Smollett Exonerated by State Attorney

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Hoaxer Jussie Smollett announced his exoneration after Kim Foxx, state attorney for Cook County, Illinois dismissed all charges against him. “The racist persecution of me by the Chicago Police Department has been debunked by higher authorities,” Smollett bragged. “This proves I told the truth.” He further went on to demand prosecution of “the Nigerian thugs who doused me with bleach and threatened to hang me.”

The Illinois Prosecutors Bar Association questioned Foxx’s “highly abnormal decision. Her phony recusal followed by a unilateral decree of exoneration without notice to the law enforcement entities who filed the charges violated the law. The claim that her action falls within the scope of a prosecutor’s discretion is dubious. The norm for declining to prosecute a case with such overwhelming evidence of guilt includes a defendant’s admission of responsibility. But as we have seen, Mr. Smollett continues to promulgate the same untruthful assertions that led to the hoax charges leveled against him.”

Foxx rebutted the Bar Association’s criticism by citing former FBI Director James Comey’s exoneration of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in July of 2016. “After listing a number of valid reasons why Sec. Clinton ought to have faced charges, Director Comey dismissed them,” Foxx pointed out. “Clinton was not required to admit guilt as a condition for Comey’s grant of amnesty. If a member of this country’s ruling class doesn’t have to follow the law it would be unfair to hold Mr. Smollett to these standards. As a gay black man he is a member of two protected classes.”

“I want to also express my appreciation to my good friend Tina Tchen for apprising me of the new precedent established by Director Comey’s action,” Foxx added. “There must be a level playing field if true justice is to be achieved. Mr. Smollett’s heritage of suffering in our racist and homophobic society is sufficient punishment for his ill-conceived efforts to highlight the toxic influence of Donald Trump.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel seconded Foxx’s rationale. “Initially, I was shocked that her action was taken without informing either the Chicago Police Department or my office,” the Mayor said. “However, upon reflection I came to the understanding that if anyone is to blame it is President Trump. Trump’s unrelenting efforts to entice blacks off of welfare and into the workforce have stoked the kind of feelings of despair that inspire people like Mr. Smollett to concoct a narrative to try to counter this culture shock. In the grand scheme of things Smollett’s hoax was not out of step with the much bigger Russian collusion hoax that is still underway at the highest level of government, politics, and media. The small fish shouldn’t be treated more harshly than those big fish.”

In related news, Smollett has been nominated for an NAACP Image Award “for his creative reenactment of a vision of oppression that never happened to him, but might have in an alternate universe. This ‘street drama’ touched many hearts and minds and was so powerful that he was absolved of culpability for 16 felonies. Few other black individuals have accomplished so much at so little cost to themselves.”

Mexico Demands Apology for Spanish Conquest

President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador demanded that the nation of Spain and the Catholic Church apologize for their invasion and conquest of the Aztec Empire 500 years ago. “They brought alien ideas, diseases, and brute force from Europe and destroyed a vibrant indigenous culture.”

The Spanish government refused to apologize. King Felipe VI, challenged the Mexican President’s characterization of “these ancient events as one-sided ‘massacres and oppression.’ The Aztec Empire held power by massacring and oppressing subjugated indigenous people. These victims were tortured and coerced into becoming human sacrifices to their oppressors’ bloodthirsty gods. While the invading Spaniards were no angels, the Aztecs were worse. That’s why so many of the other peoples in Mexico sided with the invaders.

The Mexican President was outraged by Spain’s response. “The assertion that white Christian values were superior to those of the indigenous rulers is the height of arrogance,” Lopez contended. “As we are observing, the idea of human sacrifice is now being championed by the Democratic Party in the culturally advanced United States. That this concept was suppressed for 500 years must bear a significant share of the blame for the current worldwide climate change crisis.”

Court Rules Against Health Care Choice

U.S. District Judge John Bates ruled against a Trump Administration policy that permits small businesses to join health care associations in order to gain some of the same economies of scale available to larger corporations.

“The premise of this policy that these businesses ought to be able to decide what kind of coverage they want to purchase violates the Obamacare requirement that all must purchase the coverage dictated by the federal government,” Bates said. “Complaints that the mandated coverage is unnecessary and too expensive are irrelevant. It is not for private sector firms or individuals to decide what they want to buy. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) reserves this decision to the government.”

New York Attorney General Letitia James, one of the litigants suing to have these associations outlawed, praised the court’s ruling. “The Trump Administration’s attempt to place individual freedom ahead of the collective responsibility to follow the rules laid down for them by the ACA is intolerable,” she argued. “Letting individuals make decisions on their own health care invites the kind of anarchy we observe throughout the economy in decisions about what to eat, wear, how to spend time, where to live, and where to travel. If we are to avoid the devastation of such anarchy we must ensure that government determines these decisions.”

Russian Hoax Conspirators Blame Others

Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper unveiled a “just following orders” defense for anticipated charges of engaging in a high-level conspiracy to derail Trump’s election and undermine his presidency.

“I and the others in the intelligence community who worked so hard to achieve these results were acting out of patriotism and loyalty to President Obama,” Clapper claimed. “While everyone involved agreed that Donald Trump was unfit to be president none of us would have gone forward with these efforts without clearance from President Obama. He was our commander-in-chief.”

“We are not traitors,” Clapper insisted. “President Obama was kept fully informed throughout the whole process, both before the 2016 election and after. It was a sanctioned, not a rogue, operation.”

Co-conspirator former CIA Director John Brennan took a different tack, alleging that “I was given bad information. It looks like the insiders I trusted repeatedly lied to me. I pooh-poohed Trump’s suggestion that Putin was more trustworthy than US intelligence agents, but given the revelation that most of what they leaked to me was false I now realize he may have been correct.”

Co-conspirator former FBI Director James Comey blamed Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller “for not carrying through the agreed upon plan. We engineered his appointment in the expectation that he could be counted on the finish the job. For a couple of years that looked to be going well, but at the last minute he lost his nerve and used a ‘lack of evidence’ excuse to sabotage the entire scheme. Thankfully, the media and the Democratic Party have not been scared off. I am optimistic that their continued efforts over the next 20 months will result in the ouster of Trump by the voters in November 2020.”

Pelosi Calls Trump Threat to Close Border “Vote Suppression”

President Trump’s threat to close the border with Mexico to stem the tide of illegal immigration was slammed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as “vote suppression, pure and simple.” She cited a study “Immigration Status, Immigrant Family Ties, and Support for the Democratic Party,” by researcher George Hawley in support of her contention.

“This study shows that immigrants overwhelmingly vote for Democrats,” Pelosi pointed out. “Trump’s efforts to block the arrival of new voters from Latin America is, therefore, discriminatory and unconstitutional.”

Hawley’s report projected that “unconstrained immigration—legal or illegal—will within a short period of time lead to a new Democratic political dominance across the nation. The type of one-Party domination that we see in cities like Chicago and New York and states like California and Massachusetts will become commonplace. The Republican Party will sink to ‘super-minority’ status with an inability to effectively oppose anything that the Democratic Party wishes to do.”

Meanwhile, the border wall in Hungary has reduced illegal immigration into that country by 99%–suggesting that Pelosi’s objections that Trump’s wall would be ineffective are disingenuous.

Dem Leader Pleads for Understanding

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pleaded with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee to overlook anti-Semitic statements and the boycott of the organization’s annual conference by leading contenders for his Party’s presidential nomination and “stick with what has worked in the past.”

“The progressive values that the Democratic Party has championed cannot be implemented in policy if we don’t win elections,” Schumer pointed out. “Winning elections requires compromises to keep our coalition intact. Since anti-Semitism is growing in popularity around the world—largely in response to the dynamic expansion of Islamic values and views—it is imperative that the growing cohort of Muslims in this country know that the Democratic Party respects their religious beliefs so we can be sure of their votes.”

“Jews have been reliable Democrats for generations,” Schumer observed. “Our Party couldn’t have been as successful without them. Now that we are on the cusp of the social transformation to collectivism that President Obama promised, it would be tragic if thin-skinned objections to some of the raw language and rude behavior used by other members of our coalition were to diminish traditional the Jewish support for the Democratic Party.”

In related news, former Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) urged Republican voters to vote Democrat in the 2020 election, saying “it is better to let the lunatic left win than reelect the loathsome Donald Trump. The Democrats will try to regiment society with regulations, impoverish the economy with higher taxes, and import tens of millions of reliable Democrat voters from south of the border, but Trump will continue to offend delicate sensibilities with his brash rhetoric and boorish behavior.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Want $100 Million to Deal With Street Defecation

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reps. Barbara Lee (D-Calif) and Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) are proposing a federal grant program that would provide $100 million per year to cities to fund diapers.

“As we have seen, many of our urban centers are struggling to deal with people defecating in the streets,” Rep. Lee said. “On the one hand, the accumulating piles of excrement pose a health hazard. On the other hand, cities want to respect people’s right to pursue happiness in their own way. Our proposed legislation bridges this gap by providing the funds to pay for the distribution of adult diapers in these feces bestrewn cities.”

Whether the targeted population can be persuaded to avail themselves of the free diapers was not explicitly addressed by Lee, however, she did express optimism that “their sense of human decency combined with the absence of any out-of-pocket expense for the needed supplies would prove adequate to make a significant dent in the problem.”

Democrat 2020 presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly endorsed the proposed measure and pointed out that “full diapers would offer some ripe opportunities for pranking friends and loved ones.”

French Troops Cleared to Fire on Protesters

Pushed to the limits of his tolerance by 19 straight weeks of street protests against high taxes and low wages, French President Emmanuel Macron has given permission for government troops to used deadly force “to quell this annoying resistance to modern life. The teargas, baton charges, and water cannons we have been using have proven insufficient. It’s time we raise the stakes for those who seek to discredit the government’s right to rule them as we sit fit.”

The one limit that Macron has imposed is “to refrain from shooting any of our Muslim residents lest we escalate the violence against a population that will not restrain itself from deadly retaliation. So far, the Muslims have been putting their energy into desecrating synagogues and churches or targeting a few Jews or Christians for assault, rape and murder. They have not been part of the ‘yellow vest’ mobs. Let’s keep it that way.”

Sweden wants to Import More Muslims

The Swedish Migration Board has decided to grant asylum to 11 million Chinese Islamic Uyghurs. Carl Bexelius, Deputy Legal Chief at the Migration Board, justified the decision by pointing out that “fertility rates in Sweden have fallen below replacement levels. Ethnic Swedes are refusing to bear children. Rather than let our country become vacant it is better to let it be filled with the more fecund Muslims. If all 11 million manage to come here our population would double in a very short period of time.”

Public Employment Service Director General Mikael Sjöberg argued that “our ability to provide social benefits for our aging population depends upon a growing base of workers who will pay the taxes needed to sustain these benefits. We are hoping that the influx of young Muslim immigrants will fulfill this objective.”

Unfortunately, recent experience with immigrants from Islamic regions of the world to Sweden are not encouraging. The Muslim immigrants living in Sweden have an unemployment rate of nearly 20%. This is five times higher than that of ethnic Swedes. Sweden has also has been transformed from a low crime nation to a high crime nation since it began wholesale importation of Muslims into the country. For example, the frequency of sex crimes committed against women has tripled since 2011. These trends do not support the hoped for outcomes articulated by Swedish government officials.

Comey Hopes Trump Won’t Be Impeached

In a New York Times op ed, James Comey, former FBI Director and key instigator of the deep-state conspiracy against Trump, says he hopes the President doesn’t get impeached. “The chance that an impeachment will lead to a conviction in the US Senate is not good,” he estimated. “The failure of such a gambit will be seen as a vindication of Trump and likely aid his reelection.”

“I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government,” Comey suggested. “The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try.”

According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump’s election “was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken ‘reopening’ of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI’s credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters.”

“We’ve also learned that stories alleging ‘pussy grabbing,’ ‘urinating prostitutes,’ and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump,” Comey added. “We’re going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020.”

Democrat Presidential Hopefuls Proffer Reasons to Vote for Them

The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang’s proposal to establish a “Legion of Builders and Destroyers” who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. “The mutilation has gone on for far too long,” he says.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as “a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can’t match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O’Rourke’s claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. “As a former attorney general I’ve convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty,” she boasted. “I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I’m president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama’s dreams.”

John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that “I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie ‘Deep Throat.’ Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that “the first item on my action agenda after I’m elected president will be to reverse Trump’s policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I’m sure Trump isn’t aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don’t see why the US Army shouldn’t revive this weapon to demoralize our country’s foreign and domestic enemies.”

Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

Guv Endorses Bill Allowing Non-Doctors to Perform Abortions

Governor Janet Mills (D-Maine) is backing legislation that would allow non-doctors to perform late term abortions in her state. “The kind of slicing and dicing needed to dispose of an unwanted child doesn’t require the same kind of education and expertise needed to save a life,” Mills contends. “The law currently allows mohels, who are not doctors, to perform circumcisions. Why shouldn’t Satanists, who regard abortion as a sacred rite, be permitted to decapitate and dismember the unwanted unborn?”

The governor’s suggestion was greeted by cheering and applause from Democrats in the state legislature. It was also praised by Planned Parenthood’s spokesperson Adora Slaughter, who called it “a significant step toward reducing the cost of the procedure. Doctors are expensive. The skills required for performing an abortion could be mastered by a wider range of individuals after a much shorter course of training. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your average professional meat cutter couldn’t do the job as well as the obgyns we have to employ under the current regulations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party’s nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O’Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s.

The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC’s web site contained a warning saying: “This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs.”

O’Rourke used the pilfered services to post what he called “imaginative fiction” using the pen name “Psychedelic Warlord.” One of his stories featured a driver who intentionally killed two children because “they were happy. This happiness was mine by right.”

The newest of the growing collection of Democrats running for president described his experiences with CDC as “a good foundation for my career in politics. Many of the issues we advocated for 30 years ago –adultery, violence, bad grammar, deviant sexuality and drug abuse—have become widely accepted mainstream behaviors.”

“Given my background and visionary brilliance, I am the world’s best chance to stave off the coming climate catastrophe that scientists unanimously agree will occur in 12 years,” O’Rourke bragged. “I am the only candidate bold enough to take the severe and painful measures called for in the Green New Deal. Some people will say that I am pirating an idea first articulated by Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. But let me point out that 30 years before she was born I was writing about cows and urging their extermination as a possible means of deterring their farts.”

At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was asked to comment on any accomplishments that might recommend his election as president. She responded saying “well, he is a natural born citizen, is more than 35 years old and has lived here for more than 14 years. These qualifications set him apart from the millions of newcomers who will cast ballots to elect our next president.”

Meanwhile, the O’Rourke campaign has posted a want ad for volunteers “willing and able to wax his ass and scrub his balls.” Campaign spokesman Peter Hynd cryptically explained the bizarre request, saying that “the candidate requires certain personal attentions to look, feel and be at his best.”

Congresswoman Suggests Banks Be Nationalized

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee, asked Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan if the scandals that have plagued his bank “might prove that it is too big to manage. We see a pattern here. Customers have been abused and money has been wasted or misspent. Where’s the accountability?”

Waters wondered “whether the idea that banks can be trusted is no longer valid for our modern economy. Greed has gotten us into this mess. Maybe it’s time the government steps in to run all the banks and replaces the profit motive with a more socially just way of doing things. Unlike the private sector, the government isn’t bound to earn a profit. It can manage businesses free of the constraints of focus on the bottom line. Loans could be given based on need without concern about whether the borrower can make payments. This is how they do it in Cuba and we never hear of any scandals, defaults, or waste there.”

New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump

A gunman who described himself as a “Green Nationalist” and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter’s “Manifesto” explained the crime as “a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation” by targeting “a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity.” He also expressed admiration of China’s one-child policy, but “had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don’t have the balls to do what is needed.”

CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was somehow to blame. John Berman, host of the program “New Day,” professed to not blame Trump, but went on to say that “the President is not the killer, per se, but I detect a fear of immigrants similar to what the shooter expressed. And Trump, like the shooter, is white, while most of the victims were brown foreigners.”

CNN panelist Joe Lockhart saw a parallel between “the gunman’s paramilitary assault and Trump’s boast that he has the support of the US Military on his side. I’m not saying that Trump consciously invites anyone to murder immigrants, but couldn’t the deranged gunman have thought that he did? Can we afford to absolve an unwitting Trump from all responsibility here? Isn’t it our obligation to do whatever we can to silence him?”

Meanwhile, a group of students at New York University conducting a vigil to remember and mourn the victims of the attack assailed a hapless Chelsea Clinton when she dared to join the vigil. They blamed her “Islamophobia” for inspiring the shooter. “You married a Jew,” they shouted. “You criticized Rep. Omar for warning everyone about the Jews.” Flustered, Chelsea apologized profusely for her “insensitivity” and remarked that “it’s so hard to keep up with correct thinking.”

Goat Elected Town Mayor

In Fair Haven, Vermont voters have elected a goat named “Lincoln” mayor. In an attempt to explain the unusual outcome, Town Manager Joseph Gunter said he was unsure, but offered some possible motivations. “On the one hand, the goat’s name may have played a part in the decision. Lincoln was one of this nation’s greatest leaders. Perhaps the name alone inspired confidence.”

“On the other hand, voters have elected and reelected Bernie Sanders to the US Senate,” Gunter observed. “So, odd choices by the electorate are not entirely unknown in our state. At least the goat hasn’t proposed any crazy policies that could embarrass our town.”

Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia

Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar’shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a “Testicular Bill of Rights.”

“This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men’s bodies that Republicans have imposed on women’s bodies,” Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner’s permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4) require men to start paying child support when their partners are six-week pregnant; and (5) a 24-hour waiting period for men to acquire porn or sex toys.

While critics see more spite than genuine health issues as the driving motivation behind her bill, Kendrick pointed out that “an abortion kills only one person, but every ejaculation kills millions of potential persons. Laws that focus exclusively on preventing a mother from killing her own baby are unfairly singling out females whose lesser crime pales compared to the mass murders routinely committed by men. It’s not as if the fate of every man is not in his own hands. If he always wears a condom the chance he will impregnate any woman is nil. So, any man who religiously obeys section three of my law should be relatively safe from prosecution.”

Fellow abortion fanatic Rep. Park Cannon (D-Atlanta) favors a simpler approach and has offered an amendment “that would strike all the complicated provisions of Kendrick’s bill and replace them with a single requirement mandating that men turn themselves into the police whenever they release sperm from their testicles.”

Former Democratic candidate for Georgia governor Stacy Abrams said she “sympathized with Rep. Kendrick’s frustration,” but characterized her proposed bill “a joke.” Instead, she blamed corporations for not stopping the heartbeat bill from becoming law. “The majority of abortions are performed on poor women,” she pointed out. “Preventing these abortions means more mouths to feed and drives up the cost of welfare benefits. I would’ve thought that businesses would have opposed the new law on fiscal grounds. The few thousands they could’ve paid to sway the votes needed to kill the bill will now be outweighed by the millions in higher taxes needed to support these unwanted children.”

FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught

Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration’s conspiracy to derail Trump’s campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications.

For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. “I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of becoming suicidal. He advised me not to scoff because he’s seen it happen many times over the years.”

After her testimony Page said she regretted what had happened. “I don’t regret doing everything I could to try to rig the election for Hillary. Please make sure that President Clinton knows that. What I regret most is that we failed. What I regret second most is that we got caught. All that blabbing and boasting that Peter and I did via phone texting was stupid. The Mafia has a code of omertà for a reason. We should have abided by it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. His work has been cited by Rush Limbaugh. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Can’t Reach Consensus to Condemn Anti-Semitism

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Unable to cobble together a majority of her Party willing to vote for a resolution condemning the repeated anti-Semitic propaganda issuing forth from Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was able to get an insipid statement opposing hatred through.

“Since there are so many hateful things being said and done in the world, our caucus didn’t think it would be fair to single out Rep. Omar for rebuke,” Pelosi explained. “On top of that, it was pointed out to me the Quran commands Muslims to hate Jews and that criticizing her for following the commands of her faith would violate her right to freedom of religion.”

Democratic Whip Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) applauded Pelosi’s compromise and pointed out that “Omar has a right to vent against Jews after she spent so much time in a Kenyan refugee camp. She personally suffered. Almost all the Jews who survived the Holocaust are no longer alive. Most Jews alive today, therefore, have not personally experienced the kind of suffering that Omar has.” Unfortunately for Clyburn’s argument, Jews were not involved in running the refugee camp where Omar suffered.

Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) defended Omar’s slander on the grounds that “she was raised in a different culture. Every Muslim child is taught to hate Jews. It should not be surprising that as an adult Rep. Omar is repeating the lessons taught her as a child. Chastising her now for expressing her beliefs is part and parcel of the bigger problem of Islamophobia that is impeding this rapidly growing religion of peace from achieving the world-wide dominance that the Prophet Muhammad envisioned. Whether we agree with this vision or not, Muslims have a constitutional right to speak and take the actions necessary to fulfilling it.”

Twenty-three Republicans voted against the compromise measure, an action which Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez characterized as “worse than the supposed anti-Semitic offense of Rep. Omar. Her hate was limited in scope to only a tiny world-wide minority. The 23 Republicans refused to support a statement against all the forms of hate that exist in the world.”

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) called the resolution “a sham measure designed to provide cover for the anti-Semitic hate and bigotry expressed by Rep. Omar. The lame attempts to excuse her because she suffered or grew up in a culture that normalized anti-Semitism show a Democrat Party that has lost its grip on decency. The failure to specifically condemn Rep. Omar’s vile slanders amounts to a defacto endorsement of the idea that being a Democrat gives her immunity.”

Democrat contenders for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) all defended Omar’s freedom of speech. “Anti-Semitism isn’t necessarily the best use of freedom of speech, but it still merits our respect,” Harris said. “My greatest fear is that by officially condemning Rep. Omar we might be putting her at risk of violence.”

While Democrats may be willing to excuse Omar for slandering Jews it remains to be seen whether she will as easily be given a pass for assailing former President Obama as “a murderer for his assassination of suspected terrorists and nearby persons via drone strikes” and “as bad as Trump for putting immigrants in cages.”

House Dems Endorse Illegal Voting

As part of its top priority “For the People Act,” the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives voted 228 to 197 to explicitly endorse local governments that allow illegal immigrants to vote. Federal law currently does not permit non-citizens to vote in federal elections. However, the enforcement of this law is more difficult when state and local election ballots are cast simultaneously.

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) enthusiastically praised the measure, saying “we are prepared to open up the political process and let all of the people come in. ‘Newcomers,’ as Speaker Pelosi has dubbed them, have a human right to vote. Since a majority of these newcomers will need to rely on government welfare programs to receive food, housing, and cash handouts to live they have an abiding interest in selecting who controls the government. This bill implicitly recognizes this human right.”

Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) disagreed: “Letting foreigners into the country with the expectation that they have a right to be supported by American taxpayers effectively forces taxpayers to take in non-paying boarders. Allowing these non-paying boarders to vote for politicians who will continue and expand these burdensome government giveaways is the path to fiscal disaster. It is bad enough that citizens on welfare can vote for programs they make no tax contribution to support. Inviting the millions of foreigners who illegally enter the United States this same right gives too much power to the non-productive to impose never-ending burdens on citizens who work for a living.”

In related news, Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced GOP efforts to include a provision requiring that “newcomers” in the country who illegally try to buy guns be reported to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in her Party’s gun control legislation. “Without the legal right to live here these newcomers have even more need for a gun than the law-abiding segment of the population,” she argued. “They can’t rely on police to protect them without risking being deported. Owning personal firearms are their best means of self-defense.”

Hawaii Dems Call for Repeal of 2nd Amendment

The Hawaii Senate is considering a resolution calling for a repeal of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. The heavily Democrat-dominated body (there is only one Republican and 24 Democrats) will most likely pass the resolution.

Resolution co-sponsor Roz Baker (D-Maui) says “the era when individuals had to have firearms to hunt for food or ward off criminals is long past. In 1789, help could not be easily summoned and once summoned could take hours or more to respond. Today, police can be summoned in seconds and arrive within minutes. There is no longer a need for individual ownership of firearms.”

Co-sponsor Stanley Chang (D-Oahu) contends that “the whole notion that the 2nd Amendment was ever intended to allow individuals to own firearms is erroneous. The Amendment specifies that the right belongs to members of the militia. Allowing individuals to own guns dilutes government control. Owning firearms gives individuals objecting to this control the means to cause disruption and disobedience. The future belongs to collectivism. The armed agents of the law must be free of the fear that opponents have viable means to resist the demands made upon them to cooperate with laws and rules promulgated by duly elected authorities.”

Chang dismissed writer of the phrase “inalienable rights,” Thomas Jefferson’s belief that “no freeman shall ever be debarred the use of arms” and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s ruling that “the 2nd Amendment protects an individual right to possess a firearm,” as “clearly wrong. In any case, we have the means to correct their errors by repealing that Amendment.”

DNC Bars Fox News from Covering Debates

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it will not allow Fox News to host any of the 2020 presidential election debates. DNC Chairman Tom Perez cited “the network’s hostility toward our Party’s positions and policies. It would be unfair for our candidates to have to answer questions from our political enemies.”

President Trump was quick to mock the DNC’s decision. “I guess the Democratic candidates need a host that will give them the questions in advance. They have so little confidence in their ability to explain their crazy ideas to the American people that they want a reliable CNN or MSNBC to help them avoid being honest on the issues of the day.”

Perez rebuffed Trump’s mockery, saying that “some individuals and some ideas don’t merit a public airing. Trump is one of those individuals whose ideas are so poisonous that our society has a moral duty not to hear him out. We can’t let the Republicans lean on the crutch of freedom of speech to hypnotize naive voters. The Democratic Party will always take a stand for protecting these voters from the GOP’s siren song of individualism and personal freedom. We all need to stand together for the collective well-being of all. Progressives are the only ones in sync with this vital mission. The time has come to pull together a plan of how to proceed. We don’t have the time to waste listening to those who reject this mission.”

Meanwhile, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to clarify her “not running” statement. “I still want to be president,” she reminded everyone. “I think my record of public service adequately demonstrates that I still deserve to be president. But I don’t think it would be fair for me to have to jump through all the hoops that those less qualified will have to do to try to win over voters. I just want America to know that I am available to step in when the dwarfs that have lately come into the race have flamed out.”

Accused Killer Wants Change in Venue

Cristhian Rivera, the illegal alien on trial for murdering University of Iowa student Mollie Tibbetts in August of last year, has asked for a change of venue. He claims that the likely jury pool won’t constitute a “jury of my peers.”

“How can a jury of white corn farmers fairly assess the fate of a Latino immigrant?” he asks. “They don’t know what it is like to trek hundreds of miles to secretly cross the border. They don’t know what it is like to work at menial jobs for low wages? They don’t know how difficult it is for a young man with strong romantic urges, but of limited English speaking skills, to meet and woo girls.”

Rivera proposes that “a jury comprised of other immigrants from south of the border would provide a more peer like panel. Maybe some of the rapists and murderers currently being detained by ICE could more productively spend their time sitting on my case than locked up in cells.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Apologizes for Calling VP Pence ‘Decent’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Caving to left-wing criticism, former Vice-President Joe Biden apologized for calling current Vice-President Mike Pence “a decent guy.” The criticism focused on two key complaints. First, actress and former Democratic candidate for New York governor Cynthia Nixon cited Pence’s Christian objections to gay marriage, claiming that “opposition to the LBGT agenda is per se indecent.”

Nixon suggested that “we also look at all the photos of Biden groping people. In almost every instance the ones he’s laid his hands on are female and many are underage. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Biden is a mainstream sexual harasser and part-time pedophile.”

Second, Nixon reminded Biden that “Pence is a Republican and, worse, a Trump supporter. That marks him for political extinction in the name of social justice. To think that a man who aspires to be the Democratic nominee for president in the 2020 election would have kind words for any Republican is shameful.”

Biden tried to clarify his remarks by pointing out that “I was just trying to be polite and civil. Mike has never said or done anything indecent to me. I thought that since we’ve both had to trod similar ground as VPs there might be a common bond that goes beyond some of our differences. But I now realize that treating a political opponent as a friend undermines the narrative the Democratic Party is striving to communicate to voters. There can be no civility toward Republicans. They must be driven out of government and out of all public spaces if we are to fully implement the progressive transformation of America.”

Moderate Dems Threatened

This week, 26 moderate Democrats joined Republicans in voting for an amendment to the House’s bill requiring background checks for all firearms transactions—including those between family members. Since it is against the law for persons in the country illegally to possess firearms, the GOP amendment added a clause requiring gun sellers to notify ICE whenever such a purchase is attempted.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was outraged “at this betrayal of the socialist future we are trying to bring to this country. If we are going to overcome the constitutional and traditional barriers to gun confiscation in America we must have Party solidarity in Congress. In situations like this I always ask myself what would Lenin have done. Well, an example of Leninism in action can be seen in Venezuela where the rightful president is facing widespread disobedience from his citizens. Imagine how much worse it would be for him if he had not had the foresight to confiscate his people’s guns. The socialism he has gifted to his country could be undermined by armed resistance. If we are to avert potential armed resistance to socialism in the United States we must be as wise as President Maduro has been.”

“For now, this means every Democrat must do his or her duty to support the Party,” she added. “Those who don’t will face primary opposition from Democrats loyal to the cause. The Party doesn’t need moderates. Moderation in pursuit of social justice is no virtue and extremism in pursuit of social justice is no vice.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was doubly outraged. “I am the leader of the Democrats in Congress,” she said. “I give the marching orders to our Party’s representatives. Their obligation is to obey. This goes for the renegades who voted with the Republicans for the amendment and the upstart freshman member who tries to usurp my prerogatives.”

While Pelosi wasn’t as blatant as Ocasio-Cortez in her threats against those who have defied her authority, she did suggest that nonconforming Democrats should not expect to receive financial support for their reelection from the Democratic National Committee. “If these Democrats want to break ranks with me they can fund their own campaigns,” the Speaker asserted. Ironically, the denial of DNC funding to the moderate Democrats will boost Ocasio-Cortez’s lunatic minions’ chances of success in unseating them in Democratic primaries and further augment the influence of this obstreperous upstart.

In other Ocasio-Cortez news, the Congresswoman was recently spied eating a hamburger in public. Readers may recall, that her Green New Deal calls for the elimination of farting cows. Rather than being a hypocrite, she insisted that “those of us in government have got to keep up our strength. Eating the cows is one way of getting the protein we need while simultaneously removing them from the environment one bite at a time.”

Rep. Omar Says Trump Unfairly Undermining Maduro

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) defended Venezuelan President Maduro’s order for troops to fire on humanitarian aid workers trying to delivery food to the nation’s starving inhabitants. “This food aid has not been approved by the legitimate government authorities,” Omar pointed out. “It is a totally ad hoc effort that is undermining the Maduro regime’s attempts to rally his people against the Yankee imperialism that is the root cause of the crisis in Venezuela.”

“Venezuela used to be able to count on oil revenue to finance the country’s transition to socialism,” Omar maintained. “But under Trump’s radical deregulation policy the United States has now become the world’s largest crude oil producer. The collapse of demand for petroleum imports to the United States has led to oil prices drastically declining over the past two years and devastated Maduro’s revenues and plans.”

“The argument that a free market economy would avert the starvation seeks to impose an ideology that the Venezuelan Government has steadfastly rejected as exploitative,” she argued. “Maduro doesn’t want his people to be motivated by greed. He wants them to fulfill their social obligations to the collective state. It is their shirking of these obligations that has led to the food shortages that Maduro is trying to use to chastise them into obedience. The so-called humanitarian aid is aimed at thwarting this chastisement. Using force to prevent the food from reaching Venezuela’s disobedient citizens is within Maduro’s right to rule his country as he sees fit.”

California Dem’s Bill Would Outlaw High School Animal Dissections

California Assemblyman Ash Kalra (D-San Jose) has introduced a bill that would ban high school biology classes from dissecting animals as part of their learning about anatomy. Kalra says that “the current law allowing students with moral objections to opt out of the dissection lesson is unsatisfactory. For one, it still allows the callous exploitation of animals to go forward. Second, it allows students without moral scruples to receive a more complete education than their morally superior peers.”

“The whole premise of these dissections is founded on an unwarranted notion that humans are more important than other creatures,” Kalra observed. “Well, to me that’s immoral. If the knowledge gained from dissecting frogs is what it takes to educate better doctors or scientists I say it’s time we ditch our elitist pretensions. If we’re objective about it we’ll admit that human lives aren’t really any more valuable than those of frogs. Would the 60 million abortions performed in this country since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision have taken place if we thought human life was somehow special? In contrast, there are no known cases of frogs aborting their offspring.”

The Assemblyman said he would be willing to allow dissections of aborted human fetuses instead of animals. “The aborted human specimen can be used without affronting logical thinking,” he contended. “It is rejected biological tissue. It is also more a more appropriate specimen for students aspiring to go into medicine. So rather than continue to violate the rights of innocent animals why not make use of cast off human remains as the foundation of our high school biology instruction?”

Senator Says Lining up to Buy Food a “Good Thing”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) boldly countered assertions that socialism would lead to food shortages, rationing, and long lines for those trying to get food by contending that “contrary to capitalist propaganda, making people stand in line to buy food is a good thing. Let’s examine the facts.”

“Can anyone rationally dispute the reality that in the United States a distressingly large proportion of the population is morbidly obese?” Sanders asked. “The ease with which food can be obtained is the main reason for this health crisis. If food were scarcer and more expensive people wouldn’t be able to get fat. The amount of money each person would have under socialism would be low enough to force him or her to be more selective. The time-consuming procedure of requiring food seekers to wait in line would also tend to work against obesity. There just wouldn’t be enough time in the day to stand in all the various lines for bread, meat, etc. for anyone to get all the food he or she wants even if they could afford it.”

“The ancillary benefits of the queuing process would also contribute to a healthier population,” the Senator added. “Standing is healthier than sitting. And since the majority of those in line would be outdoors they’d get more fresh air and sunshine. There’ would also be more opportunities to chat with fellow citizens while waiting in line. This would combat the loneliness that currently plagues America where isolated individuals can drive to pick up fast food, take it home and watch TV alone. So, when we seriously look into the dynamics I think we can all agree that the food lines that have characterized socialist societies around the world are, on balance, a net plus for the human condition.”

In related news, the presidential contender announced that he would be releasing his tax returns “at some point,” but doubted people would find them very interesting. “I myself have no idea what’s in those documents. I’m a complete putz when it comes to numbers. Between the deductions on the three homes, the incomprehensible-to-me revenues from various well-wishers, and the opaque IRS instructions I’m lost. Luckily my wife handles all our finances. So, if there are any mistakes it’s not my fault.”

Anti-Infanticide Bill Fails in Senate

This week, the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act was blocked in the US Senate. While a 53-44 majority voted for the measure, the bill failed to garner the 60 votes required by Senate rules and did not advance to an actual vote. If enacted, the measure would require that doctors render aid to any baby that survives an abortion procedure and impose penalties for failure to provide life-saving assistance.

All the Democratic senators who have already announced their intention to run for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination—Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Amy Klobuchar (Minn), and Elizabeth Warren (Mass)–voted against providing aid to abortion survivors.

Sen. Harris explained that “the mother’s decision to have an abortion is her inalienable right. Inasmuch as late term abortions typically are achieved either by tearing the fetus apart limb-by-limb or burning it to death with acidic chemicals, a child who survives that is clearly a medical error. We cannot, in good conscience, allow such an error to trample a woman’s inalienable right to dispose of her unwanted offspring.”

A curious Sen. Booker wanted to know “why are Republicans so hung up on an artificial distinction between before and after birth? If it’s okay to kill the entity before it comes out of the womb, why wouldn’t it be okay to complete the termination afterward? Besides, I think they’re getting all worked up over an extremely rare event. More Americans die after being shot than die after surviving an attempt to end their existence via an abortion. Why isn’t this greater carnage moving the GOP to support gun control?”

Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ) reminded Sen. Booker that “nowhere near 60 million people have been shot to death since Roe v. Wade. If my fellow legislator wants to measure the blood that’s been spilled, how can he overlook the fact that abortion has killed more Americans than all our wars combined. This is the greater carnage that the Pro-Life Caucus is trying to end.”

The blame for the failure to make this small dent in the wave of murder that is massacring a million babies a year does not all belong to the Democrats. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ken) dedication to preserving the Senate’s “elegant tradition of unlimited debate” allowed the minority opposed to the legislation to block a vote on the measure, which likely would have passed. Historically, McConnell’s “elegant tradition” has mostly been used to block legislation that would have repealed Jim Crow laws that have discriminated against Blacks in some parts of the country. Why maintaining this tradition should be more important than saving the lives of abortion survivors remains a mystery.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.