CNN Analysts Clash

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, CNN legal analyst Paul Callan acknowledged that Republican concerns about the objectivity of the FBI investigating alleged collusion are justified. “I started out angry at the aspersions being cast upon this venerated law enforcement agency, but the deeper I probed the more substantive the Republican claims became,” Callan said.

“Take this FBI agent Peter Strzok,” Callan began. “First, there’s this trail of texts between him and fellow FBI agent Lisa Page indicating a definite covert scheme during 2016 to undermine the Trump candidacy and an ‘insurance plan’ to undermine his presidency in the event he wins the election. It turns out that Strzok was instrumental in pushing FBI Director James Comey’s decision to exonerate Hillary Clinton for her mishandling of classified emails.”

“Then there’s the $700,000 in Democratic Party funds paid to FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s wife for her senate campaign,” Callan continued. “Clearly, McCabe should have recused himself from any investigation involving Clinton and the Democratic Party, but he didn’t. Instead he apparently collaborated with Strzok and Page in their scheme to undermine Trump. These are not the behaviors one should expect from impartial law-enforcement officials.”

Later on, CNN legal Analyst Michael Zeldin rejected Callan’s concerns asserting that “my colleague has fallen into the web of Republican deception. The job of the FBI is to protect this country from those who would undermine our form of government. It couldn’t be clearer from both his campaign rhetoric and his actions as president that Donald Trump is as big a threat as there has ever been in this regard. The actions of Strzok, Page, McCabe, Comey were the actions of patriots willing to step outside the lines of legal impartiality for the greater good. Suggestions by the likes of Rep. Rooney (R-FL) that these heroes should be ‘purged’ from the FBI for trying to engineer a ‘coup d’etat’ are the real threat.”

In related news, it now appears that Special Counsel Robert Mueller met secretly with former FBI Director Comey prior to his June 2017 testimony before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence in which he admitted asking “a friend” to illegally leak a memo he wrote “because I thought that might prompt the appointment of a special counsel.” As luck would have it, that leak led to the appointment of his long-time friend Mueller as the Special Counsel.

First Year Presidential Approval Ratings for Trump vs. Obama

The 2017 Rasmussen year-end poll of presidential approval ratings for President Trump of 46% approve vs. 53% disapprove matched those of his 2009 year-end presidential approval poll of President Obama. In polls taken shortly after each man’s inauguration, Obama’s approval rating was 67% while Trump’s was 59%.

Considering that Trump’s first year had to endure an unrelenting barrage of negative media coverage while Obama received relatively little criticism makes the Rasmussen results all the more amazing. According to the Pew Research Center, Obama received 42% positive coverage vs. only 20% negative coverage. In contrast, Trump received only 5% positive coverage vs. 62% negative coverage.

Trump’s tweet hailing the latest Rasmussen poll numbers was airily dismissed by CNN: “Our weighted average of the polling data shows that Secretary Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election by a landslide. This one Rasmussen poll is clearly an outlier with little credibility or connection to reality.”

NY Gov Says Trump Tax Cut Unconstitutional

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) is weighing a lawsuit to challenge the constitutionality of the recently passed Tax Cuts and Jobs Bill on the grounds that “it has a partisan impact. On paper, the legislation says nothing about political parties. In effect, though, the new law reduces the exemption for state-levied taxes. This hits high-tax states like New York especially hard. Since all the high-tax states are run by Democrats the new law is unfairly discriminatory toward states controlled by Democrats.”

Cuomo brushed aside the suggestion that his state could escape the negative impacts by lowering state taxes, calling it “a less desirable option. Keeping state taxes low is the Republican way of doing things. Mimicking their policy would derail us from our long-term progress toward shifting the control over the nation’s resources out of the hands of selfish individuals and into the unselfish hands of government experts dedicated to social justice. The idea that it is individual people who produce resources through their work and investment is a myth that was convincingly disproved by President Obama when he pointed out that no one builds their own business. Someone else made that happen. That ‘someone else’ is the government. Using tax policy to try to feed that individualistic fantasy is unfair.”

Even before the passage of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Bill New York has been losing residents to low-tax states. In the last seven years more than one million people have left the state—making New York the number one state in net out-migration. E.J. McMahon of the Empire Center, a fiscal watchdog group in New York, cited “lack of economic opportunity upstate and the high cost of living downstate and in New York City. High state and local taxes on income, sales, and property are major contributors to the state’s negative economic environment.”

In related news, French President Emmanuel Macron has been roundly criticized by his country’s left for proposing that unemployment benefits be denied to those who refuse to accept jobs. Under his plan, those who refuse two reasonable job offers or who refuse training will have their benefits halved for two months. Alexis Corbiere of the France Unbowed Party denounced the proposal “as pure capitalistic exploitation. We socialists have worked hard to free our countrymen of the burdens of wage-slavery. We will resist this backward step with all our might.” Under the current French unemployment benefit program 9.6% of the working age population has been more or less permanently relieved of the scourge of wage-slavery.

Congresswoman Bumps Passenger

On a United Airlines flight from Houston to Washington, DC, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) added another bumped passenger to her growing list. When the passenger complained Jackson labeled her a “racist.”

Jean-Marie Simon, the woman Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee called a racist, is a photojournalist who helped document human-rights abuses in Guatemala during the 1980s. She currently teaches in a private school and is a registered Democrat.

“All that stuff about what she did in Guatemala doesn’t change the fact that she is white,” Lee argued. “All whites are racists. She was probably trying to atone for her whiteness by going to Guatemala. And registering Democrat doesn’t mean anything. It was Democrats who manned the firehouses in Selma. It was Democrats who made the Jim Crow laws. It was Democrats who fought the Civil War to defend slavery. The key thing is that she objected to a black woman taking her seat instead of realizing that it was a small reparation for all the suffering her kind inflicted on my kind over the centuries.”

In related news, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei praised Black Lives Matter for “their heroic opposition to the wanton murder of black men, women, and children” and urged them “to join the jihad against the Great Satan who oppresses their people.”

Differing Attitudes about Vote Fraud

A study by New York University Professor John Kane, published in the latest Public Opinion Quarterly found that Republicans have different attitudes about vote fraud than Democrats do.

“The gist of the findings are that Republicans are more concerned with election integrity while Democrats are more concerned with winning,” Kane said. “In the battery of survey questions we asked, Republicans consistently came down in favor of integrity regardless of whether this would benefit their Party’s candidates. In contrast, Democrats were less interested in integrity if it would mean fewer of their candidates would win.”

J. Christian Adams, president of the Public Interest Legal Foundation contends that “Kane’s study understates the difference between the Parties. Democrats aren’t just ‘less interested’ in integrity. They are flat out in favor of winning by whatever means necessary.”

One of Kane’s Democratic poll respondents appeared to confirm Adams’ contention by pointing out that “strict adherence to majority rule should not impede the transformation to a progressive government. Lenin didn’t balk at overthrowing a democratically elected government in order to achieve true socialism. If freely cast ballots stray from the path necessary to accomplish our goals supplementing them with correctly marked ballots is a less bloody method that our reactionary opponents ought to be more thankful we are using.”

In related news, in an interview conducted by England’s Prince Harry, former President Obama came out strongly against “the political anarchy spawned by the Internet and social media. It used to be expensive to communicate your message to millions of people. The cost excluded the masses from injecting their opinions into the stream of information. Now any yahoo with a phone and a finger can spout off whenever he wants. We need a way to cull the herd, so to speak, so that there’s a more realistic opportunity to develop a universal source of information and opinion. Only then will the common people be united in support of those of us who govern them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Appalled by Corporate Response to Tax Cut Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Congress passed and President Trump signed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act. The measure reduces taxes on corporations from 35% to 21% and on 80% of taxpaying individuals by smaller percentages. Democratic rhetoric attacking the the legislation predicted a “massive transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich” that would lead to “Armageddon” and “the end of the world.”

Contrary to these predictions, the immediate response by numerous corporations was to announce widespread employee bonuses and plans for substantial increases in investment and hiring. AT&T says it will pay $1,000 bonuses to 200,000 employees. Wells Fargo said it will raise its minimum wage to $15 an hour, and make $400 million in donations to community and nonprofit organizations next year. Boeing, Fifth Third Bancorp, and Comcast each announced additional investments.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled these actions “an unfair exploitation of a socially unjust law for purely political gain. The notion that private companies should be the ones deciding whether employees get raises or bonuses rejects everything the President Obama was trying to achieve. And the idea that corporations should be the ones determining how much to invest or whether to make charitable contributions is anti-democratic.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fundamentally unfair. The 50% of Americans who currently have no jobs and pay no income taxes get nothing from this bill. It is a thinly veiled trick to try to compel those who are not in the workforce to give up their free time and get jobs if they want to get a tax cut or corporate bonus. This stinks. The GOP will pay dearly at the polls next November for this cruel tyranny over the most vulnerable segments of society.”

Puerto Rico Gov. Ricardo Rosselló contends that “the money this bill gives to corporations and taxpayers is the rightful property of the poor. And none are poorer than Puerto Ricans. Our island is bankrupt and in greater need of these scarce resources than the businesses and individuals who worked to produce them.” Rosselló vowed to “mobilize every Puerto Rican voter to elect the kind of representatives and senators who can be counted on to expropriate the profiteers and redirect money to support programs that benefit the poorest among us.”

Meanwhile, New Jersey Governor-Elect Phil Murphy (D) says “the legislation is unconstitutional because parts of it are hand-written.” The irony, of course, is that the original Constitution itself is entirely hand-written.

In related news, Bureau of Labor statistics showing the lowest unemployment rate for Blacks in 17 years and the lowest ever for Hispanics greatly dismayed Democrats on the Joint Economic Committee. Sen. Martin Heinrich (D-NM) characterized it as “just more evidence of the complete failure of the Trump Administration to solve the nation’s economic problems. Minorities that previously got along without having to endure wage-slavery were herded into the rat-race by Trump’s maniacal destruction of unnecessary regulations. We are clearly headed for dark times in this country if we don’t take the necessary action to neutralize this enemy of freedom.”

Evidence of Presidential Obstruction of Justice

According to a report published by Politico, former President Obama blocked the Drug Enforcement Agency’s efforts to stop the Islamic terrorist group Hezbollah from developing a global narcotics syndicate. The nominal rationale for this intrusion to thwart a law enforcement operation was “to not upset delicate negotiations with Iran.” Hezbollah is largely funded by the Iranian government.

Ben Rhodes, former Deputy National Security Adviser during the Obama Administration, characterized the revelation as “Monday-morning ‘quarterbacking.’ Are we supposed to be shocked that a president might place a higher priority on reaching a diplomatic agreement with another country ahead of a routine and less important criminal case? Is the relationship between Hezbollah and Iran really our concern? I mean, it’s not as if a successful prosecution of Hezbollah’s drug smuggling would have solved the drug problem in this country.”

Trita Parsi, president of the National Iranian-American council, questioned “the presumed link between President Obama’s quashing of the drug investigation and the negotiations with Iran. Just because the Iranian government funds Hezbollah doesn’t mean that it could not be trusted to adhere to whatever agreement was worked out regarding its nuclear program. The sums the US government was willing to pay Iran for the agreement far exceeded the potential profits from drug smuggling. The President could’ve had other valid reasons for stopping the investigation.”

Former Obama State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf insisted that “any claim that President Obama would ever try to obstruct justice is incomprehensible. His commitment to social justice was far ahead of any of his predecessors. My best guess is that he might have wanted to shut down the DEA investigation because he believed that Hezbollah was driven to crime and terrorism by discriminatory hiring practices in this country. I would be willing to bet that subsequent to his intervention many of the members of Hezbollah were given jobs somewhere within his Administration.”

Rep. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) were not impressed by these efforts to exonerate the former president. “Regardless of whether one considers the agreement with Iran on its nuclear program a good or a bad idea, I don’t see how letting a criminal gang of drug smugglers off the hook could have been crucial or necessary,” Jordan said. “If Iran was making that a condition for obtaining its agreement I think that would be a pretty big ‘red flag’ that they couldn’t be trusted. If it wasn’t a condition we have to ask ourselves what rason could the President have had for butting into what ought to have been a normal law enforcement activity?”

In related news, Rhodes tweeted “I look forward to the day when I can read a Post story on Trump’s indictment and then flip to the obits page to see that Ryan, McConnell, and Pence have checked out.”

New Developments Further Discredit Trump Dossier

In private testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe couldn’t remember anything about the dossier or where it came from. Neither could he recall ever having discussions with Strzok or Page on the topic of the election or Trump.

Christopher Steele, the former British spy who previously asserted that his dossier proved there was collusion, now says that “the limited intelligence I have only indicates that such collusion may have been possible. Obviously, given the communication technology available today it’s possible that everyone has the means to collude with anyone who has a phone or a computer. Since both Putin and Trump have access to both we can’t definitively say that they didn’t collude.”

Mary Jacoby, wife of Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson, bragged about her husband’s “creativity” and proudly claimed that “the whole Russia collusion story wouldn’t have ever existed if it were not for my husbands efforts.” The “efforts” seem to have mostly entailed rehashing a gossip piece that Simpson and Jacoby wrote for the Wall Street Journal ten years ago.

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) dismissed the possibility that the accusations of collusion between Trump and Russia could be undermined by these developments, saying “the seriousness of the charges is what ought to concern every American. Until someone proves there was no collusion we must proceed on the assumption that there was. Practically everyone I talk too is convinced that there is something suspicious about Trump’s election. Every poll showed him losing big time. The only logical explanation is some sort of dirty trick. I have no doubt that such a thing could have taken place. It’s too risky for us to allow a devious and dangerous man like Trump to ride roughshod over the rights of the American people on the flimsy pretext that he is innocent until proven guilty.”

UN Rebukes US for Embassy Move

First, the United Nations Security Council voted 14-1 to rebuke the United States for its decision to move the US Embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem. Later, the UN General Assembly voted 128-9 to condemn the US decision. Voting with the US were Guatemala, Honduras, Israel, Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau, and Togo. Major US allies like Britain, France, Germany and Japan voted against the US.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel explained that “seventy-five years ago Britain, France, Russia, and the United States ganged up on Germany. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Let’s see how Mr. Trump likes that.”

Palestinian Foreign Minister Riad Malki said the UN “passed an unprecedented test. History will remember those who stand by what is right. With the whole world aligned against the Zionist occupiers and their Satanic ally the day will soon come when a final solution to the Jewish problem can be accomplished.”

Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the UN, was undaunted by the the UN’s action. “Each nation chooses its own capital,” Haley declared. “There is no moral basis for denying Israel this prerogative. Neither is there one for denying the United States the prerogative to respond as we see fit. The unseemly alliance of the anti-Semitic states who would evict every Jew from Israel and the effete Europeans who would acquiesce in such an injustice will not overrule our own best judgment.”

For his part, President Trump welcomed “the unmasking of these ingrates. Not so long ago Europe was overrun by Nazi invaders. Then the United States did the right thing and came to their aid. Israel is surrounded and besieged by enemies. Now we are coming to their aid. If this displeases the UN—well, we can save a lot of money if we stop subsidizing them.”

Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif assailed Trump’s stance as “a demonstration of his contempt for democracy. The representatives of the vast majority of the people of the world freely voted to condemn the United States for its attempt to impede the elimination of Israel. For Trump to use financial extortion to try to influence us is tyrannical. He has no right to withhold the wealth that rightfully belongs to everyone for any reason, much less as an inducement for us to reject Allah’s command to rid the Earth of unbelievers, especially Jews.”

In related news, in Illinois, Cook County commissioner Richard Boykin has asked the UN to send peacekeeping troops to Chicago to help quell the gun violence that continues to set new records for fatalities. Pointing out that “most of the victims are blacks killed by other blacks,” Boykin maintains that “our mostly white police force doesn’t have the kind of ethnic understanding required. If we can get African troops to patrol our streets I think the outcomes will improve.”

Ethical Confusion at the University Level

Osaka University’s Kazue Muta alleges that the princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty were guilty of sexual assault. “Stories about kissing a comatose person without her permission promote sexual violence,” Muta said. “This is the wrong message for children to hear. These men had no right to force themselves on these women. A better lesson would be a story where these men respect the women’s right to be left alone.”

The University of California San Diego is weighing whether to impose disciplinary sanctions on Gregory Lu, a student who who put up posters of Kate Steinle (the young woman shot to death in 2015 by Jose Inez Garcia Zarate–an illegal immigrant) with the caption “she had dreams too.” Che Lopez, an investigator with the University’s Office for the Prevention of Harassment & Discrimination, called the poster “possibly a ‘hate crime.’ Let’s not forget that Mr. Garcia is a member of a legally protected racial minority.” At the same time, Lopez declined to even look for the students who tore down and ripped up the posters because “we can’t suppress freedom of speech.”

In related news, the University of California Los Angeles hosted a “Muslim American Workshop” where participants proposed policy suggestions that would help Muslim Americans. Among the suggestions were “banning anti-sharia laws” and “eliminating First Amendment protections against hate speech.” One participant explained that “Muslims won’t truly be free in this country until they can live under their own laws and prevent unbelievers from openly criticizing them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.



Exempting Anyone from Funding Abortions ‘Unconstitutional’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn an op ed for the left-wing Sacramento Bee, Crystal Strait, president of Planned Parenthood Affiliates of California, blasted the Trump Administration’s rollback of an Obama policy mandating that religious organizations must include abortion in the health insurance offered to employees, calling it “a violation of women’s constitutional rights to ‘life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.’”

“Few things are more stifling to freedom than the burdens of motherhood,” Strait wrote. “Preventing a woman from obtaining an abortion condemns her to a life of subservience to another person. This is tyranny. That President Trump would authorize a change in regulations that exempts groups like the Little Sisters of the Poor from paying for the abortions of pregnant women who work with them, illegally and immorally undermines the grant of freedom given by former President Obama.”

Strait argued that “couching the new rules as an expansion of the freedom of those with religious objections to opt out of financing what they view as ‘murder’ twists the plain meaning of freedom and allows religious prejudices to trample every woman’s right to have someone else pay for this necessary health benefit. Saying that women are free to purchase their own abortions or that others are free to donate funds to aid the poor to get abortions dodges the fundamental issue. Government has the obligation to mandate universal access to our basic rights—either by funding them with tax dollars or compelling employers to fund them.”

Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards suggested that “the kind of backsliding on this fundamental human right we have seen from the Trump Administration might have been averted if more women who have had abortions would do more bragging about them. On the surface, the procedure can seem scary. The fact that there are people who vocally condemn it can be daunting. Words of encouragement from women who have survived the procedure and gone on to fruitful and productive lives should persuade others who might otherwise hesitate to take the plunge.”

In related news, Pennsylvania Democratic Gov. Tom Wolf vowed to veto legislation that would ban dismemberment abortions of babies more than 20 weeks old. “The effort to put the rights of an unborn infant ahead of those of the mother who wants to terminate that infant’s life is vile and grotesque,” Wolf declared. “I want every voter in the state to know that I can be counted on to defend their right to escape from involuntary parenthood at any point prior to the birth of their child.”

Dems Confused by Rosenstein Actions

The emergence of evidence that several members on the staff of Special Investigator Robert Mueller engaged in partisan political activities aimed at thwarting Donald Trump’s election and concocting an “insurance policy” to cope with an undesired election outcome has Democrats fuming.

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Maryland), one of 58 representatives to vote in favor of impeaching Trump, attacked FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein, calling him “a turncoat. He may think that his responsibility for bringing down Donald Trump ended when he appointed Mueller to head the special investigation of Russian collusion and granted him an ethics waiver. But with the collusion narrative withering due to lack of evidence, the need for another narrative is essential. By letting the story line drift into one of partisan bias within the Mueller team, Rosenstein has failed to uphold his part in the movement to rid the nation of this enemy of progressive government.”

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) professed himself “befuddled by all the concern. Strzok, Page, and the others were not saying anything about Donald Trump that the majority of Americans weren’t also thinking. Remember, Hillary was the choice of the majority of those who voted. Trump only won because of a constitutional fluke substituting electoral votes for actual votes.”

Talking Points Memo publisher Josh Marshall assailed the leak of text messages between FBI personnel Peter Strzok and Lisa Page as “a massive invasion of privacy. Individuals in this country have a right to privately work on behalf of whatever political cause they favor without having to fear that their actions would be exposed by uninvited eavesdropping.”

Marshall rejected the idea that since the text messages were exchanged on government issued devices during times when the two FBI agents were supposed to be working they were fair game. “Rosenstein could have and should have suppressed this information for the good of the country,” Marshall contended. “Honesty and transparency must not be allowed to derail the progressive agenda.”

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-R.I.) advised that “I think it may be too early to give up on our guys in the FBI and Department of Justice. I think Rosenstein is 100% honorable and I think Mueller is a 100% professional. I say we give them a chance to redeem themselves. For all we know, Rosenstein’s apparent disloyalty may be a scheme to entrap Trump and his henchmen.”

Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress seem eager to further explore the covert actions by the FBI to aid the election of Hillary Clinton as president. Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson (R-WI) is raising questions about FBI Director James Comey’s July 2016 exoneration of Clinton for her gross negligence in handling classified emails. Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) has requested more information about the “insurance policy” discussed by Strzok, Page, and FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe. Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) wants senior Justice Department official Bruce Ohr and his wife Nellie Ohr, a Fusion GPS employee, to testify about their opposition research against the Trump campaign.

Turkey Supplying Weapons to Islamic Thugs in Germany

German intelligence wiretaps revealed Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and officials of his AKP Party have been transferring money to leaders of the “Osmanen Germania” (Ottoman Germany) biker gang. Ilkay Arin, German representative of the Union of European Turkish Democrats (UETD) –the lobbying arm of the AKP in Europe—defended the moves, calling them “a righteous implementation of the jihad the Quran instructs all Muslims to wage against the unbelievers.”

Metin Külünk, a close friend of Erdogan, insists that “given the rising levels of violence in Germany, it is essential that all Muslims be armed in order to defend themselves and to slay those who resist Allah’s call for Muslims to conquer the Earth. Of course, none of this would have been necessary if the Zionist conspiracy hadn’t stopped Germany from cleansing the world of Jews during World War II.”

Deidre Berger, director of the American Jewish Committee Berlin Office, confirmed that a scientific study of the opinions of the horde of Muslim refugees admitted to Germany under Merkel’s “open borders” policy revealed deeply embedded anti-Semitic attitudes. “They see Jews as the master manipulators of every evil inflicted on the world,” Berger reported. “Many are great fans of Hitler and justify the Holocaust because of this belief.”

In related news, the Bundestag voted 505-152 to raise their own pay. The raise was backed by Chancellor Angela Merkel’s Christian Democrats (CDU), the center-left Social Democrats (SPD), the pro-business liberal Free Democrats (FDP) and the Greens. The Alternative for Germany’s Stefan Keuter called the move “shameful. The government has failed the German people. The refugees that are flooding our country are destroying our culture and threatening everyone safety. They shouldn’t be getting raises.” Merkel disagreed saying that “Keuter’s contention that everyone’s safety is threatened refutes his argument. No one’s safety is more important to the Reich than that of the members of government. The raises will help us defend ourselves by enabling us to buy stronger locks, build better home security systems, and hire more bodyguards.”

Meanwhile, under the leadership of Germany and France, the European Union is suing Poland, Hungary and the Czech Republic for refusing to “bear their fair share of the invasion of Muslim refugees from the Middle East. The burdens cannot be the sole responsibility of those member nations that voluntarily admit these migrants. The fact that the citizens of Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic have rejected open borders is irrelevant. Equity necessitates that all must be compelled to participate.”

Sanders Defends Canadian Single-Payer Health Care System

Waiting Your Turn: Wait Times for Health Care in Canada, a research report published by the Fraser Institute, found “a median waiting time of 21.2 weeks between referral from a general practitioner and receipt of treatment.” This is the longest in the history of Fraser’s annual survey and 128% longer than the first survey in 1993. The wait to see a specialist for a consultation is now 177% longer than in 1993.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) averred that “long lines don’t bother me. Important members of society can jump these queues if need be. Making less important patients wait is a more socially optimal outcome than a system where each individual is free to purchase the type of insurance or treatment he deems warranted by his condition and resources.”

Sanders also says “there’s a silver lining in making people wait. In the vast majority of cases people get well without treatment. Making people wait is a relatively painless means of reducing the total cost of the nation’s medical bill. And let’s not overlook the fact that medical treatment itself is the third leading cause of death in the United States. Odds are that having to wait for care will probably save lives.”

Trump Refusal to Resign an “Impeachable Offense”

Liberal radio host Thom Hartmann called President Trump’s refusal to step down at the request of Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) “as blatant a demonstration of sexual harassment as I’ve ever seen. After the Senator politely demanded that Trump resign following a renewed series of allegations of sexual misconduct Trump callously blew her off. That’s horrifying and clearly am impeachable offense.”

Gillibrand wasn’t the only Democrat insisting that warmed over allegations ought to be enough to oust a sitting president. Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) also called on Trump to resign saying that “the sheer number of accusations represents a ‘critical mass’ that proves his guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.” Wyden’s colleagues Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore) and Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) concurred. “Trump is a proven liar,” Booker asserted. “He said he would build a wall. There’s no wall. He said he would repeal Obamacare. He didn’t. Against this overt proof of dishonesty, the possibility that some of his accusers may be motivated by animus or venality to lie dwindles in importance. Decency demands that he resign. If he won’t, impeachment is our last resort.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


House Hearing Reveals Pattern of Bias in FBI

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In FBI Director Christopher Wray’s testimony before a House committee earlier this week it became apparent that the FBI exhibited a pattern of inconsistent treatment and bias in the way the agency has handled investigations of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump over the last two years.

Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the revelations “very damaging to the reputation and credibility of the FBI. Even though there appears to be considerable evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton violated the law, the agency. under then Director James Comey, bent over backwards to excuse and cover up these crimes. Comey even went so far as to assert that no prosecutor would have gone forward with a case against Clinton. As a former prosecutor myself, I strongly disagree.”

“In contrast to the ‘free pass’ given to Clinton, Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation of supposed collusion between Donald Trump and Russia has resembled Inspector Javert’s relentless pursuit of Jean Valjean,” Gowdy said. “He has staffed his team with a bevy of Clinton partisans, including a few who appear to have aided in covering up her misdeeds. After more than six months on the case, there is still no evidence of a Trump/Russia collusion. Instead there is an indication that both the Clinton campaign and the FBI may be implicated in manufacturing the bogus GPS dossier and that this false document was used to secure a FISA warrant to spy on the Trump campaign.”

Willard Weezel, spokesman for Comey, attempted to clarify the former FBI Director’s stance, saying that “Director Comey wasn’t simply addressing the legal issues, but was also weighing the practical issues. On the one hand, if he had referred the matter to Attorney General Lynch it would have seriously damaged a major Party’s chances to win an upcoming election. Keeping the FBI out of politics was an important objective.”

“On the other hand, people engaging in actions that could have a negative impact on the Clintons seem to experience an unusually high frequency of untimely fatal accidents and suicides,” Weezel observed. “So, derailing a possible investigation of the former Secretary probably saved a few lives. Rather than condemning Director Comey for letting one guilty person get away, he deserves the nation’s thanks for helping save some lives.”

In related news, it turns out that Aaron Zebley, a member of Mueller’s investigative team, represented Justin Cooper, the man who enabled Hillary Clinton’s efforts to evade scrutiny of her communications by setting up an unsecure server in her Chappaqua home where she illegally transferred and stored classified government documents. Cooper also destroyed Clinton’s BlackBerries with a hammer to prevent them from being entered as evidence of her lawbreaking. Zebley’s efforts included stonewalling congressional attempts to interview Cooper.

Franken Persecuted by Democrats

Despite asserting “I’ve done nothing wrong” and expressing confidence that he would have been cleared of wrongdoing by a Senate Ethics Committee investigation, Sen Al Franken (D-Minn) announced that he would be resigning his seat “in the next few weeks.”

Franken, pressured by dozens of his fellow Democrats to “resign for the good of the Party,” complained about “the double standard in our society that lets Donald Trump get away with boasting about groping women, but hangs me because I actually took the initiative to interact with these women. As Trump said on the Access Hollywood tape ‘women let you get away with anything when you’re a celebrity.’ Well, I am a celebrity as a senator and was a celebrity as a TV star and comedian. Why can’t I get away with it?”

The Senator pointed out that “my interactions were inspired by my respect for women and their delectable bosoms and buttocks. What my accusers are claiming was unwanted touching were merely my expression of affection for their being willing to be in the same room with me. That some of the women I have touched would turn against me after all I’ve done to uphold their right to have abortions seems cold and ungrateful. But I will do my best to try to understand and adapt to the new social norms that are being forced on me.”

While contending that “Franken was railroaded for behavior that has traditionally been tolerated as a ‘perk’ of powerful men,” MSNBC’s Chris Matthews argued that “the sacrifice of a rising star in the Democratic Party on the basis of what were either unproven allegations or minor infractions shows that the worst anyone can say about Democrats is that they are too pure. Franken had a choice between resigning or switching to the GOP where molesting women is an accepted standard. That he chose the nobler option while Trump and Moore cling to their political aspirations is a clear distinction of which Party has the moral high ground.”

Matthews dismissed the more spectacular allegations against former President Clinton and Senator Kennedy as “moot points since neither currently holds public office. Besides, no woman ever demanded that they resign. At the very least, that is prima facie evidence that their interactions were all consensual.”

In related news, Rep. Ruben Kihuen (D-Nev) refuses to resign over sexual harassment accusations. He says he had House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s permission: “She knew all about this before I was elected in 2016. She even donated to my campaign. I’m not going to let her add my scalp to her trophy case.”

Kaepernick Awarded Ho Chi Minh Red Star

This week Colon Kaepernick, the original “kneeling football player,” was honored with the annual Ho Chi Minh Red Star award for his efforts against capitalist oppression. The gem-encrusted jewel was presented by 1972 award recipient Jane Fonda at the ACLU of Southern California’s annual Bill of Rights Dinner.

Fonda hailed “Kaepernick’s extraordinary courage in the face of the extreme dangers he endured while being forced to risk life and limb for the amusement of unjustly rich team owners and rabidly racist fans of the barbaric sport as a player and the enmity of those who disrespected his right to disrespect the United States National Anthem and flag. His defiance has inspired fellow players to join his protest and fellow antifascists to take to the streets. He is truly America’s top anti-capitalist of the year.”

Obama Claims Credit for Booming Economy

Rosy economic statistics showing a robust 3.3 percent annual growth in gross domestic product and an all time low in the unemployment rate for Hispanics prompted former President Barack Obama to assert that “the real credit for this good news belongs to me.”

“Trump wants everyone to believe that his relaxation of regulations and championing of tax cuts deserve the credit,” Obama said. “What he and everyone else is overlooking is that the stringent regulations and high taxes that prevailed for my eight year term built up the ‘coiled spring’ pressure that, when released by Trump’s moves, allowed the economy to rebound to rates of growth never achieved during the period of sacrifice I forced the nation to endure.”

“I wasn’t overlooking that,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted. “That’s why its so important that we stop the Republican tax cut bill. The loosening and stimulating effects of this bill would undermine the coiled spring effects that President Obama and Congress worked so hard to impose on our economy over the previous eight years.”

Pelosi was particularly wary of what she characterized as “the narcotic-like addiction of lower tax rates on the average American worker. If the GOP bill passes, a typical family would see an average tax cut of more than a thousand dollars a year for the next ten years. This would deter them from working overtime or taking second jobs. They’d put in fewer hours working to pay the taxes needed to pay benefits to the poor. It’s bad enough that the unilateral moves toward deregulation that President Trump has taken have increased the number of jobs available. Soon he will be expecting many of those on welfare to take some of these jobs. Their loss of leisure time would be catastrophic to their lifestyle. It would be like Armageddon for these Americans and the Democrats who champion their rights to sustenance and freedom from wage slavery.”

Massachusetts Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren echoed Pelosi’s opposition to the tax cut bill calling it “a vile and despicable scam that every right-thinking American must oppose,” even though she herself refuses to read the legislation because “I don’t want to pollute my mind with such trash.”

Trump Recognizes Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

After three previous presidents neglected to abide by legislation ordering the United States to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, President Trump obeyed the law by announcing that we will be moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

The move was denounced by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah who contends that “this humiliation of 1.5 billion Muslims is immoral and illegal. Allah has given all the world to the Muslims. Trump’s attempt to claim Jerusalem for Satan and his Jewish demons contradicts the eternal laws written in the Quran. Death and sorrow will be the payment extracted from the Jews and their allies.”

Nasrallah’s statement was followed by the vandalization of a Kosher restaurant in Amsterdam. Reinier van Dantzig, who heads the the left-leaning Democrats 66 Party’s faction on the Amsterdam City Council blamed “Trump’s kowtowing to Zionist extremists and ignoring the sensitivities of the Muslim minority that lives among us.” Herman Loonstein, who heads the Federative Jewish Netherlands group, condemned van Dantzig’s statement. “It is not the Jew who owns the restaurant, nor the government of Israel, nor the President of the United States that is responsible,” he said. “It is the man who smashed the windows. Placing the blame where it doesn’t belong was the cowardly and obscene tactic of the Nazis for their Kristallnacht atrocity. We must not emulate their example.”

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) also denounced Trump’s decision calling it “an invitation to violence. It’s not so much a question of what is right, but what is prudent. Twenty years ago, I was an idealistic young woman who voted for the law mandating the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital because it was the right thing to do. I now oppose this because it is the prudent thing to do. Over the last two decades Islam has become much more deadly in its assault against other faiths. Rather than inflame Muslims by challenging their right to rule the world, the safer course is to entangle them in unending negotiations—as has been the policy of our government under the three successive administrations prior to the current one.”

Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Sanders pointed out that “all of the violence carried out by Islamic extremists—the World Trade Center attack, the Orlando nightclub massacre, and the San Bernardino shootings, to name some prominent examples—has occurred during a period in which the United States has refused to recognize the capital chosen by the Israeli government. It doesn’t seem to me that the era of appeasement has been much of a factor in mitigating Islamic violence. Maybe it’s time to try a strong stand and do the right thing.”

In related news, Gerard Araud, the French ambassador to the U.S., took the occasion of December 7 to blame “the refusal of the United States to stop Hitler before his troops invaded France in 1940 led directly to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. If the Americans had come to our aid earlier Japan would not have dared to attack them.” The Ambassador failed to mention that in 1938 France and England assisted Hitler in dismembering Czechoslovakia in the infamous Munich Agreement.

Juror Explains Verdict in Murder Trial

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, Jose Ines Garcia Zarate, the man who shot and killed Kate Steinle in 2015, was acquitted of all homicide-related charges (murder, manslaughter, negligent homicide) by a San Francisco jury. The sole charge on which jurors could agree he was guilty was “illegal possession of a firearm.”

Speaking “off-the-record,” Juror X explained that “the fact that the defendant had previously been deported five times persuaded us that he was not really responsible for killing Ms. Steinle. On the one hand, several jurors blamed the government for inciting Mr. Garcia’s rage. Being repeatedly forced to sneak into the country at great effort drove him to live outside the law. Such a lifestyle entails risky behavior like carrying the weapon he carelessly fired into a crowd of shoppers and tourists at a waterfront pier. If our country’s borders were open Mr. Garcia would have been allowed to legally enter and would not have had to join the criminal underworld.”

“Other jurors blamed the lack of gun control,” Juror X continued. “If no one were allowed to have a gun it wouldn’t have been possible for Mr. Garcia to shoot anyone and Ms. Steinle would still be alive. It was felt that it would be unfair to lay all of the blame on Mr. Garcia when it is right-wing politicians who have blocked sensible gun confiscation. Logically, then, since in a sane society it would have to be illegal for anyone to have possession of a firearm, we were able to reach a consensus that convicting Mr Garcia of that charge would lead to the most just outcome that was within our power to bestow.”

“All of us agreed that Ms. Steinle’s death was a tragic accident,” Juror X added. “Mr. Garcia had no intent to kill her or anyone else. He was just blowing off steam. She, unfortunately, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She wasn’t murdered. As a woman she couldn’t have been man-slaughtered. And negligent homicide would be a failure to use the care that a normally careful person would. Well, Mr. Garcia is not a normal person. He is a former felon and cannot be held to the same standard that a law-abiding, noncriminal person should be held.”

San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee called the verdict “a clear vindication of our sanctuary policy. It sends a message to all those living in fear of being mistreated by federal immigration goons that they can come to our city and be protected by our laws and, as the decision by this enlightened and socially progressive jury has shown, by the citizens of San Francisco.”

Flynn to Testify Against Trump

U.S. District Judge Rudolph Contreras advised admitted liar Gen. Michael Flynn “to fully cooperate with special counsel Robert Mueller” and told him he can avoid substantial prison time “if and only if he provides substantial assistance in the prosecution of another person.” Flynn has pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about a conversation he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak during the post-election transition period following Donald Trump’s victory over presidential rival Hillary Clinton.

Insiders are reporting that Flynn has told Mueller that “Trump told me to contact the Russians and have them set up the ‘accidental’ tarmac meeting between Bill Clinton and Attorney-General Loretta Lynch at the Phoenix Airport in July 2016. Our thinking was that as a person with demonstrated poor impulse control, Clinton would be unable to pass up the opportunity to bribe or pressure Lynch into blocking any further investigations of his wife’s negligent handling of classified materials in her personal emails.”

“As it turned out, we were right,” Flynn is reported to have told Mueller. “A subsequent Russian hack of FBI emails revealed that Clinton and Lynch did discuss a deal to suppress the investigation. An added bonus from this hack was the discovery that the Obama Administration misused the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) communication intercept system to spy on the Trump campaign.”

ABC’s Brian Ross called Flynn’s reported testimony “the ‘smoking gun’ that will bring down the Trump Administration. The scheme was diabolical. By exploiting Clinton’s criminal vulnerability and natural desire to cover up any wrongdoing, the Trump campaign wove a web of such complexity that it completely thwarted the cover up and exposed the Obama Administration’s covert efforts to listen-in on Trump and his supporters using a ‘national security’ ruse. The publication of the hacked emails was an invasion of privacy that deprived Secretary Clinton, President Obama, Director James Comey, and perhaps others of their constitutional right against self-incrimination. That Trump’s actions were so far outside of the norms in our political system is a threat we should not tolerate. Thanks to the diligence of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the day when things get back to normal is now a little bit closer.”

Soros Says Hungary Undoing Gains of Communism

Billionaire financier and funder of Antifa leftist goons, George Soros complains that current Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban “is undoing all the progress made during the 40 years the country was ruled by Communists. After World War II, Stalin’s troops ensured that the people of Hungary would enjoy the full benefits of a progressive political and social system. Orban is throwing all that away.”

Particularly irritating to Soros is what he calls “Orban’s perverted use of border fences and guards. He has turned the previous progressive policy on its head by using these traditional barriers to keep migrants out instead of keeping citizens in as had been the practice under Communism. There are millions of Muslims who want to come to Hungary and claim the land for Allah. Orban’s racist policy of preventing their migration to Hungary violates their religious freedom. This kind of thing never would have happened if a progressive government were still in charge.”

In related news, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan rejected the concept of “moderate Islam” and predicted that “Muslims will soon overwhelm the weak unbelievers who occupy lands that rightfully belong to Islam.” Erdoğan declared Islam “superior to Judaism and Christianity” and insisted that “tolerance is unacceptable. Muslims will convert or slay these kafirs until all the world is for Allah.”

Meanwhile, in Islamic chat rooms on the Internet the idea of purposely targeting children for death is going viral. Sentiments such as “I wish that I could travel to Europe or America or Australia and burn their children with oil” and “I would choose a kindergarten and a maternity hospital to slaughter them” garner far more “likes” than “dislikes” in the comments sections. Nonetheless, UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May maintains that “President Trump’s fear of Islamic violence is a greater threat to our way of life than ISIS.”

NBC Sexual Predator Seeks $30 million Payoff”

Former “Today Show” star Matt Lauer is threatening to sue NBC for the $30 million balance owed for the one-and-a-half years remaining on his contract with the network. Lauer was summarily fired earlier in the week following a raft of accusations that he sexually assaulted several women in his office.

Lauer’s lawyer, Marvin Tushman maintains that “the firing is a breach of contract. Nothing that my client did was outside the bounds of normal behavior at the network. He wasn’t the only one groping and boffing women at 30 Rock. For the NBC brass to make an issue of it after all these years and to single out Matt while letting others skate is manifestly unfair.”

Tushman argued that “since this kind of behavior from the talent was tolerated over such a long period it created a sort of ‘easement right’ that Matt thought was a perk of the job. The fact that he was allowed to install a special door locking device to prevent his female visitors from escaping implies that management was okay with what he was doing. That none of these women publicly complained until recently was quite naturally interpreted by Matt as implied consent. And why not? He’s a handsome and powerful man. Why wouldn’t he think his attentions were wanted?”

A prospective lawsuit isn’t Lauer’s only option for blunting the financial impacts of his unemployment. He is rumored to be pitching a “tell all” book deal with several publishers. “I’m thinking that ‘Lauer’s Ladies’ might be a good title for both a book and a movie,” the former “Today Show” host mused.

In related news, Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera sort of apologized to Bette Midler after she posted a video from 1991 in which she accused him of drugging and groping her in the 1970s. “We newsmen work in a flirty business,” he asserted. “I like to think of myself as more of a caresser or fondler than a groper. As I recall, Bette was unconscious at the time. So her characterization of me as a ‘groper’ seems harsh and unfair, but I’m a big enough man to take responsibility and I apologize if she feels that I violated her.”

Councilwoman Wants to Outlaw Bullet-Proof Glass

Philadelphia City Councilwoman Cindy Bass is pushing an ordinance that would bar retailers from having bullet-proof glass block customers’ access to store employees. The glass is common in convenience markets that serve high-crime sectors of the city.
“Bullet-proof glass is an insult to minorities,” Bass contends. “Lots of businesses in these same neighborhoods—barber shops and bars, for example—don’t have these barriers. That’s the neighborly way to run a business. If these convenience markets aren’t going to be neighborly voluntarily we need to have a law that forces them.”

Rich Kim, whose family has owned a deli in the city for the last 20 years sees the bullet-proof glass as “a common sense safety measure. It protects employees and discourages robbers. Outlawing it will lead to more crime and more dead bodies.”

Bass characterized Kim’s objections as “racist. He wouldn’t be saying these things if all of his customers were Asians. He only wants the barriers to keep black men from obtaining the money they need to feed their families.” As an alternative she recommended that “Kim and others like him should buy more insurance to cover the losses from theft. If they’re not willing to do that they should get out of the business.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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