Omnibus Bill: Dems Declare Victory

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Congress appropriated $1.3 trillion in spending to fund the federal government for the next six months. Despite threatening to veto the measure, President Trump signed it “for national security reasons.” Minority Leaders Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) claimed victory.

“We got more out of this bill than we did when we had the majority and Obama was president,” Pelosi boasted. “The GOP’s inability to unite on a program they could all support meant that Republican leaders had to buy Democrats to get enough votes to pass the thing. And those votes didn’t come cheap. That the bill has explicit language restricting border fence construction to the same see-through fencing that was already authorized under current law is the ‘cherry on top’ of our takedown of Trump’s agenda. Next up is impeachment after we regain the majority in November’s elections.”

Schumer said “McConnell’s devotion to the Senate’s filibuster rules were a key. If he weren’t such a flaccid leader he might’ve corralled a slim majority on a straight Party line vote to pass a budget more in line with Republican campaign promises. But by setting a minimum 60-vote threshold for clearing a filibuster he handed us the whip hand once again.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) expressed his gratitude for “the seminal support from my esteemed colleagues on the other side of the aisle. Without them behind us there would’ve been no bill. The government would’ve run out of money and the people of America would’ve been left adrift without the essential guidance and regulation from the federal that is needed for them to live satisfying and fulfilling lives.”

While he did sign the spending legislation, President Trump was noticeably more muted in his enthusiasm. “There was a lot of crap in the bill that I didn’t want and some important things like the border wall and DACA relief were left out. But we did get a very important $700 billion for our military which, I am told, should give us sufficient firepower to neutralize any future violent threats from former Vice-President Joe Biden.”

In related news, Rep. Scott Perry (R-Pa) pointed out “Ryan and McConnell adopted the same appalling tactics thje Democrats used to ram Obamacare through Congress. In both instances the Leadership forced us to vote on massive 2,000 page bills without allowing sufficient time to read them. Pelosi’s 2010 quip that ‘we have to pass the bill to find out what’s in it’ seems to have become standard practice now. It’s a disgrace.”

Progressives Stunned by Firearms Poll Answer

In a poll conducted for NBC and the Wall Street Journal, 58% of respondents agreed that “gun ownership does more to increase safety by allowing law-abiding citizens to protect themselves.” On the other side, 38% agreed that “gun ownership reduces safety by giving too many people access to firearms.” These results are a significant reversal of responses from 19 years ago when 52% felt that increased gun ownership reduced safety.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called this shift in favor of gun ownership “dismaying. Considering the carnage taking place on our city streets on a daily basis, I think it’s clear that the gun controls we have put in place are insufficient. We need sterner measures to ensure that those with bad intent cannot get their hands on firearms.”

The Mayor suggested that “we should approach the issue logically. Let’s assume that the police are the good guys. Each officer has cleared ethical scrutiny and received extensive training in the use of firearms. While we can’t expect everyone to undergo such scrutiny and training we could place our trust in those who have. I say let the police decide whose guns should be confiscated on a real-time basis without having to go through the red tape of court orders or probable cause. If a cop thinks a person is dangerous just take his guns away.”

“I know some gun nuts will say I’m calling for a police-state,” Emanuel added. “But think about it. We didn’t see the kind of gun fights we now have in Chicago during Stalin’s rule in Russia. Sure, a few people were oppressed and sent to the Gulag, but innocent people weren’t being massacred in the streets like they are here in America with our loose gun control policies. Perhaps we should consider giving up a little of our out-dated ‘right to bear arms’ in exchange for the right not to get shot by our neighbors.”

Zuckerberg Apologizes

The revelation that a firm working for the 2016 Trump presidential campaign used FaceBook data to aid his election sparked a heavy dose of remorse from founder Mark Zuckerberg. He apologized profusely “for betraying the values and efforts of President Obama to create a just and noble society for everyone.”

A particularly aggravating aspect of the Trump campaign’s use of data mining techniques via FaceBook was its similarity to what the Obama presidential campaign of 2012 did. “When Obama’s people approached me on the topic of extracting personal data for political purposes, I thought, we’re for the same things, and I was glad to help out,” Zuckerburg said. “I never considered the possibility that someone else with contradictory political beliefs could replicate Obama’s genius. I’m so sorry.”

Zuckerburg admitted that “my naive assumption that freedom of speech would be enough for good ideas to win out was a big mistake. My people have the skills to subtly impose censorship. We’re doing that now through a variety of algorithms. Results over the past few months have been encouraging. The spread of conservative messages has been diminished while to spread of progressive and corporate content has increased. I just hope it isn’t too late to undo the damage already done.”

The social network mogul also suggested that “my firm’s efforts be formalized via government regulations that establish my algorithms as THE STANDARD for determining what can and can’t be posted on any site on the web. FaceBook has two billion users, but there are five billion people using other methods of communicating. If the government were to mandate that everyone use FaceBook, like they mandated that everyone have Obamacare, I’m confident that I could guarantee that everyone is properly informed on all the critical issues.”

Group Wants to Ban Gas-Powered Cars

In California, the Center for Climate Protection is pushing legislation that would ban gasoline-powered vehicles after Jan 1, 2040. A bill drafted by Assemblyman Phil Ting (D-San Francisco) would require that only vehicles relying on “clean” technologies could be registered in the state. Even hybrids that sometimes use gasoline would be barred from being registered.

“I envision a future where the roads are traveled by nonpolluting vehicles using batteries, fuel cells, or wind as their source of energy,” Ting imagined. “My favorite, of course, is the wind-powered car. For centuries humans traveled the seas with only wind to push them to their destinations. The ships were elegant, beautiful, and non-polluting. Why couldn’t the shorter distances traveled by daily commuters be traversed by wind-driven cars?”

Ting’s bill is not without its problems. Batteries and fuel cells are only pollution-free while being driven. The manufacture of new and disposal of old batteries and fuel cells does contribute to pollution. And wind-powered cars could become becalmed on still days.

“Well, even if these technologies don’t work out our increasingly Mexican population could make do with a more traditional mode of transportation,” Ting postulated. “Burros are a very familiar way of getting around and transporting freight in Mexico. And they are also non-polluting. So, I think California will come out okay either way. Those who can’t shake their dependence on polluting vehicles are free to leave the state and make more room for immigrants who will lead more natural lives.”

Hogg Calls for Students to Seize Power

School shooting survivor and anti-gun crusader David Hogg went on a rant denouncing “the feeble old drones who are ruining our future” to be deposed by a “student uprising to seize control of the government and exterminate our oppressors.”

“Our parents failed to protect us,” Hogg charged. “They have lost their right to rule and maybe even their right to live. They don’t know how to use a f*cking democracy. We do! The half million of us who are going to march on Washington shouldn’t settle for ‘atta boys’ and a pats on the head from the generation that has screwed us over. We have the numbers to overwhelm the White House and the capitol, drag the politicians into the streets and beat them to death.”

Hogg blamed the NRA for making his coup necessary, claiming that “they’re the ones who led our weak-willed parents astray. Instead of acknowledging the justice of our cause and urging everyone to lay down their arms, the NRA has bribed Congress to block any sensible limits on guns.”

“I tried to be nice,” Hogg maintained. “I was willing to consider the possibility that many gun owners might not be bad people. I invited them to join our cause. But almost all of them have rejected my overtures. I reached out to the NRA leadership and begged them to stop manufacturing guns and distributing them to the mentally ill. But the few dollars of profit they got from selling a fully semi-automatic assault rifle to Nikolas Cruz so he could kill my classmates was more important to them than the billions of lives that could be saved if they ceased their malevolent scheme.”

“I expect that oldsters will scoff at the possibility that we could succeed in our aims,” Hogg predicted. “Let them. Lenin had even fewer on his side when he seized power. Still, he established a new government that served as a shining beacon to all who hoped for a better future.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Job Openings Hit New Record

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that job openings increased to a record 6.3 million. The number of openings now equals the number of currently unemployed Americans.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) assailed these statistics, saying “this is the economic disaster our Party tried to avert, but the GOP rammed through their tax cut, which as we now see, has created a serious labor shortage. Millions of unemployed Americans will now be pressured into taking jobs they’d rather not do.”

Pelosi also contended that “these statistics validate the foolishness of the Administration’s determination to throttle immigration. In addition to trying to force unwilling Americans into the workforce the barriers to immigration will result in rising labor costs for businesses across a wide spectrum as the pool of undocumented workers shrinks due to heightened ICE efforts to deport those in the country illegally.”

The Minority Leader cited Trump’s proposed 30 foot high border wall as “an obnoxious impediment to the free flow of migrating herds of Mexicans seeking better opportunities in lands forcibly seized from their country by 19th century American aggression. Maybe I could support a 30 inch wall. That would be high enough to block the physically unfit from entering the United States while still allowing the much needed and spry individuals who mow our lawns and make our beds to still get through.”

In related news, Jose Inez Garcia-Zarate, the illegal alien who killed Kate Steinle in 2015 has filed suit alleging that the state’s prosecution of him for the slaying was “vindictive.” Garcia was acquitted in the case because, although he did fire the gun that caused Steinle’s death the jury accepted his assertion that it was an accident. “I told the police that I didn’t even know that woman,” Garcia said. “I had no motive to kill her. In my country, firing guns into the air is our way of celebrating. Yet, they went ahead and put me on trial. If that wasn’t vindictive prosecution I don’t know what is.” The lawsuit has put Garcia’s 6th deportation on hold.

“National Walkout Day” Stirs Controversy

This week, various schools across the country sponsored “walkouts” in memory of the 17 students and faculty members killed in the Feb 14th massacre carried out by Nikolas Cruz at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. In other schools students took it upon themselves to walkout without permission.

New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) warned school administrators not to punish students who engaged in unsanctioned walkouts, asserting that “it would be wrong. Threatening to discipline students for participating in the peaceful demonstrations is not only inappropriate, it is unconstitutional. Demonstrations against gun violence are protected by the First Amendment right to peaceably assemble and petition government for a redress of grievances.”

If the Governor’s plea were a genuine advocacy for freedom of speech it would be laudable. Many schools have exhibited antagonism toward free speech. For example, in some schools where students were encouraged to participate in the anti-gun protest, dissenters were not encouraged to voice their contrary views.

In Hilliard Davidson High School in Ohio, senior Jacob Shoemaker was given a suspension for refusing to join fellow students who walked out. “Divisive politics have no place in America’s schools,” Shoemaker argued. School district spokesperson Stacie Raterman said “Shoemaker was warned repeatedly that his demand to receive instruction in his classroom would not be honored by the administration. His refusal to exit the building constituted an illegal presence on school property.”

In New Prague High School in Minnesota one student attempted to express a divergent opinion by holding a sign saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” Principal Lonnie Seifert accosted the student and threatened to have him arrested for “trying to disrupt the solidarity of the student body on this crucial issue of public safety. No one else there agreed with him. Why should he be allowed to prevent unanimity?”

In California, a Rocklin High School history teacher was put on administrative leave for conducting a class discussion about political protests. Julianne Benzel asked students whether it was appropriate for the school to sanction some protests, but not others. “The school was permitting students who wanted to challenge gun laws time off from class to protest,” she said. “Should the school then also allow students time off to protest on other issues, like abortion?” While her students were able to engage in a dialog on the question, complaints from a parent led to her subsequent suspension from her duties. A hearing on whether she should be dismissed has been scheduled.

In Chicago, students from the Simeon Career Academy used their 17 minutes of sanctioned out-of-school time to harass nearby businesses, intimidate employees, steal merchandise and vandalize displays. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel acknowledged that “I don’t think this was envisioned by school officials when they agreed to allow the students out for the protest. On the other hand, I don’t think we can just dismiss this form of expression as unwarranted lawbreaking. There could be legitimate reasons behind the looting and trashing of these businesses near the school. Perhaps the students had been ripped off by high prices or dissed by poor service. We shouldn’t condemn these young people unless we have walked in their shoes.”

Hillary Defends Sexist Remarks

While in India promoting her election memoir “What Happened,” former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laid a big share of the blame for her loss to Trump on “white women who were too weak to stand up to bullying by their husbands demanding that they vote for Trump.”

Clinton’s former 2008 presidential campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle called Hillary’s contention “wrong” and “unhelpful. To try to portray women as the pawns of men will clash with every woman’s personal perception that she is the master of her own self. It won’t ring true to women or to men. Rather than blaming other women for her defeat I think Hillary needs to consider whether she could’ve done better in communicating a rationale for voters to choose her over Trump.”

“The assumption that women are free to make their own choices ignores simple facts,” Clinton responded when told of Doyle’s comments. “My own personal history disproves her contention. My husband bullied me on how to vote. I started out as a Goldwater Girl, but after years of unrelenting pressure from Bill I switched to Democrat. His psychological domination was so intense that I was cowed into a humiliating campaign to cover up for his philandering. So don’t tell me that the 52% of married white women who voted for Trump weren’t victims of marital intimidation. As a former victim myself, I know that this type of bullying is real.”

House Intel Committee Closes Collusion Investigation

House Intelligence Committee Republicans’ announcement that it is ending its investigation of possible collusion between Trump and Russia to rig the 2016 presidential election because “there is no evidence” enraged House Intel Committee leaker Adam Schiff (D-Calif).

“There’s plenty of evidence that the Republicans refuse to acknowledge,” Schiff maintained. “So blatant was the conspiracy that during a televised debate Trump brazenly signaled the Russians to reveal the 30,000 emails that Secretary Clinton had erased from her computer. And lo and behold, these emails started showing up in Wikileaks publications.”

“On top of that, the Russians punked Sec. Clinton by selling her a bogus intel dossier that misled her, the media, and the FBI down a dead-end road that failed to persuade voters that Trump was a dangerous mole of a foreign power,” Schiff added. “This misinformation ploy led to overconfidence among these three legs of the Clinton campaign. The FBI focused on bit players like Papadopolos and Manafort instead of seizing Trump’s IRS files and NSA surveillance records, as Mueller is now belatedly doing. The media coasted on the salacious content of the dossier and the Hollywood Access tape when they could’ve created more allegations from unnamed sources. And with the polls showing she had a big lead Hillary opted to conserve her strength for governing rather than further damage her health by excessive campaigning.”

Schiff brushed off concerns that some of the actions he suggests could have been taken might be illegal or unethical. “Technically, that may be true, but isn’t it better to condone minor infractions if the objective is to prevent or resist the tyranny that Trump has brought to this country?” he asked. “In any case, it’s not over yet. After we take back congress in the November elections we’re going to reopen the investigation and take whatever other steps are needed to oust the Trump regime.”

Meanwhile, former CIA Director John Brennan warned that “Republicans on the House Intel Committee will face a day of reckoning for their decision to close this investigation. Everyone knows that Trump is unstable, inept, inexperienced, and unethical. For the committee to stop short of calling for his impeachment is tantamount to committing treason. I look forward to when they are all behind bars for what they have done to this country.”

In related news, on the recommendation of FBI disciplinary officials, former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe was fired on Friday. The action came just 24 hours ahead of McCabe’s planned retirement date and could reduce his pension, which is projected to amount to several million dollars. McCabe called the move “incredibly unfair. Others who have leaked confidential information and lied about it haven’t been treated as harshly. Comey leaked and lied more than I did. Now he’s a media hero with a multi-million dollar book deal and speaking tour. All I did was follow the orders that came down the line from above.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schools Struggle with Religious Intolerance

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Contrasting styles of how to cope with differing religions in schools were demonstrated recently in Massachusetts and Germany.

In Massachusetts librarians at Simmons College in Boston issued The Anti-Oppression Library Guide to promote equality and limit religious persecution. The Guide urges students to “refrain from using trigger words like ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘God bless you’ after someone sneezes because these words constitute microaggressions against Muslims. Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas. And the notion that God should bless a non-Muslim is offensive to their faith.”

The Guide warns that “even unintentional or inadvertent use of such trigger words could unleash a violent response that Muslims would regard as fully justified. As far as Islam is concerned, unbelievers are subhumans who must submit to Muslim dominance or face extermination. It is best that confrontations on these matters be avoided if at all possible.”

In contrast, in the Peter Petersen Elementary School in Neukölln, Germany the Muslim majority students routinely bully non-Muslim classmates for insulting Islam by eating non-halal food like ham sandwiches or Gummy Bears or for being Jewish. School principal Hildegard Greif-Gross complains that “the rights of native Germans are being abused by these ungrateful immigrants. We are giving them an education that far surpasses what was available to them in the countries they emigrated from. Rather than appreciating what we are doing for them they are importing the barbaric ways of the countries they left behind.”

Local Imam Mulhed Ashat condemned the principal’s complaint, calling it “an insult to Islam. Kafirs have no right to criticize any Muslim for any reason. Allah gave all the world to his believers. Her life is forfeit to the first righteous Muslim who chooses to slay her.”

In related news, more Democrat voters in America believe Muslims are treated worse here (56%) than Christians are treated in Islamic countries (47%). This is despite substantial evidence of violent crimes committed against Christians in Muslim countries during 2017, including 3,066 killed, 1,252 abducted, and 1,020 raped or sexually harassed, and 793 churches attacked or destroyed. Almost all of these crimes were carried out by “moderate” Muslims, not Islamic terrorists. In contrast, the assaults against Muslims in the United States has averaged 50 per year over the past two decades. A possible explanation for Democrats’ mistaken beliefs is likely the discrepancy in media coverage. Muslims in the US have been granted “victim” status by the media. Crimes against Christians in Muslim countries have been mostly ignored.

Conn Guv Says NRA a “Terrorist Organization”

Connecticut’s Gov. Dannel Malloy (D) called the NRA “a terrorist organization” and announced his state will “boycott the NRA.”

“Their defense of gun ownership goes far beyond legitimate protection of the rights of hunters and ventures into explicitly anti-government intent,” Malloy argued. “In their fantastical vision, citizens need guns to be able to fight against tyranny. If that isn’t an out-and-out threat to authority I don’t know what is.”

“Citizens owning guns may have made sense when we were fighting the British for our independence,” Malloy ventured. “But times have changed. Under our democracy, the government is the people. It is nonsensical that citizens would any longer need guns to protect themselves from government oppression.”

“Ideally, only the government should have guns,” Malloy contended. “The next best option would be for the government to extend the privilege to select individuals or groups whose loyalty to the government is without question. These loyal citizens would constitute the ‘well-regulated militia’ that government officials could call upon to put down rebellions against its authority—as the writers of the Second Amendment originally intended.”

Senator Says “California Represents the Future”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vehemently denounced US Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ efforts to enforce federal immigration laws, calling them “a grievous and doomed attempt to thwart history. California represents the future toward which America is inexorably marching.”

“As Gov. Brown so eloquently pointed out, the so-called evils that Sessions claims to be trying to prevent are part of a worldwide evolution toward the more natural way of life being experienced outside of the United States.,” Harris maintained. “The notion that Americans can live above the standards that exist in other parts of the world is both selfish and unsustainable. Owning a home with indoor plumbing, heating, and electricity is a luxury that can only be allowed for a small elite. The sooner we reconcile ourselves to this reality, the sooner we will stem the necessity of people migrating here in hopes of a better life.”

Harris admitted that “the average American may be ill-suited to adapt to this emerging return to a more natural state of existence. Our saving grace, though, is that under our state’s open-borders agenda the vast majority of those entering the country from Latin America and the Middle East are ideally suited to this life style. So, there is a replacement population that is flowing into the country of its own free will. And I am proud to stand with visionaries like Gov. Brown and Mayor Schaaf who are working diligently to accelerate this transformation.”

Part of Schaaf’s diligent work included warning illegals in her city of the recent ICE raid. This enabled an estimated 800 to escape apprehension. Of the 232 caught by ICE, 115 (~50%) had prior felony convictions for serious offenses, such as child sex crimes, weapons charges and assault, or had past convictions for significant or multiple misdemeanors. “While the 50% proportion of common criminals among the immigrants rounded up by ICE seems high, let’s not forget that we force these people into the criminal classes by making them sneak into the country,” Schaaf reminded. “If we welcomed them in and gave them apartments, food stamps and other amenities unavailable in their home countries they would have less reason to prey upon our citizens. So, I blame Trump, Sessions, and the other racists who would deny these people their human right to live wherever they choose.”

Planned Trump-Kim Meeting Irks Soros

Billionaire donor to the Democratic Party George Soros is apoplectic over the announcement that President Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un within the next two months to discuss nuclear disarmament of his country.

“This never should have happened,” Soros complained. “I paid $30 million to defeat Trump in the 2016 election. I’ve funded street protests and riots to try to undermine his administration. I’ve been working tirelessly with the FBI and media to generate a scandal that will drive him from office. That this Korean twit would wreck my efforts by yielding to Trump’s pressures and threats is yet another unexpected setback.”

“We were so close,” Soros lamented. “The aid provided to Kim by Presidents Clinton and Obama helped North Korea attain nuclear power status. While North Korea could never conquer the United States, the possibility that Kim could’ve nuked Guam or maybe landed a missile within the US borders should have paralyzed any rational US leader. Trump’s maniacal and unfair threat to annihilate North Korea for any attack changed the course of history for the worse. It’s beginning to look like our only hope is for the US intelligence community to take Trump out like they took out JFK after he vowed to dismantle the CIA.”

Dem Promises Reparations by 2020

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) promised an audience in Selma, Alabama that “we will provide reparations for slavery to all African-Americans by 2020 if we take back the House this November. We are going to divert those billion dollar tax cuts Trump gave to corporations and white people and pay off every Black man, woman, and child in America, except for ‘Uncle Toms’ like Ben Carson.”

Waters brushed aside difficulties in trying to distinguish between whites who owned slaves and the millions of white soldiers who fought in the Civil War that ended slavery in this country. “It’s not about guilt or liability,” she clarified. “It’s about racial equality. Those whites who died to free the slaves still had it better than the slaves did. Today’s whites have it better than Blacks. Equality demands that this disparity be eliminated.”

To help drive home her point, Waters targeted fellow legislator House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s $90 million in personal assets as “a pot of money we will be looking to redistribute among African-American members of congress. Lord knows I love Nancy like a sister, but she’s got to do her sisterly duty by me and the other members of the Black Caucus. Poor old Charlie Rangel wouldn’t have had to cheat on his taxes if he could’ve had a share of Nancy’s stash. It’s a simple matter of social justice.”

For her part, Pelosi pronounced Waters’ intention “noble of heart, but impractical in reality. Those of us in government have got to stick together rather than fight among ourselves over the few crumbs in my bank account. The Federal Reserve can print more than enough money for every descendant of a former slave to get a generous payout. There is no need for her to covet my money. My ability to hold my seat in congress and to campaign for equality is founded on the leisure provided by the income I obtain from my investments. Surely Maxine wouldn’t want to take that away from me.”

Waters tried to reassure Pelosi that “we’re not going to take it all. When you and I are evened out is when we’ll stop redistributing your wealth and move on to the next person in line.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Mueller Investigating Trump’s Complaints About Sessions

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Trump’s repeated expressions of his dissatisfaction with Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ job performance is said to have opened a new avenue of investigation for Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into Russian interference with the 2016 election.

“We have two alternate theories we can pursue,” Mueller is reputed to have told his team. “On the one hand, Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. This is prima facie evidence that he has something to hide. Could that something be knowledge of Russian collusion? Could Trump’s public bullying of his Attorney General be an attempt to intimidate him into keeping silent?”

“On the other hand, isn’t Trump’s attempt to push the Attorney General into an action he prefers not to take evidence of abuse of power?” Mueller continued. “Take Trump’s insistence that the Department of Justice investigate Hillary Clinton and former President Obama. Former FBI Director James Comey already investigated Secretary Clinton and found her not guilty. Wouldn’t reopening the case constitute double jeopardy? And President Obama has already denied any wrongdoing. Trump’s implication that his predecessor might be lying isn’t the way we treat former presidents. It’s destabilizing. It suggests that Trump himself may be a domestic enemy of our form of government.”

While Mueller is said to have instructed his team to pursue both theories, he admitted that “we won’t get much traction with theories alone. Media hype can only take us so far. We need a triggering event. The most obvious trigger would be for Trump to fire Sessions. Given the dirt we have in Sessions’ file plus the grievance he will feel against the man who lured him from his cozy seat in the Senate only to fire him a year later I’m pretty sure we can persuade him to cooperate with us. After all, Sessions has told friends that ‘working with Trump is the most humiliating experience in decades of public life.’”

In related news, Sirius XM radio host Mark Thompson complained that “Mueller is overlooking the fact that criticizing the FBI is itself seditious. It attacks the very foundation of our government. By impugning the reputation of this great agency Trump, Nunes, Grassley, almost the entire Republican Party, are clearly guilty of trying to undermine our form of government. If I were Mueller I’d have all these guys arrested and put Obama back on the throne.”

Guv Disputes “Worst Quality of Life” Finding

This week, a report published by U.S. News on the quality of life in the United States ranked the State of California dead last—behind even the renowned “arm pit” State of New Jersey. “High rents, high taxes, and insufferable inhabitants” were cited as key low points contributing to California’s last place finish.

“In many of the cities even cramped and dumpy apartments can cost thousands per month in rent,” the report commented. “It should be no surprise that homelessness in Los Angeles County has increased by 75% over the last six years. What is surprising is that public defecation has become the norm in many parts of what were once among the most admired cities in America.”

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) disagreed with the U.S. News report’s conclusions. “I challenge their frame of reference,” he said. “They’re mired in a myopic perspective that focuses on how much it costs to live here and have the amenities of a middle class lifestyle. What they overlook is that our state is pioneering the transition toward getting in step with the rest of the world, not keeping up with the Joneses in other states. U.S. News sees a rise in homelessness through a materialistic lens. I see it as regressing to the mean of how the majority of people on this planet live.”

“Discomfort and bad sanitation are the norm for most of the world,” Brown pointed out. “The easy life to which so many Americans have become accustomed is abnormal. I don’t see California as lagging the rest of the states. I see us leading the way toward a mode of living that is more natural and environmentally friendly. Living in a box in a public park or under a bridge has a smaller carbon footprint than busting your butt to be able to afford a mortgage on a house. I foresee an America where nearly everyone except Democrat donors adopts the new California lifestyle. I’m proud to have been able to play a leadership role in paving the way.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) efforts to apprehend persons illegally in the United States “a shocking abuse of law enforcement power. These immigrants have come to America for a better life. It is our Christian obligation to provide this better life. ICE’s reliance on mere statutory law as the justification for ignoring this obligation is shameful.” The ICE raid in northern California that Pelosi condemned had targeted over 800 illegal immigrants with outstanding arrest warrants.

“Mistakes” Not “Scandals”

Speaking at MIT, former President Obama sought to convince the 3500 in attendance that “unlike what we’ve seen from just the first year of the Trump Administration, my eight-year tenure in office was remarkably scandal free. I admit we made a few mistakes, but nothing that embarrassed us.”

Obama critics might disagree. Fox News’ Sean Hannity rattled of a list that included the Fast and Furious sale of guns to Mexican gangsters, the failure to send aid to our besieged consulate in Benghazi, the IRS discrimination against political conservatives, the Uranium One sale of 20% of the US uranium supply to a Russian company that was brokered by bribery, and the FBI’s lying to the FISA court in order to spy on the Trump campaign and suggested that “surely this level of incompetence and/or corruption ought to inspire a few twinges of guilt, remorse, or shame. How could a person with a conscience not be embarrassed by some of these scandals?”

New York Times fake conservative columnist David Brooks questioned whether Hannity’s list contained any real scandals. “First, no one in the genuine media has called these events scandals. Second, one could make the case that they were all successful policy initiatives. Was the sale of guns to Mexican drug cartels really a scandal? Haven’t those cartels helped reduce illegal immigration by murdering thousands who might otherwise have sneaked across our border? And didn’t the bribes obtained in the Uranium One deal bring millions of dollars into the US economy? To label all of these unconventional transactions ‘scandals’ strikes me as overly simplistic. Life is more complex than the binomial right vs. wrong choice that people like Hannity perceive. Let’s not forget that it was Obama, not Hannity, who won a Nobel Peace Prize. Doesn’t this tell us who we should believe?”

Sheriff Defends Holding Officers Out of Line of Fire

Broward County sheriff Scott Israel rebuffed criticism of the decision to order his deputies to “form a perimeter” rather than enter Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in order to confront Nikolas Cruz as he shot 17 students and teachers to death.

“It’s a simple calculation of risk vs. reward,” Israel argued. “Anyone I might’ve sent in ran the risk of being shot before he could take any useful action to neutralize the threat. Each of my deputies is a highly trained and valuable asset to the community. The loss of any one of these men would be a significant loss to society. I had to weigh this against the relatively lower social value of the students who might get shot if my deputies remained outside.”

“For the most part, students are a liability rather than an asset to society,” the Sheriff estimated. “They have to be maintained and supported at great cost to others. They contribute little toward the upkeep of the community. So, in my judgment I could not justify risking the lives of the more valuable police officers in the uncertain hope that such a decision might save the lives of a few less valuable students.”

“In the aftermath, I think my judgment was vindicated,” Israel contended. “No law enforcement personnel were injured. The loss of lives inside the school were a tolerable number. As we have since seen, the school has been able to resume its normal activities, proving that those killed by the gunmen were not vital to the school’s mission or survival. The icing on the cake was that Cruz was peacefully apprehended without incident outside the school. He confessed to the crime and the case is solved without requiring a messy and expensive investigation. I’d say the outcome has demonstrated the amazing leadership I have provided as Broward County’s sheriff.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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