By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Arnold Reed, attorney for Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich), asserted a claim of “constitutional immunity” in a bid to shield the congressman from charges that he wrongfully spent $27,000 in public monies to purchase the silence of a woman he is alleged to have sexually harassed.

“My client is no ordinary person,” Reed said. “He is a member of Congress. As such, he is entitled to privileges granted to such members by the Constitution. Among these privileges is immunity from arrest for any crimes save treason, felony, and breach of the peace. Even if true, the allegations made against him do not fit within these categories. Unwanted sexual advances are neither treasonous nor felonious. And paying hush money would seem to clearly constitute an effort to keep the peace rather than breach it.”

“Further, the Constitution makes Congress the sole judge of the behavior of its members,” Reed added. “In fulfillment of this responsibility, Congress established the Office Of Compliance (OOC) and has paid out $17 million over the past 20 years to induce victims to sign nondisclosure agreements to protect members of Congress from having damaging allegations be publicized. While not specifically part of the OOC process, my client’s payments were within the scope and in the same spirit of the OOC’s payments to persons victimized by other representatives and senators.”

“Finally, the Constitution gives Congress the authority to keep certain actions secret,” Reed observed. “Quite reasonably, this currently includes the payouts made by the OOC. It would be discriminatory for my client to be penalized for mirroring the OOC’s practices. Rep. Conyers is asserting his right to equal treatment under the rules of Congress and demanding that the same immunity from embarrassment that has been purchased for his peers by the OOC be extended to him.”

House colleague Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) rallied to Conyers’ defense, calling him “a man of impeccable integrity on all of our issues. He didn’t do anything that most of the white boys in congress haven’t done. Singling him out like they’re doing is racist.”

In related news, Lois Lerner, Obama Administration’s director of the Exempt Organizations Unit of the Internal Revenue Service, who used her position to illegally discriminate against conservative organizations, is demanding that the testimony she gave in exchange for a grant of immunity be permanently withheld from the public, claiming that “if the full details of what we did to these people were to become widely known my personal safety would be threatened.” Lerner’s public plea for secrecy came in response to a lawsuit seeking civil damages being pursued by Citizens for Self Governance.

For Attempt to Record Bullying, Mother Is Charged with Felony

After numerous unanswered complaints to the bureaucrats running Ocean View Elementary school in Norfolk, Virginia regarding her daughter being bullied by other students, Sarah Sims put a digital recorder in her 9-year-old’s backpack. School authorities found the recorder and reported it to the police. Sims is now charged with “felony use of a device to intercept oral communication.”

Vice-Principal Rupert Petty explained that “covert recording is not a minor infraction. For one thing, surveillance is the exclusive prerogative of school authorities. Students and parents who take it upon themselves to usurp this prerogative demonstrate a disrespect for authority. We have a ‘no tolerance’ policy for this type of disobedience.”

Sims’ attorney Kristin Paulding characterized the school’s complaint as “an unreasonable abuse of their authority. Their apparent indifference to the bullying going on at the school prodded my client to take her own measures to try to protect her child. Having her charged with a felony that could mean jail time would further endanger her daughter. I can’t imagine that any sane judge or jury would convict her.”

“Whether Ms. Sims goes to jail or not is not our concern,” Petty responded. “The mere fear of going to jail combined with the expense and effort necessary to avoid a conviction ought to be sufficient to discourage other parents and students from launching similar challenges to the school’s way of doing things.”

GOP Tax Bill Gives Jersey Dem Pause

A provision in the Republican tax reform that would eliminate the itemized deduction for state and local income taxes has prompted New Jersey State Senate President Steve Sweeney (D) to reconsider his Party’s plan to raise the state income tax rate to 10.75 percent.

“While the new rate would only apply to those in the highest tax bracket the loss of the opportunity to deduct the taxes they pay to New Jersey from their federal tax liability could have significant negative impacts on the state,” Sweeney warned. “Without these federal deductions for state taxes the full burden for state spending will fall on our taxpayers alone. New Jersey voters’ willingness to bear this burden is in doubt.”

U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) hailed Sweeney’s reluctance to raise New Jersey’s income tax rate, calling it “one of the intended outcomes of our bill. The federal deduction has encouraged state legislatures to boost tax rates and frivolous spending higher than they would otherwise dare to do. By eliminating the option of passing on some of the burdens of bigger government to residents of low-tax states we are leveling the playing field. If New Jersey voters want bigger government let them pay the full price of it by themselves.”

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) opposes eliminating the deduction contending that “the high-tax states have become accustomed to the subsidies from low-tax states that result from the current tax code. Withdrawing them will cause severe distress and force changes that those who govern the high-tax states would prefer not to have to deal with.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A lawyer representing Sen. Diane Feinstein (Calif)–the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee–requested the opportunity to meet privately with former FBI informant, William Campbell. Campbell helped the FBI chronicle bribery, kickbacks and money laundering connected to the Uranium One scandal.

Victoria Toensing, Campbell’s attorney, agreed to meet, but questioned the time and location suggested by Feinstein’s lawyer, saying that “a midnight meeting at Fort Marcy Park strikes me as unusually inconvenient, probably unwise, and potentially dangerous.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, called Feinstein’s request “premature. Mr. Campbell will be testifying before the entire Committee. Every senator on the committee will have an opportunity to question him. If any senator has additional questions afterward a one-on-one meeting in a more conventional time and location can be arranged.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton insists that “any effort by the Department of Justice or Congress to investigate me is an abuse of power. All of the actions I took while Secretary of State are exempt because of a concept called ‘sovereign immunity.’ Namely, every agent of government is free to carry out his or her duties without interference and second-guessing by outsiders.” Clinton pointed out that “this isn’t the first time that my enemies have tried to drag me to court. But let me remind you that in so may instances fate has intervened to eliminate my accusers before any harm could be done.”

Update on Sexual Allegations Sweeping the Country

The rising tide of allegations of sexual harassment that swept through Hollywood is now inundating politics and moistening persons of varying ideological proclivities.
So far, eight women have accused Alabama Republican senatorial candidate Roy Moore of sexually inappropriate behavior dating back several decades. The most serious accusation alleging attempted rape was made by Beverly Young Nelson. The veracity of this allegation was cast into some doubt by Nelson’s own lawyer—Gloria Allred—who refused to attest to the validity of the signed high school yearbook offered in support of Nelson’s claim. As she told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer “I haven’t asked my client whether the ‘Roy Moore’ signature is genuine. Even if it is a forgery, though, that wouldn’t prove that he didn’t try to rape her.”

Moore has demanded that the yearbook be examined by an independent handwriting expert to assess whether it is or isn’t a forgery. To date, Allred has declined to submit the book for forensic examination, insisting that “the time isn’t yet ripe for such a step. My client’s credibility shouldn’t be held hostage to the admittedly imperfect art of handwriting analysis.”

While a number of leading Republicans have asserted that Moore must give up his run for the Senate because of the allegations, sexual abuse allegations against sitting Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) have inspired only a call for an “ethics” investigation from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Sen. Franken is already a colleague and, as such, is entitled to certain privileges and immunities,” McConnell contended. “We need hard evidence before we jump the gun on him.”

Interestingly, there is a photo of Franken fondling the breasts of his accuser while she slept. Kasie Hunt, the Capitol Hill correspondent for NBC News, brushed aside the photo evidence saying that “since the woman was asleep I can’t see that any real harm was done to her. I mean. Franken is well known for his crude sense of humor. Leeann is only degrading herself by bringing this up after so many years have passed.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) revealed that Congress has a slush fund that has paid out $15 million over the last 20 years to “hush up incidents of harassment and abuse carried out by members of congress. The ironically named Office of Compliance (OOC) essentially protects the offenders by forcing victims to sign nondisclosure agreements as a condition of getting a settlement. Leadership’s notion that mandating sexual harassment training for all lawmakers and staff will solve the problem is ludicrous. Congress is purportedly the elite of our democratic society. How could any member not already know that fondling, groping, intimidating, or sexually assaulting is wrong?”

In related news, disgraced former purveyor of fake news Dan Rather absolved former President Bill Clinton from “any blame that might attach to his alleged improper behavior. Even if he did rape Broadderick, so much time has passed that she is a hideous old woman now. She is not the kind of person that a man of sophistication and taste like President Clinton could be seriously suspected of assaulting.”

Dems Introduce Articles of Impeachment

This week Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) introduced Articles of Impeachment against President Donald Trump, saying that “this usurper must be held accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors before he drags the country into the hellish tyranny he has designed for America.” The list of offenses includes…

“On election night in 2016, rather than gracefully and rightly conceding to the winner of the popular vote, Donald Trump exploited a the loophole of the Electoral College to unfairly declare himself president,” Cohen charged. “Millions were summarily disenfranchised. Women and minorities were especially hard hit.”

“He continues to steadfastly refuse to release his income tax returns, relying on the so-called legal right to privacy that the IRS law allows to every taxpayer,” Cohen complained. “Privacy is a bourgeois conceit that has no rightful place in a socially progressive society. It is not up to the individual to decide what is to be private. That is a decision belonging to the government.”

“In defiance of the norms under which members of government obtain wealth by trading on their positions of power, Trump continues to hold an ownership share in capitalistic enterprises that reap their profits from offering services for which customers voluntarily pay,” Cohen revealed. “This raises a ‘red flag’ that suggests he cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of the governing class.”

“And just last week he couldn’t give a speech without pausing in the middle to drink from a bottle of water,” Cohen said. “No other president has ever done this. Is he merely uncouth? Or does he have a serious medical problem? Either way his fitness to hold the office must be questioned.”

“Finally, he has cast aspersions on the media, repeatedly referring to it as ‘fake news,’ thus undermining the credibility of our nation’s foremost arbiters of truth,” Cohen concluded. “Thomas Jefferson warned us against this threat to our freedoms. Those who question the media strike at the very heart of our constitutional guarantee of freedom of the press. If the people lose faith in the media they will be set adrift in a sea of cacophonic and disparate opinion with no reliable guide to correct thought.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the House judiciary committee that “there is not enough evidence to support a special counsel to investigate Hillary Clinton.” He differentiated Clinton’s situation from that of President Trump by pointing out “in the case of Trump and the Russians there was the GPS Fusion dossier that provided a sound foundation of evidence for appointing Mueller to probe further. There is no similar dossier on Mrs. Clinton.”

Socialist Students Reject Food Drive Challenge

At Kent State University in Ohio, two left-wing student clubs—the Young Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA) and the Socialist Collective (SC)–rejected a challenge from Young Americans for Liberty (YAL) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA) to see which organization could gather the most food for poor people in a campus-wide canned food drive.

YDSA chapter co-chair, Ethan Comeriato, explained “While in the short run the food drive would benefit the public our participation would detract from our long-term goal of helping the poor through socialism. The flaw in all charitable giving is that the giver has the option to refuse. In the progressive America toward which we are working the option to refuse will be replaced by government control of all resources. Rather than having to rely on individual generosity to care for the less well off, government experts will dole out the necessities of life for the collective benefit of all.”

Comeriato also labeled the challenge “a capitalistic trick aimed at supporting the false consciousness of individualism. By making the collection of food a competition it obscures the reality that the poor have every right to seize the food they need from those who have a surplus. This is a dangerous idea spewed by dangerous organizations. If the challenge entailed breaking into the homes of the rich and confiscating food for distribution to the poor we’d be all-in.”

YAL chapter president, Kevin Cline, expressed his disappointment of the rebuff, saying “the purpose of our challenge was to extend an olive branch to our ideological counterparts on campus, open up a mutual dialogue and friendly channels of communication, and accomplish some good for our community in the process.”

“Socialists cannot be friendly with capitalists,” Comeriato replied. “These exploiters of the working class must be dispossessed and punished for their crimes against humanity. As Marx proved so long ago, those who resist the revolution for social justice must be reeducated or liquidated, as the people’s tribunals will decide. There is no point to a dialogue with Cline or his ilk when it is people like him that we mean to publicly hang as an example to everyone that we are serious about transforming our country.”

Dems Demand Free Abortions for Illegals

Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) and 15 other Democratic senators signed a letter to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) assailing a Trump Administration policy denying illegal unaccompanied minors access to abortion.

“Long ago the Supreme Court decreed that it is every woman’s constitutional right to abort her unwanted child,” the letter said. “The Administration’s attempt to get around the Court’s decree by asserting it doesn’t apply to females in the country illegally is reprehensible. Their argument that providing free abortions to illegal immigrants would only encourage more illegal immigration is irrelevant. Providing a refuge for those seeking abortions outlawed in the Latin American tyrannies from which these women are escaping upholds the longstanding traditions of our country as a beacon of freedom.”

Sen. Murray elaborated on the letter, insisting that “laws against using taxes to fund abortions are obviously unconstitutional. What good is a theoretical right to an abortion if you can’t afford to pay for it? The whole point of an impoverished female coming to America to abort her unwanted child would be completely thwarted if the government can refuse to pay for it. In light of recent scientific findings showing that having children is harming the planet, it would be insane for us not to fund every possible abortion we can before it is too late.”

In related news, another new constitutional right was recently announced by Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley who asserted that “the Constitution’s ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause says that Army personnel have a constitutional right to change their gender and the government has an obligation to provide the medical and financial resources to see that this right is fulfilled.”

Biden’s Bizarre Gun Control Logic

Despite the availability of an AR-15 to Stephen Willeford being a crucial factor that helped him bring and end to the Sutherland Springs, Texas church massacre, former Vice-President Joe Biden adamantly asserted that “this is the type of gun no one should be allowed to have.”

“I know some will argue that Willeford saved lives by shooting the guy who was killing dozens of people in that church,” Biden acknowledged. “But we’ve got to look at the bigger picture and be willing to make the sacrifices that promote the greater good. If Willeford hadn’t had the AR-15 the killer might’ve shot a few more people. On the other hand, widespread ownership of AR-15s poses a much more serious threat that anti-government types could mount a dangerous resistance to government authority.

Eliminating this greater danger by confiscating weapons like the AR-15 is clearly the better policy.”

The editors at the Boston Globe newspaper took an even more extreme view than the former Veep and demanded that all 300 million privately held guns be confiscated. “One of the commonly overlooked advantages of the former Soviet Union’s gun control policies is that when only government authorities have legal access to firearms the ability of private citizens to shoot one another is drastically curtailed,” the editors observed. “Perhaps it’s time for us to accept a sinilar trade-off and give up our freedom to own guns in exchange for the freedom to not be shot by our fellow citizens.”

In possibly related news, a former Secret Service agent assigned to guard Biden during his vice-presidency claims that agents frequently had to intervene to protect women from being fondled by him. “He’d get ‘touchy-feely’ at every opportunity,” the agent recalled. “We couldn’t avert all the groping and would later cringe when we saw the evidence captured in photos of official events he attended. I mean, he doesn’t have the same senility escape clause employed by former President Bush and his demented ‘Copafeel’ magician joke.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Washington Post’s publication of allegations that Judge Roy Moore, the GOP candidate for Alabama’s open senate seat, made improper sexual advances toward teen-age women in 1979 sparked calls for him to exit the race.

Sen. John McCain (R-Az) insisted that Moore “should immediately step aside and allow the people of Alabama to elect a candidate they can be proud of. The allegations alone are disqualifying. Even if they turn out to be untrue the Senate is no place for a man about whom such charges are reported in a highly respected media outlet like the Post.”

Ironically, McCain was the target of allegations that he was engaged in an extramarital affair with a Washington lobbyist during his ill-fated 2008 presidential campaign. He didn’t step aside, something he now acknowledges “may have been a mistake. It was before I had the nomination. If I had made an earlier exit I could have been replaced by a candidate voters could have been proud of.”

McCain wasn’t the only unsuccessful GOP presidential candidate to demand Moore drop out of the race. The 2012 Republican presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, echoed the Arizona Senator, saying that Moore’s accuser’s story of bringing a basket of food to her grandmother’s house in the woods only to be confronted by the wolfish Moore “has a ring of truth about it that I find very persuasive. I can’t believe she would make up such a story.”

The National Republican Senatorial Committee has cut off funding for Moore’s campaign. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) urged Sen. Luther Strange, who lost to Moore in the Republican primary, to run as a write-in candidate. Both of these moves would greatly increase the odds that Democrat Doug Jones will be Alabama’s next US senator. “No matter,” says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), “I’d rather be in the minority than have to accept a tainted Republican as a senate colleague. We’ve been in the minority before. It’s not so bad. There’s a lot less pressure to get things done when you’re in the minority, but the perks are all still there.”

In related news, the US Senate has confirmed fewer of President Trump’s executive and judicial nominees at this point of his term than the nominees of any previous president. Minority Leader Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) has exploited every available procedure to delay confirmation votes. The Senate’s two-and-a-half day workweek is another contributing factor. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) lamented the slow pace, but asserted that “long standing Senate procedures cannot be abandoned simply because they impede the efficient function of the government. The attraction of being a senator would be dissipated if it required a 40-hour work week or expeditious handling of matters up for action.”

NYC Mayor Taunts ISIS

Emboldened by his reelection with 70 percent of the vote, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio brazenly mocked Islamic terrorists calling the recent attack that killed eight people “feeble. There are more than eight million New Yorkers. It would take more than million attacks of the magnitude of that launched by Mr. Saipov to kill us all. Besides, five of the eight he killed were Argentinians—not New Yorkers, per se.”

“New Yorkers are resilient,” the Mayor continued. “Common criminals murder 300 people a year in our city, but our citizens don’t quake in fear because they know their government is safe from murderous assault. I have bodyguards with me 24/7. So no matter how many ordinary inhabitants terrorists may succeed in killing my reign will go on.”

In related news, the US Army is pondering whether to pay convicted deserter Pvt. Bowe Bergdahl $300,000 in back pay now that a judge has decided against sending him to prison. Army spokesman Col. Walter Wussier explained “if he were going to prison he wouldn’t need the money, but as a convicted traitor it will be hard for him to find a good job. A generous severance package would help him attain a decent lifestyle on the outside.”

Senator Reverses Herself on “Rigged Primary” Charge

Last week Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) told CNN’s Jake Tapper that the 2016 Democratic presidential primary was rigged to favor Hillary Clinton over her rival Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). This week she reversed herself saying that “I am persuaded that I was being manipulated into a false consciousness.”

The chief “persuader” according to Warren was none other than Hillary Clinton. “She reminded me that Bernie was the communist candidate and that the Russians would have had no incentive to rig the primaries against him,” the Senator said. “Once their efforts to secure the nomination for their ‘mole’ fell through they went to their back-up plan to undermine the person they most feared—Secretary Clinton.”

A secondary factor in her changed opinion “was Donna’s admission that her ‘tell all’ book was largely fiction. Publishers demand that there be some ‘blockbuster’ revelations before they will fork over millions for the rights to your book. Political campaigns are mostly boring tales of envelope stuffing, meaningless sound bites, and pressing-the-flesh. An honest recount might interest professional historians, but they are a tiny minority of the book-buyers in America. Now that Donna has pocketed her advance she is free to revert back to the dull reality.”

Sanders labeled Warren’s contention “ludicrous. First of all, in case Sen. Warren hasn’t noticed, Russia isn’t communist anymore. If they were going to meddle in the election it wouldn’t have been to help me. I’m not the one who sold Russia uranium in exchange for multi-million dollar donations to my foundation. Second of all, what’s so bad about communism? Hundreds of millions may have been oppressed and tens of millions killed, but the Soviet Union modernized a backward country and enforced an equality that we can only wish we had in America.”

Newly elected Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez contends that “the DNC actually did less than it could have on Hillary’s behalf. Back in 2008, the Party brought in thugs to frighten Republican voters away from some polling places. The Party didn’t do that for Hillary. Perhaps we were overconfident she would win without the full array of normal procedures. It was a mistake that has cost Democrats dearly. And one we may have to live with for quite awhile.”

The corruption within the Democratic Party is so bad that long-time Party strategist Doug Schoen urged major change. “The entire Democratic Party stinks from the head down, the whole process,” he complained. “The rigged primary, the Uranium One payoffs, the Trump dossier—it’s a mess. We need a special prosecutor to look into this.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Tex), though, blamed Trump for the “mess” saying that “his incitement of white supremacy, sexism, bigotry, hatred, xenophobia, race-baiting, and racism is what has driven the Democratic Party to undertake these desperate measures aimed at thwarting his tyranny. Until this man is impeached and removed from office we will continue to see riots in the streets, unending sexual harassment, and the persecution of minorities.”

In related news, flush with the success of what the Washington Post called their “vile and despicable” ad on behalf of Democrat Ralph Northam in the Virginia governor’s election, the Latino Victory Fund vowed to “spread the message far and wide” in future electoral contests. Cristóbal Alex, Latino Victory Fund president, justified the scurrilous ad, calling it “payback for Republican ads maligning MS-13, claiming it is a criminal gang.”

California NAACP Wants to Get Rid of the “Star Spangled Banner”

The California chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is lobbying the State Legislature to remove the Star Spangled Banner as the country’s national anthem. California NAACP President Alice Huffman credited former National Football League player Colin Kaepernick with “drawing attention to just how racist, pro-slavery,  anti-black the song is.”

While the words of the song seem to focus on fighting for freedom, Huffman contended that “the opening line asking whether Jose can see both belittles the eyesight of our Latino friends and singles them out for unknown, but probably racist reasons.”

Rep. Danny Davis (D-Ill) lauded the NAACP initiative and pointed out that “the lack of mention for this country’s foremothers and foresisters in the song is an unforgivable sexist slight, too. You know, former President Obama raised this issue back when he first ran for president. He objected to the bellicose content of the song—all the bombs bursting and such. He suggested at that time that we adopt the song ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing’ as our anthem. I think that was very prescient of him and would be happy to introduce the legislation needed to accomplish this.”

Senate Tax Legislation May Delay Corporate Tax Cut

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concerns that the House proposal to make corporate tax cuts take place immediately “has sparked apprehension among our Democratic colleagues that such precipitous action would put their Party’s candidates at an unfair disadvantage during the 2018 election. They fear that the repatriation of corporate money currently held outside the country that such a tax cut would initiate would lead to too big of an increase in investment and jobs and that it would essentially ensure a Republican sweep of all competitive races for House and Senate seats.”

“Rather than tilt the playing field against our colleagues we are considering postponing the planned corporate tax cuts until 2019,” McConnell said. “That would put any potential economic resurgence into a period beyond the date of the election and remove the unfair advantage it could give Republicans in the minds of the voters.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) was effusive in his praise for what he called “Mitch’s extraordinary devotion to fair play. That he would turn away from using his Party’s power to ram through a measure that could guarantee his Party remained the majority is the kind of selflessness you rarely see in politics. I don’t know if I could be as magnanimous were our roles reversed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his “lack of empathy” following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. “Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an ‘animal’ and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous,” the former Secretary of State asserted. “Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?”

She went on to contrast “Trump’s bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown by previous presidents. Bill had numerous opportunities to apprehend or take out Osama bin Laden, but restrained himself out of respect for Muslim cultural differences. Similarly, President Obama urged calm and forgiveness rather than violent retribution when our ambassador to Libya was accidentally killed.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised,” Clinton said. “I tried to warn voters that Trump’s efforts to draw sharp distinctions between friends vs. enemies, criminals vs. victims, bad guys vs. good guys was the kind of thinking that ignored our common humanity. Rather than try to understand why Muslims feel compelled to kill us or why criminals seek a redistribution of wealth, Trump just condemns behavior he doesn’t like and abuses the presidency to cram his backward, anti-progressive way of seeing things down our throats.”

In related news, the editors at the New York Times advised people not to be alarmed when they hear someone screaming Allahu Akbar, calling it “just an everyday phrase” and the violence that frequently ensues immediately afterward as “an easily misunderstood behavior. Those of us familiar with the Quran recognize that killing unbelievers is a sacred obligation for practitioners of Islam. It’s as important for Muslims as confession is for Catholics. Its blanket condemnation by President Trump is a dangerous sign of the impending tyranny his Administration would impose against constitutionally protected freedom of religion in our country.”

2016 Democratic Primaries Rigged

This week, an excerpt from former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile’s forthcoming book asserted that the DNC conspired with Hillary Clinton to rig the Party’s primary system to cheat Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders out of the presidential nomination. Ironically, Brazile lost her gig at CNN when Wikileaks revealed that she abetted the cheating by giving Hillary Clinton an advance peak at debate questions.

Brazile expressed shock that in exchange for a $20 million cash payment, the DNC under her predecessor Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) sold controlling interest to Hillary Clinton. “I don’t know whether that was illegal, but it sure was unusual,” Brazile wrote. “Normally, control over the National Committee isn’t transferred to a candidate until after the nomination is secured at the convention.”

Clinton expressed surprise following the publication of Brazile’s contention, saying “from what I’ve heard, Donna hasn’t been well. Perhaps a brain tumor has addled her thinking. The $20 million was a straightforward purchase of controlling interest much like many of the purchases made by Trump on his way to becoming a billionaire. Why is it okay for him to buy a hotel, but not for me to buy a political party? Trying to make my purchase look illegitimate is yet another example of the sexism that wrecked my campaign’s chances.”

Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill.) announced that Brazile’s evidence will be added to the impeachment case he is building against President Trump. “The dire threat that Mr. Trump’s candidacy posed to America drove the most highly esteemed candidate that ever sought the office to have to resort to irregular tactics,” Gutiérrez charged. “Corrupting her virtue in such a manner is the highest crime imaginable.”

In related news, in testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sean Edgett, Acting General Counsel for Twitter, Inc., admitted that “despite our efforts to stack the deck against him, Trump was able to effectively use Twitter to boost his campaign. We were able to suppress nearly 50 percent of the negative tweets about Clinton while allowing all the negative tweets about Trump to freely flow through our network. Clinton originated twice as many tweets as Trump did, but his tweets were re-tweeted twice as often. This type of clever and anarchic devolution of control from the company to its customers is a problem we are looking into.”

Sessions Recuses Himself Again

Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can’t open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010’s Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself.

As Sessions explained, “any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it’s like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in a trial. Frankly, I don’t see how anyone who’s paid any attention to the news over the past eight years wouldn’t have to recuse himself. That wouldn’t seem to leave anyone available to take up the case. I know it seems stupid, but that’s how our blind justice system is supposed to work.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla), one of the congressmen who witnessed Sessions recusing himself characterized the AG’s reasoning as “lame and confused. If every prosecutor took such a stance no person of notoriety could ever be brought to justice. Sessions’ passing of the buck to Rosenstein—a lesser known person who may also be implicated in the Uranium One scandal—is senseless and irresponsible.”

Candidate Discovers She’s Black

Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.

“Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children,” Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. “I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children.”

The Senator alleged that “this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman.”

Warren pledged to “focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn’t be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn’t impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society.”

Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be “tepidly optimistic” about her candidacy. “While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I’m thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered.”

In related news, the mysterious appearance around the country of flyers saying “it’s okay to be white” has struck terror among assorted minorities. Principal Renay Johnson of Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, said “the appearance of these flyers at our school is the most frightening incident I could have imagined ever happening here. It directly contradicts what we are trying to teach our students. The perpetrators must be hunted down and punished to full extent of what the law allows.”

NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself

New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself “pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn’t been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth.”

John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said “Saipov appears to have followed, almost exactly to a T, the instructions that Isis has put out.” This observation inspired Mayor Bill de Blasio to declare “today, I am a Muslim and I urge every resident of this great City to weigh the risks and rewards of not making the smarter and safer choice. Consider—Bible, Quran—these are just books with words that few people read. If you reject the Bible no priest or rabbi is likely to try to kill you. Meanwhile, you would be eliminating a Muslim’s incentive to kill you. Once we are all nominally Muslim the madness can cease.”

Shat al-Ott, Imam of the Paterson New Jersey radical mosque attended by Saipov, dismissed de Blasio’s recommendation, calling it “insincere. Islam is not a phony religion like Christianity. It requires full devotion, daily prayer, pilgrimages, and a willingness to fight for the spread of the faith. Anyone who is not willing to kill or risk being killed in this struggle is not a true Muslim and must be slain.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) dismissed President Trump’s demand that we end the diversity visa lottery program that facilitated the terrorist’s entry, and that of 23 of his family members, into the United States as “absurd. The actions of Mr. Saipov demonstrate that the program is working like it’s supposed to work. What could be more diverse than killing a random bunch of people out of religious devotion? The chances of finding a ‘home-grown’ American who would do such a thing are exceedingly slim. If Trump’s effort toward excluding people of different faiths and customs is successful we would be isolated from world-wide trends that are reshaping what it means to live in modern times. Europe has adjusted to the new ‘normal.’ Do we really want to be left behind?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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