By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Now that he has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is free to indulge in his favorite pastime—shafting the citizens and residents who fall under his governance. The newest bit of tyranny from the Mayor is the enactment of an ordinance that imposes hefty fines on anyone using the phrase “illegal alien” or the word “illegals.”

“We determined that our ongoing policy of shielding accused rapists and murderers from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents is not enough to discourage attitudes of hostility toward individuals who have entered the country without complying with the red tape prescribed by federal statutes,” de Blasio said. “I decided we need to go the extra mile to persuade citizens and legal residents of our city to keep their hostile opinions to themselves.”

De Blasio contrasted that “this admittedly moderate and weak deterrent isn’t what Lenin did to crush counterrevolutionaries opposed to the transformation of Russia into a socialist state,” but justified it as “about as far as we can go for now. Once the Democratic Party has obtained full control of congress and the presidency a more rigorous effort to cleanse the entire nation of errant modes of thought can be implemented.”

Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

The Congressman also espied “a double standard in Trump’s actions. Back in 2011 a ‘rookie’ reporter by the name of Chelsea Clinton snagged a $600,000 a year salary as an NBC ‘soft news’ specialist. Her salary was four to five times that of other NBC rookie reporters. Trump never challenged this. Everyone viewed it as payback for all the sacrifices her parents had made in their decades of public service. Well, Joe Biden has given America four decades of public service. We should be grateful that he took the initiative to arrange a payback for his lone surviving son. Trump’s hypocrisy in these two virtually identical instances is reprehensible.”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Schiff’s charges saying “The president of the United States has betrayed our country. Joe Biden didn’t inherit a billion dollars. He, like Bill and I, had to claw his way to the top using every bit of the influence granted by the voters in our political system. This social mobility is crucial to our way of government. Trump’s assault on it undermines justice. We must act. He is a clear and present danger to the things that keep us strong and free. I pray that our guardians within the government will be able to save us from this danger.”

Former Massachusetts Gov. and current candidate for the Republican presidential nomination Bill Weld agreed with Schiff and Clinton, advising that “we stop tip-toeing around the issue. Trump’s phone call was treasonous. He ought to be executed.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

Wall Street Warns Warren

Corporate Financiers and big business executives who normally donate to the Democratic Party have expressed uneasiness with the aggressively socialist policy prescriptions of the party’s 2020 presidential contenders. One frightened donor averred that “we can tolerate the Party’s longstanding practice of taking a piece of the action on programs that funnel money to our firms, but now it sounds like they want to carve us up like the proverbial golden goose. I don’t know how we can continue to fund candidates intent on punishing us.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) professed herself “untroubled by talk of a corporate reluctance to donate to my campaign. We’re keeping meticulous records on who is with us and who is not. I mean to abolish capitalism to achieve social justice. Those who help me win the presidency will earn social credits that may come in handy when the demolition begins. It won’t save their unjustified wealth, but it may save their lives. Given the inevitability of our success, I think these guys will be smart enough to accept roles administering the government bureaus and departments that will be needed to run the economy, especially when the alternative will be to find themselves out on the street with no salable skills.”

Warren insisted that “my policies will be merciful. I will also cancel all city and state ordinances, laws, and regulations that bar people from living on the streets and in public parks. Displaced employees and business owners will be able to avail themselves of rent-free accommodations in any part of the United States. An added upside will be the significant reduction in the carbon footprint this lifestyle enables.”

The Senator also triumphantly cited a Cato Institute and YouGov report–“2019 Welfare, Work, and Wealth National Survey”–finding that 47 percent of Americans with strongly favorable views of socialism think “citizens taking violent action against the rich is sometimes acceptable” and that 36 percent of strong liberals and 35% of Americans under 30 agree. “These are the people who will spearhead the socialist revolution and carry me to victory in next year’s election,” she declared.

Dems Denounce GOP Efforts to “Red Flag” Gang Members

House Democrats bristled over efforts to apply so-called “red flag” laws as a means of disarming violent criminals. House Judiciary Chairman Nadler (D-NY) called the GOP effort “racist and inhumane. The kind of people they want to target live outside the law. These people need guns for their own protection and to earn a living. If you’re a gang member you can’t expect someone to give you money just because you ask. You have to have the ability to persuade that person to surrender his wallet, watch, or cell phone. Access to a firearm greatly improves the odds of successful persuasion.”

Nadler also accused Republicans of trying to divert attention from the fact that “a much larger number of guns are in the hands of non-gang members. The guns in the hands of criminals are a tiny fraction of the total compared to the fraction owned by the general population. The purpose of the ‘red flag’ law is to give ordinary people the option to have police disarm a suicidal relative or friend. Most people don’t know that the number of suicides are almost double the number of murders. We should be focusing on the larger threat to life and not be misled by GOP manufactured hysteria over the lesser evil.”

Sanders Calls for “National Wealth Registry”

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) called for a “National Wealth Registry” to be established as part of his plan to “eliminate billionaires in America. Just as a registry of gun owners is necessary if we hope to confiscate privately owned firearms, a list of who is wealthy must be established so we can transfer this undeserved money to the government for redistribution.”

A key part of Sanders’ plan includes a ban on taking funds out of the country. “We’re not saying that those targeted for expropriation can’t leave,” he said. “But their money has to stay here so the government can put it to better use than the capitalistic profiteering and selfish greed that have been the primary activities of these social parasites.”

The Senator expressed confidence that “the expertise of the IRS and comprehensive surveillance by the NSA will interdict schemes to try to sneak money across the border. We will redirect ICE from the task of keeping people out to keeping people in until they have surrendered all their assets. The walls wrongly built to prevent the needy from claiming their fair share of America’s wealth will help ensure that the rich cannot abscond with what doesn’t rightly belong to them.”

In related news, Sanders called a poll finding showing that 51% of young voters fear that humanity could be wiped out in 15 years “excessively negative. I have long held that humans are the biggest threat to the planet of any species. I have done my part by not fathering any children, that I know of. If everyone had been as insightful and unselfish as me we wouldn’t have to fear the extinction of humanity. We’d be well on our way toward achieving it.”

Canada Launches Nationwide Manhunt

The appearance of posters asking “what if Islam is not a religion of peace?” has inspired authorities to launch a nationwide search for the person who plastered these posters in a variety of prominent public places. The postings are considered especially insidious because “many are posted too high for offended parties to easily rip down.”

The Alberta Muslim Public Affairs Council is working with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police “to try to apprehend the miscreant or miscreants who have done this dastardly deed,” said programs director Trent Daley. “They’re playing with fire. Muslims are very sensitive to comments that cast aspersions on their faith. The Quran explicitly commands Muslims to attack unbelievers who insult Islam.”

Social activist Jim Gurnett asserted that “questioning the tenets of Islam is a manifestation of pure hate that must never be tolerated. Christianity and Judaism have a long tradition of theological debate and disputation that has blinded members of these faiths from seeing the irreversible damage that a similar approach would inflict on Islam. The charm of Muslims is their unquestioning belief in the Quran. Their happiness is dependent on their absence of doubt. Disturbing this is cruel.”

Strathcona County councillor Brian Botterill characterized the posted question as “racist” and urged “anyone spotting one of the posters to contact the appropriate authorities. I know that strictly speaking, Muslims are not a race, per se. Perhaps the more accurate term for the poster might be ‘anti-Muslim,’ but that doesn’t have the same emotional impact that the term ‘racist’ has. If we are going to maximize hostility toward the poster we should not shy away from using the most scurrilous language on account of a fastidious devotion to accuracy.”

Schumer Declares: Transcript of Ukraine Call “Not Enough”

Convinced that President Trump would never agree to release a transcript of his July phone call with Ukraine’s President Zelensky, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) was forced to change course when an unredacted copy landed on his desk this week.

“This document does not contain the incriminating evidence we anticipated,” the Senator complained. “We are not assuaged. Let me remind everyone that President Trump is known to have made dozens of phone calls everyday. In order to put this one phone call in context we will need to see transcripts of all the calls he has made or received since his election. Only then will the pattern of his criminal and tyrannical abuse of office be exposed to the scrutiny of the American voters.”

Schumer rejected objections that his call for transcripts would impede future presidents’ ability to conduct confidential conversations with world leaders, saying that “my request is limited to only this president and, possibly, any future Republican president. Democratic presidents have demonstrated that they can be trusted to engage in secret conversations without endangering the country, the Constitution, or our laws. We had nothing to fear when Obama was president and will have nothing to fear when Warren, Sanders, Biden or whoever wins the office in November 2020.”

In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff claimed an “ability to read between the lines of the transcript” where he says he discovered the phrases “give him an offer he can’t refuse,” “ it was Barzini all along,” and “leave the gun, take the cannoli.” “We have a mob boss as our president,” Schiff shrieked. “We’ve got to take this guy out for the good of the country. It’s the only way to preserve our democracy.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to outflank his Democratic presidential rivals, entrepreneur Andrew Yang vowed to “severely curtail the consumption of meat” and “do away with privately owned and operated automobiles.”

Yang contrasted “my honesty with the deceptive presentations of the other Democrats running for president. Their implication that all it will take to battle climate doom is to tax the rich and tout this as the height of virtue won’t cut it. There isn’t enough money in the hands of rich people to pay for the kind of gut-wrenching changes in behavior that are required. Ninety-nine percent of the population is not rich. These are the people who will have to make the necessary sacrifices if we hope to save the planet.”

The candidate’s “two-pronged approach would entail measures like higher taxes and strict regulations to price meat out of the budget for ordinary consumers and outlawing private citizens from owning automobiles. The ‘impossible burger’ invented by Burger King shows how those who crave the taste of meat can be satisfied with veggie patties. The emergence of driver-less vehicles shows how an ‘Uber-type’ fleet could serve all needs for individualized travel.”

Yang tried to reassure everyone that “important travel by important persons like government officers would, of course, be accommodated by having automobiles set aside for their exclusive use. Likewise, meat, while prohibitively expensive for most, would still be available for crucial occasions like state dinners with foreign dignitaries.”

GOP Candidate Seeks Votes of Fellow Pessimists

Former Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill) says he wants to give voters who, like himself, have given up on America a choice in the 2020 election. “The Republican Party has become unrecognizable to me since Donald Trump has become president,” Walsh complained. “He has turned the venerable party of convivial losers into bare-knuckle brawlers vying for control of the government against our estimable friends on the other side.”

Walsh says he is “particularly disturbed by the interruption of the transformation set in motion by former President Obama. Trump has unleashed an uncomfortable acceleration in economic growth that threatens to scramble social classes. Minorities that have been successfully controlled by economy-stagnating federal policies and sedating welfare benefits are being lured into degrading wage-slavery and the uppity attitudes that inevitably follow from self-sufficiency. I’m running to offer Republican voters a chance to veto this dangerous u-turn from the comfortable trajectory we were on a scant three years ago.”

Presidential Candidate Drops Out

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, blaming “the ingratitude of Democratic voters for the unique perspectives I’ve brought to the campaign.”

Among the “unique” perspectives cited by the Mayor were “the overlooked progress I’ve made in converting New York into a model society. I’ve championed efforts to unlink compensation from work or achievement. My programs have gone a long way toward enhancing the habitat for urban vermin and allowed their populations to increase. San Francisco and Los Angeles have been garnering most of the headlines and few Democrats are aware of the leadership I’ve demonstrated in this area.”

De Blasio also blamed President Trump for “unfairly ignoring New York and hyping the west coast cities. Our taxes are at least as high. Our rats are among the biggest in the country. Mentally deranged humans roam freely throughout the streets. We have driven more capitalist exploiters out of the state than any other city in America. It is shameful that as a native New Yorker himself Trump has chosen to boost the accomplishments of California to our detriment.”

As if to rub it in, this week the Trump Administration filed a “Notice of Environment Violation” against San Francisco citing the runoff from human feces and used syringes deposited on the streets by the homeless. San Francisco Mayor London Breed called the move “an intrusion on our sovereign right to govern this city as we see fit. If voters become displeased with what we’re doing they can elect someone else.” The Trump Administration also rebuffed a Los Angeles appeal for federal aid to assist its homeless program, arguing that “it would be unfair to tax the whole nation for the expense of cleaning up a mess caused by poor local policies. Excreting bodily waste onto the streets is illegal. Taking dangerous drugs is illegal. Harassing passersby demanding handouts is illegal. If the City were to make a genuine effort to enforce the law and still needs federal assistance then we could talk.”

Buttigieg Tries to Appear More “Moderate”

Angling to position himself as a “moderate” in hopes of garnering the votes of Democrats alarmed by the continuing incoherence of doddering “moderate” former Vice-President Joe Biden, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a swipe at rival candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s “extremely evasive” stance on her Medicare for all health plan.

“Did you see her on the Colbert show?” the Mayor asked. “When a loyal progressive like Colbert is left mystified by how she plans to pay for this extravaganza everyone should be concerned. It’s looking more like her ‘plan for that’ meme is to promise the undeliverable and obscure the massive costs by simply ignoring them. At least Sen. Sanders admits that his virtually identical plan requires middle-class tax hikes.”

In a similar vein, Buttigieg sought to differentiate himself from LBTG extremists by alleging his “disgust with the flagrantly outrageous flaunting of stereotypical ‘gay’ lifestyles, garish costumes, and clownish antics. It smears us normal gays who want a more traditional life of marriage and children by implying that all gays are self-destructive social misfits.”

In related news, Buttigieg worried that “the most tragic outcome stemming from the discovery of more than 2,000 bodies of aborted babies found in the home of Dr. Ulrich Klopfer after his recent death would be for women to alter their decision to abort an unwanted child. In the big scheme of things, the idiosyncratic hoarding of fetal remains by Klopfer is a minor concern when juxtaposed to the tremendous health benefits of the procedure.”

Sanders Supports Asylum for Climate Refugees

Democratic presidential contender Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders says he is “positively disposed to accepting climate change refugees into this country. Many rich people have multiple residences in different parts of the United States or the world where they can go when the weather is bad. Poor people deserve this same option.”

Sanders suggested that “we create a line item in the federal budget to fund the transportation and lodging costs of anyone who wants to come to America because of the climate in their country of origin. It’s not fair that these people should be forced to endure uncomfortable living conditions just because they were unlucky enough to be born in a foreign land where air conditioning is unavailable or unaffordable. It is their human right to live where they please. It is our obligation to enforce this universal human right.”

To put your money where his mouth is, the Senator unveiled his $2.5 trillion “Housing for All” plan. “Responsible societies don’t let anyone suffer from lack of adequate housing,” he contended. “Governments have a solemn obligation to provide this necessity for everyone who can’t afford it.”

The enormous cost of his plan is due to Sanders’ insistence that “we need to go beyond the stark kinds of public housing we’ve been offering and give the poor the kinds of amenities that the middle class has—a nice house in a good neighborhood with good public schools and a low crime rate.” The prognosis for this plan is not favorable. Middle class neighborhoods are “good” because the inhabitants have to work hard to make them that way. With their own money on the line houses tend to be more well-maintained than the heavily subsidized housing government provides for persons unable or unwilling to work to sustain their cost of living. The absence of this incentive in the Sanders plan works against its intended beneficence.

Clinton Accuses Trump of Election Violation

Former Secretary of State and loser to Trump in the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton called reports that President Trump had spoken with a Ukrainian leader “collusion with a foreign power to help him win an election.” Her charge was sparked by an unconfirmed report that Trump has suggested that Ukraine “take a look at a boast by then Vice-President Joe Biden that his threat to cancel US aid to Ukraine persuaded that government to drop an investigation into a questionable business deal between Biden’s son and a Ukrainian company.

While it is plausible to posit that evidence of corruption involving Biden could help Trump in a future election in which the two were opposing candidates, it is also plausible to posit that potentially corrupt deals aided by overt extortion might be worthy of a more thorough examination. Nevertheless, an irate and vengeful Clinton demanded that Trump’s phone call be added to “the list of impeachable offenses being amassed by the House of Representatives.”

Clinton contrasted “Trump’s abuse of presidential authority” with her 2016 “campaign’s honest purchase of damaging intelligence” compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. “We used contributions freely given by private individuals who supported my election. There was no misuse of government authority to try to sway an election. And even if there were, I didn’t win so I can’t be impeached. Besides, there is also the issue of double jeopardy. Since my husband was impeached and acquitted, under the law of community property if I ever become president I would be immune to impeachment.”

Trump Cash to Be Added to Impeachment Inquiry

A photo of President Trump boarding Air Force One with a wad of twenty-dollars bills in his back pocket has spurred new charges of impropriety on his part. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) wondered “why would a president need to carry cash around? The standard practice for previous presidents was to order some nearby underling to pay for whatever he needs. Trump’s deviation raises serious questions about his fitness for the job.”

For his part, Trump claims that “the cash is for tips. When a working person does me a service I like to tip him. That’s what I’ve always done. I can’t imagine why a president should expect someone else to pay the tip or to not give one. Tips make up a significant part of the income for many jobs. I don’t think it’s right to stiff these people.”

Nadler wasn’t swayed by the president’s explanation, saying that “I could see carrying some singles or loose change if tipping were the real purpose. A twenty is too much. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that Trump is attempting to buy the votes of these working people by feigning generosity with his own money. It’s the Democratic Party that champions the working man. Trump seems to be trespassing where he doesn’t belong.”

The Congressman also called the startling increases in employment achieved since Trump became president “suspicious. I think we can see a pattern here insidiously designed to overturn norms that have prevailed since the 1930s. This blatant attempt to alienate the affection of working people for the Democratic Party has ominous implications for the future of this country. We have an obligation to thoroughly investigate that to see if there is a political motivation behind it.”

In related news, an alternative to impeachment was envisioned by comedian Shane Gillis. Fresh off his ouster as a cast member of Saturday Night Live for the upcoming season, he told an audience foolish enough to pay good money to see his act that “of all the presidents I’ve been alive for, Trump would definitely be the funniest one to see get shot. He’d definitely make a funny noise when he got hit.” Gillis lamented that “I wasn’t alive when Reagan was shot, but I probably would’ve thought that was pretty funny too.”

Obama Mocks Trump’s TV Watching

Former president, and current Netflix TV show producer, Barack Obama mocked President Trump’s TV viewing habit, calling it “unpresidential and unnecessary. Presidents have a multitude of aides and advisers whose jobs are to keep him informed about all the important things going on. Trying to go it alone is wasted effort. He should just sit back and enjoy the perks. The government can pretty much run on its own without the president having to lift a finger.”

Obama also admitted that “I don’t watch TV. Most of it is crap. The so-called news shows are as phony as WWF wrestling. You know, everybody’s got their role to play. Only idiots would rely on TV to tell them what’s going on in the world. Apparently and sadly, Trump seems to be one of them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The seven-hour marathon Democrat town hall on climate change broadcast by CNN gave free rein to the worst impulses of the presidential contenders who participated. Even those who couldn’t participate chimed in later with their own coercive schemes designed to radically transform and impoverish everyone in order to save the planet from a vividly imagined doom that lies just over the horizon.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) vowed to ban all fossil fuels by the year 2035. She characterized her plan as “more practical and merciful than Sen. Sanders’ plan to nationalize all the power companies. On the one hand, we all know that government-owned businesses are terribly inefficient. Poorly motivated employees hog-tied by oppressive bureaucratic red tape are a recipe for failure. My approach would mercifully kill off the fossil fuel industry and free up those currently employed to pursue more environmentally-friendly occupations like gathering fruits, nuts, and wild herbs.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden correctly observed that China is the world’s largest contributor to the type of emissions that are linked to global warming and chided his rivals for overlooking this fact. He went on to promise that “one of my first acts as president will be to appoint my son Hunter to negotiate with the Chinese. He already has substantial business interests in China and has made many contacts. Hopefully we can revive the comity that existed between our two countries when Barack was president.”

Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke (Tx) warned that “our communities will soon be uninhabitable. Look at what’s going on in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle. Rising global temperatures are sapping the energy of those in the homeless encampments to the extent that many are too weak to make it to the public lavatories provided for them and are forced to shit in the street just outside of their tents. These people are our ‘canaries in the coal mine.’ We ignore them at our peril.” O’Rourke went on to advise “constructing wind turbines at 100-yard intervals in every city to replace fossil fuels and cool overheated tent cities,” insisting that “the $100 trillion estimated cost would be money well-spent.”

Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says she will impose a “climate pollution tax against everyone who uses fossil fuels. This will dramatically increase the cost of using these fuels and encourage more conservation. People will travel and consume less. The $10 trillion raised by this levy will enable the government to make wiser uses of these resources than would be the case if the money were left in the irresponsible hands of selfish individuals.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) advocated a radical population reduction program in which “the U.S. government provides a generous subsidy to the poor in Africa and Asia who are willing to abort their children. This will nip the demand for the material excesses that tempt people to engage in behaviors that harm the planet. I would combine this with the ingenious suggestion made by Swedish behavioral scientist Magnus Söderlund that we curb the demand for flatulence-emitting cattle by eating the corpses of people who have died. I expect that aborted fetuses would be especially tender and in high demand in the future we progressives are trying to build.”

All of the Democratic candidates firmly opposed fracking and nuclear power despite their positive impact on reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) explained that “shifting demand toward cleaner energy that’s affordable relieves people from making the kind of sacrifices we feel they need to make. Suffering for a great cause like slowing global warming brings people together. It’s uplifting and spiritually satisfying. We reject the GOP’s determination to deny this opportunity to the American population.”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg seconded Booker’s take, saying that “climate change is our generation’s World War II. Just as the free world banded together to fight fascism, we deserve the opportunity to band together to fight global warming. Just as the American people gave up many of their rights during WWII, Americans of today should look forward to reliving that effort and that era against today’s even greater threat of climate change.”

The CNN event inspired a tweet from President Trump mocking his Democratic rivals. “I thought that the event would be totally boring. The monotony of having to listen to these candidates’ drone on was every bit as dull as I expected. However, the repetition of insane and destructive policies from one-after-another of the would-be future presidents should persuade voters who love this country that none of these lunatics should ever be given the power that they crave.”

Senator Calls for More Censorship

Sen. Ron Wyden, (D-OR) threatened CEO Mark Zuckerberg with incarceration if he doesn’t do a better job of censoring the content posted on Facebook. “I know Mr. Zuckerberg thinks he’s done enough with his algorithms that dampen access to content that deviates from acceptable parameters of political discussion,” Wyden said. “He fears to go further due to the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of speech. But I want to remind him that it is not within his purview to determine the boundaries of freedom of speech.”

“The First Amendment is what creates the biggest opportunity for hate speech,” the Senator asserted. “People who previously had no affordable way of communicating their anti-progressive ideas can now reach millions via social media. Tech companies need to be far more vigorous about identifying, fingerprinting, and blocking content from these individuals. If these companies can’t do this their executives need to be fined or imprisoned.”

Smollett Lawyers Blame Police for Believing Jussie

Lawyers for “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett seek to avoid him paying for the $130,000 cost of investigating his claim that he was attacked by racists wearing “Make America Great Again” hats, by asserting that “it was the police’s fault for taking him serious.”

“Jussie’s story was so implausible that only an idiot wouldn’t have realized that it was bogus,” claimed Abe Aweasel, Smollett’s lead attorney. “The alleged after midnight assault on one of the coldest nights of the year by two white men in a black neighborhood was risible on its face. Add to this the fact that Jussie was unharmed and his Subway sandwich fully intact and it is clear that no investigation should’ve been undertaken.”

“The 1800 hours of police work that ensued was an incompetent waste of city resources,” Aweasel pointed out. “The attempt to collect the cost of this incompetence from our client is, itself, a racist assault on this troubled young man. The damage to his acting career from the revelation that the assault was a hoax will cost our client millions of dollars in future earnings. Mr. Smollett is the aggrieved party here and a counter suit to recover these lost earnings is fully warranted.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is expected to drop demands for compensation from Smollett on the grounds that “as a gay black man Jussie has already suffered enough from the poisonous racism and homophobia he has had to face all his life. In my review of the facts of the case I have to say that the humongous police effort on this case was not warranted. While they may have bent over backward to try to placate his initial accusation, simple common sense should have dissuaded them from doing any more than taking down his incoherent statement and putting it in the file.”

Candidate Takes Credit for Averting Hurricane Disaster

Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson took credit for enabling the United States to avoid the type of destruction Hurricane Dorian wreaked on the Bahamas.

“While others have been quick to dismiss my campaign based on the power of love, it should be clear by now that I am the one candidate who is on the right track for healing this country,” Williamson boasted. “A few days ago I called for all those who love America to concentrate their thoughts on diverting Dorian from damaging the United States. While we were not completely successful, I am pleased to note that both the path of the storm and its intensity were dramatically altered by our efforts.”

The candidate contrasted the fate of the Bahamas, where 75% of the homes were submerged by the hurricane’s sea surge, to the much milder impacts observed on the United States’ east coast. “I regret that my brain power wasn’t able to save the Bahamas,” she said. “We probably could have done better if I were already the US president. I could have used the ‘bully pulpit’ of the presidency to recruit more people to focus their minds on abating the hurricane at an earlier stage and saved many more lives.”

Williamson compared “my unquestionably positive approach with Sen. Sanders’ crusty chastisement of people who live near the ocean, calling them ‘the architects of their own fate.’ Well, no one should be forced to be the architect of their own fate. All humanity needs to act as a single unit to guide everyone to the happiness promised all by the Declaration of Independence.”

SF Declares NRA “Terrorist Organization”

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors unanimously approved a resolution designating the National Rifle Association a “domestic terrorist organization.” While the NRA has taken no actions to terrorize anyone, District 2 Supervisor Catherine Stefani maintained that “their continued support for the Second Amendment is terrifying to me. The idea that every American should have the right to own a gun despite the government’s preference that they not, undermines respect for authority.”

Stefani characterized the NRA’s position as “an anachronism. At one time firearms were a very useful tool for bagging game and feeding the family. But now they are unnecessary. Even if we were to concede that eating meat is an acceptable dietary choice, we have supermarkets to supply this commodity.”

Stefani rejected the contention that the right to bear arms could be a valid check on government, saying “the so-called tyranny that sparked the American Revolution was a reasonable government effort to preserve order and obedience. If the British had succeeded in seizing the weapons stashed at Concord, Massachusetts the rebellion would have been averted, lives spared, and we’d still be enjoying the liberties currently allowed to all British subjects. Though we lost that opportunity back in 1776, I see no need to repeat the mistake of trying to preserve a means of resisting duly appointed authorities in today’s America. Clearly then, the NRA is as much of a terrorist threat as the so-called Sons of Liberty were so long ago.”

Former Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary and current 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro hailed the San Francisco action, calling it “a shining example for others to follow. The notion that our government could ever become tyrannical is absurd. Our government is a democracy. All of its laws and regulations are inherently legitimate enactments of the people. If the government decides to confiscate firearms that would be the people’s will and, consequently, not tyrannical.”

Castro’s assurance that the US government could never become tyrannical was cast into doubt by the US Department of Justice’s demand that Apple and Google hand over the names and phone numbers of 10,000 individuals who downloaded of Obsidian 4, a rifle scope app, from one or the other of the websites.

In related news, Maine has been named the safest state in America since the enactment of a “Constitutional Carry” law in 2015 that allowed residents to carry a concealed firearm without having to have a permit. In second place is Vermont, which is also a “constitutional carry” state.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program. This post is also available on Facebook.

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