By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Efforts by the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity to obtain data that could provide evidence on whether vote fraud has occurred are being blocked by key Democratic officials at the state level. ”
Neither the fact that there have been academic studies indicating that as many as five million or more non-citizens have voted and that there are millions of individuals registered to vote in more than one state and despite some irregularities—including more votes cast than registered voters in some precincts in last November’s election—were viewed as sufficient cause for any investigation by Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe.
“I cannot abide mucking about in the voter registration database unless someone comes forward with definitive proof that fraud has been committed,” the Governor said. “Mere suspicion is not enough to warrant the intrusion into voters’ privacy that the Commission’s information request would entail. This is just another Republican attempt to suppress the vote.”
California’s Democratic Secretary of State Alex Padilla rejected the Commission’s request for registration data on Fifth Amendment grounds. “Let’s say that some non-citizens did vote or that some voters voted more than once,” Padilla hypothesized. “These would be crimes, as would the actions of state registrars that aided, abetted, or ignored these illegal acts. I am not going to voluntarily participate in a probe that would effectively result in self-incrimination.”
Kris Kobach, the Kansas secretary of state serving as vice chair of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity called the non-cooperative responses “disappointing. If there truly has been no vote fraud, as the Democrats contend, our investigation should confirm that. The charge that we are trying to suppress the vote is a ridiculous allegation totally lacking evidence.”
McAuliffe pounced on Kobach’s claim, calling it “illogical. Presumably, the GOP would strive to eliminate duplicate registrations and purge non-citizens from the rolls. Obviously, such actions would reduce the number of ballots cast. So, for them to try to deny that their actions won’t suppress the vote is clearly a lie.”
Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban
Iran, the world’s top terror sponsor, expressed its “profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States,” and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague.
Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said “our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors into America as refugees, immigrants, and visitors. If the battle for the future of the world is to be a fair one we cannot allow one side to neutralize opposition by such an inequitable policy.”
American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty acknowledged that “Iran’s case is innovative, but not without merit. Iran is a big underdog when matched against US military might. Their long-shot chance at victory hinges on their ability to smuggle jihadis and suicide bombers inside the US borders. If the Trump Administration’s travel ban is allowed to stand Islam’s odds of winning would be greatly diminished—perhaps impossible. I could easily see the World Court vacating the ban in order to produce a more level playing field.”
CIA Director Mike Pompeo called Petty’s speculations “insane. This is not some sporting contest where the winner gets a trophy. It is civilization against vicious murderers. Petty might just as well argue that home security systems unfairly deter or impede criminals from breaking into your home to rob, rape and murder you. The travel ban is a moderate countermeasure aimed at deterring and impeding terrorists who will not shy away from the most barbaric atrocities in their quest to impose their will on the world.”
In related news, Canadian Member of Parliament Iqra Khalid introduced legislation that would outlaw anti-Muslim hate speech. “The conflict between Islam and the unbelievers is unnecessary,” he argued. “The Quran commands all Muslims to respect every member of the faith. If we have laws that mandate that everyone refrain from expressing anti-Muslim views we will be one step closer to that joyful day when all share the same faith and we can all live in peace.”
Planned Parenthood in the News
GOP plans to cut funding to Planned Parenthood inspired some creative rationalizations from a couple of Democrats this week. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) charged that Republican efforts to block tax dollars from going to fund abortions at Planned Parenthood “dishonors God. If God didn’t want us to abort unnecessary children why would He have allowed us to develop the technology to safely accomplish this?”
Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) likened himself and his fellow proponents of federal funding for Planned Parenthood to the soldiers who stormed the Normandy beaches in 1944. “We may not have to face the bullets and bombardment from entrenched Nazi hordes, but we are just as brave as those who did,” Booker lamely maintained. “The abortion services provided by Planned Parenthood are a vital front in our battle against a horde of unwanted offspring that would ravage our planet more thoroughly than the Nazis ever could have. They may call us ‘baby murderers,’ but we are ‘planet savers’ who each ought to get a ‘medal of honor’ for our courageous sacrifice on behalf of the future.”
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra is refiling charges against pro-life advocates David Daleiden and Sandra Merritt for their undercover exposé of Planned Parenthood’s illegal trafficking in aborted baby parts. This action came after a judge struck down 14 of 15 earlier charges.
Becerra insisted that “by portraying themselves as prospective participants in a criminal act Daleiden and Merritt unfairly deceived the officials at Planned Parenthood into making incriminating statements. This violated their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. It also unfairly exploited Planned Parenthood’s expectation of confidentiality. Were we to let such a betrayal go unpunished others would be encouraged to similarly infiltrate and expose matters that Planned Parenthood and other organizations working to implement a progressive agenda would rather remain private.”
The California AG cited recent testimony from Minnesota in which Planned Parenthood employees were reported to have promised one anxious prospective late-term abortion client that “if the baby was to come out still alive and active, most likely we would break the baby’s neck” as “further evidence to support my case. Breaking a baby’s neck may seem cruel or indelicate, but it may be necessary to get the job done. Do we really want to go down a road that will cause every abortion practitioner to question whether normal procedures could land them in legal trouble?”
ISIS Jihadis Complain About Job Prospects
Now that the Islamic State is on the verge of defeat, some of those who are fleeing back to the European countries that sheltered them before they left to join the jihad are having difficulties finding jobs. Sweden is now grappling with how to reintegrate these men into society.
Returning jihadi Imak Udih complained, “I apply for a lot of jobs, but I can’t get any. They say that because I killed unbelievers in Syria I can’t be trusted. But I was just following my faith. Persecuting me for that violates my religious freedom.”
Swedish Culture and Democracy Minister Alice Bah Kuhnke has proposed that returning jihadis be given new identities. “A lot of people are going to prejudge these men,” Kuhnke said. “Just because they killed someone in the Middle East doesn’t mean they are going to go on a killing rampage in Sweden. We need a program that gives them a fresh start—new papers, a crime-free biography, a fake work history—so they can reintegrate themselves into Swedish life.”
Udih endorsed Kuhnke’s proposal calling it “a useful interlude in the battle for the world caliphate. Maybe my days on the front line of the struggle are over, but if I can get a decent job and a wife I can help sire the next generation of fighters.”
CNN Blames Trump for Fake News
This past week CNN was forced to fire a trio of its journalists for getting caught fabricating an untrue Trump/Russia collusion story. On top of this, several undercover operations conducted by people working with James O’Keefe revealed that assorted big wheels at the network knew that the whole Trump/Russia collusion story has been bogus from the very beginning.
In one video John Bonifield, CNN supervising producer was recorded saying that “the Russia story is mostly bullshit, but it was good for ratings. Ratings bring in profits. Given a choice between rigidly sticking to the truth and making a buck—well, we’re in business to make money. Truth is expendable.”
In another video, CNN commentator Van Jones assessed the Russia story as “a big nothing burger.” Unable to unsay those words, Jones argued that “what I said is less important than the fact that no one in the media likes O’Keefe. He is not an accepted part of the journalistic establishment. Those of us who are revile him and wish he’d go away. I urge all of those in CNN’s viewing audience to ignore whatever he has to say or show.”
In yet another video, CNN associate producer Jimmy Carr called Trump “f—–g crazy” and labeled voters “stupid as sh*t.”
CNN CEO Jeff Zucker defended his network and insisted that “Trump is the one who is to blame for all this. If he had lost the election like everyone thought he would we wouldn’t have to deal with him right now. But, against all odds he squeaked out a narrow win in the electoral college. Should we just sat by and let him ravage America unchallenged? No! We went the extra mile. Those who are criticizing us forget that FDR used deception to get this country into a war for civilization that had to be won. I think history will thank CNN and others who have risen to the higher morality of opposing the Trump tyranny by whatever means necessary.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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