Senator Says Cowardice of Armed School Officer Disproves “Good Guy with a Gun” Theory

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe revelation that the site of the most recent school massacre had an armed police officer assigned to the school “disproves the conservative contention that ‘hardening the target’ is the way to go if we want to stop these kinds of gun tragedies,” says Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn).

The Senator was referring to the fact that an officer from the Broward County Sheriff’s office was permanently assigned to the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida where expelled student Nikolas Cruz killed 17 students and faculty members last week. The assigned officer, Deputy Scot Peterson, declined to engage the shooter and opted to remain outside while the massacre was unfolding.

The deputy understandably chose to wait in a safe place for back-up to arrive rather than risk his life in what might have been a futile attempt to stop the shooter,” Blumenthal observed. “I think this shows the flaw in President Trump’s suggestion that qualified and trained faculty members should carry concealed weapons to deter armed intruders. A better plan would be to eliminate guns from our society. If no one had guns, no one could be shot. I think that’s the way to go if we really want to end these senseless crimes.”

Elie Mystal, editor of the “Above the Law” legal blog, backed Blumenthal’s argument, saying that “arming teachers would have a disproportionate racial impact. More black students will end up being murdered by their teachers. Statistics already show that minority students are punished at rates far exceeding their proportion of the school population. Arming teachers will just ratchet up the penalties from detention to death.” On the other hand, if Assistant Football Coach Aaron Feis had been armed he would have had an alternative to using his body to try to shield students from Cruz’s bullets.

Cruz’s deadly assault didn’t come out of the blue. There were plenty of warning signs that were ignored by the FBI, the Broward County Sheriff, and school officials who made a deal with law enforcement to go easy on student criminals so the school could qualify for more federal aid. “This widespread dereliction of duty shows why a law enforcement approach just won’t work,” Blumenthal argued. “Other countries that have disarmed the civilian population don’t have these kind of problems. We don’t see massacres like this in China or Russia. America needs to get past its obsession with our Second Amendment right to bear arms as a so-called bulwark against the theoretical oppression of a tyrannical government. Worse things can happen, as the Parkland incident has so clearly shown.”

Ironically, right now, a crew of several Palm Beach County, Florida, police officers are guarding Peterson’s home around the clock. This gives him more protection than law enforcement gave to the thousands of students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

As horrific as mass shootings in the United States have been, the toll in victims has been far short of the millions that have died at the hands of governments, like China and Russia, that have disarmed their populations. And on a per capita basis, the United States has fewer mass shoot victims than many European countries that have stricter gun control laws than we do—including Norway, France, Switzerland, Finland, Belgium and the Czech Republic.

In related news, despite unrelenting media and political propaganda aimed at demonizing guns, a recent poll conducted jointly by ABC and theWashington Post caused consternation by revealing that 57% of respondents felt that more stringent measures to deal with mental illness would be the more effective way of reducing mass shootings (President Trump’s suggestion) than the 28% who felt that stronger gun-control laws are the way to go (Democratic Party’s position). MSNBC host Katy Tur called the poll results “disappointing considering all the effort we’ve been putting into trying to shape the narrative on this issue.”

Chicago ID Card Will Allow Illegals to Vote

In a bid to “harness the political potential of adding hundreds of thousands of new Democratic voters,” the City of Chicago has authorized government-issued photo ID cards for all residents, including “undocumented persons” in the country illegally.

State Board of Elections spokesman Matt Dietrich said “the determination of who will be allowed to vote will be in the hands of local election authorities. There is no state law requiring proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. All you have to do is check a box on the voter registration form that says ‘yes, I am a citizen.’”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called the card “an ingenious counter to the Trump Administration’s efforts to deny voting rights to immigrants, the homeless and those recently released from prison. There are 109 different local election authorities in Illinois. There’s no way his federal goons can keep track of what all of these dispersed centers of election registrations are doing. Between this ID card and our sanctuary city policy I’m hopeful that we will make it impossible for any Republican to win any elective office in the state.”

Abbas Threatens Terror Attacks if US Cuts Aid

President Trump’s decision to reduce US aid to Palestine has so angered Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas that he has vowed “to send wave after wave of terrorists to bomb, shoot, stab, or run over Americans wherever we can find them—even in the United States. You think things have been bad with the occasional attack on the Jews occupying our land, well they are about to get a whole lot worse. President Obama gave us money with the understanding that we would confine our attacks to the Jews. Trump breaks this deal at his own risk.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) agreed with Abbas and labeled Trump’s cut in aid to the PLO “a rash move. President Obama’s payments to the PLO were an important plank in his policy of transformation for America and the world. You can’t just remove that plank and not expect there to be consequences.”

In a later, off-the-record conversation with Democratic colleagues, Pelosi expressed regret for “not thinking of a similar ploy to deter the recent GOP tax cuts that have severely hurt California taxpayers. The cap in the deductibility for state and local taxes in the GOP legislation has hurt upper income Californians who are our Party’s biggest donors. If we could’ve thought of a way to unleash MS-13 gang members on the rest of the country we might have swayed enough GOP moderates to kill the Trump bill.”

In related news, Pelosi suggested that a more cost-effective method for discouraging illegal border crossings into the United States “would be to mow the grass. Without the concealment provided by tall grass those trying to sneak into America would be easily seen. The embarrassment alone would, in my opinion, be a significant deterrent. I mean, who wants to be seen while committing a crime? I think it would be cheaper and more effective. With Trump’s wall idea, border crossers could use the wall to hide and climb over it after border guards left the area.”

Islam’s Priorities Clarified

In a lecture on religious doctrine, prominent Australian Muslim preacher Mohamed Hoblos told a gathering of the faithful that “a person who murders someone or rapes a child, but prays daily as prescribed in the Quran is better in the eyes of Allah than the one who doesn’t commit any of these sins, but doesn’t pray, Any person who misses one prayer without a good excuse is worse than a murderer, worse than a rapist in the eyes of Allah.”

Hoblos explained that “Allah does not want the faithful to sin. Not murdering or raping people is to be preferred, but it is better to sin and pray than it is to not sin and not pray. Daily acknowledgment of the greatness of God is more important to your salvation than good behavior toward others, even if they are fellow Muslims. Of course, the best way to achieve salvation while still sating your desire to hurt people is to select your victims from among those who are unbelievers. That way you can fulfill your obligation to wage jihad against the unbelievers and earn your reward in paradise.”

Meanwhile, Muslims in India are enraged by Pampers Baby Dry Pants. The disposable underwear has a cartoon drawing of the face of a kitten on it that local Islamic loons imagine spells out the name: Mohammed. Thus far, a few of the pull-up underpants have been publicly burned in protest. Fanatics are calling for a boycott of the product, demanding a change in design and an apology for “this act of sheer desecration” and warning of dire consequences if their demands are not met with appropriate alacrity.

Venezuelans Lead World in Weight Loss

Last year the inhabitants of Venezuela led the world in weight loss with an average decline in weight of 24 lbs. per person. President Nicolas Maduro lamented that “the outcome would’ve been even better if more of the largest losers had been able to survive. Still, we are showing the gringos how to fight climate change.”

Former US President Barack Obama hailed the country’s mass starvation method of weight loss as “a remarkable shrinkage of Venezuela’s carbon footprint. The sacrifices made by their people to reduce global warming have been truly heroic. One of my biggest regrets is that I was unable to lead the United States to make a similar effort. Our prosperity feeds our gluttony at the expense of the planet’s environment. More than 70% of Americans are obese. It’s a sad contrast to the nobility shown by Venezuela’s amazingly lean people and its government’s bold leadership.”

While many might consider the price the people of that country have paid for this environmental achievement—hunger, poverty, and death—excessive, Maduro boasts that “socialism has cured a problem that capitalistic societies have created. Rather than rape the land with our plows to grow food to make us fat, our people have eaten garbage the bloated Yankee pigs would consider spoiled, rotten, or stale and thrown away. This is why, like cockroaches, progressive societies will prevail when the veneer of civilization is torn down and cast aside.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FBI Whiffs on School Shooting

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Nikolas Cruz killed 17 and wounded another 13 in an assault on the students and faculty of Marjory Stoneman High School in Parkland, Florida. By law, the school is a designated “gun free zone.” This ensured that Cruz would be able to fire at will until off-site police arrived, which they did within five minutes of being called. By that time the 19-year-old Cruz had ditched his weapon and blended in with the fleeing students.

Cruz’s heinous plan was months in the making. Back on September 5, 2017 Cruz posted a YouTube boast “I’m going to be a professional school shooter.” The FBI was alerted to this threat by Ben Bennight, but professed themselves unable to identify the poster despite the fact that he used his real name.

Meanwhile, Parkland police acknowledged that officers had made 39 visits to Cruz’s residence over the last several years responding to 9-1-1 calls complaining of a “mentally ill person.” Marjory Stoneman High School authorities had also previously expelled Cruz for violent behavior and threats. Nevertheless, Cruz was able to pass an FBI background check and purchase the AR-15 rifle he used in his killing spree.

On January 5 of this year, a person close to Cruz alerted the FBI and provided information about his gun ownership, desire to kill people, erratic behavior, disturbing social media posts, and potential to carry out a school shooting. The FBI failed to follow up on this tip.

Fresh from his testimony to congress in which he hailed the FBI as “the finest group of professionals and public servants I could hope to work with,” Director Christopher Wray admitted that “I am at a loss to explain this breakdown in the Agency’s protocols. It is our responsibility to act quickly and properly when members of the public call our tip line with information regarding a threat of personal harm.” Wray promised to “work tirelessly to get to the bottom of this mystifying dereliction of duty.”

A possible explanation was offered by FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein’s announcement that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had just indicted 13 Russians for meddling in the 2016 election. The meddling is reported to have included using false names while making FaceBook posts denigrating the candidacy of Hillary Clinton and the staging of simultaneous pro and anti Trump post-election rallies.

“While we certainly understand and sympathize with parents whose children were allegedly murdered by Mr. Cruz, the FBI doesn’t have unlimited resources.,” Rosenstein said. “We have to prioritize and deploy our manpower to deal with what the Agency determines is the greater threat. For more than a year we have been investigating Russian interference in our elections. That more than a dozen Russian-backed Internet trolls dared to make snide comments about a presidential candidate was, in our estimate a more dire peril than the possibility that a deranged lunatic might massacre a few dozen relatively unimportant teenagers.”

Whether the indictment of these Russians will accomplish anything seems dubious. The individuals are currently outside the US jurisdiction and are unlikely to be surrendered to US authorities to be prosecuted for posts that would appear to be covered by the Constitution’s First Amendment guarantee of freedom of speech. Besides, the normal punishment for obnoxious behavior by a foreigner is to expel him from the country.

However, Rosenstein insists that “it’s the principle that matters. The Russian government’s refusal to allow us to extradite these men will be an indelible and embarrassing stain on their reputation. Even if they do permit extradition, the ultimate formal expulsion of these men will shame them before the whole world.”

“The bigger issue is how we will prevent this type of foreign interference in the future,” Rosenstein contended. “We have already been working informally with FaceBook, Google, and Twitter to try to get them to screen out unwarranted political content. While this is an encouraging beginning, I think we need to move toward some sort of government procedure that could review all political comments before they are posted to the web. That way we could head off destructive and antisocial remarks before they can damage our democratic processes.”

In related news, Attorney General Jeff Sessions absolved himself of any culpability for the FBI’s failure to avert the Florida shooting, asking people to “remember that I’ve recused myself from anything involving law enforcement” and sought to reassure Americans by saying that “I’ve asked Deputy Rosenstein to handle any further actions related to the FBI’s neglect to follow protocols of its various and sundry responsibilities, whatever those might be.”

Oprah Says She Won’t Run for President

Daytime TV personality Oprah Winfrey’s assertion that she will not run for president in 2020 “because if God actually wanted me to run, wouldn’t God kinda tell me? And I haven’t heard that. I had a lot of wealthy men calling, telling me that they would run my campaign and raise $1 billion for me, but it’s just not in my spirit.”

Joy Behar, a panelist on ABC’s The View talk show, called Oprah’s remarks “insane. It’s the kind of thing we’d expect to come out of Vice-President Pence’s mouth. What can she be thinking putting the imaginary words of some spook in the sky ahead of a billion dollar campaign war chest? I mean, if she were the president she could give everyone a brand new car. To my mind, that would be a winning issue and a great economic program. To take herself out of the running like she has is just plain nuts.”

In Congress, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) charged God with racism. “Why is God telling the greatest black woman in America not to run for president? He let a white woman run.” Waters vowed to introduce legislation to remove the phrase “in God we trust” from US currency. “How can any right-thinking American trust God after the horrible message he gave Oprah?”

Court Says Muslim Travel Ban Unconstitutional

This week the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals voted 9-4 to overturn President Trump’s anti-terrorist travel ban from eight countries on the grounds that “it violates the First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom. The President’s assumption that the Muslim call for jihad from its adherents empowers him to block the immigration of practitioners of this religion into this country is mistaken. The protection of the First Amendment is absolute. It allows no exception for religious practices that entail violence. To single out one religion merely because it commands the coercion or murder of unbelievers is, therefore, unconstitutional.”

Chief Judge Roger Gregory admitted that “the potential dangers of an attack from within by persons motivated by pure religious tenets was unforeseen by the Framers. Ironically, the Constitution explicitly bars the government from taking actions against the free exercise of any religion in this country. Thus far, the defenders of Islam have focused only on the admission of Muslims from abroad. It could be argued, though, that since jihad is a genuine component of their religion, the government is even barred from taking any measures to interfere with the efforts of any Muslims within US borders to convert or eliminate those who resist its entreaties to surrender to Allah.”

“It could also be argued that since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalized the Satanic rite of human sacrifice it would be discriminatory to deny the roughly equivalent Islamic rite to slay infidels,” Gregory added. “After all, what’s good for the goose ought to be good for the gander.”

Judge Paul Niemeyer, one of the four dissenting votes, called the majority’s decision “a serious mistake in both law and common sense. In essence, what they are saying is that if a man wants to kill someone for religious reasons the US government is constitutionally barred from intervening to prevent it. There is no way the Framers intended this result when they wrote the First Amendment. Freedom of religion does not entail allowing one person to harm another no matter what a religion’s particular dogma or rituals might prescribe. Fortunately, the Second Amendment still allows the would-be victim of the religious zealot to defend himself.”

In related news, Swedish police officer Peter Springare is in deep trouble for objecting to “the cultural phenomenon of gang rapes carried out by Muslim immigrants.” Secretary General of Sweden’s Law Society Anne Ramberg characterized Springare’s remarks as “almost racist” and “not up to the standards we expect of our civil servants. As I understand it, these behaviors by Muslim men are considered justified in their religion if women appear in public unaccompanied by a male relative. For us to object is cruel and insensitive.”

Dems & Pubs Battle Over Food Stamps

In a proposal dubbed “America’s Harvest Box,” President Trump’s new budget calls for replacing half of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) vouchers with actual food for 80% of the program’s recipients. The “box” would contain allotments of shelf-stable milk, ready to eat cereals, pasta, peanut butter, beans and canned fruit and vegetables.

Democrats were quick to attack the plan. Michigan Sen Debbie Stabenow, the ranking Democrat on the agriculture committee, labeled it “not a serious proposal.” Rep Jim McGovern (D-Mass) called it “a cruel joke. It unfairly limits the choices of those dependent on the government for their living. We’ve been moving toward expanding the options for those in the program. The vouchers can and often are exchanged for cash that could be used to buy cigarettes or beer. The distribution of food would make these types of exchanges more difficult. It would be a step backward. Why should government dependents have fewer choices than the rest of society?”

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue defended the plan as a “cost saving measure. The vouchers must pay for food at retail prices. We can buy the food at bulk rates and get more bang for the taxpayers’ money.”

Chairman of the House Agriculture Committee Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Texas) was cool to the idea. “I’m drafting a bill that will save billions in the SNAP program by tightening eligibility and requiring able-bodied recipients to work. Statistics show that fewer than half of the able-bodied in the program have jobs. This unforced dependency is both an unnecessary burden on taxpayers and ensnares millions in a perpetual cycle of idleness and dependency.”

McGovern also denounced Conaway’s idea that recipients ought to have to work if they are able. “It’s petty for a country as rich as America to force people to work if they want to eat,” he argued. “We abolished slavery more than 150 years ago. I find it reprehensible that Republicans are trying to sneak it back in as a budget economy measure.”

In related news, former New York City police officer Jose Vega is suing the Police Department for making him obese. Vega is currently living on a $4,000 per month disability pension. “My goal was to become a first-grade detective and homicide detective,’’ he said. “But they made me walk a beat where many of the vendors and restaurants expressed their support of law enforcement by giving me free food. I ballooned from 180 to 395 lbs. and couldn’t work anymore.” Vega is demanding that he be “taken back on the force part time for $6,200 a month. I could be kind of a ‘Nero Wolfe’ and solve crimes without ever having to leave my apartment.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.



ESPN’s ‘WokeCenter’ On the Ropes? Industry Expert Not Sure if Biased Program Can be Saved

By Jay Maxson | Newsbusters |February 8, 2018

What to do with the mess that is ESPN SportsCenter, or “WokeCenter” as Clay Travis calls it? That became a $64,000 question today as several people weighed in on the program-in-crisis on the Worldwide Leader in (Liberal) Sports.

Travis, of the Outkick The Coverage blog and a frequent critic of ESPN, said the SportsCenter 6 experiment of the past year has been a huge failure. Michael Smith (in photograph), the surviving member of SC6 since the departure of Trump-hater Jemele Hill, is spewing bitter words about the state of the show. Former SC host Steve Levy says it’s now unrecognizable from what it used to be, and ESPN Public Editor Jim Brady says there’s still juice left in Sports Center, though an industry expert says he’s not so sure of that.

Travis’s lead story today centers on Smith confirming that Hill did not leave SC6 of her own accord when she recently transitioned over to ESPN’s black culture blog, The Undefeated. Last year, ESPN gave the liberal duo millions of dollars to re-shape SportsCenter into a let’s-not-stick-to-sports package. It fell flat, and no one was watching. To make matters worse, last fall Hill drew a strong White House rebuke for calling President Trump and his supporters “white supremacists.” Later she got suspended for another rant on social media. Since she became toxic and the show was doing a Tom Petty free-falling rendition, why didn’t ESPN just dump her?

Travis said ESPN was afraid of Al Sharpton types playing the race card, so it allowed her to explore other career options in hopes of shedding her hefty salary. Not even MSNBC and or CNN would take her, so ESPN elected to drive Hill off the show by, as Travis describes it, “stripping all WokeCenter out of the broadcast. Eventually they stifled the show enough that Jemele Hill asked off, leaving Michael Smith alone by himself. (The hope is that eventually Smith will ask off as well.)”

Smith has a volatile temper and he came unglued, indicating Hill didn’t leave on her own and complaining that they weren’t allowed to continue doing commentary:

“There was a time we weren’t even talking to each other (on the show) anymore. Like no more Michael and Jemele, not less, not here and there. No more Michael and Jemele talking. No more of their commentary. It’s just strictly live shots and analysts. That’s what pissed me off so much. I was like, wait a second, you all acknowledge that one of the strengths we have going for us as a show is Michael and Jemele’s chemistry, but Michael and Jemele don’t f——- talk to each other? How does that make sense?

“Instead of saying ‘no, this is the vision for this show, this is what we’re doing. This show is about Michael and Jemele and their opinions and their chemistry, and they’re going to do ‘SportsCenter’ their way.’ Instead of sticking to that vision, we immediately tried to merge two things. It was very frustrating …They got what they wanted, which was Michael and Jemele being muted. And that frustrated the s— out of us.”


Travis says viewers are the winner in all of this because ESPN finally looked at the ratings and realized the public wanted SportsCenter, not WokeCenter.

ESPN’s Brady said SportsCenter has been “the sun in ESPN’s solar system” ever since day one in 1979. “SportsCenter is facing challenges and facing a future that seems less certain than ever.” Foolishly trying to fix what isn’t broken, the ESPN “sun” began to experience a nova when it changed the focus from reporting to personalities like Hill and Smith. Brady and ESPN contend that Hill left on her own because “recent changes to SportsCenter made it less of a fit for her.” Hill’s talent and passion “remain a big net plus for ESPN,” said Brady.

Brady indicated ESPN is too stubborn, though, to pull back from a personality-driven SC focus. He said turning back to pure highlights is not an option, but ESPN is still “wrestling with a lot as it charts SportsCenter’s future course.” Without an obvious road to success.

Steve Levy, the longest-serving anchor of SC, said it all: “The show could not have changed any more. It’s almost unrecognizable from the show I started on in 1993.” “I’m not sure it’s really fixable,” BTIG cable analyst Rich Greenfield told Yahoo Finance. “People don’t watch sports news on TV when highlights are on your phone 24/7, and when the NFL has highlights on Twitter and Snapchat. People don’t need SportsCenter like they used to.”

Brady still refuses to count SportsCenter out. “There’s still a lot of juice left in the brand,” he writes. Well, there’s a thing called invisible ink and maybe there’s “invisible juice,” too. WokeCenter may have put too many viewers to sleep to ever prosper again.

Dem Explains Why FBI Abuses Not Worse than Watergate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWith evidence piling up that the FBI abused the FISA court process to spy on the Trump campaign, comparison to the 1972 Nixon campaign’s effort to spy on his Democratic opponent’s campaign have been suggested. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has labeled the comparison as “absurd.”

“Look, the Watergate operation was conducted by burglars,” Schiff pointed out. “Those guys had no prior authorization to spy on Sen. McGovern’s campaign. The FBI had the FISA court’s permission to spy on the Trump campaign. For Republicans to try to compare the two events is totally unwarranted.”

Schiff similarly disposed of allegations that the FBI lied to the FISA court, saying that “federal law enforcement personnel have the right and the obligation to lie if that is what is deemed necessary to protect national security or to apprehend criminal suspects. As the unredacted FBI texts and emails reveal, agents working for the FBI honestly believed that the election of Donald Trump posed a dire threat to US national security. Consequently, the agency’s actions aimed at thwarting that outcome cannot be used as evidence against them even if they lied to the court and violated the civil rights of any individual.”

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis), chairman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, called Schiff’s rationale “disturbing. Its acceptance of the idea that federal police can use deception to obtain court permission to spy on Americans involved in a political campaign acquiesces in the same type of abuse we saw in the Watergate case, but on a much broader scale. For Mr. Schiff to try to excuse it because it was carried out under cover of law essentially endorses official interference in the democratic process of voting. It subverts government of the people and replaces it with the kind of police-state tactics that characterized Communist rule under the former Soviet Union.”

In related news, Schiff defended his attempt to obtain naked photos of Trump offered to him by two Russian comedians posing as a high-ranking officials in the Ukrainian government, calling his actions “the epitome of patriotism. Given the obvious shortcomings of Trump’s abilities to perform his duties as president it was my sacred duty to obtain whatever information I could to try to oust him from office. Vain as he is, I thought the threat of having his less than prodigious endowment in the genital area exposed might persuade him to resign. I mean, I doubt Trump could measure up to Weiner’s wiener. And it didn’t bother me one bit that the photos would’ve been obtained by the invasion of his privacy. In war all is fair.”

Bush Convinced Russians Tried to Rig Election for Trump

Despite the emergence of a pattern of improper actions by the FBI, the Obama Administration, and the Hillary Clinton campaign to spy on and smear Donald Trump, former President George W. Bush offered his opinion that “there is clear evidence of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election to aid Trump.”

“For eight years I was the Decider-in-Chief of the United States of America,” Bush boasted. “I have insights that few other human beings have when it comes to serious matters like statecraft, governance and strategery. I can easily pierce the veil of facts and get to the underlying true reality.”

“For me, the most important clue was revealed in the debates,” Bush continued. “While few may have noticed, Trump announced that he would like to have better relations with Russia. In contrast Hillary said she would authorize our Air Force to shoot down Russian jets in Syria. Now ask yourself, who do you think Russia would rather have as the American president: a guy who wants better relations or a woman who’s ready to kill their guys? Once you look at everything from this perspective it should be obvious that the only person the Russians would have wanted to help was Trump.”

“Take the Uranium One scandal for example,” Bush said. “By exploiting the Clintons’ well-known greed, the Russians were able to tar Hillary with a clumsily concealed bribery scheme that would’ve destroyed her candidacy were it not for the heroic efforts of the media to bury this story under mounds of anti-Trump rhetoric.”

“Unfortunately, the Russians are wily adversaries,” Bush observed. “So they concocted a backup plan to dupe Hillary into buying a contrived dossier of dirt on Trump that diverted her from campaigning on her winning issues of higher taxes, bigger spending, more regulation and open borders. So confident was she of winning by attacking his character with this dossier and the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape that she cut back her campaign appearances to rest up for her inauguration. As we all saw to our great consternation, the Russian scheme worked like a charm and Trump eked out a victory in the Electoral College even though he lost the popular vote.”

“Despite Russian success in overturning the election of the most qualified nominee of either Party in this nation’s long history, I remain optimistic that all is not lost,” the former President said. “Hopefully, patriots like Comey and Mueller will yet find a way to oust Trump and place a more qualified person on the throne. I think a good compromise candidate to install as president would be my brother Jeb. He’s got the breeding and the experience needed to govern this great country.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton now claims she was only following Peter Strzok’s advice when she used Bleachbit to erase her subpoenaed emails. “Considering the vast expertise of the FBI and my own relative ignorance about computer security who can blame me for trusting their judgment?” she asked. “It also made sense since murder suspects on Law and Order are always using bleach to destroy evidence. At the very least, I think I should have immunity for merely following a suggestion given by an officer in the nation’s premier law-enforcement agency.”

California Dreaming

The formerly bankrupt City of Stockton, California is planning to implement a basic universal income scheme that would pay out $6,000 per year to select low-income households. The scheme is the brainchild of Mayor Michael Tubbs who hopes “to demonstrate that providing people with money they may spend in anyway they choose will inspire imitation across the land. The first phase of the plan is to choose 100 families that will receive $500 per month for 18 months and see what happens.”

Renowned economist Thomas Sowell criticized Tubbs’ idea contending that “if you give people something for nothing it will tend to make them more complacent in their poverty rather than inspiring them to better themselves, as the Mayor naively hopes. His ‘experiment’ has been carried out on a much larger scale by socialist redistribution schemes in other countries and in America’s lengthy ‘war on poverty’ that has ensnared generations of poor people in a never ending cycle of dependency over the last 50 plus years.”

Tubbs dismissed this criticism as “an outdated racist way of thinking. Those other programs were all designed and operated by white men and imposed on black folks. My plan is conceived by a black man and will be administered by those this black man chooses to run it. This will give us a pure test of the concept free from the racist bias that has ruined all previous experiments.”

Urinating Illegal Stabs Man

In Maryland, Salvador Gomez-Lopez, a native of El Salvador in the United States illegally will go on trial for stabbing a man waiting at a bus stop. The attack sprang from the victim’s objection to Gomez urinating in front of fellow bus passengers. Arresting police described Gomez as “drunk and belligerent.”

In the US House of Representatives, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) gave an eight hour speech blaming Trump’s “anti-immigrant policies for this tragedy. The hostility of the President toward immigrants seeking a better life in America is the primary cause for this incident. If Mr. Gomez didn’t have to live in the shadows for fear of deportation he wouldn’t have to urinate in public. Nor would he have to bear the gibes of some wealthy white man demanding that he find a toilet to do his business. His impulse to stab the man tormenting him was a foreseeable outcome of Trump’s refusal to grant amnesty to the 30 million undocumented Americans that have entered this country without his permission.”

“Poor Nancy is losing her grip on reality,” Trump said in a one-minute reply. “Mr. Gomez is precisely the kind of immigrant we don’t need coming into our country. He has no respect for decency. Public restrooms are plentiful in America. He has no respect for human life. Stabbing a person for trying to uphold decency is not justified. The Democrats’ efforts to make America safe for the likes of Mr. Gomez endangers the lives of law-abiding citizens everywhere. He is a sterling example of why we need tighter border enforcement.”

Meanwhile, in another distribution of “crumbs” stemming from the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, General Motors announced that 50,000 factory workers will each receive a profit-sharing check in the amount of $11,750. Pelosi still insists that “this money frittered away on relatively wealthy auto workers could have been better spent by the government providing the kind of aid that immigrants like Mr. Gomez so desperately need.”

In related news, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews argued that “Republican attacks on House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi are ethnic politics. Rep. Pelosi may herself be a rich white woman, but she is also a champion of ethnic minorities, so much so that her little grandson says he wishes he had brown skin so his Grammy would love him more. So, when we think about it in these terms, we can’t escape the conclusion that Republicans are basically covert racists when they argue against her policy positions.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Opinions Split on Memo Exposing FBI Abuses

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe release of the House Intelligence Committee memo summarizing FBI abuses of its surveillance authority sparked differing reactions across the political spectrum. The gist of the Agency’s crime is that top FBI officials knowingly used an unverified dossier created at the behest of the Democratic National Committee to dupe a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court judge into issuing a warrant to spy on the Trump campaign.

President Trump, target and victim of the FBI’s political vendetta, described the FBI’s actions as “worse than Watergate where a handful of Nixon campaign operatives broke into Democratic Party offices to spy on the McGovern campaign. Now we see the Obama Department of Justice used the full weight of the federal government to try to rig the election against me. I think it’s terrible. I think it’s a disgrace.”

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) insists that “the disgrace is that Trump would allow the House memo to be declassified. The heroic actions of these dedicated FBI law enforcement officers to try to protect the nation from being taken over by an unqualified usurper are now being held up to scorn merely because they manipulated the legal process. Well, there are times when patriots have to put the greater good ahead of adherence to the law. I think Trump is lucky that all they did was try to derail his election and prompt his impeachment. As Sen. Schumer (D-NY) has pointed out, our nation’s intelligence agencies have access to more lethal options for disposing of threats against this country.”

Former FBI Director James Comey derided the release of the memo for “exposing matters that were better left classified. By its nature, intelligence work entails doing things that an unsophisticated general public might consider dishonest or even criminal. But dire threats call for dire deeds. Did the nation berate FDR for authorizing the firebombing of German and Japanese civilians? No. They accepted these harsh measures as the price of freedom. In this context, the FBI’s tactic of merely sabotaging the Trump campaign and supporting the resistance when that effort failed strikes me as both justified and more merciful than other steps they could have taken.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) called the memo’s release “a stain on our reputation. By unveiling the disreputable behavior of the FBI for all the world to see we are conveying the impression that America has its own secret police who abuse their authority for political reasons. Comparisons to the Soviet KGB or Nazi Gestapo are now inevitable. The damage this does to our nation is incalculable. It would have been better if the errant FBI men had conveniently perished in a train wreck that could’ve been arranged by trained assassins from one of our other intelligence agencies.”

CNN political analyst Brian Karem characterized the release of the memo as “the death knell for our democracy. Congressional intrusion into the independence of the FBI tears our Constitution to shreds. That a body with an overt political role could divulge information that an intelligence agency wants to conceal overturns decades of agreement on both sides of the aisle. It’s like the analogy made by former CIA Director Leon Panetta, ‘who should we trust when it comes down to what is best for the country—James Bond or the gas bags in Parliament, or in our case, Congress.’”

The primary author of the memo—House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-Calif)–says “the reactions I’m seeing from both sides reaffirms my belief that releasing the memo was the right thing to do. The notion that some of my Democratic Party colleagues have that the FBI ought to be independent from congressional scrutiny, that we ought to blindly trust our intelligence agencies is about as far away as we could get from the type of open, democratic, and free government that our Constitution intended. I hope it will inspire the types of reform that can guard against future abuses of power by those whose jobs are to defend the law and the safety of the citizens of the United States.”

Meanwhile, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned President Trump that “firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, Special Counsel Robert Mueller, or any other high-ranking member of the Department of Justice on the pretext that their involvement in the improper use of the FISA system renders them unworthy of being trusted would be clear grounds for impeachment. Every Democrat and quite a few Republicans in the House and Senate implicitly trust these men despite any missteps they may have inadvertently taken in the pursuit of justice and American security interests.”

In related news, the latest batch of text messages between FBI agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page revealed the two discussing the best way to illegally copy and transmit classified material without being caught. A text from Strzok to Page explicitly states that “If I want to copy/take classified, I’m sure as hell not going to do it on this phone.” While admitting that this looks bad, Attorney General Jeff Sessions took the occasion to point out that “not everyone who works at the FBI or Department of Justice is crooked. We just have to hope that the good apples outnumber and outwork the bad ones.”

Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed

This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.”

Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?”

Reminded that Trump did not explicitly include Cuba in his complaint about “bringing in so many people from these sh*thole countries,” Cabeza retorted, “we aren’t stupid. Look around you. Why do you think so many Cubans try to paddle their way to America? With Fidelito gone I might have to try the same thing. Who will pick up the tab for me now?”

Fidelito’s uncle and current Cuban dictator Raul Castro is reported to have set up “suicide hotlines to assist fellow comrades who may wish to follow my nephew’s example. Surely, there are others who have even greater reasons for wanting out than our beloved Fidelito.”

Raul lamented that “I partially blame myself for not suppressing Trump’s scurrilous remarks, but then what could I do. It’s not like the old days when we could just execute people who spread capitalist propaganda. There are just too many of them these days. The imperialists have infiltrated fantastical images of the prosperity that exists outside our island paradise and fomented disloyalty everywhere.”

Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Gives Farewell Speech

Retiring Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards urged abortion supporters to “fight back against the moralists who threaten women’s freedom.” She pointed to “a few bright spots we’ve seen in recent weeks that should encourage our faith in the ultimate victory of our cause.”

“First there was the virtually unanimous vote by House Democrats against requiring abortionists to render medical aid to infants who survive the procedure,” Richards recounted. “This nonsensical Republican attempt to impose their own notion of what they call ‘common human decency’ would completely negate the purpose of the procedure. The mother came for the express purpose of terminating her unwanted pregnancy. To require the doctor to offer life-saving aid after he has botched the termination effort is cruel and demented.”

“Next, there was the successful Democrat filibuster against the Senate Republicans’ attempt to prevent abortions that cause pain for the fetus,” Richards continued. “Seeing the Democrats high-fiving each other after killing the bill was exhilarating. For the GOP to try to use the few moments of pain experienced by the fetus as it is ripped apart inside the mother’s womb as a ploy to foist a lifetime of obligation on the parents is a moral atrocity.”

“Not content with their efforts to nullify a woman’s right to an abortion, the GOP is now touting legislation that would greatly inconvenience women by allowing the doctor they prefer to perform the procedure to decline on the grounds that it violates his conscience,” Richards complained. “Their bill would overturn President Obama’s decree that doctors must abide by the consciences of their patients and have no right to insert their own moral objections into the transaction. Permitting individuals to each make their own moral judgments is the road to anarchy. If the government is to fully empower women to choose whether to be mothers it must enforce compliance upon those the government has licensed to practice medicine and compel doctors to perform requested abortions.”

MSNBC Lunatics Pan Trump’s State-of-the-Union Speech

Despite polls showing that 70% of those who saw or heard President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech approved of it, the media talking heads at MSNBC roundly panned it.
Joy Reid, host of the weekend “news” show A.M. Joy, contended that “his praise of church, family, and the National Anthem are clearly outside the mainstream of the values shared by most of the country. We’ve moved on from these outdated and obsolete ideas. And his total failure to reach out to the LGBTQ community puts him at odds with the progressive aspirations laid out for America by President Obama.”

Stene Schmidt, the network’s “Republican” strategist, backed his MSNBC colleague, saying that “I found Trump to be divisive and delusional. What about the people who disparage religion, abort their families, and despise the Anthem’s encouragement of patriotism? What does Trump have to offer them? How can he unite the country without fighting for their values like President Obama did?”

Host of MSNBC’s Hardball, Chris Matthews wondered “what’s the deal with all of Trump’s references to MS-13? Even if we concede that this is a vicious gang of murdering thugs there’s no evidence they colluded with the Russians to interfere with our elections. We shouldn’t let Trump get away with using them as a distraction from his collusion with the Russians to undermine the ascension of Hillary Clinton to the presidency.”
Donny Deutsch, a regular guest on the MSNBC talk show Morning Joe, declared that “the speech proves Trump is a dictator. I urge people to take to the streets and overthrow this monster before we lose all of our freedom.”

In related news, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell defended his organization’s decision to reject the American Veterans (AMVETS) ad asking Super Bowl attendees to “please stand for the National Anthem.” “We have invested a lot of energy empowering those who have grievances to sit or kneel for the Anthem,” Goodell said. “We are not about to let a gang of aged jar heads abuse our forum by making an insensitive political statement that undermines the progress we’ve made.”

Pelosi Explains “Crumbs” Statement

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her dismissal of the $1,000s in bonuses and tax cuts flowing to the middle class from the recently enacted Tax Cuts and Jobs Act as “crumbs.”

Using herself as an example, Pelosi observed that “the pittances being received by members of the working classes are dwarfed by the hit I’m taking. By limiting the deductability of mortgage interest to only $10,000 on only an owner-occupied home, those of us who own multiple houses worth millions of dollars are losing far more than these commoners are gaining. My tax accountant tells me I’ll have to pay an additional $100,000 or more in income taxes because of this. I’m maybe a hundred times worse off than the average Joe. So it is small comfort to me that ordinary folks are benefiting by a few thousand apiece because of this dumb tax cut.”

The House Minority Leader is one of the richest members of Congress with a net worth estimated at over $190 million.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.