By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
FBI agents examining the trove of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on a lap-top computer seized from sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly have discovered that the emails show signs of being hacked on multiple occasions. Among the suspected hackers are China, Germany, Russia and South Korea.
Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook contends that “this proves what we’ve been saying all along. It’s good that a source as reputable as the FBI has corroborated that it is the Russians who’ve been meddling in our election and why America’s future security is dependent upon the election of a proven leader like Secretary Clinton as our next president.”
FBI Director James Comey declined to offer any details regarding the ongoing criminal investigation into Secretary Clinton’s illegal email set-up, but did call Mook’s assertion “an inaccurate characterization of the status of what we have gleaned from Mr. Weiner’s device.”
In related news, Huma Abedin, Hillary confidante and wife to Weiner, has been tasked by the campaign to atone for her role in the scandal by raising more money to supplement the billion dollar effort to elect Clinton. At a fund-raiser at the north-west Washington home of Constance Milstein, a $5,000 donation will entitle the giver to a “selfie” photograph with Abedin. Millionaire Democrat donor Dennis Mann says he “can’t wait. This is the biggest scandal in American history. Paying a mere $5,000 to be photographed with a key confederate like Huma is an opportunity not to be missed.”
DOD to Reform Army Recruitment
This week Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter announced his “vision” for the Army of the future. As Carter sees it “the armed forces need to represent a better cross section of the population. Right now too many of our recruits are rednecks and gun nuts. As President Obama is fond of saying, ‘this is not who we are as a country.’”
In order to move toward a more representative mix in the US military Carter vows “to enlist more people with different lifestyles.” The different lifestyles under consideration include the obese, drug addicts, transgenders, and single moms. “Excluding these different people guarantees that our troops will not resemble our population,” the secretary pointed out. “By being more inclusive we will show this country’s enemies that they face our total population, not just those who are fit to fight.”
“The flip side, of course, is opening up all the benefits of military service to people, who quite frankly, could use it,” the secretary said. “The medical care for those on active duty exceeds anything that Obamacare can provide. There’s no deductible. There’s no limit on how much can be spent on any individual. Considering that overweight people have more health problems and that many transgenders can’t afford genital reconstruction surgery, the option of having the government take care of you has to be attractive to these groups.”
In a similar move, the Obama Administration’s Advancing Diversity in Law Enforcement initiative is pushing 18,000 law enforcement agencies at the state and local levels to hire drug abusers and ex-cons as a way to recruit more officers from “underrepresented communities.” Vanita Gupta, Deputy Assistant Attorney General for civil rights for the US Department of Justice, called “these victims of white man’s justice a prime untapped resource for achieving a more progressive society. Their experiences from the other side will be invaluable as we march forward toward a brighter tomorrow.”
Obama Warns Voters “Trump Is Not One of Us”
In his last push on behalf of electing Hillary Clinton our next president, President Obama sought to paint her GOP opponent Donald Trump as “other.”
“Donald Trump is not a regular guy,” Obama said. “He doesn’t drink the same beer you do. He doesn’t drink any kind of beer or other alcoholic beverage. He may have been a TV star, but all your favorite TV and movie stars hate him. I’m the one they like and I’m telling you to vote for Hillary.”
Obama also contrasted “Trump’s money-grubbing career as a billion-dollar real estate tycoon” with “Hillary’s life of public service. He piled up a fortune by forcing people to pay to stay in his hotels. Hillary left the White House dead broke and would have died penniless if grateful people from all parts of the world hadn’t given her millions to continue her public service as a senator and secretary of state.”
“The choice is clear,” Obama said. “Do you want to risk taking a chance on an unproven and inexperienced outsider like Trump? Or do you want to ensure that we stay the course I have led the country on for these past eight years? The future of America and the world depends on how you vote on November 8th.”
Contrary to the Democrats’ efforts to portray Trump and his supporters as “deplorables,” a study just released by the Pew Research Center found that “Donald Trump’s supporters are more tolerant, open-minded, respectful and understanding than are Hillary Clinton’s supporters.”
“It’s not at all what I would’ve expected,” remarked MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Clinton’s backers are the ones with liberal arts degrees. The meme is that college education makes you more tolerant. The only explanation that makes sense is that the Trump supporters are justifiably tolerant of their social betters and the Clinton supporters are justifiably intolerant of the social inferiors who make up the bulk of Trump’s supporters.”
However, another possible explanation is that while Trump has narrowly focused his attacks on a “crooked” Hillary, she, in turn, has broadly demeaned Trump supporters as “dark, divisive, and dangerous.” It is possible that Trump’s supporters are more tolerant of Hillary’s supporters because they see them as fellow victims of her crimes and deserving of some sympathy. Perhaps Clinton’s scurrilous denigration of Trump’s supporters is a factor in her supporters instigating violence at Trump rallies.
In related news, music producer and singer Pharrell Williams urged women to vote for Hillary because “she’s no more dishonest than you are. Sure she’s lied, but who hasn’t? Men have screwed this country up since the beginning. It’s time a woman is given a chance.”
White House Happy with Brazile
Despite Wikileaks evidence showing that Donna Brazile helped Hillary Clinton cheat against rival Bernie Sanders during the Democratic primaries by covertly passing questions to her ahead of debates, Press Secretary-Josh Earnest maintains that she has President Obama’s full support as chairperson of the DNC.
“The president is loyal to his friends,” Earnest insisted. “The fact that Donna has been fired by CNN for besmirching their integrity has only stiffened his resolve to stand by her. Look, what she did is no worse than a baseball team stealing another team’s signs. It’s all part of the game. It’s not her fault that Bernie and his crew didn’t have the enterprise to cultivate their own inside contacts at the networks. Their lack of preparation shouldn’t be used as an excuse to pillory long-time public servants like Donna and Hillary.”
“The key thing is to win,” Earnest added. “If you win you have the power to make whatever you had to do legal. If you lose you’re left on the outside begging for crumbs from the winner. Donna didn’t just choose to back the winner. She went the extra mile to help make that happen in what turned out to be a very close race. She is the kind of person the President is proud to have on our side.”
Wikileaks Expose Documents Showing “Intent”
In July, FBI Director James Comey enumerated a list of crimes for which former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton could’ve been prosecuted if only there were evidence of “intent.” He settled for labeling her deceptive practices regarding classified communications as “extraordinarily careless.”
This past week’s Wikileaks document unveiling included two emails indicating that Clinton’s henchmen were actively pursuing steps to hide her crimes. In one email, campaign chairman John Podesta says “we are going to have to dump all those emails.” In another, Clinton aide Cheryl Mills orders technicians running the illegal email system to delete undesired emails with “Bleach Bit.”
Podesta attempted to assert that “dump” could’ve meant to publish the emails. “Every week we see Friday afternoon ‘dumps’ of information by the Obama Administration,” he pointed out. “Who’s to say that I didn’t intend for our technicians to publish those 33,000 emails?” Perhaps the fact that the emails were not published might be indicative of Podesta’s real intent to have them deleted.
For her part, Mills contends that her mention of Bleach Bit “was merely part of a process brainstorming options for dealing with the problem. How was I to know the IT guys would actually implement this option?” In the face of one of the technicians’ concerns that “this whole thing is really covering up a lot of shady sh*t,” the notion that hired IT guys would, on their own initiative, “bleach” the emails out of Hillary’s hard drive without instructions to do so from the person who hired them seems dubious.
In related news, in another Wikileaks exposed email Podesta expressed dismay that Chelsea Clinton “would air our dirty laundry by confiding her fears about the financial irregularities at the Foundation with one of Bush’s daughters. This is not smart. Then again, her mother has made some amazingly stupid decisions. So I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”
Clinton Campaign Questions FBI Release
This week the FBI released a file with information regarding former President Bill Clinton’s pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich in 2001. Rich was under indictment on 65 criminal counts, including income tax evasion, wire fraud, racketeering, and trading with Iran during the oil embargo. Subsequent to receiving the pardon, Rich paid a million dollars to the Clintons.
Clinton campaign press secretary Brian Fallon accused the FBI of “wrongfully trying to influence the election,” characterized the seeming bribe for the pardon as “a coincidence,” and complained that “even if it was a bribe, the statute of limitations on that crime has long since expired.”
An FBI spokesman described the release as “a routine response to a Freedom of Information Request. The statute of limitations on the case is expired. Mr. Rich is dead. There will be no prosecution. So there is no legal grounds for withholding this public record.”
Biden Says Hillary Faces Unfair “Double Standard”
Vice-President Joe Biden assailed what he says is an unfair “double standard” when it comes to judging Hillary Clinton’s “authenticity and trustworthiness.”
“Look, when her husband was running for president voters overlooked the Whitewater scam and all the women he molested and let him be president,” Biden remembered. “They lowered the bar for him. In a just world they’d give a similar pass to Hillary. But no, every little misstep is being held against her by a biased media aided and abetted by a rogue FBI.”
“They say she lies,” Biden added. “What politician doesn’t lie? Bill lied about Monica. Harry Reid lied about Romney. Barack lied about keeping your doctor. It happens. We don’t hold it against the brave men and women who must make great sacrifices to run the country.”
“I say she’s paid her dues waiting in line for her turn at the top,” Biden declared. “Letting her have that turn will enable us to repay the enormous debt this nation owes her for three decades of public service.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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