By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A letter to Defense Secretary James Mattis from House Armed Services Committee Democrats Reps. Anthony Brown (Md), Robert Brady (Pa), Susan Davis (Calif), Jackie Speier (Calif), Beto O’Rourke (Texas), Donald Norcross (NJ), Ruben Gallego (Ariz) and Salud Carbajal (Calif) chastised the Pentagon for its “lack of a proper gay pride celebration.”

Annual homosexual pride celebrations at the Pentagon started in 2011 during the Obama Administration after the president abolished the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy toward homosexuals in the military that had existed since Clinton era. This year’s homosexual pride event lacked participation by top level brass. Only Army Sgt. Maj. Daniel Dailey and Vee Penrod, acting secretary for manpower and reserve affairs attended.

The letter complained that “the lack of visible approval by top leaders undermines the gains championed by President Obama. The absence of demonstrative support from DOD leadership at events like these can have the effect of isolating our LGBT service members and employees.”

The House Democrats were incensed by Mattis’ response saying that “our job is to defend this country from its enemies. Training and retaining troops that are willing and able to perform this vital mission is our primary concern. The attention and efforts of our leadership is focused on this concern. Whether a soldier is gay or not isn’t relevant to the success of our primary mission.”

Rep. Brown called Mattis’ response “insensitive and insolent. It is not for him to decide whether the standards set by former President Obama for celebrating diversity aren’t relevant to the military mission. It is his duty to obey the civilian authorities and implement the priorities we have chosen. A focus on battlefield proficiency cannot be permitted to trample the social objectives President Obama mandated.” Unfortunately for Brown’s argument, Mattis is following current President Trump’s order to improve the fighting strength of US armed forces.

In related homosexual news, after a nationwide manhunt, a Canadian man named Bill Whatcott is facing up to two years in prison for handing out pamphlets warning of the health risks of anal sex at a homosexual pride rally in 2016. Toronto prosecutor Herman Butz said “the apprehension of this dangerous criminal is a major coup for the Trudeau Administration. The health risks of homosexuals is none of Mr. Whatcott’s concern. Reminding homosexuals of these risks at their festive celebration was offensive. In the bigger picture, the fate of Mr. Whatcott is inconsequential. The government has to make an example of him to deter others from engaging in this kind of hate speech against a protected group.”

Congresswoman Complains of Harassment

Earlier this week, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) praised mobs that drove a couple of Trump Administration officials from a restaurant and movie theater. She urged more of this “mob justice,” saying “if you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere!” Now she is claiming to fear for her life after her statement urging crowds to harass Trump and his supporters inspired some Trump supporters to harass her—including a crowd outside her palatial estate chanting “no peace, no sleep.”

“I called for the people to exercise their constitutional right to drive Trump supporters from public places,” Waters said. “Public places belong to the people. Trump supporters—members of his cabinet and voters—have no right to enter these places if the people forbid it. Trump and his minions are the fascists that are tyrannizing this country. The people have a right to resist this by any means necessary. The fascists harassing me are usurping a power that is not their prerogative.”

Over at CNN, commentator Angela Rye bristled at contentions by fellow Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer that Waters’ efforts to incite mobs to harass Trump Administration officials were “uncivil” and “un-American.” “Democrats don’t have the votes to stop Trump in Congress,” Rye pointed out. “Taking it to the streets, as Maxine urged, is the only viable strategy. Opposition to this strategy conceived and articulated by a Black woman is racist.” The Congressional Black Caucus expressed similar sentiments.

Studies Find Criminal Behavior Explains Crime Stats

Leftist politicians cite the disproportionate ratio of Blacks among the criminal population as “evidence” of racism among law-enforcement personnel. Two recent studies undermine this contention.

One study by professors from Michigan State and Arizona State universities– “Is There Evidence of Racial Disparity in Police Use of Deadly Force?”–analyzed officer-involved fatal shootings in 2015 and 2016. This study found that the higher rates of Blacks getting shot by cops matched the higher rates of Blacks engaging in criminal behavior. A second study done by Harvard economist Roland G. Fryer Jr. found that police officers were more reluctant to use deadly force against Black suspects. According to crime statistics, Blacks account for 62% of robberies, 45% of assaults, and 57% of murders. This is despite Blacks comprising less than 13% of the population.

Black Lives Matter activist Buster Head complained that “these stats don’t account for the millions of Black slaves who were robbed, assaulted, and murdered by their white owners prior to the Civil War. The so-called crimes that Blacks are being arrested for, imprisoned for, or killed for today are better understood as spontaneous efforts at obtaining reparations for those earlier crimes committed against Blacks by whites.” A flaw in Head’s argument is the fact that the majority of the victims of crimes committed by Blacks are Black.

In related news, Simran Jeet Singh, the Henry R. Luce Initiative in Religion in International Affairs Post-Doctoral Fellow at NYU’s Center for Religion and Media, denounced civility, calling it “an attempt to impose white values on persons of color. Discussion and debate are white methods for controlling the decision making process. In other cultures personal combat is deemed a more equitable way of deciding who shall rule. Demanding that persons of color adopt white methods is tyranny.”

Rosenstein Tells a Story

This week, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein testified before the House Oversight Committee where he steadfastly continued to refuse to turn over FBI documents to Congress. He attempted to fend off GOP critics by telling them a “hypothetical” story.

“Suppose there is a patriotic public servant who is trying to defend the nation against a dangerous person who is seeking to seize control of the U.S. Government,” Rosenstein suggested. “Wouldn’t we want that public servant to use whatever means are necessary to achieve this objective? Suppose one of the means chosen was infiltrating informers into the inner circle of this dangerous man? Suppose concocting information that would discredit this man were deployed? Would we really want this public servant to reveal the content of the documents that were used to organize these extraordinary efforts to save the country from this dangerous man? Would we really want to expose the identities of other patriotic public servants who assisted in the effort to save the country? Well, that is precisely what Mr. Nunes, Gowdy, et al are demanding that I do. I must refuse.”

Rosenstein went on to characterize his approach as “more merciful than some others in the FBI who pushed for the more permanent solution of simply physically neutralizing the threat. If that view had prevailed I or some other Department of Justice attorney would still be sitting here refusing to turn over documents and name names, but Donald Trump would be dead. Shouldn’t the Committee be grateful that my more measured course was able to prevail? At this late date, does the Committee really want to push the FBI to take the simple solution to protect itself? Wouldn’t it be better to let the current process for ousting the dangerous man work its way to a more peaceful resolution?”

Thoroughly disgusted, Committee Chairman Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) gave Rosenstein another extension of the deadline by which he is asked to turn over the requested documents and threatened impeachment if the documents aren’t delivered. A defiant Rosenstein later told staffers that “we will never yield to this congressional POS,” mocked the threatened impeachment as “a pipe dream that they’ll never get the two-thirds of the Senate needed to convict,” and offered to bet anyone $10,000 that “Trump will be impeached before I am.”

Meanwhile, over in the House Judiciary Committee, FBI anti-Trump conspirator Peter Strzok dodged questions related to his text message promising fellow conspirator Lisa Page that “we will stop him” (meaning stop Trump from becoming president), insisting that “it was just one of the many lies I told her to get into her pants” and asserted that “my hatred of Trump played no part in my role as lead investigator of both him and Secretary Clinton.” Strzok additionally maintained that “national security prohibits me from disclosing any details about the alleged FBI animus against Mr. Trump or the confidential efforts underway to save America from this monster.”

Bill Clinton Assails Trump

Former President Bill Clinton took the occasion of his appearance on The Daily Show to assail President Trump for “pouring poison down the country’s throat.” The issue that inspired Clinton’s reemergence on the political scene was immigration.

“It started before he was elected when he criticized the Obama Administration for letting too many criminals into the country,” he said. “Sure, some of these immigrants rape and murder Americans, but not all of them do. And blocking criminals from entering America merely shifts the problem south of the border where law-enforcement is less effective in tracking down and apprehending suspects.”

“When I was president the only thing I poured down anyone’s throat was a little bit of semen,” the ex-president smirked. “Monica loved it. She even saved her dress when some of the semen spilled on it. I made her famous. Trump hasn’t made anyone famous except himself. That’s a key difference right there that would win me an election against him if the Constitution didn’t prohibit me from running.”

Dems Warn of Dangerous Prosperity

The federal government’s Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) reports that for the first three months of 2018 U.S. corporations have repatriated over $300 billion in profits earned in foreign countries. This compares to $35 billion for the same quarter of the previous year. The surge in incoming money was attributed to the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act passed late in 2017. These economic results were a matter of major concern to Democrats.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) ominously warned of “the danger this kind of runaway prosperity represents to civilization. This ugly turn undermines the progress former President Obama made toward getting Americans used to more modest ways of living. It fuels materialism and diverts people from the sacrifices needed for sustainability.”

Former President Barack Obama concurred with Pelosi’s assessment and advised Democrats “to get out and vote against what Trump is doing to the country. Combined with the surge in job openings that has already occurred, the ballooning profits of the economy will dramatically change incentives and opportunities across a broad swath. More individuals will be forced off of welfare and into jobs. Not only will this diminish the leisure time of millions it will also hack away at the jobs of public servants who administer these vital programs. The delicate stasis I worked so hard to establish will be blown away by a prosperity that we don’t deserve and will be difficult to undo even if Democrats retake control of government.”

Film propagandist Michael Moore called for “the masses to put their bodies on the line to stop Trump” and recommended they see his upcoming movie “Fahrenheit 11/9, which details the sinister plan of the Trump Administration to turn every American into a soulless millionaire. When workers are poor they are united and motivated to build socialism. But if Trump makes everyone rich he will destroy that solidarity and possibly put socialism out of reach in this country for generations.”

In related news, Sen. Richard Pan (D-Sacramento) has introduced a bill that would empower the State Attorney General to establish a “Ministry of Truth” to monitor social and other media and stamp out statements the government determines are false. “As it stands now, anyone can say whatever they want over any medium they choose,” Pan complained. “This creates a cacophony of unverified assertions. My bill would authorize the Attorney General to prosecute persons who say, send, or post statements that, in his judgment, are untrue. This will help heal the divisions in society by imposing a common set of facts that everyone can rely upon.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In documents recently released under the Freedom of Information Act, Judicial Watch found that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was actively colluding with the IRS to harm the TEA Party groups that he mendaciously courted in his successful 2010 reelection bid. These groups are believed to have played a significant role in Republicans capturing a majority in Congress.

A Democratic majority in both Houses of Congress enabled the passage of the Affordable Care Act (which came to be known as Obamacare) on a straight party line vote in late 2009. The loss of this majority constituted a serious impediment to the further socialistic agenda President Obama had planned on to transform America. In response, Obama sought a way to hamstring future TEA Party opposition. The scheme he settled on was to have Lois Lerner, the IRS Director of Exempt Organizations, punish conservative groups.

McCain assigned his staff director and chief counsel on the Senate Homeland Security Permanent Subcommittee, Henry Kerner to liaise with Lerner on this punitive effort. It was Kerner who suggested that the IRS tie down these conservative organizations by conducting “financially ruinous audits.” This is, in fact, the strategy Lerner employed—hitting conservative groups with onerous and unending demands for documents she did not require from liberal groups seeking the same tax-exempt status.

The documents released to Judicial Watch contradict McCain’s repeated assertions that suspicion surrounding his possible involvement were false. “The whole matter was looked into by FBI Director James Comey who found no evidence of any discriminatory treatment and no crime worthy of indictment,” McCain said. “The audits suggested by Henry were within the scope of Ms. Lerner’s authority. The selection of who to audit was up to her. The IRS harassing political opponents with red tape has been a well-established practice since the days of FDR. I am no more guilty of abuse of power than he was.”

ACLU Position on Free Speech “Evolving”

The American Civil Liberties Union is reexamining its long-standing position in favor of freedom of speech. Spokesman Bertram Petty explained that “in the past the biggest threat to freedom of speech came from the government trying to silence advocates of socialist and communist solutions to public problems. Now that socialist and communist principles form an important part of the guidance for government activities in the United States it is no longer clear that freedom of speech to attack policies based on these ideas is worthy of our support.”

“For example, a knee-jerk defense of freedom of speech would compel the ACLU to defend the enemies of progressive values from being shouted down by college students defending their right to not have to tolerate attacks on these values,” Petty said. “Thankfully, most universities are run by enlightened progressives who have cleansed their institutions of incorrect thinking. The ACLU should not be thwarting that progress by insisting on the perpetuation of archaic notions more suited to a bygone era when reactionary views ruled the world.”

“The very idea that everyone’s words are entitled to an airing overlooks the danger that an unbending allegiance to freedom poses to the social advancement prophesied by Karl Marx,” Petty continued. “The emergence of revolutionary expressions of political ideas that lead to the kinds of direct action that unleash the destruction of the property and persons who oppress the masses is the new freedom of expression that our organization should be championing as we enter the end stage of a civilization transitioning to full communism.”

In related news, University of Pennsylvania law professor Amy Wax was ousted from her teaching position for espousing “bourgeois values.” These values included a belief in grading students based on performance without regard to their race. She had previously won an award for teaching excellence, for which Dean Theodore Ruger apologized, saying “that was before we were aware of her nonconforming political opinions.”

Dems Assail Trump Immigration Compromise

After a week of hounding President Trump for continuing former President Obama’s occasional practice of separating the children of illegal immigrants from their parents, they now are howling over his executive order allowing these children to stay with their parents in detention centers.

Aspiring 2020 presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) called Trump’s effort to keep immigrant children with their parents “inhumane. When we demanded that children and parents not be separated it was our hope that both would be released. ICE could give the parents instructions to return for a court hearing on whether they can stay and release them from custody.”

What Harris demands is the infamous “catch and release” option that was frequently used during the later years of the Obama Administration. The flaw in this approach was that hardly any of these illegal immigrants show up for their court date. Nevertheless, Harris professed herself “unconcerned. Wanting a better life shouldn’t be illegal. The benefits available in the countries these immigrants are fleeing are minimal to nonexistent. Their governments expect these people to take care of themselves. Here the government will ensure that they are fed, housed, healthy and educated. Coming here is smart. We shouldn’t be punishing people who make the effort to grab the benefits America has to offer. Welfare shouldn’t be restricted to only those lucky enough to be born here.”

Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) has filed suit against Trump’s executive order claiming “it is illegal. The Ninth Circuit Court already ruled that detaining children for more than 20 days is not permitted. Trump’s order violates that by allowing detention for an indefinite period while the parents’ case is being adjudicated. The only legal option is ‘catch and release.’”

“Adjudication” is only necessary for the 85% of the illegal immigrants who are claiming “refugee” status, i.e., alleging that they face a serious threat to their health and/or safety if they stay in their country of origin. While this claim may be true, the reservoir of persons living in countries that threaten their health and safety is in the billions. Rich as America is, there is no way it can support the hordes that would crash our borders if the Democrats’ open border policy prevails.

While leading Democrats are adamant that these illegal immigrants have a right to live in the United States, they are not so eager to have them live in their neighborhoods. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has already expressed fear that the immigrants bused to his city “may be infested with lice and bed bugs.”

How the Democrats’ posturing on this issue will affect their chances in the November elections remains to be seen. Polls show that only 30% of Democrat voters support the “catch and release” option, while 49% favor the approach laid out in Trump’s executive order. Whether the Party’s media allies will be able to generate propaganda sufficiently persuasive to overcome this deficit is unknown.

Meanwhile in Mexico, presidential candidate Andrés Manuel López Obrador declared free migration a human right and vowed to “send tens of millions more north after I am elected to take back the land stolen from us by Yankee aggression in the 1800s.”

In related news, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei condemned Trump’s immigration policies, calling them “malicious” and praised “the UN’s decision to expel the United States from its Human Rights Commission.” Meanwhile, Khamenei profusely praised the Iranian Guidance Patrol’s vigilance after they viciously beat a handful of burka-clad girls for dancing at their graduation ceremony.

Peter Fonda Goes on Rant

With a new movie coming out this weekend, old actor Peter Fonda tried to generate some publicity by injecting himself into the immigration controversy via a string of tweets.

In one, he suggested that President Trump’s 12-year-old son should be kidnapped and put in a cage with pedophiles. In another, he suggested that Homeland Security Secretary Kristjen Neilsen should be striped naked and whipped by passersby in Lafayette Square. In another, he suggested that hackers should obtain the names and addresses of ICE employees and publish them so activists could terrorize them and their children “to scare the shit out of them.”

Later, Fonda issued an apology for his “inappropriate and vulgar” remarks, blaming the late hour (one to three AM) and “some really bad weed” for his outbursts.

Not everyone was aware that Fonda had apologized and called off his jihad against Trump. A female Congressional intern shouted “f*ck you” to President Trump as he walked to the Capitol to confer with Republicans on the immigration issue. And the actor formerly known as Mr. Roseanne Barr announced plans to taunt the President’s son outside his school.

DC Infested with Psychopaths

A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation’s highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.

“The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country,” Murphy observed. He speculated that “psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being.”

Democratic National Committee Chairman Thomas Perez belittled the possibility that the study findings might harm his party’s chances in future elections because “very few voters will be aware of this study. The media won’t publicize it. It is more likely that Professor Murphy will be denied tenure. That would undermine his credibility and discourage any other eggheads from considering any follow-up work on the topic. So, I think our drive to expand and centralize government power in Washington will remain on track.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After a thorough reading of the summary section of the Department of Justice Inspector General’s Report, former FBI Director James Comey announced that “it clears me of all potential charges. I respect the DOJ IG office, which is why I urged them to do this review.”

“I think with the passage of time historians and the general public will gain an appreciation for the unprecedented situation the FBI had to face,” Comey added. “On the one hand, we had a presidential candidate who played fast-and-loose with a number of federal rules and regulations presenting us in the FBI with a daunting conundrum. On the other hand, the most dangerous person to ever seek the presidency was contesting her right to take her turn as president. The pressure on me was extraordinary.”

“I did the best I could to try to remedy the dilemma,” Comey continued. “My artful characterization of the violations committed by Secretary Clinton removed the risk that her campaign would be derailed by a criminal indictment. I thought the insertion of informants into the Trump campaign and stepped up surveillance would be sufficient to ensure his defeat. All the polls showed that he would be defeated. But there were more deplorable voters than anyone imagined and they were located in enough strategic states for Trump to win.”

“Even after the shocking election outcome I didn’t give up,” Comey boasted. “My leak of classified info to the media opened the door for the appointment of a Special Counsel to carry on the fight. I was pleased to see that my good friend Robert Mueller was named to the job. He’s one bad hombre and totally dedicated to the FBI. One time he let four innocent men spend more than a decade in jail just to protect the identity of an important FBI informant. I’m confident he’ll do whatever it takes to undo the election of the usurper.”

DOJ IG Report Confirms FBI Crimes

The long awaited Department of Justice Inspector General’s report was released this week. The content of the report revealed FBI actions that cast a dark stain on the Agency’s reputation. The primary focus of the report was the original investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unauthorized use of a non-secure personal email system to conduct official government business. While that investigation uncovered numerous violations of federal laws and regulations—including transmitting classified material, deleting government records, destroying subpoenaed evidence, and lying to the FBI—the then FBI Director, James Comey, declined to forward the case for possible prosecution because “tainting the reputation of the person who was going to be our next president would have done irreparable damage to the country.”

The IG Report included a number of text messages from FBI agents to each other denigrating Trump and his supporters as “ignorant low-lifes” and vowing to prevent these people from “overthrowing our government.” Not only did FBI agents voice political opinions opposed to the election of Trump, they were also engaged in a covert operation to sabotage his candidacy by infiltrating spies into his campaign and using a bogus “dossier” to dupe the FISA Court into okaying an unprecedented surveillance of a presidential candidate during an election. Nevertheless, the IG declared “there was no evidence that bias influenced the FBI’s actions.”

IG Michael Horowitz explained that “considering that the Agency could have simply assassinated Mr. Trump, yet neglected to take that option showed a degree of restraint that contradicted the verbal animosity displayed in the text messages. I think the ineffectiveness of the strategies they did take to try to prevent Trump’s election pushes their meddling into the ‘no harm, no foul’ category. The real damage done to the FBI’s reputation stems from the extensive trail of communications detailing the scheme. That’s why we’ve recommended that all DOJ personnel go through more intensive training to learn how to better conceal their biases when writing texts and emails.”

Current FBI Director Christopher Wray accepted the recommendation for bias training, but hastened to point out that “the FBI’s unprofessional behavior over the past two years has come at a time of unusual stress. Yes, Comey and McCabe lied under oath. Yes, Rosenstein signed off on the surveillance initiated via the unverified dossier. Technically, what they did is not strictly legal and falls outside of normal Agency procedures. But as my guys told Congressman Gowdy last week, it was the proper thing to do, it was what the American people would’ve wanted the FBI to do if they had access to the same information we did. Not only do the American people owe these men a debt of gratitude, they also owe them the benefit of the doubt for any missteps they may have made along the way.”

The IG Report also indicated that there were 300 documented instances of illegal leaks by FBI personnel. In a number of these instances the leakers received bribes from favored media outlets in exchange for the leaked information. Wray asserted that “the implication that vital confidential information was sold to the highest bidders wasn’t always the case. Many of these leaks were aimed at inducing the media to report false or misleading stories. This is a standard FBI practice to help throw enemies off the trail of truly vital and confidential information. Accepting a bribe helps convince the leak recipients that the leaked material is genuine.”

Meanwhile, Clinton denounced Comey’s hypocrisy after learning from the IG Report that he also had an unauthorized private email system that he used for some FBI communications. “The double-standards of this man are truly disgusting,” she fumed. “That he would publicly ding me as ‘extraordinarily careless’ for doing the same thing he was doing was so unfair. I suppose he will claim that he didn’t intend to break the law. How credible is that? He’s been a US Attorney for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t he be held to a higher standard?”

In related news, it turns out that Clinton’s destruction of documentary evidence may have been part of a wider pattern during the Obama Administration. National Archives librarian David Ferriero recently discovered that tens of thousands of government records are missing. Ferriero named former President Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, former Attorney General Lynch and several EPA officials as the most frequent offenders.

Mueller Seeks to Withhold Evidence

One of the basic foundations of justice is that the accused has the right to see the evidence against him. One of the subterfuges of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election was his indictment of 13 foreign entities reputed to have used the Internet to inject anti-Clinton memes into the campaign. Lawyers for one of these entities showed up to answer the indictment and demanded to see the evidence against their client.

Initially, Mueller pleaded for more time. The presiding judge denied an extension under the grounds that “an indictment surely wouldn’t be filed without some evidence against the defendant who is entitled to see what crime he is being accused of commiting.” Mueller now claims that revealing the evidence “poses a serious risk to national security.”

“The norms arising from the Bill of Rights need to be balanced against the more important objective of protecting the United States from hostile foreign actors,” Mueller said. “This is especially the case when the accused is not an American citizen. The leverage we hold over all the defendants in these 13 indictments would be undermined if we are forced to show our evidence before we have their signed confessions. The matter of guilt is not an issue. The defendants know better than we do what they did. The sooner they admit their crimes, the sooner we can resolve this case.”

In his argument for withholding evidence, Mueller pointed out that “in Russia untold numbers of defendants have been convicted, imprisoned, or even executed using secret evidence. Since the defendants I have indicted are based in Russia I see no reason why that country’s standards should not be applied to them in my case.”

Foreigners meddling in another country’s elections is not a rare phenomenon. The CIA has meddled in more than 80 foreign elections since the end of World War II. In the March 2015 Israeli election President Obama sent $350,000 of US taxpayers’ money to groups opposing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Since the meddling Mueller is alleging here involved Internet posts that could, and likely were, initiated from outside the US, the practicality of attempting to prosecute the “meddlers” seems dubious. Likewise, distinguishing between meddling and protected freedom of speech (which also applies to non-citizens) might be impossible.

Celebs Assail Trump

This week actor Robert De Niro wowed the audience at the annual Tony Awards with what many are characterizing as “the most powerful, elegant, and irrefutable argument against the Trump agenda ever uttered by anyone.” De Niro’s brief message consisted of two simple words: “F*ck Trump.” The audience gave him a standing ovation.

Tom Perez, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee called De Niro’s statement “simple, but remarkably brilliant. I don’t know why no one else thought of it before now. If we had used this insight back in the 2016 campaign the horrible outcome could’ve been averted. All is not lost, though. If we can work this thought into our 2018 election message I believe we can take back the majority in Congress.”

Meanwhile, fellow celebrity genius Alec Baldwin predicted he will defeat Trump in the 2020 presidential race. “Everyone tells me my impression of Trump is spot on,” Baldwin bragged. “Given a choice between a TV reality show Trump and a Trump portrayed by a highly skilled actor like myself I’m confident that most of the boobs that voted for Trump in 2016 will switch to vote for me in 2020.”

Unfortunately for Baldwin, former President Barack Obama neglected to include him in the roster of contenders for the 2020 Democratic nomination. “The flaw in Alec’s logic is that by the time 2020 rolls around the whole country will be so sick of Trump that even his impersonators will be persona au gratin to the average voter,” Obama said. “The Party needs a fresh face with new ideas. Of the nine potential nominees I’ve examined so far, the one that stands out is Sen. Warren. Her ‘eat the rich’ proposal evinces the kind of revolutionary zeal required to carry on the transformation I envision for America.”

Dems May Try to Acquire Nukes

Saying she was impressed with “Kim’s ability to wrap Trump around his finger,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi attributed it to “having a nuclear bomb in his pocket,” and vowed that the Democratic Party will “seek ways of acquiring one or more similar devices to give us more punch in our negotiations with the President.”

Characterizing the recent Singapore summit between Kim and Trump as “as horrible a ‘deal’ as one could imagine,” Pelosi ticked-off the highlights of what she insisted was “a net loss for America and the world. First, Trump shook Kim’s hand. This show of manners to a brutal dictator was totally uncalled for. Second, the US and Korean flags were standing side-by-side—implying a repulsive equality that no previous president would ever have tolerated. Third, Trump discontinued US and South Korean military maneuvers for the time being. Fourth, Trump promised to assist North Korea improve its economy in exchange for denuclearization.”

The Minority Leader expressed pessimism over the ultimate results of Trump’s negotiation with Kim contending that “its deviation from the bribery policy that has worked so well since the 1990s is a serious error that could prove costly. Nonetheless, though America may suffer from Trump’s blunder it has opened our eyes to the best way for dealing with Trump. We have some contacts with Uranium One and may be able to work out an arrangement with Iran—another ally cultivated by President Obama—to develop ore into a viable weapon for us to use against Trump going forward.”

Pelosi wasn’t the only one to find fault with Trump’s summit behavior. CNN’s Jim Acosta was so upset over being excluded from the one-on-one meeting between Trump and Kim that he had a fit in which he maniacally screeched and threw his own feces at the two leaders. Acosta later told his network colleagues “if they’re not going to let me in the f*cking meeting I had to do something to show them how I felt about that.” Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said “we’d pull his credentials if seeing him make a fool of himself weren’t so funny.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, by a vote of 207-201, the US House of Representatives approved a measure requiring a semi-annual audit of how Special Counsel Robert Mueller is spending the taxpayers’ money. Thus far, Mueller’s investigation of possible collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign has admitted running through nearly $17 million in total, but no itemization has been provided.

Sponsor of the measure, Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), defended it, saying that “a special counsel’s work is important, but they should not be able to spend taxpayer dollars without accountability. Americans need to know where their money is going.”

Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio), ranking member of the House appropriations subcommittee characterized the measure as “an attempt to obstruct justice. There may be good reasons for keeping the particulars of the Special Counsel’s spending secret. Whatever progress has been made in the whole FBI investigation has depended upon covert operations to insert informants into the Trump campaign, to obtain FISA Court approval to intercept Trump’s communications, and to aggressively deploy redactions of federal documents specifically to block congressional interference. The GOP’s audit scheme could unravel two years of painstaking efforts by the intelligence community to try to protect our government from falling into the wrong hands.”

In related news, the onset of the FBI scheme to spy on the Trump campaign in now revealed to have occurred in December of 2015. A text message sent by counterintelligence agent Peter Strzok to then FBI lawyer Lisa Page, mentioned “oconus lures,” which is FBI lingo for overseas spies used to disrupt a targeted operation. In the months following this text the FBI sent Joseph Mifsud into the outer fringe of Trump campaign associates where he was able to plant the claim that Russia had Hillary’s missing emails into the mind of George Papadopoulos. Papadopoulos’ later boast about these emails to the Australian “ambassador” to the UK was then used to help persuade the FISA Court to authorize the FBI to spy on Trump.

Bill Would Require All Guns to Be Licensed by Feds

Illinois Democrats Rep. Bobby Rush and Sen. Tammy Duckworth have introduced a bill that would make it a crime for anyone to own a gun without a federally issued license. The bill is based on the Illinois Firearm Owners Identification card program, which Rush claims “has worked for more than 50 years to prevent gun violence in my state.”

While the touted “success” of the Illinois program seems to be regularly contradicted by the gun fatality statistics in the state’s largest city, Duckworth asserts that we should “imagine how much worse things would’ve been in Chicago without the gun owners ID program” and that we should “imagine how much more effective it could’ve been had it been nationwide rather than confined to a single state.”

Both Rush and Duckworth call their bill a compromise. “In an ideal world there would be no private ownership of guns,” Rush contended. “We would be a lot closer to that ideal if this country hadn’t taken a tragic wrong turn defying the government’s efforts to confiscate private weapons in 1775. The paperwork following an eight-year war embedded an anti-social individualism into our Constitution that has impeded progress toward the more civilized society that Europe has enjoyed in the absence of widespread gun ownership in the 200+ years since we took that wrong turn.”

Key GOP Leaders Say FBI Spying on Trump “Proper”

After a lengthy meeting in which representatives of the FBI met with Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and Senate Intelligence Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) and explained why they had to infiltrate and spy on the Trump campaign, both congressmen agreed “it was the proper thing to do.”

“Before I came to congress I was a prosecutor in South Carolina,” Gowdy said. “There were numerous instances where I worked with the FBI to bring down dangerous criminals. That built a bond of trust that I could rely on in the pursuit of justice. When they told me that they were suspicious of Trump’s connections to Russia and that a covert sting operation was warranted I took them at their word—as I had so many times before.”

“The subsequent lack of evidence for the FBI’s suspicions doesn’t prove that those suspicions weren’t sincere,” Gowdy added. “In hindsight, I suppose we can all breathe a sigh of relief that the suspicions turned out to be unwarranted, but the Agency had to act without the benefit of hindsight to protect this country from a potential external threat. Fortunately, the mucking around they did during the campaign didn’t affect the outcome of the election. I think we let bygones be bygones rather than further tarnish the sterling reputation of this great law-enforcement agency.”

Burr concurred with Gowdy’s assessment and endeavored to address the perception of bias. “Some of my Republican colleagues are upset that Trump was singled out for scrutiny,” he observed. “They want to know why the FBI didn’t similarly monitor the Clinton campaign. They say that tens of millions of dollars from Russian-owned businesses found their way into the Clinton Foundation after the Uranium One deal was approved by Hillary when she was Secretary of State. They say that she mishandled classified communications and destroyed evidence. Well, the FBI did investigate Hillary and found her innocent of all charges. So there was no need to inquire any further after July of 2016.”

Meanwhile, disgraced former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe has demanded immunity from prosecution in exchange for testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee next week. McCabe’s lawyer, Michael Bromwich, insisted that “the immunity request doesn’t mean my client is acknowledging any wrongdoing. It’s just a precaution against someone else using his testimony to construct a case against him. In fact, documents exonerating Mr. McCabe are currently being withheld by the FBI in an attempt to scapegoat him for the misdeeds ordered by former FBI Director James Comey.”

More Jobs than Job Seekers

This month, for the first time since employment statistics have been tracked, there are now more job openings than there are persons seeking employment. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the number of job vacancies for the most recent month were 6.7 million while the number of unemployed persons seeking jobs came in at 6.35 million.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called these statistics “further proof that the Trump Administration’s policies are destroying this country. His tax cuts are provoking businesses to expand their production, but the induced labor shortages will choke off this expansion. It will be an economic catastrophe.”

“Thankfully, voters will have an opportunity to set things on a more stable course this November,” the Minority Leader pointed out. “By electing a Democrat majority to Congress we can pass legislation that will repeal the tax cuts and reestablish the regulatory constraints that allowed the economy to maintain the more sustainable stagnation set in place during the Obama years.”

In a bid to win over a greater share of corporate money to support the election of Democrats, Pelosi suggested that “the job vacancies could be filled at a lower labor cost if we increase immigration. By granting amnesty to the millions already here and by opening the borders to the tens of millions more who want to come to America we could easily fill the 6.7 million vacancies without having to raise wages or disturb the leisure of the millions of Americans who have become accustomed to living freed from the obligation to support themselves.”

In related news, the deregulation and tax cuts pushed by the Trump Administration have enabled the United States to retake the lead as the world’s most competitive economy for 2017. The US’s faster economic growth and a supportive atmosphere for scientific and technological innovation allowed it to knock Hong Kong from the top spot, an achievement that former President Obama lamented, calling it “a reversal of the progress toward an unthreatening mediocrity we made during my eight years in office. Being ‘number one’ puts a target on your back. It’s safer to be in the middle where no one envies you and there is no incentive to try to take you down.”

Europeans Say Increased Iranian Uranium Enrichment OK

European participants in the Obama-arranged “deal” that is supposed to discourage Iran from developing nuclear weapons insist that the country’s stepped up uranium enrichment program does not violate the terms of the agreement.

Maja Kocijancic, spokeswoman for EU diplomatic chief Federica Mogherini, explained that “a careful reading of the terms shows that Iran has only agreed to forego attacking us with nuclear weapons until they are ‘physically able to do so.’ All work on bombs and delivery systems prior to the attainment of this capability are unconstrained by the agreement brokered by former US President Obama and his Secretary of State John Kerry.”

Iran’s nuclear chief, Ali Akbar Salehi, assured European governments that “you will not be annihilated until it becomes feasible. Even then, we will not strike unless it is absolutely necessary. It would be wise for you to use the intervening time to work on removing the necessity. At a minimum, your people must accept submission to our Islamic authority. However, I would advise converting. Only then will your people come under the umbrella of our nuclear protection and enjoy the full rights and privileges of being a part of the Muslim umma.”

Kocijancic thanked Salehi “for your clarification of Iran’s position and your sage advice on how to improve relations between our countries.”

California Enacts Strict Water Rationing

After years of drought, the California Legislature has enacted severe restrictions on household water consumption. Under the new law, by the year 2022 residents in California will be limited to 55 gallons per person, per day. An eight-minute shower uses about 17 gallons. A bath uses about 80 gallons. A load of wash uses about 40 gallons. Each toilet flush uses about 1.5 gallons. Fines for exceeding the daily 55 gallon limit can rise to $10,000 per violation for repeat offenders.

To enforce compliance, the state government will deploy surveillance systems to spy on all residents. Utility providers will be obligated to report on violators, and urban retail water suppliers are expected to use satellite imagery, site visits, or other best available technology to develop an accurate estimate of each person’s water usage. A reward program to encourage neighbors to “rat out” each other is also under consideration.

While many residents wonder how they’ll comply, Gov. Jerry Brown (D) assured them that “it’s not so hard. I often go a week or more between showers. Americans have developed an unreasonable fetish regarding cleanliness. Europeans don’t bathe as often as we do. Yet we regard them as fashionably chic. Just slap on a little more cologne. If you must wash up daily consider showering at the YMCA or go swimming in the ocean.”

“Another trick you can use to conserve water is wait until your toilet is full before flushing,” Brown continued. “I’ve found that by cutting back on dietary fiber I’ve been able to limit flushing to a maximum of once a day and have been able, with the aid of some air freshener to stretch that out to multiple days at a time. You could also use a public restroom in a government building or at a fast food restaurant whenever possible and let someone else bear the expense of disposing of your bodily waste.”

“You know, the real heroes of conservation are the homeless,” Brown contended. “They’ve shown us all that it is possible to live without showering, washing, or flushing. They live more naturally and have a far smaller environmental footprint than their more materialistic neighbors. If more of us were to choose that lifestyle it would solve a lot of our environmental problems.”

Thankfully, the law exempts swimming pools, spas, and fountains. So there is no danger that the state’s more important residents—celebrities, corporate executives, and high-ranking government officials—will be unduly inconvenienced by the rationing scheme.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

News that the Trump Administration has eliminated 24,000 federal government jobs was described as “devastating” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). The cut amounts to less than 1% of the total federal government workforce.

“Taking a ‘meat axe’ approach is destroying the finely tuned machine that kept America humming during the eight years President Obama ran the country. Federal workers are the employees who make the rules that tell everyone else what to do. The loss of so many vital cogs in the machinery of government will no doubt lead to widespread confusion and chaos.”

“Not only will the nation suffer from Trump’s ignorance of how the country works, but the human cost to these hard-working public servants will be severe,” she added. “Unlike the skills needed to thrive in the private sector, the skills of crafting regulations and processing forms are not easily transferable. I wouldn’t be surprised to see thousands of those cut from the federal payroll end up homeless, depressed and drunk…or worse. In the absence of sensible gun control laws how many of these unfortunates will go on killing sprees?”

The former Speaker called on state and local governments “to take up the slack. Thankfully, at the same time Trump has been cutting jobs, states have added 2,000 and local governments 6,000 new positions. This is an encouraging start, but we will need to see at least a tripling of this effort just to break even.”

Meanwhile, in the private sector, the number of employed Americans has set a new high—the 9th such since Trump’s assumption of the presidency. The number of employed men and women set new record highs. Unemployment for Blacks and Hispanics also hit record lows. Unsurprisingly, two-thirds of respondents now say that the economy is strong—a finding that long-time Democratic pollster John Zogby called “a bad omen for our Party in the upcoming November election.”

In related news, Rep. Jacky Rosen (D-Nev) charged that the Trump-designed and Republican-passed tax cut has “unfairly rigged the upcoming Nevada senatorial election against me.” Her complaint relates to the increased take home pay her campaign staff has experienced since the new tax law went into effect. “The extra $400 a month my campaign manager is getting is sapping his enthusiasm and diluting my message to Nevada voters.” Rosen demanded that Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller “add this latest example of collusion between Trump and the GOP-controlled Congress to interfere in the next election to the list of crimes he is investigating.”

2020 Dem Hopeful Slams Trump’s “Immoral” Policies

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) sought to take an early lead for her Party’s 2020 presidential nomination by assailing President Trump’s “immoral” policies. Two specific areas that sparked her anger were Trump’s “cruel insistence on blocking the free migration of people across man-made borders” and his “insane refusal to abolish the weapons of war.”

“People have just as much right as birds do to migrate to places where they have a better chance of surviving and propagating,” Harris argued. “Trump’s wall and ICE goons seek to bar humans from enjoying this basic right. The contention that birds fend for themselves while many of the human migrants end up on public assistance does not strike me as sufficient reason to discriminate. I mean, birds have defecated on my car. No immigrant has ever done this. I think we need to move past the notion of nations and erase the artificial lines that separate us from the rest of the world. This is what President Obama tried to do. I will put us back on that road toward a more harmonious future.”

“Once we abolish our borders there will be no more need for weapons of war,” Harris continued. “If anyone who wants to come here can there will be no need for any nation to attack us. We won’t need to spend billions on armaments every year. The money we save could then be used to provide a more comfortable life for all the immigrants who want to come to America for that very reason.”

Meanwhile, expected presidential rival Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-NY) said she is looking to China “for inspiration on how a country should be governed. At the cost of just a couple of generations of oppression the Communist government now has that country on track to overtake the United States in terms of economic and political power. I think emulating this model is what President Obama had in mind when he promised to transform America. I would be proud to be selected as the person to complete the transformation and cement his legacy for all time.”

Google Says California GOP Are Nazis

The algorithms that Google uses to filter out “fake news” and ensure that its readers get the straight story ended up labeling the California Republican Party’s ideology as “Nazism” in its “search results.” This timely smear comes just a week ahead of the state’s primary elections next Tuesday.

Google CEO Pichai Sundararajan (alias: Sundar Pichai) explained the seeming “snafu” as “a logical end point for the algorithms we coded into our search engine. Historically, the ideologies of Nazism and Communism have been the most vociferous opponents of one another. Since the platform of the California Democratic Party is fundamentally indistinguishable from communism and the Republicans are adamantly opposed to this platform our software deduced that they must be akin to Nazis.”

Google has manually edited their search engine to remove the Nazism tag on the Republicans, but Sundararajan could not guarantee the fix would prevent similar outcomes going forward. “We program a considerable amount of autonomy into our software,” he pointed out. “It has, so to speak, a mind of its own. That mind tends to see things through a progressive prism, as do we in management. This seems right to us and preferable to a forced ‘neutral’ or ‘balanced’ perspective. We will not be bullied by those who demand neutrality or balance. They are free to use other search engines if they choose.”

In other California news, Stockton Mayor Michael Tubbs has plans to pay a stipend of $1,000 to people most likely to shoot someone for each month that they refrain from pulling the trigger. It won’t be a giveaway for just anyone claiming they have murderous impulses. Tubbs insists that “to be eligible you have to have credible bonafides.” These are expected to include prior incarcerations for violent episodes or sufficiently corroborative arrest records.

NY AG Criticizes Trump’s Pardons

New York interim Attorney General Barbara Underwood took issue with President Trump’s recent pardons, saying they “are undermining the rule of law.”

Underwood was particularly aggrieved by Trump’s pardon of conservative commentator Dinesh D’Souza, who was sent to prison for a 2012 illegal campaign contribution. “The fact that Mr. D’Souza was the only person to actually have to spend time in jail for this type of offense was an important example to others who might be tempted to break this law,” she said. “The lengthy list of those who got away with paying fines made it even more important that the stain of a prison sentence remain on his permanent record.”

“Besides, it wasn’t as if D’Souza was some bit player,” Underwood pointed out. “He’s made a couple of high-profile movies defaming both President Obama and Hillary Clinton. The need for former US Attorney General Eric Holder to make a stark example of him was imperative. People who trash high-ranking members of the government must answer for their crimes.”

She also found fault with Trump’s pardon of former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Scooter Libby. “Arpaio took it upon himself to enforce a federal immigration law that neither President Obama nor the federal courts wanted enforced,” she complained. “It is the president’s prerogative to decide which laws will be enforced. To allow any other law enforcement officer to interfere is a formula for anarchy. And Libby was an aide to the loathsome Dick Chenney. If the lackey of such a villain is pardoned the door to tyranny is left wide open.”

Disgraced sexual assaulter, former New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, sent a letter to the state legislature urging them to close a loophole in the state’s double jeopardy law that allows the US President to pardon persons convicted of federal crimes despite the wishes of the NY Attorney General. “We mustn’t permit the federal government to run roughshod over states’ rights,” he wrote. “It is essential that every state have the power to protect itself from dangerous anti-government agitators like D’Souza.”

Obama Says “Right to Try” Bill a “Costly Mistake”

This week President Trump signed the “Right to Try” bill recently passed by Congress. The new law will allow desperately ill patients to employ therapies not yet approved by the FDA. Trump called the bill “a decent and humane option to the current policy that allows patients no option until the glacial pace of the FDA has run its full course. Many have died waiting. This will give them a chance to act at their own risk to try to avert dying.”

Former President Obama predicted “this legislation is a costly mistake. Patients aren’t qualified to assess the risks. Neither are their doctors who have the narrow focus of keeping these individuals alive no matter the cost. Not everyone can be saved. Rather than allowing individuals to grasp at straws we have a system that dispassionately analyzes the risks and rewards on a collective basis. The private resources that are squandered to save the few could be better deployed to the benefit of the many if we allow for a greater government role, as my Affordable Care Act put in place.”

“Offering palliative care to the terminally ill is the progressive solution that puts the well-being of the many ahead of the search for improbable cures for the few,” Obama argued. “Government needs to have the courage to tell these sick individuals that the struggle simply isn’t worth it. We should be generous with pain relief and end-of-life assistance, but we should conserve scarce resources for the growing cohort of immigrants that are making up for the birth shortage among native born Americans. That is the greater good for the greater number.”

Former Watergate Prosecutor: “Mueller Has Good Obstruction Case”

Former Assistant Watergate special prosecutor Jill Wine-Banks contends that “Trump’s repeated public assertions of innocence, by themselves, constitute a clear intent to obstruct the investigation being carried out by Special Prosecutor Mueller. When you add his characterization of the investigation as a ‘witch hunt’ I think we have a ‘slam dunk’ case of attempted intimidation and Mueller should proceed to an indictment of the President without even interviewing him.”

Wine-Banks also cited Trump’s tweets lamenting his appointment of Jeff Session as Attorney General as “further evidence of improper intervention in the process aimed at removing him from office. Sessions has quite wisely opted to step out of the way of the semi-truck barreling toward his boss’ ultimate impeachment. Letting the FBI complete the operation it began in the Spring of 2016 shows that the AG is loyal to the law enforcement process and may save his hide when Trump goes down.”

Wine-Banks defended the FBI’s refusal to turn over documents that could be exculpatory, saying “when you’re running a long-term sting operation secrecy is paramount. The law explicitly allows law enforcement to lie to suspects in order to entrap them into making a mistake that can be used against them. Many murderers and rapists are behind bars as a result of such stratagems. Why shouldn’t they be used against a man whose policies could cause the deaths of millions?”

Meanwhile, in a bid to “heal the damage done by the Trump Administration,” his unsuccessful presidential opponent, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proposed a “compromise that would restore the country to good governance. If the Special Prosecutor negates the November 2016 election and unseats Trump, I will pardon him for any and all crimes he may have committed. Such a blanket absolution would get him out of jail while simultaneously correcting an errant election result.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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