Senator Dubs 1973 Roe vs. Wade ‘Super Precedent’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn an attempt to disqualify prospective Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, anointed 1973’s Supreme Court decision on Roe vs. Wade a “super precedent” that ought to be “immune from being overturned.”

The Senator rejected the possibility that killing a person without a previous finding of guilt by a jury might be contradictory to the Constitution’s Fifth Amendment. “I am dismayed by Judge Gorsuch’s view that the intentional taking of a human life by private persons is always wrong,” Feinstein lamented. “Surely, he must be aware that there are instances of life that is unworthy of life. The right of individuals to make such a determination and implement the necessary remedy was established by the revolutionary Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court ruling. It is appalling that a person who cannot recognize this eternal truth has been nominated for a seat on that Court.”

Feinstein also ridiculed Gorsuch’s support of the Little Sisters of the Poor’s resistance to fund abortion, calling it “a callous trampling of the rights of women granted by the Courts. The idea that nuns would be permitted to deviate from the policies mandated by our democratically-elected government is a travesty. Society has a right to insist that certain core values be recognized and enforced. We need justices who understand this and can be relied upon to rule in favor of preserving these values. Mr. Gorsuch is not a person we can rely on to do this.”

Neither was Feinstein assuaged by Gorsuch’s contention that legislatures, not judges, should make the laws. “When it comes to the law, legislators are amateurs,” the Senator asserted. “Statutes enacted by legislative bodies are riddled with errors. We must be able to count on the expertise of our judiciary to amend the laws and correct these errors.”

Democratic Vote Fraud Efforts Advance on Multiple Fronts

Despite the fact that it is illegal for non-citizens to vote in American elections, Nebraska Democratic Party chairwoman Jane Kleeb is quite proud of her Party’s initiative in including voter registration forms in the “Welcome to Nebraska” packages handed out to newly arrived immigrants.

“Rather than sit back and submit to the racist and xenophobic restrictions enacted by white men, I am pleased to say that the Democratic Party is reaching out to ensure that the human right to vote of these new Americans will be realized in our state,” Kleeb bragged. Kleeb acknowledged that “technically, registering non-citizens to vote violates Nebraska law. However, we remain confident that the courts will overturn this law and uphold the very basic human right of every person—citizen or not—to elect those who govern them.”

In notoriously corrupt Cook County, Illinois, Democratic operative and Fort Heights resident Wilbon Perry was nabbed by federal postal inspectors for attempting to cast ballots for a dozen individuals that were on the list of Ford Heights registered voters that he knew no longer lived in the County.

Perry confessed to both signing the mail-in-ballot applications and casting the votes, but justified his actions as “carrying out the intent of the voters” he impersonated. “These were all loyal Democrats and would’ve voted exactly as I voted for them if they hadn’t moved. I couldn’t sit idly by and allow the wrong person to win the election without trying to go the extra mile to stop it.”

Cook County Clerk David Orr averred that “I don’t think Mr. Perry’s efforts were of the magnitude needed to sway the outcome. His initiative, though, was commendable. His biggest mistake was using the address of a vacant lot for where the ballots should be delivered. This ‘rookie’ error is what tipped postal authorities off. I’m betting he won’t make the same mistake in the future.”

In Virginia, Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe vetoed a bill that would require the state Department of Elections to disclose the identities of individuals who are registered to vote in multiple states simultaneously to local registrars. As McAuliffe sees it, “providing registrars with such information would be unnecessarily burdensome. People who’ve moved out of the area aren’t likely to cast ballots from their old addresses. There’s no pressing need to invest time in scrutinizing voter rolls for duplicate registrations.”

This latest veto follows previous vetoes issued by the Governor to block photo IDs for absentee ballots, to block investigation of counties where more votes were cast than eligible voters residing in the county, and to block the registration of voters who withhold biographical information about themselves.

Instead, McAuliffe has been pushing to eliminate the registration requirement that voters must attest to their citizenship to be eligible, calling it “just plain silly. If a person lies about his citizenship how can we prove it? I think asking this question is demeaning. We’re better off using an ‘honor system’ and trusting people.”

McCain Calls Nunes’ Action “Very Disturbing”

This week, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif) disclosed that “there is substantial evidence that the Obama Administration gathered and disseminated covert surveillance material on the incoming Trump Administration. It seems like this might’ve been illegal.”

Arizona Sen. John McCain (R) was outraged by what he termed “an unprecedented violation of our national security. I’m sure that any covert surveillance of Trump ordered by President Obama was only done for very good reasons. By going public with this information Rep. Nunes has betrayed our former President and alerted those who treasonously conspired with the Russians to deny Hillary Clinton her right to be elected.”

“I am especially dismayed that President Obama’s heroic efforts to undo the damage done by the misguided voters who gave Trump an Electoral College victory on November 8th would be so casually undermined by a member of my own Party,” the Senator complained. “Rather than cooperate with the covert operation to discredit the wrongly elected usurper, Mr. Nunes has opted to side with tyranny.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer thanked Sen. McCain “for blowing apart the narrative that the surveillance was ‘inadvertent.’ It seems pretty clear that members of the Obama Administration engaged in a conscious attempt to subvert President Trump. The leaking of this covertly collected intelligence to media co-conspirators broke the law. People are going to be fired. Others will end up in jail before this is all over.”

Meanwhile, “whistle blower” Dennis Montgomery says he has 600 million pages of government documents outlining years of Obama Administration covert surveillance of millions of Americans. McCain contended that “the fact is that tens of millions of Americans voted for Trump. I think that, by itself, vindicates the Obama Administration’s surveillance activities and shows the amazing prescience of the man.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff, the ranking Democrat on a House Intelligence Committee, insisted that “it is impossible to know whether I was previously aware of this surveillance. There are no witnesses to testify that I was. No one can prove that I was.”

Rapist Appeals Community Service Sentence

A lawyer for a 16-year-old Muslim immigrant to Sweden is challenging his 40 hours of community service punishment for raping a 13-year-old girl, calling it “unwarranted.” The sexual assault took place last July in Gothenburg. The assailant posted a video of the attack on the Internet.

“As one can see from the numerous comments on the video, it is the girl who was at fault,” claimed Kamal Humpur, a lawyer for the assailant who was only identified as “Ali” because he is a minor. “She had no covering. Her face was fully exposed. Clearly, she is a whore. Ali cannot be blamed for acting in accordance with how she presented herself.”

“Secondly, the trial was unfair,” Humpur added. “There were no Muslim witnesses to confirm her story. Under the laws of Islam, he cannot be convicted without the testimony of valid witnesses. It is the whore who should be punished. She ought to have her nose and ears cut off, but Ali still has feelings for her and would be satisfied if she is lightly whipped and given the opportunity to save herself by converting to Islam and agreeing to marry him.”

In other news from Sweden, a proposed £35 million fortress to protect police from being assaulted by Muslim immigrants in the “no-go-zone” in Rinkeby has a major problem: there is no safe way for police to commute from their homes to this police station. Christoffer Ersenius, local police union president, said he was “thankful that the workplace will be able to withstand the grenade attacks common to the district, but how are the men expected to reach this haven in the midst of this immigrant war zone?”

Humpur suggested that “instead of invading our space with this provocation the police need to back off and let us live by our own laws. They are the ones who reject the word and will of Allah. They are the unbelievers who will suffer the fires of Hell. If they submit to Islam the true believers would not be obligated to kill them.”

Rich New Yorkers Ask Governor to Raise Their Taxes

George Soros, Steven Rockefeller and Abigail Disney wrote to lawmakers and Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo asking that their taxes be raised. The push for higher taxes is also endorsed by the Fiscal Policy Institute, a liberal-leaning economic think tank.

While there is nothing stopping any of these billionaires from contributing as much of their wealth to the state government as they see fit, Ron Deutsch, the Fiscal Policy Institute’s executive director, explained that “a voluntary donation by those who could afford it would not compel others who may disagree with the fiscal plans of the state to pay anything. Unless these dissidents are also required to fund the state these enlightened few should not have to sacrifice one penny of the billions they have.”

“I find it refreshing that some of the richest and most powerful members of society are willing to take such a public stand in favor of coercing those less generous than themselves to hand over the cash necessary to fulfill the state government’s plans to repair infrastructure and redistribute wealth to those less fortunate,” Deutsch said. “In an ideal world all resources would be available to the government to distribute and use as society deems fit. It is shameful that anyone is able to withhold any property or wealth from allocation by the state.”

In related news, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) castigated his fellow citizens “for putting their own needs ahead of those of the poor. I am ashamed to be living in a nation that fails to do everything it can to ensure the equal distribution of wealth to all.” Inasmuch as Sanders himself is very well off and owns three homes, it is unclear how sincere his demand for equality is.

Advertisements

NY Dems Propose ‘Memory Hole’ Legislation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnNew York State Assemblyman David Weprin (D-Hollis) State Sen. Tony Avella (D-Queens) have introduced legislation that would empower the state government to order the erasure of Internet content that is “inaccurate, irrelevant, inadequate, or excessive.”

“The way it is now is that any government official can be accused of corruption by anyone who has access to the Internet,” Weprin complained. “Once the accusation is posted it essentially lives forever on the web. This can unfairly taint a person’s reputation. Our bill says that unless an official government investigation and prosecution is undertaken the accusatory content can be ordered removed under threat of a $250 per day fine for everyday it remains undeleted.”

Co-sponsor Avella admitted “I had been very pessimistic about our ability to control the narrative on what can and can’t be posted about public officials. It seems to me that outsiders have too much power to embarrass those of us who serve. Then David told me about something he read in a book where unsanctioned material was regularly removed from the public domain and consigned to what was called a ‘memory hole.’ I thought, this is exactly what we need to defend ourselves from ungrateful citizens.”

Both sponsors acknowledged the possibility that the legislation could have a “chilling effect” on public debate, but asserted that “in our opinion, public debate is already overheated by the intrusion of unqualified participants into the mix. Our bill would not impede genuine journalists, government officials, and elected representatives from expressing themselves. It would clear away the debris left by uninformed amateurs.”

Turkey Warns Europe

Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdogan warned European governments against moves aimed at resisting Islamization of their countries. “Allah has decreed that all the world belongs to Islam,” he declared. “Acceptance of this reality is the path of peaceful submission to Allah’s will. Efforts to reject this reality will only lead to open warfare and the massacre of the unbelievers.”

Erdogan’s bellicose stance was prompted by the European Union’s decision to allow employers to ban head scarves in their workplaces. “They try to portray it as a safety measure,” Erdogan said. “But the lives that would be saved by such a restriction will be dwarfed by the number of infidels who will be slaughtered because of this affront.”

Erdogan’s first step in retaliation for the “affront” was to instruct Turkey’s Interior Minister Suleyman Soylu to implement an increase in refugees crossing into Europe from Turkey to 15,000 per month. “Let me point out that all of these Muslims will have access to knives, clubs, and stones,” Soylu reminded. “Some will obtain guns. Others will choose to drive vehicles into pedestrians on the streets. It isn’t a question of whether Europe will submit to Islam, but rather when and how they will submit. Will it be peaceful or will it require the deaths of millions before Islam rules all the land?”

In related news, Theodore Chuang, the Maryland judge who stayed President Trump’s Executive Order calling for a temporary halt to immigration from six war-torn Middle Eastern and African countries, is said to be weighing whether to order the Trump Administration to double the number of refugees admitted from these countries to 100,000 per year. “The surest way to thwart the anti-Muslim animus of the current illegitimate President and his deplorable supporters is to flood the country with as many Muslims as we can,” Chuang argued. “Likewise, the surest way to put and end to terrorism is to convert the entire world to Islam. Rather than attempt to carry out a doomed ‘vetting’ scheme, the smarter policy is to remove the need for jihad.”

Tax Returns Prove Trump Not So Smart

This week, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow used an illegally obtained copy of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax forms to assail the President as “not as smart as he wants everyone to believe he is.” The evidence cited by Maddow was that the tax forms showed Trump paid 25% of his income for 2005 to the federal government.

“Here’s this so-called business genius coughing up a quarter of his earnings to the feds,” she mocked. “This compared unfavorably to presumed financial naifs Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who paid 18.7% and 13.5%, respectively. It looks like the guys who know nothing about business or economics did a better job of shielding their income from taxes than Trump did.”

Whether Maddow’s “coup” is all she imagined it would be has come into question. Presidential Press Secretary Sean Spicer suggested that “as a businessman, Donald Trump’s objective was to generate wealth and income, not minimize his personal tax rate. His actions undoubtedly provided job opportunities and income for many other individuals who also paid taxes—perhaps at rates that also exceeded those of Sens. Obama and Sanders, whose contributions to the US economy were obviously less visible, if they even occurred.”

Feud Between McCain & Paul Escalates

This week Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) questioned Sen. Rand Paul’s (R-Ken) loyalties after Paul voted not to extend NATO military support to Montenegro. In turn, Paul questioned McCain’s judgment.

As McCain reasoned, Paul’s refusal to extend the United States’ guarantee to defend Montenegro from potential Russian aggression was “doing Putin’s bidding.” As Paul sees it, though, “the United States is already overextended in terms of its military deployments around the world and it would be foolish to add to that.”

“Inasmuch as Sen. McCain has been an avid advocate of arming every Islamic ‘freedom fighter’ in the Middle East, including the gang that morphed into ISIS, I think he has a lot of gall assailing anyone else’s judgment or patriotism,” Paul added. “When it comes to foreign policy, Sen. McCain has been on the wrong side of almost every issue for the last 40 years. He is the best living case for term limits.”

McCain spokeswoman Julie Tarallo insisted that Sen. Paul “is out of step with the majority of the Senate. Russia has been this country’s traditional enemy for 75 years. We mustn’t allow the few pinpricks administered by a comparatively weak Islamic terrorist movement to distract us from this fundamental truth. Just because Putin hasn’t blown up any buildings or beheaded any hostages doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep our focus on him.”

Liberal Prof Blames Trump for Beating, Apologizes to Assailants

Allison Stanger, the professor at Middlebury College in Vermont who was viciously attacked by a mob of students determined to prevent author and scholar Charles Murray from speaking, lays the blame for the incident at the feet of President Donald Trump.

“Students are in a justifiable state of anxiety since Trump was elected,” Stanger said. “My assumption that they could rationally listen to Mr. Murray’s controversial views and debate them in a civil manner was my error. Their response of beating me senseless was something I should have anticipated. I violated their ‘safe space’ by trying to inject an unwelcome perspective into it.”

“In hindsight, my naive adherence to a Jeffersonian notion that a university should be a ‘marketplace for ideas’ endangered everyone on campus,” Stanger continued. “Clearly, some ideas are so out-of-step with academic orthodoxy that their mere mention poses a threat to the psychological comfort of the university community. I apologize for my insensitivity and hope that my pledge to behave myself in the future will obviate the need for the students to administer any more chastisements to me.”

Dems Praise Federal Reserve Appointee

The appointment of University of Southern California Professor Raphael Bostic as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta garnered praise from some leading Democrats in Congress.

Ohio Sen. Sherrod Brown, top Democrat on the Senate Banking Committee, hailed the appointment, calling it “a long overdue injection of new blood into the governance of monetary policy. Up to now there has been no one to represent a gay black perspective on interest rates, banking, and the economy. Dr. Bostic’s ascendance to this prominent position plugs a gap that has stigmatized Fed policy for over 100 years.”

California’s Rep. Maxine Waters, the top Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee, was equally impressed by Bostic’s credentials, “as the first black and first openly gay regional Fed president, Dr. Bostic brings a fresh insight into the world of finance. A focus on how changes in interest rates affect gays and blacks is an essential criteria to determining whether the Fed ought to raise or lower those rates.”

Texas Rep Proposes Fine for Masturbation

State Rep. Jessica Farrar (D-Austin) has introduced a bill that would impose a $100 fine for each instance of “masturbatory emissions that occur outside a woman’s vagina.”

Farrar contended that her “satirical” bill “is meant to highlight the comparable absurdities of right-wing legislation aimed at deterring abortions. Let’s see how men like it when their precious bodily fluids come under the same kind of regulation that impedes a woman’s access to an abortion. Every spilled sperm, like every aborted fetus,  represents a potential life that could’ve been brought to term. If a woman can be forced to bear a fetus to term why shouldn’t a man be forced to confine is emissions to reproductive ends?”

The fact that each ejaculation contains millions of sperm cells was held by Farrar to “illuminate the greater magnitude of the offense committed by men. An abortion terminates only a single fetus. Masturbation terminates millions of potential fetuses. Clearly, men are guilty of the greater crime.” Taking a cue from an old Seinfeld TV episode, Farrar said the fine would rely on an “honor system until such a time as comprehensive and universal surveillance can be established throughout the state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Pelosi Warns of an American Holocaust

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA Bureau of Labor Statistics report indicating that more than 900,000 have left the ranks of the leisure class and joined the workforce since Trump’s inauguration was cast as “the start of an American holocaust” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

“Mr. Trump’s repeated threat to put America back to work has insidiously intimidated nearly a million of the 90 million who are currently not in the workforce to take jobs for fear that they would be sent to government labor camps,” she contended. “This fear is further proof of the validity of our contention that the Trump Administration is taking its marching orders from the Russians. Government labor camps for the purpose of working political dissidents to death are a Russian invention. That Trump would threaten to institute such an atrocity here is why we need to impeach him before the human cost becomes unbearable.”

“The premise that these people want to work is the big lie,” Pelosi argued. “Work is a disutility. People only do it if they have no choice. Those who have courageously broken free of the social myth that somehow work is an obligation must not be coerced into conformity. The gains made over the last eight years in liberating millions from wage slavery must not be undone.”

In related news, Pelosi mocked Trump’s pizza and bowling efforts to build good will with members of Congress as “way below the threshold needed to garner our attention, much less cooperation with his agenda. Millions of dollars from our Party’s donors are out-bidding his feeble gestures.”

UK Proposal to Send Refugees Home Assailed by UN Official

A United Kingdom proposal to send refugees back to their home countries if conditions there improve was assailed by UN Secretary General António Guterres as “contrary to basic human rights.”

“The Earth belongs to all people,” Guterres asserted. “No government, no person has the right to block any other person from choosing which portion of our common inheritance he wishes to occupy.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May defended her proposal, saying “we took these people in as a humanitarian gesture because their homelands are wracked by war. Their insistence on maintaining the culture from which they came implies a desire to return rather than adapt to our culture. If the wars they were fleeing are brought to an end and it is safe for them to be repatriated I see no reason why they shouldn’t be sent home.”

“Humanity began in Africa,” Guterres observed. “All the rest of the world is populated by migrants. Ms. May is in no position to assume ownership of the British Isles and has no right to evict anyone against his will. Even if the place the refugees departed is declared safe it may not be an adequate condition from the refugees’ perspective. None of their home countries provide the social benefits for which they qualify in the United Kingdom. Forcing them to leave a situation where housing, food, and income are provided at no cost to them robs these migrants of their human entitlements. Every enlightened human being must condemn this planned anti-social and oppressive act.”

Guterres was undeterred by a report from the Center for Immigration Studies that found that resettling a refugee from the Middle East in the US costs 12 times as much as housing them in a neighboring Middle Eastern country, saying that it supports his position that “the desire to send these refugees back to their home countries stems from greed. Ousting a person because it would cost too much to keep him is pure selfishness.”

In related news, Guterres rejected criticism of Pakistan’s treatment of women—93 percent of Pakistani women have experienced sexual violence—saying that “as I understand it, Islam’s Quran instructs men to discipline their wives, daughters, sisters, and mothers, including beating them when necessary. If we are to respect religious freedom we must not judge nor interfere with their beliefs no matter how much they may differ from own own.”

FBI Director Declares Privacy Not a Right

Fresh off the Wikileaks revelation that the US Government is spying on everyone and his vow to complete the remaining six years of his ten year term, FBI Director James Comey blandly informed the American people that “privacy is not a right to which citizens are entitled.”

“I’m not saying that Americans don’t enjoy a considerable degree of privacy,” Comey said, “but let’s be clear, this is a privilege extended by the government to those who are not under suspicion of criminal or anti-government activities. Government has a moral right and duty to monitor everyone who might represent a threat. To carry out this duty it is imperative that no device have encryption that thwarts government surveillance—as about 40% of devices now do.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) cited President Trump’s objections to being wire-tapped as “prima facie evidence of his unfitness to hold office. Rather than support the surveillance that Director Comey points out is essential to fighting crime and detecting security threats, Trump is siding with this country’s enemies. If, as he says, he is innocent of any wrongdoing he should have no objection to being monitored by the FBI, CIA, NSA, or whoever is trying to keep an eye out for America.”

“Let’s be clear,” Schiff demanded. “Nowhere in the Constitution does it say citizens have a right to privacy. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say government may not spy on the population. That a man elected to the presidency would attempt to argue the opposite is, in my opinion, a cause for concern.”

Former Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), however, disagreed with Schiff, calling Comey’s view “a further precarious step on the ‘slippery slope’ toward totalitarianism. It is shocking that a government official would openly tout a virtually unrestrained invasion of privacy. It is even more shocking that the media are not vociferously opposing such a position. I’m no fan of Donald Trump, but in this case he seems to be on the right side of a critical issue.”

In related news, the US Department of Agriculture cracked down on freedom of speech at the West Michigan Beef Company. Owner Don Boon’s posting of a newspaper clipping on a break-room bulletin board defending traditional marriage elicited a USDA threat to shut down the meat-packing plant. “We were just following guidelines sent down from Secretary Vilsack,” said USDA Section Chief Lance Gooney. “If we want to stamp out prejudice we must confront it in whatever form it appears and use whatever tools we can.”

School Censors “Straight Pride” Poster

A high school student in Jasper, Indiana attempted to post a dissenting perspective on the school’s persistent indoctrination campaign regarding sexual identity. The unnamed student tacked up several “Straight Pride” posters around the school. The poster’s message: “Nobody cares about what you think you are. If you want equality, stop shoving your ideas down our throats! We have nothing against your sexual orientation. We just don’t care!”

Greater Jasper School Superintendent Tracy Lorey explained that “we want to provide students opportunities to express themselves, but this doesn’t mean that they can say whatever they want. For this one student to ask to be left alone would eviscerate the LGBT community’s right to be heard. What use is free speech if people can choose not to listen? Stories relating the difficulties and courage displayed by LGBTs are something that every Jasper student needs to hear.”

Lorey contended that “the poster’s expressed disinterest in other students’ sexual orientations is a manifestation of intolerance. He may think that he’s heard enough, that he’d like to just concentrate on his studies, but he is trying to shut himself off from a vital message. Sexual orientation is the civil rights issue of our time. Until everyone acknowledges every other person’s right to be accepted as the sex he or she wants to be accepted as at any given moment no one’s civil rights are secure.”

In other education news, the State of New York is poised to eliminate literacy tests for public school teachers. John D’Agati, deputy commissioner of the state Education Department, called the test “discriminatory and out-dated. Barely half of Hispanic teachers and fewer than half of African-American teachers can pass the test. Continuing to insist that teachers must be literate would embed racism into our standards. In this modern age of videos and non-written forms of communication it seems foolish to require teachers to master skills that likely will prove unnecessary in the future.”

Planned Parenthood Rejects Trump’s Offer

President Donald Trump’s offer to agree to continued federal funding of Planned Parenthood if the organization would stop performing abortions was firmly rejected by Dawn Laguens, Planned Parenthood’s executive vice president and chief brand officer.

“We are the largest single provider of abortions in America,” Laguens pointed out. “Abortion is our largest single activity. It is the main thing our clientele knows about us. For us to abandon this service would be like stabbing our customers and supporters in the back. No amount of money will divorce us from our values.”

Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards echoed Laguens’ remarks, emphasizing that “we are proud to provide abortions. We will not be dissuaded from continuing this vital mission. The $500 million that Trump threatens to withhold is tiny compared to the returns we have earned by terminating unwanted pregnancies and recycling the salvaged biomaterial.”

In related news, former Democratic National Committee chair and Vermont Governor Howard Dean predicted that “Trump will pay a steep political price for this heavy-handed attempt to besmirch a revered national organization. The voters that oppose abortion are dying off. The younger generation is heavily invested in preserving the right to terminate the undesired offspring of their sexual liaisons. Democrats will beat him over the head with this issue in 2018 and 2020, should he foolishly choose to seek reelection.”

Obama AG Encourages Anti-Trump Rioters

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch praised anti-Trump demonstrators for “the courage they have shown by their willingness to bleed and shed blood for the progressive cause. Some have died in this opening phase of the fight against the fascism that has gripped our nation since January 20th.”

As if in response, leftist Antifa agitators assaulted pro-Trump demonstrators in Berkeley last weekend—burning a “free speech” sign, stealing MAGA hats, and bloodying noses. Lynch hailed the attacks as “a promising sign that the revolution won’t be constrained by bourgeois morality. Instead of cowering in fear, socially aware youths are cracking heads in a way Marx would’ve approved.” Surprisingly, most of these “proud social warriors” wore masks during their criminal rampage.

Lynch’s words were re-posted on Facebook on the Senate Democrats page where they were lauded as “words of inspiration” by a commenter that averred “it’s time we start killing people if we want to be taken serious.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama to Receive ‘Profiles in Courage’ Award

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Kennedy Presidential Library’s annual “Profiles in Courage” Award for 2017 will go to former President Barack Obama. The Award, named after the 1957 Pulitzer Prize winning book ghost written for then Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy, is given to individuals displaying extraordinary political courage by taking an unpopular course of action. The award ceremony will take place in May, when former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy and grandson of the late JFK, Jack Schlossberg, bestow the prize.

Faced with unrelenting adulation and widespread demands that he declare himself ‘president for life,’ President Obama courageously agreed to follow the law and step down after two terms,” Schlossberg said. “This gracious emulation of our nation’s first chief executive put him at odds with the majority of Americans who clearly would have supported his continuation in office as a down payment on the reparations for slavery that he has championed during his political career. That he would exit the presidency in a move that his core constituency would characterize as ‘acting white’ demonstrated an ‘off-the-charts’ level of personal fortitude.”

Obama is the third former president to win the award. In 2001, former President Gerald Ford was honored for the unconditional pardon he granted to Richard Nixon in 1974 for “all offenses that has committed or may have committed or taken part in” while president. In 2014, former President George H.W. Bush was honored for joining with Democrats to break his 1988 campaign pledge of “no new taxes.”

The speed with which the “Profiles in Courage” award was made to Obama mirrored that of his winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. Ironically, the United States was constantly at war for his eight years as president when bragged that he was “really good at killing people” with drone strikes. Schlossberg expressed confidence that there wouldn’t be any similar embarrassment over the “Profiles” award since “the refusal to seize power can’t be undone now that he has surrendered the reins to his successor.”

French Candidate Targeted by EU Parliament

The European Parliament cleared the way for the French government to prosecute populist candidate for the presidency, Marine LePen, for her 2015 tweet of “terroristic images.” The images showed ISIS atrocities. If convicted, LePen could be imprisoned for up to three years and fined 75,000 Euros.

LePen, who has been highly critical of the virtually unrestricted immigration of Muslims into France, assailed the EU’s actions, calling them “yet more proof of everything we’ve been saying. The government’s misguided attempts to be compassionate have endangered the lives of our citizens and pose a threat to our nation’s survival. Right now, swaths of our cities have been turned into backward Hellholes where French men and women dare not set foot lest they be assaulted, raped, or killed by Muslim thugs.”

The refugees from Africa and the Middle East make no effort to learn our culture and minimal effort to obey our laws,” LePen said. “They replicate the squalid and violent conditions of the homelands they are fleeing. They boast of the day when they will outnumber us and Islamify the entire country. If it is to be illegal for us to point out the danger we are laying the groundwork for our subjugation and massacre by these aliens and their murderous ideology.”

EU Member of Parliament Laura Ferrara contended that “Ms. LePen is only making matters worse by her repeated defamation of this religious minority. The handwriting has been on the wall for some time now. Europeans do not reproduce at a high enough rate to fend off the inundation of our land and culture by the more fecund Muslim immigrants. Inciting them will not save us. Submitting to the will of Allah will. If all the world is for Islam the terror will cease. We will all be part of the umma and be entitled to the common respect all Muslims pay to each other.”

The kind of respect Ms. Ferrara can expect as a Muslim female seems dubious. Further, despite the rhetoric, Muslims do a lot of fighting among themselves. Many of the victims of ISIS brutality are Muslims deemed insufficiently compliant with the group’s rigid expectations for obedience. Making the whole world Muslim is more likely to permanently institutionalize terror than abolish it.

In related news, Syrian refugees living in Modum, a small municipality in the south of Norway, complain that the modest apartments provided to them free-of-charge are inadequate. “We are Muslims,” Abdulhadi Alkhalaf pointed out. “We are entitled by our faith to accommodations superior to those enjoyed by the unbelievers. We demand suitably-sized houses be provided.”

Governor Vetoes Investigation of Vote Fraud

Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) vetoed a bill that would have prompted investigations in counties where the number of persons registered to vote exceeded the total number of citizens eligible to vote. The Governor defended his veto, saying that “the right to vote is a fundamental human right. Republican attempts to limit this right based on country of origin is inherently racist and unfair.”

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Mark Obenshain (R-Harrisonburg), called the Governor’s action “outrageous. Voting is a civil right exercised by the citizens of this state. Immigrants need to go through the procedures laid out in the law to become citizens before they register and cast ballots. Waiving this requirement as the Governor would have us do dilutes the civil rights of every lawful voter.”

McAuliffe derided Obenshain’s position. “The onerous process of naturalization is one that few native-born citizens could accomplish,” McAuliffe maintained. “I don’t see the ‘diluting’ the votes of ignorant natives as a negative. Immigrants, especially those in the country without proper documentation, have as great an interest in the government programs providing them with benefits as anyone. Their voices deserve to be heard. Voting is the way to ensure that they are heard.”

Trump Speech Rankles Democrats

President Donald Trump’s speech to Congress this week rankled key Democrats. While some, including CNN’s Van Jones saw it as “presidential” in tone, others, including Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) insisted it was “detached from reality. The real Trump is a snarling, mean-spirited hater. This speech was an attempt to conceal that reality behind a tired call for the country to unite behind a common goal to make America great.”

He says he wants to work with Democrats, but he hasn’t reached out to us,” Schumer complained. “Everything is about his promises to the American people. Well, more than half the American voters favored his opponent. Until he recognizes and accommodates this reality we will have to try to block him every step of the way.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took a similar stance. “The notion that Trump can make America great by reversing the policies of President Obama is ludicrous,” she asserted. “Promising to put people back to work may serve the interests of the rednecks who voted for Trump, but it has got to be scary for the tens of millions relieved of this onus by the increased government benefits the Democratic Administration gave them. When the government gives you a place to live and food to eat do you still really want to be put to work at some soul-numbing job?”

Pelosi praised “the courage of my fellow Democrats who vocally expressed their displeasure with Trump’s new Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement proposal. Now is not the time for initiating a new entitlement for what has got to be a tiny minority, especially when the immigrants who will have to bear the brunt of his deportation scheme are far more numerous. Even worse, his proposed ‘merit-based’ approach to immigration would block the most needy while selfishly allowing a preferential treatment to the smaller self-sustaining and productive fraction of those wanting to come to our country.”

In related news, Trump’s preference for having his steak well-done and eating it with ketchup repulsed gourmets around the globe. “Putting ketchup on a steak is something a child would do,” Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) observed. “Can we really abide having a person of such inappropriate tastes as the leader of the free world? When we add his reluctance to go to war with Russia, I think we must seriously reconsider his fitness to lead.”

Dems May Look to “Transracials” to Boost Non-White Staff

Struggling to make the racial composition of staffers more closely resemble the general population, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging more of the 93% who are Caucasian “to look deep into themselves to see if they may be Black, Latino, or Muslim.”

We have made great strides incorporating transsexuals into the workforce to help boost the female cohort of our staff,” Schumer remarked. “This got me to thinking that there must be a contingent of transracials out there who could help us meet our non-white quota. Maybe Rachel Dolezal was out ahead of the curve on this. I mean, the people that mocked her for declaring herself to be Black may have missed the boat. Who’s to say she is wrong? If a person with a penis can declare himself a woman, then why can’t a person with pale skin declare himself Black? There’s probably more physical evidence for a white person being biologically part Black than there is for a man being part woman.”

Meanwhile, the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal has finalized her transition to Black by adopting the name Nkechi Amare Diallo—a West African name that means “gift of god.” Perhaps if more of the Congressional staffers were to simply adopt African names the concerns of Sen. Schumer would be assuaged.

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

The Arizona Conservative on Facebook