By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week’s “plea bargain” in which former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen confessed to the non-crime of paying “hush money” to two women alleging trysts with Donald Trump more than ten years ago has created an impeachment frenzy in media and Democratic Party circles. Under normal circumstances, a threat to expose embarrassing information unless a payment is made would be considered extortion. That would make the person demanding payment the criminal party in the transaction.

But, as Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) says, “normally, a person being victimized by a blackmailer would deserve sympathy. However, when that victim is Donald Trump we need to consider the totality of the circumstances. By seeking to suppress negative information during an election campaign Trump has conspired to influence the outcome of an election. That is enough to justify removing him from office.”

“Even if the allegations against him are untrue and he never had sex with these women offering them money to withhold their allegations from the media and the voters is behavior unworthy of a president,” Green argued. “If Trump isn’t ashamed enough to resign on his own Congress should impeach him.”

Green sought to differentiate the current situation from that faced by former President Bill Clinton, saying that “as I recall, Clinton tried to persuade his accusers rather than bribe them to keep silent. It was only afterwards that he agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 to settle her sexual harassment lawsuit against him. So, I’d say the two cases are completely different.”

“Besides, Bill Clinton’s term saw some of the best governance in American history,” Green remembered. “The federal deficit plunged. North Korea was paid to discontinue its nuclear program. The Branch Davidians were wiped out. Elian Gonzales was returned to Cuba. Trump’s record pales in contrast. His tax cuts may have sparked a private sector boom, but government deficits are higher. Fewer Americans are receiving unemployment benefits and food stamps. A distressing number of African-Americans have been induced to forgo the security of these benefits and venture into the treacherous waters of owning and operating small businesses where the risk of failure is high.”

In related news, Cohen’s lawyer, former Clinton apparatchik Lanny Davis, avowed that his client “would neither seek nor accept a pardon from President Trump. Michael is a changed man. He’s determined to do the right thing no matter what the cost. He’s even willing to go to prison if that is what it takes to rescue the nation from the clutches of the evil Donald Trump. That’s the kind of integrity his prosecution has inspired in him.” Meanwhile, Davis asked donors to be generous on Cohen’s GoFundMe page “so he will have enough money to pay for my legal services.”

Senator Lectures Parents of Slain Co-ed

The discovery of the body of missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbets brought a tragic end to a month-long search. The arrest of Cristhian Bahena Rivera, an illegal alien, for her murder inspired Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) to urge Ms. Tibbets’ parents to “focus on the bigger picture. Sure they have lost a daughter, but this loss must be weighed against the suffering of the much larger contingent of immigrant parents who have been separated from their children merely because they’ve entered the country illegally.”

“I mean, I’m sorry Mollie Tibbets is dead, but she was just one person,” Warren pointed out. “Hundreds, if not thousands of immigrant children have been separated from their parents. The aggregate pain of these separations easily exceeds the few moments of pain Mollie experienced as she was stabbed to death. Her pain will be balanced by the pain her assailant experiences when he spends a couple of decades behind bars. His ‘American dream’ has likely come to an end. However, this doesn’t justify trampling on the dreams of immigrants whose only ‘crime’ is illegally crossing the border.”

Rivera admitted dragging her body out of the trunk of his car and burying it in a shallow grave in a cornfield not far from where he lives, but claims to have no memory of actually killing her. “I went to put some groceries in my trunk when there was this dead girl in there,” Rivera recalled. “I panicked. All I could think to do was bury her and hope the body was never found. But I was unlucky and the police found me. Now I’ll probably be deported. I’m a hard worker and I’ve never done anything else wrong. It doesn’t seem fair.”

In related news, the ruling Social Democrats are irate over the decision by Sweden’s public broadcaster (SVT) to air crime statistics showing that foreign-born men (mostly Muslim immigrants) are responsible for 58% of the rapes committed in the country. Party Leader Stefan Löfven complained that “the introduction of this statistic into the public arena during an election campaign is very disruptive. The average voter is not competent to assess these data. The result will be confusion that will undermine their faith in our Party’s ability to govern. Obviously, after we win we’ll be looking into ways of preventing the release of embarrassing information that might influence future elections.”

UN Sec Gen Calls for More Aid to Fight Israel

Lamenting that “those who oppose Israel are not as well-armed as the Jews,” United Nations Secretary-General, Antonio Guterres called for “increased spending to level the playing field. The Palestinian quest to annihilate Israel is severely hampered by the superior fighting ability of the Israeli Defense Forces. Israel has sophisticated weapons, well-trained troops and pilots, and a sense of desperation that gives them no alternative but to courageously fight for survival. This puts their enemies at an unfair disadvantage.”

“The $5 billion in US aid to the Palestinians over the past decade has been insufficient to give these oppressed people a decent chance of success against Israel,” Guterres complained. “The weapons they’ve bought have been inferior. Their strategy has been chaotic. Their tactics of attacking civilians have failed to achieve the intended results. As a result the retaliation by Israeli Defense Forces has effectively thwarted any progress toward the ultimate goal of wiping Israel off the map. We need a redoubled effort.”

Guterres said he was “pessimistic that we can count on the Trump regime to do the right thing,” but held out hope that “perhaps if he is removed from office by Mueller or Congress his successor will be more amenable to the idea of funding a fairer fight between the two sides contesting for control over the land now occupied by the Jews.”

California to Rescue 800,000 Welfare Recipients

As the Trump economic boom has pushed the state’s unemployment rate to a low of 4.2 percent, the Brown Administration has applied to the U.S. Department of Agriculture for a waiver of the requirement for 800,000 able-bodied and childless Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients in 55 counties to do some work in exchange for this government benefit.

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) defended the action calling it “an act of mercy. Most of these long-term welfare recipients have no work experience or aptitude. Demanding that they enter the workforce even on a part time basis constitutes an inhumane and traumatic culture shock. In theory, they might be capable of doing some work, but in reality they are habituated to an indolent lifestyle. Any tasks they might be induced to perform will very likely be done poorly. So, not only would forcing them to work destroy their way of life, the output of their efforts will almost certainly prove unsatisfactory.”

Brown rejected even low-skill options such as picking up litter, calling it “beneath the dignity that every human being has a right to expect. It may not require skill to do such jobs, but that in itself is a humiliation that no one should be forced to endure. In my mind, it’s preferable that those of us who are better off bear a higher tax burden than that we deprive those less well off pf the leisure to which they’ve become accustomed. Fortunately for our state, the bulk of the tax burden will be borne by the rest of the nation.”

In related news, Gov. Brown was recently ordered by the state’s 3rd Appellate District Court to repay more than $300 million in funds the state illegally diverted from a national fund intended to help homeowners struggling with foreclosures. In response, the State’s Democratically controlled legislature has plans to legalize the illegal transfer by statutory means. Assembly member Philip Ting (D-San Fran) boasted that “AB1829 will use the sovereign power of the State under the US Constitution’s 10th Amendment to overrule the court’s decision. Since the federal government lacks the enumerated Constitutional authority to bail out home mortgages we have the right to divert the federal money as we deem fit.”

South Africa Government Protests Trump Tweets

South Africa’s government has lodged a formal protest alleging that President Trump’s tweet questioning its confiscation of the property of white farmers is “an inappropriate interference with the internal affairs of our country. We are a sovereign nation. Everyone living within our borders is ours to do with as we deem best. As recently as July of this year, American President Obama acknowledged that this property transfer is inspiring great hope in our country.”

While the property seizures violate the country’s current constitution, President Cyril Ramaphosa is asking the Parliament “to change the constitution and allow the government to seize the land without compensating the owners. We are not saying that the land has been mismanaged. It has been well-cared for and that is the problem. The wealth generated by the white owners is disproportionately higher than the wealth generated on farms owned by the black majority. This is unjust. The confiscation will rectify this injustice and allow blacks to own and manage these lands for good or ill. Either way, it will be blacks making their own future.”

Trump isn’t the only one to express concerns. The liberal-leaning South African Institute of Race Relations (SAIRR) said the policy was causing damage to the country and would not bring about positive results. “President Ramaphosa’s assertion that the expropriation of this private property will not adversely affect economic growth, agricultural production, or food security is contradicted by the history of similar property seizures around the world,” according to a statement issued by SAIRR. “Trampling property rights weakens the incentive to use resources wisely. A regime that can seize land without compensating its owners will likely get poor results from the new owners it redistributes the land to. Not only do these new owners lack the experience that leads to good stewardship, they will also know that their ownership is insecure, which also tends to discourage good stewardship.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Critics have pointed out that her legislation would institute an economic structure eerily similar to that of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party in the 1930s. Undeterred, Warren argued that “while we can all abhor the vile racist goals of the Nazis we shouldn’t let that blind us to the economic virtues of their system. The economy boomed and gave a grossly outnumbered Germany the strength to take on nearly every government in Europe and nearly win. By shifting the governance of business from a narrow focus on earning profits by selfishly serving private individuals and imposing a requirement that they serve the national interest my bill will make America stronger and move us closer to attaining the utopia envisioned by Marx in his Communist Manifesto.”

Chris Cuomo: “Antifa Violence” Justified

CNN’s Chris Cuomo defended Antifa’s assaults on political opponents, calling it “a justifiable tactic to combat bigotry. The attempt to equate this with Nazi Brownshirts beating up Jews and political opponents is unfair. The Nazis were bigots. Their victims were innocent. Antifa’s victims are the right wing bigots who support the ‘bigot-in-chief’ who occupies the White House. Cracking their skulls is a socially beneficial use of violence for a good cause.”

In related news, CNN filed a motion to unseal the names and addresses of the jurors in the Manafort trial. The motion asserted that “the public has a right to know who these people are and the jurors need to know that they will be held accountable for their decision. If the appropriate verdict isn’t rendered at the trial a righteously offended public has to have a reasonable avenue for expressing their outrage. The fact that the jurors will be at home over the weekend before returning on Monday for further deliberations makes it all the more urgent that the opportunity for interface between jurors and citizens interested in the ultimate verdict be afforded in a timely fashion.”

Andrew Cuomo: “America Was Never that Great”

In what many suspect is an opening salvo in a potential 2020 run for president, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) sought to establish a sharp contrast between himself and President Trump by telling an audience of Democratic partisans that “America was never that great.” This strong rebuttal to Trump’s pledge to “make America great again” elicited a mixed reaction. Some applauded his honesty. Others chided it.

Cuomo defended his contention by citing slavery, discrimination, and sexism. “America won’t be great until everyone is equal,” Cuomo insisted. “The descendants of those who benefited from slavery, discrimination, and sexism must first experience the sting of being on the receiving end of those damaging policies and attitudes. Those who are white need to be forced to toil for the benefit of minorities. Those who are white must be sent to the back of the bus. Those who are male must endure the same pain that women have endured since the beginning of time. Then America will be on the true path of greatness.”

Cuomo spokeswoman Dani Lever endeavored to clarify his remarks by saying that “an acknowledgment of mistakes must precede improvement. While Trump and his apologists assert that equality of opportunity is what makes America great this is little comfort to those unable or unwilling to make the effort to improve their lot in life. Not everyone is born with the talent or ambition to achieve the American dream on his or her own. The Governor believes it is the duty of government to level out this imbalance if we are to ensure that everyone can enjoy the good life regardless of whether they can ‘earn it’ for themselves. That has been the long-standing difference between Democrats and Republicans.”

Sexual Abuse a Religious Freedom Issue

The accusations that Democratic National Committee vice chairman Keith Ellison sexually abused two women may become the latest case of social mores butting up against religious freedom. DNC chairman Tom Perez reminded critics of Ellison’s behavior that “imposition of Christian standards of behavior on a Muslim man violate the First Amendment protection against government infringement on the free exercise of religion.”

“Under Islam, a man has total dominance over a woman,” Perez observed. “First, under sharia law, a woman is effectively only half as human as a man. Using this math, each of the accusers’ testimony is out weighed by a ratio of 1.0:0.5. That’s a two-thirds super-majority. Second, the right of a man to discipline a woman using moderate beatings is expressly authorized. Those demanding that Keith step down from his position in government and bow out of the race for Minnesota Attorney General would be applying an unconstitutional religious test for holding public office.”

Deep State Denizens Object to Losing Clearances

This week’s revocation of the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan elicited howls of protest from deep state apparatchiks. Brennan himself characterized the action as “treasonous. My ability to continue protecting this nation by leaking selected classified information to the media in our continuing effort to blunt the influence of President Trump is eviscerated by this cruel and callous act.”

Former FBI Director James Comey called it “an illegitimate use of executive authority. Nominally, a president has the power to award or remove anyone’s access to classified material. But Trump’s selective use of this authority against those of us who are trying to end his tyranny should frighten every right-thinking American.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintained that “this action is a pathetic attempt to silence critics. The credibility of Director Brennan is tied to the perception that he is a patriot working for what’s best for the country. Canceling his clearance taints that perception and undermines his credibility with the general public. The reminder that he was once a member of the Communist Party further taints that credibility and is as underhanded a political move as I have ever seen.”

Washington Post editor/columnist Eugene Robinson insisted that “canceling Brennan’s access to classified information is just a blatant abuse of power. I mean, I don’t know what else you can call it. And really should be one of the eventual articles of impeachment.” Robinson rebuffed contentions that former government officials no longer have a valid need to see classified files by pointing out that “Brennan is now employed as a commentator for MSNBC. His value in that capacity is enormously enhanced by continued access to secret government files. Removing that access will limit his value and endanger his job.”

For his part, Brennan vowed to press on saying that “while my official access may have been canceled I still have many friends and contacts in the government who do have access that I can count on to include me in the continuing fight to unseat the usurper. If I could successfully leak classified info to the media when I was in the CIA those still in the CIA can leak it to me now that I am in the media.”

San Francisco Launches “Poop Patrol”

In another triumph of progress politics, the City of San Francisco has announced the formation of an official “Poop Patrol” to scour the streets and remove the mounting piles of human excrement deposited by the homeless inhabitants of the community. The Patrol will start with a staff of six—one supervisor and five workers.

Public works department spokeswoman Rachel Gordon said “we’re not denying the right of the homeless to carry out necessary bodily functions as they see fit. After all, the streets and sidewalks are public spaces open to all. We want the homeless to understand that this is not meant to criticize their life style, but to help mitigate the negative health consequences of letting the stuff pile up to intolerable levels.”

The new Patrol will supplement the existing “Pit Stop” and 311 “Poop Hot Line” programs, which failed to stem the rising tide of human waste infesting the City’s public spaces. “The Pit Stop program provides public toilets in the downtown area, however, we realize that not everyone has the energy or motivation to make their way to these facilities,” Gordon observed. “Likewise, relying on citizens to call in sightings has a negative impact of perceptions of how clean and safe the community is. It’s one thing to ask citizens to phone in crimes-in-progress like they do in Chicago. The caller could save someone’s life or help catch a murderer. It’s embarrassing to ask citizens to report defecations-in-progress. The caller may feel like a prude or peeping Tom.”

McConnell Concocts a “Chameleon” Election Strategy

Concerned by predictions that a Democratic “blue wave” could lead to a loss of Republican majorities in the House and Senate, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) has devised what he boasted is “a foolproof plan to avert disaster.”

The gist of this plan is to blur the differences between the two Parties by scheduling a number of votes on bipartisan bills that garner support from both sides of the aisle. The bills the Majority Leader has in mind include votes on the Defense and Labor, Health and Human Services spending bill, opioids legislation and the Water Resources Development Act. “I call it the ‘chameleon’ ploy,” McConnell said. “If Republicans and Democrats are voting on the same side of this issues voters won’t have a good reason to vote against us and the blue wave will be dissipated.”

“We’re in a tough spot,” McConnell argued. “The tax cuts we passed have energized the media against our Party. They can be counted on to remind voters that we implemented legislation that effectively pushed more people into the workforce—people that were previously perfectly comfortable subsisting on welfare. The deregulation implemented under President Trump’s direction has enabled an economic expansion that has created new jobs that undermined the rationale for idleness. Democrats will lambaste us for this in their campaign ads. The ‘chameleon’ strategy will moderate voters anger over what Republicans have done to disrupt their lives.”

McConnell rebuffed President Trump’s request to schedule a vote on making the individual component of the tax cut bill permanent on the dual grounds that “this would simply remind voters who may have already forgotten who pushed the tax cut through and would anger the Democrats who will likely be the majority after the election no matter what we do to try to avert that.”

Chelsea Clinton Touts Economic Benefits of Abortion

In a bid to energize Democratic voters for the upcoming congressional elections, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton touted the economic benefits of abortion.

“Since 1973’s Roe v. Wade decision, the legal termination of more than 50 million useless eaters has saved the US economy more than $3.5 trillion,” she told the pro-abortion crowd. “By relieving 50 million women from the drudgery of child rearing the ruling enabled them to employ their talents more productively by taking jobs and earning a higher income.”

“All these benefits are in danger if Democrats can’t take control of Congress to block pro-life legislation and pro-life judicial appointments,” Clinton pointed out. “Republicans are determined to put the interests of unwanted children ahead of the economic prosperity of women. Whether it be a Kavanaugh ascending to the Supreme Court or a legislature enacting civil rights for the unborn, the threat is real. That’s why it is absolutely crucial that we get out and vote this November.”

In related news, Rep. Grace Meng (D-NY) is sponsoring a Constitutional Amendment that would lower the voting age to 16. “Any woman old enough to possibly need an abortion ought to have a say in electing those who have the power to ensure that this right remains inviolable,” Meng asserted. “The same goes for any young man who might need an escape clause from the obligation of providing support for a child he fathers but does not want.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The New York Times announced it is adding Sarah Jeong to its editorial board. Ms. Jeong is noted for her anti-white animus that has been expressed in tweets like “how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men,” “white people are marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants,” and “white people are only fit to live underground like groveling goblins.”

“We hired Sarah Jeong because of the exceptional work she has done,” the Times explained. “She offers a perspective that is both a powerful and timely contribution to the climate of hate that has been sweeping the country since Trump became president.”

Pardoned NY Ex-Cons to Vote in November

Last May, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an executive order restoring the voting rights of more than 20,000 ex-cons still on parole. Included among the 20,000 were a triple cop-killer, murderers, rapists, and pedophiles banned from being with 1,000 feet of schools. In the two months since the executive order more than 100 of these individuals are back in jail for violating their parole and/or committing new crimes.

Still, Cuomo expressed satisfaction with his action, saying that “the pardons are working as intended. The recidivism rate is too slow to make much of a dent in the Democratic votes that will be cast in November. I doubt that Republicans can find enough votes to offset the 20,000 that our Party will gain.”

Court Nominee Would Deny Children the Right to Be Aborted

Jennifer Allen, CEO of Planned Parenthood Votes Northwest and Hawaii, urged supporters to go all out to oppose the confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, pointing out that “if Kavanaugh’s vote is the one needed to overturn Roe v. Wade future generations of children will be denied their right to be aborted by their mothers. The amount of suffering that such an outcome would inflict on these children is a cruelty that must be averted.”

Maduro Admits Economy Has Failed

As food and medicine shortages and public service paralysis have wracked Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro admitted his economic model has failed. The “model” has entailed nationalization of major industrial sectors, the expropriation of hundreds of businesses, and widespread price controls.

The President called upon “my socialist comrades to join with me in devising more effective directives to get the economy moving again. Our country is not the first to face these kinds of problems. When the Soviet Union was trying to build socialism wreckers and saboteurs undermined the plans laid out by the Politburo. It took the strength of Stalin to order the harsh measures required. Many died, but a backward nation was built into a world power through these sacrifices. We need to learn from this model and make the hard choices necessary.”

In related news, Maduro announced he was “seconding” former President Obama’s endorsement of 81 Democrats in primaries preceding the November elections. “I don’t know much about these candidates, but I do know that President Obama has solid progressive values,” he said. “Anyone he likes is good enough for me.”

No Christians Among UK’s Syrian Refugees

Of the more than 1,000 refugees admitted into the United Kingdom from war-torn Syria during the first quarter of 2018 none were Christians. Home Secretary Sajid Javid explained that “for us to admit Christians would merely exacerbate the already existing religious imbalance between the two countries. We already have a surplus of Christians in the UK and a comparative shortage of Muslims. The opposite is the case in Syria.”

Javid acknowledged that “the discrimination, oppression, and murder of Christians in Muslim-run countries is unfortunate. However, we feel we must take a longer range perspective. That perspective is founded on the premise that if we can achieve a greater religious and ethnic balance among all the nations of the world the motive for discrimination, oppression, war, and atrocities will diminish.”

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, recent winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

“A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists.”

Meanwhile, the Trump plan to convert workers into capitalists is now exploring the idea of indexing capital gains for inflation. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin observed that “as it currently stands, the tax code penalizes individuals who invest in a home or a retirement account by handing them a tax bill for the impact inflation has on their investments. Phantom gains result in higher tax liability that depletes retirement income and confiscates a portion of the equity of their homes if they sell in order to move to a smaller dwelling.” The New York Times lambasted the Secretary’s remarks as “based on the faulty premise that individuals have a stronger claim on the assets they’ve accumulated than the government does.”

Dems Buy Websites Smearing GOP Senators

At first, the appearance of 27 new web domains with the names of incumbent Republican senators followed by “forsale” was feared to represent more Russian meddling with an upcoming election. Sen. Angus King, (I-Maine) called this “a malicious use of the Internet that is particularly concerning.”

Later, it was discovered that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) had set up these accounts. Lauren Passalacqua, communications director at the DSCC, characterized the smear as “a routine campaign practice.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.