Brennan Defends Conspiracy Against Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former CIA Director John Brennan rebutted President Trump’s characterization of the actions of a deep-state cabal to try to prevent his election and undermine his presidency as “an attempted coup.”

“Trump has it exactly backwards,” Brennan argued. “It was Trump’s exploitation of a flaw in the Constitution that allowed him to sneak into the White House despite losing the popular vote to Sec. Clinton that was the real coup. Those of us working to prevent the real coup are the real heroes in this story.”

“The ascension of a former secretary of state to the office of president has historical precedent,” Brennan observed. “The attempt to install an unproven private businessman into this important office is the outlier. When President Obama called on the intelligence community to save the nation from this threat all of us—myself, James Clapper, James Comey and a crew of dedicated patriots rose to the occasion. My only regret is that we have not yet been successful in achieving our objective.”

The former CIA Chief remains optimistic that “we can still work with Congress to oust this unqualified interloper. There is nothing to stop the Democratically controlled House from voting to impeach. And the FBI has tons of compromising material on so many members of the Senate that could still be used to persuade enough Republicans to vote to convict and remove Trump from office.”

Sens. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Homeland Security Committee chair Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) were undaunted by Brennan’s thinly veiled threat and called for an investigation of “the trail of evidence indicating widespread and improper surveillance activities of candidate and President Trump by the FBI and others within the intelligence community.”

In related news, seeking to distance himself from Brennan’s “crew of patriots,” U.S. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein criticized Obama’s “misuse of intelligence assets for political purposes” and blasted former FBI Director Comey for “illegally leaking classified documents to the media.” He also predicted that “the wire I wore while pretending to be a co-conspirator collected information that will prove very useful in future prosecution of these criminals.”

Biden Jumps into Race for Dem Nomination

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden announced “I am making myself available for voters to elect me the next president of the United States.” Anxious to appeal to his party’s lunatic caucus, Biden unleashed an epic gaffe fest.

First among many bloopers, Biden asserted that “Trump is the worst thing to happen to the world in my lifetime.” Well, World War II was in full swing in 1942 when Biden was born. Fifty million people died in that war. This was followed by several other wars in Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq in which hundreds of thousands were killed. Biden’s lifespan has also encompassed the nuclear standoff of the Cuban missile crisis, the assassination of the Kennedys, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, DC. Surely, at least one of these events has to be worse than the rising incomes and record low unemployment inflicted on Americans by Trump’s economic policies.

Biden lurched from his “worst thing” claim to a recasting of Hillary Clinton’s dismissal of Trump voters as “deplorables” to his own characterization of them as “the dregs of society. These are people who are so selfish that they object to paying higher taxes to cover the living expenses of the flood of newcomers crossing into this country yearning to eat free. We need these people to help elect Democrats who will continue the transformation of America promised by President Obama.”

The ex-Veep went on to praise Antifa for “having the courage to fight for progressive ideals in our country. What the Republicans contend is unwarranted violence against innocent individuals is, in reality, focused force meant to instill a redistribution of wealth from those who have earned it to those who need it. Hopefully, the beatings, arson, and vandalism that have been necessitated by some people’s continued resistance to social change will abate when their acquiescence becomes the norm.”

The person most disappointed by Biden entering the competition for the 2020 presidential election is Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ). “I was hoping that he would designate me this generation’s ‘clean, articulate, and good looking guy,’” Booker lamented. “Maybe it’s my own fault. I’ve already committed to a female running mate. So I can’t pay Joe back like Obama did. But a possible win-win scenario might be for Joe to identify as female. Having a transgender running mate would be even better for me and it might neutralize the groping, nuzzling, and sniffing concerns about Joe since it would just be girl-on-girl action.”

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney reacted to President Trump’s complaint that “if you’d hit Obama as hard as you hit me, you might have been president” by pointing out that “Obama was a clean, articulate and good looking guy. You’re not.”

Hillary Advises Dems on Impeachment

Defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged Democrats to press ahead with impeachment hearings, reminding them that “unlike court proceedings, impeachment hearings aren’t restricted by judicial rules of evidence. There doesn’t have to be an actual crime to impeach Trump. Congress, itself, is the sole judge of whether to go forward and how to conduct the removal process.”

“In this process, members of Congress are constitutionally immune from any repercussions for any slander they may utter while in session,” Clinton continued. “They can level any accusations they want, the more lurid, the better. Congress can deny any cross examination of its witnesses by the Republicans. There is no judge to block statements as irrelevant, incompetent, and immaterial.”

“Afterwards, the media will hype the accusations emphasizing the seriousness of the charges to a gullible TV audience,” Clinton added. “The incessant drumbeat of this message day-after-day leading up to the November 2020 elections will drown out any other issue that the GOP might try to use to persuade voters to reelect Trump. Or better still, the negative energy pouring forth from the unending attacks may prompt Trump to resign like Nixon did under a similar barrage in 1974.”

Prison Inmates Have Right to Vote

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) vehemently insisted that “our democracy entitles every person to cast a vote. Just because a person is in jail convicted of murder or rape shouldn’t block him from having a voice in selecting who shall govern.”

“We need to be both open-minded and true to the democratic ideal no matter how disappointed we might be in the behavior of some of our fellow citizens,” Sanders maintained. “I realize that opposition to murder and rape is the majority opinion in the United States, but the minority still has a right to fight for a different perspective. Also, it is apparent to me that in some parts of the world the murder and rape of segments of the population who are deemed outside of acceptable norms has broad support among the majority of the population in some countries.”

“So, in my opinion, if we’re going to have democracy it must be open to all ideas,” the Senator opined. “If we start imposing behavioral restrictions that decree certain kinds of actions are so terrible that the individual who has carried out these actions cannot participate as a voter, then we are no longer a democracy.”

NYC Takes Steps to Undo Civilization

Fearful that today’s modern lifestyle places too much burden on the Earth’s environment, Mayor Bill deBlasio is spearheading what he terms an aggressive “advance to the past” policy. The approach is two-pronged. Key areas for reform are to include housing and diet.

On the housing front, the Mayor pledges to ban high-rise buildings. “Skyscrapers are inefficient and contribute to global warming,” he asserted. “If we look at the cost per square foot they are much more expensive than single-story buildings. So, clearly we need to go back to living closer to the ground.”

“As an initial step, we will be rezoning the bulk of the City to encourage more Earth-friendly forms of construction,” deBlasio said. “Instead of steel and concrete we will be favoring ‘daub and wattle’ or adobe brick construction. These more natural building materials don’t require blast furnaces to produce. Ordinary people can harvest the mud from the waterways surrounding much of the City and carry out the actual construction themselves.”

On the diet front, the Mayor aims to eliminate the hot dog from New Yorkers’ menus. “We all know that processed meats are unhealthy,” deBlasio pointed out. “Why should we allow people to eat them if we have the power to prevent it? A healthier and more environmentally beneficial alternative would be for the daub and wattle dwellers to catch and eat the millions of rats that infest our town. They’d be simultaneously exterminating a pest and enjoying the advantages of consuming an organically raised source of protein.”

“To help popularize this intended dietary change, the annual Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest could be replaced by a rat-eating contest,” the Mayor suggested. “In many parts of the world rodents are a part of the normal food intake. I’m sure there are many tasty ways of preparing this food.”

Critics have argued that rats consume a lot of insects and garbage. DeBlasio was undeterred by this possibility. “People could eat the insects and a lot of the so-called garbage could be recycled for human consumption, just like in Venezuela” he imagined. “We can’t allow squeamishness to divert us from undertaking actions needed to save the planet from global warming.”

NJ Guv Pushes to Disarm Law-Abiding

New Jersey Gov. Philip Murphy (D) is pushing a plan to raise the cost of legally owning a firearm in his state. Under his proposed legislation, the fee for obtaining a concealed carry permit would be boosted from its current $20 to $400. Murphy claims this will make the state a safer place.

“The idea that a citizen should be armed as a form of self-defense is seriously flawed,” Murphy said. “In the typical confrontation with an armed criminal he already has his weapon pointed at you. Any attempt to resist his demands is not likely to go well for you. You are better off being unarmed. You will avoid a shootout and he may let you live.”

“Even if you have a reasonable chance to draw your weapon, the criminal is likely more experienced than you are when it comes to shooting people,” the Governor went on. “I mean, honestly ask yourself whether you have enough confidence to go up against a more skilled gunman. On top of this there is the possibility that bystanders could be hit. Would you want to initiate a hostile response that could endanger others? Even if you’re careful about not injuring bystanders, do you think your assailant shares the same level of concern?”

“Ideally, all personal gun ownership should be outlawed,” Murphy envisioned. “Then only outlaws would have guns and the police could simply shoot them on sight. That would be the best of all possible worlds.”

In related news, presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vows to implement gun confiscation by Executive Order if Congress fails to enact legislation toward this end within 100 days of her inauguration.

Dem Offers Alternative to Abortion

Illinois state Rep. Dianne Pappas (D-Itasca) offered what she says would be “the ultimate solution for ending abortions—castrating all men. All these pro-lifers who fret over the termination of unwanted children through abortion or euthanasia after birth could easily avert this so-called horror if they would agree with my ‘plan B.’”

“Do they have the balls to step up to the plate and take the step necessary to eliminate all future need for the abortion procedure?” Pappas wanted to know. “I suppose there’d be prattle about how we would propagate the human race if all men were castrated. But is propagating the human race really necessary?”

“You know, many ethnobiologists argue that the planet would be better off if humans went extinct,” Pappas pointed out. “If, for the sake of argument, we assume that the human race should not go extinct, I believe science has the means to reproduce humans without resorting to the primitive and risky method of sexual intercourse. Even in a worst case scenario, if we have to have men involved in the process, their sperm could be harvested before castration and stored for future use if needed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

In Defense of Liberty

By Victor Riches, The Goldwater Institute
April 18, 2019

Way too many of today’s college students have an alarmingly deficient understanding of the U.S. Constitution. This is particularly true of the First Amendment. Rather than appreciate the inherent beauty and value of free speech, including speech they find disagreeable, many students think they should be perennially shielded from dissenting opinions. Some go so far as to shout down speakers and even resort to violence in order to avoid being subjected to new ideas, much like a baby being weaned off its bottle. However, all is not lost. A recent incident at the University of Arizona shows that there is still hope in the effort to defend the First Amendment.

Until this week, the storyline has largely been the same. Right-leaning speaker is invited to college campus. Student protestors shout the speaker down, depriving him or her of their freedom of speech. University administrators cower. Student protestors face no consequences. Ideas are not heard, public debate is squelched, and the First Amendment is weakened.

One of the most egregious examples occurred in March 2017 at Vermont’s Middlebury College. Charles Murray, a well-known political scientist, was invited by a conservative student group to speak on campus. Rather than listen to his lecture before forming an opinion, more than 100 students instead opted to shout down Murray, pulled fire alarms to stop his speech and violently pushed Murray and his faculty interviewer, causing her to suffer a concussion. The consequences for this violent silencing of speech? A slap on the wrist for 67 students. At the University of Michigan, a debate on Black Lives Matter was effectively shut down when 100 protesters forced their way into the already-at-capacity room, shouting obscenity-laced tirades. And on the other side of the country, UC Berkeley canceled a talkby political provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos following riots by “150 masked agitators,” giving in to the anti-speech activists.

Kowtowing to the mob and denying free speech is never the appropriate course of action. After all, universities exist in large part to prepare young adults for the “real world” – a world of work, bills, responsibilities and, of course, disagreements. When university administrators and faculty cater to the juvenile desire to not have to hear words with which one disagrees, they are doing a monumental disservice to the students themselves as well as the taxpayers who will soon be employing those very same students.

Fortunately, common sense can still prevail on campus. For example, University of Arizona students recently invited two border-patrol agents to speak at a Career Day presentation about their careers in law enforcement. A group of students who claimed to be offended by the agents’ presence set out to disrupt the event and began yelling low-brow insults such as “murderers,” the “murder patrol,” and an “extension of the KKK.” Several protesters even followed the agents to their cars, continuing the chant of “murder patrol” and “We won’t stop until you get off our campus.” The protestors succeeded in thwarting speech. (Stanley Kurtz details the event at National Review Online here.)

What happened next, however, just might be a turning point in today’s campus free speech crisis, as Kurtz explains. “Instead of rolling over, UA campus police filed criminal misdemeanor charges of ‘interference with the peaceful conduct of an educational institution’ against three of the students, while a third was also charged with “threats and intimidation.” UA President Robert Robbins also took a strong stand for the First Amendment by saying, “Student protest is protected by our support for free speech but disruption is not.”

The U of A followed campus free speech legislation developed by the Goldwater Institute and passed into law last year. Our measure is simple: it ensures free expression at public universities and establishes consequences for those individuals who forcibly inhibit the free speech rights of others. Just like in the real world.

It is this defense of free speech by the U of A that could help turn the tide back in favor of the preservation of First Amendment freedoms on college campuses. But if not, if other universities continue to cave to the whims of anti-free speech zealots, the value of our universities as institutions of higher learning will surely die a slow death. And the constitutional rights we all hold so dear will diminish with them.

Victor Riches is President and CEO of the Goldwater Institute.

Swalwell Defends Secret Surveillance of Trump

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that the lengthy and expensive Mueller investigation has failed to find any evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) still defends the original Obama Administration decision to initiate a covert surveillance of the Trump campaign.

“I know a lot of people think it was wrong for a sitting president to use federal government resources to spy on an opposing political party,” Swalwell acknowledged. “But President Obama swore an oath to protect this country from all enemies—both foreign and domestic. Since Trump is an outsider who has not come up through the ranks of American politics the traditional vetting that assures a candidate fits within the parameters of acceptable ideology did not occur. Under such circumstances, mobilizing the considerable resources available to our intelligence community to spy on Trump was the only reasonable choice.”

The Congressman brushed off concerns that using these resources against a political opponent during a campaign unfairly interferes in the electoral contest, saying “sure there are some risks, but these are unavoidable given the importance of ensuring that our system isn’t unnecessarily disrupted. At worst, it could have tilted the election in favor of the Democratic candidate. However, that candidate was described as ‘the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency’ by President Obama. Under those circumstances, I think the actions taken to spy on Trump were well worth it.”

In related news, the Swalwell 2020 campaign for the presidency unveiled a new interpretation of the 2nd Amendment that would incarcerate individuals who won’t surrender their guns. “The Constitution says the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but it doesn’t say we can’t require that this right be exercised only within secure areas,” Swalwell argued. “If you want to tote a gun do it behind bars. This way we can keep the streets safe while simultaneously giving the violence-prone among us the opportunity to confine their murderous proclivities to others of the same ilk.”

Dems Ponder Next Steps in Effort to Oust Trump

The absence of a “smoking gun” in the just completed Mueller investigation has Democrats pondering their next move in their efforts to remove Trump from office. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) has called a strategy meeting for early next week “to consider where we go from here.”

“Many in our caucus are not deterred by the lack of evidence that Trump broke any laws,” Pelosi said. “The lack of evidence suggests that Trump was successful in obstructing the investigation. Think about it. Polls show that the majority of Democrats think he is guilty. This is our constituency. Should we not represent their views as we go forward?”

“Then too, given all the pressure put on Trump by the media and the intelligence community, his refusal to confess strikes many as highly suspicious,” the Speaker added. “A normal president would have yielded to tidal wave of negative opinion and stepped aside for the good of the country, like Nixon did. That Trump has not yet done this testifies to his abnormality. This, by itself, would seem sufficient grounds for removing him under the provisions of the 25th Amendment, as Deputy Attorney Rod Rosenstein contemplated in early 2017.”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) has already drafted a resolution calling for impeachment. “The hundreds of times that Trump has called the Mueller investigation a ‘witch hunt’ and his repeated assertions of innocence demonstrate his guilt,” she claims. “Honest people admit their guilt when called upon to do so by the nation’s police force. Only criminals deny responsibility for heinous acts against the state.”

Nadler Rejects Opportunity to View Full Mueller Report

House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) rejected Attorney General William Barr’s offer to view an unredacted copy of the Mueller report, complaining that “we need complete unfettered access in order to properly handle the content of this document.”

“Barr’s invitation to allow me and other key Democrats to read, but not carry away our own copy obstructs our efforts to secure justice for America on this matter,” Nadler objected. “The idea that we should be content to read the document while under the scrutiny of armed guards is insulting. It’s as if he’s afraid we’ll stuff pages into our pants if we’re granted the privilege of privately viewing the report.”

The possibility that Democrats might not be trustworthy when handling confidential information has been born out by the illegal selective leaking of classified information by former FBI Director James Comey over the last two years. There is also the incident where former Clinton adviser Sandy Berger actually did abscond with classified documents stuffed inside his clothes back in 2003 when he was allowed to read them unsupervised in a National Archives secure room.

Apprised of the Berger incident, Nadler reminded that “Berger was only fined $50,000 and sentenced to 100 hours of community service as punishment. If stealing classified documents were such a serious offense he wouldn’t have been treated so leniently. More recently, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was excused by Obama FBI Director James Comey for mishandling classified data and destroying subpoenaed evidence. All we are seeking is a comparable degree of latitude—the kind that persons in our high positions within the government are entitled to receive.”

Cultural Evolution Around America

In Chicago, a mob of hundreds of black inhabitants rampaged through the city’s Magnificent Mile high-end shopping district looting stores, vandalizing buildings, assaulting white people, defying police, stopping traffic, threatening tourists and creating chaos. A participant explained “we’re just taking a first down payment on the reparations owed us. White men enslaved, whipped, and murdered black men. What we’re doing here is peanuts in comparison.” Former head of the local teachers’ union Karen Lewis echoed these remarks, saying “blacks are taking back what the whites stole from them.”

In California, the Brea Olinda Unified School District is now teaching ninth-grade students about pedophilia and pederasty. Assistant Superintendent of Curricula Kerrie Torres insists “it is important that our students be exposed to all the sexual orientation options. They should know that there is more to sex than just boy-meets-girl. There is also man-meets-child. This way students can each make an informed choice on how they wish to express their own sexuality.”

In North Carolina, Gov. Roy Cooper (D) vetoed a “born alive” bill that would have required doctors to provide life-saving aid to babies who survive an attempted abortion. As Cooper sees it, “an abortion is only undertaken for the purpose of ensuring the baby’s death. A botched procedure doesn’t alter the fact that the mother wants her child to die. If a man sentenced to hang survives because the rope breaks we don’t set him free. We hang him again. Likewise, if through some fluke a baby survives being torn limb-from-limb in the womb this shouldn’t impede the job being finished outside the womb. This bill unconstitutionally infringes upon a woman’s unalienable right to permanently dispose of her unwanted offspring.”

Stalin Rises in Polls

A recent poll showing that 70 percent of Russians approve of former dictator Josef Stalin’s role in history was warmly greeted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) as “proof that socialism is the type of government that the people want. If he were the kind of brutal tyrant that the enemies of socialism claim he was why do the people love him so much?”

“A majority of Russians now believe that the millions of people he had tortured and killed was justified,” the Congresswoman also pointed out. “He was trying to save his nation from individualistic greed and transform it into a collectivist society where the good of the whole was placed above all other values. That is precisely what I’m trying to do with my Green New Deal. That ‘life, liberty and pursuit of happiness’ crap may have been suitable for the white-privilege dandies who wrote the Constitution, but it is not the vision the young people of today want for their future.”

“If we thoughtfully reexamine Stalin’s policies we can see the positive impacts they had on global warming,” Ocasio-Cortez contended. “The famine he skillfully engineered in the Ukraine decreased the greenhouse gas emissions from millions of people and livestock. The spartan living conditions that naturally flowed from his abolition of capitalistic exploitation helped Russians to learn to get by with less—less food, less housing, and less freedom. These are the kind of changes the whole world must strive for if we want to save the planet.”

Fellow socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) took the occasion of the release of the polling results to remind everyone that “I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union before its lurch toward capitalism after the collapse of the dictatorship. I was socialist before it was cool. Now that it is becoming cool among our millenials I hope my early adoption of collectivist ideals will inspire them to vote for me to be America’s next president.”

New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell (D) professed herself “unsurprised by these poll results. I recently toured Cuba and saw for myself how the formerly hedonistic island was reshaped into a hard-core socialist paradise. Before the revolution Cuba was a typical capitalistic playground for the rich. Now it is a boot camp for the socialist minions of tomorrow. The government health care system and the widespread reliance on manual labor has made the population remarkably fit—enabling thousands of Cubans to paddle all the way to Florida on make-shift rafts and flimsy boats. This is something that fat and lazy Americans could never replicate. I became convinced that we need socialism in America now more than ever. Though there may be a lot of grousing along the way, the rise of Stalin’s polling numbers shows that in the long run voters will be happier if they trade their freedom for the stimulating rigors and comradship of a collectivist society.”

Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana took the rising opinion on Stalin as a cue “to take a careful look at the work camps he established as a possible model for national public service for all young adults. I believe it would instill a great sense of unity among Americans in a fashion similar to the unity Stalin achieved among his people as he fought to survive the capitalist aggressors surrounding his country. If every young person had to toil for a period of time without pay for the good of the nation we would build a stronger sense of belonging to the community than our current policy of leaving them to chart their own destinies in our cruel and insensitive free market.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Proposal to Ship Illegals to Sanctuary Cities Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A Trump Administration proposal to send illegal immigrants to sanctuary cities spurred cries of dismay from Democrats. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) called the idea “cruel and inhumane. Sanctuary cities are already struggling with the difficulties and expense of dealing with the newcomers who have come on their own. Living conditions are degraded, as anyone who has visited San Francisco recently may have discovered. It isn’t fair for the federal government to send us more of these people.”

On the other hand, President Trump argues that “my proposal would more expeditiously get the illegal immigrants to places that vow to protect them from deportation. I would have thought that this idea should be received more positively by the Democrats who oppose taking any actions to reduce the flow of illegal immigration into our country.”

“The whole point of open borders is to bring in the voters who will help transform America into the kind of nation former President Obama envisioned,” Pelosi argued. “For this to be most effective, the immigrants need to be sent to states and congressional districts currently voting for Republicans. That’s the way President Obama handled the catch-and-release program. Trump has no right to change that policy.”

The Speaker expressed confidence that “the courts will block this latest attempt to overthrow the policies of President Obama. On so many policy issues the courts have been ruling that it is illegal for Trump to reverse the policies implemented by the previous administration. The courts have correctly placed the pursuit of good policy ahead of ritualistic adherence to the letter of the law.”

In related news, Pelosi denounced former Obama Administration Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson for agreeing with Trump’s assessment that there is a crisis on the border. “Where is this man’s sense of honor and loyalty?” she asked. “President Obama made him a member of his cabinet. Now he is stabbing his benefactor in the back by siding with the enemy of everything that is good and pure in this country.”

Clinton Relishes Assange Arrest

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested by UK police and is expected to be turned over to US authorities in the near future. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton professed herself “pleased that this international villain will finally get what he deserves for saddling the world with Donald Trump as the US president. His role in invading my privacy and publishing emails that I went to great efforts to conceal sabotaged my assured election as the 45th president of the United States.”

Clinton predicted that Assange’s claim that “the ruled have a right to know what their governments are doing will be struck down in court. Governments act in secret for a good reason. Questioning those reasons—even to the point of inquiring what those reasons are—imperils the odds of success. The safety and security of the masses depends upon the freedom of the government to covertly neutralize threats. People like Assange and Snowden are a clear and present danger that must be interdicted by any means possible. That’s why I urged President Obama to take Assange out with a drone strike on the Ecuadoran Embassy in London.”

In related news, Judicial Watch released 422 pages of FBI emails it received via a Freedom of Information Act request. These emails included discussion of an FBI-run cover-up of Clinton’s illegal handling of classified information. The emails included phrases like “it’s all part of the Hillary cover-up operation,” “Hillary cover up operation work ticket,” and “we’re in deep shit.”

“Spying” Comment Sparks Outrage

During his recent testimony at the Senate Appropriations Committee Attorney General William Barr acknowledged that federal government “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign, that “government spying on political opponents is a big deal,” and “I need to explore that.” Democrats were outraged.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called Barr’s statement “a conspiracy theory” and demanded that he “retract his statement immediately. This is so far wide of the narrative that everyone in the Democratic Party and the media has accepted for the last three years that it cannot be allowed to stand unchallenged.”

Fantasy Vietnam vet, Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) called Barr’s statement “unfounded and irresponsible” and demanded it be retracted. “Saying something that everyone knows is false manifests a mental illness that should disqualify Barr from serving in any capacity. Honesty is an essential requirement for public officials.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) echoed Blumenthal’s take and averred that “Barr has gone off the rails. First of all, covert surveillance of innocent Americans is not spying. Second, this surveillance was authorized by the FISA Court. It is only unauthorized surveillance by private parties that constitutes spying. As long as it is the government that’s doing it it’s perfectly legal.”

Former FBI Director James Comey claims to be “mystified by Barr’s choice of words. Those of us in the intelligence community never refer to what we do as ‘spying.’ We use terms like ‘investigation’ or ‘counter-intelligence operation.’ These less pejorative words convey a more respectable public image. I am not surprised that an outsider like Trump would be ignorant enough to use the word ‘spying,’ but we all thought that a man with the kind of pedigree that Barr has would have know better.”

Meanwhile, the Oxford Dictionary defines “spying on” as “to observe furtively” or “keep under surveillance.” Either of these pretty much describes what the FBI did during the Trump campaign and during the Trump Administration. The FBI also deployed covert agents to try to infiltrate the Trump camp and plant false evidence. So it’s easy to see how the former FBI Director might be confused about Barr’s statement.

Sanders Explains “Medicare for All” Plan

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) hopes his “Medicare for All” plan will win him votes. Currently, Medicare covers only those age 65 and older. Many like it because its strict price controls keep their out-of-pocket costs low. Health care providers make up the losses incurred serving Medicare beneficiaries by charging other patients more. If all are covered by Medicare this offset would no longer be available.

Sanders explained that his plan explicitly outlaws private health insurance “because no one should have the option of seeking more or less coverage than the government decides they need. The notion that individuals should be free to choose what they want to purchase elevates crass individualism above collective solidarity. Experts in health care working for the government have the data and the incentive to choose what’s best for the collective whole. We cannot allow any individual to selfishly opt out.”

In contrast to Canada’s socialized health care, Sanders’ version would seek to interdict travel outside the country for medical care. “True socialized medicine requires that all must receive the care the government has allocated for them,” the Senator emphasized. “If individuals are permitted to purchase health care in other countries those rich enough to afford it will get better care than those too poor to have this option. That’s why my plan mandates that anyone seeking to travel outside our borders will have to first get a government permission slip and attest that the trip is not for the purpose of receiving medical care.”

“If it turns out later that the traveler lied and did, in fact, get medical treatment abroad he or she will be punished on his or her return for false statements on the application for permission to travel,” Sanders said. “So, you see, my plan closes the loopholes that so many other socialized medicine plans have left open.”

The only people that would be exempt from Sanders’ mandatory Medicare for All “would be persons of such overriding importance that the fate of the nation would be endangered should they fall ill,” Sanders allowed. “This would naturally include high-ranking members of the government like the president and vice-president, cabinet officials, and members of congress. These irreplaceable leaders must be saved if at all possible no matter what the cost in terms of dollars.”

Dems’ Bill Pushes Transgender Rights

An amendment (HR 5, the Equality Act) to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 sponsored by 234 Democrats and two Republicans in the House of Representatives would compel schools to allow boys who claim to be girls to participate in girls’ gym classes, play on girls’ interscholastic athletic teams, and use the same locker rooms and showers. Religious schools would not be exempted from this new regulation. It would also require that biologically male criminals who claim to be women to be sent to women’s prisons.

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) hailed the legislation as “the logical next step in our quest to make our laws match the social evolution taking place in society. It is up to each individual to determine his or her own identity. Our bill protects their freedom to make this determination and bars anyone from attempting to impede the exercise of this emerging civil right.”

A merely repugnant aspect of this social evolution is the increasing incidence of biological males easily beating biological females in scholastic sports. A more dangerous aspect arises when men are sent to women’s prisons. Women’s Liberation Front spokeswoman Julia Beck warned that “male rapists will go to women’s prisons.”

Cicilline brushed off this concern saying that “many men are raped by men in men’s prisons. Our bill will help level the playing field and spread the pain over a wider array of the prison population and, I think achieve a greater degree of equality among the incarcerated segment of our nation’s population.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Islamic Activist Defends Attacks on Jews

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour rallied to the defense of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), who has been criticized for mouthing stereotypical tropes about the evil influence of Jewish money in politics.

“Unlike the Nazi’s whose anti-Jewish policies were based on racism, Rep. Omar’s views are firmly founded on Islam’s holy book—the Quran,” Sarsour said. “Long before the deranged Hitler voiced his confused objections to the historic depredations wreaked by Jews, the Prophet Muhammad—peace be upon him—warned the world about them.”

“The charge that Rep. Omar is anti-Semitic is absurd,” Sarsour went on. “Semites are an ethnic group that includes both Arabs and Jews. The Prophet’s warnings were concerned with Jews who opposed the spread of Allah’s one true religion. These are the Jews who are to be fought and killed. Jews who submit, pay the jizya and accept their dhimmi status are to be spared.”

“So, as we can see once we examine the facts, Rep. Omar is not the raving anti-Semite that Jewish apologists would have us believe,” Sarsour observed. “She is quite sensibly following the advice of the Prophet to distinguish between the benign Jews who seek Islam’s protection and the evil Jews who resist the word of Allah. It is these latter Jews who Rep. Omar quite wisely urged must be stripped of their power to impede the success of Islam in its quest for world dominion.”

Dem 2020 Hopefuls Tangle

South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg issued an abject apology for saying “all lives matter” back in 2015. “I was young and naive then,” the Mayor said. “I have since learned that the correct position is that only black lives matter. As a counterpoint, I want to remind voters that I am the only openly gay man in the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. So, I, too, am a member of a protected class that has a long history of oppression in this country. I ask that voters take this into consideration when they evaluate which Democrat should be the next president of the United States.”

Wayne Messam, mayor of Miramar, Fla. and fellow contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination took issue with what he called “my opponent’s efforts to escape blame for his insensitivity. We black people suffered hundreds of years of slavery and second-class citizenship. Mayor Pete and other gay individuals easily avoided similar oppression by keeping their sexual orientation secret. They’ve only come out into the open now that sexual deviancy is widely accepted and encouraged.”

Perhaps feeling pressed by Mayor Pete’s $7 million campaign chest, former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke quickly announced that “I will sign legislation authorizing a committee to study racial reparations for descendants of slaves.”

O’Rourke’s pledge was lampooned as “wimpy” by rival contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif). “I will order reparations by executive decree,” she vowed. “We don’t want the kind of delays that could arise from a commission study or congressional inaction. And we don’t need the complication of johnny-come-lately pseudo victims like Buttigieg or Warren.”

For her part, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted what she termed “inadequate half-measures for repairing the historic wrongs perpetrated by the white man. When I become president all of the land within the United States will be ceded back to its original Native American inhabitants. All other races will either pay rent or be deported back to their ancestors’ country of origin in either Europe or Africa.”

In related news, 2024 Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) admitted that she was “pleasantly surprised by Sen. Warren’s proposal, but it doesn’t go far enough. Sending all the human inhabitants of the western hemisphere back would be the biggest thing we could do to avert the destruction of the planet due to global warning. Humans didn’t originate here. Allowing the non-human biosphere to return to its natural state before it was polluted by humans would be a world-saving event.”

Unemployment Low “Concerning,” Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

“Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession,” she contended. “Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening.”

“The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward,” Pelosi warned. “This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income.”

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi’s “addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production.”

States Assail Trump Admin’s “Edible Lunch” Policy

Six states and the District of Columbia are suing the Trump Administration for its reversal of the Obama-era rules on school lunches. New York Attorney General Letitia James mocked “the scientifically unsound argument that the rules imposed by the prior administration were a failure because so much of the food ended up tossed out by the students.”

“Whether the students eat the food is not the government’s responsibility,” James asserted. “This is still a free country. We can lead each student to a nutritionally balanced meal, but we can’t make him eat it. Even if the food is rejected and thrown away it’s a better outcome than giving in to student preferences. For one, the biggest problem for today’s youth is obesity. If the unpalatable food isn’t eaten we are stilling striking a blow against obesity.”

A second aspect cited in the lawsuit was “the contrasting roll-models represented by First Lady Michelle Obama and President Trump. The nutritionally sound guidelines developed by the First Lady should be compared with the unhealthy eating habits demonstrated by President Trump. His love of fast food and the fast food feast he offered to the college football champions are the path to future health problems.”

Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue defended the Administration’s looser guidelines, saying that “the sort of top-down, one-size-fits-all approach imposed by the Obama Administration is not the American way. The impact of trying to force feed students and watching them reject this kind of regimentation is too negative. Local school authorities can make better judgments than ivory tower bureaucrats. Consider that one of the key objections in this lawsuit is that some local schools have been allowing students to choose 2% chocolate milk instead of the Obama Administration dictate that chocolate would only be allowed for fat-free milk. They are making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Chicago Demands $130,000 from Smollett

In the wake of State Attorney Kim Foxx’s decision to drop all charges against Jussie Smollett and expunge his record, Chicago city officials have threatened to file a civil lawsuit demanding that he reimburse the city for the $130,000 in expenses incurred investigating his hate crime hoax. Smollett’s attorney Mark Geragos called the demand for money “extortion.”

“Since the charges have been dismissed and the record expunged it’s as if the alleged hoax never happened,” Geragos said. “Under the law, Jussie is now as innocent as a baby. The City’s demand that he pay them is extortion and defamation of his character. If anyone needs to make restitution it is the City. The police’s failure to protect Jussie from the thugs who attacked him was a dereliction of duty. They should be paying him for the mental suffering he has had to endure on the inadequately patrolled and unsafe streets of the high-crime community that the police have allowed to run rampant.”

Geragos also hinted that “the City may have a lot more to fear from pursuing this extortion plot than my client does. I advise them to rethink whether they want to testify under oath regarding the performance of the police department. It is they who diverted resources away from efforts to deter and investigate the multiple murders that occurred while they were wasting time harassing an innocent man. Are they sure they want increased scrutiny focused on such a foolish and possibly corrupt decision?”

“Mr. Smollett is not some inconsequential average Joe,” Geragos reminded. “He is a celebrity and has powerful friends who have already intervened on his behalf and won’t hesitate to come to his aid should the City forego its opportunity to back off before anyone gets hurt.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.