By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Kori Ali Muhammad, the man under arrest for four murders, demanded he be released as “reparation for slavery. Whites enslaved millions of blacks and killed thousands of them. The four white men I shot can’t begin to balance the scales of justice. I need to be free to continue my work to even the score.”
His initial victim was Carl Williams, an unarmed security guard at a Motel 6 in Fresno, California. Muhammad claimed this killing was additionally justified because “he disrespected my right as a Muslim to consummate the sex for which I had paid a resident at the motel.”
Muhammad was apprehended during a shooting spree that took the lives of three more victims in his self-proclaimed mission “to kill as many white people as I could” after he had learned he was a wanted suspect in the Motel 6 murder. “I was afraid that a single murder would portray me as a common criminal. By broadening the scope of my actions I converted what might be perceived as petty motives into a noble crusade for historical justice. My current incarceration while awaiting trial continues the racism that has oppressed people of color in this country for hundreds of years.”
Muhammad’s quest received some sympathy from Drexel professor George–“All I want for Christmas is white genocide”—Ciccariello, who declared that “the arrest and persecution of this man for his initiative in righting a historical wrong makes me want to vomit. He just doing what every black person has an absolute moral right to do.”
Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems”
Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises.
She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to actually be able to solve problems, or make money, or innovate, we actually need to know how these remarkable organs work.”
Brennan pointed to her work on ducks to support the case for federal funding of this type of research. “My study of duck penises established that male ducks essentially rape female ducks,” she observed. “The contention that this type of behavior evolved to perpetuate the species doesn’t make it morally right. Parallels in our own species raise serious questions about what we, as a society, should do to protect women from the unwanted attentions of men. Republican assertions that this type of research is an improper use of public funds are ludicrous.”
This weekend Brennan is sacrificing precious time that she would rather spend probing her whale organ to participate in a “march for science.” “Those of us on the frontiers of science are being unnecessarily diverted from crucial research in order to prevent the enemies of knowledge from taking their pound of flesh from us,” she lamented.
White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney rebutted Brennan’s argument saying “we are not suppressing anyone’s research. The academic community will remain free to pursue whatever topics they wish with whatever funds they are able to raise from voluntary donations. What we are aiming to do is free taxpayers from being coerced into financing activities that are not within the constitutional powers of the government.”
Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment”
This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate.
“Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we champion. The university was well within its rights to defend its public space from being exploited by this awful woman.”
Dean assailed “the notion that hateful words and ideas can infiltrate our communities and airwaves under the guise of freedom of speech is a threat that must be stopped by any means necessary. The violent protests lodged by the Antifa movement are an encouraging sign that the young people of our universities understand what’s at stake. In many instances they have been successful in deterring the airing of inappropriate ideas. But we can’t let young people bear the entire burden of silencing evil thoughts. Those right-thinking individuals among us who hold the reins of power at the state level or in the courts need to put forth a commensurate effort to end the noise pollution emitted by the likes of Coulter and her ilk.”
In related news, the masked AntiFa demonstrator who bashed a Trump supporter in the head with a bicycle lock turned out to be Professor Eric Clanton of Diablo Valley College in California. “If those in authority had done a better job of protecting college students from hate speech professors wouldn’t have to take it on themselves to do what should’ve been done,” Dean said. “It’s disheartening that the best and brightest feel compelled to wear masks while they are defending the progressive agenda.”
Communist Surges in French Election
Jean-Luc Mélenchon, the joint candidate of the French Communist Party and the Unbowed France political movement, is surging in the polls following his pledge to “raise taxes on the rich to 100% and gut the goose that lays the golden eggs for the benefit of the working class.”
“The idea that anyone has the right to withhold anything from the people and their representative, the state, is a pernicious doctrine we must exterminate,” Mélenchon said. “For too long progressives have held back from this obvious truth and solution to society’s problems. When everything is thrown into the common pot and shared equally no one will suffer deprivation. All will enjoy the abundance of our common effort.”
Mélenchon is also considered “cool” by millennials for his use of technology to get his message across. His appearance at multiple rallies simultaneously as a hologram has excited the youth of the nation. Paris university student Bernard Balourd gushed, “it’s like he’s from a galaxy far away. This gives me confidence that he will be the one to lead France to a bright new future. I only wish he would add sharing the grades of A-students with the rest of us. In my way of thinking, hoarding knowledge and effort is as bad as hoarding wealth.”
Meanwhile, rival presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron from the En Marche! Party, sought to outflank Mélenchon and lock-up the pusillanimous vote by assuring French citizens that “terrorism will be a daily fact of life when I’m president. The false hope purveyed by Le Pen that we can eradicate this problem via a program of resistance and expulsion of Islamic troublemakers is a ‘bridge too far.’ The sooner we acclimate to the new reality, the quicker we can return to our essential French persona.”
However, even this ridiculously flaccid stance was assailed by anti-capitalist party candidate Philippe Poutou who argued that “a more rigorous policy of appeasement toward Islamists is the wiser road. Was collaboration with the Germans really worse than the horrors of the D-Day invasion? I think the destruction wrought by the clash of Allied armies with the Germans was far more severe than anything that transpired during the occupation. I’m confident that the sane segment of voters will agree with me.”
In related news, House Democrat Maxine Waters admitted that “taxpayers are subjected to painful levels of taxation,” but insisted “it is for their own good. Everyone knows the saying ‘no pain, no gain.’ While taxpayers may groan under the impositions we place on them, the transfer of vital resources from the selfish hands of individuals to the socially-conscious hands of the government is better for the collective whole. That Trump wants to impede and maybe even reverse this salutary process reemphasizes the urgency of our effort to impeach him.”
Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama
A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as “proof I did nothing wrong.” The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama’s vice chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff James Cartwright, Army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, CIA officer and whistleblower John Kiriakou, NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden, reporter Audrey Hudson, FBI agent and contractor Donald Sachtleben, former state department contractor Stephen Jin-Woo Kim, the Senate Intelligence Committee, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, former CIA employee Jeffrey Alexander Sterling, unspecified members of Congress, American-Jewish groups, Trump adviser Carter Page, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, and President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team.
“This list completely debunks Trump’s contention that he was unfairly singled out for surveillance,” Rice added. “For years a wide variety of individuals from various walks of life were designated for covert oversight. All of this was done under the President’s authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief. Those coming forward now to criticize this tread awfully close to the boundary demarcating treason. It is they who should be fearful of their actions, not me.”
Rice also characterized recent revelations that Obama’s CIA director, John Brennan colluded with foreign governments in an attempt to prevent the election of Donald Trump as “a heroic demonstration of patriotism and loyalty to the President. Here we have a man unconstrained by mere adherence to statutory law going the extra mile to try to ensure that the C-in-C’s legacy would not be subverted by a man with no commitment to the values shared by members of government from both sides of the aisle. Director Brennan should be receiving the thanks of a grateful nation rather than being criticized by persons of questionable motives.”