Sanders Says American Poor Worse off than Poor Anywhere Else

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnDespite the fact that the living standards of those in poverty in the United States exceed the standards of the middle class in most countries, recent Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted that “America’s record is worse than virtually any other country on Earth.”

A lot of people have been bad-mouthing Venezuela because of shortages of essentials and their high cost,” Sanders said. “But the people are united by their equality. No one is allowed to hoard more than his fair share. And say what you will about Stalin’s Soviet Union, but there everyone was guaranteed a job. Even political dissidents were given the opportunity to mine for gold and cut timber.”

It’s not the absolute quantity of goods and services that determines whether a society is just,” Sanders maintained. “It’s whether the people can count on their government to stand for social justice. In the United States we clearly can’t count on that. Too many people are left free to pursue their own selfish interests. I suspect this will get worse under a Trump Administration. We have elevated a partisan of greed who will ruthlessly discriminate between those willing and able to contribute and those who aren’t to lead the nation. I fear dark days lie ahead for those of us who believe in Socialism.”

The Media Strikes Back at Trump

Stung by the network’s public humiliation as “fake news” by Donald Trump in last week’s press conference, CNN’s top executive, Jeff Zucker, vowed to strike back.

What Trump failed to consider is that cutting us off from direct access doesn’t affect our ability to shape how viewers will perceive him,” Zucker pointed out. “As he should know by now, his actual words and deeds pose no constraint on our reporting. And even though our audience share may be shrinking overall, we still dominate in public venues like airports and gyms. Further, there’s only one television network that is seen in Beijing, Moscow, Seoul, Tokyo, Pyongyang, Baghdad, Tehran, and Damascus — and that’s CNN. We can poison his reputation around the world and he will be helpless to prevent it. At the very least we can ensure that his foreign policy is a failure.”

CNN talking head Wolf Blitzer reminded the crazed segment of the network’s audience that “if something were to happen to Trump, Pence, Ryan, and McConnell before the transfer of power is completed a member of the Obama Administration would assume the presidency. So, it’s not too late to avert the tragic miscarriage of justice inflicted on America by Russia’s hacking of the election.”

Kyle Pope, editor of the Columbia Journalism Review, wrote an open letter from “the US press corps” in which he warned Trump that “we have the upper hand. We make the rules. We decide what is true. We decide how much airtime or column inches you and your henchmen will get. You are only one man. We are legion. You will come out the worse for identifying us as your enemies.”

In related news, CNN’s Marc Lamont Hill labeled the blacks who have met and conferred with President-Elect Trump “mediocre negroes.” The individuals who have met with Trump in recent weeks included Martin Luther King III, rapper Kanye West, billionaire Robert Johnson, and NFL Hall of Famers Jim Brown and Ray Lewis. While many would consider these men accomplished and successful, Hill insisted that “the very fact that they sat down with this country’s leading racist casts a shadow over their presumed achievements. No genuine black would stoop so low.”

Free Speech Suppressed at Marquette University

Professor John McAdams has been suspended for the past two years for questioning a colleague’s suppression of free speech in his classroom. Marquette President Michael Lovell is adamant that “McAdams will not be reinstated until he confesses his error and apologizes for deviating from correct thought.” The whole mess started in 2014 when McAdams posted his concern on his own blog that his colleague’s policy forbidding students from disagreeing that gay marriage was a “good thing.”

Informed opinion has determined that gay marriage is appropriate,” Lovell argued. “We cannot abide a member of our university’s teaching staff undermining this truth by sowing doubt about the wisdom of a colleague’s efforts to enforce this truth in his own way. By raising questions McAdams has violated his colleague’s academic freedom and endangered the education of dozens of students.”

Lovell rejected contentions that penalizing McAdams or that penalizing students for challenging gay marriage might violate their academic freedom. “Their is no academic freedom to speak falsely,” Lovell claimed. “The quaint notion that truth will emerge from an environment where every idea may contend for believers is dangerously mistaken. It is our duty as educators to confront and exterminate lies wherever we find them. Until Dr. McAdams acknowledges this duty we cannot permit him to enter the classroom.”

Merkel Disputes Contention Her Immigration Policy Has Been a Disaster

German Chancellor Angela Merk took issue with Donald Trump’s contention that her immigration policy has been “a disaster” and “a catastrophic mistake.”

Mr. Trump’s view is short-sighted,” Merkel contended. “He sees the crimes being committed in Germany by these Muslim refugees as an unalloyed negative. We don’t. Certainly, there have been some short term annoyances. But longer term we are building a stronger Germany. The fecundity of these immigrants is precisely the medicine we need to offset native Germans’ lack of enthusiasm for reproduction. On top of this, the ferocity of Muslim males will bolster the next generation of German armed forces. I believe our country will emerge as a major power when we can count jihadas one of our new tactics.”

I stand corrected,” Trump said in response. “I thought Chancellor Merkel was misguided. Her latest explanation, though, conveys a degree of insanity that should frighten every German and European. The damage that might be done by a Germany injected with an Islamic toxin could ignite another holocaust.”

In related news, outgoing CIA Director John Brennan advised Trump that “he should watch what he says about the intelligence community. He may think that as president he is the world’s most powerful man, but the real power is wielded by the CIA and other similar organizations. If necessary any one of these organizations could terminate Trump’s power in an instant. The CIA has taken out non-compliant national leaders around the world. and, as Sen. Schumer has reminded everyone, they could do the same here if it becomes necessary.”

Illegal Alien Sues San Francisco

Pedro Figueroa Zarceno has filed a lawsuit against the City of San Francisco for violating its illegal “sanctuary city” ordinance by turning him over to U.S. immigration authorities after he reported his car stolen. “They have violated the rights their law said I had,” he complained.

John Cote, a spokesman for the San Francisco city attorney, defended the City, saying that “the sanctuary is intended to shield immigrants who have been charged with crimes, not those who are the victims of crimes. The fact that Mr. Figueroa owned an automobile indicates that he was trying to hop onto America’s ‘capitalist greed train.’ This is contrary to the diversity objectives that inspired City officials to declare San Francisco a ‘sanctuary city.’ That Figueroa would attempt to hijack a benefit not intended for him is, in our opinion, sufficient reason for him to be deported.”

In related news, California Governor Jerry Brown (D) wants to raise gasoline taxes by 42% and vehicle license fees by 141% in order to bailout the state’s public pension fund. The Fund has been burdened by a bloated and overpaid bureaucracy’s entitlement to exorbitant retirement benefits. “There are no good options,” Brown admitted. “But given the choice between making the drivers who pollute our air and clog our roads pay or trimming back what we’ve promised to our state employees, it was clear to me what I should do. State employees are mostly loyal to the progressive agenda we’ve been pursuing. They deserve loyalty in return.”

Obama Says Fox News, Rush Limbaugh Ruined His Presidency

In an interview with Lester Holt on NBC’s Dateline, President Obama blamed right wing media for “ruining my presidency. All the respectable sources saw the greatness I brought to the office. They were able to put the inevitable glitches into perspective and did not dwell upon them. This was not the case with those media that were out of step with their peers. Every misplaced dollar, every casualty overseas or domestically was mercilessly scrutinized and second-guessed by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.”

When the choir doesn’t all sing from the same hymnal a cacophony of noise drowns out the positive message that could have been promulgated,” the President sadly observed. “These critics hurt the country by undermining people’s faith in my leadership. Such disloyalty is the epitome of treasonous behavior. Unless the country can find a way to regulate what is reported and said in the media I’m afraid that we will never achieve the kind of unity needed for progressive values to prevail.”

In related news, President Obama gave a pep talk to teary-eyed reporters at his final press conference. “We’ve had some good times together and we all wish it could go on forever,” he asserted. “But the law doesn’t permit that. The crucial message I want to convey to you all is that the time for sycophancy is over. You will need to switch from ally to adversary to carry on the fight for social justice while Trump is in the White House. You’ve nibbled at this during the campaign, but you must now be prepared to go all out, all the time and hold nothing back. The future of progressive ideas depends upon you.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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