Senator Depressed Over Second Quarter GDP Numbers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

 The announcement that the U.S. economy grew by 4.1 percent for the recently completed quarter sent Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) into a fit of nearly suicidal depression. “If this keeps up it will reverse all the progress achieved by President Obama,” the senator lamented.

During the eight years that Barack Obama was president the GDP averaged an annual growth rate of less than 2 percent and never once reached 3 percent for any of those years—the first time that this has happened during any previous administration since the statistic has been tracked.

Booker attributed the disparate economic growth patterns to “racism and sexism, pure and simple. The same white bigots who refused to invest when a black man was president have come forward to reward the white man who conspired with the Russians to cheat a woman out of her turn to be the nation’s ruler.”

The possibility that differing economic policies could have played a role in the differing outcomes was rejected by the Senator. “A person has to be optimistic about the future in order to invest in businesses that grow the economy,” Booker asserted. “President Obama was a man that everyone I know was supremely optimistic about. The same can’t be said about Trump. Everyone I know hates him and his policies.”

“I think the problem is that the wrong people are being allowed to make investment decisions,” Booker opined. “Trump has undone a lot of the regulations that gave the government the final say on how society’s limited resources were to be used. If we were to examine the details behind the 4.1 percent growth rate we’d find that the wrong products are being produced. So even though unemployment is at historic lows the jobs aren’t contributing to socially desirable outputs. This is not the direction our country should be going.”

The Democrat expressed his confidence that “the upcoming elections will show that voters reject the false prosperity engendered by the Trump Administration. When Democrats regain the majority in Congress we will put a stop to it. We will repeal the tax cuts, reimpose the regulations, and impeach the usurper who tried to impede the fundamental transformation President Obama promised would be his legacy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass)–a projected rival of Booker’s for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination—said she felt sympathy for his depression, but called his approach to getting the country back on track “timid. We can and need to do more than just undo what Trump has done. There was a time in this country when tax rates exceeded 90% of a person’s income. So, I think there’s a lot more upside to explore on the tax issue. Why should a person who earns a billion dollars be allowed to keep $100 million of it when there are so many poor people who need that money? Even a 99 percent tax rate would still leave that rich person with $10 million, which is far more than he needs to live on. Ultimately, I think we need to move toward a system where the government controls all the money and distributes it based solely on need.”

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)–yet another potential 2020 Democratic presidential contender—commended “the forward thinking of my colleagues, but the most crucial issue for our Party is the abolition of ICE. Only the total elimination of all barriers to immigration will ensure the future electoral success for Democrats across the nation.”

Clapper Says Security Clearance Essential

While it is a normal business practice for former employees to turn in their keys and lose access to their employers’ confidential communications, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper says the Trump Administration removing his security clearance would be “a low blow.”

“I was hired by CNN with the expectation that my continued access to the government’s classified information would make my commentary more interesting and credible,” Clapper pointed out. “Stripping my clearance from me is a direct attack on my ability to fully monetize my expertise. It will deter my contacts who are current DNI employees from leaking classified information to me because it is a felony to convey classified information to a person not authorized to receive it. Loss of these leaks would put me in the same disadvantageous position as any other private citizen when it comes to knowing what’s really going on inside the government and would violate the terms of my contract with CNN.”

The Trump Administration would not be the first to cancel former employees’ security clearances. Reviewing whether someone no longer employed by the government ought to retain access to classified information is fairly routine. Former President Obama canceled the security clearances of a number of former Bush Administration employees.

Clapper’s objection is that his prospective loss of his security clearance is “not routine. The fact that I have been attacking Trump on a regular basis makes it look like it’s personal. I view it as my patriotic duty to attack him for his unfitness to serve as president. I am only continuing the effort of the intelligence community to prevent the nation from the harm he is causing to the country. Just because we weren’t able to prevent his election doesn’t relieve us of the obligation to continue the fight. Tying my hands by revoking my security clearance is an unfair tactic that would, by itself, further demonstrates his unfitness for office.”

NBC News reporter Ken Dilanian confirmed Clapper’s assessment of the financial impact that losing his security clearance will have on him saying “the only thread of credibility we have for interviews with these guys is the supposition that they have ‘real intelligence’ backing up what they say. If everyone knows they lost their clearance this thread will have been snipped. So, yeah, their gigs with the cable networks would be endangered if that happened.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) agreed with Clapper’s complaint and characterized the canceling of security clearances as “something a totalitarian regime would do. The work of Clapper, Brennan, and the other former intelligence officials to take down the rogue Trump regime is in the vital interest of the American people. Access to classified materials is their key weapon in this fight. Disarming them in this way is same the kind of thing Hitler and Stalin did to make their enemies helpless to defend themselves.”

Massachusetts Passes NASTY Women Act

Alarmed that the confirmation of a Trump appointee to the US Supreme Court could eventually lead to the overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing unrestricted abortions, the Massachusetts Democratic legislature and Republican governor combined to enact the NASTY Women Act (Negating Archaic Statutes Targeting Young Women Act).

Gov. Charlie Baker called it “a great day for our state. By being proactive, Massachusetts will be prepared for the eventuality that the federal policy mandating that abortion is the default position in America will be eliminated. States that wait until Roe v. Wade is reversed could see a gap in which unwanted babies are not terminated because there is no state law in place to ensure that undesirable births don’t occur.”

Anne Fox of Massachusetts Citizens for Life called the legislation “a political stunt. Massachusetts is one of the 15 states which have abortion enshrined in their state Constitutions. Overturning Roe v. Wade will change nothing in this state.”

Rep. Jim Hawkins (D-Attleboro) begged to differ, “that is where Ms. Fox is wrong. We are going to raise a ton of money off of the ‘stunt’–money that will be used to elect more pro-choice Democrats across the state. Combined with Planned Parenthood’s catchy ‘freedom to f**k’ slogan I can see it fueling a ‘blue wave’ nationwide. Considering the havoc wrought on the planet by the excess human population, making sure that abortion remains the policy in as many places as possible is crucial if we hope to save the environment.”

Food Fascism Gains Ground in California

Two San Francisco city officials are pushing an ordinance that would ban businesses from providing in-house cafeterias for their employees. The measure’s co-sponsor, Supervisor Aaron Peskin, argues that “local employers like Airbnb and Twitter are wrongfully denying nearby restaurants the sales they would be entitled to expect if the cafeterias did not exist.”

“It’s really about equality,” Peskin insisted. “Just because you work for a generous employer shouldn’t mean you aren’t forced to go out for lunch like the rest of us.” Of course, the “equality” aspect is tarnished a bit by the measure’s “grandfather” clause authorizing those establishments that already have cafeterias to continue operating them. Competing business would be barred from establishing new cafeterias.

Peskin also has his eye on companies hiring private buses that enable their employees to commute in relative luxury. “The City has its own train and bus services funded by the taxpayers,” Peskin observed. “It is everyone civic duty to ride these. No one should be permitted to skirt this responsibility just because they have access to a more convenient and comfortable alternative.”

Meanwhile, the city of Santa Barbara has passed an ordinance that levies a punishment of up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000 for each plastic straw a waiter gives to a restaurant customer. Santa Barbara’s Environmental Services Outreach Coordinator, Bryan Latchford emphasized the “up to” wording of the ordinance. “Enforcement will be on a case-by-case basis,” he explained. “There could be some leniency for first offenders. The harshest penalties would normally be meted out only to the worst violators—like those who have been previously warned or waiters who give customers straws without the customer requesting it. I mean, it’s still illegal even if the customer requests it, but the request might be a mitigating factor—especially if the customer is insistent or aggressive.”

2018 Arizona Primary Recommendations

Preferred and Acceptable Candidates

Governor — Doug Ducey

Attorney General — Mark Brnovich

Secretary of State — Steve Gaynor

State Treasurer — Kimberly Yee

State Superintendent of Instruction — Dr. Bob Branch

Arizona Corporation Commission — Tom Forese, Justin Olson, Rodney Glassman, Jim O’Connor, Eric Sloan

State Mine Inspector — Joe Hart

Congress

U.S. Senate — Martha McSally, Dr. Kelli Ward

House of Representatives

District 1 — Wendy Rogers, Steve Smith

District 2 — TBD

District 3 — TBD

District 4 — Paul Gosar

District 5 — Andy Biggs

District 6 — David Schweikert

District 7 —

District 8 — Debbie Lesko

District 9 — Dave Giles

State Senate

D1–

D2–

D3–

D4–

D5–

D6–Sylvia Allen

D7–

D8–

D9–

D10–

D11–Venden Vince Leach

D12–Eddie Farnsworth

D13–Brent Backus, Sine Kerr

D14–David Gowan, Drew John

D15–David Farnsworth

D16–

D17–J.D. Mesnard

D18–

D19–

D20–Paul Boyer

D21–Rick Gray

D22–David Livingston

D23–Ben Toma,

D24–

D25–

D26–

D27–

D28–

D29–

D30–

State House

D1–Noel Campbell, David Stringer

D2–

D3–

D4–

D5–Leo Biasucci, Paul Moseley

D6–Walter Blackman, Bob Thorpe

D7–Doyel Shamley

D8–David Cook

D9–Ana Henderson

D10–

D11–Mark Finchem

D12–Warren Peterson, Nick Myers

D13–Tim Dunn, Darin Mitchell

D14–Gail Griffin, Becky Nutt

D15–John Allen, Nancy Barto

D16–Lisa Godzich, Stephen Kridler

D17–Nora Ellen, Jeff Weninger

D18–Donald Hawker, Jill Norgaard

D19–

D20–Paul Boyer

D21–Tony Rivero

D22–Frank Carroll

D23–John Kavanaugh, Jay Lawrence

D24–

D25–

D26–

D27–

D28–Maria Syms

D29–

D30–

Masked Fascists Attack Jewish Coffee Shop

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A mob of masked criminals attacked the Asher Caffe & Lounge on 945 S. Boyle Ave. in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles—throwing feces and screaming at patrons and employees of the Jewish-owned business. The grievances of the attackers included a charge that the owner is a Trump supporter and that he is gentrifying the neighborhood against the wishes of its inhabitants.

The group of attackers calls itself “Defend Boyle Heights.” A masked spokesman who refused to give his name defended “our right to decide who can live and do business in our neighborhood. We don’t want Trump supporters here. We don’t want our neighborhood’s character to be polluted by the presence of undesirable outsiders.”

The spokesman justified the wearing of masks, saying that “we have the right to a ‘secret ballot’ without fear of intimidation by cops who enforce the will of the their fascist overlords,” and maintained that “terrorizing customers and throwing shit helps counterbalance the evil influence of those trying to suppress our democratic rights.”

In a show of solidarity, the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce expelled the coffee shop owner Asher Shalom from its membership rolls. Chamber president Jennifer Lahoda explained that “Mr. Shalom’s views are not in line with the values and objectives of the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce. Boyle Heights thrives because of our diverse immigrant population. The Chamber will always celebrate and support this fact. Mr. Shalom is not an immigrant. He is a white American citizen. This, in itself, offends the majority of those who live here. We cannot let a member of the neighborhood’s minority Jewish population impose its alien values against the wishes of the majority.”

Schumer Forbids Second Summit with Putin

US Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said he won’t allow anymore meetings between President Trump and Russian President Putin “until I have seen a full transcript of their one-on-one private talks and am satisfied that Trump has not committed treason.”

Even if Schumer’s demand were not an egregious overstepping of his limited authority as Senate Minority Leader, its fulfillment is impeded by the fact that the one-on-one talk was not recorded. Nevertheless, Schumer was adamant that “the American people have a right to know what was said. His public statement expressing doubts about our own intelligence community’s accuracy regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election displayed a breathtaking disloyalty to the brave men and women who are working diligently to save the country from the disastrous outcome of the 2016 election.”

Undaunted by Schumer’s demand, Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to work on setting up a second summit with Putin in Washington, DC for this Fall. “I look forward to our second meeting so that we can start implementing some of the many things discussed, including stopping terrorism, security for Israel, and nuclear nonproliferation,” Trump said.

“The list of items to be discussed and the timing of this planned summit are highly suspicious,” the Schumer claimed. “At best, it would only serve to divert voters attention from the very serious allegations against Trump that have not yet been refuted. One the one hand, we have FBI agent Peter Strzok’s text alleging that Trump is an idiot. Should we permit an idiot to deal with such volatile issues like terrorism and nuclear nonproliferation? On the other hand, many in Congress have leveled charges of treason against Trump. Should we permit a person charged with treason to deal with these issues? I think Trump should stand down from all presidential duties until these allegations have been conclusively disproved.”

Schumer’s perspective was shared by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who called “Trump’s willingness to consider allowing Putin to ask questions of former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul is troubling. For a president to not defend a US envoy is a clear case of gross negligence and dereliction of duty.”

Putin wants to ask McFaul about a tax evasion and money laundering scheme that he alleges ended up diverting $400 million to the Clinton presidential campaign. Whether Trump’s failure to immediately reject Putin’s request is worse than President Obama’s and Secretary of State Clinton’s failure to attempt a rescue of America’s Libyan Ambassador Christopher Stevens from the terrorists who ultimately murdered him seems dubious, at best.

As irrational as some of these leading Democratic politicians’ hysteria over the summit may be, others went even further into loony land. CNN host Chris Cuomo characterized the Russian election meddling as “an act of war” and wondered “why aren’t we talking about a retaliatory strike? I mean, if Bush could take us to war in Iraq in pursuit of non-existent weapons of mass destruction, why isn’t anyone in Congress or the Administration working on a ‘shock-and-awe’ plan to teach Putin and his goons a stern lesson?” HuffPo’s Mike Signorile, MarketWatch’s Rex Nutting, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), DNC chairman Tom Perez, and Hollywood actor-director Rob Reiner expressed similar sentiments, while Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) and CNN analyst Philip Mudd called for a military coup to overthrow President Trump.

Rising Star Dem Predicts Demise of Capitalism

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, upset winner over ten-term Democratic incumbent Joe Crowley in New York’s 14th congressional district, touted her progressive democratic-socialism as “the wave of the future. Capitalism is a fleeting phenomenon. Its fundamentally unfair distribution of wealth will be replaced by a democratic reallocation in the not too distant future.”

“The notion that individuals should be free to exploit their abilities and efforts for personal enrichment without being required to share the benefits with those less able or willing to work as hard is socially unjust,” she argued. “Marx recognized this. That’s why he designed a system calling for a collective aggregation of wealth that would be distributed on the basis of need. The one glitch in his system is that it calls for a dictatorship of the proletariat to decide who will do what work and who will be allocated what compensation. My idea is to replace the dictatorship with a democratic process where the votes of the majority will make these decisions.”

“Under democratic-socialism voters will decide who can open a business, who it will employ, and how its profits will be distributed,” the congressional candidate explained. “That’s why it’s important to erase international borders. There are desperately poor people all over the world. Until we have a world government that can transfer wealth from rich places like the United States to poor places like Latin America we have to allow those who can get here on there own to enter the country without restrictions or harassment by ICE. The upside of open borders is that it will accelerate the transformation to socialism as more immigrants will add their votes to cause of collectivism.”

Dems Propose “Catch-and-Release” Law

Senate Democrats Kamala Harris (Calif), Jeff Merkley (Oregon), and Catherine Cortez Mastohave (Nevada) have introduced a bill that would mandate a nation-wide “catch-and-release” policy for illegal immigrants. Under the bill’s provisions ICE would be required to release all members of families who enter the country illegally on their “own recognizance.” That is, they would be allowed to go free and asked to return for their later court hearing on whether they would be permitted to stay. This policy was the core approach used by the Obama Administration. However, only a tiny percentage of the “catch-and-release” immigrants have ever appeared for their court dates.

“The artificial demarcation known as international borders is a crime against humanity,” Harris contended. “Since the very beginnings of the human race people have been free to migrate in search of a better life. Attempts to impede this right for humans puts them below the status of birds, butterflies, and herds of ungulates who are allowed to cross borders without interference. Our bill merely gives people the same rights that these animals possess.”

Harris brushed aside the observation that none of the Earth’s migrating animals become welfare clients at either end of their travels, calling it “absurd. Wild animals can live off the land. But humans aren’t wild animals. They are social creatures who quite naturally seek social welfare among their own kind. Immigration restrictions that interfere with human migration fail to accommodate human nature. The complaint from those who say they don’t want to take up the burden of supporting those who need support is anti-social. It is their obligation to the collective. The Democratic Party is determined to see that everyone fulfills this obligation.”

High-Tax States Sue Over Trump Tax Cut

New York, Connecticut, Maryland, and New Jersey are suing the federal government claiming that “the tax cut legislation unconstitutionally punishes states who choose to impose high tax rates. By limiting the amount of state and local taxes that can be deducted from income that is taxed at the federal level the legislation impedes our ability to shift some of the tax burden onto other states as has been the custom since federal income tax was implemented in 1916.”

While there is nothing in the original Constitution or in any of the Amendments suggesting that federal taxes must allow deductions for state levies, New York Attorney General Barbara Underwood insisted that “the emanations from the penumbras of the Constitution clear imply that a state’s right to tax its inhabitants cannot be abridged by any federal legislation. The State of New York’s ability to extract the maximum from the incomes of those who reside in the state must remain unconstrained by any external force. The $10,000 per taxpayer per year limit enacted in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 is an unconstitutional constraint.”

“The advocates of this new tax law contend that the limit was included in order to protect the bottom 95%–i.e., lower and middle income families—and that only the wealthiest would end up paying more in federal income levies,” Underwood observed. “This evades the basic issue. Wealthy New Yorkers are the State’s to exploit. If they cannot deduct all of our taxes from their federal liability they may move to lower tax states, or worse, may vote for assemblymen, senators, or governors who will support lower state taxes. Such a political impact represents an unwarranted and unconstitutional interference in the internal affairs of our state.”

Strzok Claims Undermining Trump ‘Patriotic Duty’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency’s conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees “I wasn’t being biased. I was being patriotic.”

“Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America,” Styrzok maintained. “The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to Ms. Page ought to persuade every sane reader that keeping this man from wrecking the world was of utmost importance. My only regret is that my efforts have not yet achieved the desired effect.”

Strzok went on to further defend his actions by citing “the acquiescence of my superiors at the highest level that gave me the courage to embark on this unconventional journey. Director Comey used my replacement of his original ‘gross negligence’ with ‘extraordinarily careless’ to allow Hillary Clinton to be absolved of culpability. My immediate supervisor Andy McCabe presided over numerous anti-Trump strategy meetings attended by Ms. Page and myself. The support of these American patriots assured me that I was doing the right thing.”

These remarks elicited a standing ovation from House Democrats participating in the hearing. Rep. Steve Cohen (Tenn) even went so far as to recommend that Strzok “be awarded the Purple Heart for the insults and badgering heaped upon you by the brain-dead Republicans on these committees. Their ingratitude for your heroism is appalling. What you have faced was worse than any bullets or bombs our soldiers have had to face.”

Obama’s former CIA Director and current MSNBC commentator John Brennan concurred with Cohen’s sentiments and asserted that “the wounds inflicted on Strzok’s reputation by malicious Republicans are more hurtful than any battlefield wounds. Wounded soldiers bask in respect and honor. Even those who don’t survive know that their sacrifice is appreciated. But Mr. Strzok is denied even that as they blacken his name. He doesn’t deserve this.”

Republicans were less impressed. Rep. Louie Gohmert (Tex) pointed out that “at the time Mr. Strzok was supposedly investigating Sec. Clinton’s email violations the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) told him that 30,000 emails had been sent to an unauthorized foreign recipient. I would think that a patriotic FBI agent would’ve wanted to follow up on such information, but Strzok admits he did nothing.”

“Agents have to prioritize how they use their limited time and resources,” Strzok later explained. “Unbeknownst to the ICIG, President Obama had by that time indicated to us that Trump was the real threat. I wasn’t the only one who ignored the ICIG. DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz failed to return four phone calls on the matter. At least I took a meeting with them.”

On a broader and more philosophical note, Strzok warned that “these Congressional probes into the inner workings of the intelligence community threaten the foundations of law and order. To be effective, the covert actions of agencies like the FBI and CIA must remain covert. An agent shouldn’t have to fear that his honest efforts to protect national security will be exposed by political know-nothings. We rigorously screen the people who become agents. We need to trust them to do the right thing without second-guessing the choices they make.”

Shockingly, CNN political director David Chalian called Strzok’s rationalizations “unbelievable. His texts to Lisa Page reveal an extraordinary level of bias and animus toward Trump. This casts a pall of doubt over his ability to carry out an impartial investigation. A man of integrity would’ve recused himself.” Speculation as to whether Chalian will be fired, commit suicide, or suffer an unfortunate fatal accident has inspired Las Vegas to set up a betting line for gamblers to wager on their favorite outcome.

Dems Assail Court Nominee?

Some opponents of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have latched onto revelations of his heavy spending on Washington Nationals baseball tickets as “the smoking gun” that will derail his appointment. It appears that Kavanaugh maxed out his credit card purchasing the tickets.

Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn) called the revelation “very suspicious. Normally, lobbyists provide these kinds of perks to members of government. For Judge Kavanaugh to reach into his own pocket to buy something that others of us obtain gratis from grateful constituents raises a ‘red flag.’ What’s wrong with him that those who routinely pick up these sorts of expenses haven’t included him as a beneficiary?”

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) shared Casey’s concerns, calling Kavanaugh’s behavior “extraordinarily odd. It’s almost as if he is intentionally dissing the longstanding customs of those of us who serve in the public sector. What kind of a message would the confirmation of this man send to the American voters? I will use every trick I’ve got to try to stop this nomination.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) was so incensed that she refused to have any contact with Kavanaugh. “I thought his opposition to the right of mothers to terminate their unwanted children was bad, but this baseball fanaticism reveals a sinister pattern that should doom his candidacy,” the Senator said. “What other weird and twisted ideas will he tap into if we give him a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court?”

Former Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) admitted “I find his extreme devotion to baseball troubling, but not as troubling as his extreme devotion to the original wording of the Constitution. Judges need to be independent of all external constraints, not slaves to an out-dated document. Our Court needs creative minds that can craft the kind of new rights need for the world of tomorrow.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi warned that “the confirmation of a person so far outside the mainstream cannot be allowed” and promised “he won’t get my vote no matter what.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Deputy chair Keith Ellison vowed that if his Party takes control of Congress “impeachment will be on the agenda. We need to remove Trump and undo his crimes. That includes impeaching Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, if the Republicans manage to confirm him before the November elections. It will also include ousting Pence so the Democratic Speaker of the House can take over the presidency and use executive orders to repeal the tax cut Trump and the GOP enacted against the will of the voters.”

Mueller Indicts 12 Russian Spies

Desperate to divert attention from the smirking and demonic Peter Strzok, Special Counsel Robert Mueller sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein out to announce a second round of indictments of Russians for interfering with the 2016 election. This follows the February indictment of 13 Russian firms that seems to have fizzled.

The gist of the charges is that 12 Russian cyber spies penetrated Democratic Party computers via a “phishing” scheme and used this access to obtain and publish confidential Party communications that embarrassed the Democrats.

“The scheme was remarkably simple,” Rosenstein said. “An email containing the link hillary-clinton-favorable-rating.xlsx was sent to multiple Democratic National Committee email addresses. When recipients clicked on this link it downloaded malware onto their computers that allowed the spies to read every keystroke from that point forward. A similar email link hillary-clinton-unfavorable-rating.xlsx was sent to the Republican National Committee, but no recipient clicked on the link. Were they smart, in cahoots, or just lucky? I don’t suppose we’ll ever know for sure.”

“While there is evidence that the indicted Russians published information that reflected negatively on the presidential candidacy of Secretary Clinton, there is no evidence that this information was actually read and acted upon by anyone,” Rosenstein added. “There is no evidence that any American, much less anyone connected to the Trump campaign knowingly colluded with any of these Russian agents during the 2016 campaign. Likewise, there is no evidence that anyone didn’t collude with these Russians. The only rational conclusion is that more investigation is called for. Consequently, I am extending the Special Counsel’s mandate for another 12 months and $20 million.”

“I think the Mueller team’s ability to determine that phishers penetrated the DNC computers despite the FBI being denied access to those computers by the DNC is commendable,” the Deputy AG observed. “I’m not sure how this was possible, but I admit I’m not as computer savvy as I’d like to be. Now that this theory is confirmed by the Mueller investigation I think we can absolve Seth Rich of any alleged role in the leaking of DNC data and refute any theories maintaining that he was murdered in retaliation for his alleged leaks.”

“The one inexplicable aspect of this whole matter was President Obama’s instruction to White House cyber security coordinator Michael Daniel to stand down after he first alerted the President to the risk of Russian interference in the 2016 election,” Rosenstein said. “The most charitable interpretation I can conjure up is that he was simply mistaken. I just can’t accept the contention that the stand down order was the fulfillment of his promise to Putin that he would be ‘more flexible’ following his 2012 reelection. That implies a level of duplicity that we all would rather not contemplate.”

Meanwhile, noted Democrat and legal scholar Alan Dershowitz contends that “this latest indictment by Mueller proves that we didn’t need a special counsel. This indictment could have been brought by ordinary prosecutors, ordinary FBI agents. There’s no conflict between the attorney general, the deputy attorney general and Americans — It’s all Russians. Why do we need to spend 20, 30, 40 million dollars for a special counsel to do a routine national security investigation?”

London Mayor Says Trump Wrong to Blame Immigrants for Crime Wave

Mayor Sadiq Khan rebuffed US President Donald Trump’s contention that immigrants from Africa and Asia are responsible for rising levels of violent crime in London and other parts of Europe.

“The fact that rising numbers of immigrants happen to coincide with rising levels of violence doesn’t prove that the immigrants themselves are the ones responsible,” Khan argued. “Let me point out that the levels of violence in the countries of origin of these immigrants are higher than they are in London. This leads me to think that to a certain extent we are moderating their behavior and reducing the global incidence of these crimes.”

“Another factor that I think is in play is the matter of culture shock,” the Mayor continued. “A lot of things that native Londoners do is behavior that immigrants find intolerable. Take, for example, women going out in public unaccompanied and inadequately clothed. Their indecency incites the lust of men who cannot really be blamed for a quite natural urge to have sex with them. When the women inexplicably resist can they not understand that men will enforce their rights to subdue them?”

“And what about the Quran’s directive that all non-Muslims must show submission and pay the jizya?” the Mayor asked. “For non-Muslims to neglect to observe these obligations invites observant Muslims to teach them, by force if necessary. Refraining from force may be the Western way of civilization, but that is a mere preference and cannot be expected to bind Muslims.”

“The more the Mayor says, the more he validates my point,” Trump responded. “Immigrants should be expected to adapt to the customs of the host countries. They should leave the destructive customs of the sh*tholes they are fleeing behind. If they’re not going to do that we shouldn’t let them in.”

In related news, the European Union’s statistics office Eurostat released a report showing that deaths now outnumber births among native born Europeans—a fact that German Chancellor Angela Merkel claims vindicates her immigration policy. “Rather than let Germany wither away due to falling fertility, I had the foresight to import Muslims to fill the vacancy,” she boasted.

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Possible Troop Withdrawals Rattle Globalist Lobby

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

As of now, there are 60,000 US troops stationed in Europe. Pentagon evaluation of potentially withdrawing “some of them” has the globalist lobby on edge. An article published by McClatchy headlined “European Leaders Worry…” neglected to name a single European leader. Instead, numerous members of the globalist lobby ominously warned of the dire consequences if President Trump follows through with his campaign promise to reduce the US military contingent in Europe.

NATO was established in the midst of the Soviet Union’s 1948-49 blockade of Western Berlin. It was meant to deter Soviet military aggression against Western Europe. The Trump Administration has cited decades of failure by other members of NATO to live up to their share of the cost of the defense of their own countries as grounds for reexamining the US commitment.

Obama Administration Defense Secretary Leon Panetta averred that “they are scared to death Trump will put America’s interests ahead of Europe’s collective security—undermining the 70 years of protection the United States has provided to the members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.”

Magnus Nordenman, director of the Transatlantic Security Initiative at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council, lamented “the element of uncertainty that Trump has injected into the placid complacency that the continent has enjoyed since the end of World War II. Western Europeans aren’t cut out for the harrowing responsibilities of self-defense. Trump’s insistence that they must bear a significant share of such responsibilities is unrealistic.”

Erik Brattberg, director of the Carnegie Endowment’s Europe program, complained that “withdrawing troops would further weaken the alliance already buffeted by the US breaking ranks with its allies on the Paris Accords and Iranian agreement. Without the ‘big brother’ US standing behind us Russia will take our lunch money. What kind of a man would let his little brothers be bullied by Putin?”

Heather Conley, senior vice president at the Center for Strategic & International Studies, assailed “the apparent replacement of decades of unconditional love with a kind of quid pro quo attitude. I know Trump thinks he can use their fear of domination by Russia to pressure these countries into pulling their own weight, but those of us with expertise in international politics are skeptical. I think if it comes down to a choice between domination and fighting the eminently sensible Europeans will submit to domination.”

In related news, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has added the Trump Administration’s consideration of reducing troop levels in Europe to has investigation of collusion between Trump and Russia. “Who benefits from exposing Western Europe to possible Russian aggression?” Mueller asked. “Clearly, it is Putin. This is prima facie evidence of the collusion we have been trying for months to prove. I think it may be time for Congress to start drawing up articles of impeachment against the most anti-American president this country has ever had.”

DNC Denounces Record Employment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Democratic National Chairman and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, Tom Perez warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.”

“Remember, each person pushed into a 40-hour-a-week job has lost at least 40 hours of leisure time,” Perez pointed out. “Is this a trade-off that truly benefits everyone? Most jobs are boring. Many are dangerous. Shouldn’t the goal be to work toward the elimination of the need for everyone to have to work for a living? This is the goal envisioned by the great Karl Marx who prescribed socialism as the best way to move society toward an ultimate communist utopia.”

Perez argued that “lauding the fact that more Americans have jobs also ignores the promise of the Declaration of Independence pledge of equality for everyone. A system that discriminates by disbursing more to those who have jobs than to those who don’t will never achieve equality. By accident of birth some are endowed with energy, initiative, and intelligence. If we allow those who inherit such gifts to keep what they earn we will never have equality. Yet, it is the policy of the Republicans to insidiously perpetuate inequality by not forcing the more well-endowed to share the returns they earn from their gifts with those less fortunate. The tax cuts passed earlier this year, for example, benefit only those who produce wealth. Democrats are the Party that will redistribute this wealth to those in need.”

The DNC Chairman also reminded voters that “it will be visionaries like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who lead the Democratic Party to the equality that can only be achieved through socialism. This young woman’s June primary triumph over long-term incumbent Joseph Crowley in New York’s 14th Congressional District showed that voters are ready for the next stage in this country’s transformation.”

In other Independence Day news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) took the occasion to reiterate his “opposition to any Supreme Court nominee who does not accept a woman’s unfettered right to an abortion. Let’s look at the Declaration’s promise of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. It couldn’t be clearer that an unwanted child ruins a woman life, circumscribes her liberty, and impedes her pursuit of happiness. It took our courts nearly 200 years to recognize that restrictions on abortion denied these essential constitutional rights to women in the Roe v. Wade case. We must not allow this long awaited recognition to be overturned by misguided sympathy for the uninvited entity that parasitically feeds off a woman’s body.”

Bill Clinton Laments Double Standards

In a commentary on what he alleged were the “appalling ethical standards infecting contemporary political discourse,” former President Bill Clinton contrasted his own personal experience with that of Donald Trump, saying that “back then, you couldn’t just tell an outright lie and get away with it. Look, I tried. I lied about my relationship with an intern. I tried to portray her as a nut-job stalker. I even lied under oath. But they still got me. I lost my law license and my good name.”

“Compare that with Trump,” Clinton suggested. “Everybody knows he’s the type of person who must constantly lie. The only problem is that we haven’t been able to prove it. So far, he’s leading a charmed life. The FBI’s been on his case for two years—tapping his phones, spying on him, cooking up dossiers—without proving anything. Sooner or later, though, by hook or by crook they’ll get him too. He won’t get off as easy as I did.”

Albright Says “Plenty of Room” for Illegal Immigrants

Former secretary of state Madeline Albright castigated the Trump Administration’s opposition to unconstrained illegal immigration, calling it “undemocratic and essentially similar to what a fascist would do. Treating people differently because of their race or ethnicity is something that Hitler did. If a German like Chancellor Merkel realizes it’s wrong to exclude Africans and Asians, then why can’t Trump realize it’s wrong to exclude Mexicans?”

“It’s not as if we don’t have room for immigrants in America,” Albright observed. “Homes in America are much bigger than they were a generation ago. Almost every family has underutilized space—a spare bedroom, a virtually unoccupied basement, or a corner of a living room that could make a comfortable abode for an immigrant family. We could use census data to determine where this underutilized space is and the President could issue an executive order mandating that qualifying homeowners take in one or more homeless immigrants.”

“You know, the money the government will save by abolishing ICE could be redirected to provide an allowance for immigrants housed with qualifying homeowners so they wouldn’t be totally dependent on the generosity of the homeowners for their shelter, clothing, food, and entertainment. They’d get some ‘walking around money’ they could use anyway they want. That way they could enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that America was established to provide for all people.”

In related news, propaganda film maker Michael Moore called upon the US military to overthrow Trump. “The military is basically comprised of society’s losers—the poor, the high-school dropouts, those without enough clout to get draft deferments,” Moore contended. “Given a choice between siding with the billionaire former draft-dodger who is oppressing their kind via cruel immigration policies, I’m confident they’ll make the right decision.”

Israel Accused of Causing Iran’s Drought

Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran’s Civil Defense Organization, blamed Israel for his country’s drought. “If you look at satellite photos you can see that all mountainous areas between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean are covered in snow, except for Iran,” he said. “The only logical explanation for such an anomaly is a Zionist conspiracy to attack my country.”

The General speculated that “it could be some sort of giant fan that is blowing precipitation-bearing clouds away from Iran or an infrared ray that evaporates the snow that should be there. Either way, it’s an act of aggression that we can’t ignore.”

Jalali cited reports of Israel’s water surplus as evidence for his claims. “Why is it that Jews are the only ones in the region with a surplus of water?” he wanted to know. “I mean, it’s not as if Allah would mistakenly rain upon the country of the unbelievers and leave the faithful high and dry. That’s totally nonsensical.”

An alternate explanation for Israel’s water surplus may be its investment in desalinization. The country has the world’s largest desalinization plant and produces 3 million cubic meters of potable water per day. However, Jalali remained adamant, saying “these Jews are very clever, but I’d call desalting the rain from the evaporated snow clouds blown over the Mediterranean proof of their theft.”

Trump’s Merit-Based University Attendance Policy Assailed

The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) issued a statement taking issue with a recent Trump Administration policy reversing an Obama policy pushing racial diversity guidelines. “The Administration’s policy of encouraging universities receiving federal aid to focus solely on merit when deciding which students to admit leaves us deeply concerned,” the statement reads. “The assumption that competence is more important than diversity when determining who will be allowed to practice medicine is a departure from the directive given by the immediately previous administration.”

“We don’t deny that that competence should play a role in the process, but it should not dominate other social objectives,” the statement continued. “Allowing less competent minorities to get in on the action has value. It raises the esteem of the individual granted a medical license. It raises the esteem of all people of the same race when they observe that one of their kind is a doctor. The possibility that the percentages of persons harmed by less competent physicians may rise is a tolerable price to pay for the broader social benefits of racial diversity within the profession.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions called the AAMC reaction “overwrought. All we’re doing is removing any excuse from universities for potential negative consequences for not selecting the best and brightest regardless of race. They can still admit less capable students if they want. What they won’t be able to say is that the government told them to do that.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

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