Democrat Enraged Over Revived Interest in Rich Murder

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnLong-time Democratic Party operative John Podesta proclaimed former House Speaker Newt Ginrich’s speculation that DNC staffer Seth Rich may have been assassinated “disgusting.”

After so much time has passed I think it’s likely that we’ll never know why this young man died,” Podesta asserted. “The DC police forgot to ask for surveillance tapes from all the CCTVs in the vicinity of the shooting. They forgot to seek witnesses at the bar Seth visited just before he died. They have his laptop, but since he didn’t have it with him when he was shot I don’t see how it could shed any light on the crime. There just aren’t any more clues to be found.”

Gingrich contended that “the absence of any evidence that Rich was robbed casts doubt over the hastily offered theory that the murder was part of a robbery gone wrong. Since that theory hasn’t solved the case perhaps other theories of the crime should be considered. The emergence of a claim by Kim Dotcom that he worked with Rich to forward DNC emails to Wikileaks and that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation is a plausible alternative theory that, in my opinion, merits examination.”

An alternate theory that might explain Podesta’s rage at the renewed interest in the fate of Seth Rich might be the revelation in one of his emails published by Wikileaks, where he wrote that he was “definitely for making an example of a suspected leaker whether or not we have any real basis for it.” If, as Dotcom claims, Rich was the Wikileaks source, his murder could be “an example” aimed at discouraging other potentially disloyal Democrats.

European Leaders Say Islamic Attacks “Not a Major Threat”

Murderous attacks by Islamic fanatics in the United Kingdom, Egypt, Indonesia, and the Philippines this week moved US President Donald Trump to make an impassioned plea for the civilized world to unite to fight against this terrorism. As obvious as such a call to action would appear to rational individuals, it inspired push back from several European leaders.

French President Emmanuel Macron challenged Trump’s priorities saying that “the murder of concert goers or nightclub patrons by ‘lone wolf’ terrorists does not pose the same existential threat that global climate change does. As heart breaking as the mass slaying of Ariana Grande’s fans may have been, it doesn’t rise to the level of a significant threat to our way of life. No important leader of any nation was endangered. Every important leader agrees that resources must not be diverted away from the more serious environmental issue of fighting global warming.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel seconded Macron’s views and added her own objections to Trump’s suggestion that her country honor its NATO obligations. “Mr. Trump’s single-minded focus on military strength as the proper response to terror not only detracts from the unity necessary to combat climate change, it also overlooks the spending we have incurred in bringing Middle Easter refugees to Germany,” she said. “In the short-run some of these refugees have ‘bitten the hand that feeds them,’ but over the longer term the fecundity of these immigrants will ensure a more harmonious future for our country and the world.”

UK Prime Minister Theresa May observed that “the irony of Mr. Trump’s position is that it is the United States that poses the biggest threat to the rest of the world. Under his leadership, it is the United States that is out-of-step with the rest of us. His call for terrorists to be ‘driven out of this earth’ is culturally insensitive and burns the bridges we have been trying to build through our refugee rescue efforts. Trump’s notion that we should fight to preserve ‘Western values’ is a false hope. Islam’s march to world domination cannot be prevented. Their belief in their vision is so strong they are willing to die to make it happen. We cannot match their fervor. An accommodation is our only sensible option and Mr. Trump is the biggest single barrier to achieving it.”

Former US President Barack Obama traveled to Europe to express his solidarity with “their more sophisticated understanding of reality. Europe isn’t trying to wall itself off from immigration like Trump wants the United States to do. Walls send a hostile message telling others to ‘stay out of my yard.’ Good neighbors aren’t so obsessively possessive. They don’t fuss if the kids next door play in their yard. They cooperate to promote a safe and healthy environment like that sought by the Paris Accord on climate change. They cooperate to provide refuge for those fleeing war or poverty as Germany has so heroically done the last few years.”

Despite his denigration of Trump’s pledge to protect America from unsavory outsiders, the ex-president’s DC residence just completed construction of its own impressive wall around the property. Obama confidante Valerie Jarrett denied that there was any hypocrisy, saying that “the wall is needed to protect against the violent society that Trump’s election has brought to this country.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rebuked President Trump’s foreign trip, alleging that “visiting these places out of alphabetical order is a sign of mental disorder. Going to Saudi Arabia before going to Israel and France is, to me, unfathomable. No one in their right mind would do that. Clearly, our nation is being run by a person unfit for the office.”

Trump Wants Work Requirement for Food Stamps

A feature of Trump’s proposed federal budget that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton labeled “unimaginably cruel” is a requirement that able-bodied persons receiving food stamps do a small amount of work in exchange for the benefit.

Making people work in order to eat is slavery, pure and simple,” Clinton declared. “People shouldn’t be punished for being poor and hungry. The choice of whether to work or not is one that should freely made without economic duress.”

Let’s face it,” she said, “for most of those on food stamps the work alternatives available are dead-end drudgery. No one dreams of jobs like these and no one should be forced to give up their dreams just to put food on the table. America is rich enough to put food on everyone’s table. It is the moral obligation of those who have more than they need to care for those who have less. It is the government’s obligation to compel those who do not voluntarily fulfill this obligation.”

CBS Exposes Deadly Impact of “Trump Economy”

The upsurge in economic activity that has followed from Donald Trump’s elevation to the presidency has an unpublicized “dark side” according to a recent newscast from CBS.

Network correspondent Norah O’Donnell explained that “what the Trump Administration failed to consider was that getting people off unemployment and welfare and into the workforce means more will be on the roads driving to their jobs. This exposes them to higher risk of death and injury in traffic crashes.”

Worse, the risk isn’t confined to the work commute,” O’Donnell breathlessly told viewers. “When people are more prosperous they also travel more for recreation. In fact, the National Safety Council predicts more than 400 people could be killed in crashes this Memorial Day Weekend. The concealment of this information by President Trump is a crime against humanity.”

The safety gains the nation enjoyed under the Obama Administration as millions exited the work-a-day rat race are being cast aside by a mindless fixation on the notion that working is a good thing,” O’Donnell observed. “Facebook founder and acknowledged genius, Mark Zuckerberg pointed the way to a happier and safer future with his recommendation that the government ought to provide an income for everyone so they won’t have to take on the risky task of working just to support themselves.”

Ironically, Zuckerberg disavowed such a strategy for his own employees “because I’m trying to run a business. If I paid people regardless of whether they did any work, output would decline. Work is a disutility. That’s why people have to be paid to do it. If we don’t pay them they won’t work or won’t work as hard or as long. My business would fail.”

Zuckerberg insisted that “the same rules don’t apply to the government. For one, the government has the power to print money. It will never go out of business due to declining output. Second, the government doesn’t have to sell its output in order to earn money. It can just take it through taxation. Finally, outside of transferring money from those who don’t need it to those who do, it is not apparent that the government has any actual essential product or service to offer customers, per se. All the agitation for government programs is basically comprised of calls for someone else to foot the bill for the benefits being demanded.”

UN Says Trump Budget Inadequate

The Trump Administration’s budget aims to reduce the United States’ annual contribution toward funding the United Nations. Stephane Dujarric, spokesman for U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, complained that “the amounts laid out in the budget aren’t sufficient for us to continue the vital work of the organization.”

Currently, there are 193 member nations in the UN. The US has been paying 22% of the UN’s $5.4 billion “core” budget and 28% of the UN’s $7.9 billion “peacekeeping” budget. Trump’s budget proposal would cut the US contribution by one-third and cap the US share of “peacekeeping” at 25%.

Dujarric declared that “the notion that the United States can unilaterally decide how much it will pay is offensive to me. For one, it’s undemocratic. The US represents only 5% of the world population. Allowing a minority to overrule the 95% that wishes the US to pay more is tyranny. The US already has an unfair proportion of the world’s total wealth. It has a moral obligation to share this with those less fortunate. Paying a larger portion of the UN’s expenses would be a convenient start on a more equitable distribution of wealth.”

Obama Admin Spying “Pervasive” and “Illegal”

Recently declassified documents reveal that the Obama Administration’s spying on American citizens went far beyond what the law allowed. Under a pretext of surveilling foreigners, intelligence agencies under Obama gathered data on political opponents and illegally shared this information with outside parties.

Former FBI Director James Comey falsely assured Congress that “this information was lawfully collected, carefully overseen and checked.” In contrast, an Inspector General’s report found “disregard for rules, inadequate training and deficient oversight.” The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) found “hundreds of violations of the FBI’s rules” that occurred during Comey’s tenure as FBI Director.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that “this is very troubling now that Trump is president. The absence of the calming guidance of former President Obama heightens the risk that snooping will be used for evil purposes. Violations that occurred in pursuit of a more socially just world under Obama could easily be turned toward maleficent ends under Trump.”

Blitzer concurred, opining that “no one I know and trust had the least bit of concern when President Obama was in charge. Now, though, anxiety levels are the highest I have ever seen. Will Trump abuse this power to try to spy on progressives? Will he use illegally obtained information to try to intimidate his opposition? I think this may add a new sense of urgency to the movement to remove him from office before this can happen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Media Assails Trump’s “Witch Hunt” Accusation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Donald Trump’s accusation that the media have subjected him to “the worst witch hunt ever experienced by an American politician” was assailed by NBC’s Lester Holt as “wrong in so many ways.”

Mr .Trump’s careless use of the language is yet another page of the case against his presidency,” Holt contended. “Witches are female. The continuing efforts of the GOP to pursue charges against Hillary Clinton that former FBI Director James Comey declared baseless could be fairly described as a witch hunt. The pursuit of Trump’s conspiracy with the Russians to derail her presidential bid would be more accurately termed a ‘warlock hunt.’”

Let’s not forget that Republicans repeatedly dredged up allegations that Secretary Clinton misrepresented the Benghazi attack and impeded rescue, that she traded State Department favors for donations to the Clinton Foundation and hefty speaking fees for her husband, that she illegally transferred classified State Department documents to an off-site insecure computer network, that she conspired with the DNC to rig the Democratic primary in her favor—none of which has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law,” Holt pointed out. “Compare these bogus charges with the persuasive case made by Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) that the Trump campaign’s use of the phrases ‘crooked Hillary’ and ‘lock her up’ show all the classic signs of a Russian disinformation operation and we can see where the truly evil machinations are coming from.”

You’d have thought that the GOP would’ve learned their lesson from their persecution of President Bill Clinton and failed effort to impeach him,” Holt added. “There is no argument or evidence that will put us off the scent. This illegitimate administration is an artifact of a out-dated electoral college system that allowed a minority of voters to trample the will of the majority. We will not be frightened away from our duty to do everything in our power to right this wrong.”

In related news, a study just released by Harvard University’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy found that every one of ten of the major media outlets analyzed have had a bias toward negative portrayals of the Trump Administration. TV news from CNN, NBC, and CBS have been more than 90 percent negative. The New York Times andWashington Post have been more than 80 percent negative. Even supposedly conservative media like the Wall Street Journal and Fox News have been 70 percent and 52 percent negative. The coverage for the previous three administrations was far different, Obama got about a 60 percent positive slant. Bush and Clinton both got a negative slant, but with a more modest 60 percent negative slant.

DOJ Statements in Wake of Comey Dismissal Doubted

The hysterical media narrative that Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey is evidence of “obstruction of justice” took several hits this week when statements from Department of Justice personnel contradicted this premise.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said “I stand by my recommendation that Director Comey be fired. There were just too many instances in which he demonstrated failure and lack of adherence to clearly defined responsibilities. I was convinced that he was not and could not be an effective leader of the FBI.”

Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe rebutted the notion that Trump’s action to fire Comey would have any effect on the Agency’s investigation of anything. “There has been no effort to impede our investigation,” McCabe said. He also denied that the Russian investigation was underfunded. “The allegation that Comey could’ve been fired because he sought more funding is not supported by the facts.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) asserted that “the statements by Rosenstein and McCabe cannot be taken at face value. After Trump has fired Comey an atmosphere of fear has gripped the nation. These men, regardless of their desire to do the right thing can’t help but be intimidated. Their jobs, maybe even their lives might be on the line if they get crosswise with the President.”

In related news, Rod Wheeler, a private investigator hired to look into the murder of DNC employee Seth Rich last July relayed some disturbing information about his inquiries. “So far the so-called official investigation has gone nowhere,” Wheeler observed. “Despite making no progress on their own, DC police contacted my employers to communicate the DNC’s concern about me ‘snooping around’ the case. One of the things that has come out is that tens of thousands of DNC emails were turned over to Wikileaks last year. This raises the possibility that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation for that. The raw facts of the murder don’t support the official theory that he was killed in a robbery. None of his valuables—not his wallet, not his watch, not his cell phone—were stolen. The unfortunate Mr. Rich is another victim in a long string of a mysterious and unsolved homicides of individuals connected to the Democratic Party.”

Governor Calls Taxpayers “Freeloaders”

California Governor Jerry Brown (D) lashed out at opponents of recent state tax increases calling them “freeloaders.”

I’ve had it with then,” Brown complained. “They think that they have a champion in Trump whose ‘siren song’ of self-reliance as the way to prosperity is leading so many away from their responsibility to the human collective. The reluctance to pay taxes is selfish. It is everyone’s obligation to carry their fair share of the burden. It is the government task to determine what that share is for each individual. Once that determination is made refusal to cooperate is anti-social.”

The State’s latest tax hike raised already high levies on gasoline and automobile registrations. Harried taxpayer Kira Davis bristled at the Governor’s characterization, “without taxpayers there would be no funding for the millions of Californians on welfare and the lame public works boondoggles that are aimed at getting votes for the Democrats whose only contribution is to contrive egregious schemes to loot those who produce the wealth of this state.”

Brown invited “Davis and all the other crybabies to get with the program or get out. We don’t need the poison of uncooperative ideas polluting our state and slowing our progress. If we all march in step there’s no limit to what we can accomplish as a society.”

The Governor warned those he urged to leave the state “to abandon the hope that they will be allowed to take their money with them. All wealth is the property of all the people. Democrats control both Houses of the legislature. I see no impediment to enactment of an exit tax that will ensure that resources belonging to the state stay in the state.”

In related news, illegal aliens in San Francisco are reportedly avoiding joining the welfare rolls believing that it may help them escape detection and possible deportation—a trend that Brown called “tragic. The whole point of immigrating to America is to share in the abundance that nature has bestowed on our great country. This behavior inspired by Trump’s hostility to others partaking of the American dream is, in my opinion, an impeachable offense.”

Candidate Says “Sexploits” Make Him Ideal Person to Govern

Noah Dyer, a Democratic candidate for governor in Arizona, boasts that “my extensive sexual experiences equip me to understand the issues most important to the citizens of this state. For adults, and some children, sex is the most rewarding activity they will ever know. Few others understand this as well as I do. That will be the key to my ascension to the throne of governor.”

Dyer laid out his qualifications arguing that “my frequent casual sex, sex with married women, sex with multiple partners at once, sexting, and video-taping my sexual encounters demonstrate an unprecedented transparency among those of us who will seek votes in the upcoming race. My willingness to share videos of myself having sex with beautiful people will dominate the insipid family photos that my opponents will try to pass off as proof of their fitness.”

The candidate said he couldn’t “rule out the possibility that the vast number of individuals who have enjoyed my lovemaking might constitute a majority of eligible voters in the state. When you’ve banged as many people as I have it gives you a great deal of confidence in your own ability to service the rest of the state. Once I am governor I expect many more satisfied partners will ensure that I am not a one-termer.”

Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains

A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking.

It’s kind of ironic when you think about it,” Swart observed. “Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it “the worst slander of a profession in the annals of world history. It could hardly be more obvious that Swart is on Putin’s payroll. What she sees as a lack of creative and flexible thinking is refuted by the daily creativity we have shown in generating scandals against Trump and the flexibility we have demonstrated in shifting the focus of public discussion using unverified sources.”

Acosta bragged that “some of our best ideas are born during ‘happy hour.’ Because Trump never imbibes he cuts himself off from this tried and true well of inspiration that writers have used for centuries. Look at the great journalist Hunter Thompson. I’d take his lubricated output over Trump’s soberest thoughts any day of the week.”

Apprised of Acosta’s remarks, Swart replied that “while Mr. Acosta was not part of the group we studied, his comments are consistent with our findings.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Controversy Over Comey Dismissal

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Democrats who previously had called for Comey’s departure denounced the move.

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), Vice Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), contends that “it has thrown the nation into a real constitutional crisis. Here we have a man who should never have been allowed to be president act as if he is the president. Since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote it seems to me that any changes in the personnel in the Executive Branch ought to be approved by her before they are made.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) agreed. “When a person who should not be president usurps the authority of the office that is grounds for impeachment,” she argued. “Hillary Clinton should be the one to determine whether Comey deserved to be fired. Considering how he betrayed her during the campaign she would be justified in firing him. I could support that. The Trump Administration’s complaint that Comey was doing a terrible job, over-stepping his authority, and impeding the investigation of leaks of classified information are illegitimate because they originate from an illegitimate president.”

Waters dismissed evidence that Comey sat on 600 million pages documenting the Obama Administration’s massive illegal surveillance operation targeting American citizens as “irrelevant. The fact is that if President Obama approved this surveillance its revelation by a whistle blower is treason, pure and simple. The FBI Director has no obligation not to impede an investigation that would impugn our last legitimate president’s actions to protect this country from its domestic enemies.”

Following Comey’s dismissal the New York Times published leaks from anonymous sources said to be Comey’s “associates at the Bureau.” The leaks reportedly gave details of a private, in-person, one-on-one conversation between Comey and President Trump. The leakers’ allegation that Trump asked for Comey’s loyalty is unverified. However, the very existence of this “leak” does seem to validate the premise that despite his denials that he has never leaked anything to the media nor authorized any of his subordinates to do so, Comey either is the source of this leak or that the leak is totally fabricated.

Michelle Obama Assails School Lunch Deregulation

Former First Lady Michelle Obama, the instigator of rules that led to massive trashing of school lunches across America, expressed her dismay at the Trump Administration’s decision to allow local school authorities to select their own menus. “What is wrong with these people?” she wanted to know. “The menus crafted under my guidance were carefully balanced for the right combinations of nutritious food.”

Trump Administration Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the move, saying that “requiring schools to set out food that students won’t eat accomplishes nothing. Rather than force everyone to conform to a standard that leads to waste we are allowing local people who likely have a better idea of what their students will eat the latitude to make their own decisions.”

Michelle labeled Perdue’s reasoning “ignorant” and “a recipe for sickness and death. It shifts power from the recognized experts to local yahoos too weak to take on the task of altering the food prejudices of the masses. This ‘laissez faire‘ attitude reverses the gains made during my husband’s administration. And for what? Is the freedom to poison one’s body with an unhealthful diet now some sort of inalienable right? I think most parents and voters will see it as a criminal attack on the health of our young people that clearly fits within the ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ grounds for impeachment.”

Muslim Persecution in US Worse than ISIS Massacre of Christians

This week, ABC News political analyst Matthew Dowd challenged evangelist Franklin Graham’s concerns about the persecution of Christians around the globe, calling it “overblown. A far worse problem is the persecution of Muslims right here in the United States.”

While the practice of Christianity is illegal in some Muslim countries and severely hampered in others, Muslims in the US openly attend mosques and pray in public without any officially sanctioned interference and little unofficial notice or impediments. While Muslim fanatics readily heed the Quran’s call to slaughter unbelievers who refuse to convert, there is no similar scriptural call for Christians to kill members of other faiths and Muslims are free to move about without being blown apart, shot, or beheaded by Christian zealots.

To Dowd, though, the absence of contemporary atrocities by Christians is “historically myopic. Let’s not forget that a thousand years ago popes called upon Christians to take back lands conquered by Muslims in that religion’s great era of expansion. As former President Obama pointed out, plenty of Muslims died at the hands of pious Christians during these ‘Crusades.’”

“The insidious signs of Muslim persecution in the US are evinced by the disapproving stares of Americans who disrespect their traditional garb, the extra scrutiny they get for merely repeating the words of their holy book, and the suspicion that their beliefs justifying jihad are dangerous and ‘unAmerican,’” Dowd maintained. “Being forced to endure an atmosphere of continual dread is crueler than a quick thrust of a beheader’s knife. So, yes, the horrors inflicted on Muslims in our country are worse than whatever has happened to Christians intruding on Muslim lands.”

Trump Gets Preferential Treatment in White House Dining Room

Appalling repression in the White House dining room came to light when the media exposed the scandalous story of how President Trump gets more and better food than other diners. In a Time magazine article it was revealed that at White House dinners Trump gets Diet Coke (everyone else gets water), Trump gets Thousand Island dressing (everyone else gets vinaigrette), Trump gets two scoops of ice cream (everyone else gets one).

CNN’s Jeanne Moos saw this as “unjustifiable discrimination—the kind that makes you wonder whether Trump thinks he’s king.” In support of this theory, Moos cited the fact that “Vice-President Pence doesn’t get any ice cream. He’s only allowed a ‘fruit plate.’ What has he done to get on Trump’s bad side?”

Cristeta Comerford, the White House Executive Chef since 2005, denied there was any discrimination: “anyone who asks is given the same option to choose as the President. You want something other than water? Just ask. You want a different salad dressing? We have many from which you can choose. You want two scoops of ice cream, three scoops, whatever? Just ask.”

Moos contended that “the chef’s response is too convenient to be credible. We need to know who pressured her to come up with this unbelievable alibi. Was she cowed into submission by the very public firing of the FBI Director? Or was her subservient status as a woman of color within a racist administration sufficient to extract the desired cover story? This incident would seem to bolster calls for an independent prosecutor to investigate Trump.”

Female Refugees Victims of Sexual Violence in Germany

A study by the news service Integrated Regional Information Networks (IRIN) found that female refugees living in government shelters are being repeatedly harassed and attacked by male guards and refugees. Sally Abazeed, a 20-year-old refugee from Syria, told of how she had been repeatedly accosted by a guard at the shelter. She also said she was often followed into the toilets at night by one of the guards.

Abazeed escaped from the shelter with the assistance of a fellow Syrian only to be raped by him once outside the compound. She reported the rape to the police, but was told she had insufficient evidence to justify an investigation.

Berlin Police Department spokesman Helmut Banger explained that “our accommodation of sharia law requires that all rape allegations must be supported by either two male eyewitnesses or four female eyewitnesses. Unfortunately, Ms Abazeed could produce no witnesses. We had no alternative. We had to dismiss her case.”

More Abortions Needed to Fight Global Warming

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem made an impassioned plea for preserving and extending women’s right to abortion, calling it “a powerful and necessary remedy in the fight against sexual injustice and global warming. Nothing is worse for the planet than more people. Interdicting the creation of more people is crucial if we are to avert a holocaust.”

As Steinem sees it, men force women into bearing children. “Considering the toll it takes on a woman’s body, no woman in her right mind would willingly submit to childbirth,” she contended. “Add to this the tremendous sacrifice of free time that must be given up in order to care for children. Agreeing to have a child is akin to selling yourself into slavery. The men who pressure women into this tragic fate must be stopped.”

“Essential to stopping this pattern of patriarchal tyranny is abortion,” Steinem asserted. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the Nazis paid women to have children. Thankfully, we haven’t descended to that level of disrespect for humanity because we still allow abortion. As long as women have an unconstrained right to terminate any pregnancy they will hold the key that unlocks their chains. As an added bonus, the removal of millions and potentially billions of unwanted humans using this right is what will save the Earth from environmental catastrophe.”

Newspaper Calls for Stricter Censorship

Citing the “need to protect the more sensitive among us from the psychological damage of words that could be construed as offensive,” the editors of the Washington Post urged that “we unwed ourselves from the notion that freedom of speech is a vital or even necessary feature of a civilized society.”

“The right of freedom of speech does not have a meaningful quantum of value to the average person,” the editors wrote. “The average person continually must refrain from saying things that would offend an employer, spouse, or friend in order to interact harmoniously with the people closest to him. Why shouldn’t the government step in and enforce this same behavior as a general improvement of society?”

“There’s an old saying ‘that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’” the editorial continued. “If everyone knew that insensitive utterances could result in substantial financial penalties or even jail time, it stands to reason that conversations would become more pleasant. Fewer feelings would be hurt. Fewer people would have cause to strike out at those who offend them. People would be happier.”

In related news, Edgewood Middle School in Trenton, Ohio gave seventh grader Zachary Bowlin a 10 day suspension for “liking” a photo of of an airsoft pellet gun on Instagram. Edgewood Schools Superintendent Russ Fussnecker explained that “we have a ‘zero tolerance’ of inappropriate behavior by any of our students. The fact that Zachary publicly expressed his like for this dangerous weapon showed a grave insensitivity to his fellow students and manifested an intent to intimidate his classmates. The contention that the weapon is non-lethal, that the offense occurred outside of school grounds and hours does not excuse the behavior. We are going to stamp out incorrigible attitudes with as harsh a punishment as we can impose. Those who refuse to get the message will be crushed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

GOP Health Care Bill Called ‘Death Sentence for Millions’

 

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP’s alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a “death sentence for millions” by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), “people will die.”

Warren’s view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. “How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?” she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as “unfair. It is the government’s obligation to take care of everyone’s health. The notion that I should pay because I can afford it denigrates my value as a human being.”

Similarly, model and wife of musician John Legend, Chrissy Teigen blamed Trump “for causing a crippling anxiety that requires me to get botox injections to relax life-threating tensions brought on by this manically insane, incompetent president and this dumpster fire administration.”

“The testimony of these esteemed members of society is evidence that the GOP is on the wrong track when it comes to the health of this country,” Warren declared. “If the well-being of the best of us is threatened just try to imagine how much worse it will be for ordinary people who depend on the government to care for them.”

The Senator was particularly peeved that “the AHCA moves away from vital government mandates that are essential to ensuring that every person gets the health care that experts have determined they need to have. The bill would allow individuals more latitude to decide what coverage they want. It will remove penalties for not purchasing what Obamacare has designated as mandatory services. People could simply decide not to buy insurance without facing a substantial fine. This is the road to anarchy.”

With medical treatment the third leading cause of death in America the Senator’s premise that having the government coerce people into submitting to an approved list of treatments leads to better outcomes is dubious. While it is true that trauma care in emergency rooms clearly saves the lives of many who would otherwise have died, medical errors, the toxic side effects of prescription drugs, and hospital-incurred infections kill many others.

Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats’ Defeat

To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers.

“We’re kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue,” Pelosi complained. “On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman’s inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I’ve never had an abortion. I think that’s a pretty strong position in favor of life. I’ve also never stopped anyone else from having one. I think that is a strong position for freedom.”

While conceding that recent elections have taken a toll on her Party, Pelosi looked forward to “the growth of the LGBTQ movement as the ultimate way out of our dilemma. If more women have sex with women and more men have sex with men the need for abortions should decline. Transgenders basically sterilize themselves and eliminate the risk of an unwanted pregnancy requiring an abortion. So, the more people we can persuade to live out these alternative lifestyles the fewer abortions there will be to help mobilize the pro-lifers to vote against the Democratic Party.”

Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL (National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League) said Pelosi’s “waffling strategy is bad for women and the economy. The patriarchy has been forcing women to bear children since the beginning of time. We need for the Democratic Party to make a clean break with the idea that women should be compelled to endure this onerous task. The whole process is humiliating and disgusting. Since we are nearing an era where babies can be produced via technologies that don’t require direct sexual reproduction political strategies that involve keeping males around for this purpose are obsolete. A much smaller number of breeder males can generate enough sperm through self-stimulation to impregnate a sufficient number of females to continue the species. A world where females outnumber males by thousands to one will be a more peaceful and prosperous one. Democrats need to be the vanguard of this revolution.”

Planned Parenthood’s “Champion of the Century” award winner Hillary Clinton offered to be the “founding mother” of this revolution against “the groups of men who conspire to deny women their God-given right to have an abortion. We can’t let these bastards grind us down.”

In related news, Baby Bee Hummingbirds, an Australian company, advertises that it “can turn unwanted embryos into jewelry keepsakes.” This new product joins a line of jewelry made from breast milk, baby hair, baby teeth, umbilical cords, and placentas. “I don’t believe there is any other business in the world that creates jewelry from human embryos, and I firmly believe that we are pioneering the way in this sacred art,” said company founder Amy McGlade. “What could be a better way to celebrate your most treasured gift, your child, than through jewelry?”

Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity

Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.”

Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic violence has to end. We need to move toward fewer guns, not more guns.” Warner was unmoved by arguments that allowing the law-abiding to carry improves their odds against criminals who carry firearms. “Doing what the criminal asks is better than starting a gunfight.”

Gunshot victim, former Rep. Gabby Giffords (D-Ariz) asserted that “stopping gun violence takes courage. If there were no guns I wouldn’t have been shot and disabled. The gun lobby is fond of saying that if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns. Well, that would make it easier for police—everyone with a gun would be a criminal. Given their superior training I think police would be the heavy favorites in any gunfight. So, by all means, let’s move to a simpler system that disarms everyone except the police.”

Senator Chris Murphy (D-Conn) vowed to “fight this NRA-backed assault on everyone’s personal safety. I’m pretty confident that we can filibuster this bill in the Senate. Failing that, Democrats need to take the battle to the states where the Second Amendment doesn’t apply and lobby to have state legislatures restrict or even confiscate privately held firearms.”

Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama

The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens.

U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification “would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict rules. They need to trust us and let us do our jobs.”

Susan Rice, former National Security Adviser to President Obama, was seemingly deeply enmeshed in the surveillance scheme. As such, her appearance before a congressional committee was requested by Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). Rice declined to appear, saying that the request wasn’t bipartisan. “I see no upside for me in being interrogated by Republicans,” she said. “Why should I voluntarily testify? And if they try to compel me to, I can invoke my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.”

An article by Jeff Kisseloff in The Nation pointed out that “abuse of power by presidents is a long standing tradition. FDR did it. JFK did it. LBJ did it. Why should we be surprised that Obama did it? These are all men we trust. They have the proper world view. Any corners they cut in pursuit of progressive values shouldn’t be held against them.

In related news, the Democratic National Committee defended rigging the Party’s primary in favor of Hillary Clinton. DNC attorney Bruce Spiva argued that “the Democratic Party is a private organization and can make and interpret rules however it wants. Its bylaws mandating impartial and evenhanded treatment of competing candidates is really discretionary. DNC officials can do whatever they want. The fact is, the Party decided early on that Clinton would be the presidential nominee and took the steps that were necessary to make that happen. Sanders was lucky we even let him run as a Democrat. We could have done it like we did in the old days and let Party honchos pick a candidate in some backroom. Instead, we put on a show so voters would feel involved, but we sure as Hell weren’t going to let them decide who would represent the Party.”

Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president’s other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension.

“Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation’s ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably,” Chaffetz argued. “However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the amount earned from these outside sources. There is no call for millionaires to be supported by taxpayers making far less money.”

A bipartisan bill to accomplish this objective was passed last year, but was vetoed by President Obama on the grounds that “it would impose onerous and unreasonable burdens on former presidents. I think once a person has served the nation as president the people have an obligation to support him or her for life. The possibility that an ex-president may make millions from other sources shouldn’t relieve the people he has served from the obligation of paying him every penny to which he is entitled by law.”

The prospect of the bill becoming law seems bright since the man who would have to sign it—President Trump—isn’t currently accepting a salary. The $78,333 he earned for the first quarter as president was donated to the National Park Service.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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