By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
This past week, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned European politicians that “the lack of tough-sounding rhetoric regarding immigrants and refugees has paved the way for right-wing populists like Hungary’s Viktor Orbán, the Alternative for Germany Party, and Donald Trump to gain traction with voters. Preying on voters’ fears that allowing masses of semi-civilized immigrants into their countries endangers their cultural history, these political outsiders have threatened the long-term progressive governing coalition in several countries.”
Clinton advised that “we need to take a more nuanced message to the voters who currently matter in order to keep the doors open to voters who will, in gratitude for the better lives a generous social welfare state offers over the hellish conditions they are emigrating from, appreciate what the governing class has to offer them. If I had grasped this during my 2016 run for the U.S. presidency, Donald Trump’s message would have been blunted and he never would’ve become president.”
The former presidential candidate hastened to clarify that “I’m not saying that we need to close the doors to immigration so much as I’m saying that we need to sound like that is an option we are considering out of concern for voters who are being hurt by open borders. We need to use words like ‘comprehensive immigration reform’ and ‘a system that is fair to all’ even if in the end the result is no substantive change in our open borders policy. As the UN has recently proclaimed, migration is a human right. No country has a moral right to block the entry of anyone demanding admittance. The key is ensuring that a progressive elite retains the reins of government. A sophisticated messaging system will help us maintain control and block right-wing elements from interfering with our right to govern for the good of all humanity.”
Clinton expressed confidence in the success of an improved message “because deep down, people don’t want responsibility and freedom. They want to be told what to do and where to go and how to live. We social progressives are the only ones truly prepared to control these aspects of everyone’s lives. The right is still tied to anachronistic ideas of individual autonomy where each person is expected to chart the course of his own life.”
Obama Discusses 2018 Election Results
Disappointed that Democrats didn’t win every contested election in the 2018 mid-terms, former President Barack Obama charged that “too many voters are still confused, blind, filled with hate and racist. Given a clear choice between the progressive socialist values represented by Democrats in every state and district, a distressingly large number of voters persisted in pulling the lever for Republicans.”
Obama laid some of the blame on himself for not seeking a third term as president. “I’m confident that I would’ve won,” he boasted. “I would’ve gotten billions of dollars of in-kind publicity from a loyal press corps. The people love me. But I let myself be dissuaded by a constitutional quirk limiting presidents to two terms. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that I could’ve gotten a friendly judge to put a temporary restraining order on that constitutional provision. Once I was reelected who would’ve had the nerve to argue for overturning the will of the voters? My unthinking submission to a piece of paper denied voters their democratic right to freely choose their own government.”
According to the ex-president, a “silver lining” from the 2018 election results was the emergence of Texas Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke as a 2020 Democratic presidential contender. “He is, for all intents and purposes, a white version of me,” Obama asserted. “He is smooth, articulate, and a good looking guy. Like me, he had no significant accomplishments as a member of Congress and can define himself as whoever he wants to be. Even better, since he lost his senate race against Ted Cruz he is free to work full-time on a 2020 presidential campaign. This should give him a valuable head start in fund raising vs. other Democratic contenders who will be bogged down with attending to legislative duties over the next two years.”
Gov. Kasich Lurches Left
Eyeing a potential 2020 run against President Trump, Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R) took a dramatic left turn in his final months in office. Persuaded that his “everyone needs a hug” might be a bit too thin of a platform, Kasich decided to reverse gears on traditional Republican pro-life and pro-self-defense positions and veto the so-called “heartbeat bill” and “stand-your-ground bill.”
“The key factor in my decision was my perception that I must differentiate myself from Trump in any way I can,” Kasich explained. “If Trump is for something it must be wrong for America. So, when Trump came out as anti-abortion, I figure I have to oppose that position. The same goes for personal self-defense. Trump is such a strong advocate for Second Amendment rights that the only logical choice left for those of us who want to remove this monster from the presidency is to oppose the Second Amendment.”
Both bills have passed the Ohio House with veto-proof majorities, but the Governor has threatened “to ruin everyone’s Christmas holiday” by forcing the legislature to return for an override vote during Christmas week. “If these guys believe so strongly in protecting the lives of the unborn or allowing citizens to use deadly force against criminals let them sacrifice their comfort for their beliefs.”
Whether Kasich’s betrayal of Republican voters who elected him to two terms as Ohio’s governor will achieve the results he anticipates remains doubtful. Incoming Republican Gov. Mike Dewine favors both bills. So, a Kasich veto will likely only postpone enactment by a few months. As for boosting Kasich’s chances against Trump, it seems that a “newbie” baby killer and gun-grabber would be less attractive than one of the Democratic 2020 presidential contenders with a longer pedigree on these issues.
In related news, it appears that Kasich’s new position on abortion is in line with the Human Rights Committee of United Nations which just declared that “states must legalize abortion.” The declaration comes as a “reinterpretation” of an older UN provision stating that “Every human being has the inherent right to life. This right shall be protected by law.” The new interpretation includes legalization of assisted suicide and euthanasia. High Commissioner Michelle Bachelet Jeria explained “we needed to update our interpretation to deal with the emerging problems of surplus human population. The previous provision was drafted in the wake of World War II when the widespread destruction of human life was on everyone’s mind.”
NBC’s Chuck Todd Calls White House Media Rules “Absurd”
The recently released rules for White House press conference participants were excoriated by MSNBC talking head Chuck Todd as “absurd.” Under the announced rules each member of the press will be expected to yield the floor to another member of the press corps after asking a question unless the President, Press Secretary, or other official conducting the press conference allows a follow-up question, after which the questioner will be expected to yield the floor to a colleague.
“Insisting that we politely take turns is treating us like children,” Todd complained. “I mean, it’s not as if any member of the legitimate press corps at these conferences has a different opinion about Trump or his Administration. We all agree that he and it are the enemy of the American people. Each of us is dedicated to using every opportunity to make this point. Wresting the microphone away from whichever legitimate journalist possesses it is a ruse to allow illegitimate journalistic posers to break the train of thought by giving them an undeserved turn.”
Todd vowed “to fight such a rule with every ounce of my strength. If push comes to shove I will follow the example of CNN’s Jim Acosta and rebuff any attempt by any intern to pass the microphone to someone else not of my choosing. If this means pushing her away or even knocking her to the floor, so be it. The fate of our democracy is too important to be subverted by appeals to decorum or equal access to all points of view. No self-respecting member of the legitimate media will shy away from this battle no matter how rude and obnoxious we are forced to become in pursuit of our political agenda.”
Meanwhile, veteran journalist Carl Bernstein suggested that a better response would be for the media to stop airing unedited press conferences. “Our control of the narrative would be more complete if only the portions we deem newsworthy were allowed on the air,” Bernstein said. “This would cut off Trump’s direct communication with voters. All they would see is what we want them to see.”
9th Circuit Judge Blocks Trump Refugee Policy
US District Judge Jon Steven Tigar in San Francisco blocked the Trump Administration’s policy requiring applicants for refugee status to follow established legal procedures. According to Tigar, “the Trump Administration protocol discriminates against the estimated 500 members of the migrant caravan whose criminal records make following established legal procedures impractical. Under the Trump protocol these criminals would be automatically barred from entry—totally negating their chance for integrating themselves into the United States.”
Unsurprisingly, the Trump Administration denounced Tigar’s ruling, calling it contrary to law and vowing to appeal it to a higher court. “It’s just one more example of the outrageous and lawless behavior of the infamous 9th Circuit,” President Trump complained. “The numbers speak for themselves. The 9th Circuit has been overruled by the Supreme Court more than any other circuit in the country.”
U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts prematurely injected himself into the controversy by admonishing President Trump’s complaint about the 9th Circuit. “The President is unfairly accusing the 9th Circuit of political bias and overlooking the possibility that the judges there are simply incompetent. What Trump is characterizing as bias could be stupidity or ignorance. The frequent overturning of the 9th Circuit by the Supreme Court is, in my opinion, stronger evidence for ignorance of the law and Constitution than it is of political bias, which if intelligently crafted might have a better chance of avoiding reversal. And let’s not forget that the 9th Circuit is located in California—a state notorious for ill-considered and ignorant public policies enacted and carried out by non-judicial elements of the government. Right now half the state is on fire because Gov. Brown vetoed sensible fire control measures.”
Meanwhile, members of the migrant caravan have been complaining about the free tacos and refried beans being given to them, calling it “pig food” and citing this as a reason for rejecting Mexico’s offer of asylum. “We want to eat the same steaks wealthy Americans eat,” said the complaining refugee. “There’s no point in us settling for the same kind of crappy food that was available to us in Guatemala.”
NYC Mayor Calls for Government Control of All Property
Buoyed by the electoral success of so many democratic socialists in the recently concluded mid-terms, New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio wondered “if now is the time to implement the socialist ideal of total government control over all property. I think people all over this city, of every background, would like to have the city government determine which building goes where, how high it will be, who gets to live in it, and what the rent will be.”
“The current situation which requires people to take responsibility for where they live is socially unjust,” the Mayor argued. “Why should some people have nicer apartments merely because they can afford them? Wouldn’t it be better if the government could freely assess each person’s needs and assign him the space most appropriate for fulfilling those needs? I think most people are coming around to appreciate the approach successfully used by the Soviet Union to assign each person to the proper quantity of living space based on his social value to the collective. For some that may require them to accept government-assigned roommates if, in the judgment of housing authorities, their current living space is more than they are entitled to.”
DeBlasio acknowledged that his ideas “are likely to be opposed by those unduly attached to anti-social notions of individualism and privacy. But isn’t the transformation away from individualism and privacy and important part of what President Obama tried to achieve for this country? Maybe those who can’t currently accommodate themselves to the new way of thinking should be sent to reeducation facilities to help them grasp the correct way of thinking about social issues.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.
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