Media Labels Trump Complaint About FBI Spying “False”

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

NBC, a mainstream media ally of the government intelligence conspiracy to undermine the Trump campaign and administration, has labeled the president’s characterization of this covert operation as “spying” as FALSE. In an interview on The View, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper explained that “we weren’t spying on Trump. We were spying on the Russians.”

“Look it’s not as if the Obama Administration’s practice of using covert methods to gather useful intelligence from a political campaign was unprecedented,” Clapper said. “LBJ used federal agents to secretly intercept communications inside the Goldwater campaign. And, of course, Nixon had his henchmen break into Democratic headquarters at the Watergate to access confidential files and tap the phones of the McGovern campaign. The important issue is the motivation for these extralegal actions. Remember, the sitting president has a responsibility to protect the nation from domestic, as well as foreign, enemies. Clearly, the threats posed by Goldwater and Trump necessitated this precaution.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza called Trump’s accusation of spying “the type of baldfaced lie we’ve grown to expect from Trump’s ‘bull-in-a-china shop’ approach to discussing political issues. These undercover agents were inserted as ‘informants’ not ‘spies.’ Their role was to ensure that there was no collusion between Trump and the Russians. And as the Mueller investigation has thus far shown, they apparently were successful. There is no evidence of collusion. Rather than being thankful that the FBI went the extra mile to protect him, Trump now churlishly complains about it. In my mind, ingratitude like this ought to inspire Congress to move ahead with impeachment. It may not be a ‘high crime,’ per se, but it is outside the boundaries that have been respected by previous presidents.”

Meanwhile, Obama’s first Attorney General, Eric Holder, urged his former employees at the Justice Department to disregard Trump’s instructions to disclose information related to the spy operation launched in 2016 to members of Congress. Holder admitted that “legally, Trump is your boss, but sometimes duty requires a higher loyalty. In this case, your loyalty belongs to the department. Remember it is the Department of Justice, not the Department of Law Enforcement or the Department of Constitutionally Constrained Powers. The fate of government as we know it hangs in the balance. You must choose which side—good or evil—that you want to be on.”

Dems Mull Election Message

Democrats have yet to reach a consensus on what message might resonate most favorably with voters this Fall. Citing a poll finding that 60 percent of voters don’t believe the Mueller probe has uncovered any crimes, Democratic strategist Jesse Ferguson suggested that “we need to focus our message on the successes of the investigation. Granted, there hasn’t yet been any evidence of Russian collusion, but several people have been indicted for other crimes.” Almost all of these “other crimes” involve lying to federal agents. The one seemingly significant crime not in this category is the charge that Paul Manafort engaged in suspicious accounting that may have been deployed to “launder” money back in 2006.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is “blessed by the abundance of potential winning messages. Right now, I’m thinking that a campaign against the ‘culture of corruption’ in DC might be our strongest case for electing more Democrats. I know that Trump’s ‘drain the swamp’ rhetoric has proven popular. What if we neutralize that by usurping his ownership of that message? With the aid of a media barrage from CNN, NBC, ABC, etc. maybe we can convince voters that Democrats are the party that stands for honesty and justice, especially when we draw a contrast to the scandal-free eight years when President Obama ruled.”

“On the other hand, the disastrous economic policies of the Trump Administration strike me as presenting us with a lot of ammunition,” Pelosi offered. “He foolishly scattered crumbs to taxpayers while starving vital government programs of resources that could have been put to better use. Now, millions of Americans who we used to take care of have been pushed into the labor force. A lot of the progress Obama made in freeing these people from the soul-killing drudgery of wage-slavery has been undone. Perhaps we can resurrect the historic ‘peace and bread’ message that transformed Russia a hundred years ago.”

“Or maybe voters are tired of Trump’s dehumanization of immigrants,” Pelosi mused. “The Latino cohort of our Party’s voting block cannot help but be energized if we come out strongly against his racist slander of MS-13 and his threat to withhold foreign aid to countries that don’t do enough to keep members of this organization from coming here. After all, America is a nation of immigrants with a rich and varied mosaic of culturally diverse values and behaviors. Democrats embrace and nurture these differences. We want to give more of the world’s people the same opportunities that Trump would selfishly hoard for natural born citizens. Maybe we should follow the lead of forward thinking states like California that are extending voting rights to non-citizens. There are tens of millions more votes to be had if we make this issue a key plank of our platform.”

An opportunity thus far overlooked by most Democratic Party luminaries is Trump’s recent executive order requiring federal employees to spend at least 75 percent of their time on the job actually working. Surely, this cruel and unusual punishment summarily curtailing employees on-the-job leisure activities is something that voters will turn out in droves to elect Democrats who pledge to reverse such an injustice, as has socialist stalwart Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who likened Trump’s order to “a virtual reintroduction of slavery. His manifest intent is to decrease the size of government by dismissing redundant and non-performing employees. This is a step backward in our nation’s evolution toward a more socially just society.”

Meanwhile, single-issue voter and former Planned Parenthood CEO, Cecile Richards also used an anti-slavery meme to suggest that Democrats emphasize “that they are the Party of abortion rights. No woman is truly free if she is prevented from terminating an unwanted pregnancy. Trump is the most anti-abortion president we’ve ever had. Republicans who give lip-service to the pro-lifers are bad enough. If we allow Trump to get more of his kind into office the gains we’ve made since 1973 will be in grave danger. Getting this message across to every female voter is vital if we want to avert this fate.”

Black Lives Matter Leader Rejects “Inadequate Reparations” Idea

New York gubernatorial candidate, actress Cynthia Nixon made a bid to win over minorities with a proposal to legalize marijuana and grant exclusive rights to sell the crop to African-Americans. “In New York we’ve reparated the Indians for past injustices by granting them exclusive rights to operate gambling casinos,” she said. “Why can’t we reparate Blacks for the injustices of slavery in a similar way that is compatible with their culture?”

Black Lives Matter of Greater New York president Hawk Newsome said “Nixon’s notion that exclusive rights could suffice as ‘reparations’ is an insult. There are so many problems with her proposal that it is difficult to know where to begin. First of all, it is inconceivable that giving Blacks a monopoly on this product could even approach adequacy. Raising a marijuana crop requires hard work. How is that a fair compensation to me for the sufferings endured by my ancestors held in slavery? You know what would be fair—to make whites in America the slaves of Blacks for a few hundred years. Then after they’re freed, subjugate them with discriminatory laws and rules for another hundred years.”

“Second, who is she to say what is or isn’t compatible with Black culture?” Newsome demanded to know. “Only Blacks are qualified to say what is appropriate for Blacks. White people venturing opinions amounts to cultural appropriation.”

Trump Administration Secretary of Health and Human Services Eric Hargan challenged the contention that reparations are warranted. “Slavery was an evil institution,” Hargan agreed. “But there are a number of facts we should keep in mind before jumping to the conclusion that reparations are an equitable response. First, the people who committed this crime are long dead. Second, blaming all white people is an unjust slander. Slaveholders—white and Black—were the guilty parties. Mostly white soldiers fought in the war that enabled President Lincoln to emancipate the slaves. It was the Republican Party that pushed for liberation. It was the Democratic Party that resisted. It was Southern Democrats that enacted Jim Crow laws and gave birth to the Klan that terrorized freed slaves.”

“It was Democratic President Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society that entrapped a growing portion of Black Americans into increased poverty by luring them onto welfare and diverting them from the prosperity that could have been theirs through work and effort,” Hargan added. “Contemporary demands for reparations merely repeat and intensify this mistaken policy. You can’t really be free if you’re dependent on government handouts to survive. President Trump recognizes this and is doing more than any recent occupant of the White House to end this cycle of dependency. The growing ranks of employed workers are evidence of the success of his approach.”

In related news, nanny-state advocate and left-wing billionaire, Michael Bloomberg vigorously defended regressive taxes on the poor, calling them “a vital tool for modifying bad habits. Let’s face it, most people aren’t smart enough to know what’s good for them. It’s up to those of us who do to help guide them toward the right choices. Regressive taxes on sugary drinks, for example, are like shock collars for dogs. The pain of having to spend more for something that is bad for them will deter their bad choices.” Bloomberg touted his paternalistic approach as “a more benign form of tyranny than might otherwise be necessary if we can’t achieve the desired goals via these relatively gentle prods toward the right behavior from the government.”

DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies “Poaching Our Voters”

Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies “an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats.”

“While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda,” Ellison contended. “Take the admonition ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party’s belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don’t want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit.”

The Congressman suggested that “the problem is that the GOP’s Christian message of ‘loving thy neighbor’ undermines the anger that is essential if we are to make real change happen in America. This was one of the main reasons I converted to Islam. Islam explicitly calls for dispossessing unbelievers and rewarding the faithful. It is a religion more in sync with the natural predatory instincts that got these inmates into jail in the first place. If we let this natural mutual affinity be dissipated by indifference to the inroads being made by the GOP among the prison population we will be losing votes that naturally should have been ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama Administration’s Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA’s and FBI’s covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration “fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn’t want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don’t have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn’t guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could’ve outed the spy and compromised the entire Crossfire Hurricane operation. James Bond doesn’t rely on warrants. That’s why he’s always successful at neutralizing threats.”

Clapper lamented the absence of any useful intelligence from the operation, saying that “Special Counsel Mueller’s job would’ve been a lot easier if we’d been able to find something, anything, that clearly implicated Trump engaging in collusion with the Russians. But just because this operation was a ‘dry hole’ doesn’t mean it served no useful purpose. FBI agents were able to plant information on a few peripheral players in the Trump campaign that was ultimately used to get a warrant to monitor phone and email communications that may yet prove instrumental in the effort to unseat Trump.”

The former DNI Director brushed aside the issue of bias. “In hindsight it might have made for better optics if we had also placed spies within the Clinton campaign,” he admitted. “The emergence of evidence that her campaign funded the Russian dossier written by Christopher Steele makes it look like we played favorites. In our own defense, though, Clinton was considered trustworthy. Comey publicly declined to press charges for her email abuses and everyone was confident she would win. So we felt why waste effort just for show?”

“We must not allow the failure of this one covert operation to poison the reputation of the FBI specifically or the 17 different federal intelligence agencies that are working tirelessly to protect this country from hostile entities,” Clapper warned. “Elections are always a gamble. There’s no guarantee that the person who should win will win—as we saw in 2016. We want the American people to know that we’ve got their back—that we’re willing to do what it takes to ensure the correct election outcome and, if that fails, to continue the fight to remedy any mistakes made at the ballot box regardless of how long or hard that might turn out to be.”

Dems Defend MS-13 Against Trump Slander

This week President Trump again described members of the heinous immigrant gang MS-13 as “animals.” His remarks came in response to a complaint that California law forbids local law enforcement officers from notifying ICE that MS-13 gang members are in custody in county jails—resulting in their release back into the community instead of their deportation. Two high-ranking Democrats assailed Trump’s remarks.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer characterized the President’s words as “a slander against the kind of people who make our country great. Let’s not forget that we are a nation of immigrants. If it weren’t for the daring and arduous journeys undertaken by our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents this land would still be in the hands of tribes of savages. America is the land of opportunity—a beacon of hope to the world. We must not let racial prejudice block entrepreneurial groups like MS-13 from seizing their opportunity to better their lives.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi characterized the President’s comments as “disrespectful. Every person is a child of God having a soul and a spark of divinity. It is not for us to judge them as Trump has done. As I understand it, almost all of the members of MS-13 are immigrants who came here as children escaping from horrible poverty and violence in the lands of their birth. For Trump to insist that we deport them back to those awful places is inhumane. They would have to rob and kill more people in poorer countries to achieve the same gains they can get from a lesser scope of depredation in America where each victim is likely to be far richer than victims in Guatemala, Honduras, or El Salvador. On pure headcount alone, Trump’s policies would guarantee more bloodshed.”

In related news, Cecile Richards, former President of Planned Parenthood, also denounced Trump calling MS-13 gang members “animals. These young men are people. According to American values they are entitled to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. To grab them off the street and deport them simply because they are in this country illegally or have engaged in criminal activity is morally wrong.”

Seattle Levies Head Tax on Jobs

In a bid to discourage what it alleges is “wage slavery,” the Seattle City Council voted to levy an annual tax of $275 on each person employed in the City by companies grossing $20 million or more. The originally proposed tax rate of $500 was reduced after Mayor Jenny Durkan threatened a veto.

Council member Kshama Sawant says he is disappointed the tax isn’t higher. “Man’s preferred state is leisure,” he said. “Forcing people to give up their leisure in order to obtain the means needed to survive is a crime against humanity. The $500 levy was an opening bid in our long term battle to free the victims of this deplorable practice.”

The receipts from this new tax are earmarked for programs to aid the city’s growing population of homeless persons—a cohort that Sawant contends “is the vanguard of a future where the ideal of a life of leisure is appreciated. The funds will enable us to alleviate the poverty that currently plagues these social pioneers. Instead of condemning them to live in the streets scrounging for food in dumpsters or begging for money from strangers we’ll take the money from taxpayers and free them from this drudgery.”

The move inverts the more typical city strategy of offering businesses tax breaks for bringing jobs into the community, a practice which Sawant denounced as “capitalist exploitation. People don’t really want jobs. They want money. If we tax the wealthy corporations in order to break the link between work and reward we can move society to a higher level of consciousness and get closer to the communist ideal envisioned by Marx.”

Meanwhile, the Chicago Fed has proposed levying a statewide property tax hike of 1% of actual value to cover the unfunded pensions of state and local government retirees. For the median valued home in Chicago this would amount to $2,260 in additional annual property taxes and more than $67,000 over the 30 years the tax is expected to be imposed. Rick Matoon, one of the authors of the proposal, characterized it as “necessary if we are to ensure that former public servants have a comfortable retirement.” The typical yearly benefit paid to retired 30-year government employees in Illinois is over $70,000. The median household income in the state is about $61,000 a year. So, “necessary” might not be the most accurate description of the proposed wealth transfer.

Campaign Slogan May Not Be a Winner

Democrat Abdul al-Sayed, Michigan’s first-ever Muslim candidate for governor, may face an uphill struggle in in this year’s election. Political analysts suspect that his campaign slogan: “You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you!” may be too negative to win a majority of votes.

“Granted, Michigan has the highest percentage of Muslim voters in the country,” said Democratic Party pollster Vern Spielman, “but even if they go 100% for Sayed I don’t think that overcomes the odds that the 97% of voters who are not Muslims will vote for someone less hostile toward them.”

Sayed called objections to his slogan “a violation of my constitutional right to the free exercise of my religion. Islam calls on believers to fight for Allah and spread the joys of submission to the whole world. We aren’t cowardly Christians whose god bids them to turn the other cheek. We gladly smite that cheek and demand that unbelievers convert or acquiesce in their subservient role under Islam lest we be compelled to slay them.”

“There’s no doubt that Sayed is passionate and honest about his views and policies,” Spielman acknowledged. “But these virtues are best kept hidden until after one is elected. The non-Muslims who will be paying Sayed’s proposed jizya tax shouldn’t be warned in advance if he wants to get their votes.”

The candidate disagreed with Spielman’s advice and pointed out that “when I’m governor each person who converts to Islam will get a 100% tax reduction. No other candidate has made such a generous offer of tax relief. I am confident that the personal monetary benefits for converts under my program will propel me to victory when the ballots are cast and counted.”

Meanwhile in Minnesota, an investigation has revealed that Somalian refugees are scamming the state’s generous welfare benefits and sending suitcases full of cash back home. In the past year an estimated $100 million has made this journey. Government welfare bureaucrats say “our hands are tied. The law entitles refugees to claim benefits and we have no control over how this money is spent after we give it to them. In fact, it could be said that the investigation exposing the transfer of this money out of the country is an invasion of the recipients’ privacy and unnecessarily upsetting to taxpayers who previously were blissfully ignorant of the whole scheme.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Donations to Inaugural Called “Suspicious” by Mueller

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.”

“What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said. “Was there some sort of covert agreement for granting access or favors? At the very least it fails to pass the FBI’s ‘smell test.’”

“On top of this, there is negative impact of diverting funds that are needed to support Democratic causes,” Mueller added. “With less coming in from these traditional sources there will be less money to support the extensive workforce of the progressive side of our political system. Combined with their lessened access to public monies than when President Obama controlled who got federal aid, the very viability of these organizations is imperiled. Clearly we have a prima facie case of political bias and malevolence on the part of the Trump Administration. We don’t yet know if this will be the ‘smoking gun’ that brings down the most unqualified man to hold the presidency, but we’re duty-bound to follow this trail to wherever it leads.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) urged Mueller “to sniff out this ‘highway robbery’ of money that rightfully belongs to Democrats like the ‘bulldog’ his career record says he is. He’s got Trump on the run and I can’t wait to see him sink his teeth into his pasty white flesh. It will give Trump a taste of what slaves had to endure when they tried to escape from the plantation.”

In a related case of diverting money from progressives to their right-wing oppressors, the Washington Post slammed FOX News’ Sean Hannity for evicting tenants who fail to pay rent. “Mr. Hannity is a millionaire several times over,” the Post observed. “His need for the rent isn’t as great as his tenants need for a roof over their heads. His insistence on being paid illustrates the inherent cruelty of the private property system he exploits. Thankfully, many leading Democrats are coming around to the idea that the government should control all economic resources so this kind of social injustice can be averted in the future.”

FBI “Mole” Inside Trump Campaign Justified

With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency’s efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action.

“Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation,” Rosenstein alleged. “This would have a ‘chilling’ effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power to protect this country from being taken over by hostile forces.”

“Since the executive branch is currently controlled by what most experienced government personnel regard as a hostile force, it essential that the information requested by Congress remain secret,” the Deputy asserted. “Let me remind everyone that the danger to our government is so severe that a Special Counsel was expressly appointed by me as a last gasp effort to undo the error made by voters in 2016. It would make no sense for me to uncloak the documents requested by Congress just when the Special Counsel is closing in on the usurper-in-chief. I am only carrying out the responsibilities handed to me by Attorney General Sessions when he so judiciously recused himself from the investigation more than a year ago.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey claims that he is immune from prosecution for lying under oath to Congress because “Special Prosecutor Mueller granted me immunity. The lies I told were part of a ‘sting’ operation and, as such, are protected under normal FBI protocols. I know some members of Congress are all huffy about it, but a higher loyalty required it and I would do it again to protect the Agency and America.”

Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws

Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws.

“Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class,” Sanders maintained. “This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be done. The 1947 Taft-Hartley Act granting states the option to decide for themselves whether to allow workers to hold jobs without being compelled to join a union dramatically interfered with America’s progress toward Marx’s vision of a worker’s paradise. Our Bill—the Workplace Democracy Act—will put this country back on the track of ensuring social justice for the proletariat.”

A key provision of the Bill is the elimination of votes by employees on whether they want union representation. Booker explained that “these elections merely grant employers an unwarranted opportunity to campaign against unionization. The question is whether the workers want to be unionized. In place of elections, union organizers will be free to persuade employees to sign a petition in favor of unionization without fear of contradiction by management’s self-serving propaganda.”

Warren touted the Bill’s repeal of rules that bar unions from using compulsory dues to back political candidates, saying that “this infringement on unions’ freedom of speech has hampered them from attaining the kind of political power needed to truly reform our system of government. The current rules restricting the use of these dues to support collective bargaining with the employer for higher wages and better working conditions basically neuters unions as advocates and agitators for social revolution and social justice. Dissenters from the union’s political goals should not be permitted to withhold their dues from these progressive activities.”

While the potential Democratic presidential candidates are promising to give unions more power over employees, aspiring House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is promising to repeal the tax cut passed by Congress in December. “We’re particularly concerned that the Trump tax cut only benefits those who work or invest,” she complained. “It provides nothing for those dependent on government for their daily bread. Even worse, with taxpayers paying less the government’s ability to pay for this bread is endangered. That’s one of the reasons why we’re seeing record low unemployment rates. More people are being forced into the workplace just to support themselves. This is devastating our economy and destroying a traditional way of life for millions of Americans and immigrants.”

Meanwhile, the California State Assembly is currently debating whether to drop Presidents’ Day as a state holiday and replace it with International Socialist Workers Day.

Euroweenies Complain About Trump’s Iran Deal Pullout

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump’s decision to cancel the United States’ participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration.

“For more than 70 years we’ve counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers,” Merkel said. “President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won’t develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is now down the drain.”

Macron says he sees “a parallel with FDR’s refusal to participate in the Munich accord with Germany in 1938. If Hitler had known that America was part of a solid front he never would’ve dared start World War II. Now that the solid front we had facing Iran is gone I shudder to think of the horrors to come.”

Macron also derided Trump’s expectation that Europe should provide for its own defense “as unrealistic. Unlike Americans, we are not violent by nature. We couldn’t defend ourselves in 1940. And that was before we became accustomed to the security provided by American troops on our continent and American nuclear missiles aimed at the Soviet Union.”

The two leaders are reportedly exploring a possible accommodation with Iran. “I think if we can work out a deal that preserves a Frenchman’s right to drink wine and a German’s right to drink beer we can grow beards and pray five times a day,” Macron speculated. “At least the praying will give our citizens more time off from working while we kneel and bow our heads to Allah.”

Merkel suggested that “our substantial and growing refugee population may also serve as a sort of human shield against attack. I can’t really believe that Iran would be willing to kill so many fellow Muslims just to have a shot at killing more Europeans. That may be our ultimate trump card.”

In related news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) bemoaned the recent release of three Americans held hostage by North Korea. “Having American hostages was a key bargaining chip for Kim Jong-un,” Schumer lamented. “Surrendering these chips without compensation gives aid and comfort to our country’s most dangerous enemy—Donald Trump. I can’t believe that Kim would betray the progressive cause so casually. I think it’s a mistake that could have massive repercussions down the road.”

McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments

Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.”

“Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling my charismatic running mate—I effectively handed the job to a man who will go down as the greatest person to ever hold the office.”

“My second proudest moment was when I cast the decisive vote in preventing the Senate from repealing Obamacare,” he added. “My hope is that preserving government’s role in mandating the type and quantity of medical insurance everyone must buy we keep the country on the road toward the kind of comprehensive system only available to veterans in this country and in the more enlightened European countries—like the enveloping and tireless care the United Kingdom’s National Health Service provided Alfie Evans right up to the day he died.”

In related news, The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg contends that “I don’t think anybody in their right mind can point to anything that Trump supposedly has done to benefit African-Americans. To say that he has is what I call ‘The Big Lie.’” Goldberg brushed off statistics indicating that Black unemployment hit a record low last month, saying “Blacks had full employment during slavery. Making Black folks work is a step backward. Now, if Trump had put more white people to work to pay reparations to Black folks like Obama did, then we could respect him.”

CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020

In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.”

“By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project the image that Trump is a racist and fascist,” Lemon said. “The abbreviated snippets of Trump’s words we air followed by lengthy analyses by our CNN panel of experts will portray him as he truly is far better than listening to his disjointed ramblings. This is what the American people demand and need.”

In related news, the editors of New York magazine announced that it will no longer be publishing any articles with a conservative viewpoint. “Socialism is the only legitimate ideology,” they wrote. “It makes no sense to try to deny it and foist off the discredited views of the right as somehow entitled to play a role in shaping the nation’s future.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FBI Claims Powers to Conduct Secret Investigations, Lie & Intimidate

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week in the case against former Trump associate Paul Manafort, Special Counsel Robert Mueller argued that U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis’s complaint that he was lied to “evinces a stunning ignorance of FBI procedures. Previous court decisions have clearly established that we have the right to lie if that is what’s necessary to trap a guilty party.”

Mueller also defended pressuring witnesses and suspects. “We have immense resources at our disposal compared to the more limited means of those we are targeting,” Mueller pointed out. “Even if we have no evidence or any chance of convicting someone of any crime, the Agency has often found that persistent and seemingly endless harassment can yield compliance with our wishes. We want Manafort to testify against Trump. Threatening him with secret evidence and expensive legal procedures is an invaluable weapon in our crusade against the most unfit person to ever hold the presidency.”

Judge Ellis, though, wasn’t buying Mueller’s argument and demanded to “see the document authorizing your investigation. The charges alleged against Manafort predate his role in Trump’s campaign by a decade. It strikes me as improbable that his prosecution fits within the scope of your mandate. Neither the American people nor the US Constitution abides the kind of unfettered power the Special Counsel seems to be claiming for himself.” Ellis gave Mueller two weeks to produce an unredacted copy of the letter from DOJ Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein that authorized Mueller’s investigation.

Meanwhile, Rosenstein is having his own confrontation with the House Intelligence Committee’s demands to see unredacted copies of his instructions to Mueller, which he labeled “attempted obstruction of our investigation. Special Counsel Mueller must remain unfettered by any outside interference with his probe into the sketchy behaviors of Trump and his henchmen.”

Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) labeled Rosenstein’s defiance “an impeachable offense. Congress is held responsible for oversight of government operations and activities. To exercise this oversight we must have information. The desire of Mr. Rosenstein to keep certain matters secret doesn’t override the congressional obligation to oversee the FBI’s actions. His insistence that he is entitled to ‘unfettered powers’ is a gross overreach of his authority. In his mind he may think that the ends he seeks justify whatever means he deems are necessary, but that is not what our form of government authorizes.”

In related news, former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s allegation that “higher ups” pressured him to drop the FBI’s investigation of the Clinton Foundation during the 2016 election campaign spurred House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) to write a letter to Attorney General Jeff Sessions requesting that the DOJ open an investigation into this allegation. “The findings of the Inspector General’s report, then-FBI Director James Comey’s premature exoneration of Secretary Clinton for her illegal abuse of the email system, and the FBI’s use of a Democrat-funded opposition-research ‘dossier’ to dupe the FISA Court into allowing it to spy on the Republican campaign—establish a pattern of illegal interference in the 2016 presidential election,” Goodlatte wrote. “We cannot ignore these crimes if we want to preserve a system of government where the people freely choose who will govern on their behalf.”

Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”

The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”

Schumer expressed his “fear that this information could be used to cancel programs people have become dependent upon. Just because the costs seem inordinately high or the results extraordinarily meager doesn’t mean that real people wouldn’t be hurt by the elimination, reduction, or reform of programs whose metrics indicate a bad return on our investment.”

“And let’s not forget that even a wasteful program still employs thousands of government employs to administer it,” the Senator reminded. “Shifting funds elsewhere or giving taxpayers back more of their money would have traumatic impacts on these employees. Is it humane or ethical for us to consider inflicting these punishments just to save a little money? I think the kind of information this legislation would put into the hands of voters could ignite consequences I, for one, shudder to contemplate.”

Dems Propose Socialism as Cure for US Prosperity

While Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) was first out of the gate for the 2020 presidential election with a proposal to give everyone who wants or needs a job a $15 per hour spot on a federal government payroll, other hopefuls are signing on to the idea. A poll indicating that 46% of potential voters like the idea has inspired imitators.

Sens. Corey Booker (D-NJ) and Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) eagerly endorsed the idea. “I think it’s a good start on the road to an economy where everyone basically works for the government,” Booker said. “Then we could ensure that everyone gets what they deserve and resources are allocated by collective decision making.” “It would be a refreshing change from the materialistic greed fostered by private enterprise,” Gillibrand predicted. “Count me in.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, citing the Democrats’ enthusiasm for socialism as yet another reason why she lost to Trump, made plans to get to the left of her rivals on this issue. “It’s all very well to promise that people will get jobs if they want them, but what about those who need, but don’t want jobs?” she wondered. “The collective well being of society mandates that every person assume a role that best assists the welfare of the whole. I think we should consider work gangs for critical infrastructure projects, collective farms for our Latino immigrants, and labor camps for those who require ideological reeducation. Let’s not forget that an industrially backward Russia was built into a superpower using these types of aggressive motivational tools.”

Sanders countered critics’ estimates that his plan would cost at least $500 billion per year assuming that only those currently without jobs signed up for his program. “The $15 per hour plus health benefits is just a ballpark figure,” he insisted. “Payments could also be made in-kind. We could provide dormitories as housing. Meals could be served in cafeterias. All medical care could be provided by government doctors. I saw such things work on my many vacations to the Soviet Union before counterrevolutionaries tore down that great human experiment.”

In related news, the great human experiment of public education in the United States hasn’t been faring well of late. According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress test results released by the U.S. Department of Education, 65% of eighth graders are not proficient in reading and 67% are not proficient in math. Lily Eskelsen García, president of the National Education Association, rejected the findings, calling them “irrelevant for the world in which our students will grow up to live in. All the information people need can be provided to them via TV, videos, and cell phones. The arcane skills of reading and calculating are no longer needed to live a full life. To continue to expect children to master them is just as senseless as expecting them to know how to ride horses or harvest crops. The important thing is to ensure that public school budgets are robust and that teachers get regular raises.”

Dick’s Lobbies for Gun Control

Unsatisfied that its own decision to stop selling rifles to those younger than 21 years of age sufficiently addresses the company’s concerns about gun safety, Dick’s Sporting Goods has hired Glover Park Group, a DC-based government affairs firm, to lobby Congress for more gun control laws.

CEO Edward Stack complained that “it’s unfair that our firm has to totally bear the brunt of lessened sales of these weapons. As it stands now, our heroic and unselfish refusal to sell rifles to people who shouldn’t be allowed to have them merely sends people to our competitors to buy them. This hurts our profits while augmenting the profits of our irresponsible rivals. This is egregiously unfair.”

“When the government wanted to curb alcoholism it didn’t rely on businesses to voluntarily refrain from selling liquor,” Stack pointed out. “It outlawed sales by all businesses. All we are seeking here is a similar leveling of the playing field. If Congress were to ban every store and individual from selling these dangerous weapons it would not only have a better chance of reducing gun violence, it would also treat responsible businesses more fairly.”

Maxine Raps Kanye

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) called rapper Kanye West’s recent favorable comments about President Trump “deeply disturbing. Polls already show that Trump’s popularity with Black males has doubled over the last week. This is destabilizing the Black community and causing many to doubt the roles assigned to them by the Democratic Party.”

“By breaking ranks with Black leaders, Kanye is venturing into territory he shouldn’t,” the Congresswoman asserted. “He has no expertise in politics. If he wants to speak on the topic he should clear what he wants to say with those of us who do have expertise. We will give him the assistance he needs to help him formulate his thoughts so he can stay safe and healthy.”

Waters isn’t the only one upset by Kanye’s attempt to leave the plantation without permission. Fellow rapper Daz Dillinger called for the Los Angeles Crips—a criminal organization engaged in racketeering, extortion, robbery and murder—to “F*** Kanye up.” Detroit hip-hop station 105.1, “The Bounce,” has announced a boycott of Kanye’s music “until he gets his head straight.”

In related news, Waters urged Trump to resign “so I don’t have to keep fighting for his impeachment. For him to continue to impose this burden on me is racist.” Despite her tiresome efforts to goad her legislative colleagues into impeaching President Trump, the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has named Waters “one of the nation’s most corrupt members of Congress.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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