ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLast year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network.

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that “the hospital violated Mr. Minton’s right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital’s assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the option belongs solely to the patient. No person, organization, or institution has the right to resist the laws enacted by civil authorities. If we were to fail to punish this hospital it would set a dangerous precedent of allowing so-called religious freedom to undermine civil authority.”

Minton said “the horror of being handed off to another hospital was excruciating and humiliating. For an American citizen to be told that he must choose from dozens of conveniently located alternative institutions that had no moral objections to performing this elective procedure is the kind of oppression we should never have to fear in this country.”

It’s one thing for people to be permitted to worship as they please,” Petty added. “However, we must draw a bold line clarifying that religious beliefs can never interfere with how government conducts policy. If we were to let individuals to decline to engage in actions that their beliefs characterize as abhorrent we would be giving churches a veto over public policy. The ACLU vehemently opposes the notion that our Constitution grants religion any right to project its dogma outside the church walls. Besides, doesn’t the Catholic Church offer absolution to sinners if they confess? Why can’t the hospital simply make use of this ‘free pass’ instead of mucking up the clear directives of government regulations?”

Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation

Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for “hate speech.” The “hate speech” consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim.

Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard’s remarks “extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government’s policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in our country as this could cause both discomfort for the immigrants and premature fear among native French persons.”

Ménard was unimpressed by the court’s reasoning. “We are letting foreigners in who do not aspire to be French,” he pointed out. “Their growing numbers portend an eventual swamping of our culture and its replacement by ideas and modes of living most of us would regard as backward and oppressive. The government’s preference that we be kept oblivious to the danger is insidiously foolish.”

Under the Judge’s ruling half the fine is to be paid to cover the court costs of the seven anti-racist organizations who brought the matter to court’s attention. Two of these organizations—the League for Human Rights and SOS Racisme—are funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros.

Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work

A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country.

Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as “not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that’s the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not to work. This turn of events is bolstered by local imams who assure the migrants that it is Allah’s command that the unbelievers provide for the Muslim faithful.”

Per Sandberg, Norway’s acting minister for immigration and integration, called the problem “insolvable. If people don’t want to work we can’t force them to take jobs. That would be inhumane. I suppose that at some point the number of people on welfare will exceed the ability of the taxpayers to support them and the system will become unsustainable. Fortunately, that is not yet a matter of urgency, especially as I can conceive of no viable way to avert such a disaster.”

Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang wrote that “the findings of the study are very bad news. The very structure of our society is in jeopardy and there is nothing we can do to save it. The suggestion by right-wingers that we return to a system where each person is responsible for himself is anti-social. We cannot take that path. On the other hand, current trends will lead to collapse. It is a dilemma for which there is no answer.”

In related news, the cost of the country’s 318,000 Muslim refugees now constitutes 19% of Sweden’s central government’s annual budget. Nearly half of the cost is incurred by government efforts to deal with immigrant crime. The total cost to the government is $58,490 per refugee per year. This is more than twice the average Swedish household’s disposable income of $28,859 per year. Fewer than 1% of Muslim immigrants have jobs. Nevertheless, the government remains adamant that “social justice requires we continue to rescue these troubled people.”

Parade Canceled After “Antifascists” Threaten GOP Participants

A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland’s annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany’s Weimar Republic when the Party’s brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets.

Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. “This was definitely our least favored outcome,” Bureros complained. “Our first choice would have been for the parade to go on minus the participation of the fascist Republicans. Our second choice would have been to have the opportunity to fight these fascists in the street. Either way, progressive values would have been put on display. Cancellation of the event has deprived us of our right to freely express ourselves.”

Obama Taking “Symbolic Reparations”

Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “one of the President’s greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America’s historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices.”

We mustn’t overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,” Earnest pointed out. “We’re confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good.”

Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. “A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama’s tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice,” he contended. “The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments “troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I’d have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying “it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton’s campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin’s prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them.”

UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare

This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says “establishes everyone’s right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services.”

According to Puras, “repeal of the ACA would make the United States liable for international sanctions or possibly UN military intervention to safeguard the American people from being deprived of their entitlements by the wrongful actions of a lawless regime.”

Democrats Make Support for Abortion Mandatory

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez declared that support for abortion is now a requirement for anyone who wants to run for office as a Democrat. “Every Democrat, like every American, should support a woman’s right to make her own choices about her body and her health,” Perez said. “That is not negotiable and should not change city by city or state by state.”

Democrats who believe that abortion is murder should keep this opinion to themselves for the sake of the Party,” Perez explained. “We’re not saying a person can’t think this, only that he must not say this as it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Destroying this enemy takes priority over religious dogma that places the well-being of embryonic tissues on an indefensible pedestal. As Democrats we hold that society’s needs come before the individual’s needs. Those who can’t subordinate their scruples for the good of the Party have no right to call themselves Democrats.”

Perez professed to be unconcerned with a recent poll showing that 28% of registered Democratic voters are opposed to abortion. “First of all, we’re not saying that those opposed to abortion must get abortions,” Perez pointed out. “What we’re saying is that no one should be allowed to prevent another person from getting one. That includes refusing to pay for someone else’s abortion with their tax dollars. Second, we don’t think many of these so-called anti-abortion Democrats would leave the Party or vote against it because of this one issue when the very survival of the social welfare benefits the Party has pioneered is at stake. Is the life of an unwanted child really worth the sacrifice of these hard-won gains?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Murderer Demands Release as ‘Reparation for Slavery’

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnKori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as “reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can’t begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score.”

His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because “he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the motel.”

Muhammad was apprehended during a shooting spree that took the lives of three more victims in his self-proclaimed mission “to kill as many white people as I could” after he had learned he was a wanted suspect in the Motel 6 murder. “I was afraid that a single murder would portray me as a common criminal. By broadening the scope of my actions I converted what might be perceived as petty motives into a noble crusade for historical justice. My current incarceration while awaiting trial continues the racism that has oppressed people of color in this country for hundreds of years.”

Muhammad’s quest received some sympathy from Drexel professor George–“All I want for Christmas is white genocide”—Ciccariello, who declared that “the arrest and persecution of this man for his initiative in righting a historical wrong makes me want to vomit. He just doing what every black person has an absolute moral right to do.”

Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems”

Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises.

She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to actually be able to solve problems, or make money, or innovate, we actually need to know how these remarkable organs work.”

Brennan pointed to her work on ducks to support the case for federal funding of this type of research. “My study of duck penises established that male ducks essentially rape female ducks,” she observed. “The contention that this type of behavior evolved to perpetuate the species doesn’t make it morally right. Parallels in our own species raise serious questions about what we, as a society, should do to protect women from the unwanted attentions of men. Republican assertions that this type of research is an improper use of public funds are ludicrous.”

This weekend Brennan is sacrificing precious time that she would rather spend probing her whale organ to participate in a “march for science.” “Those of us on the frontiers of science are being unnecessarily diverted from crucial research in order to prevent the enemies of knowledge from taking their pound of flesh from us,” she lamented.

White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney rebutted Brennan’s argument saying “we are not suppressing anyone’s research. The academic community will remain free to pursue whatever topics they wish with whatever funds they are able to raise from voluntary donations. What we are aiming to do is free taxpayers from being coerced into financing activities that are not within the constitutional powers of the government.”

Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment”  

This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate.

“Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we champion. The university was well within its rights to defend its public space from being exploited by this awful woman.”

Dean assailed “the notion that hateful words and ideas can infiltrate our communities and airwaves under the guise of freedom of speech is a threat that must be stopped by any means necessary. The violent protests lodged by the Antifa movement are an encouraging sign that the young people of our universities understand what’s at stake. In many instances they have been successful in deterring the airing of inappropriate ideas. But we can’t let young people bear the entire burden of silencing evil thoughts. Those right-thinking individuals among us who hold the reins of power at the state level or in the courts need to put forth a commensurate effort to end the noise pollution emitted by the likes of Coulter and her ilk.”

In related news, the masked AntiFa demonstrator who bashed a Trump supporter in the head with a bicycle lock turned out to be Professor Eric Clanton of Diablo Valley College in California. “If those in authority had done a better job of protecting college students from hate speech professors wouldn’t have to take it on themselves to do what should’ve been done,” Dean said. “It’s disheartening that the best and brightest feel compelled to wear masks while they are defending the progressive agenda.”

Communist Surges in French Election

Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to “raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class.”

“The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate,” Mélenchon said. “For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society’s problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and shared equally no one will suffer deprivation. All will enjoy the abundance of our common effort.”

Mélenchon is also considered “cool” by millennials for his use of technology to get his message across. His appearance at multiple rallies simultaneously as a hologram has excited the youth of the nation. Paris university student Bernard Balourd gushed, “it’s like he’s from a galaxy far away. This gives me confidence that he will be the one to lead France to a bright new future. I only wish he would add sharing the grades of A-students with the rest of us. In my way of thinking, hoarding knowledge and effort is as bad as hoarding wealth.”

Meanwhile, rival presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron from the En Marche! Party, sought to outflank Mélenchon and lock-up the pusillanimous vote by assuring French citizens that “terrorism will be a daily fact of life when I’m president. The false hope purveyed by Le Pen that we can eradicate this problem via a program of resistance and expulsion of Islamic troublemakers is a ‘bridge too far.’ The sooner we acclimate to the new reality, the quicker we can return to our essential French persona.”

However, even this ridiculously flaccid stance was assailed by anti-capitalist party candidate Philippe Poutou who argued that “a more rigorous policy of appeasement toward Islamists is the wiser road. Was collaboration with the Germans really worse than the horrors of the D-Day invasion? I think the destruction wrought by the clash of Allied armies with the Germans was far more severe than anything that transpired during the occupation. I’m confident that the sane segment of voters will agree with me.”

In related news, House Democrat Maxine Waters admitted that “taxpayers are subjected to painful levels of taxation,” but insisted “it is for their own good. Everyone knows the saying ‘no pain, no gain.’ While taxpayers may groan under the impositions we place on them, the transfer of vital resources from the selfish hands of individuals to the socially-conscious hands of the government is better for the collective whole. That Trump wants to impede and maybe even reverse this salutary process reemphasizes the urgency of our effort to impeach him.”

Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama

A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as “proof I did nothing wrong.” The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama’s vice chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff James Cartwright, Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, CIA officer and whistleblower John Kiriakou, NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden, reporter Audrey Hudson, FBI agent and contractor Donald Sachtleben, former state department contractor Stephen Jin-Woo Kim, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, former CIA employee Jeffrey Alexander Sterling, unspecified members of Congress, American-Jewish groups, Trump adviser Carter Page, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, and President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team.

“This list completely debunks Trump’s contention that he was unfairly singled out for surveillance,” Rice added. “For years a wide variety of individuals from various walks of life were designated for covert oversight. All of this was done under the President’s authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief. Those coming forward now to criticize this tread awfully close to the boundary demarcating treason. It is they who should be fearful of their actions, not me.”

Rice also characterized recent revelations that Obama’s CIA director, John Brennan colluded with foreign governments in an attempt to prevent the election of Donald Trump as “a heroic demonstration of patriotism and loyalty to the President. Here we have a man unconstrained by mere adherence to statutory law going the extra mile to try to ensure that the C-in-C’s legacy would not be subverted by a man with no commitment to the values shared by members of government from both sides of the aisle. Director Brennan should be receiving the thanks of a grateful nation rather than being criticized by persons of questionable motives.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Merkel Explains Terror Policy

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFacing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn’t been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted “we will never accept terror.”

Some of her critics have contended that “admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror.” Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that “last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many Germans from unnecessarily leaving home, it’s possible that more lives were saved by having fewer traffic fatalities than were lost by these murders. So, clearly, terror does seem to have some potential positive offsets.”

“My bigger concern is that Germans are not reproducing at a high enough rate to replace those that die of old age,” the Chancellor lamented. “These immigrants will solve that problem. Their willingness to bear children will more than offset our birth dearth. Surely, the loss of a few dozen individuals at the hands of the terrorist portion of the immigrants is not too high a price to pay.”

“I urge all citizens who are concerned about their safety to do what I do,” Merkel advised. “First, forego all unnecessary travel. For the occasions in which this is not possible, beef up your security detail. Never travel on public transit. Always ride in vehicles with bulletproof glass and body armor. Avoid public places like shopping malls, theaters, stadiums, parks, schools, libraries, and the like. Shop by phone or the Internet and have your purchases delivered whenever you can. Have a member of your domestic staff run all errands outside the home. In short, if you are sensibly cautious your chance of being murdered by a terrorist or a common criminal should be acceptably low.”

In related news, some migrants are sold into slavery before they reach Europe. Since the Obama Administration liberated Libya from long-time dictator Qadaffi in 2011 the successor government has established slave markets to dispose of non-Muslim migrants entering its territory on their way to Europe. The Department for Combating Illegal Migration (DCIM) of the Ministry of the Interior justified the sales arguing that “the Quran explicitly grants Muslims the right to kill or enslave any non-Muslims who fall into our hands. This was Muhammed’s practice. It is our practice. No unbelievers have the right to criticize us for it.”

Anti-Abortion Midwife Loses Case

A Swedish court ruled that the government’s refusal to permit Ellinor Grimmark to practice her trade as a midwife “did not violate her freedom of opinion and expression.”

Judge Bebi Mordare ruled that government authorities were “within their rights to reject Ms. Grimmark’s privilege of conducting her trade in defiance of regulatory standards. Blocking her from her employment does not infringe on her freedom to hold or express her opinions about abortion.”

“The regulators have established professional standards that require all midwives to perform abortions if that is what the patient wishes,” Mordare observed. “Ms. Grimmark’s contention that she should be allowed to select the types of services she will provide is contrary to public policy. Further, her suggestion that patients wanting an abortion have many other midwives who do not have moral objections to the procedure from which to choose stems from an incorrect premise on who is empowered to make the choice. First and foremost, it is the government’s prerogative to decide who will be granted the option to choose. In regard to abortions, that option has been granted to the patients. Medical personnel who balk at carrying out any patient’s choice are behaving unprofessionally and may be barred from the profession.”

Ms. Grimmark’s unsuccessful effort to regain the right to continue her work birthing babies has left her with $170,000 in legal bills. She has moved to Norway where regulations do not require midwives to perform or participate in carrying out abortions.

In related news, Planned Parenthood awarded Hillary Clinton with a “Champion of the Century” award for “her 40 years of advocacy for women who wish to be relieved of unwanted motherhood stemming from unprotected sex. Few have played as important a role in this great cause.”

Editor Says Sweden’s Economy Needs More Immigrants

Åsa Linderborg, the editor of Sweden’s Aftonbladet newspaper, contends that “Sweden’s economy would collapse without illegal immigrants. The influx of large contingents of these people creates extra demand for housing and welfare. This helps support the building trades and social workers, not to mention stimulating Swedes to work longer hours to pay the taxes needed to fund these benefits. Even the violence springing from these unassimilated new residents provides jobs for police, firemen, hospitals, morticians, and insurance adjusters.”

The fact that few of these new immigrants have jobs—only 500 of 2015’s 160,000 immigrants are employed—was dismissed by Linderborg as irrelevant. “Granted, these people aren’t contributing much to the supply side, but their robust demand injects a vital stimulus. In a complex economy can we really afford to reject a specialized role for different segments of the population?”

Biased Media Tougher on Democrats, Clinton Operative Says

This week, former Hillary Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Palmeri agreed that media bias exists, but maintained that “this makes it tougher on Democrats.”

“Look, when CNN or the New York Times portray Republicans as the scum they are the bar is set comfortably low,” She argued. “All any Republican has to do to rise above the bar is: nothing. The mere absence of the usual crime, corruption and depravity puts them in a more positive light than they really deserve.”

“The bar is set much higher for Democrats,” Palmeri said. “We are expected to deliver all-star caliber performances on a daily basis. When despite our best efforts we humanly fall short from time to time the media are forced to acknowledge our failure to live up to the standards everyone expects of us. Take last year’s presidential election. As Trump reeled from scandal to gaffe to racism and verbal abuse he got a pass because no one really expected anything better. In contrast, the slightest misstep from Hillary was easily blown out of proportion. Whether it was the email snafu, the “deplorables” slip of the tongue, or her occasional fatigue—she was relentlessly exposed to unwarranted scrutiny.”

Palmeri expressed pessimism that this imbalance would ever be overcome. “It’s so unfair,” she complained. “I’m afraid that the recent effort to make CNN and the Times the arbiters of what’s true and what’s fake will be too little, too late. The best we can hope for is that the next Democratic Administration will be less tolerant and less merciful than President Obama was. Once all the GOP offenders are taken out the media’s unfair treatment of Democrats can be better regulated via some sort of pre-publication screening and approval procedure.”

In related news, prominent Democrats denounced Rep Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) for her skepticism regarding the gas attack attributed to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean called her “a disgrace” who “should not be in Congress.” Neera Tanden, close ally of Hillary Clinton, chastised voters “for electing a person with such poor judgment.” Republican skeptics Sen. Rand Paul (Ky) and Rep, Thomas Massie (Ky) were not similarly denounced by GOP colleagues, a fact that Dean asserted “reveals the intolerable tolerance that demonstrates their Party’s unfitness to govern.”

Investigation of IRS Targeting Called “Risky”

Lois Lerner, the IRS official implicated in the agency’s illegal targeting of conservative groups for discriminatory treatment, came out strongly against the suggestion by House Republicans Rep. Peter Roskam (R-Ill) and Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Texas) that the Department of Justice look into the matter.

“The reopening of an incident occurring five years ago will only stir up unnecessary interest in something that cannot be undone,” Lerner pleaded. “The animosity that will be unfairly directed at me for misdeeds perpetrated by subordinates without my knowledge is risky. It would expose me to harassment and possible harm without really righting any of the wrongs that were done.”

Lerner also pointed out that “the Department of Justice already considered the matter and absolved me of any culpability. For the case to be reopened now would constitute double jeopardy — something clearly prohibited by the Fifth Amendment.”“If we were to accept Ms. Lerner’s reasoning it would put most serious crimes out of the reach of justice,” Roskam wryly observed. “What is more irremediable than a murder? Should we let the perpetrator off the hook because his crime is ‘something that cannot be undone?’ The abuse of power carried out during Ms. Lerner’s tenure at the IRS is something we cannot abide. An investigation and the application of appropriate remedies is essential if we hope to curb future abuses of a like nature.”

Bad Publicity Sparks Change in Policy at UA

The chaotic and violent ouster of Dr. David Dao from a United Airlines’ flight so an airline employee could fly in his stead has netted the company a heap of undesirable publicity. This has sparked a change in policy.

Company spokeswoman Madeleine Flake admitted that “the flaw in our procedures seemed to be the involuntary aspect of Dr. Dao’s removal from the aircraft. If we could ensure voluntary exit similar scenes should be avoided in the future.”

It appears that the voluntary exit of unwanted passengers will be achieved by giving flight crews the option of releasing poisonous insects from overhead bins. Flake said “the company’s expectation is that once passengers are aware that noncompliance might expose them to this risk they will more readily give up their seats. A test run of the new policy was conducted on a recent flight from Houston, Texas to Calgary in Canada and we were very pleased with the results. 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

 

Chelsea Clinton Gives Career Advice

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnFormer First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted herself as “a working model of what a young woman needs to do to succeed in today’s world. I know that a lot of women in my generation are pretty bummed about my Mom’s loss to Donald Trump. But they need to get off their duffs and get going. Just do what I did.”

“One thing that I highly recommend for others is to get a job with a major television news outlet,” she suggested. “These jobs are very rewarding. My starting salary at NBC News was $600,000. This type of salary will enable any young woman to make a major dent in her student-loan debt.”

“Another good way to get ahead is to serve on corporate boards,” Chelsea recommended. “I’m on two. Expedia pays me $40,000 per year plus $250,000 in stock options. Inter Active Corporation pays me a $300,000 annual retainer. The work is not arduous and doesn’t take much time—just a couple of meetings a year. You don’t even have to say anything at the meetings. You just have to be there. Nod a few times to show interest in what’s being said. It’s a great gig.”

“And don’t overlook the opportunity in doing books,” she added. “Find someone who will write what you tell them to write. The publisher will pay for you to go on a book tour, so you get free travel. You get to go on TV and sit in book stores for a few hours signing autographs in a bunch of different cities. It’s great.”

“Now people are encouraging me to run for president,” Chelsea boasted. “Naturally, I wouldn’t expect everyone to rise as rapidly as I have. Not everyone is blessed with the same set of skills I have. But everyone can try a little harder. If you want money, ask for money. If you want more time for yourself, take it. Men have monopolized these tactics for too long. It’s time women get their fair share. I’ve shown them how to do it.”

Audit of HUD Uncovers $500 Billion Errors

In a bid to improve procedures and results at the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), incoming Secretary Ben Carson asked for an audit of past spending. He was stunned by the finding that there were accounting mistakes amounting to more than $500 billion.

“I expected to discover numerous problems, but the magnitude of the mess exceeded my wildest estimates,” Carson said. “Whether this is the result of incompetence or fraud or both remains to be sorted out.”

The Obama Administration Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro chided his successor for “going backward rather than forward. We don’t need to be obsessed with bean counting. We need to ensure that everyone is properly housed. That’s a vast undertaking. There are bound to be some mistakes made.”

Castro pointed out that “the Inspector General’s report by itself can’t prove any of the money was stolen. Just because money is missing doesn’t mean someone wrongly took it. There could be thousands of explanations for what happened. The important thing is that the number of homeless people in this country declined during Obama’s presidency. That achievement was worth any cost.”

Carson was not as willing to overlook the financial discrepancies, though. “Good intentions can be undermined by bad methods,” the Secretary observed. “Every dollar lost through waste or theft diminishes the resources available to aid those truly in need. I can’t accept the former Secretary’s cavalier attitude toward the unnecessarily larger burden imposed on taxpayers as a result of his apparent mismanagement of the Department.”

Penalties Proposed for “Fake News”

Frustrated with its inability to control the narrative in our current age of abundant social media, the Merkel Regime has decided to fine media firms that allow false news on their platforms. The penalty can range as high as $50 million for an offense the government determines is “dangerously out-of-step with accepted views.”

German Justice Minister Heiko Maas lamented that “unconstrained free speech has unleashed an avalanche of uniformed and anti-social messages being posted on FaceBook and Twitter. The proof of the danger is the fact that an unhinged Donald Trump was able to exploit Twitter to foment disrespect for his eminently more qualified opponent and win the American presidential election. We are not going to sit by and let that happen to Germany. It is the government’s responsibility to protect its citizens from being duped by unauthorized purveyors of fake news.”

A similar piece of legislation was introduced in the California Legislature by Assemblyman Ed Chau (D-Monterey Park). Under his bill anyone who writes, publishes or even shares news stories that could be false would face punishment.

Chau called the bill “an important step forward in the fight against ‘fake news’ and deceptive campaign tactics. It used to be difficult for malcontents to slander the government. Newspaper editors controlled whose letters they printed. TV and radio decided who deserved air time. Now, anyone who can write or record a video can have it viewed by millions on the Internet or Twitter. We need to restore the filter provided by legitimate media. My bill does that.”

The Assemblyman rebuffed critics who contend his bill violates the First Amendment, saying that “the First Amendment says ‘Congress shall pass no law abridging freedom of speech.’ Well, the California Assembly is not Congress and my bill doesn’t abridge freedom of speech. It merely establishes standards that would outlaw false or incorrect speech by unqualified or deceptive amateurs.”

Evolving Views on Crime

Rep. Maxine Waters told MSNBC News’ Chris Hayes that President Trump and Fox News host Bill O’Reilly “need to go to jail.” Their offense: disrespect toward women.

“If you will recall, during last year’s presidential campaign Donald Trump was caught on tape bragging about molesting women,” Waters said. “Later on a secret dossier revealed that he paid prostitutes to urinate on a bed that President Obama had slept on when he visited Moscow. In a just world this kind of behavior would be a crime. I’m hoping that after he is impeached he will go to prison for these misogynistic crimes.”

Waters’ beef with O’Reilly was more personal. “His on-air mockery of my hair style is as an egregious demonstration of sexual harassment as I’ve ever experienced,” she complained. “It was a low blow. If I ran the government O’Reilly would be behind bars.”

Speaking of crime, Georgetown Law professor and former federal prosecutor Paul Butler opined on NPR that “given that Blacks in America suffered through 200 years of slavery and 100 years of Jim Crow laws they have banked enough misery to offset most of the criminal charges they are accused of under our justice system. Cops shouldn’t arrest them. Juries shouldn’t convict them. Judges shouldn’t send them to prison. And white victims should stop complaining. Getting robbed by a Black man is probably the only form of reparations this country is  ever going to see.”

In Wisconsin, Dane County Judge Everett Mitchell held forth a similar point of view, saying “I just don’t think we should be prosecuting cases of Black people who steal from Wal-Mart. These big companies have insurance, so there’s no loss to anyone from allowing our people to get their piece of the pie.”

In Philadelphia, Judge Wayne Bennett argued that “white folks deserve all they get and more from the Blacks who prey upon them. No matter how violent young Black punks are towards white people, it will never make up for all the violence against people of color throughout this nation’s history.”

Rice Tries Out Different Surveillance Rationales

Serial liar and former President Barack Obama’s national security adviser, Susan Rice tried out several versions of events as emerging evidence demolished earlier stories she told about the surveillance activities carried out during the Obama term.

In the first version the possibility that Donald Trump and his team were spied on by the government was flatly denied. “As FBI Director James Comey has clearly stated, there was no wire-tapping of Trump,” Rice maintained.

After it turned out that the Obama Administration had covertly listened in on Trump team members’ phone calls, Rice asserted that she “knew nothing about it.” When White House logs showed that Rice has explicitly requested copies of transcripts—including the names of the Trump people overheard—her story shifted to “what I did was completely legal. Unmasking the names of Americans incidentally captured on these intercepts is not a crime.”

When “incidentally” appeared to founder after it was discovered that Trump was placed under surveillance long before the whole Russian conspiracy theory was hatched, Rice latched onto the “I was just following orders” meme. “The bottom line is that the President is responsible for national security,” she pointed out. “If the President requests surveillance of any person, who among us has the right to refuse this request? I mean, according to the Constitution the president is the nation’s supreme leader. Consequently, whatever he orders, whatever he does must, ipso facto, be legal. And by extension, whatever I did at his behest must also be legal.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congresswoman Defends Government Surveillance of Trump

By  John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week’s revelation by Democratic operative Evelyn Farkas that the Obama Administration had the Trump campaign under surveillance and shared the information gathered with the Hillary Clinton campaign sparked a spirited defense from long-time California Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

“Many small-minded people focus on the illegality of spying on American citizens for political gain as if that is more important than the fact that a traitor has become this nation’s president,” Waters said. “President Obama put in place an organization that contains a kind of database that no one has ever seen before in life. That’s going to be very very powerful and that database will have information about everything on every individual on ways that it’s never been done before.”

While this colossal invasion of privacy would seem to dwarf the 1972 Watergate scandal in which a small contingent of GOP burglars invaded Democratic Party offices in Washington, DC in pursuit of political files they believed would aid the reelection of President Nixon, Waters contends that “by resigning Nixon essentially confessed to his crimes. In contrast, President Obama left after a scandal-free two full terms in office. No one in the media accused him of any crime. My only regret is that is that the effort he put into accumulating the database was not sufficient to prevent Trump and the Russians from rigging the election in his favor.”

Ironically, thus far, the only solid evidence linking Russia to the 2016 election is the $35 million the Putin Government paid Hillary Campaign Chairman John Podesta in 2011 when he was an adviser to her while she was at the State Department. This is probably not the “Russia conspiracy” that Podesta had in mind when he criticized the media for “not playing it up enough during the campaign.”

In related news, CBS dismissed allegations that the Clintons received any compensation for the sale of 20% of America’s uranium output to Russia while Hillary was Secretary of State. Anchor Scott Pelley argued that a subsequent $500,000 payment to Bill for a Moscow speech, a $2.35 million donation to the Clinton Foundation by the Russian firm’s chairman and $145 million in donations from nine other shareholders were “merely coincidental. No one has been able to produce any contractual documents showing an explicit exchange of State Department approval of the uranium transfer in return for monetary compensation.”

California to Prosecute Exposure of Planned Parenthood’s Ghoulish Profiteering

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra has filed 15 felony charges against David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for secretly recording Planned Parenthood officials who thought they were negotiating the sale of body parts from aborted fetuses. The crime: recording without consent.

“Inasmuch as the sales being negotiated were of dubious legality it should be obvious that the Planned Parenthood officials whose words were captured on video would not have voluntarily consented,” Becerra pointed out. “The covert recording and subsequent airing of the conversations did irreparable harm to the reputations of both the Planned Parenthood organization and the individuals who work there.”

Becerra rejected the assertion that “the crass dismemberment of the fetuses for commercial gain is a crime worthy of exposure. A woman’s right to an abortion has been unalienable under our laws since 1973. The manner in which the excised tissue will be disposed of is a private matter. No woman should have her decision second-guessed because this tissue is exchanged for funds to help support the organization that has provided the health care services.”

The possibility that Daleiden and Merritt could go to prison for their investigative journalism didn’t faze Becerra one bit. “We need to send as strong a message as we can that any action intended to impede a woman’s right to an abortion will be sternly dealt with,” Becerra said. “By making an example of these two we may discourage others from imitating them.”

In related news, DeShawn Taylor, previous Medical Director of Planned Parenthood of Arizona, acknowledged that “in the effort to secure the optimal quantity of valuable fetal tissue sometimes a baby accidentally survives the abortion procedure. Depending on who’s in the room when this happens it may or may not be a problem. In theory, we’re supposed to send survivors to the hospital. But if there are no unreliable observers present the more practical course is to simply wait for the fetus to die so we can harvest the parts we’re already obligated to deliver to the purchaser so we we don’t lose the revenue.”

Academic Progress against Freedom of Speech

In Florida, a student—Marshall Polston—was suspended for challenging his Muslim professor Areej Zufari’s assertion that the claim Jesus was crucified is a hoax. Rollins College officials maintained that “the suspension was necessary because the student disobeyed the instructor’s order to stay out of the classroom. We strive to ensure an orderly transmission of knowledge from the professor to the students. Those students who disrupt this process by needlessly disagreeing with the teacher must be removed for the process to work as designed.”

However, when evidence, including surveillance camera footage, contradicted Zufari’s contention that Polston had been disruptive the suspension was reversed. Nevertheless, Polston was admonished by school authorities to “use this occasion to reflect on how best to express your opinion and treat others in a respectful manner.” Despite having her allegations disproved, Zufari received no similar admonishment.

In Pennsylvania, Drexel University Professor George Ciccariello-Maher, a self-described communist, urged students to “do whatever is necessary to prevent Charles Murray from speaking on our campus. We must make it clear that people like him have no right to spew their opinions among us. The university must be safe from the intrusion of anti-progressive thought.”

Murray has written dozens of books on social policy from a libertarian perspective—a fact which irks Ciccariello. “Murray’s notion that freedom is the preferred state for the human species is naive,” Ciccariello contended. “Individuals aren’t competent to run their own lives. In the ideal society the intellegentsia act as the community’s brain—directing each individual toward his proper role in service of the collective. Nonconforming views like those espoused by Murray have no place in our world.”

Ciccariello attained some notoriety last December for his tweet “all I want for Christmas is white genocide.” and his further demand that “we really need to abolish the White race. As I advised my son, if we had the courage to selectively poison them or send them to gulag-style death camps the world would be a better place.” Though he himself is White, Ciccariello declined to personally implement his own extermination “because I need to stick around to continue my role as spiritual adviser to the colored races.”

In California, Pierce College, a branch of the Los Angeles Community College District in Woodland Hills, blocked a student—Kevin Shaw—from passing out copies of the US Constitution on campus. California Community Colleges Chancellor Eloy Ortiz Oakley explained that “every campus has a designated free speech area where students can say whatever they want as long as it doesn’t offend anyone. Mr. Shaw’s complaint that the ten-by twenty foot space set aside for this purpose is inadequate is not borne out by the evidence. I hardly ever see anyone in this space. If anything, I think we might’ve been overly generous. Unless Shaw can demonstrate to our satisfaction that more space is needed he should keep quiet.”

“Freedom of speech is a natural right held by all Americans,” Shaw argued. “The College’s contention that it is a matter of density of the occupation of a ridiculous artificial ‘free speech zone’ completely misses the point. Every American has the right to respectfully express his political opinions in any public area, which on this campus would be virtually all outdoor areas between the buildings. Certainly, the distribution of a document informing people of their constitutional rights is protected freedom of speech.”

Veto Bars Abused Women from Obtaining Guns

Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) vetoed a legislative act that would have allowed women with a protective order against a violent spouse or domestic partner to quickly obtain a handgun permit. Normally, it takes about 45 days to process a handgun permit request.

McAuliffe said the bill would be a threat to public safety. “There are already too many people with guns,” he argued. “We ought to be decreasing the number of them who are armed.” The Governor explicitly rejected the contention that women at risk of bodily harm from domestic partners would benefit from the legislation. “Very few abusers actually kill their partners. But if the women are armed they may kill someone. So, basically, the bill would take us from a situation in which a few women are killed to one in which many more men may get shot. I don’t like those odds.”

The Governor also argued that “arming these women would complicate the legal picture. Right now, if she is killed by her partner we can prosecute him with a clear conscience. If she shoots him the situation becomes more murky. Unlike police, these women aren’t trained to know when a shooting is or isn’t justified. This bill would increase the chances that she’d face criminal charges. I can’t sign on to a law that might convert her from an innocent victim to a possible felon.”

Philip Van Cleave, president of the Virginia Citizens Defense League, contested the Governor’s reasoning saying that “when a woman seeks a protective order the situation is already fraught with dire peril. An abuser used to easy access to his victim frequently becomes incensed at her last ditch effort to put some distance between them. Making her wait 45 days before she can legally arm herself puts her in great danger that a physically stronger man will hurt her, perhaps fatally. This bill would’ve closed that gap.”

Candidate Lies about National Security Experience

Jon Ossoff, the Georgia Democrat running for the House seat vacated by Republican Tom Price who is now Trump’s Secretary of Health and Human Services, has been campaigning as a man “with five years of top secret security clearance.” The truth is that Ossoff has had quite a bit less time with top secret clearance.

While the candidate admitted that he had a US top secret clearance for only five months he defended his campaign claims by asserting that his employment at an investigative film company that does work for Al Jazeera over the last three years “has more than equaled any national security experience I might’ve gained by working for the United States government.”

Election day is April 18th, but early voting turnout suggests that Ossoff is leading in the race.

In related news, Rep. Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Tex) announced his candidacy for the senate seat currently held by Ted Cruz. A key factor motivating his challenge has been “Cruz’s failure to represent the people on the Mexico side of the border. They are not citizens, but they still have an abiding interest in ensuring that immigration, legal and otherwise, remains unimpeded by the Trump Administration.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.