Kerry Announces Potential Deal with Iran

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, former secretary of state for the Obama Administration John Kerry announced that he has negotiated a deal to reduce tensions between Iran and the United States.

“It was tough going,” Kerry admitted. “The unrelenting hostility of the Trump Administration toward Iran made that country’s leaders very skeptical of the possibility of ever getting to a satisfactory relationship with America. Nevertheless, after weeks of heart-to-heart talks, I was finally able to hammer out a plan to reestablish a path to restore the amicable relationship we had when I was secretary of state.”

“The terms are simple and easily attainable,” Kerry said. “All the United States government has to do to get back on Iran’s good side is revoke the sanctions imposed by President Trump, sincerely repent this act of aggression, and bow down to the Iranian Government. This is a small price to pay for the eternal peace that will follow from joining the umma.”

Kerry insisted that the terms he negotiated were “not a capitulation. Iran is magnanimously willing to waive the traditional demand of conversion to Islam and will permit a modest annual jizya payment to compensate Iran for the cost of protecting Americans from the righteous slaughter that the Quran prescribes for unbelievers.”

CNN’s Chris Cuomo called Kerry’s initiative “courageous and historic,” but was “not optimistic concerning its fate under Trump” because of “the President’s racism and hatred toward foreigners. Kerry’s deal would essentially reestablish the deal that President Obama previously agreed to. The bowing down performed by President Obama was barely noticeable to most Americans and the jizya payments were very affordable. However, since Trump unilaterally rejected the Obama deal I can’t see him coming to his senses now. It will be up to voters to show their support for the previous policies by electing a Democrat president in 2020.”

Biden Insists Mangled Story “Not a Gaffe”

A story that former Vice-President Joe Biden tried to tell during a New Hampshire campaign stop in which he got virtually every detail wrong—the time, the location, the act, the medal, the military branch, the rank of the hero, and his own role in the ceremony–”was not a gaffe,” he insisted.

“Look, in every war heroic actions are taken by somebody, somewhere, at some time,” Biden pointed out. “Does it really matter whether it was a soldier or sailor? Does it really matter what his or her rank was? The point is that medals for bravery are given out and I was at one of these ceremonies during my term as vice-president. This is why voters should support my campaign to be the next president.”

The former Veep went on to accuse the Trump campaign of “using this kind of hate speech against me in order to divert attention from his cruelty toward children. In none of his campaign appearances has Trump ever caressed the shoulders, sniffed the hair, or whispered in the ear of any child. He demonstrates indifference toward these young people. I, on the other hand, make sure I give youngsters the attention that shows I have the insight to sense their craving for the type of physical contact that assures them I can be trusted to do whatever it takes to make them feel good about themselves and America.”

In related news, candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party’s presidential nomination Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren vowed she “won’t let Trump get ‘handsy’ with me in the debates like he did with Hillary in 2016.” While there is no evidence that Trump ever laid a hand on Sec. Clinton in any of their televised debates, Warren insisted that “neither is there any evidence that he colluded with Russia or obstructed justice, but we all know that he did. Moral certainty must trump facts when it comes to making as important a decision as who will be the next president of the United States.”

Comey Demands Apology

Fired FBI Director James Comey demanded an apology after an inspector General’s report failed to recommend charges be filed against him for illegally leaking confidential FBI memos to the media. While President Trump tweeted that “Comey was thoroughly disgraced by the IG’s report,” Comey maintains that “I was exonerated. I was also pleased to see that the ‘Comey precedent’ that was established when I exonerated Hillary Clinton for her careless handling of classified material guided the Department of Justice decision to not press charges against me.”

“In a truly just world, I would, like former Secretary of State Clinton, now receive the covert assistance of the FBI, CIA and Department of Justice in an effort to help me win the 2020 presidential election,” Comey opined. “If the intelligence community could go so far out of its way to try to elect an outsider like Clinton, they ought be full-throttle in support of one of their own.”

Comey denied that his dream of covert intelligence community support for him to be president was unrealistic, pointing out that “Putin was a KGB operative before he became president of Russia. I would think that it should be obvious that not having an experienced member of the intelligence community at the top puts the United States at a distinct disadvantage compared to our chief geopolitical rivals. Overcoming this disadvantage should be our top strategic objective at this point in history.”

In related news, it appears that Clinton’s careless handling of classified emails resulted in “blind ccs” of 30,000 messages were transmitted to “” Carter Heavy Industries is a company operating in China. A spokesperson for Sec. Clinton speaking “off-the-record” explained that “this automatic forwarding of the Secretary of State’s emails was part of the Obama Administration’s efforts to build a stronger alliance with the Chinese government. Those who want to characterize it as illegitimate are overlooking the fact that it was done with the full knowledge and consent of President Obama.”

Sanders Praises China’s Progress in Addressing Poverty

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) praised the Chinese government for making “more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization. While it is unfortunate that millions had to die in order to achieve these results, we shouldn’t let bourgeois prejudices totally blind us to the positive aspects of their accomplishments. Sometimes harsh methods are required to do hard tasks.”

“If a country as backward as China was decides to sacrifice tens of millions of people now so that hundreds of millions may prosper later, can we really say that a wrong has been done?” Sanders asked. “And let’s not overlook the environmental benefits of lessening population growth. Every new human life taxes the planet’s resources and pollutes nature. Every human life eliminated reduces these evils. I think we should learn from China’s experiences, imitate their successes and try to avoid their failures.”

“My main beef with China is that it has relied on top-down authoritarian dictatorship to govern,” Sanders complained. “I think everyone would be more comfortable with a democratic socialist, bottom-up method of making the kinds of decisions needed. If sacrifices are required the mechanism that I prefer is democratic decision making. If the elected representatives of the people determine that some must sacrifice for the benefit of the collective whole, that is a morally just decision. We can still get to the promised land that Marx predicted, but do it by democratic means. Citizens will more willingly accept democratically arrived at decisions and there will be less need to repress the selfish individuals who resist the march of history toward true communism.”

In related news, Sanders lost the vote of San Francisco restaurant owner John Konstin for “being rude and cranky” during a campaign stop at his eatery. Bernie was unmoved by the owner’s complaint saying “my being here with my 15 aides brought him a lot of free publicity. I shouldn’t also have to be nice to his waiters. It’s his obligation to be nice to me. When I’m president he’ll wish he were. Presidents have ways of repaying those who help or hurt them after they win an election.”

Feces Removal Called “Racist”

The leftist utopia city of Seattle, like its sister cities San Francisco and Los Angeles, has a human feces problem. The homeless encampments that clog numerous public open spaces yield a daily deposit of thousands of new human turds on the streets and sidewalks. Almost everyone is bothered by this. However, a proposal to clean up the mess has been labeled “racist” by Councilman Larry Gossett.

Gossett pointed out that “a disproportionate share of the homeless population are minorities. I wonder if we would be so quick to criticize if these deposits were being made by whites? The power-washing that has been proposed will inconvenience the homeless residents. How many of us on the Council would tolerate city employees coming into our homes and power-washing our bathrooms?”

The councilman also observed that “using power-hoses to intimidate those demonstrating for equal rights was a key tactic of whites repressing blacks during the 1960s. I think the optics of using power-washing the feces will do more damage to our community than the alleged health threat of open-air defecation ever could.”

In an effort to generate a compromise solution, council member Claudia Balducci suggested deploying “social workers to pick up the droppings and carry them away in plastic bags. If dog-walkers can accomplish this task, why wouldn’t that work? Beat cops could accompany the social workers to protect them from assaults by the homeless residents.”

The city council was unable to agree upon an approach, citing cost as a major impediment. “This is a national problem, not a local problem,” Gossett maintained. “We shouldn’t be penalized just because the homeless choose to live in our great city. The feds need to provide funding to offset this cost. If FEMA can send aid for hurricane relief, they can send aid to us.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Buttigieg Blames Trump for Mental Illness

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential candidate, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg latched on to what he characterized as “the irony of Trump’s insistence that mental illness is the key source of mass shootings when it is his policies that are generating the mental stress that pushes these people over the edge.”

“Let’s consider two examples,” Buttigieg suggested. “First, Trump’s economic policies have resulted in record numbers of people being employed. Work is one of the major sources of stress in a person’s life. The regimentation of the nine-to-five workday rat race dramatically reduces the amount of free time available to an individual. We shouldn’t be surprised if this spurs murderous impulses.”

“Second, Trump’s moves to decrease the frequency of abortions condemns individuals suffering from unwanted pregnancies to bear an increased risk of being burdened with parenting responsibilities they’d rather not have,” the Mayor asserted. “The ensuing surge in unwanted lives foments the anger that could easily inspire outbursts of homicidal rage.”

“If I am elected president I will reverse both of these policies,” he promised. “I will ratchet up taxes to dampen the economic expansion that has snared so many into wage-slavery. I will restore full federal funding for abortions and ensure that there are no restrictions as to who, how, or when they may be performed.”

In a more philosophic addendum to his remarks, the candidate cited a recent article written by Marcie Bianco in which she argued that “heterosexuality is just not working.” “The big downside of heterosexuality is that it is too easy to conceive a child,” Buttigieg observed. “Homosexual pairings do not bear this same level of risk. My husband and I will never be victimized by an unwanted pregnancy. Now that in vitro fertilization methods are available we have the means for evolving away from the accidental route to parenthood. The expensive, complex and arduous steps required will guarantee that only the most committed will become parents. I think full federal funding for this is the natural corollary for unrestricted abortion.”

In related news, Buttigieg pledged to “cut incarceration in half without increasing the crime rate. The key will be to decriminalize a lot of the offenses for which the current inmates have been imprisoned. We can start by eliminating all drug laws. Next in line would be to decriminalize all thefts in which the amount stolen is less than $1,000. Third would be the confiscation of all guns. Logically, if no one had a gun the entire category of armed robbery would be abolished.” Skeptics questioned the Mayor’s reasoning, pointing out that South Bend, the city he governs, has a crime rate more than twice the national average.

Sanders Demands Prosecution of Fossil Fuel Executives

Socialist presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to “criminally prosecute the men who run the fossil fuel corporations that are wrecking the environment. The claim that they are merely giving their customers what they want—the fuel to cool and heat their homes and power the factories that produce merchandise and the fuel to power their cars and to truck the merchandise from factory to market—is the same type of claim that Al Capone used to justify his bootlegging.”

“It’s time for saner heads to make the hard decisions required to save the planet,” Sanders said. “We need to wean people off the idea that they should get what they want. Under democratic socialism the government will determine what is best for everyone. That’s why my $16 trillion green new deal calls for all resources to be controlled by the government. Only then can we ensure that these resources will be invested for the best purposes.”

Sanders rejected objections citing Venezuela’s socialist failures as a cautionary warning against the policies he is proposing, saying that “the claim that Venezuela’s approach has failed is a myth concocted by capitalists. That country has dramatically reduced its carbon footprint. Fossil fuel consumption has plummeted. Food that was previously discarded has been rescued from the dump and consumed. I see no reason why the United States cannot achieve similar results from a fully implemented green new deal.”

The senator rebuffed contentions that without the fossil fuels that his green new deal would eliminate air travel would be impossible. “First of all, a lot of the air travel we have now is unnecessary,” he argued. “A small reserve of fuel should be sufficient to sustain crucial government air travel. Candidates for federal office would still be allotted enough fuel to make necessary campaign stops. The unavailability of fuel for nonessential travel would spur innovations. I heard some interesting ideas on how gliders could be used to provide a modicum of air travel for non-government individuals. The only glitch is getting these vehicles airborne. But I remember as a kid using a rubber band to launch my mini-glider. Perhaps this could be adapted for larger craft.”

Meanwhile, Sanders has called for abolishing “right-to-work” laws, saying that “only capitalist oppressors would tout such a ‘right.’ Work is a burden. Government ought to relieve as many people of this burden as possible. When I am president only the rich will have the right to work. Everyone else will have the right to a fair share of the wealth created by those who are working.”

San Francisco Redefines Crime

Not content with the degradation of the city stemming from a lawless homeless population shooting up with drugs and defecating in the streets, the City’s Board of Supervisors has undertaken a scheme to define crime out of existence. “Terms such as ‘offender,’ ‘delinquent,’ ‘convicted felon,’ and ‘thief,’ will be replaced by less pejorative terminology,” said Supervisor Matt Haney.

“In place of these hurtful words we will heretofore use terms like ‘behavioral nonconformist,’ ‘naughty young person,’ ‘justice-involved individual,’ and ‘unlicensed income re-distributor,’” Haney promised. “Our aim is to avoid ruining lives by stigmatizing individuals in ways that would damage their reputations. Ideally, a lot of behavior that is currently illegal would be legalized and promote a greater tolerance for the eccentricities of some of our more colorful fellow residents.”

Meanwhile, the City of Baltimore has discontinued its aerial crime surveillance plane. The surveillance was fully funded by philanthropists John and Laura Arnold and cost the city nothing. Baltimore Police Department spokesperson Matt Jablow explained that “the feeling was that the program was inhibiting some of the City’s residents from carrying out their normal day-to-day activities.” Since Baltimore’s murder rate of 55.77 per 100,000 inhabitants is second-highest in the nation (only St. Louis at 66.07 is higher), perhaps inhibiting some residents’ normal activities would be a good thing.

In related news, NBC reporter Mike Viqueira took issue with President “Trump’s insistence on blaming shooters for the murders they commit. Those of us who cover these stories know that the shooters are often just as much a victim as those they kill. Many shoot themselves after they’re done shooting others. Shooters who survive have their lives ruined by lengthy prison sentences. And unlike Trump, we also know that if no one had a gun these shootings would never take place. The only thing that needs to be resolved is how to ensure that no one has access to firearms. Until we reach that state we know the massacres will continue.”

On the other hand, research has shown that guns in the hands of private citizens have prevented 400,000 life-threatening crimes per year and that 60% of convicted felons say they avoid targeting potential victims who they know are carrying firearms.

Biden Calls for Doubling Capital Gains Tax Rate

Alleging that “it was Reagan’s unwarranted tax cuts that led to the assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King in the 1970s,” Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden called for “a doubling of the capital gains tax rate.”

“Trump is taking this country down that same disastrous path,” Biden claimed. “The tax cuts and deregulation he crammed down America’s throat have unleashed the same explosion of prosperity and greed that characterized that tragic earlier era. We must elect Democrats to avoid repeating these earlier mistakes.”

The former Veep vowed that “if I’m your next president, I will work with my good friends Sen. Byrd and Sen. Eastland to build a consensus for sensible tax reform that all Americans can support.”

In related news, Dr. Neal Kassell, the man who performed brain surgery on Biden in 1988 maintains that “he is every bit as sharp as he was 31 years ago. I haven’t seen any change.” The more than four decades of continued incoherence emanating from Biden both before and after the surgery validates Dr. Kassell’s assessment.

Trump Alienating Allies

Former Democratic presidential candidate Rep. Eric Swalwell (Calif) assailed President Trump for “alienating our allies to such an extent that they may not come to our aid should we be attacked.”

“A prime cause of the alienation was Trump’s bullying them to honor their NATO military commitments,” Swalwell contended. “This reversed decades of bi-partisan policy that looked the other way when our allies fell short of meeting their obligations. This bi-partisan policy built an enormous amount of good will that Trump has squandered.”

Swalwell rejected the idea that without meeting the NATO military obligations the so-called allies would not be in a position to come to our aide, saying that “physically, that might be true, but there is also the moral support aspect. As former President Obama pointed out, words matter. Realistically, words are about all we should expect in terms of support from these guys. They couldn’t fully defend themselves from the Nazis. They couldn’t have repelled a Soviet invasion on their own. They currently can’t even defend themselves from invasion by unarmed immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. The only aid they could provide for us is words of encouragement. That aid is what Trump has foolishly squandered.”

In related news, German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that other members of the European Union resume efforts to assist the invasion of these immigrants. “We’re caught between a rock and a hard place,” Merkel lamented. “If we don’t assist them we face immediate terror attacks. If we do, we may be able to avert these attacks by acquiescing to a more gradual demographic conquest, the consequences of which might be postponed for a decade or more.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Castro Defends Doxxing Trump Supporters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-Tex), campaign manager for presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, tweeted the names and places of employment for 44 San Antonio citizens who donated to President Trump’s campaign. The easily foreseeable consequence that these people would be harassed and threatened by left-wing loons quickly came to pass. Nevertheless, Castro lamely claimed that “it was not my intention to harass anyone. I just wanted everyone to think twice before they give any support to our racist President.”

Apprised of the harassment incidents—one woman received an obscenity-laced voice mail labeling her a “scumbag racist who should f*** yourself,” a business owner received 25 phone calls calling him a “racist” who should “burn in Hell”—Rep. Castro shrugged it off saying that “actions have consequences. If you donate to a white supremacist you should expect every decent person to hate you.”

It turns out that six of the doxxed Trump donors also donated to either to Rep. Castro’s congressional campaign and/or Sec. Castro’s presidential campaign. Rep. Castro brushed this aside, characterizing it as “a timely warning of traitors within the ranks of the democratic socialist movement. People need to understand that they are either with us or against us. They can’t hope to save their necks by straddling the gap between good and evil for a few thousand dollars in donations. When my brother becomes president we will purge society of all nonbelievers so we can unify the country in our march toward social justice for all.”

Biden Campaign Picks Up Steam

At an Iowa Democratic presidential campaign event, former Vice-President Joe Biden electrified an enthusiastic crowd of supporters by assuring them that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. They may not pay attention in school or get good grades, but many in our urban areas have shown entrepreneurial promise by establishing thriving small drug distribution businesses that have overcome the daunting opposition of the police and the law. This, not diplomas on the wall, is the kind of action that makes America great.”

Biden also tried to bolster confidence in Democratic electoral success by emphasizing that “we choose truth over facts. Republicans are fond of boasting about economic statistics showing rising wages and lower unemployment, but they overlook the toll that effort takes on a person’s psyche. Democrats know that the true path to happiness comes from reducing stress. Our plan to have the government play the leading role in the redistribution of wealth will reduce stress by guaranteeing a decent standard of living to everyone. Those who want to work will be permitted to continue working. Those who don’t will be free to enjoy the leisure previously restricted to the wealthy. This truth will triumph over the out-dated facts the GOP uses to oppress the middle class.”

Twitter Freezes/Unfreezes McConnell Account

This week, a menacing crowd assembled outside Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s home in an explicit effort to disrupt his convalescence after a fall broke his shoulder. Their activities included round-the-clock shouting of obscenities, demanding that “someone should stab him in the heart,” and chanting “murder Turtle”—a nickname political opponents have given the Senator.

In an attempt to document this harassment, a video of the crowd’s behavior was posted on McConnell’s Twitter account. Twitter froze McConnell’s account and demanded that the video be removed. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey explained that “the foul language in the video violates our standards.” McConnell’s reply pointing out that the foul language emanated from his harassers failed to sway Dorsey.

Dorsey called McConnell’s action “an invasion of privacy and an attempt to chill freedom of speech. The people outside his house were standing on a public street. The Supreme Court has ruled that foul language is protected speech. The demonstrators didn’t agree to be videoed. Clearly, the Senator is in the wrong here. We had every right to ban his video.”

It was only after Republicans vowed to stop buying ads on Twitter that the firm reversed its action and unfroze McConnell’s account. “Sometimes being right isn’t enough,” Dorsey complained. “The financial extortion being applied by these enemies of democracy has forced us to yield to injustice. Some will say that a business as big as ours could easily get by without their ad revenues. However, if you want to be a billion-dollar corporation you’ve got to grab every dollar you can. As long as we’re forced to operate under capitalism that’s how we have to compete. Hopefully, a Democratic win in the 2020 election will usher in a different economic system.”

CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN’s Reza Aslan called “Trump’s supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters” who “must be eradicated from society.” Aslan insisted he wasn’t advocating violence: “I’m not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination.”

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are “part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater’s special summer show: “We the People.” The show’s plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says “we’re using horror to bring a message of unity.”

Fired FBI Goons Sue

Former FBI employees—Deputy Director Andrew McCabe and Special Agent Peter Strzok—are suing the federal government, alleging that they were improperly fired from their jobs.

McCabe contends that his firing was politically motivated. “President Trump wrongfully ordered my dismissal solely on the grounds that my efforts to prevent his election and undermine his presidency were not appropriate actions for a man in my position to take,” McCabe said. “The orders I received to undertake the actions I took came down from duly appointed authorities in the FBI and DOJ. This includes the specific instruction to illegally leak classified information intended to mobilize voters to vote against Trump in the 2016 election. Getting fired for being a loyal follower of those above me in the chain of command was a moral atrocity.”

Strzok contends that “the evidence gathered against me was illegally obtained without my consent. The government should have known that I would use the phone issued to me for private communications with Ms. Page. The revelation that many of these communications exposed my virulent animosity toward Trump invaded my privacy. That animosity was characterized as compromising my credibility as an investigator. That was unfair. All of us working with Director Comey and then Special Counsel Mueller shared the same animosity toward Trump. That I was singled out and made a scapegoat was manifestly unjust.”

Despite being fired a year ago, Strzok is a frequent visitor to FBI headquarters, meets with high-level DOJ brass at a location across the street from the FBI headquarters, and still retains his top secret security clearance. His case has been assigned to Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. Jackson was appointed by President Obama and is expected to order Strzok reinstated with back pay and full pension rights. Perhaps McCabe will be equally “lucky” when his case is assigned to a judge.

Dem Presidential Candidate Follies

On the campaign trail this week the struggle for the Democratic presidential nomination continued to generate loony ideas.

New Jersey Sen Cory Booker’s campaign director for New Hampshire, Erin Turmelle, demanded an end to Trump rallies, calling them “a breeding ground for racism and bigotry. They are despicable and have no place in New Hampshire, or anywhere in our country. That’s why Trump must cancel all future rallies.” She rejected criticism calling the demand a violation of Trump’s freedom of speech, saying that “there is no freedom for hate speech” and suggested that Trump “campaign like a normal Republican candidate. He could learn a lot about decorum from the model presidential campaigns waged by Sen. McCain and former Massachusetts Gov. Romney.”

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke canceled a previously planned campaign trip to Iowa and is headed to Mexico “because there are more f***ing votes there than there are in Iowa. I’ll be meeting with Chihuahua Governor Javier Corral Jurado and Ciudad Juárez Mayor Armando Cabada to discuss ways to get more voters across the border before the 2020 election. It’s the best way to ensure that the murderous bastard Trump is defeated.”

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised to institute food rationing if he is elected president, claiming it “will serve the dual purposes of fighting obesity and saving the environment.” The Senator laughed at charges that his plan will lead to shortages. “Shortages are a feature, not a defect of my plan. It is only by controlling food intake that we can assure that every American has a healthy diet. Lower food consumption will allow more farmland to revert back to a natural state. That will help the environment. Making people wait in line to receive their food allotment will help keep them from making trouble. And the shared suffering will unite the country under a regime of greater equality. I say if Venezuela can do it so can we.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren called President Trump “a white supremacist who has done everything in his power to stir up racial conflict and hatred in this country. After two of his followers massacred dozens in El Paso and Dayton last weekend he failed to admit guilt. Instead, he tried to place the blame on the shooters, calling them deranged madmen.” Unfortunately for the Senator’s narrative, the Dayton madman was a registered Democrat who described himself as a leftist and looked forward to voting for Warren and a socialist America.

California Sen. Kamala Harris vowed to send armed men door-to-door to confiscate firearms should she be elected president. “The Second Amendment is out-dated BS,” she asserted. “The days of needing a gun to ward off predatory animals or marauding Indians are long gone. Most of these animals are on the endangered species list and the Indians have been pacified. History has shown that when the only legal guns are in the hands of the government, homicides committed by private citizens go way down. The population is also more docile and the laws are almost universally obeyed. This is the future we can have in America if progressive candidates prevail in 2020.”

Newspaper Criticizes Volunteers Who Cleaned Up City

After President Trump pointed out the rat-infested piles of trash strewn around Baltimore, a group of 100 volunteers conducted a massive clean-up effort. Though tons of trash were removed at no cost to the City’s inhabitants, the Baltimore Sun newspaper derided the volunteers.

While conceding that Baltimore is cleaner and healthier as a result of the voluntary clean-up, the paper’s editors found fault with the fact that the person who organized the clean-up is a Trump supporter. “If it had been anyone else, we would’ve been okay with it,” the editors wrote. “But having a Trump supporter do a good deed conflicts with the narrative that the President and his followers are a malevolent force in our nation. Undermining this narrative has a far greater negative impact on the ultimate objective of ousting this man from office than the petty gain of improving the lives of those living in our City’s slums.”

“The invasion of these good Samaritans and the quick results achieved also mocks the City Government’s indolence and ineffectiveness,” the editors added. “This lends credibility to President Trump’s charge that the government has wasted billions of dollars in aid received from the feds. The comments of slum dwellers thanking the volunteers and President Trump for inspiring their efforts presages an ominous desertion of minority voters from the Democratic Party. This threatens the progressive future this newspaper has been pushing for the City and America. Our only consolation is that the inhabitants of these slums are likely to undo the clean-up in a very short period of time and return their neighborhoods to their normal decayed and decrepit state.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

NY Bans Arming Teachers

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite a study by the Crime Prevention Research Center showing that nearly 90 percent of the mass shootings in America occur in “gun-free zones,” the New York legislature has just enacted a law that bans schools from allowing teachers licensed to carry firearms to bring their weapons onto school grounds.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) characterized the new law as a “nonproliferation measure. The answer to gun violence never will be more guns. The notion that a so-called ‘good guy with a gun’ is an appropriate response to deter a so-called ‘bad guy with a gun’ is absurd. Teachers aren’t qualified to assess the motives of shooters who target students. Arming them would turn schools into free-fire zones and potentially result in increased casualties. It is better for students, teachers, and staff to hunker down and wait for police to arrive.”

Waiting for police to arrive was a key factor in the high casualty figures in the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida last year. Nevertheless, sponsor of the New York legislation State Senator Todd Kaminsky (D-Long Island) averred that “it is better to endure a massacre that to have teachers dirty their hands by shedding the blood of a deranged assailant. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. Innocent victims die with a clear conscience. Combatants violate the ‘thou shall not kill’ commandment.”

Harris Blames Russia

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) blamed Russia for the criticism leveled against her by rival contender Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) at the debate on Wednesday. Gabbard charged that as California Attorney General Harris cruelly prosecuted and incarcerated more than 1500 persons for mere possession of marijuana, even though Harris herself boasted of smoking weed during her college years. Gabbard also accused Harris of withholding exculpatory evidence in a case that put a man on death row.

While the facts support Gabbard’s charges, Harris complained that “Gabbard isn’t smart enough to have discovered these things on her own. She must have had help from the Russians. Haven’t the Russians already done sufficient damage to our democracy by helping Trump win in 2016? Are we going to stand by and allow them to advance the candidacy of a person with zero to one percent support in the polls by attacking the most qualified candidate running for president?”

Man Makes $1,000/Weekend Panhandling

In an effort to boost his flagging hopes, presidential candidate former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-Tex) glommed onto the case of an Abilene man as an example of “a more humane economic policy than the work-work-work model that President Trump has been imposing on our country.”

In Abilene, an individual posing as a wheelchair-bound homeless man has been raking in an average of $1,000 per week begging for money at the intersection of Hwy 83/84 and FM 707 every Saturday and Sunday. The man is neither disabled nor homeless. He characterizes his activity as “street theater. I play a part and my audience rewards me for my performance.”

O’Rourke praised “the creative ingenuity that can serve as an example of how individuals can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and enjoy a better life. It’s not entirely unlike my own story where I’ve played the part of a trans-Latino and been rewarded by voters electing me to Congress for my performance. We have millions of street corners in America where others can emulate this man. It’s less confining than a regular job. A person is his own boss. He can set his own hours. He can enjoy more leisure time.”

The former Congressman vowed “to establish a program to train others on how to exploit this virtually untapped opportunity if I’m fortunate enough to be elected president in 2020.”

Candidate Advocates Christian Government

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg lambasted Christians for supporting President Trump.

“Trump makes a big show of supporting religious freedom, but ignores Christian obligations,” the Mayor said. “It was Jesus who pointed out that money was the domain of Caesar and that it was our obligation to render it unto Caesar. Well, in this day and age ‘Caesar’ is the government. It is our obligation to hand over our money to the government so it can do the charitable work that Jesus asked us to do. But what has Trump done? He’s pushed a tax cut through Congress that reduces the amount of money that the government takes out of our income.”

“Worse, Trump has initiated policies that encourage people to take jobs they’d rather not take,” Buttigieg complained. “The number of people receiving unemployment benefits has declined under his administration. So has the number of people on food stamps. If we want to be true to our Christian values we should support pooling all of the country’s wealth so the government can assure a fair distribution to all of God’s children.”

“Squad” Members Endorse Violence

In an interview on Ebro in the Morning, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that “marginalized people have no choice but to riot. Republicans say that people should get jobs to support themselves. But the jobs available may not offer adequate compensation. The only fair option is to take what you need by force. Typically this means looting retail stores. The saner policy is for the government to seize the wealth withheld by the capitalist oppressors and redistribute it to those in need.”

Meanwhile, the Minnesota congressional district served by Rep. Ilhan Omar (D), leads the nation in volunteers joining the Islamic jihad against unbelievers. Omar defended this pattern, calling it “an exercise of the religious freedom guaranteed by the US Constitution. Muslims have a religious obligation to fight for the spread of the faith. If unbelievers won’t voluntarily convert it is our duty to force them to submit and pay the jizya or be slain. I have the privilege of working within the government to pursue this objective. Others on the outside must have the freedom to do some things until all the world is for Allah.”

Wages Rise for 99 Percent of Workers

According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA), 99% of those employed have seen wages rise since Trump became president. The gains have positively impacted all demographic and ethnic groups.

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), whose campaign is founded on the claim that Trump’s policies have “devastated the economy,” pointed out that “the benefits haven’t been uniform. For one, 99% isn’t everyone. Using the BEA’s figures, 1% of those in the workforce have not seen wages increase. And those outside the workforce don’t receive any benefit from wage increases.”

Warren went on to say that “to combat these lopsided and blatantly inequitable results my Green New Deal plan calls for higher taxes on those who have benefited and redistribution to those who haven’t. Those who are able to work must share their gains with those in need. In theory, they should do this out of a sense of moral obligation. Practically, though, history has shown that government has had to use force to achieve universal compliance. I am the only candidate who has a plan to make that happen.”

However, a study, released by the Competitive Enterprise Institute estimated that her Green New Deal plan would cost the average household at least $70,000 in the first year of its roll out, and $250,000 over five years—an amount that Warren insists “is a bargain compared to the alternative of the runaway prosperity and environmental catastrophe that will result from Trump’s policies.”

Trump Criticism of Baltimore Assailed

President Trump’s criticism of the rampant crime, corruption and filth that pervades the City of Baltimore was characterized as “racist” by his political opponents in the Democratic Party and the media.

Though Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) had previously made similar criticisms of the city, he took offense at “the president’s insensitive remarks. It is one thing for those of us who have had to suffer the decades of misgovernment to complain. It is quite another for a white outsider to dare to expose it to the world. That’s racist.”

Trump pointed out that “Cummings has represented the worst portions of Baltimore for more than 20 years in Congress. Yet, conditions in his district are worse than when he started. Last year, the federal government provided $16 billion in aid to try to improve living conditions in Baltimore. Where has this money gone? Why hasn’t the garbage been cleaned up and the rats exterminated? Why haven’t the criminals been arrested?”

Cummings brushed off Trump’s criticisms by reminding him that “it was the last three mayors who stole the City’s money. I am not the one responsible for their corruption. I am not the one who has tied the hands of the police. My job has been to lobby for more federal aid to the City—an effort that has largely been successful.”

The president was not impressed by Cummings’ attempt to doge responsibility. “He knew the Democrat mayors were corrupt,” Trump observed. “Yet he made no effort to rein-in their embezzlement. Instead, he acted as an agent for the transfer of taxpayers’ money out of the federal treasury and into their corrupt hands. He has abetted theft and ignored his duty to serve his constituents.”

Despite all the assertions that Trump is a racist, a study published by the University of Pennsylvania found that contrary to the media narrative, white racial prejudice against African Americans and Hispanic Americans has declined since Trump’s election.

Senator Smuggles Illegal Across Border

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) personally aided the illegal entry of a pregnant immigrant “so she can have her anchor baby in the United States, as is her right.”

Wyden called international boundaries “unnatural impediments to the free migration of people and wildlife. It is everyone’s human right to live wherever they wish. It is our obligation to admit them and provide them with everything they need to enjoy the kind of life they desire. This includes free health care, food, housing, and spending money for the extras—cell phones, high-def cable TV, vacations, fashionable clothing—that make life more enjoyable.”

The Senator also called for “expeditious naturalization so they will have the political heft to sustain their benefits via voting for representative who will maintain and augment these benefits. Ideally, this woman and her compatriots will vote for me in my 2020 reelection bid.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.