By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

With polls showing a close race with her Republican challenger Josh Hawley, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) launched a campaign ad aimed at persuading voters that she is “not one of those crazy Democrats. If you look carefully at my record you’ll see that I am a sane Democrat. I haven’t claimed I’m an Indian. I haven’t urged mobs to harass Republicans in public places. And I definitely am not Spartacus.”

“Sure, there’s been a little bit of self-dealing on behalf of my husband, some tax evasion and eviction of a few disabled vets from one of our properties,” the Senator admitted. “But these are the normal, time-tested abuses of office that any long-sitting officeholder might engage in. Most voters have overlooked these peccadilloes as an insufficient reason to oust senators and lose the advantage of the seniority that can help bring more federal aid back to the state.”

A similar pitch was made by Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) in his efforts to fend off a surprisingly competitive Republican adversary Bob Hugin in the deep blue state. New Jersey hasn’t elected a Republican senator since 1972. Nevertheless, the contest between Menendez and Hugin is now rated a tossup.

“I’m a normal Democrat in a long line of Democrats that have represented the state in the US Senate,” Menendez asserts. “First, I have never been convicted of bribery or improper influence peddling. Second, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. Many others, including a former president did the same things my opponent is now trying to single me out for doing. Nothing I did there can fairly be held against me. This is what I want voters to know before they rashly gamble on the inexperienced novice running against me.”

Meanwhile, in the Florida gubernatorial contest, the Democratic candidate, Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum characterized questions about some of the illicit perks he enjoyed as mayor as “racist. They wouldn’t be asking me these questions if I were white. I’m sure that my white predecessors got as much or more than I did, lied about it, and got away with it. The implication that I am somehow uniquely culpable when they were not is a rebirth of the slavery the white man has imposed on black folks for centuries.”

Waters Says Trump Responsible for Political Violence

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) demanded that President Trump admit responsibility for the political violence and incivility that has plagued the country since his election.

“We didn’t see people rioting in the streets when Obama was president,” Waters recalled. “And we wouldn’t be seeing it now if Hillary Clinton had been elected as she should’ve been. With Republicans in charge at the White House, the Senate and the House, Democrats were pushed into violence as a last resort.”

The Congresswoman insisted that “this is not aimless violence just for violence’s sake. Our targets aren’t random. We are going after Republicans wherever they may appear in public to let them know that we do not accept them as our governors. We are going after the deplorables who support Trump. We are going after white people who have enslaved and abused minorities since the founding of this country.”

“Trump could put an end to the violence if he would take responsibility, resign, and hand the office over to Sec. Clinton,” Waters suggested. “Given the choice of continued violent opposition vs. the return to civility that she has promised once Democrats are back in charge, that is the only right thing for Trump to do. Every day he insists on staying in office endangers more lives and puts America under more stress. His refusal to do what the resistance demands is unpatriotic.”

A contrary perspective was offered by President Trump who contends that “a big part of what is driving the anger that is degrading civility and provoking violence stems from purposely false and misleading so-called news put out by the mainstream media.”

In related news, the New York Times published a fictional story in which a Secret Service agent assigned to protect President Trump assists a Russian spy to assassinate him. The story was one of a batch of entries the paper solicited from “today’s most talented spy and crime novelists” who were asked to speculate on how Trump’s presidency might end. Times Book Review editor Pamela Paul called the story “the kind of ending most of our readers have been fantasizing about since the night Trump was declared the winner of the 2016 election. We just had to publish it as a reward for our loyal subscribers.”

Bipartisan Support for Open Borders

Two potential 2020 presidential contenders placed their bets on open borders as a winning issue in their expected bids for the office. California Sen. Kamala Harris (D) and Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) both made strong statements in support of the caravan from Guatemala that aims to crash its way into the US by election day 2018.

“America is a welcoming place,” Harris said. “We are, after all, a nation built on immigration. The people in this caravan are just like the people in America. We all want a government that puts food on the table and pays our bills. This is the immigrants’ right as human beings. We have no legitimate or moral authority to exclude them from the bounty the Earth has bestowed on the land we live in. We need to let them in and get them registered to vote so they can democratically protect their human rights.”

Kasich alleges that “God wants us to welcome the caravan. Many of these people have been coerced by criminals to come to America. Thugs threaten them saying ‘if you don’t do what we want, we will rape your daughter or kill your son if he’s not a drug mule.’ Now, they’re all marching north—victims and criminals alike—and it could easily have been all of us. That’s why we have to let them all in.”

Of course, President Trump has been repeatedly excoriated by Democrats and the media for complaining that our open borders allow criminals into the country. While most of the immigrants in the caravan are not criminals, criminals are among them. One migrant in the caravan told Fox News that “criminals are everywhere.” Guatemalan police have rescued some children from human traffickers traveling with the caravan. And some of the migrants stormed in and looted a public market in Chiapas, Mexico.

CNN Says Trump a “White Nationalist”

President Trump’s assertion that he is a “nationalist” inspired CNN reporter Jim Acosta to characterize him as a “white nationalist.” Trump’s remarks were in the context of trying to differentiate his views from those of a globalist, who he argued “is a person that wants the globe to do well, frankly, not caring about our country so much. I’m a nationalist. I want what’s good for America.”

In what Acosta hoped would be a “gotcha moment” at a White House meeting for the press, he pointed out to the President that “saying you’re a nationalist combined with the fact that you’re white makes you a ‘white nationalist.’ Isn’t publicly saying you’re a nationalist another one of your ‘dog whistle’ coded messages to your fascist supporters?”

“You guys at CNN can’t even make up your minds about me,” Trump replied. “Considering all your complaints about me being too blunt and outspoken. Look, I don’t do coded messages. If I want to say something I say it. If I don’t say something it doesn’t mean I secretly said it in code. Why can’t you just report the news without making up all the fake stuff? Jim, just because you have an idea doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. The fact that CNN’s ratings have gone down the drain ought to have clued you in that the bogus crap you are pushing isn’t being swallowed.”

Cash Giveaways to Fight Poverty

Declaring that “it is unfair that whites have more money than minorities,” Sen. Cory (Spartacus) Booker (D-NJ) has concocted a plan to hand wads of cash to “deserving black kids.” Dubbing these giveaways “opportunity accounts,” Booker boasted that “there’s no telling what these young people are capable of doing if only they had the money to do it.”

Under Booker’s scheme minority youths would be eligible for “no strings grants of up to $50,000 they could use for wealth-building purposes. Most of the investment opportunities in the ghetto require cash. We’ll be giving these youngsters cash they could use to buy valuable merchandise for resale in smaller lots, or tools to obtain money from strangers, or to go to college to major in black or LGBTQ studies. The possibilities are virtually limitless.”

The Senator contrasted his plan with “the sterile programs of yesteryear. Unlike the burdensome obligation to pay back money from student or small business loans, these grants are theirs to keep and use as they please. And since many of the business options available will operate in the informal economy where there are no taxes or legal impediments every dollar can be reinvested in their businesses.”

Leftists Express their Ideas on Religious Tolerance

In a speech at a Democratic National Convention event in Philadelphia sponsored by the Boycott, Divest and Sanctions (BDS) movement, the House Armed Services Committee member Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) compared Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria to “termites.”

In New York City, posters calling Christian supporters of President Trump “trash” began appearing attached to city litter baskets. Vito Turo, a spokesman for the city’s Department of Sanitation, hastened to reassure city residents that “we do not condone the unlawful defacement of City litter baskets and have asked the artist who designed these posters to submit them for review and approval before posting any more of them. It is the City’s prerogative to judge the aesthetic merits of any artistic creation that appears in any public place.”

The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that characterizing the Muslim Prophet Muhammed’s marriage to a six-year-old as pedophilia is not protected freedom of speech “because it conflicts with the right of others to have their religious feelings protected. Seeing how passionate Muslims can be when their beliefs are rejected by others, pubic safety requires us to suppress these inflammatory words.”

In Michigan, former Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards told the National Council of Jewish Women’s annual Women of Vision conference that “one of the sweetest moments of my life was working with President Obama to force Christians to fund abortions under the Affordable Care Act. Sticking it to those insufferable Little Sisters of the Poor nuns who wanted to evade their obligation to the state by claiming a phony religious prohibition against taking an innocent life was the high point of my career. Sadly, the Supreme Court undid the progress we’d made by siding with these fanatics. But I have confidence that the next time Democrats control the White House and Congress we will pack the Court with enough correct thinking justices to reverse the recent Court’s error.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Clinton aide Philippe Reines says the twice unsuccessful presidential candidate is “seriously considering running against Trump in 2020. On the one hand, she’s really disappointed in how voters treated her in 2016. They had their chance to elect the smartest woman in America to be their president, but they blew it. On the other hand, her great love for the country may drive her to once again sacrifice her own personal comfort in one more battle to save the nation from the ravages of the Trump Administration and the Republican Party.”

“She concerned about the Trump agenda of fostering rapid economic growth and opening up more job opportunities—a record 7.14 million at last count—this is more than there are applicants available to fill them,” Reines observed. “This is a cleverly designed scheme to destroy a major Democratic constituency by driving them into the workforce against their will. The prospect of exterminating a way of life that has sustained generations of Democratic voters has led to increasingly violent objections. Rather than see the nation continue to be torn apart by this violence, Hillary feels it may be her patriotic duty to give voters another chance to correct their previous mistakes of not electing her when they had the opportunity in 2008 and 2016.”

“Look at the whole issue of recent mob violence,” Reines suggested. “We didn’t see this kind of thing when Obama was president. Sure, there were some TEA Party protests, but they were ineffectually peaceful. Putting Democrats back in power could reestablish that more pacific relationship between those in and out of power. I think what Hillary is trying to communicate to voters is that we all can have more peace and civility under Democratic rule where the opponents of government policy restrict themselves to legal methods of trying to sway policymakers. Many of the more intellectually aware Republicans recognize this and would willingly trade the chaos spawned by opposition to Trump’s policies for a return to the old ways of across-the-aisle cooperation exemplified by the late Sen. McCain.”

Reines pointed out that “a comeback isn’t as ridiculous as many assume. Hillary is younger than Trump and Joe Biden—two of her likely opponents in 2020—and would have the edge in appealing to younger voters who might like to support someone closer to their own age. I think her message that the nation won’t have civility until Democrats are back in charge in Washington is perfectly in tune with the current mood of the people. Other Democrats like Rep Waters and former Attorney General Holder have grasped the essence of this message, but neither has the eloquence or gravitas that Hillary brings to the table.”

Clinton’s call for Democrats to be uncivil received words of support from her former running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (Virginia) who called for Democrats “to fight in the streets. When we are in the minority in Congress and a Republican is president there are no constitutional means for advancing our cause other than the First Amendment right to assemble and make our grievances known by, as Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer urged, ‘any means necessary.’”

In a related statement about Democratic Party values, the Allegheny County Democrat Party in Pennsylvania fired recently hired Executive Director Mark Salvas for “making statements that don’t reflect the Party’s values or the message it is trying to convey to voters.” Salvas’ offensive statement: “I stand for the flag, I kneel for the cross.”

Breaks Start to Go Beto’s Way in Texas Senate Race

This week Democratic candidate for the Texas US Senate Beto O’Rourke got a major boost when former Mexican President Vicente Fox endorsed him over his GOP rival Sen. Ted Cruz. Fox pleaded with Texas voters to back O’Rourke, saying “it’s the only way to ensure that the f*cking wall is never built. The path must remain open for Mexicans to enter Texas and reverse the land-grab perpetrated in 1836.”

Meanwhile, the Hollywood glitterati is all atwitter over the aspiring would-be senator. Danny Deraney, a Hollywood publicist, said “I haven’t seen such excitement about a candidate since Obama was running. Despite the fact that he is white, Beto has the same kind of boyish Irish charm that the Kennedys had. LeBron James, Ellen DeGeneres, Tony Dungy and Stephen King are just a few of megastars that have endorsed him. Steve Kerr, the coach of the NBA’s Golden State Warriors has gone even further and suggested a Beto O’Rourke-Gregg Popovich (coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs) Democratic ticket for the 2020 presidential election. If Beto was running in California he’d be a shoo-in. It may be tougher in Texas, but the voters there would be fools to not want this cutie pie as their senator.”

O’Rourke was also buoyed by polls showing him way ahead with millennial voters. An informal canvas of O’Rourke supporters at Texas A&M found no one who could name any accomplishment or substantive basis for electing him. One respondent insisted this, by itself, was the best reason for sending him to the senate, insisting that “the lack of accomplishments leaves more room for an upside. He’s like a ‘blank slate’ who can be whoever we want him to be.”

In a bid to solidify the millennial vote, O’Rourke argued that “sending me to the Senate would make impeaching Trump more efficient. I will still be in the House of Representatives from November to early January where I could vote on Articles of Impeachment. After that I would be in the Senate where I could vote to convict. This gives Texas voters two shots at ousting the usurper for the price of one vote. No other candidate offers a comparable payoff to his voters.”

A potential “ace-in-the-hole” for the O’Rourke campaign may be the voter registration cards the Democratic Party has been sending to illegal immigrants with a pre-printed “yes” in the citizenship box and a return postage-paid envelope addressed to state election officials. On top of this, his campaign has raised $60 million—three times the size of previous winning campaign war chests.

Senator Touts DNA Proof of Cherokee Heritage

This week, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made a big show of unveiling results of a DNA test she asserted “proves my Cherokee heritage” and demanded “an apology and a million dollars” from President Trump, who had previously offered the sum for proof of the Senator’s Indian heritage.

Observers from various segments of the political spectrum were not as impressed as Warren had anticipated. The test was conducted by a personal friend, not an independent lab. No Cherokee DNA was involved in the test, samples from Mexico and Peru were used instead. The results indicated that the range of possible relationship between Warren and Mexicans and/or Peruvians was between 1.5% on the high side to 0.1% (one-tenth of a percent) on the low side. Inasmuch as the average American of European descent has about 0.2% DNA traced to pre-Columbus inhabitants of the Americas, Warren’s claim to be a Cherokee is not well-supported by the evidence.

Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr. called Warren’s test “useless as a method of proving cultural affiliation with the Cherokees or any other tribe in North or South America. Senator Warren has not lived as a Cherokee for any part of her life. Instead, she has used a bogus claim of affinity to dishonestly advance her academic and political careers. This disrespects genuine members of our tribe.”

MSNBC Political Analyst Zerlina Maxwell characterized the Cherokee response as “racist. The idea that you have to be a Cherokee in order to claim to be a Cherokee is closed-minded. It’s the same kind of thinking that says if you’re born male you can’t legitimately claim to be female or vice versa. That’s just wrong. Every person must be free to declare themselves to be whoever they want to be. Everyone else should be required to take that person’s word for it. That Sen. Warren was hounded into a desperate attempt to corroborate her claim is a massive step backward from the new way of thinking that President Obama tried to impose on the country.”

US CO2 Emissions Plummet

U.S. greenhouse gas emissions fell 2.7% during the first year of the Trump Administration. At the same time, global greenhouse emissions rose. In the European Union these emissions rose by 1.5%. In France they rose by 2%. Emissions in China and India are also believed to have risen by even larger amounts, but these countries are exempt under the Paris Accord and do not have to keep statistics on air quality.

Rather than appreciating America’s progress, environmental interest groups have been critical. Sierra Club executive director Michael Brune refused to credit the Trump Administration for any of the US emission reductions “because not only has Mr. Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Accord, he openly voices his skepticism on global warming. Regardless of the ‘on-the-ground’ positive results, clearly his head is not in the right place. That is why we’re telling everyone to vote Democrat in the upcoming elections. We simply must get right-thinking people into positions of power if we hope to reverse the economic growth that is destroying the planet. Only when the vast majority of humanity is forced to lead a simpler lifestyle free from modern conveniences and long lives can we succeed in removing the human virus infects nature.”

EPA acting Administrator Andrew Wheeler, in contrast, lauded the emissions progress made last year. “The main point of improving the environment is to make the Earth a better place for humans and other life forms,” Wheeler argued. “Rational approaches that can generate cleaner air and more prosperity are the kind of win-win situations that will enjoy a broad base of support from the American people. The evidence shows that so far, we are on the right track.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week twice-failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged the Democratic mob to continue their efforts to intimidate and harass the Party’s opponents “until Democrats are restored to power.” President Obama’s former Attorney General Eric Folder seconded Clinton’s remarks calling them “the kind of tough stance we need to ram our message into the skulls of the American voter.”

Holder explicitly rejected former First Lady Michelle Obama’s advice that Democrats “should take the high road,” saying that “the time for polite debate has long since passed. We need more people like Jordan Hunt to take our fight for social justice into the streets.”

Jordan Hunt is the Canadian who was videotaped kicking Marie-Claire Bissonnette, an antiabortion protester sitting on the pavement at a demonstration in Toronto on September 23. Hunt tried to justify his assault by alleging “I was trying to kick the phone she was using to videotape me when I tore up her posters. I was a bit off target and ended up kicking her shoulder. But it wasn’t a total miss because her phone went flying and I did manage to tear her anti-abortion button off before I fled the scene. It’s my bad luck that her video survived and led police to me.”

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) disputed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s characterization of the insane ranting that has become the signature style of the Democratic Party as “mob tactics.” “You are underestimating us,” she warned. “We are no mere mob. We are the vanguard of the progressive revolution that will smash the reactionary elements who oppose our struggle to transform this country into a people’s republic. History has shown that the righteous wrath of the oppressed to be an irresistible force. In the end, the Grand Old Party will be as unable to stop us as the grand old tsar was unable to stop Lenin.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) blamed the Republicans for the rise of Democrat mobs. “They’re the ones who refuse to give us what we want,” Waters pointed out. “We wouldn’t have to be getting in their faces, hounding them, scaring them, and driving them from public places if they weren’t successfully resisting our demands. We didn’t used to have to take things so far. It used to be that Republicans would grumble a little bit and then give in. But with Trump egging them on they’ve morphed into a different animal that now requires more extreme methods if we want the revolution to succeed.”

“We’ve seen how the Republicans have abused their power since they stole the 2016 election from me,” Clinton asserted. “They rammed through a tax cut that has deprived the government of sorely needed resources and left that money in the hands of ignorant and selfish anti-government corporations and individuals. And Trump is nominating exclusively conservative judges and the GOP-controlled Senate is confirming them despite the serious allegations our Party has made against them. These are blows aimed at thwarting the changes President Obama promised voters. Democrats can’t be expected to accept these abuses without fighting back by whatever means are necessary.”

Meanwhile, some insight into the type of “civility” we might expect from an ascendant Democratic Party was provided by a Google briefing book titled The Good Censor. The book admits that Google has taken upon itself the responsibility of policing civility by censoring non-conforming views. Pichai Sundararajan, chief executive officer of Google, explained “when people share a common belief system there are fewer grounds for disagreement and fewer opportunities for uncivil interactions. By filtering out and suppressing the viewpoint outliers we are promoting the kind of unanimity that is conducive to a more civil society.”

In related news, a coven of witches has announced plans to cast a hex on newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh during an occult ritual to be held on October 20 in New York City. The event is being sponsored by Catland Books—“Brooklyn’s premiere occult bookshop.” Fifty percent of the funds raised by the event will go charity—25% to a homeless shelter and help center for LGBTQ youth and 25% to Planned Parenthood “in honor of the heroic actions of Jordan Hunt on behalf of our cause.”

Fusion GPS Founder to Take 5th

Amid a rising tide of evidence implicating his firm in a conspiracy to rig the 2016 presidential election and the subsequent post-election attempted deep-state coup, Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson says he will invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination if Congress insists that he testify before the House Judiciary Committee.

Working at the behest of the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign, Fusion GPS paid former British spy Christopher Steele to compile a dossier of unverified salacious allegations that was meant to torpedo Trump’s chances of winning the 2016 election. When the dossier failed to produce the desired election outcome it was then used by corrupt elements in the Department of Justice and FBI to bamboozle the FISA Court to approve covert surveillance of the new president. The dossier also served as the source of “news” stories planted with co-conspiring media in the hope that it would produce public outrage against President Trump.

For his part, Simpson maintains that “I was responding to a higher loyalty than mere observance of obscure statutory law. I see no reason to stick my neck into the noose being prepared by Republicans who are now trying to use those laws against me. If they want to prosecute me they’ll have to do it without my help.”

Lawyers for Simpson complain that “it is clear that the goal of the House Committee is to discredit the painstakingly constructed story of Trump-Russia collusion that our client and his associates compiled in their patriotic effort to spare the country from the nightmarish Trump Administration. That story is Glenn Simpson’s truth. He has a right to be believed until the Committee or some other party can conclusively prove it to be untrue.”

Media Disses Kanye West for Meeting with Trump

Stumped by what they regard as “an inexplicable deviation from everything we’ve come to believe about race in America,” talking heads at MSNBC and CNN were at a loss for how to explain the friendly relationship between rapper musician Kanye West and President Donald Trump during their meeting to discuss prison reform.

CNN’s Don Lemon said “West’s notion that he could persuade Trump to take him seriously is a betrayal of his race. Every sane black person knows that hatred is the only acceptable attitude to have when it comes to Trump. Even if West does get Trump to adopt some of his ideas that would only strengthen this arch enemy of America’s minorities. The best I think West can hope for is to become the token negro of the Trump Administration.”

CNN political commentator Bakari Sellers augmented Lemon’s take, saying “Kanye West is what happens when Negros don’t read. All the authentic black intellectuals have written reams of material explaining why blacks need to stay with the Party that has enabled generations of our people to receive trillions of dollars in welfare benefits. West’s idea that his path of success through hard work can be replicated is unrealistic.”

Over at MSNBC, Stephanie Ruhle called President Trump’s meeting with West an “assault on our White House. This is the house where President Obama struggled for eight years to tear down the capitalist system that West now wants to save for his own selfish satisfaction. He is thinking for himself rather than standing with his brothers and sisters in solidarity with the progressive cause.”

Dem Bill to Limit Health Options Fails

A bill aimed at preventing consumers from choosing health insurance plans that better fit their needs was introduced in the Senate by Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY). If passed, the bill would overrule President Trump’s executive order expanding options beyond the limited list of expensive choices mandated under Obamacare.

Schumer complained that “the freedom President Trump injected into federal health care policy allows healthy individuals to choose insurance that is suited to their own needs, regardless of the needs of other, less healthy individuals. As Trump would have it, people who don’t want to pay for coverage they don’t need can do so. This violates the essential premise of President Obama’s health care vision, namely, that everyone should pay for everyone else’s health insurance. He was wise enough to realize that only by compelling the majority to pay for what they don’t want can the government guarantee that everyone gets the health care that experts agree they ought to have.”

The Senator also argued that “Trump’s approach poses a significant threat to the health care industry. Expensive Obamacare plans cover expensive treatments that hospitals and pharmaceutical companies depend upon for their income. These companies are virtually unanimous in their support for Obamacare. Are we going to listen to the best and brightest when it comes to crafting policy? Or are we going to let Trump’s misguided reverence for individualistic ideals destroy President Obama’s socially responsible conception of how we ought to do things?”

Even moderate Republicans rejected Schumer’s arguments. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn) pointed out that “the plans authorized by President Trump allow those not enamored of nanny-state compulsion to make their own choices.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) said “our constituents deserve more options, not fewer.” Schumer’s bill narrowly failed on a 50-50 tie vote. That’s how thin a margin there is for freedom in the upper house of Congress.

Hillary Says Allegations Against Bill Were Different

In an interview with CNN’s Christiane Amanpour former First Lady Hillary Clinton explained the difference between the sexual allegations made against her husband and those made against Donald Trump.

“First of all, Bill was thoroughly investigated,” she reminded. “There was forensic evidence of his semen on Monica’s dress. So it wasn’t just a ‘he said, she said’ type of case. Second, at the time many women publicly stated that they would gladly service Bill out of gratitude for his support of abortion. Third, the media didn’t make a big deal out of it. They realized he was doing a bang-up job as president and were willing to grant forgiveness for his peccadilloes.”

“Contrast that with Trump’s situation,” she went on. “There is no forensic evidence, but there are plenty of clues that have yet to be investigated. On the Access Hollywood tape we have Trump bragging about grabbing women’s private parts. In the Steele dossier there is a report of Trump paying prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed. And Stormy Daniels says the two of them had consensual sex while Trump was married to Melania.”

“When you get right down to it, Trump looks pretty wimpy compared to Bill,” Hillary maintained. “Bill was daring. Bill wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I think voters respected him for that and reelected him many times as governor of Arkansas and again as president. To me, that is as clear an exoneration as a person could expect in this country. I would’ve gotten a similar exoneration if voters hadn’t been duped by Trump. Fortunately, I did get a consolation exoneration from the FBI.”

UK Government Eyeing Pizza Regulations

In a move to combat what it calls an “obesity epidemic,” Public Health England (PHE) is crafting rules to limit the size and number of toppings on pizzas. Dr Alison Tedstone, PHE chief nutritionist, promised that “our efforts will go beyond merely requiring restaurants to add healthier options to their menus. The real problem in our view is that customers could still choose unwisely. If we strictly control what can be offered we can eliminate unhealthy choices so that the consumer cannot make an unwise choice.”

Public Health Minister Steve Brine said the Government was “willing to do whatever it takes to keep children healthy and well in this country. If that means dictating what they can and cannot eat, then so be it. Ideally, this should be their parents’ job, but too many of them are themselves obese and blind to the risks of overeating.”

“Hopefully, we can get the number of calories per individual pizza down to no more than 695,” Brine said. “That’s about 70% pf the amount in a typical unregulated pie.” Asked what would prevent customers from simply buying an additional pizza, the Minister replied that “we are relying on the inconvenience factor combined with the general lethargy of our youth to minimize this risk. If that proves insufficient we are prepared to back it up by surveillance and surprise raids to deter attempts to evade the intent of the rules.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

After reaching an agreement with Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) to a one-week FBI effort to corroborate the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford alleging that somewhere at some time during her teen years a teen-aged Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her, Senate Democrats rejected the findings.

Ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) called the FBI probe “incomplete. All they did was confirm that the witnesses named by Dr. Ford could not corroborate her story. They did not interview the hundreds of Kavanaugh’s high school and college classmates who may have known something of events that might or might not have taken place during the tumultuous decade of the 1980s. In his testimony Judge Kavanaugh admitted to liking beer. The FBI neglected to probe further the magnitude of this love for this alcoholic beverage and whether it may have led to behavior inappropriate for a future judge.”

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) lamented that “our fears have been realized. Rather than embarking on a broad investigatory probe like Special Counsel Mueller has, the FBI was limited to the scope agreed upon by the Flake-Coons compromise. For all we know, Kavanaugh could’ve been involved in the Russian meddling with the 2016 election, or have cheated on his taxes, or have at one time or another known someone who had. This chain of events vindicates my initial inclination to oppose anyone that Donald Trump nominates to any high office.”

Senate Judiciary Committee member Cory Booker (D-NJ) brushed aside the lack of corroboration, saying “at this point, whether Kavanaugh is guilty or innocent is no longer relevant. Maybe the Judge is an honorable man, but so many questions have been raised that if he were he would’ve already stepped down. That he hasn’t convinces me that he is the wrong man for the job.”

Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) acknowledged that “the FBI report does, technically, meet the terms of what Sen. Flake and I agreed to, but at this point, the accuracy of Dr. Ford’s allegations is irrelevant. My biggest objection to Kavanaugh is his ill-tempered objection to being smeared. It is one thing for us senators to launch scurrilous attacks. That is part of the give-and-take of politics. It is quite another for a would-be Supreme Court Justice to vociferously object. No other nominee, with the possible exception of Justice Thomas, has exhibited such ill-temper toward senators at a confirmation hearing. At this point, Kavanaugh is damaged goods. Can anyone now doubt that his anger at us might influence his decisions in a partisan way going forward?”

After a reporter reminded him that current Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has engaged in partisan remarks regarding election campaigns, Coons said “that proves my point. If a Justice who was confirmed in a bipartisan 96-3 vote would step over the line it seems even more of a risk that a Justice almost unanimously opposed by all Democrats and savaged by many of them might be significantly dissuaded to buy arguments on behalf of the partisan interests and issues favored by Democrats in cases heard at the Court. Clearly, that ought to disqualify him.”

Meanwhile, Oregon Democratic Sen. Jeff Merkley’s quixotic bid to have a court block a Senate vote on Kavanaugh’s confirmation was dealt a setback by Republican Major Leader Mitch McConnell’s determination to press ahead with a vote by Saturday. In his original lawsuit, Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the federal district court in Washington, DC had set next Tuesday to hear arguments. Merkley is now asking Berman for an injunction to bar a vote until his suit can be heard. “With the White House and both houses of Congress in Republican hands, the courts are the last hope for preserving the Democratic agenda,” Merkley pointed out. “If Kavanaugh is confirmed this weekend the progressive movement’s last bastion may be lost for decades. Judge Jackson was appointed by President Obama. Surely, she must recognize that the prescribed Constitutional separation of powers cannot be allowed to stymie her much needed intervention.”

Leftist Threats over Kavanaugh Proliferate

Democratic Senators aren’t the only ones behaving badly in the Kavanaugh confirmation process. Planned Parenthood sent out a tweet warning saying “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vote NO on #Kavanaugh or else we’re coming for you.”

Dawn Laguens, Executive Vice President of the organization, justified the vague threat, saying that “preservation of the sacred right of abortion is essential to the health of the women’s movement. Anyone who will not commit to upholding this right against all challenges or limitations is an enemy of the movement. Enemies should expect to be attacked.”

Laguens reserved “a very special contempt” for Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) who announced her support of Kavanaugh on Friday afternoon. “For years we’ve backed her as a solid vote for abortion only to see her put some cockeyed allegiance to ‘due process’ and ‘evidence’ ahead of believing women who tell their rape stories. She has gone over to the dark side and must be punished for her betrayal.”

Democratic congressional staffer Jackson Cosko was caught “doxxing”–publishing the home addresses of Republican Senators Mike Lee, Orrin Hatch of Utah and Lindsey Graham. The publication of such information allows fanatics easier access to harass or attack these individuals.

Cosko had been working for Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) but was fired after his arrest. Cosko, who describes himself as a “Democratic political professional with cybersecurity expertise,” complained he is being “made the scapegoat. Sen. Schumer said we would take down Kavanaugh by any means necessary. I did what I thought it was my duty to do given my computer savvy and commitment to the revolution. Since I was only carrying out the will of the Party’s leader I should have the same immunity he has.”

Porn lawyer and early front-runner for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Michael Avenatti boasted that “I have the names of dozens of new accusers that the FBI and Senate failed to include in their process. Not only will I be feeding out these accusations to the media one-by-one between now and 2020, but once I am elected president I will pack the court with people more in tune with the wishes of the voters. I will put an end to the stilted system where justice positions are reserved for lawyers and judges and balance out the codgers and hags that have dominated the Court with true tribunes of the people—people like Julie Swetnick and Deborah Ramirez, whose heroic efforts to derail the Kavanaugh appointment show them to be individuals of extraordinary merit—just the kind needed to transform this hoary institution.”

At the University of Texas, Austin an angry anti-Kavanaugh mob disrupted a peaceful demonstration by the Young Conservatives of Texas (YCT) in support of the Judge’s confirmation—tearing up their signs, chanting f*ck YCT, and attempting to intimidate them. An ad hoc leader of the mob explained “there are some views that don’t deserve the privilege of being heard. It is our right as the vanguard of the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama to fight the dissemination of anti-social ideas by whatever means necessary.”

At the University of Southern California 100 students demanded that Professor James Moore be fired for responding to a broadcast email urging students to “believe survivors.” Moore’s reply noting that “accusers sometimes lie” and advocating a stronger appreciation of “due process” enraged these students.

The school’s Dean Jack Knott called Moore’s email “extremely inappropriate, hurtful, insensitive” and promised to “convene a faculty meeting to discuss the appropriate steps needed to combat the type of bias exhibited by Professor Moore. What he said is not what our school represents.”

For his part, Moore expressed remorse, hoping that might save the job he’s held for 30 years. “It was never my intention to hurt anyone,” he said. “I guess I’ve been reviewing so many cases of kangaroo justice when it comes to unsubstantiated allegations ruining the college careers of too many students to be adequately sensitive to the feelings of those who think that allegations must be believed unless the accused can conclusively prove they are untrue. For that I am deeply sorry and will correct my thinking on this issue if I’m given a second chance.”

Georgetown Professor C. Christine Fair declared that “white Republican men deserve miserable deaths while feminists laugh as they take their last gasps” for supporting Kavanaugh (who she slandered by calling a “serial rapist”) and that “their corpses should be castrated and fed to swine.” Georgetown University said Fair’s views “fit within the school’s guidelines. We do not prohibit ideas, even when those ideas may be difficult, controversial or objectionable. The University is a place where the free and open discussion of the evils inflicted throughout history by while males must be protected from criticism.”

Nadler Vows “Real” Investigation

Contending the “the Senate has grossly failed to carry out its advise and consent responsibilities in the Kavanaugh matter,” Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) vowed that “when I’m chairman of the House Judiciary Committee after the elections we will reopen the investigation. For one, I think Mr. Avenatti has come forward with some pretty interesting possibilities.”

Nadler says he “will be filing for a subpeona requiring FBI Director Wray to handover all relevant documents and testify under oath” and promised that “unlike the namby-pamby Republicans, I won’t take no for an answer. Ultimately, even if we can’t impeach Kavanaugh we can create enough suspicion to make his life a living hell. This, I think, will send a stern message to Trump that his days of getting his way in anything that requires congressional acquiescence are over.”

In order for Nadler to make good on his promise Democrats will have to win enough seats to gain a majority in the House. While the prospects of this happening have recently been put in doubt by the over-the-top behavior of so many Senate Democrats, Nadler expressed confidence that “my announcement today will reverse the tide. Once voters know that I will be the one in charge if they vote Democrat our Party’s victory is assured.”

Former Clinton advisor and CNN political commentator Paul Begala echoed Nadler’s confidence. “Once the GOP-controlled Senate votes to confirm Kavanaugh women are going to be furious! They’ll turn out in droves to vote Democrat while Republican men, satisfied with Kavanaugh’s nomination, will stay home and watch football instead of voting.” A possible flaw in Begala’s vision is that there are no football games on election day.

California Mandates Adding Women to Corp Boards

The California Legislature passed, and Gov. Jerry Brown signed, a new law requiring that every corporation located in the state have at least one female board member by the end of 2019 and three by the end of 2021.

Democrat State Senator Hannah-Beth Jackson, author of the legislation, asserted that the new requirement “will make businesses more successful. Everyone knows that women are smarter than men. Requiring that they be given more leadership roles will inject a greater degree of raw intelligence into corporate decision-making.”

The legislation is modeled on similar laws in Norway and France. “If a pair of the leading economies in the world have the good sense to compel this restructuring we don’t want to risk falling behind the curve,” Jackson argued.

Gov. Brown admitted there could be some risks to the state’s economy, but ventured that “sometimes you have to do the right thing regardless of the consequences. Could some corporations leave the state? Yes, but it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened. Our high tax rates have spurred many to relocate to other states. If we can survive that, surely the lesser irritation of requiring a few females be appointed to boards of directors ought not to have much impact.”

Brown also cited a broader rationale and suggested that “there may be forces at work to mitigate the actual process. We already recognize the right of men to declare themselves to be female or gender-fluid and enter women’s locker rooms and toilets. They could do the same in order to meet the new requirement for female board members. I mean, if we can get used to an anatomically male female showering in the ladies’ locker room we should be able to get used to them in the corporate board room.”

As an example of his reasoning, Brown observed that “Angelos Sofocleous, assistant editor of the Durham University philosophy journal Critique, was recently fired for asking ‘is it a crime to say women don’t have penises?’ In our modern way of thinking, the answer is yes. This realization lights the way to men currently on corporate boards saving their jobs by coming out of the closet and admitting they are transgender. So, I think California is, once again, taking on the role of trailblazer when it comes to social innovations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.