Trump Win Sparks Left-Wing Protests

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDonald Trump’s surprising upset win over his heavily favored Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has sparked disturbing responses from some of her supporters. In Oakland, California anti-Trump protesters battled with police and set a squad car on fire. In Los Angeles, a protester ominously predicted “there will be casualties…because people have to die to make a change in this world.” In Portland, Oregon, rioters vandalized businesses. On Twitter the “hashtag” #assassinateTrump is trending.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, called on President Obama and Hillary Clinton to ask their supporters to refrain from violence. “We didn’t see this kind of violent response from Republicans when President Obama was elected in 2008 and 2012,” Conway pointed out. “The very least the leaders of the Democratic Party should do is urge their followers to confine themselves to peaceful and legal means of expressing their opinions.”

Thus far, Obama and Clinton have remained mum, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest reassured the media that “President Obama’s position that Trump is uniquely unqualified hasn’t changed. That there should be widespread outrage that a person with such poor suitability might be the next president shouldn’t be surprising. Carrying this outrage into the streets is a natural expression of views protected by the First Amendment.”

Meanwhile, presumed front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren defended the protests as “a justifiable response to a Trump campaign fueled by racism and bigotry. People are upset and they’re right to be upset. The damage done breaking a few windows and roughing up a few suspected Trump voters is far less than the damage that will be done by a Trump Administration.”

Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) asserted that “the election of Donald Trump has emboldened the forces of hate and bigotry in America.” Lest anyone think he might be condemning the anti-Trump rioters, Reid maintains that “innocent African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, LGBT Americans and Asian Americans are now living in fear of their own government and their fellow Americans.” A fear that he argues is “entirely rational.” Reid concluded by laying the responsibility for restoring order on Trump who, he says “could immediately defuse the situation by conceding the election to Hillary Clinton. She won the popular vote. More people want her to be president than want Trump to be president.”

In related news, the demand for psychiatric services in New York City soared after Trump’s victory. Local Dr. Fran Tichman was giddy over the boom in business. “New Yorkers already have above average incidences of emotional issues. Many are living on the edge of mental breakdown. The recent election has pushed these people over the brink.”

The contrast with the right-wing surge to buy guns during the Obama Administration is profound. At that time, we saw conservatives taking action to defend themselves from external threats. Now, we see people seeking mental counseling help for internal threats. While NYC shrinks are filling their calendars with appointments, sales of firearms are expected to decline with Trump in office.

Democrats Seeking Scapegoat for Loss

Reeling from the shock of an unanticipated election defeat, Clinton Campaign chairman John Podesta, whose emails detailing rampant cheating and corruption by the Democratic National Committee and its chosen candidate were exposed by Wikileaks, blamed media bias in favor of Trump as “the main reason we lost. Their refusal to give adequate coverage to Trump’s obvious unfitness combined with their unfair and relentless scrutiny of every little misstep made by Secretary Clinton poisoned her reputation was a stab in the back by people we thought we could trust.”

As an example of media bias, Podesta cited “the superficial attention given to Trump’s taxes and his connections to Russia. Despite our repeated efforts to help them focus on the message we wanted to convey on these issues they got side-tracked by the Wikileaks invasion of my private communications. My emails were obtained illegally and would not have been admissible in a court of law. In a just world the content of these emails would have been suppressed.”

Podesta also named the Obama Administration “an accessory in this miscarriage of justice. At the very least, the Department of Justice should have issued a ‘gag order’ barring newspapers, TV networks, and radio stations from mentioning any of the contents in any of these emails. Instead, FBI Director James Comey was allowed to enumerate a list of infractions that gave the impression that Clinton was guilty of some sort of crime for operating a non-secure system, destroying public documents, and lying about it. This was a betrayal of the first magnitude.”

Long-time Clinton crony Sidney Blumenthal offered some sympathy for Comey, calling him “the victim of a conspiracy of right-wing FBI agents who staged a coup d’etat against the rightful rulers of this country. Comey tried to protect Hillary from these traitors, but was thwarted by pressure from them ridiculously insisting that she be treated the same as any other person under the law.”

President Obama blamed Facebook. “By essentially allowing anyone to post whatever they wanted to on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg neglected his responsibility to police the forum and block the publication of erroneous ideas,” Obama complained. “I know he contends that his algorithms were designed to divert attention away from these erroneous ideas, but clearly that wasn’t adequate. Millions of people were still able, through persistence, to find these posts and be influenced by them to cast incorrect ballots. This is something that has to be fixed before the next election.”

Obama Pondering Pardoning Clinton

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest expressed confidence that President Obama would “not let emotional outbursts by people understandably distraught over the election deter him from pardoning Hillary and those other public servants for any crimes they may have committed in the course of performing their duties. The template for such a pardon was established by President Ford’s similar pardon for Nixon. And as Hillary pointed out in one of the debates, in America we don’t jail losing candidates.”

“Governing is not a business for the squeamish,” Earnest added. “Actions that might be regarded as appalling if done by ordinary people may be necessary for maintaining order and continuity among those elevated to rule the nation. Punishing members of the governing class for undertaking the distasteful tasks necessary would be too disruptive to the peaceful transfer of power.”

France and Germany Rattled by Trump’s Election

French and German officials expressed concern over the election of Donald Trump as the next US president.

French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault called Trump’s triumph over Clinton “a shock to the system. Trump’s insistence that we must pay for our own defense is an unprecedented deviation from the post WWII consensus.”

French President Francois Hollande, languishing with a pathetic 4% approval rating, feared that “the success of Mr. Trump may be a harbinger of a resurgent right-wing in France. If a nation with only a tiny fraction of Muslim immigrants installs Trump there would seem to be little chance of us avoiding the election of Marine Le Pen next year.”

A despondent German Chancellor Angela Merkel wondered “who will now help bear the burden of accepting Muslim gropers, molesters, and rapists? Secretary Clinton gave many assurances that significant numbers would be admitted to the United States if she was elected. Trump promises to block all those who can’t be properly vetted. This may end the post-World War II alliance between our two countries.”

In related news, the Muslim Brotherhood labeled Trump’s election “a disaster for our hopes of creating a new global caliphate. Our opportunity to penetrate America will be drastically curtailed and our fighters trapped within the confines of Europe and Asia.”

NYC Mayor to Delete Illegal Alien Database

New York City’s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio says he will order the deletion of the database of 850,000 illegal aliens residing in his city “to protect them from any enforcement action President Trump may attempt after he takes office.”

The database was established as part of deBlasio’s initiative to issue ID cards to those in the country illegally “so they can live normal lives like any other American. New York has been and will remain a sanctuary city. If it was important when a friendly Administration was in charge in Washington, it is crucial now that a hostile bigot like Trump is in line to be president.”

DeBlasio proclaimed himself “unafraid of what a President Trump might do. Congress will never allow him to cut federal aid to sanctuary cities. And the FBI is already on record declaring that the deletion of public data by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was not a prosecutable offense. So, there’s precedent protecting our action. I don’t see what leverage Trump could have to try to enforce compliance with his new policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

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