration had been attacking Arpaio in the courts for years. He’s an impediment to the Democrat-sponsored border invasion designed to bring in new voters. And he had to go. They finally got him. Soros is never up for election, so we can’t vote out the war chest he’s using to attack America at its foundations.

Mostly gone: In two years from now we must defeat Secretary of State Michelle Reagan in the GOP primary. She has proven incompetent in her election performance, not able to master the technology, which delays voting results. The scary thing is that this pro-abortion leftist is a heartbeat away from the governor’s office, and the secretary of state’s office has been a springboard for some future governors. We can do better than this. We need a good conservative leader to take out Reagan in the 2018 primary election.

Welcome newcomer: Hey, Andy Biggs, welcome to Congress! As the successor to Matt Salmon in the East Valley congressional district, we are overjoyed at your election and know you’ll do a great job! Congratulations, also, to incumbents winning re-election: Trent Franks, David Schweikert, Martha McSally and Paul Gosar. We still to regain the seat in northeastern Arizona.

Abominable: We are indebted to the voters who rejected Prop 205 and stopped the national wave of marijuana legalization in Arizona. The commercials claiming marijuana would help children’s education were nothing short of abominable. Unconscionable! Unfortunately Prop 206 passed, raising the minimum wage, and that will really hurt small businesses and people seeking part-time work. The state’s new minimum wage is untenable for many businesses and they’ll hire fewer people, likely let others go. Bad move, voters.

2016 Arizona General Election Results


Trump — 709,125

Clinton — 665,125










































PROP 205



PROP 206









Hillary’s Unsecure Email System Breached

By   John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFBI agents examining the trove of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on a lap-top computer seized from sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly have discovered that the emails show signs of being hacked on multiple occasions. Among the suspected hackers are China, Germany, Russia and South Korea.

Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook contends that “this proves what we’ve been saying all along. It’s good that a source as reputable as the FBI has corroborated that it is the Russians who’ve been meddling in our election and why America’s future security is dependent upon the election of a proven leader like Secretary Clinton as our next president.”

FBI Director James Comey declined to offer any details regarding the ongoing criminal investigation into Secretary Clinton’s illegal email set-up, but did call Mook’s assertion “an inaccurate characterization of the status of what we have gleaned from Mr. Weiner’s device.”

In related news, Huma Abedin, Hillary confidante and wife to Weiner, has been tasked by the campaign to atone for her role in the scandal by raising more money to supplement the billion dollar effort to elect Clinton. At a fund-raiser at the north-west Washington home of Constance Milstein, a $5,000 donation will entitle the giver to a “selfie” photograph with Abedin. Millionaire Democrat donor Dennis Mann says he “can’t wait. This is the biggest scandal in American history. Paying a mere $5,000 to be photographed with a key confederate like Huma is an opportunity not to be missed.”

DOD to Reform Army Recruitment

This week Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter announced his “vision” for the Army of the future. As Carter sees it “the armed forces need to represent a better cross section of the population. Right now too many of our recruits are rednecks and gun nuts. As President Obama is fond of saying, ‘this is not who we are as a country.’”

In order to move toward a more representative mix in the US military Carter vows “to enlist more people with different lifestyles.” The different lifestyles under consideration include the obese, drug addicts, transgenders, and single moms. “Excluding these different people guarantees that our troops will not resemble our population,” the secretary pointed out. “By being more inclusive we will show this country’s enemies that they face our total population, not just those who are fit to fight.”

“The flip side, of course, is opening up all the benefits of military service to people, who quite frankly, could use it,” the secretary said. “The medical care for those on active duty exceeds anything that Obamacare can provide. There’s no deductible. There’s no limit on how much can be spent on any individual. Considering that overweight people have more health problems and that many transgenders can’t afford genital reconstruction surgery, the option of having the government take care of you has to be attractive to these groups.”

In a similar move, the Obama Administration’s Advancing Diversity in Law Enforcement initiative is pushing 18,000 law enforcement agencies at the state and local levels to hire drug abusers and ex-cons as a way to recruit more officers from “underrepresented communities.” Vanita Gupta, Deputy Assistant Attorney General for civil rights for the US Department of Justice, called “these victims of white man’s justice a prime untapped resource for achieving a more progressive society. Their experiences from the other side will be invaluable as we march forward toward a brighter tomorrow.”

Obama Warns Voters “Trump Is Not One of Us”

In his last push on behalf of electing Hillary Clinton our next president, President Obama sought to paint her GOP opponent Donald Trump as “other.”

“Donald Trump is not a regular guy,” Obama said. “He doesn’t drink the same beer you do. He doesn’t drink any kind of beer or other alcoholic beverage. He may have been a TV star, but all your favorite TV and movie stars hate him. I’m the one they like and I’m telling you to vote for Hillary.”

Obama also contrasted “Trump’s money-grubbing career as a billion-dollar real estate tycoon” with “Hillary’s life of public service. He piled up a fortune by forcing people to pay to stay in his hotels. Hillary left the White House dead broke and would have died penniless if grateful people from all parts of the world hadn’t given her millions to continue her public service as a senator and secretary of state.”

“The choice is clear,” Obama said. “Do you want to risk taking a chance on an unproven and inexperienced outsider like Trump? Or do you want to ensure that we stay the course I have led the country on for these past eight years? The future of America and the world depends on how you vote on November 8th.”

Contrary to the Democrats’ efforts to portray Trump and his supporters as “deplorables,” a study just released by the Pew Research Center found that “Donald Trump’s supporters are more tolerant, open-minded, respectful and understanding than are Hillary Clinton’s supporters.”

“It’s not at all what I would’ve expected,” remarked MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Clinton’s backers are the ones with liberal arts degrees. The meme is that college education makes you more tolerant. The only explanation that makes sense is that the Trump supporters are justifiably tolerant of their social betters and the Clinton supporters are justifiably intolerant of the social inferiors who make up the bulk of Trump’s supporters.”

However, another possible explanation is that while Trump has narrowly focused his attacks on a “crooked” Hillary, she, in turn, has broadly demeaned Trump supporters as “dark, divisive, and dangerous.” It is possible that Trump’s supporters are more tolerant of Hillary’s supporters because they see them as fellow victims of her crimes and deserving of some sympathy. Perhaps Clinton’s scurrilous denigration of Trump’s supporters is a factor in her supporters instigating violence at Trump rallies.

In related news, music producer and singer Pharrell Williams urged women to vote for Hillary because “she’s no more dishonest than you are. Sure she’s lied, but who hasn’t? Men have screwed this country up since the beginning. It’s time a woman is given a chance.”

White House Happy with Brazile

Despite Wikileaks evidence showing that Donna Brazile helped Hillary Clinton cheat against rival Bernie Sanders during the Democratic primaries by covertly passing questions to her ahead of debates, Press Secretary-Josh Earnest maintains that she has President Obama’s full support as chairperson of the DNC.

“The president is loyal to his friends,” Earnest insisted. “The fact that Donna has been fired by CNN for besmirching their integrity has only stiffened his resolve to stand by her. Look, what she did is no worse than a baseball team stealing another team’s signs. It’s all part of the game. It’s not her fault that Bernie and his crew didn’t have the enterprise to cultivate their own inside contacts at the networks. Their lack of preparation shouldn’t be used as an excuse to pillory long-time public servants like Donna and Hillary.”

“The key thing is to win,” Earnest added. “If you win you have the power to make whatever you had to do legal. If you lose you’re left on the outside begging for crumbs from the winner. Donna didn’t just choose to back the winner. She went the extra mile to help make that happen in what turned out to be a very close race. She is the kind of person the President is proud to have on our side.”

Wikileaks Expose Documents Showing “Intent”

In July, FBI Director James Comey enumerated a list of crimes for which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton could’ve been prosecuted if only there were evidence of “intent.” He settled for labeling her deceptive practices regarding classified communications as “extraordinarily careless.”

This past week’s Wikileaks document unveiling included two emails indicating that Clinton’s henchmen were actively pursuing steps to hide her crimes. In one email, campaign chairman John Podesta says “we are going to have to dump all those emails.” In another, Clinton aide Cheryl Mills orders technicians running the illegal email system to delete undesired emails with “Bleach Bit.”

Podesta attempted to assert that “dump” could’ve meant to publish the emails. “Every week we see Friday afternoon ‘dumps’ of information by the Obama Administration,” he pointed out. “Who’s to say that I didn’t intend for our technicians to publish those 33,000 emails?” Perhaps the fact that the emails were not published might be indicative of Podesta’s real intent to have them deleted.

For her part, Mills contends that her mention of Bleach Bit “was merely part of a process brainstorming options for dealing with the problem. How was I to know the IT guys would actually implement this option?” In the face of one of the technicians’ concerns that “this whole thing is really covering up a lot of shady sh*t,” the notion that hired IT guys would, on their own initiative, “bleach” the emails out of Hillary’s hard drive without instructions to do so from the person who hired them seems dubious.

In related news, in another Wikileaks exposed email Podesta expressed dismay that Chelsea Clinton “would air our dirty laundry by confiding her fears about the financial irregularities at the Foundation with one of Bush’s daughters. This is not smart. Then again, her mother has made some amazingly stupid decisions. So I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”

Clinton Campaign Questions FBI Release

This week the FBI released a file with information regarding former President Bill Clinton’s pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich in 2001. Rich was under indictment on 65 criminal counts, including income tax evasion, wire fraud, racketeering, and trading with Iran during the oil embargo. Subsequent to receiving the pardon, Rich paid a million dollars to the Clintons.

Clinton campaign press secretary Brian Fallon accused the FBI of “wrongfully trying to influence the election,” characterized the seeming bribe for the pardon as “a coincidence,” and complained that “even if it was a bribe, the statute of limitations on that crime has long since expired.”

An FBI spokesman described the release as “a routine response to a Freedom of Information Request. The statute of limitations on the case is expired. Mr. Rich is dead. There will be no prosecution. So there is no legal grounds for withholding this public record.”

Biden Says Hillary Faces Unfair “Double Standard”

Vice-President Joe Biden assailed what he says is an unfair “double standard” when it comes to judging Hillary Clinton’s “authenticity and trustworthiness.”

“Look, when her husband was running for president voters overlooked the Whitewater scam and all the women he molested and let him be president,” Biden remembered. “They lowered the bar for him. In a just world they’d give a similar pass to Hillary. But no, every little misstep is being held against her by a biased media aided and abetted by a rogue FBI.”

“They say she lies,” Biden added. “What politician doesn’t lie? Bill lied about Monica. Harry Reid lied about Romney. Barack lied about keeping your doctor. It happens. We don’t hold it against the brave men and women who must make great sacrifices to run the country.”

“I say she’s paid her dues waiting in line for her turn at the top,” Biden declared. “Letting her have that turn will enable us to repay the enormous debt this nation owes her for three decades of public service.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Climate Fanatics Indoctrinating Children on Falsehoods

The Weather Channel is now indoctrinating children to lecture to their parents about so-called “global warming.” But here are some inconvenient facts for these left-wing alarmists:

The scientific reality is that on virtually every claim — from A to Z — the promoters of manmade climate fears are falling short or going in the opposite direction.

  • Global temperatures have been virtually flat for about 18 years according to satellite data, and peer-reviewed literature is now scaling back predictions of future warming. 
  • The U.S. has had no Category 3 or larger hurricane make landfall since 2005 – the longest spell since the Civil War. 
  • Strong F3 or larger tornadoes have been in decline since the 1970s. 
  • Despite claims of snow being ‘a thing of the past,’ cold season snowfall has been rising. 
  • Sea level rise rates have been steady for over a century, with recent deceleration.   
  • Droughts and floods are neither historically unusual nor caused by mankind, and there is no evidence we are currently having any unusual weather. 
  • So-called hottest year claims are based on year-to-year temperature data that differs by only a few HUNDREDTHS of a degree to tenths of a degree Fahrenheit – differences that are within the margin of error in the data. In other words, global temperatures have essentially held very steady with no sign of acceleration. 
  • A 2015 NASA study found Antarctica was NOT losing ice mass and ‘not currently contributing to sea level rise.’ 
  • 2016 Arctic sea ice was 22 percent greater than the recent low point of 2012. The Arctic sea ice is now in a 10-year ‘pause’ with ‘no significant change in the past decade.’   
  • Deaths due to extreme weather have declined dramatically. 
  • Polar bears are doing fine, with their numbers way up since the 1960s.

    Have climate change skeptics lost the climate debate?

    No! Climate skepticism enjoys huge popularity in polling data, and every time a climate bill has come before the U.S. Congress it has failed to pass. There never was any real climate debate! One of the key reasons climate fear proponents don’t want to debate is what happened during a pivotal high-profile debate in 2007 in New York City, where skeptics were voted the clear winners against global warming proponents.
    NASA’s Gavin Schmidt appeared so demoralized at losing that debate that he announced debates equally split between believers in a climate ‘crisis’ and scientific skeptics are probably not “worthwhile” to ever agree to again. And climate change promoters listened, with debates becoming rarer and rarer.
    In fact, instead of engaging in debates, prominent climate activists now call for jailing skeptics. Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., declared he wanted to jail his climate skeptics.  “They ought to be serving time for it,” Kennedy said in 2014.

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