Kerry Hails Iran’s Seizures in Gulf

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While much of the world seems to regard Iran’s seizing of ships near the Straits of Hormuz as”troubling,” former US Secretary of State John Kerry called these actions “gratifying. I’ve been advising the government of Iran to stand up against Trump’s bullying for more than two years. I’m glad to see they’re finally doing so.”

Kerry brushed aside accusations that his actions might be construed as treason, contending that “since we are not currently at war with Iran they are not our enemies, therefore, the aid I’ve given them doesn’t meet the Constitution’s definition of treason. As a citizen of the world, it is my right to choose my own friends. I see nothing wrong with helping out those friends in a time of need.”

Merkel Praises “Squad”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel criticized President Trump’s recent tweets about the four female congresswomen known as the “Squad,” calling his perspective “short-sighted.”

“What President Trump is trying to do is a futile attempt to prevent the future from happening,” Merkel said. “Anyone who has a brain has to be aware of the fact that Islam is the wave of the future. In accord with this reality, I’ve overseen the immigration of nearly two million Muslims into Germany since I’ve been chancellor. These fierce and fertile people will restore Germany to its rightful place on the continent and in the world.”

“Trump’s complaint that the women he criticized are anti-Semitic, socialistic, and anti-American assumes that these are negative attributes,” Merkel continued. “However, these were the same attributes that Germany had in the 1940s when our outnumbered forces almost conquered the world. Instead of resisting the future, the American President should be joining forces with the eventual victors in a global Muslim caliphate.”

Meanwhile, across the border in Denmark, Muslim refugees are threatening to leave the country if the government doesn’t restore their welfare benefits to the previous levels. Citing budgetary constraints, the government has slashed welfare for free housing and food by 50%. Merkel has offered to “take any Muslims who wish to leave Denmark. All we ask is that they bear the children that our native Germans refuse to bear,” and cited “the very successful policies of the 1930s that helped boost birth rates across Germany” to bolster her case.

Sanders Campaign in Pay Squabble

Though he has long been an advocate for a nationwide $15/hour minimum wage, presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) pays some of his campaign workers less than this amount. These workers have unionized and are threatening to strike if they don’t get a raise.

Campaign manager Faiz Shakir tried to explain “we can’t afford to meet this wage standard under current conditions. We don’t have the resources needed to pay this much. What we are asking our supporters to do is make a temporary sacrifice for the cause.” These sacrifices include 12-hour workdays and 6-day workweeks at less than minimum wage.

Sanders tried to quell his restive staff by emphasizing “the urgency of our quest to transform America from a capitalistic hellhole into a socialist utopia. Unlike capitalists who exploit workers for profit, we are asking our workers to voluntarily put aside their own financial interests in order to aid the revolution. Those who stood with Lenin didn’t do it out of love for money. They did it to try to change the world and they succeeded.”

“I am not totally inflexible on this issue,” Sanders added. “If every candidate agrees to a $15/hour minimum we will too. But we can’t abide the disadvantage of more quickly running through our available funds while the others are free to exploit their workers. We’re not a small business whose inability to survive at a higher wage is no great loss. We are the vanguard of a social movement that must survive for the sake of humanity.”

Dems Mull Strategies for Beating Trump

As polls continue to show higher levels of approval for President Trump’s job performance, those desperate to unseat him are groping for ideas on how to accomplish this objective.

Igor Volsky, Executive Director of Guns Down America and a former Vice President of the Center for American Progress, called for venues “to refuse to rent out the arenas and stadiums that Trump likes to use for his rallies. If there’s nowhere for him to hold his rallies, there won’t be any rallies. Without rallies he won’t be able to reach voters. Social media stands ready to block his tweets. Mass media controls the narrative. We have the means to silence this racist. If we don’t take action to stifle him we’ll have only ourselves to blame.”

Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT) urged the 20+ Democrats currently in the race for the Party’s 2020 presidential nomination to “bypass boring discussions of policy options and just punch Trump in the face. We’ve already established that he’s a racist. We shouldn’t rehabilitate him by civilly debating the issues. Voters hate racists. They’d all like to punch him in the face. They will rally to the candidate who lands the first blow.”

CNN political analyst April Ryan recommended “a global search for kryptonite. We’ve tried everything else—sex scandals, slander, a deep-state conspiracy, fake news—nothing has worked. The only logical conclusion I can reach is that this guy is Superman. Well, the only thing that can bring Superman down is kryptonite. If we can’t get some soon, I’m afraid we’ll be reliving the nightmare of November 8, 2016 all over again.”

CEO of Planned Parenthood Fired

After being on the job for only nine months, CEO Leana Wen was abruptly fired this week. While Len claims to have been “blind sided” by the move, Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter insisted the firing “should not have been a surprise. The number of abortions we’ve performed has gone down on her watch. Several states have enacted severe restrictions on abortions performed after a fetal heartbeat is detected. The final straw was Wen’s assertion that only women can get pregnant and have abortions. This effectively undermines our opportunity to make up for lost business by performing abortions on transgender patients.”

Wen contends she is “being made the scapegoat for trends that are beyond our ability to control. I thought I said all the right words. I publicly asserted that abortions save lives. I refused to condemn sex selection abortions. I committed no thought crimes.”

Wen went on to predict that “whoever is named to succeed me will face the same struggle of swimming against a rising tide of opposition to our business plan and methods. Demographics are against Planned Parenthood. Our supporters aren’t raising the next pro-choice generation. Our opponents are raising the next anti-choice generation. The only way out of this dilemma is for the government to adopt a single child limit like China has.”

Meanwhile, new interim president Alexis McGill Johnson announced a “fresh venture into the virgin territory of evangelicals. There’s no good reason to believe that we can’t win Christians over. They refer to the aborted as ‘innocents.’ Abortion enables these innocents to avoid the sins they would inevitably commit if they are allowed to be born. In short, the terminations we offer sends them directly to heaven. Surely that is better than letting them risk eternal damnation through failure to abort them.”

Border Deaths Down Under Trump

Judging from media accounts and the hyperventilating Democrats, people might have the impression that the death toll for immigrants illegally crossing our southern border is at an all-time high. Such an impression would be mistaken.

During the eight years that Obama was president the annual death toll averaged 372. During the two-and-a-half years that Trump has been president the annual death toll has averaged 291—that’s a decline of more than 20% from the death rate during the Obama years.

Immigration expert Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cautioned us “to look past these bare facts to get the true picture. During the Obama Administration our government was supplying guns to Mexican gangsters. It’s only natural that the death toll would’ve been higher. Apologists for Trump neglect to mention this aspect. In my view, Trump is benefiting from his knee-jerk cancellation of President Obama’s sting operation against the Mexican drug-smuggling and human-trafficking cartels. These latest statistics don’t refute the charge of racism we’ve leveled against him.”

In other immigration news, six migrant families are demanding $3 million each as “compensation for the torture we have suffered at the hands of the US government. We undertook long and arduous journeys to find a better life only to be arrested for crossing the border illegally. Now we need to be paid.” Mark Fleming, associate director of litigation at the National Immigration Justice Center, warned that “failure to compensate these travelers will discourage others from trying to illegally enter the United States and lead to potentially devastating consequences.”

Biden Assurance on Health Care “Worthless”

In a bid to separate himself from his more socialist rivals, former Vice-President Joe Biden promised to preserve Obamacare and attempted to reassure voters that “if you like your health care plan, your employer-based plan, you can keep it. If you like your private insurance, you can keep it.”

However, arbiter of what and isn’t permissible for Democrats, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) called his promise “worthless. I don’t think too many people will be heartbroken if we go to a Medicare for all plan. Unless you qualify for a subsidy, Obamacare is very expensive. The monthly premium for a ‘bronze’ plan is $700 and the annual deductible is around $6,000. A family that has this plan will be $14,000 out-of-pocket before they receive any benefits. So, I doubt many would be eager to keep these plans.”

“Second, President Obama’s promise that people who liked their health plans when Obamacare was passed turned out to be untrue,” the Congresswoman pointed out. “In fact, this promise was declared the ‘lie of the year for 2013’ by PolitiFact. It boggles the mind that Biden believes he can successfully recycle this fib.”

Bill Needed to “Save Half My Family from Being Deported”

California Senate Leader Kevin de Leon (D-Los Angeles) spoke on behalf of SB54—legislation that would make California a sanctuary state for illegal immigrants. “The legislation is necessary because President Trump’s determination to deport only those who have broken other laws would still leave half of my family at risk,” de Leon said.

The Senator justified stealing identities and filing false affidavits, calling them “essential to gain employment and obtain taxpayer-paid benefits. Everybody does it. It’s a matter of survival. Trump’s insistence on enforcing the law against these crimes is cruel and unusual punishment. Obama didn’t enforce these laws. Bush didn’t enforce these laws. Trump has no right to overturn these precedents.”

Reparations Requires More than Just Money

Backer of reparations for descendants of former slaves Democratic presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says “writing a check is not gonna be enough. The financial disadvantages of slaves and their descendants represent only a small portion of what is owed to them by whites. Payments can’t assuage the hurt of whippings and lynchings.”

Harris averred that “it will be relatively easy to apportion the monetary damages among the descendants of the slave-holding whites. It will be harder to apportion the physical pain, fear, and humiliation. We’ll probably have to use some sort of lottery system to select which white people will have to bear these burdens. Many will have to be whipped. Fewer will have to be lynched. But all should have to endure the fear that it could be them. Those selected by the lottery for lynching should be rousted in the middle of the night by black men wearing hoods. I think this rough justice will be the best approximation of true justice that we could hope to achieve.”

Rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tex) volunteered to “be the first one whipped should Sen. Harris’ proposed plan be implemented. I was recently given documents showing that both my wife and I are descended from people who owned slaves. Let the atonement process begin with me.”

In related news, Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) claims that “we can’t have real diversity unless each person conforms to the proper racial viewpoint. If you have a black face, you need to speak with a black voice. If you have a brown face, you need to speak with a brown voice. Deviation from these expected norms confuses the issue and prevents us from achieving an authentically diverse community.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Mueller Testimony Delayed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

It looks like Special counsel Robert Mueller’s testimony before Congress will not take place on July 17 as originally planned. House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) is trying to get Mueller to appear before his committee on July 24.

Nadler explained that “we were able to reach a bipartisan agreement with the Republicans on the questioning protocol, but Mueller balked at the use of water-boarding, contending that ‘it is inappropriate to employ this harsh technique to a person of my stature.’ My feeling is that any ‘stature’ he may have had at one time was canceled out by his investigation’s failure to recommend an indictment of President Trump.”

Ranking Committee member Rep. Doug Collins (R-Georgia) cited “Mueller’s prior abuses in the Whitey Bulger case, where he withheld exculpatory evidence that resulted in four innocent men languishing in prison, is sufficient justification for the Committee to treat him as a hostile witness and use the more aggressive interrogation methods members of the US intelligence community have themselves used.”

A spokesman for Mueller called the bipartisan agreement “a clear deal-breaker from Bob’s perspective. He did all he could within the scope of the law to malign Trump and damage him politically. The ingratitude of the Democrats is causing him to reconsider whether he will testify.”

“Oh, he will testify,” Nadler insisted. “Congress has the right to compel him to testify. We will subpoena him and use whatever other tools we choose to employ to ensure he appears and answers our questions. The media will guarantee that the desired message reaches the general public and that the answers to the GOP’s irrelevant questions are buried.”

Dems Vow to Fight Deportation Action

The Trump Administration’s planned action to deport the one million illegal immigrants that the courts have already ruled should be deported met with strident objections from open-border advocates this week.

Donna Lieberman, executive director of the New York Civil Liberties Union, called the planned action “unfair. The individuals targeted have not had the opportunity to present their cases in court.” Lieberman neglected to mention the fact that these individuals were “no shows” for their scheduled opportunity to argue their side in court, maintaining that “common criminals who skip their court appearances aren’t sent directly to prison. They’re given new court dates. That’s what we’re asking for here.”

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) characterized the planned enforcement action as “a crime against humanity. Every person on the planet has the right to migrate in search of a better life. America has the means to provide that better life. We are already providing an array of benefits to undocumented immigrants—housing, food, education—and every Democratic presidential candidate is on record in support of free health care for them. I’m confident that others in my Party will join me to take efforts to nullify this crime against humanity.”

Among the others in the Democratic Party stepping forward to oppose the planned action was House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who advised illegal immigrants to “refuse to open the door to ICE agents seeking to enforce court-issued deportation orders. Barricade your self and your family inside and wait them out. In many cases, local mayors will send police to interdict the federal intrusion.”

In Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot ordered police in her city to “obstruct ICE from carrying out this crime against humanity. That includes withholding criminal records, warning those likely to be targeted, and impeding ICE agents with strategically sited and scheduled traffic jams that block ICE vehicles on their way to suspected immigrant hideouts. The best case scenario is that all victims elude capture.”

Pelosi Called “Racist”

This week, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) assailed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) by accusing her of racism. “At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was just an ideological difference,” AOC said. “You know, moderates vs. progressives. I have since learned that there are no real ideological differences. The differences are racial. She is targeting newly-elected women of color. That’s racist.”

“She is also trying to weigh us down with inane demands that we spend all our time on committees and stuff instead of spending our time on Twitter and interviews with the media to advance socialism,” AOC complained. “Making we women of color beasts of burden is what old-time Democrats did to the slaves. That’s racist.”

“Her public criticism of us is also inciting crazies to make death threats against us,” AOC added. “Stirring up lynch mobs against we women of color is what the Jim Crow Democrats did against former slaves after the Civil War. That’s racist.”

Pelosi countered that “my criticisms of Rep. Ocasio-Cortez stemmed from her broad-brush slander of moderate Democratic caucus members as ‘segregationists.’ It is one thing to slander Republicans. It is quite another to besmirch our comrades in the struggle for power in such a fashion. It has been my long established practice to draw the line on these tactics where the aisle separates us from our partisan foes.”

Despite having been a consistent target of Democratic slander himself, President Trump publicly chastised Rep. Ocasio-Cortez for her “very disrespectful remarks about Speaker Pelosi. Nancy’s not a racist.” Pelosi thanked him for “clarifying that we are not on the same side on the question of who’s a racist and who isn’t.”

Beto Woos Immigrants

Casting himself as the “anti-Trump,” Democratic presidential contender former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke sought to rally illegal immigrants to his side.

“America was founded on white supremacy,” the candidate argued. “As a person who was born white I could’ve aligned myself with the oppressors and reaped the benefits of exploiting the weak. But I courageously converted to Latino as an adult so I could lead an army of oppressed brown people to victory over white tyranny.”

O’Rourke pleaded with his audience to “send for more of your relatives and friends to come to America and join this army. Hundreds of millions of Latinos want to come to America. If only half of them come before the 2020 election we’d have enough votes to elect the first Latino president in history.”

The former Representative rejected contentions that his plan might benefit rival candidate, former Secretary of Housing Julian Castro. “Julian is a cis-Latino,” Beto pointed out. “I am a trans-Latino. He is Latino by accident of birth. I am Latino by choice. I think that demonstrates that I am more committed to Latino interests and values than a fellow whose passion is only skin deep.”

Castro questioned O’Rourke’s credentials, saying “if Beto is so committed why is his command of Spanish so poor? His clumsy ventures into our language approximate those of a drunk college freshman in a Spanish 101 class. I don’t disagree with his call for 100 million new Latino immigrants. I applaud it. I need these votes and am confident I will get them if they are cast.”

Dems Test Arguments Against Trump Economy

Historically, economic prosperity has carried incumbent presidents to reelection. After two-and-a-half years of the Trump Administration the US economy appears very prosperous. GDP is expanding at a rate that former President Obama insisted would never be seen again. Stock prices are reaching record highs. Unemployment is at historic lows. Wages are rising. The task of Democrats seeking to persuade voters to unseat Trump would seem to be daunting. Nevertheless, several of them are trying out arguments against the Trump economic gains.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) played the envy card, pointing out that “a 3% gain on a billion dollar income is $30 million, but a 3% gain on an average person’s salary is only $1700. This is corruption, pure and simple. We need a more equitable distribution of wealth even if this means everyone gets less. Fairness is more important than prosperity. Equality is what voters want. I will give it to them. Trump won’t.”

Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) played the race card, bewailing the injustice of “putting the small black and brown owned businesses in my neighborhood at a serious disadvantage. They can’t get government-subsidized loans because the government has designated their products ‘contraband.’ On top of this, police harassment raises their costs and injects an element of risk that corporate competitors like CVS and Walgreens don’t have to deal with. Trump won’t change these laws. I will. That’s why voters will elect me.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) questioned the value of full employment, saying that “slaves were fully employed. Is that a model we really want to emulate? During the Obama Administration record numbers of people were able to live without toil. They enjoyed a life free from the stress of having to endure wage-slavery because the government generously provided for their needs. This left them free to enjoy being themselves rather than having to take demeaning jobs just to put food on the table. I will restore that ‘golden era’ if I’m fortunate enough to be elected president.”

Colorado State University Professor OiYan Poon warned these Democrats that “they are over-thinking the issue. They shouldn’t go down into the gutter with Trump and try to argue the minutia of economic policy. They should just punch him in the neck. That’s what I do when I run into people who are disagreeable.”

Times Suggests Solution to Housing Shortage

The growing ranks of homeless persons and the continued invasion of our country by millions of illegal immigrants have generated a severe shortage of housing across the US. The editors of the New York Times have offered an “outside-the-box” solution that “would tap into the housing surplus currently being squandered by archaic attitudes toward property rights.”

The editors start off by pointing out that “as a general rule, most Americans have more house than they need. What we are suggesting is that the appropriate public policy could put this surplus to more efficient use by requisitioning this space for the accommodation of the homeless and new immigrants.”

Under the Times’ plan, “data to be collected by the 2020 Census will enable the government to pinpoint housing surpluses. Once determinations of where the surpluses exist is made, those in need of housing can be assigned to these residences. Persons whose home are assigned to receive new residents would also receive a federal stipend to help offset the anticipated higher expenses for utilities and food required to accommodate their new guests plus a 10% profit over costs for the home owner.”

“This will be a ‘win-win’ outcome,” the editors wrote. “Formerly homeless individuals will have a nice place to live. They won’t be wandering the streets begging for handouts and forced to defecate in public. Owners of the homes receiving new residents will turn formerly wasted excess space into a modest addition to their yearly income and have the satisfaction of helping out persons less well-off than themselves. The only serious unanswered question is which of the Democratic presidential contenders has the vision to pick up this ball and run with it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Biden Promises to Fight for the Presidency

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Smarting from assessments that he lost the first debate of the 2020 presidential campaign, former Vice-President Joe Biden offered to “roll up my sleeves and fight for the right to lead this country. You know, there are many tribes whose traditional culture calls for contenders to physically fight for the right to lead. I think that approach has a lot to recommend it compared to the pander-fest I was forced to participate in last week.”

“My suggestion is that President Trump be required to defend his office by meeting each challenger, in turn and at suitable intervals between now and November 2020, in a no-hold-barred match to decide who will lead America for the next four years,” Biden said. “During the 2016 campaign, Trump promised to fight for the American people. I’m calling on him to honor this promise to prove he’s worthy of the office.”

Biden’s proposal received mixed reactions from some of the other contenders. Confident that his youth and ferocity would give him a decisive edge, Sen. Corey Booker (D-NJ) accepted the challenge, saying “we need a fighter now more than at any point in our nation’s history. I think I have shown throughout my career that I am the fighter America needs.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), the reputed winner of the Democrat presidential candidates’ debate, was more lukewarm. “Unless there is some way to level the playing field I don’t think a purely physical contest would be fair to the women,” she objected. “Perhaps if all the men had to fight the women with one hand tied behind their backs it might be an acceptable option.”

A spokesman for the Biden camp averred that “such a handicap wouldn’t be necessary. “Since Joe’s proposal would use a ‘highest office held’ protocol to determine who gets the first shot at Trump, we expect the former Vice-President to have the first and only needed shot at knocking Trump out of the race and taking his place in the White House. There would be no need for any of the women to worry about their pugilistic deficiencies.”

Congresswoman Demands End to Mockery

Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla) is demanding that persons who mock members of Congress be prosecuted. “The Constitution says that members of Congress shall not be questioned in any other place,” Wilson asserted. “Yet, even the shallowest dive into the internet bumps into numerous criticisms, insults and threats. Not a day goes by when someone isn’t calling for voters to oust me from office. This has got to stop.”

“We’re going to shut them down and work with whoever it is to shut them down and they should be prosecuted,” the Congresswoman promised. “Freedom of speech does not protect ‘hate speech.’ The mockery exhibited online is an unacceptable threat to our constitutional right to rule.”

Wilson was undaunted by the difficulty of getting the Trump Administration Department of Justice to carry out the desired prosecutions, saying that “Congress has the right to impeach anyone, including the President himself, who fails to obey the will of Congress.”

In related news, Border Patrol agents are now under investigation for laughing at Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) when she staged a “crying photo op” next to a vacant parking lot, falsely characterized a common combo toilet and sink configuration as forcing detainees to drink out of a toilet, and demanded that guards “stop looking at me” during her visit to the El Paso, Texas border facility.

Dems Envision “Smart Guns”

In their continuing quest to disarm the law-abiding segment of the US population, some key Democrats are envisioning a technological path toward this objective.

At the state level, Gov. Phil Murphy (NJ) pledges to sign legislation requiring every firearms dealer in the state to sell smart guns as soon as they become available from manufacturers. At the national level, former Vice-President Joe Biden is calling for “smart guns” to be made mandatory.

Biden claimed that “if James Bond is willing to use a smart gun, then lesser skilled law-enforcement officers and private individuals should be required to use them. Right now, millions of people rely on Alexa or Siri for a wide array of decisions. If people are willing to trust artificial intelligence for mundane choices there’s no good reason why these technologies shouldn’t be employed to make the final decision on whether or not to allow a user to discharge a firearm for so-called self-defense. Why let human emotions drive a life or death decision when the dispassionate intervention of an artificial intelligence can make a more logical choice for the collective welfare of society?”

Booker: “Free Health Care for Illegals Is Just Common Sense”

Long-shot presidential contender Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) defended the field’s unanimous endorsement of free health care for those entering the US illegally. “Many of those crossing our southern border bring deadly diseases with them,” he pointed out. “Treating them strikes me as pretty much a ‘no brainer.’ In fact, the more I think about it, I believe that to get out in front of this potential pandemic we need to extend free health care to every potential immigrant. If we can cure them in their home countries they’ll be in better shape for the long journey, less likely to die along the way, and healthier when they do arrive.”

The Senator congratulated himself for “thinking outside the box” and “demonstrating the kind of vision that the next person to be our nation’s president needs.” He also took credit for “personally escorting five undocumented individuals past border guards and into the United States,” an accomplishment he gleefully contrasted with rival candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke’s (D-Texas) unsuccessful attempt to help a migrant break out of a Mexican detention center.

Harris Promises to Revive School Busing

Still pumped after forcing rival Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden to admit that he opposed forced busing back in the 1970s, Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) sought to build on her momentum by vowing to revive this school integration technique.

“It was racists who opposed busing their children to ghetto schools,” Harris maintained. “It’s a disgrace to see that the Vice-President refuses to admit his guilt and apologize. I urge all Democrat voters to reject racism and elect me to represent our Party in the 2020 presidential election. I will restore busing to its rightful place as a tool for shaping our youth into the social progressives that will inherit the reins after us.”

Whether Harris’ vow to revive school busing is a winning issue remains doubtful. In its heyday busing was opposed by a vast majority of voters. Even Black voters opposed it by 48% to 44%. More recently, it has been minorities that have demanded separation from whites at the college level—as in segregated dorms and segregated fraternities.

AOC Says US Headed Toward Fascism

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) warned that “the US is headed toward becoming a fascist country. On the one hand, we see continued attempts to prevent foreigners from entering the United States just because it is illegal. Then when the Border Patrol fails to prevent entry they’re holding these people in concentration camps. In what way is this significantly different from what Hitler did?”

“Then, just this past week we saw antifascists forced to go out into the streets of Portland and beat up enemies of progressive policies,” the Congresswoman said. “Even though they had the backing of Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, they still had to wear masks to protect themselves from wrongful prosecution by the anti-socialist fascists who still control the Department of Justice. This street violence is the same kind of thing that preceded the Nazis coming to power in Germany in 1933. We are at a crucial point in this country’s history. If we don’t move forward with the impeachment of Donald Trump, the socialist vision of America’s future first glimpsed by President Obama and echoed by every one of the Democratic Party’s potential 2020 nominees maybe be lost for a generation or more.”

The victims that the masked, self-styled antifascists were forced to club with tire irons and crowbars included John Blum, Adam Kelly, and homosexual reporter Andy Ngo. According to the batterers, the victims “had it coming” and pointed out “they’re lucky to still be alive.”

Hillary Drops Out of Cybersecurity Event

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton abruptly canceled her scheduled appearance at the FireEye Cyber Defense Summit set for this coming October.

Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill explained that “this conference is for the world’s leading security experts. It was decided that an appearance by the Secretary would undermine her claim that she used an unsecured email server and destroyed a dozen communications devices that were under subpoena out of ignorance and unfamiliarity with using computers and cell phones. We felt it would be better for her to adopt a position that as an aging person who grew up before such equipment was in common use she inadvertently committed these crimes.”

Buttigieg Says Asking Blacks to Stop Committing Crimes Is Racist

During a Q & A session at the Carroll County Democratic Party BBQ in Iowa this week, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg (South Bend, Indiana) deftly dodged a suggestion that he could help ease tensions between Blacks and the police by asking Blacks “to stop committing crimes and doing drugs.”

The candidate contends that “committing crimes and doing drugs are lifestyle choices” and that “failure to tolerate these choices is racism, pure and simple. It is easy for white people who have every advantage to disparage a culture they do not understand. Our prisons have a disproportionate quantity of Blacks compared to their share of the population. The excuse that this is the result of disproportion in the commissions of crime doesn’t cut it. We need to either release more Blacks from prison or put more whites behind bars to correct the imbalance.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.