John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Customers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck’s coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name “Trump” to be written on his order.
“This used to be a safe space,” said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an “I’m with her” t-shirt. “That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us.”
Customer, Marcus Child admitted to “trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human history has just seen her dreams shattered by a wave of bigotry from the deplorable voters who backed a fascist takeover of this country.”
Weeping and trembling weren’t the only activities underway during this terrifying incident. One of the victims covertly called the police on the 911 line. Ten minutes later police arrived to confront the man who inspired the widespread angst. He seemed oddly calm and unaware as he drank his coffee and fiddled with his cell
As it turned out, the man’s name is John Trump. He, like most of his fellow Portlandians, voted for Hillary Clinton. Nevertheless, he was apologetic for his inadvertent aggression. “I’m disappointed too, but its just an election,” he said. “There’ll be another one in a few years. I guess in hindsight I should’ve used my first name. It’s just that ‘John’ is so common. I was afraid my order might get mixed up with another customer’s.”
Police advised John Trump to consider bearing the risk of order mix-ups for a while, “at least until the terror stemming from Donald Trump’s being elected president subsides a bit.”
In related news, anti-Trump protesters outside the Trump Hotel in Washington, DC called for Donald’s wife Melania to be raped. How this fits with the the protesters’ contention that Trump is the advocate of hate remains a mystery.
Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome
A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that “people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country.” Part of that “good” may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they “vote wrong.”
Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for “the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and bigotry left those of us who love America with no choice but to take extreme measures to try to overturn the erroneous voting results. I call upon Mr. Trump to do the right thing and step down to allow the winner of the popular vote to take office.”
Outgoing President Obama says he takes “comfort in the fortitude of those marching in protest of Donald Trump’s apparent electoral victory. Many of those demonstrating their displeasure missed the opportunity to vote on election day. It is encouraging to see that they haven’t given up and are going the extra mile while there is still a chance to correct the mistake made by those who did vote.”
The head of the Los Angeles office for the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Hussam Ayloush, called for Muslims “to overthrow the government now that it is no longer friendly toward our objectives.”
In related news, the Democratic Party, looking to lock up the Muslim vote in future elections, seems set to install Minnesota Representative Keith Ellison as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Ellison has been endorsed by both outgoing Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (NY) as “a strong progressive who will bring new thinking to the DNC.”
Obama Endorses Merkel
US President Barack Obama’s farewell tour of Europe saw him heaping fulsome praise on Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel this week.
The President called her “an outstanding partner” and said “her assistance in fighting global warming, negotiating the Iranian deal, and standing up to Russian aggression has been critical to the progress we have made. Her decision to welcome over a million Muslim refugees is, I believe, a strategic move of immense significance. Muslims are among the fiercest fighters in world history. If Germany had been Muslim in the 1940s the outcome of World War II might well have been different. What’s past is past, but the future is looking brighter because of what she has done.”
Obama also hailed “Germany’s achievement of a new domestic model of a multicultural society where the best of eastern reproductive fecundity and the western work ethic are being mixed into a dynamic synthesis that will change forever the way we perceive social justice. I just wish I could vote for her.”
Whether Obama’s praise and endorsement will help Merkel in the coming elections is questionable. In recent by-elections in Berlin, Merkel’s Christian Democrats were beaten by candidates from the anti-immigrant Alternative for Germany party. It appears that actual Germans aren’t as keen on the idea of Islamizing the country as Merkel and Obama seem to be.
In related news, a translator working with Muslim refugees in Germany says that when talking amongst themselves, “they express hatred and contempt for Christians and boast they will out breed them and claim Germany for Allah.”
Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump’s efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. “He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here,” Graham warned. “But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans.”
Graham found Trump’s idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS “frightening. Russia has been this country’s adversary for longer than I’ve been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They’re dangerous. ISIS is a ‘johnny-come-lately’ phenomenon. They have no nuclear weapons. They are far less dangerous. President Obama’s strategy of aiding ISIS as a counterbalance to Russia strikes me as the wiser policy option. I will do everything I can to try to sustain this course of action.”
“From my perspective, President Obama has done a damn good job,” Graham insisted. “I’m not going to stand by and allow all the good work he’s accomplished be undone. The advances made toward recognizing the inherent gender fluidity of life are, by themselves, the most important achievement in our nation’s history. We will never be able to thank him enough for this signature success.”
Google Promises to Censor “Fake News”
Acknowledging that “our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of ‘fake news,’” Google’s chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised “to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future.”
Pichai was especially hard on himself “for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our users to publish them. That illegally obtained documents would be permitted to poison voters’ opinion of Secretary Clinton’s honesty and suitability was a travesty. This never would have happened in the days when all the news was filtered through iconic reporters like Cronkite and Brokaw.”
The Google executive admitted to uncertainty about “how to fight against ideological pollution,” but assured that “we will do whatever it takes to clean things up. However, since we can’t guarantee that every fake news story can be effectively blocked ahead of time it would be helpful if penalties could be imposed on those who slip past our safeguards.”
Meanwhile, the New York Times—a leading purveyor of fake news—desperately begged readers to stop canceling their subscriptions and promised to cease fabricating the news in the future. Odds-makers are doubtful this strategy will work. “Only a fool would bet on a liar to tell the truth if given a second chance,” said one anonymous source.
Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City
Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.”
For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage.
Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the worst of the worst “a camouflage for the real aim of deporting prospective Democrat voters. I think that most Latinos are willing to accept a few casualties as a reasonable price to pay for the gains that can be attained from being granted an electoral franchise.”