By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

CNN’s chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta says he is writing a book about his sufferings under the evil Trump regime.

“The gist of the story follows my heroic efforts to bring the truth to the American people despite the personal cost and risk to myself,” Costa said. “I have been crucified for daring to speak truth to power. My press pass was temporarily suspended causing me great anxiety. But on the third day I arose again to continue my crusade against the oppression by our nation’s so-called president.”

The CNN blowhard called his forthcoming book “a story for the ages. It will transform how people think about life, government, and most importantly, me. It will stand head-and-shoulders above the writings of lesser messiahs like Hillary Clinton and James Comey.”

Meanwhile, CNN host Don Lemon cited “the fact that people still feel free to wear Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ hats continues to divide our nation. These hats make many people uncomfortable and may incite them into a hostile mood or violent response like the one we saw from the Black Israelites whose indecent language provoked Nathan Phillips’ attempt to calm the situation by confronting the Covington teens on the Capitol Mall.”

“What this country needs is some sort of reeducation system to prevent individuals or groups from engaging in behaviors that might trigger others,” Lemon advised. “It is my understanding the Soviet Union and China have had great success in interdicting the expression of anti-progressive views by preemptively sending those suspected of holding such views to re-education camps. I think it’s an idea we should look into for deterring the type of events perpetrated by the Covington teens.”

Warren Moves Left of Ocasio-Cortez

Nervous that her presidential candidacy might not be sufficiently radical, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to out bid rising Democratic star New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed 70% income tax with her own 50% tax on total wealth.

“While her proposed 70% income tax is a worthy effort for a rookie member of congress, it overlooks the much larger stash of accumulated wealth just lying around for the taking,” Warren pointed out. “Immoral billionaires can always shift their income-earning activity outside the taxing jurisdiction. But their assets—homes, business facilities, heavy equipment and the like are less mobile and easier to confiscate.”

“Those more familiar with the history of progressive transformations carried out in Russia, China, Cuba see how effective those radical governments were by seizing control over the ‘geese that laid the golden eggs’ of capitalistic wealth creation. Under my proposal for example, the government would be immediately authorized to take half of Trump’s properties away from him. Given that Trump’s business is a global corporation it’s not inconceivable that the half we take could leave him homeless within the United States and force him to leave the country, if he’s not in jail after we get him out of the White House.”

The urgency of the Democrats’ quest to oust Trump was reemphasized by the continually falling rate of unemployment. This week the Department of Labor announced statistics showing that weekly jobless claims have fallen to their lowest mark since 1969—an event that Warren claims “makes it even more imperative that we hasten his departure by whatever means we can. Enacting my 50% tax can only accelerate this objective.”

NY Enacts Radical Abortion Legislation

In a bid to avert a potential future Supreme Court ruling that might temporarily interrupt the carnage, the New York State Senate bowed to the extortion of Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and passed the nation’s most radical pro-abortion legislation. Under this new law, abortions would be permitted up until the moment of birth and failed procedures resulting in live births could be corrected via after birth termination of the unwanted children.

State Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Yonkers) hailed the legislation for “averting the potential tragedy of forcing even one woman to give birth to a child she does not want. The trauma of being forced to be a mother is something we must guard against. The anti-abortion argument against aborting viable children on the premise that others willing to adopt the child negates the need to terminate his or her life ignores the psychological toll this takes on the unwilling birth mother.”

In addition to cheers in the Senate after the bill passed 38-24, Cuomo ordered that the One World Trade Center’s 408-foot spire “be lit up with pink light in celebration of this historic victory for progressive values. Pink is in honor of the brave individuals, 100% of whom are women, who have chosen to end the lives of their own children, and the 50% of the victims who are also female. The light ceremony acknowledges that the world will be a better place because of their sacrifice.”

Meanwhile, to mark the 46th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision, Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker (D) signed an executive order he claimed “will give Illinois the most progressive abortion-rights law in America. My only regret is that the 50% of aborted infants who are female will never grow up to enjoy this greatest of all civil rights.”

Ocasio-Cortez Determined to Eliminate Billionaires

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) continues her assault on the immorality of allowing billionaires to exist. “Most of the people in the world today and throughout human history have been poor,” she pointed out. “Subsistence living is the normal condition for all of God’s creatures. The Pope recognizes this. Ecological science recognizes this. Billionaires are unnatural and environmentally dangerous.”

“The argument that the opportunity to make billions is a spur to the innovations that have made life for most Americans relatively luxurious has never tempted me to consider compromising with the greed that this engenders,” the Congresswoman said. “I have always believed that the best things in life are free. That’s why I’m pushing so hard for free health care, free education, free rent—basically, free everything.”

“Think about how relieving everyone of the need to worry about having the money to buy things will improve the world,” she continued. “No one would be forced to work if they didn’t want to. Say goodbye to the morning alarm clock rousting you out of bed. Say goodbye to the commuter rat race. Say goodbye to the tyrannical boss who confiscates your leisure time. This is what the majority of voters want. This is why socialism will sweep aside all nonbelievers.”

“Even if the naysayers’ are right and the economy collapses, the planet will benefit,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “If America’s 300 million population is winnowed down to 300 thousand global warming will no longer be a threat. Habitat for wildlife will expand. Humans could resume their natural niche in the struggle for survival. Technology will no longer warp the way our species lives. Would this not be the Garden of Eden?”

NFL Commissioner Suggests Superbowl Compromise

Following last week’s egregious non-call of obvious pass interference by a Los Angeles Rams player against a New Orleans Saints receiver, attorney Frank D’Amico, Jr. filed a lawsuit calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to use his powers under Rule 17 to reverse the outcome of the game that the Rams eventually won in overtime or schedule a replay of the last two minutes after a pass interference penalty is imposed on the Rams.

Goodell is reported to be disinclined to take the action demanded in the suit because “bad officiating has been part of football since the sport was invented. In the old days good sportsmanship from the offending team would often lead to a bad call, or non-call as was the case in the Rams/Saints game, being corrected. Nowadays too much money is at stake for us to expect good sportsmanship to save the day.”

As a compromise, Goodell offered “to allow both the Rams and the Saints to share the NFC title and to take turns by halves or quarters in the Superbowl game vs. the Patriots. This will expand the number of fans with a direct interest in the outcome and boost purchases of NFL team gear making this sharing arrangement a ‘win-win’ outcome on the most critical value we all share—making more money.”

Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick complained that “this so-called compromise doesn’t look good from where I’m sitting. The boost in gear sales will go entirely to the Rams and Saints. And while we wouldn’t be playing against two teams simultaneously our dual opponents would be fresher and less fatigued by the time that we reach the crucial fourth quarter. Rectifying the raw deal meted out to the Saints as the Commissioner proposes would simply shift the raw deal onto us. I could only agree to this compromise if we are given full control over inflating all the game balls to be used in this extraordinary game.”

Dems in House to Swap out Terror Subcommittee

Now that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Eliot Engel (D-NY) has announced plans to get rid of the subcommittee on terrorism and replace it with a subcommittee that will focus on President Trump’s business interests.

“After discussions with Party leadership and the media, I have reached the conclusion that Trump represents a far greater danger to this country than Islamic terrorism,” Engel concluded. “At worst, terrorists may murder and/or maim thousands of Americans, but they can never take control of our government. Trump, on the other hand, has, with the connivance of the Russians, already taken control of the Executive Branch where he is deploying considerable power to thwart the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. So, Trump is clearly the bigger threat.”

“Further, since the Special Counsel investigation hasn’t yet come up with anything that can justify impeaching Trump, I feel that opening a second front to probe his business activities may be our best hope,” the Congressman suggested. “First, the very fact that he is an admitted self-made billionaire raises the question: who did he take the billions from? Second, polls show that a majority of voters hate billionaires and wouldn’t be opposed to confiscating their ill-gotten profits. My new subcommittee will be exploring the potential for achieving these important objectives. Besides, hasn’t Trump boasted he’s defeated ISIS? Doesn’t that tell us that a subcommittee devoted to dealing with terrorism is now obsolete?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Trump Administration’s intention to eliminate the “racially balanced” regulations promulgated by former President Obama’s “Dear Colleague Letter” was condemned by former Obama Administration Sec. of Education Arne Duncan who called it harmful to minorities.

“The whole point of President Obama’s approach was to equalize the stigma of school disciplinary actions so that each racial grouping was proportionately represented in the punishments meted out,” Duncan said. “The previous policy articulated by former Reagan Administration official Clarence Thomas in 1981 merely directed that whatever disciplinary procedures a school had must be applied without racial bias. This led to minorities being disproportionately represented among the rolls of those serving detentions, getting suspensions, and being turned over to law enforcement.”

“The role of the public school system is to help prepare youngsters for future careers,” Duncan asserted. “Since many of minority youth are likely to embark on careers in crime the disproportionate discipline impedes these students’ acquisition of the skills needed for these career choices. Robbing other students, intimidating them, vandalizing property, and defying authority are activities that will nurture the kind of abilities that the aspiring criminal will find useful if he or she is to succeed in his or her chosen line of crime.”

Trump Administration Sec. of Education Betsy DeVos thanked Duncan “for clarifying the need to undo the Obama policy. Crime is a career choice that victimizes law-abiding members of society. Students demonstrating an aptitude for this kind of behavior need to be impeded from this career path. Not only will such impediments help protect their non-criminal fellow students and non-criminal future victims, it will also switch some of the teen-aged miscreants onto a more socially productive track—sparing them from lives ruined by lengthy stretches in prison or worse.”

Pelosi Defends Putting Ilhan Omar on Committee

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended placing Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) on the House Foreign Affairs Committee despite her anti-Semitic and anti-Israel views, calling it “a small step toward achieving a balanced perspective. You know, we have several Jews already on the Committee. Bringing aboard a Muslim who is not afraid to speak out against the Jewish drive toward world domination fills a vacuum that needed filling.”

Pelosi admitted that “for years the Democratic Party has been hypnotized by Jewish propaganda. Given the very small population of Jews in America and the world compared to the rapidly growing number of those holding opposing points of view, it makes sense for our Party to revise its alliances. Islam is, to quote Osama bin Laden, ‘the stronger horse.’ A wise man logically prefers the stronger horse. In the not too distant future, Muslims will likely make up a majority in this country. Democrats want to be sure this stronger horse is on our side.”

Omar expressed appreciation for “the first small step toward righteousness taken by Speaker Pelosi. The next step is to get the Jews off the Committee as soon as possible. If we want the House to stand we cannot allow these termites to continue to eat away the structure.”

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the Grand Mosque in Mecca has been infested with huge swarms of locusts. Rep. Omar immediately blamed “the Jews. They did this once before to Egypt in a show of ingratitude for the jobs the Pharoah had provided for them in his public works program. Well, Muslims aren’t as weak as Ramses was. If Jews continue to reject the blessings of conversion to Islam they will be exterminated as the Quran commands us to do.”

University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

“Grading papers based on their quality imposes ‘white’ standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating,” Inoue explained. “Just because a student’s writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn’t mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation’s highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren’t as important as we previously have thought.”

As an alternative to assessing quality Inoue recommends “using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student’s writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade.”

Dems Reject Invitation to Working Lunch Meeting

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer rejected an invitation from President Trump to participate in a lunch meeting that would discuss a possible compromise to partially fund a border barrier and reopen the federal government.

“We saw the fast food spread he bought for the college football champions,” Schumer pointed out. “If he treats star athletes like that I shudder to think what he’d have on the menu for us. He likes football. He hates us. There’s no way I’d go without seeing a menu first.”

Pelosi was even harsher in her assessment of the President’s offer. “Burgers and pizza are no substitute for our lobster and liquor junket that the President canceled at the last minute,” she complained. “We are important people. We are entitled to a lunch befitting our status as co-rulers of this country.”

Aside from their displeasure with the prospect of “being asked to settle for food that common ordinary people eat,” both Schumer and Pelosi were skeptical about reaching an agreement. “We have already told the President that the only compromise we will accept is total and unconditional surrender,” Pelosi reminded everyone. “President Roosevelt demanded it of the Nazis. Patriotism requires that we use this winning tactic against the gravest threat to the United States since World War II.”

Kasich Gets Gig with CNN

Former Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) has been signed by CNN to be an on air commentator across a variety of the network’s programs.

The ex-governor expressed his hope that he “might leverage a tour as a television star into a successful campaign for the presidency like Trump did, only with more compassion for the lonely and depressed majority of Americans. I think voters will respond favorably to my belief that ‘everyone needs to be hugged.’ It will be a welcome change from Trump’s ‘everyone needs to be slugged.’”

Kasich said he was “especially proud to be named a señor commentator. I take it as recognition and appreciation of my open border stance. ‘Señor’ sounds so much friendlier than ‘mister.’ I look forward to a future where every man is a señor and every woman a señorita. Golly, I’m already speaking Spanish. If this doesn’t prove there is no border crisis I don’t know what would.”

Ohr Rats Out DOJ & FBI Brass

Despite the FBI’s alibi alleging that the top DOJ officials who signed the application to the FISA Court for permission to spy on the Trump campaign believed that the Steele Dossier was legitimate intelligence, it now appears that this is yet another lie emerging from the once highly regarded Agency.

It turns out that former Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr testified in Congress last August that he had fully briefed top level FBI and Justice Department officials—including the FBI’s then-Deputy Director Andy McCabe, lawyer Lisa Page, FBI lead investigator Peter Strzok (who worked with then FBI Director James Comey to conceal and minimize Hillary Clinton’s violation of national security laws and regulations), Deputy Assistant Attorney General Bruce Swartz, lawyer Zainab Ahmad and fraud unit head Andrew Weissman. Ahmad and Weissman now work for special counsel Robert Mueller.

Ohr’s briefings during the summer of 2016—before the first FISA application was filed—informed these people that the Steele Dossier had not been verified, that Steele was highly biased against Trump, and that the dossier had been ordered and paid for by the Hillary Clinton for president campaign.

To this day, fired FBI director James Comey professes no memory of any briefings on any topics during his four year tenure as the head of the Agency. “It pains me to have to attest to my unbelievably poor recall of events that I presumably would’ve been aware of as Director,” he admitted. “But what can you do? We are who we are, warts and all. Nevertheless, important people in the government and media continually praise my probity and swear I can be trusted. These same important people do not have as high an opinion of Trump.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif), chairperson of the 55-member Congressional Black Caucus (CBC), the most numerous in our nation’s history, has set the Caucus’ sights on “reversing the trauma inflicted on people of color by the Trump Administration over the past two years. We will use our tremendous power and influence to undo Trump’s evil plan to force millions of voters off of welfare and into the labor economy.”

“The notion that a job is the answer to curing poverty and improving one’s life is a myth,” Bass contended. “Curing poverty has been the task of government since the 1960s’ Great Society initiative of President Johnson. The programs begun then have liberated millions from the drudgery of wage slavery. The policies of Trump leading to more jobs than job applicants allow Republicans to exert cruel mental pressure on those who have come to rely on government generosity for a more relaxing lifestyle.”

Bass claimed that “the 2018 elections that returned Democrats to a majority in the House were a mandate from voters against the social injustice of attempting to dismantle of a way of life that has spanned generations of our people. The Caucus is united in our determination to take any action needed to thwart Trump’s heartless plan.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised the CBC’s “commitment to re-liberate those that Trump’s policies have driven into the workforce” and promised “to do everything in my power to see that the aims of this noble collection of legislators are fulfilled,” and boasted of “the shock and awe that will be unleashed against the enemies of progressive change now that the gavel is back in my hands.”

Dem Leader Demagogues Federal Shutdown

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) used the deferral of paychecks for federal employees due to Congress’ failure to approve the appropriation of funds to cover this expense as an inspiration to liken Trump to a pre-Civil War slave driver.

“Back in 1860 millions of people were forced to work without being paid,” Hoyer observed. “We called that slavery. Now, with President Trump refusing to compromise by accepting our Party’s refusal to budge an inch on his request for $5 billion to fund border security as a precondition for Democrats to approve funds for ending the government shutdown, federal employees have been effectively enslaved.”

Trump called Hoyer’s analogy “absurd. In 1860 it was Democrats that instigated the Civil War in an effort to preserve slavery. It was Democrats that put chains on their slaves. It was Democrats that whipped, raped, terrorized and killed those they held in bondage. To call the temporary interruption of payments to federal employees akin to slavery denigrates the true suffering the Democrat Party inflicted on people of color and the hundreds of thousands of Union soldiers who died or were maimed in the successful campaign of Republican President Lincoln to abolish the vile institution of slavery.”

Hoyer defended his accusation saying that “the unfairness to federal employees should be self-evident. Nonessential employees who are enjoying furloughs and leisure will get the same back pay as essential employees who are required to keeping working. Since employees who are required to work have the same rights as those who were not required to do any work they are being treated unfairly. The only equitable solution would be to recognize and reward the essential employees with overtime pay on top of their normal salaries. This would compensate them for the paid time off granted to nonessential employees.”

Presidential Candidate Proposes “Freedom Dividend”

Entrepreneur, Ivy-Leaguer, New Yorker, and prospective 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang hopes to win his way into the White House on a promise of a $1,000 per month “freedom dividend” to every American family.

“Critics will say my idea is impractical,” Yang predicted. “But I’ve just initiated a pilot test of the concept with the Fassi family of Goffstown, New Hampshire. I gave them their first check on New Year’s Eve. The checks will continue for the entire year. I predict that their lives will be enriched and their anxieties relieved. If elected president in 2020 I will extend the program nationwide.”

Yang’s critics seem more likely to be in touch with reality, though. A pilot test with a sample size of one is not a valid scientific study. Giving $1,000 per month to 126 million US families carries a $126 billion per month and $1.5 trillion per year cost.

Still, Yang remains optimistic. “I don’t believe lack of money is as much of an impediment as lack of vision,” he maintained. “Given the US government’s unlimited power of taxation and the Federal Reserve’s ability to create as much money as it deems necessary, I’m confident we can fund the ‘freedom dividend.’ Between making a few donations to congressional candidates and twisting some arms once I have access to confidential IRS and FBI files, I believe I will be able to persuade the necessary parties to carry out my plan.”

Murders Committed by Illegals Called “Bearable”

At a press conference this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her unbending opposition to increased border security by asserting that “the crimes committed by some of those illegally entering the United States are not sufficient justification for implementing stricter enforcement at the border. The murders of innocent Americans by foreigners are regrettable, but bearable.”

“We are a large and populous nation,” the Speaker pointed out. “We have plenty of room for persons who want to come live in America. The number of our citizens killed or harmed by individuals coming across our border without formal permission is only a tiny fraction of the more than 300 million who live here or did live here before they were murdered. In fact, it could be argued that the number of non-criminals who enter the United States is larger than the few citizens who are lost due to the predators coming in from the south. From a head-count perspective we are better off allowing more immigration from whatever source.”

“It’s not as if Americans are the only ones suffering,” Pelosi added. “President Trump admitted that a third of the women and children trekking here are raped or sexually abused. And Amnesty International puts that figure in the 60% to 80% range. What I want to know is where is the sympathy for these victims? What I see and hear from most of those advocating for decreased illegal immigration is selfish concern for themselves.”

In related news, the assessment that Pelosi and Schumer came off the losers in their attempt to rebut President Trump’s speech on the border crisis prompted Pelosi to call for “a best-of-seven format. Sure we lost the opening match, but it wouldn’t be fair to judge the issue on a single contest. The World Series has a best-of-seven format, as does the NBA Championship. Shouldn’t the more important question of immigration have at least as robust a series of match-ups as the less important sports championships?”

Gov Blackmails Legislature

In an effort to bolster his credentials for a possible 2020 run for the Democratic presidential nomination, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says he won’t sign the state’s budget until the legislature passes a law making it legal for abortions to be performed by any person for any reason and at any time—right up until moments before birth. The current state statute requires that abortions be performed by licensed physicians before the 24th week of pregnancy.

Cuomo called any restrictions “completely unacceptable. The crushing burden of an unwanted child should never be forced on a woman. The toll on her body, the drain on her finances and her time to care for a person that isn’t really needed given the world’s excess of surplus population is an unbearable punishment for the inadvertent mistake of failing to use birth control prior to having sex with a man. Holding the state budget hostage is the only leverage I have to try to coerce these guys to do the right thing.”

Former and rumored future presidential contender Hillary Clinton heartily endorsed the Governor’s stance. “Sometimes you have to play rough if you want to win,” she advised. “I can’t count the number of occasions when Bill or I had to resort to threats, extortion and intimidation when we were governing in Arkansas or in the White House. Abortion is a fundamental human right. Making sure the law protects this right implements the Constitution’s guarantee of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.”

“You know, I think all of the rhetoric about innocent lives being lost overlooks the Jesus parallels,” Clinton said. “Isn’t Jesus’ sacrifice for humanity’s sins a model for sacrificing innocent pre-borns for our sins? If a pure and blameless Jesus could be put to death to save the world, what’s so wrong with putting fetuses to death to save the world? Clearly a reduction in the quantity of humans has often been cited as a means for saving the planet. Achieving this goal by exterminating the helpless strikes me as more merciful than relying on the bad habits or behaviors of adults to accomplish the objective.”

Germany Requests Time-Out

After an evaluation of the country’s armed forces showed that the German Army would not be ready for combat operations until 2031 at the earliest, Chancellor Angela Merkel made an impassioned plea to the global community to postpone any planned attacks on Germany until 2032 or later.

“We are in worse shape than the bourgeois democracies that were crushed by the blitzkrieg Germany sprung on them in 1939,” the Chancellor confessed. “It would be unsporting for others to emulate the underhanded tactics that enabled our army to overrun most of Europe in the early stages of World War II.”

Merkel admitted that she is especially concerned that US President Donald Trump “cannot be counted on to rescue us from an aggressor after the fuss he made over our failure to meet our NATO defensive obligations. I can see that a man who could so easily desert a feckless ally would have no qualms about putting the lives and well-being of Americans ahead of everyone else and let Germany be conquered by jihadis, Russians, or even such relative weaklings like Poland and France, who it just so happens are geographically positioned to envelope Germany in a grand pincer offensive.”

While the rest of the global community has remained silent regarding Germany’s request, President Trump promised that “no US troops would participate in any military aggression against Germany.” Nevertheless, Merkel still complained that “Trump’s promise selfishly forces us to feebly and probably fruitlessly fend for ourselves.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) stood by her pledge to “not appropriate a single dollar for a border wall” contending that “building such a wall would be immoral.”

“Look, building an impermeable barrier would block the natural migration patterns of the herds of immigrants and the predators that depend upon them for their sustenance,” the Speaker said. “The more hospitable conditions on the American side benefit both the predators and their prey. The prey can qualify for numerous government payments that will enable them to support more offspring. The monetary stipends increase the rewards for predators who rob them. The increased offspring generate more children for predators to exploit and abuse. On balance, both categories of immigrants come out ahead.”

“And let’s not overlook the advantages for our country from unrestricted immigration,” Pelosi added. “The addition of millions of unskilled people who could potentially enter the labor force helps hold down the cost of labor in the United States. On the one hand, this will boost the profits of many of the billionaires who are generous donors to the Democratic Party. On the other hand, with some of the more progressive states eliminating the citizenship requirement for voting, the expansion of this natural Democratic constituency bolsters our Party’s chances for winning elections. Remember, the ‘vote harvesting’ scheme that decimated Republicans in California was carried out by immigrants that a border wall would likely have prevented from entering the country.”

Ocasio-Cortez Pitches Confiscatory Taxes

Newly elected socialist firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that “if we want economic growth and a fairer distribution of wealth the rich will have to pay more in taxes.” She cited history to back her claim.

“In the 1960s, before President Kennedy’s tax cut, both economic growth and taxes in this country were higher than today,” the first-term congresswoman observed. “In more progressive countries like the Soviet Union and Communist China economic growth was even faster with the government essentially controlling all the investment and distribution decisions.”

“My ‘Green New Deal’ is a moderate first step toward the kind of economic dynamism and equality achieved by those two great societies,” she explained. “We’ll start with a maximum 70% income tax rate. Moving toward a totally socialized system will become easier after the American people get a chance to experience the prosperity that is an inherent part of this superior system of organizing and controlling the collective assets of humanity for the greater good.”

In related news, Ocasio-Cortez joined Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) in denouncing Speaker Pelosi’s suggestion that new spending legislation be balanced by tax increases sufficient to fund new programs, calling it “a dark political maneuver designed to hamstring progress. The government owns the mint and can print as much money as we need. Since Democrats are now the majority in congress I don’t see why we can’t just give every person in the country a million dollars in cash. We would abolish poverty and win over a permanent majority of voters forever.”

Gov’t “Shutdown” May Last Years

President Trump’s statement that he is willing to have the government “shutdown” last for years, if that’s what it takes to get funding for a border wall, has Democratic Party leaders agog.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the threat “cruel and insensitive toward the non-essential federal workers who are bearing the brunt of this insane tactic. They all have families to feed. They need the checks they’ve come to expect every two weeks.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contended “non-essential or not, these employees are part of the brain that keeps America alive and kicking. Citizens wouldn’t know what to do or how to live their lives without the vital guidance that spews forth from government on a daily basis.”

President Trump admitted that “there are some inconveniences being experienced around the country. I’d be willing to sit down with the Democrats to work on measures to alleviate this problem. But come on, non-essential employees are called non-essential for a reason. They aren’t required for carrying out the constitutionally mandated functions of the federal government. Many of the agencies where these non-essential employees are housed probably shouldn’t have been created. Now that we’ve gone a couple of weeks without them being open I think we are seeing how unnecessary they really are.”

Trump also cast doubt on the usual practice of giving the furloughed non-essential employees back pay for the time they are idle. “There’s a lot of waste in the federal budget,” Trump said. “I think the ‘shutdown’ gives us an opportunity to sort out which activities can be cut from the budget. Certainly, getting paid for work not done seems a good source of saving some money. Another option would be for these people to look for jobs in the booming economy that my policies have stimulated. Joining the private sector where essential goods and services are produced sounds like a better use of the nation’s human resources than retaining them as paper pushers in non-essential government agencies.”

O’Rourke 2020 Presidential Campaign Scores Endorsement Coup

Unwilling to undergo the sex and pigment alterations that his advisers say is essential to compete for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, recently defeated Texas senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke has scored a major coup by getting the endorsement of unsuccessful 2016 presidential candidate former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley.

“Like every Irishman I know, Beto has the wisdom to listen, the courage to lead, and a rock-solid faith in the powerful goodness of our nation,” O’Malley asserted. “I am proud to hand over the torch I lit for my campaign to the man who can carry my bold vision forward to victory in 2020.”

Irked a bit at being identified as Irish, O’Rourke pointed out that “I self identify as Mexican now. If a man can self-identify as a woman I don’t see why I can’t self-identify as a Mexican. After all, it helped me win the Latino vote in my race against Ted Cruz.” Nevertheless he graciously accepted what he characterized as “the first wave of a tide that will finally see this country elect me as the first Latino president of the United States.”

Romney Assails Trump’s Impoliteness

Incoming freshman Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) took to the pages of the Washington Post to chastise President Trump for his “unbearable impoliteness. Those of us in public service have a moral obligation to conduct ourselves with the utmost civility, no matter what. Trump’s claim that he is only punching back at those who attack him doesn’t absolve him of this responsibility.”

“When I ran for president in 2012 I was vilified by the media and Democrats,” Romney recalled. “Lies aimed at besmirching my character were commonplace. Even the moderator at one of my debates with President Obama incorrectly corrected me by citing false ‘facts.’ But I took it like a man and submitted to defeat with grace and dignity. Trump’s refusal to follow my lead threatens our democracy. If both sides insist on bare-knuckle politics comity disintegrates and chaos follows.”

Romney averred that “like Jeff Flake, I mostly agree with Trump’s policy goals. But I’m putting those goals aside so I can pursue the higher goal of joining the Democrats and the media in their vilification of Trump. That way I will demonstrate that at least one Republican can reach across the aisle for the greater good of America.”

Former Gov. John Kasich (R-Ohio) cheered Romney on saying “good policy is no substitute for good manners. My manners are 100% better than Trump’s. Yet, Republican voters foolishly rejected me and selected him to be the Party’s nominee. A majority of those who voted in the general election voted against Trump, but he craftily employed a strategy that won him a majority of the electoral vote. This is not how a gentleman behaves. It’s not how Mitt behaved in 2012. Crafty in victory is not what the Republican Party has stood for over the past three decades. Humility in defeat has been our most endearing quality. We need to return to that if we want to moderate the media vilification of our Party, candidates, and dwindling number of officeholders.”

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey hailed Romney’s critique of Trump and admitted that “if I had known what a patriot and all-around swell guy he is I would have been less enthusiastic in following President Obama’s orders use the FBI to sabotage Romney’s 2012 campaign.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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January 7
Gore Says Bitter Cold Confirms Global Warming

Former Vice-President Al Gore confidently brushed aside the possibility that this past week’s bitter cold across much of North America might indicate that the global warming he has profitably been hyping for the last 15-plus years could be mistaken.
“The theory of global warming, or climate crisis as I now like to call it, postulates that any change in the weather merely confirms the global warming hypothesis,” Gore declared. “The most important action anyone can take at this time is to continue to buy copies of my books and movies explaining how it all fits together.”
Meanwhile, observations of solar output show a pattern of decreasing heat reaching Earth from the sun. Many climate scientists are predicting that a global cooling trend for the next several decades seems more likely than a continuation of the warming trend Gore has been warning must be addressed by massive government regulations aimed at “lowering the excessively indulgent lifestyles enjoyed by Americans.” Strangely, despite railing against the general public’s bad behavior, Gore’s own lifestyle is far more indulgent than that of average American consumers who possess neither energy-guzzling palatial estates nor their own personal jet aircraft.

January 14
Trump Named Top Enemy of Press

The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) named Donald Trump the “top global press oppressor.” The award was considered an upset win. Regimes like China where journalists are jailed for criticizing the government, Turkey, which has surpassed China as the world’s biggest jailer of journalists, and Russia where reporters frequently are murdered are expected to lodge protests.

Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan complained “we have worked very hard to be the best oppressors. We have more reporters in prison than any other country. I could understand being edged out by Russia or China with their lengthy pedigrees for dealing with nettlesome journalists, but the United States? The biggest accomplishment I’m aware of was Obama’s spying on journalists. That’s NOTHING! The Committee is showing unfair favoritism.”

CPJ Executive Director Joel Simon defended the organization’s selection of Trump, arguing that “no other tyrant has done more to undermine our credibility. In fact, it could be argued that jailing or killing reporters martyrs them and enhances the media’s credibility. But Trump’s tagging us with the ‘fake news’ label has caused more damage than any other regime has ever achieved.”

February 4
Fidel Castro Jr. Commits Suicide, Trump Blamed

This week, the 68-year-old son of the late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro committed suicide. Though communism enabled his famous father to amass a billion dollar personal fortune, “Fidelito” was said by friends to have become depressed upon realizing “that Yankee bastard is right. My country is a sh*thole.”

Long-time compadre, Vacio Cabeza professed himself “mystified. He wanted for nothing. We lived like kings. Admittedly, life is kind of tough for the average Cuban, but what does that matter to men like us? Why should we care what Trump said about Cuba?”

February 25
Chicago ID Card Will Allow Illegals to Vote

In a bid to “harness the political potential of adding hundreds of thousands of new Democratic voters,” the City of Chicago has authorized government-issued photo ID cards for all residents, including “undocumented persons” in the country illegally.
State Board of Elections spokesman Matt Dietrich said “the determination of who will be allowed to vote will be in the hands of local election authorities. There is no state law requiring proof of citizenship in order to register to vote. All you have to do is check a box on the voter registration form that says ‘yes, I am a citizen.’”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called the card “an ingenious counter to the Trump Administration’s efforts to deny voting rights to immigrants, the homeless and those recently released from prison. There are 109 different local election authorities in Illinois. There’s no way his federal goons can keep track of what all of these dispersed centers of election registrations are doing. Between this ID card and our sanctuary city policy I’m hopeful that we will make it impossible for any Republican to win any elective office in the state.”

March 25
Progressives Stunned by Firearms Poll Answer

In a poll conducted for NBC and the Wall Street Journal, 58% of respondents agreed that “gun ownership does more to increase safety by allowing law-abiding citizens to protect themselves.” On the other side, 38% agreed that “gun ownership reduces safety by giving too many people access to firearms.” These results are a significant reversal of responses from 19 years ago when 52% felt that increased gun ownership reduced safety.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel called this shift in favor of gun ownership “dismaying. Considering the carnage taking place on our city streets on a daily basis, I think it’s clear that the gun controls we have put in place are insufficient. We need sterner measures to ensure that those with bad intent cannot get their hands on firearms.”

April 8
Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin

Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Nazi Germany that unleashed WW II.

“Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless. Their labors helped make the Soviet Union into a superpower. We should not discount that accomplishment.”

May 6
Schumer Opposes “Taxpayers Right to Know Act”

The “Taxpayers Right to Know Act” has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it “unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs.”

May 27
DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies “Poaching Our Voters”

Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies “an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats.”

“While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda,” Ellison contended. “Take the admonition ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party’s belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don’t want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit.”

June 24
DC Infested with Psychopaths

A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation’s highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.

“The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country,” Murphy observed. He speculated that “psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being.”

July 8
DNC Denounces Record Employment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Tom Perez, Democratic National Chairman (DNC) and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.”

August 5
Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed “future” of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, surprise winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as “a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party.”

August 19
Senator Introduces “Accountable Capitalism Act”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the “Accountable Capitalism Act”–is, in her words, “intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight.”

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees’ share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to “only” 75% today. “As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor,” Warren contended. “It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen.”

September 9
Abortion the Great Equalizer

Former president of Planned Parenthood Gloria Feldt told a Cornell University audience that “abortion gives women an equal seat at life’s table. Putting all of the burden of child-bearing and birthing on women violates the Constitution’s equal protection clause. Abortion is the remedy. Freeing ourselves of the obligations imposed on us by a patriarchal society is the only way we can enjoy the same power that men have monopolized through a discriminatory reproductive system.”

Feldt’s remarks mirrored those of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton who also advocated an economic rationale for preserving the court-granted right of reluctant would-be mothers to abort their unborn children. Clinton’s argument pointed out that “women who were freed by the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision from the encumbrance of an unwanted child were able to join the workforce and add half a trillion dollars to the GDP between the years 1973 to 2009.”

November 11
Broward County Official Defends Violating Law

In the wake of Florida’s closely contested races for Senator and Governor, Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes sought to defend violating state election laws. Under state law each county is required to report the number of ballots to be counted in a timely fashion. Broward was one of the two out of 67 counties not to do so.

Snipes contended that her lack of compliance with the law “was guided by a higher loyalty. It seems like every election new boxes of ballots keep being found in the darnedest places. In order to ensure that these voters are not disenfranchised it’s necessary to keep the process open.”

December 2
Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don’t

A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. “It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect,” Dupree lamented. “Even if it’s ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing.”
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his Party’s recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as “proof that this strategy works.”

December 9
DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.”
“The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do.”

“This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching,” Perez continued. “Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts.”

“While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and movies has made dramatic progress, the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with,” the DNC Chair suggested. “In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it’s time we do the same thing here in this country.”

 

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