By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Just days after receiving brain surgery to remove a malignant tumor, Sen. John McCain (R-Az) returned to the Senate in time to cast his vote killing the so-called “skinny” repeal of Obamacare. McCain joined fellow Republicans Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Susan Collins (Maine) to vote with all 48 Democrats for a 51-49 margin against the bill.

The Senator cited “bipartisanship” as his primary motivation. “The original Obamacare legislation was enacted without a single Republican vote, he pointed out. “For us to repeal any part of it without a single Democratic vote would only continue to spur rancor between the aisles of congress.” McCain said he was “confident that my reach across the aisle on this day will inspire both sides to work together for the good of the American people.”

McCain acknowledged that the “skinny” repeal “would have offered some relief to those suffering from the high premiums and high deductibles Obamacare has inflicted on them, but it wouldn’t have solved all of the ACA’s deficiencies. Worse, it would have sent us back toward a system where individuals would be left free to choose not to buy insurance or to buy plans that do not require the coverage of essential services like gender reassignment surgery. The imprudent may think they don’t need this option, but if we allow them to bypass paying for this coverage they’ll be left holding the bag if the itch to switch ever strikes them.”

“We all know that Obamacare has its faults,” McCain continued. “Fortunately, essential personnel working in government are exempt and have been awarded superior coverage by President Obama’s executive order. This puts members of congress in a position to exercise judgment without the pressures and biases that would accompany any decision that had a direct effect on our own health. It is my hope that a leisurely and dispassionate discussion between Republicans and Democrats will produce a comprehensive reform.”

A teary-eyed Senate Minority Leader praised McCain’s vote. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called it “the most courageous act I have ever personally witnessed. He has sacrificed his political future to rescue former President Obama’s signature legacy. His stand for bipartisanship will forever protect the Affordable Care Act from repeal or adulteration as long as Democrats remain solidly against every GOP attempt to alter it.”

Deputy Chairman of the Democratic Nation Committee Rep. Keith Ellison (Minn) vowed tobe one of those Democrats and “stand strong against Republican efforts to derail the progress President Obama has bestowed upon America. We need a truly comprehensive health care system like they’ve had in Cuba for the last 50 years. And I won’t rest until we do.”

Meanwhile, former House Speaker John Behner (R-Ohio) and former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va) admitted that “all the votes to repeal Obamacare while Obama was president were just for show. We knew he would veto whatever we passed. The Democrats in the senate cooperated by refraining from filibustering the repeal. We placated our base. The Democrats got to portray us as cold-hearted bastards. It was a win-win for both Parties.”

In related news, the death of 11-month-old Charlie Gard after the UK’s National Health Service went to court to prevent his parents from seeking medical treatment outside the country presented a preview of what a fully functioning single-payer health insurance system might deliver to the United States. The gist of the NHS’ objection to Gard’s parents spending their own money to treat him was that “scarce resources must be allocated by society, not individuals. The notion that his parents owned the resources they raised and could use them to selfishly benefit their own child is the evil that socialism must continually oppose.”

Dems’ IT Guy Arrested

This week, Imran Awan, one of a trio of brothers hired by the Democratic National Committee to handle the computers and other devices used by key Democrats on the House Committee on Foreign Affairs and the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence was arrested trying to flee the country. News of the arrest prompted former DNC chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) to fire Awan, but she warned investigators there would be “consequences” if the laptop seized from him by police was not promptly returned to her. “The lap top is mine. I am a member of congress. I have immunity from prosecution.”

Despite her assertion of immunity, Wasserman-Shultz is reportedly in a state of high anxiety over “this unprecedented persecution” and is said to have complained to friends that “We followed all the normal security procedures. We smashed the devices. We deleted the emails. We threatened the police to back off. We did everything Hillary did, but I’m still under the gun. The double-standard I’m seeing here is so unfair.”

Former prosecutor and Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), observed that “smashing devices and deleting emails rarely erases all evidence of criminal activities. Anyone who has watched the TV show ‘Forensic Files’ knows that investigators have been able to recover content from ‘destroyed devices’ and ‘erased files’ that has led to the conviction of numerous murderers and other felons.”

Gowdy also suggested that “the recent arrest of Mr. Awan also sheds a more sinister light on Rep. Wasserman-Schultz’s remarks about cutting the budget of the DC Police. What might ordinarily be merely a fiscal issue starts to look like extortion when coupled with a demand that a certain line of inquiry ought to be discontinued.”

The DC Police have been unsuccessfully “investigating” the murder of DNC staffer Seth Rich for more than a year. Rich, a Bernie Sanders supporter, is suspected of being the person who sent DNC emails exposing how Wasserman-Schultz worked to rig the Democratic primary election for Hillary Clinton to Wikileaks.

Meanwhile, Awan’s attorney blamed “Islamophobia” for the arrest of his client. “We are asserting the affirmative defense that since Mr. Awan was acting under the direction of a member of congress her immunity covers any and all crimes he may have committed at her behest. Should this defense be rejected we will be pleading ‘cultural ignorance.’ In Mr. Awan’s native land, what American law may regard as illegal is allowed under the traditional practice of baksheesh. Mr. Awan was the subordinate of a powerful American governmental official. He should not be held criminally liable for accepting money to do as he was told by a person who he trusted to know American law.”

County Has Thousandss of Voters Older than 100

Examination of the registered voter rolls in Broward County, Florida revealed that there are thousands of voters over 100 years of age, including several over 130 years old. The Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) filed a lawsuit accusing the Broward County supervisor of elections, Brenda Snipes, of dereliction of duty.

“This quantity of centenarians on the voter rolls is actuarially improbable,” argued Logan Churchwell, the head researcher for PILF. “This improbability alone should have spurred the elections officials to scrutinize the data and purge deceased voters from the lists.”

Snipes countered by asserting “I am no mathematician and should not be held accountable for such calculations. Besides, our records show a consistent casting of ballots by every one of these elderly voters. I am not going to insult them by assuming they’re dead or that even if they are they shouldn’t have ballots cast in their name. For all we know, their wills may have directed their heirs to continue to perform the civic duty of voting for them as a condition of receiving their inheritance.”

Churchwell called Snipes’ response “inane. A person cannot will his vote to an heir. The fact that there are more registered voters in the county than there are persons of voting age as recorded by the census is prima facie evidence of a problem. Illegally casting votes for the dead is fraud. Failure to address this fraud makes Ms. Snipes an accomplice.”

Votes cast by dead people aren’t the only possible source of fraud in Florida. There are 180,000 non-citizens with driver’s licenses whose names also appear as registered voters. Snipes insisted that “this is not my responsibility. The Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles (DHSMV) is registering these people to vote.”

DHSMV Director Terry Rhodes explained that “the courts have barred us from requiring that those registering to vote must show proof of US citizenship. We do indicate whether or not the person registering has checked the citizen box. The 180,000 non-citizens on the voter rolls shows the number who did not check that box. We have no way of knowing how many non-citizens falsely claimed to be citizens by wrongfully checking that box.”

In related news, a quick survey by the Government Accountability Institute (GAI) found 8,000+ instances of “double voting”–ballots cast by the same individual in more than one venue during the same election. These were votes by individuals with the identical first and last name, middle initial, birth date, and partial Social Security number. “There can be little doubt that these were illegally cast votes,” said the GAI’s Peter Schweizer. “Considering that our scan did not include probable duplicate votes where an individual may have omitted a middle initial or used a different last name (say a birth name in one venue and a married name in another), the number of duplicate votes is likely far higher than our study indicated.”

“Allah Is Gay” Sign Banned

London police barred Britain’s Council of Ex-Muslims (CEMB) from displaying their “Allah is gay” sign in the City’s annual gay pride parade. Police did allow a “Jesus is gay” sign to be displayed.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan explained that “calling Allah gay is a slander that cannot be tolerated. Anyone who has read the Quran can clearly see that Allah is NOT gay. In fact, in the Quran Allah prescribes death for homosexuals. A proclamation that Allah is gay is obviously untrue.”

Khan contrasted the clarity of Islam’s stance on homosexuality with what he characterized as “the ambiguity of Christianity on this issue. First, you have the ‘cast no stone’ doctrine, which implies that the sin of homosexuality should be forgiven. Second, Jesus never married and spent an inordinate amount of time closeted with a dozen men as he roamed around preaching his message. Mohammed took on numerous wives and inseminated many infidel women as Allah bid him to do. Finally, we see that Pope Francis has refused to publicly condemn homosexuality saying ‘who am I to judge.’ So, it is not unreasonable to suspect that Jesus may have been gay. Banners that express that suspicion are possibly true and, thus, protected freedom of speech.”

In related news, a study conducted in Denmark discovered that children of immigrants have attitudes that are more favorable toward Islamic violence than their parents. This finding was interpreted as supporting German Chancellor Angela Merkel's determination “to never limit the number of immigrants coming to our country from the Middle East. Clearly, we need the moderating influence of recent arrivals to dilute the murderous impulses of the children of earlier
immigrants.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the “repeal and replace” health insurance bill crafted by the Republican leadership failed to garner enough support to be put to a vote. Rep. Tom Garret (R-VA), along with other Freedom Caucus members, said he will file a discharge petition that would put a clean repeal of Obamacare up for a House vote.

“This is the same bill both the House and Senate passed that was vetoed by President Obama in 2015,” Garret said. “It would undo the conceit that the government is competent to dictate the health insurance choices every American must make. It will allow everyone the freedom to buy the insurance they want rather than being forced to buy what the government bureaucrats say they should.”

Garret’s bill is expected to face tough sledding due to anticipated opposition from three key GOP senators: Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) and Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), both of whom voted for the 2015 bill, and Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine).

Murkowski acknowledged that her vote for the bill in 2015 “was solely for the purpose of winning my race for reelection in 2016. Voters didn’t like Obamacare. It was that simple.” She called Garret’s action “a betrayal. I was promised that I could vote for repeal because President Obama would veto whatever we passed. Since Trump won’t veto what we pass the deal is off.”

Capito insisted that her 2015 vote “was a ‘show vote’ in compliance with the wishes of the Majority Leader. I was a brand new senator taking my cues from an old hand. In truth, I think the idea that people should be free to buy any old insurance they want is daft. They will use individualistic and selfish motives in making their choices. The genius of Obamacare is that it takes the decision out of the hands of the selfish and puts it into the hands of government experts. I understand that the guy paying $10,000 a year in premiums for coverage that comes with a $5,000 annual deductible will feel he isn’t getting good value for his money. However, the more important question is whether society as a whole isn’t better served by forcing him to subsidize the needs of others.”

Collins concurred with her West Virginia colleague asserting that “the kinds of policies many people would freely choose cover only major catastrophic expenses in the thousands of dollars range. They’d leave themselves vulnerable to having to pay for office visits and prescriptions that might amount to only a few hundred dollars. Granted, they’d still be out-of-pocket for the first $5,000 of these smaller expenses under Obamacare, but amounts in excess of the deductible could be partially reimbursed.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) called the health insurance standoff “a real dilemma. The compulsory nature of Obamacare has brought a surge of revenue to insurers and health care professionals. Obviously, if people are free to buy or not buy insurance some will not buy. That mean less money for insurers. People without coverage or with ‘bare-bones’ policies are less likely to seek professional medical care as often. Granted, even doctors admit that 90% of people get better without professional intervention, but doctors, nurses, hospitals need the income that the more robustly insured bring their way. What we need is a program that is nominally not Obamacare, yet still retains the muscle to direct a larger share of the nation’s income to the health sector.”

Congresswoman Negotiating Whether to Cooperate with Investigation

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) is in the midst of deciding whether or not to cooperate with DC police investigating possible violations of national security laws by her former top information technology (IT) aide, Imran Awan. Awan and several of his relatives are accused of abusing access granted by their Democratic Party employers to obtain and sell classified information.

Thus far, Wasserman-Schultz has been refusing to turnover computers used by Awan so police can examine them. She has claimed exemption from law enforcement saying that “according to the Constitution, members of congress are privileged from arrest. I am not some ordinary bumpkin who can be compelled to undergo police investigation. I’m part of the government. I have superior rights.”

The clause she cited may not be as broad an exemption as she imagines, though. The privilege from arrest applies only to attendance at a congressional session and the trip to and from that session. Further, there is no privilege in cases of “treason, felony, and breach of the peace.” Inasmuch as hiring ITs who purloin classified information and sell it might reasonably constitute both treason and felony offenses, Wasserman-Schultz’s obstruction of the investigation into these crimes would not seem to be privileged.

“Regardless of the nuances of the law, the computers are in my possession,” the Congresswoman boasted. “Secretary Clinton was allowed to delete part of her emails and smash all her phones rather than be subjected to the kind of invasion of privacy they’re trying to impose on me. As I see it, if they want to see these devices I need a non-revocable grant of full immunity. Then maybe I’ll turn them over.”

In related news, a new report released by the Treasury Inspector General of Tax Administration found that the IRS destroyed laptops containing critical records—even when those records were requested for use in pending litigation or criminal investigations. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen brushed off the findings as “old news. The expectation that the IRS could or should keep meticulous records is unwarranted. The volume of information is huge. The motivation to do quality work is nonexistent. The temptation to shirk and slack off is irresistible. The tax code is insanely complex. If Congress had any sense they’d repeal the whole damned mess.”

Hillary Says Poll Unfair

This week a Bloomberg poll found that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is viewed favorably by 39 percent of poll respondents. This is less than President Donald Trump’s 41%. She is viewed unfavorably by 58 perent. Trump is viewed unfavorably by 55 percent.

The former Secretary of State contended that the poll was an unfair comparison. “Every time I turn on the news it’s all about Trump,” she complained. “That’s a lot of free publicity. Even if most of it is negative, when you consider the sources—CNN, MSNBC, New York Times—it can’t help but boost his ratings. Being repeatedly attacked by media the general public doesn’t trust is driving people over to his side.”

Clinton urged the media to take a more balanced approach to its coverage. “I had a health care plan that failed long before Trump’s did,” she reminded. “I had dealings with the Russians. A lot of people don’t know it, but I helped sell 25% of America’s uranium to them. And that whole ‘reset’ thing was a big fiasco. And I helped craft policies that did more to disrupt world peace than anything Trump has yet conceived. If CNN and the others could start bashing me like they bash Trump I think I could narrow the gap.”

Judge Levies Fine for Exposing Planned Parenthood Crimes

Judge William Orrick levied a fine of $137,000 against David Daleiden and the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) for violating his “gag” order in the case against them related to their undercover investigative report on Planned Parenthood (PP). Dalieden and the CMP produced a number of covertly recorded videos of PP officials engaging in illegal sales of aborted baby parts.

“Mr. Daleiden may imagine himself a journalist going undercover to snare criminals,” Orrick said. “However, he is not a recognized member of any established journalistic outlet—neither TV, radio, print nor electronic. He is, to all intents, just a private citizen invading territory that belongs to outlets like CNN and the Washington Post. There is no constitutional protection for the eavesdropping he and his confederates did.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra, who is currently prosecuting Daleiden and others on 15 counts of “felony eavesdropping,” called CMP’s video evidence of crimes committed by PP officials “irrelevant. Even if we were to concede that selling baby parts is illegal, CMP’s videos were obtained through illegal means and are, thus, inadmissible. CMP personnel portrayed themselves as fellow criminals in their interactions with PP personnel to negotiate the sales of baby parts. As such, PP had a reasonable expectation of confidentiality. CMP’s publication of the videos breached the implied criminal compact and unfairly exposed PP to negative publicity. The damages could easily run into the billions. That cannot be allowed to go unpunished.”

The money from Judge Orrick’s $137,000 fine was turned over to the National Abortion Federation as compensation for attorney’s costs incurred in defense of PP, including “an exhaustive search of the Internet for all traces of CMP’s scurrilous videos.”

Mayor Apologizes for Police Shooting

This week Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor shot Justine Damond to death. Damond was unarmed and in her pajamas at the time of the slaying. The incident occurred after, Damond made a 911 call reporting a possible rape in progress outside her home. She was killed as she spoke to Noor’s police partner through the open window of the patrol car.

Whether Noor should have been employed as a cop seems more of a triumph of “diversity” than good sense. Those who know him have used words like “extremely nervous,” “jumpy,” and “the least little thing can set him off.” He has gained a reputation for angry outbursts at kids playing in his neighborhood. Police Chief Janee Harteau characterized the shooting as “not in compliance with either the training or the performance expectations we have for our officers.” Harteau was later fired by Mayor Betsy Hodges for these “insensitive remarks denigrating a fellow officer.”

Hodges asked that “we show some compassion for Officer Noor in his time of trouble. Coming from a very violent Somalia where the least hesitation could be fatal, it should not be surprising that he would shoot first and ask questions later. A lot has been made of the fact that a 40-year-old woman clad in pajamas and carrying a cell phone would not normally be considered dangerous. Well, Officer Noor says it was too dark for him to make out any of these details before he fired his weapon. Even if he had seen more, let’s not forget that women do commit some crimes and that cell phones are often the trigger for improvised explosive devices.”

“Neither should it matter that the other officer on the scene didn’t perceive a need to draw his weapon,” Hodges added. “Officer Harrity was raised in this country and has a better grasp of what is going on. For all he knew, though, Officer Noor could have been saving both their lives. That neither officer incurred any injuries is something we may have to thank Officer Noor’s quick reaction for or not. Maybe there never was a real threat.”

In a bid to calm tensions, Hodges issued an immediate apology to the City’s Muslim community to reassure them that “this incomprehensible tragedy will not divert us from our goal of putting more armed Muslims on the streets as members of our police force. Sad as Ms. Damond’s fate may have been, it is essential that we not allow this tragedy to wreak even greater havoc on our quest for an inclusive and diverse city workforce.”

In related news, Sweden’s National Police Commissioner, Dan Eliasson, went on national TV to plead for help as the hordes of Muslim refugees allowed to live in the country have “made it impossible for police alone to uphold the law.” While it is not clear what type of help a mostly disarmed Swedish population might render, official policy recommends that “everyone stay indoors, not engage in any unnecessary travel, and make sure your life and fire insurance is up-to-date.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A study from the University of Edinburgh analyzed 50 viral election-related tweets over the 68 days preceding last November’s presidential election and concluded that Trump’s campaign had a significant edge. “Two-thirds of the 3,450 viral tweets—which were retweeted about 26 million times—either attacked Clinton (39%) or supported Trump (23%). The other third either supported Clinton (14%) or attacked Trump (19%).”

In Trump’s twitter account 64% of the tweets had a positive message about Trump and 36% had a negative message about Clinton. In Clinton’s twitter account 48% of the tweets had a positive message about Clinton and 52% had a negative message about Trump.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robby Mook said “the study's findings highlight the fundamental

unfairness of allowing uninformed individuals to play such a large role in shaping the election dialog. We’re seeing a continuation of that now as President Trump is bypassing the traditional methods of communicating through the mainstream media and sending out salvos of unfiltered tweets whenever he feels like it.”

“Before the emergence of social media we had major media as the gatekeepers,” Mook reminisced. “They sorted out the worthy from the unworthy content and assured that all voters had the same information from the same sources. We need to get back to that system. Maybe the FCC can somehow regulate what can be tweeted, maybe require a license, maybe assess fines for unlicensed tweeting. In the case of President Trump, Rep. Jim Himes (D-Conn) has introduced a bill requiring at least two televised press briefings per week. The bill has good intent, but doesn’t go as far as it should. I think these press briefings should be the only way the President is permitted to communicate with the general public. That way the viewers could see the media challenge and rebut his lies rather than let them go unfiltered into the smart phones of the general public.”

Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk “Racist”

Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle’s city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it “racist. It’s all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community.”

The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that “public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they’re afraid to come to the courthouse.”

Gossett insisted that “putting the discomfort of white jurors who have access to indoor toilets ahead of the rights of the homeless who do not sends the wrong message to our children.” The Councilman vowed to personally participate in a “s— in” if the funds are appropriated, claiming “it’s turning the other cheek as Jesus asked us to do.”

Councilman Ronald Wussman proposed renaming the street to “Turd Street” as a “compromise,” pointing out that “the new name would serve to alert everyone to the hazards without unnecessarily disrupting the habitat or the behavior of those dwelling in it. In a way, the new name might be seen as an acknowledgment of the contributions this segment of society has made to our community.”

In related news, a 70-year- old Swedish woman is facing four years in prison for complaining on Facebook that “immigrants set cars on fire and urinate and defecate in the streets.” Dalarna prosecutor Lars Gütterswill explained that “while technically speaking, her remarks are true, they still constitute incitement to racial hatred.

The fact that she spoke the truth makes it worse since it prevents the aggrieved from credibly calling it a lie.”

Trump Jr. Meeting Proves Collusion

Former chairman for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign John Podesta declared that the recent disclosure by Donald Trump Jr. that he met with a Russian lawyer hoping to receive information that would damage Hillary Clinton’s chances of being elected “is the final link in the chain of evidence proving that Donald Trump cheated his way into the presidency.”

“I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t already a mountain of facts clearly establishing an intent to deny Secretary Clinton her rightful place as president,” Podesta contended. “At every turn the Trump campaign sought to portray her in a negative light—her policies were bad, she was corrupt, she was ill—you name it. The great irony is that what will ultimately sink him is that Trump tried to import Russian dirt rather than relying on American-made dirt.”

Podesta dismissed evidence showing Natalia Veselnitskaya’s connections to the Democratic Party and Fusion GPS as “irrelevant. Whether or not she was a covert operative for the Democratic Party isn't important. What is important is that Junior thought he was colluding with the Russian government.” Fusion GPS was the entity responsible for the anonymously-sourced and unverifiable “golden shower” dossier that emerged after Trump won the election.

Whether this latest development will lead to Trump’s impeachment would appear to be an uphill battle given the Republican majorities in both the House and the Senate. Nevertheless, Podesta expressed confidence that “a motion calling for the election to be voided and the presidency restored to its rightful owner will be put before an appropriate venue.” Sources say that “appropriate venue” will be before Hawaii Judge Derrick Watson. Watson has previously blocked Trump Administration bans against travel to the US from six terror-prone Middle Eastern nations.

Impeachment Resolution Introduced in House

Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) and Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) are cosponsoring House Resolution 438, a measure aimed at impeaching President Trump.

“When President Trump fired the man who was investigating his presidential campaign for colluding with Russia he obstructed justice,” Sherman argued. “It doesn't matter whether there was collusion or not. It doesn’t matter that the envisioned collusion, per se, is not a crime under the law. Firing FBI Director James Comey, in and of itself, is obstruction regardless of whether the campaign did or didn’t collude because it stopped Comey from continuing his investigation.” Green couched his support in terms of the projected favorable impact on the nation’s health and safety.

“According to a survey conducted by Detox (http://www.detox.net/uncover/what-would- you-give- up-for-alcohol/), 73% of Democrats would give up drinking alcohol for the rest of their lives if Trump is impeached,” Green said. “Each year alcohol causes 90,000 deaths and $250 billion in economic damage. Since impeaching Trump could save lives and money, Republicans should put partisan interests aside and agree to impeach Trump for the good of the nation.”

Abortion a “Tool to End Poverty”

In a recent interview with CTV News, Marie-Claude Bibeau, Canada's Minister of International Development and La Francophonie, called abortion a “tool to end poverty” and labeled the Catholic Church’s objections “illogical and self-serving.”

“Abortions reduce the number of people sharing the world’s resources,” Bibeau pointed out. “Culling the population in this manner means there is a bigger slice of the pie for each survivor. The Church’s opposition would condemn an ever-growing human herd to subsist on shrinking shares of material goods.”

“I try to be tolerant of their religious beliefs, but I can’t acquiesce to their sinister plan to promote overpopulation and its accompanying poverty as a means for increasing the size of their congregations, especially when the suffering that this would inflict can so easily be avoided through a simple and painless medical intervention,” Bibeau asserted.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Trump’s defense of “western values” in his speech in Poland this week was condemned by a pair of left-wing magazines. The New Republic’s Jeet Heer called it “a paean to white grievance.” The Atlantic’s Peter Beinart called it “an outburst of racial and religious paranoia.”

“Mr. Trump’s unapologetic praise of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness puts ‘white values’ ahead of alternative perspectives,” Heer complained. “His pledge of support for the dignity of every human life is a thinly-veiled jab at a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child. His assumption that it is the hope of every soul to live in freedom insults those who place obedience to the collective above selfish individualism.”

As an illustration of how wrong Trump’s views are, Heer contended that “Trump’s aversion to the steady creep of government bureaucracy that he says drains the vitality and wealth of the people completely misses the mark. It is the bureaucracy’s intervention that prevents those who produce wealth from hogging it all for themselves. It is the bureaucracy that ensures a fairer distribution to all regardless of their role in production.”

Beinhart found “Trump’s assumption that the freedom engendered by white philosophers and politicians encourages creativity and innovation is offensive to the artistic output achieved by persons-of-color living under alternative philosophies and politics. His placement of faith and family ahead of government as the center of our lives rejects the gains that secular progressivism have brought to modern life.”

“Worse still is Trump’s selective endorsement of faith,” Beinhart added. “The faith Trump values is the ‘turn-the-other-cheek’ variety espoused by Jesus. Well, what about the faith Mohammed espoused? How can we consider ourselves culturally diverse if we insist on portraying a faithful Muslim fighting for Islam as an unacceptable life style? Isn’t there genuinely held belief that it is their obligation to convert or slay unbelievers just as valid as a belief that we must do unto others as we would wish them to do unto us?”

Lynch Defends Ending Clinton Email Investigation

Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch clarified her previous denial of communication with the Clinton campaign with a contention that “there was nothing improper about my assurances that I would not allow the probe into Secretary Clinton’s emails to go too far. Should an AG allow any investigation to go too far? I think promising to prevent that investigation from going too far placed reasonable limits that helped avert a situation where Republicans would be able to gain an unfair advantage during the campaign.”

“As a matter of fact, it was FBI Director James Comey who decided not to forward the case to me back in July of 2016,” Lynch pointed out. “While it looked like he laid out considerable grounds for a potential prosecution for a lengthy series of illegal actions on the part of Secretary Clinton, he decided not to recommend prosecution because he saw no intent.”

“Technically, the applicable statutes do not require that we prove intent in order to indict or prosecute someone for illegally using classified information,” Lynch admitted.

“That sailor who took photos of the submarine he served on so he could show his children had no intent to subvert national security but he was sent to jail. Then, too, it seems pretty obvious that Secretary Clinton’s intention was to hide some of her questionable emails from prying eyes. I guess different venues can lead to different application of the same laws. All I can say is that the effect on America from incarcerating one lowly sailor is inconsequential. That would not have been the case with Secretary Clinton. She is a very important person and her fate has major consequences for this country. I think taking that into consideration was what probably drove Director Comey to do what he did.”

Former Supreme Court Justice Criticizes Trump Travel Ban

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens criticized President Donald Trump’s policy temporarily banning travel from six Muslim countries and averred that “if I were still on the Court I would have upheld the lower court decision to veto that policy.”

“I’m not indifferent to the need for national security, but we cannot put that ahead of religious freedom,” Stevens declared. “I do not deny that some of the precepts of Islam encourage adherents to take a hostile stance against non-Muslims, but we should not descend into intolerance of this religious difference just because it makes us uncomfortable, especially when a case can be made that the Christian admonishment to turn-the-other cheek appears to be symbiotically compatible with Islam’s demand that Muslims attack unbelievers.”

“I think European leaders who have urged that we learn to live with terrorism have a better understanding of the need to accommodate diversity,” Stevens mused. “The lives that would be lost to such an accommodation will surely be dwarfed by the number lost due to unmitigated climate change. So, from a practical standpoint, Trump has focused on the lesser threat.”

In related news, actor and open borders advocate George Clooney is moving his family out of the United Kingdom as a safety precaution. It seems that his international human rights attorney wife’s position that terrorists should be prosecuted has spawned a spate of death threats from ISIS. “The ease with which terrorists have launched high-profile attacks in this country and others in Europe presents too great a risk,” Clooney said. “In America we have the right to bear arms and can better defend ourselves.”

Cruz Health Care Compromise Labeled “Hoax”

Given the Republican Party’s inability to reach agreement on what will replace the failing Obamacare program, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has suggested that insurance companies be permitted to sell insurance plans that are exempted from Obamacare regulations as long as these companies offer at least one plan that is complies with these regulations.

“The same people that were eager to repeatedly vote to repeal Obamacare when Obama was president and sure to veto any repeal are loath to act now that there is a chance to succeed,” Cruz complained. “It looks like those votes were just for show. They gave the appearance of fulfilling a promise to those who elected Republicans. All that the leadership is willing to offer is a warmed-over Obamacare 2.0.”

Sen. Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) slammed Cruz’s proposal as “a hoax. It would put crucial decisions about health care in the hands of a woefully ignorant consumer. The best part of Obamacare is that the crucial decisions regarding coverage are made by government experts. We need to keep that in place.”

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) attributed the failure of Obamacare “to the inability of the insurance industry to make a sufficient profit without bigger subsides from the government. Cruz’s plan sacrifices this objective in order to allow consumers to save money by tailoring plans to meet their own selfish needs. His proviso requiring insurers to offer an Obamacare compliant plan won’t work. Compliant plans are too expensive and the huge deductibles make the coverage nearly useless. Consumers won’t voluntarily choose such plans. To succeed, government must compel consumers to buy compliant plans.”

Avalanche of Leaks Hurting National Security

A report just issued by the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee reveals that the rate of leaks of classified documents since the start of the Trump Administration is seven times higher than during either of the two prior administrations.

Committee Chairman Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) called the leaks “extremely concerning. Divulging classified material undermines our nation’s ability to gather and use intelligence data. Federal employees entrusted with classified information are not authorized to decide on their own to leak this information to the media. If they have information they feel they have to impart outside the chain-of-command within the executive branch it is their legal obligation to impart this information to Congress.”

Johnson forwarded the report to the Department of Justice and “left it for Attorney General Jeff Sessions to decide whether any of these leaks warrant criminal prosecution.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) characterized the report and the referral as “part of a pattern of intimidation being carried out by the Republicans. The fact of the matter is that there has never been a greater need for leaks than there is now. The members of the intelligence community are answering to a higher moral authority and shouldn’t be punished for breaking laws that should be broken given the dire straights in which the election of Trump has placed this country.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Johnson’s actions “chilling. Trump is a whole different animal than either Bush or Obama. They understood the need for continuity of policy and governance. Trump has threatened this continuity by proposing to negotiate new and better deals with this nation’s adversaries. Rather than slavishly yield to the temporary ascendancy of a heretical outsider as president these deep-state patriots are doing the dirty work they’ve been trained to do when the wrong person is in charge.”

Former Obama Administration Deputy Attorney General Sally Yates blamed Trump for the leaks, saying that “Trump’s refusal to admit he colluded with Russia to rig the election forced members of the intelligence community to take the law into their own hands. For them to do otherwise would allow the ‘liar-in-chief’ an unimpeded path to run the country the way he sees fit.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Efforts by the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity to obtain data that could provide evidence on whether vote fraud has occurred are being blocked by key Democratic officials at the state level. ”

Neither the fact that there have been academic studies indicating that as many as five million or more non-citizens have voted and that there are millions of individuals registered to vote in more than one state and despite some irregularities—including more votes cast than registered voters in some precincts in last November’s election—were viewed as sufficient cause for any investigation by Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe.

“I cannot abide mucking about in the voter registration database unless someone comes forward with definitive proof that fraud has been committed,” the Governor said. “Mere suspicion is not enough to warrant the intrusion into voters’ privacy that the Commission’s information request would entail. This is just another Republican attempt to suppress the vote.”

California’s Democratic Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the Commission’s request for registration data on Fifth Amendment grounds. “Let’s say that some non-citizens did vote or that some voters voted more than once,” Padilla hypothesized. “These would be crimes, as would the actions of state registrars that aided, abetted, or ignored these illegal acts. I am not going to voluntarily participate in a probe that would effectively result in self-incrimination.”

Kris Kobach, the Kansas secretary of state serving as vice chair of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity called the non-cooperative responses “disappointing. If there truly has been no vote fraud, as the Democrats contend, our investigation should confirm that. The charge that we are trying to suppress the vote is a ridiculous allegation totally lacking evidence.”

McAuliffe pounced on Kobach’s claim, calling it “illogical. Presumably, the GOP would strive to eliminate duplicate registrations and purge non-citizens from the rolls. Obviously, such actions would reduce the number of ballots cast. So, for them to try to deny that their actions won’t suppress the vote is clearly a lie.”

Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban

Iran, the world’s top terror sponsor, expressed its “profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States,” and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague.

Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said “our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors into America as refugees, immigrants, and visitors. If the battle for the future of the world is to be a fair one we cannot allow one side to neutralize opposition by such an inequitable policy.”

American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty acknowledged that “Iran’s case is innovative, but not without merit. Iran is a big underdog when matched against US military might. Their long-shot chance at victory hinges on their ability to smuggle jihadis and suicide bombers inside the US borders. If the Trump Administration’s travel ban is allowed to stand Islam’s odds of winning would be greatly diminished—perhaps impossible. I could easily see the World Court vacating the ban in order to produce a more level playing field.”

CIA Director Mike Pompeo called Petty’s speculations “insane. This is not some sporting contest where the winner gets a trophy. It is civilization against vicious murderers. Petty might just as well argue that home security systems unfairly deter or impede criminals from breaking into your home to rob, rape and murder you. The travel ban is a moderate countermeasure aimed at deterring and impeding terrorists who will not shy away from the most barbaric atrocities in their quest to impose their will on the world.”

In related news, Canadian Member of Parliament Iqra Khalid introduced legislation that would outlaw anti-Muslim hate speech. “The conflict between Islam and the unbelievers is unnecessary,” he argued. “The Quran commands all Muslims to respect every member of the faith. If we have laws that mandate that everyone refrain from expressing anti-Muslim views we will be one step closer to that joyful day when all share the same faith and we can all live in peace.”

Planned Parenthood in the News

GOP plans to cut funding to Planned Parenthood inspired some creative rationalizations from a couple of Democrats this week. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) charged that Republican efforts to block tax dollars from going to fund abortions at Planned Parenthood “dishonors God. If God didn’t want us to abort unnecessary children why would He have allowed us to develop the technology to safely accomplish this?”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) likened himself and his fellow proponents of federal funding for Planned Parenthood to the soldiers who stormed the Normandy beaches in 1944. “We may not have to face the bullets and bombardment from entrenched Nazi hordes, but we are just as brave as those who did,” Booker lamely maintained. “The abortion services provided by Planned Parenthood are a vital front in our battle against a horde of unwanted offspring that would ravage our planet more thoroughly than the Nazis ever could have. They may call us ‘baby murderers,’ but we are ‘planet savers’ who each ought to get a ‘medal of honor’ for our courageous sacrifice on behalf of the future.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra is refiling charges against pro-life advocates David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for their undercover exposé of Planned Parenthood’s illegal trafficking in aborted baby parts. This action came after a judge struck down 14 of 15 earlier charges.

Becerra insisted that “by portraying themselves as prospective participants in a criminal act Daleiden and Merritt unfairly deceived the officials at Planned Parenthood into making incriminating statements. This violated their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. It also unfairly exploited Planned Parenthood’s expectation of confidentiality. Were we to let such a betrayal go unpunished others would be encouraged to similarly infiltrate and expose matters that Planned Parenthood and other organizations working to implement a progressive agenda would rather remain private.”

The California AG cited recent testimony from Minnesota in which Planned Parenthood employees were reported to have promised one anxious prospective late-term abortion client that “if the baby was to come out still alive and active, most likely we would break the baby’s neck” as “further evidence to support my case. Breaking a baby’s neck may seem cruel or indelicate, but it may be necessary to get the job done. Do we really want to go down a road that will cause every abortion practitioner to question whether normal procedures could land them in legal trouble?”

ISIS Jihadis Complain About Job Prospects

Now that the Islamic State is on the verge of defeat, some of those who are fleeing back to the European countries that sheltered them before they left to join the jihad are having difficulties finding jobs. Sweden is now grappling with how to reintegrate these men into society.

Returning jihadi Imak Udih complained, “I apply for a lot of jobs, but I can’t get any. They say that because I killed unbelievers in Syria I can’t be trusted. But I was just following my faith. Persecuting me for that violates my religious freedom.”

Swedish Culture and Democracy Minister Alice Bah Kuhnke has proposed that returning jihadis be given new identities. “A lot of people are going to prejudge these men,” Kuhnke said. “Just because they killed someone in the Middle East doesn’t mean they are going to go on a killing rampage in Sweden. We need a program that gives them a fresh start—new papers, a crime-free biography, a fake work history—so they can reintegrate themselves into Swedish life.”

Udih endorsed Kuhnke’s proposal calling it “a useful interlude in the battle for the world caliphate. Maybe my days on the front line of the struggle are over, but if I can get a decent job and a wife I can help sire the next generation of fighters.”

CNN Blames Trump for Fake News

This past week CNN was forced to fire a trio of its journalists for getting caught fabricating an untrue Trump/Russia collusion story. On top of this, several undercover operations conducted by people working with James O’Keefe revealed that assorted big wheels at the network knew that the whole Trump/Russia collusion story has been bogus from the very beginning.

In one video John Bonifield, CNN supervising producer was recorded saying that “the Russia story is mostly bullshit, but it was good for ratings. Ratings bring in profits. Given a choice between rigidly sticking to the truth and making a buck—well, we’re in business to make money. Truth is expendable.”

In another video, CNN commentator Van Jones assessed the Russia story as “a big nothing burger.” Unable to unsay those words, Jones argued that “what I said is less important than the fact that no one in the media likes O’Keefe. He is not an accepted part of the journalistic establishment. Those of us who are revile him and wish he’d go away. I urge all of those in CNN’s viewing audience to ignore whatever he has to say or show.”

In yet another video, CNN associate producer Jimmy Carr called Trump “f—–g crazy” and labeled voters “stupid as sh*t.”

CNN CEO Jeff Zucker defended his network and insisted that “Trump is the one who is to blame for all this. If he had lost the election like everyone thought he would we wouldn’t have to deal with him right now. But, against all odds he squeaked out a narrow win in the electoral college. Should we just sat by and let him ravage America unchallenged? No! We went the extra mile. Those who are criticizing us forget that FDR used deception to get this country into a war for civilization that had to be won. I think history will thank CNN and others who have risen to the higher morality of opposing the Trump tyranny by whatever means necessary.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.