Planned Parenthood Explains Policy Toward Pregnant Employees

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A New York Times story describing the organization’s discrimination toward pregnant employees was dismissed by Planned Parenthood’s management. Newly appointed president Leana Wen explained that “visibly pregnant employees are ‘bad optics’ that work against our primary mission.”

“Look, we are trying to sell abortion procedures to our customers,” Wen said. “This is hard enough to do without the contradictory message being conveyed by employees who have let their personal lives intrude into their obligation to the organization. We have the right to take measures designed to discourage employees from undermining our business model out of a misplaced desire to bring another unneeded human into an overcrowded world.”

The “discouragements” management has aimed at pregnant employees include rejection of requests for breaks recommended by the employees’ doctors, denying pregnant employees and women who are viewed as likely to become pregnant promotions, the absence of paid maternity leave at 89% of Planned Parenthood’s regional offices, and openly boasting about the superior virtues of remaining single, being childless and/or lesbian.

NBC News Analyst Urges Indictment of Trump Children

NBC News legal analyst Jill Wine-Banks sent out a “tweet” suggesting that “if we can’t get Trump directly we could threaten to embroil his children in legal jeopardy.” Banks pointed out that “Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller used this tactic to persuade Gen. Flynn to plead guilty to a crime he didn’t commit. Maybe it would work the same magic if Trump’s sons and daughters were similarly threatened.”

Addressing concerns that such a tactic might be construed as extortion, Banks asserted “we are at war to determine who shall rule America. Will it be the obviously unqualified interloper Donald Trump? Or will it be the coalition of Republicans and Democrats who have controlled the government since the 1990s? We must use every possible weapon at our disposal to ensure that the right side wins this war.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey lauded Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s handling of the Flynn prosecution. “We we tried to lure Gen. Flynn into a perjury trap while he was Trump’s national security adviser and we couldn’t do it,” Comey admitted. “But Mueller was able to lose the original interview notes where our agents said they didn’t think Flynn was lying. Then, by threatening the General’s son with prosecution he was able to persuade him to plead guilty to lying to the FBI. It was sheer brilliance.”

Democrat Slams GOP Vote for Border Security Funding

Rising socialist star Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) expressed her outrage with Republican spending priorities that added $5.7 billion in border security funding and $3 billion in emergency disaster relief funds to the federal budget.

“They’ve shown their true colors,” she exclaimed. “They’d rather throw up barriers to the free migration that the United Nations has declared a human right than fund higher priorities like free college tuition, green jobs, prescription refills, and self-care for hard-working members of congress.”

She pointed to the inclusion of the emergency disaster relief money in the bill as “a not too subtle admission that blocking the migration of a class of people who we desperately need to supply the votes that will ensure the socialist transformation of this country constitutes a disaster of major magnitude.”

Dem Calls Trump Food Stamp Reform “Cruel and Unusual”

In a reversal of the Obama Administration’s granting states more latitude to waive work requirements as a condition for food stamp eligibility, President Trump has directed his Department of Agriculture to shift food aid recipients “from dependence to independence and from welfare to gainful employment—as the bipartisan law originally intended.”

Under the legislation creating the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) able-bodied adults without children are required to work 20 hours per week or participate in job training in order to continue to receive benefits. States were allowed to waive this requirement if unemployment was too high to make finding a job a realistic option. During the sluggish economy that prevailed when Obama was president more and more states were granting blanket exemptions from the work requirement. Now that unemployment is at historic lows in most of the United States the Trump Administration wants to reduce the frequency of waivers.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich), the ranking minority member of the Senate Agriculture Committee, called Trump’s efforts “a potential violation of the Constitution. Previous administrations have recognized that compelling individuals to work for a living goes against the Eighth Amendment prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. A wealthy country like ours has the means to relieve a substantial portion of the population from the necessity to toil for a living. Making the able-bodied segment of those receiving food aid accept jobs they would rather not do represents a return to the slavery that we fought a war to abolish in the 1860s. Hopefully, the courts will overturn this lurch toward tyranny by Trump.”

Trump, Pence, GOP Senators Will Be Ousted by Easter

Unsuccessful Florida Democratic candidate for Congress Pam Keith boldly predicted that President Trump, Vice-President Pence and a number of “criminally culpable Republican senators” would be ousted from office and under arrest before Easter 2019.

“Not only were Trump and his henchmen knee deep in a conspiracy with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful election as president, they are also guilty of obstructing the Special Counsel’s persecution of them. They have lied to the FBI—a most serious crime against the state—but also to the American people who they duped into voting for them. The GOP senators who have endorsed Trump’s judicial nominees have aided and abetted his tyranny. The Republicans in both Houses who approved his corporate tax cut have, as Michael Moore pointed out, committed an act of terrorism against this country.”

Keith demanded that “we cleanse our country of these criminals and traitors and clear the path for the social transformation that President Obama promised would bring the blessings of socialism to every loyal man, woman and child.”

In related news, State Senator Kevin Parker (D-Brooklyn) urged a staffer to kill herself after she complained that his vehicle was illegally parked in a bike lane blocking traffic. “Legislative staffers need to respect those they serve,” Parker argued. “I am a member of the government. I make laws for the people to obey. She should’ve appreciated that my needs for parking space supersede the needs of bicycle riders.”

Dane Chastised for Using Words “Illegal Migration”

Anders Vistisen, a Danish People’s Party member of the European Parliament, was chastised by British member Claude Moraes for using the phrase “illegal migration” during a discussion of illegal migration. Moraes rejected Vistisen’s argument that the phrase conformed to terminology used in the 2007 Lisbon Treaty on immigration and insisted that the correct phrase is “irregular migration because it is the phrase that parliament has been using for the last decade.”

Afterwards, Moraes allowed that “I should have expected this kind of insensitivity from a Dane. This isn’t their ‘first offense’ in such matters. Remember, it was Denmark that held the inexcusably offensive ‘draw Mohammed’ contest a few years ago. And just this month Denmark announced that criminal aliens who have completed their prison sentences, but can’t be deported because they would be at risk of being executed in their countries of origin, will be sent to a deserted island rather than be put back on the streets of Copenhagen. This policy directly contradicts the United Nation’s declaration that humans have a right to live wherever they want and nations have the obligation to take immigrants in and tend to their needs.”

Vistisen contends that “a debate about immigration that does not permit a distinction between legal and illegal migration is out of touch with reality. No nation should be obligated to admit migrants against its will. We have a right to object to having criminals invite themselves into our countries and prey upon our citizens. A refusal to frankly discuss the issue prevents a coherent solution to what has obviously become a significant threat to public safety.”

In related news, Swedish Moderate Party leader Ulf Kristersson urged Swedish youths “to learn Arabic if they hope to be able to survive once Muslims become the majority in our country. If Swedes hope to prosper I think conversion to Islam would be the most advisable course of action if we want to escape discriminatory taxes, inferior legal and social status, and regular humiliation at the hands of Muslim neighbors and government officials.”

German Minister Recommends “Reeducation” for Right-Wingers

Dr. Franziska Giffey, the Social-Democratic German Federal Minister for Family Affairs, wrote the forward for a brochure from the Amadeu Antonio Foundation recommending that children from right-wing families be sent to reeducation camps.

“The importance of ensuring that the next generation of Germans has the correct thoughts cannot be overemphasized,” Giffey wrote. “When it can be shown that a child’s parent harbor nonconforming or dissident opinions the need for remedial action is readily apparent. It is in the German state’s interest to see that action is taken. Enrolling these children in a setting that is isolated from the baleful influence of their parents is essential if we hope to succeed in molding them into a proper frame of mind to fit in with the socialist collective that we desire for Germany’s future.”

Comey Defends Actions Against Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fired FBI Director James Comey followed up his amnesiac performance in his testimony before House Judiciary and Oversight committees with a bit of self-congratulatory boasting about his cleverness.

“While I couldn’t remember the answers to most of the questions the dim-witted Republicans were asking me, I do recall some of the high points of my covert efforts to save the nation from the misrule of Donald Trump,” Comey said. “Publicly exonerating Secretary Clinton in July 2016 was probably the hardest punch I threw. By clearing her of all charges I neutralized a lot of the criticisms Trump and the Republicans tried to make against her. In a sane world that should have been enough to elect her, but as we saw, somehow the most unqualified person to ever seek the presidency defeated the most qualified.”

“However, patriot that I am, I didn’t let the unfortunate election outcome thwart my campaign to save the country,” Comey continued. “I saw a way to undermine a Trump Administration by embroiling it in concocted scandals. We used the FISA process to get court permission to spy on the Trump campaign. Republicans are now complaining that this was an inappropriate use of a law intended to protect America from hostile foreign powers. What they neglect to tell everyone is that 85% of the FISA cases are unwarranted and abusive. Since we were basically following standard procedure I don’t think the GOP will get anywhere with their complaints.”

“Then, starting with Gen. Flynn we set up a series of Trump associates for charges of obstruction,” Comey bragged. “A long time ago the Courts decided it was legal for law-enforcement personnel to lie to persons they are trying to nail for some sort of criminal offense. We told Flynn that a couple of FBI agents were going to chat with him and that he didn’t need a lawyer. He fell for it and opened himself up to a charge of lying to investigators when his remarks didn’t exactly match those we overheard using the FISA-approved phone intercepts.”

Comey concluded his remarks with a plea for voters to oust Trump in the 2020 election. “If we don’t get rid of him all the work I and others like Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Andrew McCabe, Rod Rosenstein, Robert Mueller, and others could be undone. The ability of the FBI and its sister agencies to protect the country from intruders like Trump could be seriously damaged and the country left in the unsteady hands of a poorly informed electorate.”

Of course, Comey isn’t the only one to have gone above and beyond the law for the good of the country. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had the foresight to wipe clean the cell phones of Peter Strzok and Lisa Page before turning them over to DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz. And today, Mueller refused to handover documents requested by Judge Emmet Sullivan who is responsible for meting out a sentence on Gen. Flynn who plead guilty to lying to the FBI. As Mueller explained, “our ability to carry out our mission must be immunized from interference from those harboring incompatible objectives. Law enforcement’s efforts to neutralize threats to the nation must remain free from interference from any source. That includes Congress, the Courts, and the Administration we are battling against.”

In related news, Letitia James, who will become attorney general of the State of New York in January, has pledged to use her office as a weapon against everyone associated with President Trump. “We know the names, all we have to do is come up with crimes we can plausibly pin on each of them,” she asserted. “We cannot sit idly by and expect heroes like Comey and Mueller to do all the dirty work. As New York’s chief prosecutor I have wide powers that can be used to hound these people out of office and into jail.”

China Demands Reparations for Pollution

China is the leading emitter of CO2 among the nations of the world. Its CO2 emissions are more than double those of the United States. Yet, the Paris Accord negotiated by former President Obama exempts China from contributing to pollution emission reductions. On top of that, the Accord obligates signers from developed nations to pay less developed nations $100 billion per year in climate related aid starting in 2020.

Xie Zhenhua, China’s lead envoy at the United Nations conference on global warming in Poland, castigated the developed countries for “neglecting to compensate us for the environmental damage they have done to the world,” calling them “deadbeats and welshers, especially the United States, whose President Trump has withdrawn from the agreement negotiated by President Obama.”

Trump didn’t entirely disagree with China’s position, saying “Obama and the European signers made unrealistic promises while simultaneously letting some of the worst CO2 emitters off the hook. Even more important, though, wrecking the economy in an attempt to reduce CO2 seems a bad bargain. The impact on global temperatures of doing this would be tiny. Beside that, CO2 has some positive effects on plant growth improving crop yields and stimulating forest growth. I don’t think the guys rushing into the Paris Accord adequately considered all the consequences of their actions, or as Xie has pointed out, inactions.”

Evidence of Clintons’ Tax Evasion Presented To House

This week, Lawrence Doyle and John Moynihan of DM Income Advisors told the House subcommittee on government operations that they forwarded thousands of documents to the IRS showing that Bill and Hillary Clinton may have neglected to pay taxes on $400 million to $2.5 billion in money they cycled through the Clinton Foundation’s so-called charity.

Clinton Foundation CEO Kevin Thurm dismissed the allegations as “just another ploy by the vast right-wing conspiracy that has been harassing Bill and Hillary for decades. No one in government has ever seen fit to pursue any indictments for anything that they have done in their long and illustrious careers of public service. We don’t expect that to change.”

To bolster his contention, Thurm pointed out that “the special investigator brought on board the Department of Justice by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions twice lost the evidence that so-called whistleblowers tried to force him to look at. And let’s not forget that former FBI Director James Comey completely exonerated Hillary for her misuse of classified information—a violation for which less important individuals have been sent to prison. When are these fringe anti-government types going to get it through their heads that their efforts to hold the Clintons responsible are quixotic exercises in futility?”

Dems Seek to Grease Skids for Tax Increase

Now that they will be back in the majority in the House of Representatives starting in January, Democrats are looking to ways to make raising taxes on Americans easier. Incoming House Rules Committee chairman Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass) announced he will not be abiding by the formerly bipartisan agreement to require a three-fifths majority to raise income taxes. “It should not be so hard for the government to seize the wealth that collectively belongs to the state,” McGovern said.

“The notion that the person who earns an income should have protection against the government taking a bigger slice of it before he can waste it on frivolous spending is capitalist propaganda,” McGovern charged. “As former President Obama so eloquently pointed out, wealth is not the result of individual effort. It is the outcome of the collective effort of the whole world. At some point, the decisions on how wealth will be distributed is something that the United Nations will handle. In the meantime, in this country, no agency is better positioned than Congress to decide how that wealth should be spent.”

Caravan Update

The caravan of people trying to illegally enter the United States is taking steps to vindicate President Trump’s policy of keeping them out. On the one hand, 280 of them have been arrested by Mexican police for burglarizing residences in Tijuana. Meanwhile, another 100 of them have tried their hand at extortion by demanding $50,000 apiece as the price of them ceasing to assault the border and go home.

The Trump Administration has flatly rejected this blackmail demand, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged consideration of what they termed “a reasonable request.”

“Look, we aren’t going to fund any border enforcement,” Schumer said. “Trump isn’t going to get a wall. He isn’t going to get more border guards. It isn’t in the Democratic Party’s interest to keep these immigrants out. Each one of them is a future vote for Democratic candidates who will build and support the welfare state that serves as the chief draw for a majority of those wanting to get in. If I were Trump I’d jump at the chance of paying them to stay out. From the GOP’s perspective that would be the sensible political and economic strategy.”

The Democrats’ open border policy was given a psychological boost by a Gallup poll finding indicating that 758 million of the worlds inhabitants want to move to a different country for a better life and 158 million of these want to move to the United States. “This is a very ‘bullish’ sign for the future of the Democratic Party,” Pelosi boasted. “The current GOP ascendancy is just a temporary ‘day in the sun’ for them. We’re confident that within a decade no one who isn’t a Democrat will be able to win any elective office in any state of the union.”

27 Percent Say Santa Should Get Sex Change

A survey of 400 people conducted for the GraphicSprings company found 27 percent of respondents suggesting that Santa undergo a sex-change. As one respondent put it, “males have hogged this role for centuries why shouldn’t women get a chance to play this part?”

An even more radical idea was offered by another respondent who suggested that “if we really want to keep up with trends, Santa should be transgender. Think of the inclusiveness this would communicate. By slicing off his scrotum, fashioning a vagina out of his penis, and plumping up his chest with implants we’d create a powerful spokesperson for the idea that everyone can truly be whoever they want to be.”

In other Christmas news, the French national government announced it will fine the town of Béziers 2,000 Euros per day if it does not remove a miniature Nativity scene on display in the courtyard of the Hôtel de Ville. President Macron explained that “the Nativity diorama is a threat to public safety. Any display of non-Muslim religious images has the potential to ignite a killing spree from the immigrant contingent in our country. It is better that we intimidate the people of Béziers with financial penalties than risk a massacre.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Ocasio-Cortez Vows to Get Revenge on Trump Jr.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-MY) vowed to “mete out sweet revenge” in response to Donald Trump Jr. sharing a meme predicting that if her socialist views are implemented Americans would end up eating their dogs.

“He may think he’s clever mocking me,” Ocasio-Cortez said, “but in another month I’ll have the subpoena power I need to make his life a living Hell. On the specific topic of eating dogs, though, Junior is overlooking the positive impact that would have on mitigating global warming. So really, the joke is on him.”

In related news, Google advised journalist John Stossel that it has blocked his “Socialism Leads to Violence” video from being viewed by anyone under 18 years of age. In his video victims of Venezuela’s socialist regime are shown rioting over food shortages and eating garbage. Google CEO Sundar Pichai said “we filter out anything that could make people feel unsafe. The images in Stossel’s video are unsuitable for viewing by children. They also give an unbalanced presentation emphasizing the negatives of socialism without showing the positives. Some countries do quite well under socialism, most notably the Soviet Union, which rose to superpower status using a socialist model.”

Epstein’s Settlement Boosts Clinton’s Spirits

Sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein’s settlement with a bevy of women who accused him of molestation when they they were under-aged teens is said to have buoyed former President Bill Clinton’s spirits. Under the settlement, in return for millions of dollars the accusers have agreed to accept a gag order barring disclosure of any details related to the molestation.

“Jeff is a great guy and a generous host,” Clinton recalled. “We had some great times together at his island retreat. I’m glad to see he won’t be going to jail on a technicality. Thankfully, he had access to the kind of resources he needed to preserve his freedom. I don’t expect they’ll come after me, but if they do the millions I’ve got stashed away from my work for the Clinton Foundation give me the same option of buying off any accusers.” Bill and Hillary Clinton have been paid more than $150 million for delivering speeches since 1997. These payments substantially increased when Hillary Clinton took office as secretary of state in 2009.

University Suspends Student for Gun Ownership

The University of North Texas is suspending Brandon Masin, a 25-year-old law student, alleging that he poses a danger. The accusation that led to the suspension was anonymous. Masin presented evidence indicating that witnesses would testify that he could not have been involved in the incident claimed by the unidentified accuser.

University of North Texas Chief of Police Ed Reynolds pointed out that “Masin is the founder of the law school’s chapter of The Federalist Society, a notorious right-wing political organization. Thankfully, it is the only right-wing extremist element on campus. On top of this, Mr. Masin admits to owning a gun. Masin’s assertion that state law supports this right is technically correct. Nevertheless it raises suspicion and lends credibility to the accusations made against him. Rather than be sorry later, we utilized our authority to suspend him.”

Masin can appeal his suspension, but may miss the semester’s final exams while waiting for his appeal to be taken up by the University. If he misses taking these exams he could “flunk out” and be dismissed from the law school for academic reasons.

Meanwhile, over at the University of Texas, Austin, liberals at the Counseling and Mental Health Center want masculinity to be designated as a mental illness. Chris Brownson, Associate Vice President for Student Affairs and Director of the Counseling and Mental Health Center says “the notion that a man ought to be a protector and provider for his family is out-dated. In the modern world we have the government to protect and provide for everyone of every gender. Men who can’t accept this new paradigm are maladjusted and need to be identified as ill and subjected to treatment to cure them of their delusions.”

School Bans Candy Canes

Another education bureaucracy abuse of power was demonstrated at the Manchester Elementary School in Omaha, Nebraska where principal Jennifer Sinclair announced a ban on candy canes. According to her, “the letter ‘j’ shape of the candy cane is an insidious attempt to inject religion into the school environment. Everyone knows that the ‘j’ stands for Jesus. We simply cannot permit such an egregious insult to all the non-Christian students at our school.”

Candy canes aren’t the only items on the Principal’s forbidden list. Other banned items and activities include: Santas, elves, Christmas music, Christmas books, making an ornament to hang on a Christmas tree as a gift, any items combining the colors red and green, Christmas videos/movies and/or characters from Christmas movies.

“The only way to be inclusive and culturally sensitive toward non-Christians is to exclude any words, items, activities, or attitudes that are explicitly or implicitly Christian,” Sinclair asserted. “I know that many students and parents consider me a Grinch for spoiling their holiday, but someone had to step forward if we are to shake off the delusions that have been the opiate of the masses and a barrier to the realization of Marx’s vision of a classless utopia under a secular socialist government.”

In other Christmas news, Facebook has censored a picture of Santa kneeling next to baby Jesus’ manger because it “shows violent or graphic content.” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained “it is well known that Mary was impregnated without her consent. That she was not given the option of abortion did violence to her rights as a woman. The intrusion of Santa Claus in the picture wrongfully conveys a message implying that baby Jesus was a gift to the world. People need to be protected against accidentally receiving this message.”

DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.”

“The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do.”

“This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching,” Perez continued. “Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts.”

“While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and the movies has made dramatic progress the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with,” the DNC Chair suggested. “In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it’s time we do the same thing here in this country.”

DC Metro Track Inspectors Who Filed False Reports Reinstated

Two years ago 16 track inspectors and five supervisors for the Washington, DC Metro Rail system were fired for repeatedly filing false reports on track conditions. The Metro and Amalgamated Transit Union appealed these firings. An arbitrator hired to hear the appeal ordered all the fired individuals to be reinstated.

The basis for the reinstatement decision was the arbitrator’s finding that “filing false reports was the normal practice in the track inspection program. Each inspection report was essentially an exact copy of the previous report filed for that section of track. No new measurements of deteriorated conditions were ever noted. Since fake reports were standard procedure throughout the system, the individuals singled out because derailments happened to occur on the sections they inspected were treated in a fashion that was discriminatory.”

“The fact of the matter is that all sections of track were not actually inspected as they should have been,” the arbitrator’s report revealed. “The 21 individuals fired were merely unlucky that derailments occurred on their sections. We recommend that the broader problem of a procedural norm that resulted in falsified inspection reports needs to be addressed as a matter of public safety.”

At the present time, Metro management and the Transit Union are not in agreement on a process for obtaining honest track inspection reports. Management contends that honest reporting is an implied obligation of the job. The union contends that the extra work entailed if honest reports are mandated is a “change in working conditions” and is demanding a pay increase “if honest reports are to be made a new task for employees.”

Schwarzenegger Offers to Travel Back in Time

Calling President Trump “crazy” for abandoning the Paris Climate Accord that none of its signers are currently complying with, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offered “to travel back in time and kill the man who invented fire.”

“Fire was the first fossil fuel,” Schwarzenegger asserted. “If it had never been invented the whole destructive cycle of coal and oil would’ve been terminated before it even got started and our environment would be safe from global warming. Raw meat wouldn’t have been as popular as grilled meat has turned out to be. Consequently, most people would likely be vegetarians today. There wouldn’t be as many cows farting methane into the atmosphere. With body heat being our only source of warmth people would be forced to live together in harmony. There would probably be statues of me as the man who saved the world from becoming the rotten place it is because of our reliance on combustion for energy. I might even be worshiped as a god.”

In another instance of a celebrity demonstrating a poor grasp of reality, Tom Arnold, the man who became famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and once appeared in a movie with Schwarzenegger, alleges that “80% of gun owners shoot themselves or a family member. The decent part of me says we should confiscate all the guns to save these people’s lives. On the other hand, it occurred to me that at some point, the last gun owner will off himself and his family and solve the problem of too many guns in the wrong hands.”

63 Percent of Immigrants on Welfare

The claim that people are illegally entering the United States in order to do the work that Americans refuse to do was dealt a blow when the Census Bureau issued a report showing that 63 percent of non-citizens in the country are on welfare. In comparison, only 35 percent of persons born in the United States are on welfare.

Nevertheless, incoming Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that “any effort to impede or slow the inflow of migrants is immoral. I was raised to believe that we are our brother’s keeper and that is is our moral obligation to take care of the less fortunate. Obviously, those born in other countries are less fortunate and I will do everything in my power to ensure that every American pays as much in taxes as is necessary to take care of every immigrant who busts through our borders.”

Pelosi expressed confidence that her Party’s superior moral stance on this issue will eventually pay off in terms of political success. “I foresee a future when no one who opposes this moral stand will ever win elective office,” Pelosi predicted. “Humanity, or at least that portion that lives in the United States, will have recreated the Garden of Eden.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

CNN Cites ‘Oppression’ of Caravan as ‘Impeachable Offense’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

According to CNN’s Jim Acosta, the revelation that persons in the United States illegally are entitled to more than $40,000 a year in federal benefits “casts a sinister light on the Trump Administration’s extraordinary efforts to block the Central American caravan’s efforts to claim these benefits for its members.”

“Why would there be such a program if these immigrants weren’t entitled to this compensation?” Acosta asked. “Trump’s attempt to characterize those who are merely asserting their legal rights as an ‘invasion’ is a slander designed to conceal his government’s refusal to recognize and enforce these immigrants’ rights to this money.”

“The caravan’s members assault on the ICE personnel at the border needs to be reassessed given these new facts,” Acosta demanded. “Wouldn’t you be angry if you knew that Trump was trying to prevent you from obtaining money that was owed you? Might you not grab a rock to throw? Might you not try to tear down the barrier that blocked your path to cashing in on this benefit? I mean, who is really at fault for the violence that has ensued—the individuals trying to collect what they’re owed or the deadbeat trying to welsh on the debt owed? I think that even if the Mueller investigation clears Trump, his violent response to try to avoid paying this debt to immigrants is grounds for impeachment.”

California Attorney General Xavier Becerra was even harsher in his criticism of the President’s opposition to admitting the caravan. “California is part of the land the United States stole from Mexico in the nineteenth century,” Becerra argued. “All efforts to prevent the restoration of this land to Mexico perpetuates the aggression initiated in the 1800s. The only honorable solution is to work out the terms for undoing that original wrong. Not only should the land be returned, but all of the profits extracted during the 170 years of unjustified occupation need to be paid out to Mexico as reparations.”

Meanwhile, the United Nations has affirmed the right of immigrants to go wherever they want in the world and has ordered the Trump Administration to “cease and desist from any and all actions aimed at impeding, obstructing, or interfering with this basic human right.” UN spokesman Babar Baloch warned that “the full might of all the member nations will be brought to bear on the United States if the Trump Administration fails to comply with our directive.”

In related news, the hysteria exhibited by the media over the use of tear gas to repel the caravan mob that attempted to crash through the border near Tijuana stands in stark contrast to the media’s silence while the Obama Administration used tear gas dozens of times between 2012 and 2016. Acosta explained that “we had complete faith in President Obama. We knew that his motives were pure and he must have had a good reason for whatever he did whenever he did it. We have no such faith in Trump. We know his intent is evil and that whatever he does is wrong whenever he does it.”

Democratic Socialism Makes Europeans Poorer

A study by Mark Perry, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and professor of economics and finance at the University of Michigan, should give pause to advocates of democratic socialism in the United States. According to the study, the more socialistic economic policies of western European countries has both retarded output and boosted the cost of living.

The index of average individual consumption for the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development is set at 100. Inhabitants in nations falling below this mark can afford less than the average European. Inhabitants in nations exceeding this mark can afford more. The United States scores 147 on this index. This means that on average, Americans can buy 47 percent more than the average European.

Newly elected U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was undaunted by these data and asserted “it is way past time that Americans learn to live more economically. My ‘green new deal’ will put us on a path toward achieving this goal. By explicitly forcing everyone to pay more for everything they buy, my legislation will put us on this right path.”

“When cars become too expensive for most people to own and operate, they will ride public transit, like most people do in Europe,” the congresswoman said. “When individual homes become too expensive, more will be compelled to live in smaller apartments and maybe have roommates. Instead of buying lots of unnecessary junk, an expanded government sector will provide a more appropriate array of goods and services for everyone. The atomized individualism that has separated Americans from the collectivized solidarity that has prevailed in Europe and elsewhere around the world will be on the road to extinction.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (DS-Vermont) concurred with his democratic socialist congressional colleague. “When I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union, I had a chance to observe how socialism made people happier,” he said. “Their living space was cramped. Very few owned private cars. Consumer goods were scarce and often required waiting hours in lines to obtain. Many Americans would likely see these conditions as difficult. But I never heard anyone complain like they do in America. I think we need to rethink whether an abundance of material goods really makes us better off. Maybe having a government making the key decisions about who should have what is a formula for gtreater happiness than the so-called rugged individualism that has tainted American thinking since the country’s founding.”

In related news, Ocasio-Cortez hailed her election as “a more significant development in American history than the moon landing. That was an interesting demonstration of technology. But my election augers in a new revolutionary movement that will sweep aside the capitalistic foundations of this country and allow us to join the social movement envisioned by Karl Marx. The petty selfishness that Americans have been permitted to indulge in will be replaced by collective solidarity, as all will be required to yield to government guidance on how to live their lives in ways that promote the socialist dream. There may or may not be future space missions, the decision on whether that will happen will be a collective one. But socialism is here to stay. It is the end point of human history.”

Obama Claims Credit for U.S. Energy Boom Since He Left Office

Concerned that President Trump “might unjustly be credited with the country’s current energy boom” former President Obama hastened to point out to voters that “none of what we are seeing today would’ve been possible if not for the actions taken during my administration.”

“For eight years my administration did everything it could to suppress energy production in the United States,” Obama pointed out. “We blocked coal production. We discouraged fracking. We denied drilling permits wherever we could. We prevented pipeline and refinery construction. When I left office, gasoline was nearly $4 per gallon. The energy sector was languishing under our smothering regulations. Without this low point, the upside potential for the Trump Administration’s stimulative initiatives would have been negligible. I don’t want people to forget that if it weren’t for the ‘bust’ that my policies engineered there never could’ve been a Trump ‘boom.’”

Obama’s claim earned him a Trump tweet thanking him for clarifying the record. “You heard it from the horse’s mouth, if Obama hadn’t tied the energy industry’s hands for eight years there wouldn’t have been anything for me to deregulate. He is like a kidnapper taking credit when police finally locate and release the victim whose regained freedom wouldn’t have been possible if not for being held captive. Now, why is this admitted malefactor a Nobel Prize winner?”

Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don’t

A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. “It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect,” Dupree lamented. “Even if it’s ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing.”

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his party’s recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as “proof that this strategy works.”

“Since we can’t compete on the basis of policies that will truly benefit minorities we have to have a strategy that compensates for this deficiency,” Perez explained. “By dumbing down our language so we sound more like the ignorant and uneducated voters who form our core constituency we feel we can win their trust. Our candidates may be millionaires, but if they don’t sound educated that will be overlooked.”

Perez also expressed gratitude “for our friends in the media for not calling us out on this condescending practice. The slightest hint of condescension by a Republican will bring a firestorm of criticism from the folks at CNN, MSNBC, and others. This allows us to paint them as racist or worse. Is it a double standard? Yes, but since the end result is desirable our use of this strategy is, in my mind, vindicated.”

School Bans Christmas Carols that Mention Jesus

The Robious Middle School in Midlothian, Virginia announced that any Christmas song that mentions Jesus will be prohibited from being sung or played during the holiday season. Principal Dr. Derek Wasnock explained that “since non-Christians might be offended by hearing Jesus’ name, the only way for us to be inclusive of all religions during the holiday season is to exclude any music that includes His name.”

The move was applauded by the school’s nine-member Students for a Muslim America Association. The school’s much larger contingent of Catholic and protestant students were puzzled and disappointed. One of them speaking “off-the-record,” lest he be sanctioned by school authorities, observed that “I suppose it isn’t enough that everyone has to endure Muslim sensitivity training, but it seems absurd that a holiday celebrating Jesus’ birth has to censor any mention of His name.”

Wasnock vowed “we will find out who criticized our inclusive exclusion and suspend or expel him or her—whichever seems most appropriate given his or her previous violations of school policies.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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