By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson announced that actor Jussie Smollett’s claim that two Trump supporters assaulted him after his January 29th 2 A.M. run to Subway for a tuna sandwich was a hoax.

“Suspicions were first raised when the responding officers noticed that the sandwich survived unscathed,” Johnson said. “How does that happen with two men beating on Mr. Smollett? To put it succinctly, it made his story seem fishy.”

“After we located the suspects it turned out they were friends of Mr. Smollett who alleged that he had paid them to lightly beat him without doing any serious harm, especially to his face. They were able to back up their claim by leading us to the $3500 check Smollett wrote to them to cover the expenses incurred in the plot—the non-chafing rope, the environmentally-friendly bleach, the Make America Great Again hats, and the black face masks.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) expressed her “disappointment that the attack might have been staged,” but said that “his highly credible story reflects a deeper reality. The fact is that President Trump is a racist and there are doubtless many Trump supporters who would’ve enjoyed beating up a gay black man. I think Jussie deserves some credit for trying to dramatize this deeper reality.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) averred that “I am sad, frustrated and disappointed that this particular incident seems to have been a hoax. However, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that real attacks of this sort do take place. Jussie’s efforts to draw attention to this fact were well intended.”

For his part, Smollett is now contending that the scheme “was essentially a ‘dry run’ for a subplot segment of a future episode of Empire. Judging from the initial responses, I’d have to say that I’ve demonstrated that I’m more than just an actor. The verisimilitude of my vignette shows my screenwriting ability is considerable and supports my case for a bigger slice of the Empire pie.”

Smollett also claims that “the fact that I paid my co-actors by check shows that I had no criminal intent. Crooks don’t pay by check. I also fully intend to write checks to the unwitting actors from the Chicago Police force. I couldn’t do this in advance because I couldn’t count on them to give realistic performances without their belief that the events in my scenario were real. After all, they, unlike me, are not professional actors.”

MSNBC’s Al Sharpton was less forgiving, insisting that “anyone who would perpetrate such a heinous hoax ought to face maximum accountability. Under no circumstances should he be given a media platform with which to broadcast his ill-conceived ideas. The airwaves are already glutted with erroneous commentary and misleading news reports.”

Maduro Goons Shoot Samaritans & Starving Citizens

Armed troops loyal to President Maduro opened fire on the good samaritans trying to bring food aid to desperately hungry Venezuelans—killing two and wounding another dozen or so. According to Maduro, “the aid is an attack on the sovereignty of my country. It is not for outsiders to decide what or how much Venezuelans should eat. That is my prerogative.”

Major media outlets in the US variously characterized the Army’s attack on the unarmed victims as a “clash” (Reuters), “standoff” (CNN), “showdown” (New York Times), and “face-off” (Wall Street Journal). An off-the-record explanation was offered by a CNN reporter: “look, Trump has already taken sides against Maduro’s wrecking of the country’s economy. Clearly, that is an intrusion on its sovereignty. Just because the results of Maduro’s policies aren’t liked by some citizens doesn’t give them the right to collude with foreigners to undermine them. We are merely presenting an unbiased description of the situation.”

Trump Demands Return of Federal Aid

In the wake of Gov. Gavin Newsome’s decision to scale down California’s bullet train, the Trump Administration is demanding that federal grants awarded for the larger original project be returned. Originally, the train was to connect San Diego, Los Angeles, Sacramento, and San Francisco. The scaled down version will connect Bakersfield and Merced.

“The federal aid for this train was predicated on the promise of a much bigger system,” Trump said. “Since they aren’t going to build the bigger system, they’re not entitled to the money. It’s like a contractor promising to build a mansion, but delivering a shack. California has no legal right to keep the money intended for the larger project.”

Stanford law professor David Engstrom bypassed the legalities and observed that “the practice of recovering money for breach of contract is not something that is ordinarily done in the public sector. Squandering federal aid is expected. Bureaucrats at the federal level repeatedly overlook this waste out of solidarity with state and local bureaucrats. The basic procedure is to keep the money flowing to ensure that all participants get paid regardless of whether the projects are successful.”

Newsome bristled at “Trump’s naive belief that contracts must be enforced. Other presidents haven’t enforced contracts. President Obama granted California wide leeway when it came to budgets and delivery dates. All of the agreed upon budgets ran over. None of the agreed upon deadlines were met. Yet, the federal money kept flowing. This created an expectation that California need not fulfill its obligations in order to receive the federal money. Breaching our expectation breaks long-standing traditions in how federal aid is handled.”

Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that “teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator.”

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that “the bill would abridge teachers’ rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials’ acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers’ rights.”

Meanwhile, in Illinois, the state legislature is considering a bill that requires every public middle and high school to supply tampons and sanitary napkins for free in every boys’ restroom. State Rep. Linda Chapa LaVia (D-Aurora) explained that “the old ways of determining one’s sex have been superseded by the realization that gender is a social construct. Just because a person has a vagina doesn’t mean that person is female. If that person identifies as male, school’s need to supply hygiene products so he can cope with emergencies due to his non-conforming genitalia.”

University Bans YAF

Students attempting to register a chapter of Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) at Syracuse University were rebuffed for “unacceptable values.” One of the requirements for those wanting to join YAF is allegiance to the US Constitution.

David Sargalski, director of the Office of Student Activities, pointed out that “some of our students don’t have any allegiance to the US Constitution. Requiring that a person must revere the Constitution in order to be a member of this right-wing organization is unfair. On top of this, the name of the organization includes the words ‘for freedom.’ This improperly excludes students who are against freedom. This violates the University’s nondiscrimination policies.”

Justine Murray, the YAF group’s president characterized the University’s position as “Orwellian. Democrats, Republicans, and Socialists all have been allowed to register. All of these groups have from time to time mentioned the US Constitution during their political advocacy activities. Why is a definitively pro-constitution organization like YAF disallowed?”

“I think Ms. Murray has pointed out the difference herself,” Sargalski observed. “None of the organizations she cited take a position explicitly endorsing the Constitution. All are flexible in their opinions regarding the document. All are less doctrinaire regarding freedom. Any student can be more comfortable in joining these organizations without having to commit to the controversial values espoused by YAF.”

NC Judge Voids Amendments

Wake County Superior Court Judge G. Bryan Collins invalidated a state constitutional amendment requiring voters to show photo IDs at the polls. He also tossed an amendment placing a cap on the state’s income tax. Though the amendments were both passed handily by voters, Collins ruled that because the legislature is so gerrymandered it had no authority to place them on the ballot.

Reactions to the ruling were split. North Carolina GOP Chairman Robin Hayes called the ruling “an absurd usurpation of the voters’ right to govern themselves.” Rev. Dr. T. Anthony Spearman of the NAACP hailed the ruling as “a triumph over racism.”

Interestingly, a report prepared by the National Bureau of Economic Research stated that “voter ID laws have no negative effect on registration or turnout, overall or for any group defined by race, gender, age, or party affiliation.” Unfortunately, Judge Collins also ruled that all copies of this report be seized and destroyed because “it is logical to assume that photo ID requirements do suppress the minority vote. On average minorities are less educated and less energetic. Requiring them to obtain, retain, and show photo IDs at the polls may be asking too much.”

Pelosi Refuses to Release Her Tax Return

Though she is co-sponsoring a bill that would require President Trump and vice-president Pence to release their tax returns, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she will not release her own. CNSNews correspondent Emily Ward suggested to her that “since you’ve been saying that as speaker you’re the president’s equal in terms of authority and responsibility. You are also in line behind the Vice-President to become president should anything happen to them. So, wouldn’t releasing your returns set a good example?”

“By law, all tax returns are considered private and confidential,” the speaker replied. “That includes mine. I have no legal or moral obligation to make them public. The legislation I’m sponsoring applies only to the president and vice-president. It doesn’t include anyone else’s tax returns. We’re only seeking to invade the privacy of two out of the 140 million federal income taxpayers. That’s a tiny fraction of the total and shouldn’t be cause for anyone to become alarmed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Given Congress’ provision of only a small token appropriation of $1.4 billion to fund a mere 55 miles of border barriers, President Trump used his constitutional designation as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and statutory authority under the National Emergencies Act of 1976 to declare the continuing invasion of the United States by millions of illegal aliens a “national emergency.” The President announced he will use funds appropriated for national defense to build border barriers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) denounced the President’s action as “unlawful. To characterize the migration of millions of future Democratic voters into this country as an invasion is inhumane. These migrants come from poor countries that are unable to provide the kind of social benefits we readily extend to American citizens whose only accomplishment has been to have been born on the north side of the border.”

“We are a wealthy nation and have a moral obligation to share our wealth with those less fortunate,” Pelosi elaborated. “The argument that it is financially impractical for us to do this doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. The average American is overfed and loaded down with excessive material possessions. Our homes are too big. We waste our time and money on frivolous entertainment. We have no moral right to withhold our surplus from a more equitable redistribution.”

Schumer contrasted Trump’s abuse of executive power with former President Obama’s, saying that “while President Obama admittedly went beyond his authority in declaring amnesty and special privileges for dreamers, he did it out of love, not hate. Though there is no explicit language in the Constitution or any statute authorizing his action, the courts decided there should be and upheld what he did. We’re confident that the courts will see the distinction between what these two presidents did and strike down Trump’s evil use of his authority.”

Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes.

“GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah,” she admitted. “The beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was largely achieved by luring people to join the workforce. The tremendous loss of what was formerly paid leisure time remains unacknowledged by the GOP.”

Moore held forth the remedy that the Green New Deal will provide “to correct the imbalances created by the Trump economy. By making it explicit that everyone in this country is entitled to a decent living without having to endure the suffering inherent in actually working for a living we will guarantee that both the industrious and the indolent are treated equally under the law.”

California Eyeing Expropriation of Pacific Gas & Electric

Faced with a huge shortfall between revenues and expenditures, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is putting together a “Strike Team” to seize the bankrupt PG&E utility.

As Newsom sees it, “expropriation will help reduce the State’s budget deficit. First, upon taking ownership we will repudiate the debts of this corporation and relieve ourselves of the obligation to pay back money lent to the company. Second, we will then breakdown and sell all the assets for cash. Friends tell me that the copper wires that carry electricity to homes and businesses bring a good price in the resale market.”

The Governor said he hopes “to use the funds from the sale of PG&E’s assets to tear down the fencing between California and Mexico and re-install it on our eastern border with Nevada and Arizona to impede the out-migration of citizens fleeing rats, humans defecating in the streets, open drug use and high taxes plaguing our sanctuary state.”

Former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke (D) praised Newsom’s plan to reunite California with Mexico and offered to stage a rally for reconquista near the State’s southern border. “I am 100% behind anything that my Mexican supporters want,” he said. “If they want to become American citizens, I’ll support that. If they want to take back California, Texas and other lands stolen from them, I’ll support that. It’s time we right the historical wrongs the United States has done to Mexico and Mexicans.”

In related news, the Denver City Council voted unanimously to legalize defecating in the streets. Mayor Michael Hancock explained “we are trying to make our City a more enticing destination for immigrants coming from countries where taking a dump in the open air is a privilege they’ve long been accustomed to enjoy.”

FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump

Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe’s book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump.

“It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security,” McCabe asserted. “He had no prior government experience. He didn’t work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race and horrified us all by unexpectedly winning. All of us who had worked behind the scenes to try to insure his defeat were now at risk.”

“We looked at a lot of options,” McCabe recalled. “Rosenstein offered to wear a wire in hopes that he could goad Trump into a damaging statement. Others pointed out that Trump had been under FBI surveillance since the moment he began his run for the presidency and we heard nothing of substance to discredit him. We looked at the 25th Amendment, but realized we lacked any compromising data on Pence that we could use to pressure him to declare Trump incompetent. All we could agree on was to appoint Mueller as a special counsel to initiate a wide-ranging probe aimed at creating a negative public image for the President.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza averred that “the attempts to use the 25th Amendment, surveillance, and a smear campaign fueled by leaks from the Mueller investigation strike me as mild compared to what they could’ve done. I mean, the FBI used deadly force to take out the much lesser threats posed to the nation by David Koresh and Randy Weaver. Neither of them seized power or threatened to expose or disrupt the long-term governance of the United States. I think Trump should consider himself lucky to be merely illegally spied upon and vilified.”

Congresswoman Excited to Have Sparked Debate about Jews

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) expressed excitement that her anti-Semitic tweets “have sparked a desperately needed discussion and debate over the nefarious Zionist conspiracy to take over the world. Muslims have been fighting to exterminate these vermin ever since Mohammed warned us about them fourteen hundred years ago. I’m glad I can use the platform awarded to me by my election to Congress to reach a wider audience.”

“There are a hundred times as many Muslims as there are Jews,” Omar pointed out. “If we believe in democracy shouldn’t the wishes of the super-majority outweigh the wishes of the tiny minority? Shouldn’t this cancer on humanity be excised as the Prophet advised?”

Fellow Muslim Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed her disappointment at “the harsh response to Rep. Omar’s uncensored honesty. She may not have the kind of hard evidence to prove her point that unbelievers demand, but I admire her passion. What I don’t admire is our fellow congressional members violating the immunity from criticism granted her by the Constitution. Unfortunately, there is no remedy under current law that would punish such disrespect. I pray for the day when Sharia is the law of the land and all unbelievers are required to show Muslims the respect that the Quran commands we be given.”

Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va) reminded us all that “Ilhan is only a freshman representative. She hasn’t had the proper opportunity to learn the weaselly words a more experienced member of congress would use to communicate prejudicial and defamatory sentiments.”

Dem Presidential Hopeful Claims Ability to See Future

This week, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) tried to bolster her prospects for nabbing the Democratic nomination for president in the 2020 election by alleging she can see the future. “Back when I was in college in the 1980s I had a glimpse of the future where I saw the rise to fame of Snoop Dogg and Tupac,” she claimed. “This was before anyone, including me, knew who these people were. Then came the 1990s and both shot to the top of the music world.”

“Now I see two paths diverging depending on who is elected our next president,” Harris said. “On one path, Trump is reelected and the airwaves are inundated with cornball country music as far as the ear can hear. On the other path, I am elected and rising new hip hop musicians named the Diddler and Dr. Freezee hit the scene. I urge voters to make a wise choice.”

The Senator credited her marijuana smoking for her extraordinary power to see the future. “Unlike former president and sex offender Bill Clinton, I inhaled,” she pointed out. “The combination of my unique DNA and the chemicals contained in pot, which you can only benefit from if you actually consume them, made me a trans-human mutant with superpowers.”

Meanwhile, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) forecast a future in which he will outlaw meat consumption if he is elected: “This planet simply cannot sustain people eating meat. When I’m president I will issue an executive order abolishing the consumption of animal flesh anywhere in the world.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week the lunatic caucus of the Democratic Party unveiled its touted “Green New Deal” plan to save the planet. Key features of the plan include putting an end to air travel, eliminating meat from the human diet, rebuilding every human structure, ending carbon emissions, getting rid of fossil-fueled automobiles, and providing a guaranteed income for people unwilling to work.

The plan’s primary architect Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed criticism contending that her plan is impractical by pointing out that “the sacrifices we are calling for are most certainly feasible. Abraham Lincoln never flew on an airplane. Hitler was a vegetarian. There was a time when every human lived in a cave and all food was consumed raw. Walking is a healthier method of travel than riding in automobiles. And ensuring that everyone is provided for will eradicate the last vestiges of wage-slavery.”

Ocasio-Cortez boasted that “the next president of the United States has already signed on as a backer of my plan.” Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) declared herself “a proud co-sponsor of the Green New Deal” and rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (NJ), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Obama Administration Sec. of Housing & Urban Development Julián Castro, and former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Texas) have also endorsed the plan.

Potential contender former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, said that he would propose his own “Greenish New Deal,” which he maintains “is a less pie in the sky and more affordable path to the same basic objective. In my plan we simply outlaw gun ownership by the law-abiding portion of the population and allow the criminal elements of society to cull the human herd.”

Planned Parenthood Pushes “Care for All”

Encouraged by the “courageous and visionary leadership of Governors Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Ralph Northam (D-Virginia)” Planned Parenthood (PP) announced a major push for similar legislation in every state.

PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter said “decisive action at the state level is needed to counter the possibility that the next Trump appointee to the Supreme Court tips the balance in favor of undesirable revisions or ‘clarifications’ of the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling. As we saw from Trump’s State of the Union speech, he is not averse to using lurid language denigrating the medically necessary dismemberment of what he called ‘beautiful babies’ in late term abortions. We cannot supinely await the negative political outcome of such an emotional appeal to abridge a woman’s most precious civil right.”

“We are going on the offensive with a multi-million dollar campaign in more than half the states to expand and enhance abortion rights,” Slaughter bragged. “We are grateful that the half-billion in federal aid we receive each year gives us the financial resources to make our liberating message heard throughout the land.”

Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts joined the four liberal members of the Supreme Court to block enforcement of a Louisiana law requiring that abortion clinics have admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

“Inasmuch as the new law in New York permits non-doctors to perform abortions it isn’t clear that requiring hospital admitting privileges would be practical,” Roberts said. “Further, since Planned Parenthood’s information and lobbying outreach campaign had not yet been launched before the Louisiana law was enacted, their state legislators were denied the opportunity to hear an important opposing message before they hastily acted.”

Don’t Take “Death to America” Personal

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei advised “ordinary Americans” to “not take the ‘death to America’ slogan personal. It is aimed at your country’s leaders—Trump, Pompeo, Bolton and the like. They are the ones we demand be killed. Commoners would be judged on a case-by-case basis. As long as they have not committed any crimes against Islamic law, obey their Islamic rulers, and either convert or pay the jizya and feel themselves subdued most will probably survive.”

Khamenei also warned Europeans “to not get too uppity. Just because we do not chant death to France or Germany, for example, doesn’t mean we are pleased with their actions. France, as a case in point, has been unfairly interfering with Muslims rioting in the streets against the depraved behavior of French women walking around looking like whores in revealing clothing, naked faces, arms, and legs and with no male relative chaperon them. Raping these whores, burning their cars, and vandalizing the businesses they frequent are mild consequences compared to the ‘honor killings’ imposed on Muslim women for lesser offenses against the Prophet’s commands.”

Trump Blamed for Virginia Dems’ Blackface Scandal

What started out as an attempt to divert attention from Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s casual endorsement of infanticide during a radio show by hyping the discovery of a photo of a person in black face make-up standing next to another person wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood, mask and cloak in Eastern Virginia Medical School’s 1984 yearbook has turned into a scandal exposing top Democrats in the state.

At first, Northam tried apologizing, but once he realized that the person in blackface was not him, he denied being either person in the photo and said he didn’t know how the picture got into the yearbook. William Elwood who was a page designer for the yearbook explained that “each student submitted a sealed envelope of photos and other materials intended to appear on his page. At no time since 1984 did Dr. Northam complain about what was on his page.”

After several prominent Virginia Democrats called for Northam’s resignation news emerged that Leiutenant-Governor Justin Fairfax (D), who would succeed him, has been accused of sexually assaulting two women—one at Duke University in 2000 and one at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and Attorney-General Mark Herring (D) who initially called for Northam’s resignation and is next in the line of succession after Fairfax, has admitted wearing blackface make-up as a teenager in 1980, but maintained “it was something we all did back in those days. No one was ever hurt in any of the simulated lynchings. We were just having a little fun.”

Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) blames President Trump for this “sorry display of bigotry. He contributed to the vile environment that led these young men astray back in the 1980s. Why, just the other night he bragged that his policies have forced a historically high percentage of Blacks off of unemployment and into the workforce. He’s this era’s Simon Legree and proud of it. This is further proof that that man must be impeached and removed from office.”

Booker to Oppose Trump Judicial Nominee

After a series of obnoxious questions probing the breadth and depth of judicial nominee Neomi Rao’s knowledge of the sexual orientation of those who have worked for her at the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) pronounced her “unqualified to serve on any court.”

“Her publicly admitted ignorance about the sex lives of those she works with reveals a willful refusal to get involved in the most important aspect of modern life,” Booker asserted. “Her claim to be focused on her employees’ competence and performance at their jobs to the exclusion of taking an interest whether they are gay, bi, transgender, or other strikes me as unacceptably narrow and professional. It’s bad enough that she is already a government employee in a supervisory position. It is inconceivable that she should ever be trusted to be a judge.”

“Ms. Rao’s insistence that other people’s sex lives are none of her business runs counter to the kind of progressive society we’re trying to build in America,” the Senator argued. “Ideally, we should be as openly transparent as dogs are when they meet other dogs. They don’t feign disinterest. They get right down to sniffing each other’s hindquarters. If we were as honest as dogs we’d all admit that this is what we’d like to do ourselves. A person like Rao is clearly feigning disinterest. This type of dishonesty makes her unfit to be a judge.”

Maduro Repels US Interference in Venezuela’s Weight Loss Program
Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.”

“The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from going to waste. This has made us more efficient and has helped clean up our environment.”

Opposition leader Juan Guaidó denounced Maduro’s refusal to let the food aid through, saying that “hundreds of thousands are on the verge to starving to death without it. We had hoped that the Army would side with the people and disobey his orders to blockade the food aid, but they have so far sided with Maduro because he lets them murder whoever they want.”

NY Guv Considering Supporting Construction of a Wall

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is reported to be leaning toward supporting the construction of a wall around his state’s borders. “We are facing a major fiscal crisis,” he said. “Our state’s high tax rates have encouraged many of our highest earning residents to move to other states. We may need a wall to impede further attempts to escape paying these taxes.”

Cuomo is said to be impressed by the Berlin Wall’s long period of success in deterring those living in Communist East Germany from escaping to capitalist West Germany in the nearly three decades of its existence following its 1961 construction. Made of basic concrete blocks, bolstered with razor wire and manned by well-armed guards, it prevented nearly 100 percent of those trying to leave from succeeding.
NY State Assembly Speaker Carl Heastie (D-Bronx) said he shares the Governor’s concerns, but wondered if a wall, per se was the best approach. “If we build a wall wouldn’t that undermine our Party’s objection to Trump’s wall on the Mexican border?” Heastie wondered. “Wouldn’t pre-dawn raids on the homes of residents suspected of planning to flee be more effective? The element of surprise and the sense of terror such raids would instill strikes me as a more flexible option than a static wall. Besides, while we’re there we could just seize whatever money or other items of value might be lying around.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest report from the International Shark Attack File indicates that shark attacks on humans in 2018 declined by more than 20 percent from 2017 figures. Director of the Florida Museum of Natural History’s shark research program Gavin Naylor called the decrease “unusual. It may be because there are fewer sharks or maybe humans are being more cautious.”

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cited the decrease as “frightening evidence of the devastating impact of unchecked climate change. Warming waters are making sharks more lethargic and less capable of fulfilling their role as apex predators atop the food chain. Unless we eliminate fossil-based fuels this baleful trend will likely continue to disrupt the environmental balance.”

Delegate Kathy Tran (D-Springfield), author of a bill that would legalize post-birth abortions in the State of Virginia, apologized for overlooking the human threat to sharks in her companion bill to protect canker worms and gypsy moths from human efforts to exterminate them. “Just because these creatures destroy forests doesn’t give us the right to practice genocide against them,” Tran asserted. “Sharks do even less damage. Some would even argue that their consumption of humans is beneficial to the environment.”

Tran promised to rework her bill to be “more inclusive in the protections offered to species whose only offense is disrespecting human preferences. For example, we have been waging decades of unlimited antibiotic warfare against bacteria in a callous disregard of their right to life. Well, now they will have a champion in me.”

In related news, Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) explained his support for Tran’s post-birth abortion bill, saying that “given the extreme stress put on the environment by human habitation it is imperative that we seize every opportunity to cull the human herd. Allowing mothers to terminate their own children strikes me as an appropriately humane way of both accomplishing this vital objective and securing the female vote for the Democratic Party’s candidates.” Northam’s perspective may have been inspired by Planned Parenthood Virginia PAC’s contribution of $2 million to aid his election in 2017.

Mexico Declares End to Drug War

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador announced that his government will cease all operations against the drug cartels that essentially rule the border area south of the United States. The president justified this change in policy as pragmatism. “We are not endorsing the reign of terror carried out by these criminals,” he said. “Our hope is to mitigate it by adopting a more realistic perspective.”

“Since we lack the power to win this war it makes more sense to try to reach an accommodation,” the President maintained. “Once the cartels are persuaded that the government will not interfere with their business operations it is hoped that their perceived need to murder government officials will wane.”

“A more positive view of the cartels acknowledges the injection of cash into the Mexican economy resulting from their export of drugs and humans to El Norte,” López suggested. “These high-profit margin businesses put little strain on Mexico’s resources. In this respect, they are ‘cash cows’ bringing more wealth into the country. Rather than futilely trying to suppress these businesses it makes more economic sense to encourage the favorable balance of trade they generate.”

US House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) hailed “the refreshing realism of President López” and contrasted it with “the foolishly stubborn opposition to this commerce by President Trump. Millions of Americans depend on the opiates these Mexican businesses produce and ship into this country. Without these drugs they would have to endure the pain of the Trump Administration in a fully conscious state. This is why I will never approve the kind of barrier to cross-border commerce that Trump demands.”

To emphasize the compassion behind her stance, Pelosi pointed out that “in San Francisco there are now more drug addicts than there are high school students. Policies that would interdict the flow of drugs to this growing cohort of the community are fundamentally undemocratic. As their elected representative, it is my solemn obligation to fight for their interests.”

California Restaurant Bars MAGA Hats

The Wursthall restaurant in San Mateo has declared that henceforth it will no longer serve customers who wear the infamous Trump “Make America Great Again” hats.

“These hats don’t reflect our values,” co-owner J. Kenji Lopez-Alt fulminated. “They conflict with the graceful adjustment to average status that President Obama tried to instill in our nation’s population. The sentiment expressed by those wearing the hats is that America should strive to be greater than other countries. This selfish chauvinism rejects the placid adaptation to mediocrity that is key to world peace.”

Lopez-Alt also sees a frightening parallel with Nazism in the hats. “Hitler deluded the German people with a similar promise to make Germany great again,” he argued. “We all saw how that turned out. We need to learn from history, not repeat it. A small step toward avoiding a repetition of the horrors visited on Europe and the world by Hitler is by ostracizing Trump supporters from public spaces. Our ban is part of this process.”

Warren Apologizes to Cherokees

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to undo some early damage to her 2020 presidential bid by writing a fundraising letter apologizing to the Cherokee Nation “for my years of attempting to characterize myself as a member of your tribe.” In her defense she claimed to have “enjoyed dressing up as an Indian as a child” and contrasted that with “my peers who all sided with the white invaders and US Cavalry.”

“I know that DNA-wise, I didn’t score especially high as an Indian, but since the Cherokees don’t regard DNA as the determining factor in tribal membership I don’t really see why my self identification was out of line,” she mused. “Haven’t we all accepted the idea that a person can identify with any gender they want? Why can’t we accept that I was a harbinger of this liberating meme when I identified as a Cherokee?”

The final paragraph of her letter warned that “I’m probably the closest any Cherokee will ever get to being elected president of the United States. After all, I’m the closest to a Cherokee Senator that your tribe will ever see. Let’s bury the hatchet and make common cause against the whites by getting me into the White House.”

Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence’s religious views unfairly favor good over evil. “Under our Constitution all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies,” Greaves asserted. “Yet, we see the Vice-President of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith.”

“Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans,” Greaves complained. “We are a minority in need of the protections from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman’s legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith’s most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority opposed to our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif) vow that “Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord’s work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil against the will of the voters.”

Trump Economy “Distortion” Bewailed

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the biggest gains in wages under the Trump Administration’s policies have been in private-sector employment, especially blue-collar workers. Last year, pay in the private sector rose 3% on average, but only 2.5% for white-collar management and professional employees. Gains were up by 4.2% for salespersons, 3.7% for production workers, 3.4% for transportation and utilities workers, and 4.1% for leisure and hospitality workers.

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) contended that “this inequitable distortion from long-term trends rewarding college graduates is another black mark against the Trump regime. A society that fails to grant adequate compensation for earning a college degree encourages young people to eschew advanced education and settle for jobs where they will be forced to perform useful services if they expect to get a decent wage.”

“Policies that reward deplorables at the expense of the educated classes are skewed toward benefiting those shown to support Trump in high percentages,” Schumer lamented. “Meanwhile, the educated classes that staff the nonessential government agencies were forced into a paid vacation by the Trump government shutdown. The anxiety these dedicated employees had to suffer while on furlough was not adequately compensated by giving them back pay for the time they weren’t working. This is but another item in the list of those crying out for the impeachment of the most disruptive individual to ever serve as president.”

In related news, returning formally furloughed feds are reputedly suffering from paralyzing low morale. The contrast of not doing any work while they were at home vs. their more customary not doing any work at the office has induced a widespread sense of confusion and alienation. Said one, “you get used to hanging out at the office with your buds, surfing the Internet, taking long lunches, and going home early. It had its own rhythm. At home there was no structure. I could laze around all day, but had no comrades at hand to share it with. Life will never be the same.”

Latino Group Sues Texas

A recent audit discovered that nearly 100,000 non-citizens are registered to vote in the State of Texas. In an attempt to forestall the State from purging the voter rolls of these ineligible voters, the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) has filed suit.

“The voters to be purged may not be citizens of the United States, but they are citizens somewhere in the world and residents of Texas,” LULAC attorney Luis Vera observed. “They have a human right to participate in selecting those who govern them. Disenfranchising them, as the Texas authorities intend to do, diminishes them as human beings.”

Vera castigated what he characterized as “racism pure and simple. Allowing whites to rule over Latinos just because they were born into American citizenship is manifestly unfair.”

Kasich Purloins Comedian’s Airline Seat

Former Ohio governor John Kasich (R) thwarted Alaska Airlines’ efforts to reassign him to another seat by seizing the first class seat purchased by comedian Julie Klausner. Kasich was liable for seat reassignment because he had paid the lowest price.

Kasich defended his actions by asserting his entitlement “as a more important passenger. I think a former state governor, presidential candidate and newly hired CNN commentator has priority over a mere comedian. I made laws. I challenged Trump. I will be guiding CNN viewers toward the correct opinions and attitudes about public policy for the next few years. All Klausner has done and will do is tell a few jokes to a much smaller audience.”

Klausner called her run in with Kasich “a potential goldmine of material for my future gigs. Many politicians are a-holes, but they usually don’t display it so crassly in public. Given his boasted personal connections with the US Postal Service, I am a bit surprised he didn’t have himself mailed to San Francisco. That would’ve saved him even more money.”

Tax on Cisgendered Whites Proposed

Left-wing firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is proposing a new tax on poor whites who identify with the sex they were born with. The funds raised would be devoted to aiding non-white transgenders who, according to the Congresswoman, are denied similar privileges.

“I was recently reminded that as a female who identifies as female I am cisgendered,” she admitted. “As such I enjoy privilege that others don’t have. To atone for my transgression I’ve decided to sponsor a bill that would levy a tax on the most privileged cisgenders in our society—poor whites.”

“The money raised could be used to fund gender reassignment surgeries, lawsuits against persons who neglect to use the preferred pronouns when speaking to or referring to transgenders, wardrobe expansions for individuals who are fluid-gendered and any other expense that may arise from being non-privileged,” the Congresswoman said.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

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