By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The two Congressional Democrats conducting the secret trial of President Trump denounced Attorney General William Barr’s decision to open a criminal investigation of the origins of the FBI/Obama Administration’s efforts to prevent Trump’s election in 2016.

In a joint statement from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) the two complained that “using the Department of Justice to investigate a political matter is a clear abuse of authority. It makes the DOJ co-conspirators with the Republican senators who have condemned our confidential effort to generate sufficient revulsion among the general population to inspire Republicans to join us in ousting Trump from office.”

Schiff decried “the defective character exhibited by Barr’s refusal to recuse himself like his predecessor Sessions did. Sessions may have had his faults, but he put country ahead of party when it came to rooting out the Russian collusion that illegally kept Secretary Clinton from rightfully ascending to the presidency. By his decision today Barr is daring us to add his name to the list of persons who must be punished for actions aiding and abetting the crimes of Donald Trump.”

Barr took the criticism as “proof we’re on the trail of the actual would-be usurpers of the people’s right to choose who they want as president. For two years, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller ranged far and wide in search of evidence against President Trump and was forced to admit that he could find none. At the same time, the behaviors of notable figures in the FBI and CIA between Trump’s announcement he would run for president and today appear to be outside the scope of their legal authority. As I said prior to being confirmed as AG, government spying on a candidate is a big deal. We are going to impanel a grand jury to hear evidence aimed at determining who was responsible for the crimes of these agencies.”

Scheme to Outlaw Gas-Powered Vehicles Hatched

Senate Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has proposed legislation that would have the federal government “buy back” all motor vehicles that use fossil fuels. He says he got the idea from Democratic presidential candidate Rep, Beto O’Rourke’s plan to “buy back” firearms.

Under Schumer’s bill, the government would buy these vehicles for amounts ranging from $2500 to $4500 apiece. “The great thing about my bill is that for a cost of less than $400 billion over a ten year period we will completely eliminate these climate damaging machines,” the Senator boasted. “Hopefully, vehicle owners will voluntarily turn over their gas-guzzling, environment-destroying cars and trucks in exchange for these payments. That would be the sensible thing to do since gas stations will be abolished rendering unsurrendered vehicles obsolete. Obstinate owners would then be assessed a disposal fee to cover the government’s cost of recycling the materials of which the outlawed vehicles are constructed. It will be a win-win scenario for every American.”

Ironically, the highly touted electric vehicles Schumer’s bill would mandate are projected to have a larger negative impact on the environment when all factors are accounted for than the hated gasoline fueled vehicles he wants phased out.

Schiff Defends Restrictions on GOP Access to Documents

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) defended the restrictions he has decreed for Republican members of Congress who want to review the transcripts of the secret testimony his impeachment hearings are compiling. Under his rules there is only a single copy of the transcripts that is kept in a locked room under the constant guard of Democratic staff. Republicans wanting to see the transcripts cannot take notes and must agree to be strip searched before they are allowed to leave the room.

“Back in 2003 an individual stole and destroyed some classified documents from our National Archives,” Schiff recalled. “To prevent this type of illicit theft of government documents of vital importance to our inquiry we must take every reasonable precaution. Inasmuch as many Republicans are on record denouncing our investigation, the threat that they would similarly steal and destroy the evidence we are accumulating is palpable. If Republicans don’t like the limits I have placed on them they could do what every genuine American patriot is now doing—wait for me to reveal the evidence of Trump’s high crimes to the general public. When the time is right they’ll see all that needs to be seen on CNN.”

The 2003 theft mentioned by Schiff was carried out by Sandy Berger, former President Clinton’s National Security Advisor. Berger told a friend that he took five documents out of the Archives stuffed inside his underwear. These classified documents covering the Clinton Administration’s mishandling of terrorist threats were never recovered. Berger was allowed to plead to misdemeanor unauthorized removal of the documents and was fined $50,000, sentenced to serve two years of probation and 100 hours of community service, and stripped of his security clearance for three years. The sentencing judge explained the light penalty, saying “I didn’t want this poor fellow to end up on the list of mysterious deaths that seem to have befallen the friends and associates of the Clintons over the years.”

In related news, a group of Republicans who tried to sit in the gallery to observe the testimony being given at Schiff’s closed door hearings were declared “boring, nerdy-looking white guys” by MSNBC’s Donny Deutsch. “They fancy themselves as fighters for citizens’ constitutional rights, but they didn’t break anything. Neither did they hit or even threaten anyone. All they did was order pizzas to be delivered. At least we have Antifa on our side. They aren’t squeamish about really fighting for what we believe in. I’m glad that the Republicans showed the world what wimps they are in comparison.”

Harris Unsure If Trump Has Broken Any Laws

Former prosecutor and current contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), who claims that “Trump has already confessed,” was unable to specify what laws he has violated when asked by CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“I don’t need to know the law to know who’s a criminal,” Harris elaborated. “My experience as a prosecutor allows me to unconsciously sense such things. Some people are just bad. Whether there’s a specific statute defining a crime isn’t as important as taking bad people off the streets.”

To help bolster her case against Trump, the senator pointed to a new British initiative she thinks provides validation for her “common sense approach. They’ve got a program that says hateful behavior, even if it isn’t a crime should be punished. Some people are so bad that you shouldn’t even need evidence to know that they ought to be punished. Anyone paying attention to the news since Trump was elected know he is one of the worst people in the world. He needs to be neutralized by any means possible.”

To show that she is more than just talk, Harris pulled out of a South Carolina criminal justice forum because the organizers gave President Trump a “Bipartisan Justice Award.” “While my competitors for the 2020 presidential nomination are nattering about who can grab guns the fastest, abort babies the latest, and most thoroughly convert capitalism into socialism, I am striking a tangible blow against the Trump tyranny,” she bragged.

Romney Explains Pierre Delecto

This week it was revealed that Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has been tweeting under the name Pierre Delecto since 2011. The gist of most of the tweets was pointing out “what a swell fellow this Mitt Romney guy is crossing party lines to stand with defenders of democracy like Schiff and Nadler to take down the tyrant Trump.”

The senator alleges that “modesty was my motivation. If I had tweeted these things under my own name I would have appeared to be boastful. By using a pseudonym the compliments could be perceived as more honest and genuine. And who wouldn’t be impressed by remarks from a guy whose screen name translates as ‘Delightful Peter.’”

Mitt’s explanation has worsened his public persona. Instead of just being an unsuccessful candidate for president, he has etched his reputation as an immodest, dishonest, and cowardly self-promoter into the minds of decent folks everywhere.

Gov Vows to Block “Heartbeat” Bill

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) warned the GOP-dominated legislature to not waste time passing a bill to ban abortions after the baby’s heartbeat can be detected. “I will veto whatever bill they pass,” Wolf promised. “Some women don’t want to be mothers. They shouldn’t be forced to become mothers in order to fulfill somebody else’s moral values.”

Rep. Stephanie Borowicz (R-McElhattan), sponsor of the bill was distressed that “the governor has rejected any and all limitations on the cruel practice of killing innocent babies. Isn’t ‘life’ one of the inalienable rights that our country was founded to protect? Women determined to abort their babies can cross the border into New York where the law permits abortion even after birth. But Pennsylvania should be a place where babies are safe.”

Wolf characterized the trek to another state to get an abortion as “inhumane. A woman should enjoy the right to terminate an unwanted child in the comfort of her home state. Those who would abridge this right condemn innocent women to the involuntary servitude of having to rear a person superfluous to her chosen lifestyle.”

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A leak from inside the White House indicates that the Trump Administration is considering holding next June’s G-7 Summit at a Motel 6 in Newark, New Jersey. The leak alleges that President Trump expressed dissatisfaction with the demands for what he termed “posh accommodations at our expense. Since most of the European elites expected to attend don’t keep up with their NATO obligations to contribute to their own national defense why should we be lavish in hosting their junket to America?”

Motel 6 spokesman Tom Bodett characterized the Trump proposal “a fit example of American practicality. The G-7 attendees are all grown men and women. Surely they can cope with the no frills, low cost option we offer to weary travelers. Our motels don’t have grand ballrooms, but our smaller meeting rooms can handle the necessary participants representing the seven countries.”

In contrast, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced this rumored move as “an insult to our long-term allies,” calling it “completely out of the question. We’re not talking about putting up the sort of deplorables who voted for Trump. We’re talking about the world’s best and brightest, the people who govern the masses. These leaders need to receive the same type of accommodations that have been customary for persons of their social ranking since the days of the Roman Empire. Clearly, this is yet another demonstration of Trump’s lack of fitness for the office. It is another impeachable offense committed in full view of the voters.”

Beto Cites Waco Operation as Model for Gun Seizures

Democratic presidential candidate former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke pushed back against criticism that his gun confiscation plan is unrealistic by citing “the successful 1993 action against gun scofflaws in Waco taken by the Clinton Administration. Here we had a cult armed to the teeth. Attorney General Janet Reno didn’t hesitate to use force to achieve the disarmament of these dangerous misfits. All I’m proposing is that we use the same courageous proactive approach toward today’s anti-government traitors and terrorists.”

“I am pleased to see that Democrats in the House are advancing a bill that would authorize the disarming of any person deemed a danger to society,” the Candidate added. The bill—The Extreme Risk Protection Order Act of 2019—introduced by Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-Calif) would authorized law enforcement to seize firearms from persons identified as dangerous by another person or persons who feel threatened.

Strangely, Democrats rejected a proposed amendment from Republicans that would’ve added criminal gang members as prospective persons to be disarmed. Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo) pointed out that “the majority of violent crime, including gun violence, in the United States is linked to gangs.” Carbajal defended rejection of the GOP amendment, explaining that “gang members live outside the law. They can’t rely on police to protect them. They need access to guns for their own safety. The people we are most concerned with are those normally considered law-abiding, but perceived as dangerous by other law-abiding persons such as family members, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. These people don’t need to own guns. They can call on the police for protection if they are threatened or attacked by criminals.”

Clinton Smears Democrat Presidential Contender

As part of her continuing effort to convince everyone she is a loon, former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton charged that current contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard “is a Russian agent.” Clinton’s remarks came during her interview on former President Obama aide David Plouffe’s “Campaign HQ” podcast.

Clinton cited Gabbard’s behavior at the debates as evidence for her charge. “If you listen carefully you will see that she repeatedly criticizes some of the other contenders. She calls their ideas impractical. Accuses them of hypocrisy or dishonesty. This kind of internal disagreement only benefits Trump and the Republicans.”

“In 2016, I was fortunate enough that with the help of the Democratic National Committee I was able to rebuff Bernie’s attempt to steal the nomination from me by deluding many primary voters to cast their ballots for him,” Clinton admitted. “What I couldn’t overcome was the ‘stab in the back’ from Jill Stein, who was also a Russian agent, and the collusion between Trump and Putin to suppress the votes of recent immigrants to America.”

“I’m confident that the DNC will be able to exclude Gabbard from future debates and that Congress will impeach and remove Trump from office,” the former Secretary said. “This will clear the way for voters to reverse the most terrible injustice ever inflicted on anyone by electing me, the most qualified person to ever run for the office, the next president of the United States in November of 2020.”

Schiff Impeachment Probe Bogs Down

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff’s closed door impeachment hearings are not moving along as he has envisioned they would. According to inside sources, witnesses that Schiff is convinced have damaging evidence against President Trump are resisting Schiff’s efforts to put words into their mouths.

Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent reputedly told the Committee that he had qualms about Joe Biden’s son Hunter’s role on the board of the Ukrainian energy company Burisma Holdings back in 2015, but was rebuffed by the staff of the Vice-President citing “President Obama’s full approval for the actions taken to oust the Ukrainian prosecutor looking into the matter.”

“Well, wouldn’t President Obama’s full approval effectively debunk any allegation of wronging by the Bidens?” Schiff is said to have asked Kent. Kent’s reported reply that “even if the Bidens’ activities had the backing of the President that wouldn’t debunk anything. There certainly was the appearance of impropriety. Debunking would, in my opinion, require something more concrete than a claim that higher authority was supposedly on-board with the Bidens.”

Schiff is said to be frustrated that “our witnesses are making things harder than they need to be. I keep trying to tell them that there is no one who can contradict whatever they testify to. The simplest option for them is to tell us what we want to hear.”

Schiff has also vociferously and publicly defended the secrecy of his undertaking, calling it “essential that we retain the element of surprise to prevent Trump from concocting a plausible-sounding defense of his actions. Thankfully, the impeachment process bypasses the Constitution’s guarantee that the accused has the right to confront his accusers and see the evidence of the crimes of which he is accused.”

For his part, Trump tweeted that “even the infamous Salem witch trials allowed the accused to confront their accusers. What Schiff, Pelosi and the Democrats are doing is a disgrace.”

Majority of Voters Disagree with Warren

A key plank in Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s platform is that “the economy is not working for average Americans.” In a poll conducted by Marist, more than 60% of the voters questioned said the economy is working for them. Of the subgroups surveyed, 67% of college graduates, 64% of those without a degree, 68% of whites, 61% of non-whites, 63% of generation Z, 69% of generation X, 63% of baby boomers, 69% of the greatest generation, 69% of the silent generation, 60% of those in the west, 65% of those in the east, 67% of those in the mid-west, 68% of those in the south, 63% of city dwellers, 64% of those in small towns, 66% of those in rural areas, and 72% of suburban inhabitants all agree the economy is working for them.

Warren professed herself as unfazed by these findings, saying “I will get the votes of the 59% of progressives, 55% of Democratic women, and 55% of those who are liberal that agree with me that the economy is not working for them.” Warren also pointed to the explosive growth of the homeless sector as “a sign that things are trending in my favor. We estimate that virtually 100% of these unfortunates will cast their ballots for me, as will the vast majority of immigrants, prison inmates, and urban gangsters. These are revolutionary times we are living in. The comfortable bourgeoisie are no match for the mobilized proletariat that will overthrow capitalist oppression in this country.”

Recent Census Bureau data on the incomes of America’s middle class show there is solid evidence for people feeling good about the Trump economy. Since he took office in January 2017 the median-income family has seen a gain of $5,003 in annual earnings. The gain during the eight years of the Obama Administration was only $1,043. It should be no surprise that voters put more trust in their paychecks than the socialist lies being purveyed by leading Democrats.

Bush Comes Out of Hibernation to Chastise Trump

After many years of silence since leaving office, former President George W. Bush sharply chastised President Trump’s Syrian troop withdrawal, claiming it “threatens to undo my signature achievement as president.”

Bush rejected Trump’s reasoning that the United States shouldn’t be engaged in endless wars to try to promote nation-building, by pointing out that “endless is an exaggeration. My wars only started in 2003. That’s just 16 years ago. If I recall correctly, Europe had a 100 years war spanning the 14th and 15th centuries. The cold war between us and the Soviet Union lasted four decades. And to hear Trump himself tell it, there’s been fighting in the Middle East for centuries. It is Trump’s belief that somehow we can get along without wars that is out-of-step with reality.”

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg sided with Bush and insisted that “President Trump is taking away our troops’ honor. I didn’t think we should have gone to Iraq in the first place. I think we need to get out of Afghanistan. But Trump’s hasty withdrawal of the 28 soldiers stationed in Syria by President Obama in 2011 is a slap in the face to everyone who has ever worn the uniform. We are leaving thousands of our communist Kurd allies behind to fight against the hated Turks. I’m sure everyone of those soldiers feels shame and wishes he could see the battle out to the end.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attempted to distinguish between “the sensible placement of troops by President Obama with the reckless deployments of President Bush and Trump. Obama could be trusted to do whatever is good for everyone, but Bush was a bumbling fool and Trump is Putin’s mole inside the US government. Whatever Trump does is wrong and probably treasonous.”

Planned Parenthood Lawsuit Not Going Well

The lawsuit—Planned Parenthood v. The Center for Medical Progress (CMP)–for “wrongfully making public proprietary trade secrets” is further exposing the many heinous practices involved in the organization’s profiteering from the sale of body parts of the victims of abortions in their facilities.

A video clip of Dr. Deborah Nucatola, a former Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s senior director of medical services, describing how she “would delicately crush above and below the baby’s thorax in order to preserve intact internal organs and assure maximum prices for the merchandise” was allowed in evidence over the objections of the organization’s attorney Sharon Mayo that “the details of the extraction method is a trade secret” and that “allowing it at the trial could result in irreparable harm to Planned Parenthood’s future financial viability. The widespread revulsion likely to be induced in persons unqualified to judge these highly technical medical procedures could encourage the passage of laws limiting or banning the use of these procedures or even the frequency with which abortions are requested by patients.”

Former Planned Parenthood abortionist Mary Gatter testified that “the ’tissue samples’ we prefer to call the abortion remains are baby parts. ‘Tissue samples’ doesn’t sound as repugnant as baby parts. Look, my job was to market the leftovers from the late abortion procedures. Anything we can do to make sure buyers aren’t revolted by what we’re actually selling helps smooth the transaction and keep the money flowing.” Gatter also acknowledged saying “I want a Lamborgini. I figured if the potential buyers knew I had high aspirations and expenses they would be willing to pay a higher price for what I was trying to sell.”

Mayo asserted that “the entirely legal business of terminating unwanted babies has been severely damaged by the illegal actions of CMP. Tens of millions of dollars in profits have already been lost. Justice requires that those who caused these losses compensate my clients. Whether CMP has sufficient resources to pay what Planned Parenthood demands remains to be seen. At the very least the total financial ruin of CMP and everyone associated with it could serve as a stern warning to others that continue to harass abortion providers across the country.”

In related news, support for unrestricted abortion funded by tax dollars was unanimous at the latest debate among the 12 invited Democratic presidential contenders in Ohio. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker got a chorus of “amens” from his rivals when he reminded everyone of “the tragic increase in Planned Parenthood facilities closing and the existential threat this poses to life as we know it in this country.”

Prof Blames Trump for Black Obesity

Rutgers University women’s and gender studies professor Brittney Cooper says “Trump’s policies are responsible for black women being obese.” Cooper, who is black and grossly overweight herself, contends that “Trump’s every man for himself approach is the problem. The rampant prosperity stemming from his tax cuts and deregulation makes food inexpensive and readily available. For those of us with no self-discipline it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Cooper maintains that “the policies of Sanders or Warren would be much healthier for us. The costs would go up and there would be more scarcity. Sanders has even explicitly praised the idea of making people wait in lines to get food. More of our time would be consumed trying to obtain food, leaving less time to eat it. This externally applied discipline would save fatties from their own bad choices and lead to a greater collective well being for all.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, the National Basketball Association (NBA) took steps to try to distance itself from a tweet by the Houston Rockets’ general manager Daryl Morey. In his tweet, Morey urged “Fight for Freedom. Stand with Hong Kong.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver publicly apologized for the “insensitive remarks made by Mr. Morey. We understand that members of our organization are entitled to their political opinions. We have stood behind teams’ refusals to visit the White House while Trump is president. We sympathize with players who are insulted by the racism of the National Anthem. However, the financial consequences of disrespecting the government of China are substantial and we will do whatever that government requires to atone for the offense created by Mr. Morey’s tweet.”

The initial acts of atonement so far have included an apology from Morey and the deletion of his tweet, an enforced “gag rule” forbidding players and managers from expressing any opinions regarding the Chinese Government’s oppression of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong, and efforts to refocus attention on “the despicable history of the United States.”

An opening salvo of the “refocus” effort came from the mouth of Golden State Warriors Coach Steve Kerr. The Coach said he was “proud to boycott the invitations from Trump for my team to visit the White House for a celebration of our championships. We cannot allow this tyrant to ride the coattails of our greatness. Especially considering all the human rights abuses committed by Donald Trump and his minions since he stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton.”

Kerr rebuffed queries from the media regarding China’s concentration camps for dissenters, saying “it would be unfair for me to comment without being fully informed. I hear people say that millions have died under the policies of Mao, but I have no personal knowledge of these claimed atrocities. On the other hand, the Chinese Government has freely allowed their citizens to play and watch basketball. These positive developments should not be endangered by errant comments.”

“Even worse, the recent action of the Trump Administration making the freedom of two million persecuted Muslims a condition for improved economic trade with China unnecessarily complicates the better business relationship the NBA is trying to accomplish,” Kerr added. “To me, Trump is clearly the bigger threat to a better world.”

In related news, the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers announced they are terminating a commercial partnership with Leupold—a manufacturer of a variety of scopes, binoculars and rangefinders—because the company also sells its products to the Israeli Defense Forces. Omar Streicher, spokesman for team, said “when it was brought to our attention that rifle scopes manufactured by Leupold were aiding the illegal occupation of Palestine by Israel, severing the partnership became a ‘no brainer.’”

Biden Says Study Vindicates His Ukraine Extortion

A study conducted by OpenTheBooks.com showed that the practice of politicians trading favors for cash is common. The case study involved eight members of Congress: Republicans Tom Cole, Kristi Noem, Erik Paulsen, and Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Democrats John B. Larsen, Jim Cooper, Debbie Dingell, and Brenda Lawrence.

The study found a repeated pattern in which members of Congress own investment stock in, are employed by, and receive retirement pensions from federal contractors to whom billions of taxpayer dollars flow. Members sponsor or oppose legislation that affects these contractors. Then, the contractor’s lobbyists advocate for or against the legislation to help the contractor. Oftentimes, the contractor’s lobbyist also donates campaign cash to the member.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this abuse of office is that it is not illegal. It is this last finding that former Vice-President Joe Biden heralded as “proof that I’ve done nothing wrong. The travesty is that the salaries allotted to those of us in government are abysmally low. Corporate executives are paid millions to run private businesses. We ought to be similarly paid, but could never garner much support for higher salaries. Allowing ourselves to make money on the side has been the way to right this injustice. Using my influence in Ukraine to help my son doesn’t make me a crook. It makes me a good dad.”

In related news, Biden slammed the New York Times for running an op ed by Peter Schweizer, author of Clinton Cash. “Here is a guy trying to profit by attacking the legal influence peddling of great Americans like the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and me, the former Vice-President of President Barack Obama. We’re at war for the soul of this country. The Times shouldn’t be giving aid and comfort to our enemies. They need to stay in the ranks and use the power they have to help us win back the White House and Congress.”

California Enacts Anti-Voter Suppression Law

Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a new law that will allow voters to register on election day at any polling place in the state. According to the Governor, “this will overcome some serious deficiencies that previously held the number of ballots cast below what could’ve been achieved.”

Among the deficiencies cited by the Governor were “the disenfranchisement of procrastinators. Why should people who can’t plan ahead be barred from voting? Under this law, anyone can wait until the final hour and still be allowed to vote. Another defect of previous law was its failure to adequately allow for enthusiastic voters to have a say as great as their passion. Under the new law, a person with the dedication and energy would be allowed to register and vote at as many polling locations he or she could reach during the 30 day period in which votes are allowed to be cast. Why shouldn’t people who feel strongly be accorded a greater weight in the decision than those who are just going through the motions to cast a single ballot each election cycle?”

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger exuded enthusiasm for the new rules, saying “I will cast as many votes as I can for Sen. Warren. Her vision for the future of America is how we keep America number one.”

LGBTQ Town Hall Brings Out Worst in Dem Candidates

This week at CNN’s “Equality Town Hall” inspired several of the Democratic Party’s 2020 presidential contenders to advocate some bad ideas.

Former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke vowed to “strip tax-exempt status from any religious organization that refuses to recognize gay marriage. In fact, this will be one of my top priorities as president. The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage is just as valid as a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. No one has a constitutional right to oppose this. Any who do must be punished. Imposing taxes on churches and siccing the IRS after them would be the most merciful tool for achieving compliance. You know, we could learn a thing or two from how China handles religious deviations from its policies. In China, churches must get government approval before anyone can be a priest or minister. This strikes me as the ultimate safeguard for ensuring obedience to the government’s wishes. Maybe we should make this a requirement in our country.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden averred that “same-sex marriage is the perfect remedy for alleviating the health threat posed by gay bathhouses. Before gay marriages were the law of the land, gay men were forced to look for love with anonymous strangers in round-the-clock sex orgies at these bathhouses. Now they can practice safe sex with a committed long term partner. I’d call that a major step forward toward a healthier America.”

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren acknowledged “the solid reasoning of my colleagues,” but chided them for “overlooking the need to broaden our concept of marriage to cover the 30+ different genders that have recently been discovered. Every person has the right to be any sex he or she wants and to marry any other person of any gender. We will need to craft laws to deal with all the potential combinations. Even if we restrict marriage to two individuals there are nearly 1,000 possible types of marriage that will need to be codified. However, I wonder if such a restriction might be too narrow-minded. Who says a marriage has to be between only two people?”

The Senator also took the occasion to announce that “prison inmates are entitled to gender reassignment surgery.” This position contradicts her 2012 opposition to using taxpayer money to fund such surgeries. “I was wrong then,” she admitted. “My error can be blamed on the false premise that there can be any money that is not rightfully the property of the government. I was mindlessly thinking ‘why should taxpayers foot this bill.’ I now know that the correct way of thinking is that any money not taken from taxpayers is a gift from the government. No one is entitled to expect a gift. It is the government’s right and duty to use whatever funds are necessary to heal these suffering individuals. Reshaping their genitals is a small down payment on what society owes them.”

To help her with issues like these, Warren promised to consult with nine-year-old transgender Jacob Lemay. “An individual to be so wise at such a young age and brave enough to take action to escape the erroneous body he was born with is the kind of adviser every president needs to forge the transformation our country needs,” the Senator maintained. “For more than 200 years presidents have sought out old white men for these crucial roles. I intend to break away from that stilted practice and get ideas and inspiration from those unconstrained by the out-dated reality of the past.”

In related news, Warren promised to give “back pay” to illegal aliens. She brushed off criticism that “this, like my other plans is ‘communistic,” by reminding these critics that “they are neglecting to admit that under communism in Russia and China no student has to pay for college, no one has to pay for health care, the government provides adequate housing for everyone, and people cheerfully line up to buy the low-cost food the state supplies to all.”

Anti-Trump Conspirator Admits Steele Dossier “Had Flaws”

Fired former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe admitted to former Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein that “the dossier compiled by Steele had its flaws. Steele warned us that he couldn’t verify its contents and that we should not take it as ‘gospel.’ But President Obama was pressing us on the need to prevent Donald Trump from becoming the next president. Under these circumstances I think people will understand that a rigid adherence to the law would not have allowed us to do as he asked.”

“By nature, much of the information spies like Steele obtain is hearsay, innuendo, and inference,” McCabe explained. “But if that’s all you have there’s no alternative but to go forward and hope for the best. Did we make mistakes? Of course. In hindsight, perhaps swearing under oath to the FISA Court that the dossier was verified might have been a mistake seeing that our expectation we would be successful in throwing the election to Secretary Clinton didn’t pan out.”

“What I offer in my own defense, and that of the numerous intelligence community members who participated in the mission, is that taking extreme risk, breaking laws, and neutralizing enemies by any means possible has been the essence of the intelligence community’s work going back at least to the foundation of the CIA. We do the dirty work required to protect this nation from threats to our way of life. Trump posed such a threat and President Obama’s endorsement of the measures we carried out gave all of us the impetus to try to save America from a dire fate. My greatest regret is that we have, so far, failed in that endeavor.”

In related news, CNN contributor Wajahat Ali reports that “the FBI now considers conspiracies theories, such as that there is a deep state plot to drive Trump out of office, to be a domestic terror threat. This designation will allow the intelligence community to take the kind of severe measures needed to protect against this threat. This includes surveillance, infiltration, propaganda, and the type of executive action deployed against President Kennedy when he posed a similar threat as perceived by the CIA.”

Minneapolis Mayor Removes Porta-Potties Outside Trump Rally

Frustrated that he was unable to prevent President Trump from holding a campaign rally in Minneapolis, Mayor Jacob Frey took action to bar porta-potties from being set up outside the arena for use by the overflow crowd or those there to demonstrate against Trump.

“The provision of portable toilets is the very definition of treason in the US Constitution,” Frey contended. “And I quote…Treason against the United States, shall consist of giving enemies aid and comfort. The whole purpose of these facilities is to give aid and comfort. In fact, they are also known as ‘comfort stations.’ Since Trump and his supporters are enemies of our democracy any step that would discomfort them seems to me to be both inherently justified and required.”

Asked about the discomfort inflicted on the anti-Trump demonstrators, Grey expressed regret, but pointed out that “in war there sometimes is collateral damage. I think our Anti-Fa friends understand this and will, in revolutionary fashion, relieve themselves on the streets as are our fellow revolutionaries in San Francisco and Los Angeles. So, we’re confident that most of the suffering will occur in the ranks of the deplorables.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Revelations that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s son, like former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son, had a cozy deal with a Ukrainian oil company bolstered her determination to press ahead with impeachment of President Trump. “There is a clear pattern of abuse of power here,” the Speaker alleged. “As President Trump knows, the compensation paid to members of Congress is far below adequate for their station in life. Yet, he viciously attacks the time-honored means that every other administration has accepted to overcome this inequity.”

“Trump has billions of dollars with which to support the members of his family—giving cushy jobs to his two moron sons,” Pelosi contended. “Those of us who are less privileged have, as members of Congress have historically done, pulled a few strings to try to help our sons to enjoy a better life. To imply that these actions are scandalous goes outside the bounds of normal practice. It could not be clearer that the removal of Trump from power is imperative.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) chimed in to point out that “it’s not only our children who are being threatened by Trump. The minimal kickbacks I’ve been receiving from the music industry have also been unfairly criticized. For anyone to suggest that my actions toward this industry might in any way be influenced by the small campaign donations I have received or the parties that I have thrown using some of this money unfairly implies that I am corrupt. These are normal transactions for a person in my position.”

Sanders Refutes GOP Claim on Medicare-for-All

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders’ recent trip to the hospital for urgent medical care inspired Republican critics of his Medicare-for-All plan to point out that the normal waiting periods for receiving care under socialized medicine are typically weeks or even months and, in some cases are denied for a person as old (78) as Sanders is. In the British system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55 days. In Canada the waiting time averages 11 weeks.

The senator called the GOP claim “misleading. While the average person might, in fact, have to endure such waits, my plan makes explicit exceptions for important people. Under democratic socialism, government leaders are vital cogs in running the country. As such, they will have line-cutting privileges that ensure they get the best treatment expeditiously. We can’t afford to have high-ranking members of the ruling body fall victim to the queuing procedures that apply to the masses.”

Schiff Refuses to Release Transcript of Testimony

After predicting that the closed-door testimony of former U.S. envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker before the House Intelligence Committee would “prove President Trump has committed high crimes” Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has, so far, released only selected excerpts of this testimony.

Republican members of the Committee are clamoring for the release of the full transcript. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) said “there’s a reason why Adam Schiff released cherry-picked text messages and not the transcript of the Volker interview. It’s because the actual interview directly undermined Democrats’ impeachment effort.” Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asserted that “When the American people get to read the transcript of Ambassador Volker’s testimony, they will see that everyone involved in the Trump Administration and Ukrainian government was working both for America’s interests and for the success and security of Ukraine.”

So far, Schiff has rebuffed GOP calls for full transparency, citing “the special rules Speaker Pelosi has set for these impeachment hearings. These rules bar Republicans from asking any questions or calling any of their own witnesses. I have been granted full power to determine what will or won’t be released to the public and how it will be edited. We have no obligation to follow Trump’s example of releasing a transcript of his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”

In related news, it has also been disclosed that Joseph Cofer Black, a former political adviser to Sen. Mitt Romney, was a member of the same board of directors for the Ukrainian company Burisma that Hunter Biden was. Romney has been a prominent critic of Trump’s attempt to probe corruption in Ukraine and has taken the stance that the phone call was “wrong and appalling” and offered to “heed the Party’s call and accept the GOP presidential nomination for 2020 after Trump is impeached and removed from office. I am well-respected in Washington and offer the steady hand needed to assure the continuity of policy that has garnered support on both sides of the aisle in DC.”

Beto Offended by Buttigieg Position on Guns

Speaking at Kent State University—site of where US troops fired on antiwar protesters in 1970, killing four of them—Democratic presidential candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke expressed his “profound disappointment with Mayor Pete’s refusal to back my plan to confiscate AR-15s and similar military-style weapons from private owners. This is tantamount to supporting citizens having the means to resist government intrusions on liberties that these citizens neither need nor deserve in our modern society. At this point in our history we must accept that only the government can be trusted to use firearms appropriately.”

Mayor Buttigieg objected to O’Rourke’s “mischaracterization of my views. I don’t disagree that private citizens ought not to have weapons, but I think his stark proposal is like the proverbial ‘kicking a sleeping dog.’ We need to be more subtle in our pursuit of disarmament of the general population. I favor more of a ‘boiling the frog’ approach where we slowly ratchet up the restrictions until the burdens of gun ownership are so onerous that people will voluntarily give up on the idea of bearing arms.”

Clinton Weighs Suit Against China

The recent use of the term “basket of deplorables” by China’s state-run Global Times has spurred former unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to consider suing for “theft of intellectual property. I coined that phrase to describe the lowlifes who supported my opponent in the 2016 election. It is outrageous that it would be re-used without paying me royalties.”

Observers have expressed skepticism that any prospective lawsuit could be successful. CNN’s Chris Cuomo cited China’s “blatant disregard for intellectual property rights as one indicator of the improbable odds for getting a reasonable response on Sec. Clinton’s complaint. I also can’t help wondering if a Regime willing to use violence to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong now and in Tiananmen Square 30 years ago would feel any compunction to honor her property rights.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden has filed paperwork to copyright the phrase “dregs of society” that he recently used to slander the 63 million voters who elected Donald Trump president in 2016. A spokesman for his campaign boasted that “this should warn off any imitators among the dwarfs who are contesting Joe’s right to continue the Obama legacy and provide a route to cash compensation should they try to appropriate his terminology.”

Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40% tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the Senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

Schumer to Trump: “Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

The emergence of the latest CIA scheme to oust President Trump entailing the manipulation of “whistleblower” rules to allow “hearsay” allegations prompted Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) to remind Trump “I told you that these guys have six-ways from Sunday at getting back at you.”

“In a way, Trump is actually getting off easy,” Schumer contended. “When President Kennedy threatened to tear the CIA into a 1,000 pieces he ended up being murdered. If a president as beloved as JFK was could be killed, a vile creature like Trump should thank his luck that he is still alive. I don’t know how long he thinks his luck will hold, but everyday he is tempting fate. The prudent course would be for him to resign before something unfortunate happens to him.”

As a more merciful alternative, Rep. Maxine Waters called for Trump “to be imprisoned and placed in solitary confinement. His opposition to the efforts of the intelligence community to neutralize the mistaken election of this miscreant make him a clear and present danger to our democracy. We must not allow him to assert constitutional provisions guarding the rights of the accused to delay removing him from power. We must take corrective action before it is too late.”

Former Attorney General Eric Holder extended a general warning to current Attorney General William Barr urging him “to abandon his investigation into allegations of corruption involving the Obama Administration. All he’ll accomplish is to destroy his own reputation and foreclose any future he may have once things return to normal.”

DNC Wants Facebook to Censor Trump

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has accused Facebook of allowing President Trump to “mislead the American people” and demanded that “action be taken to silence his propagation of lies.”

Facebook’s vice president of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, said that “it is our policy to treat speech from politicians as newsworthy content that should, as a general rule, be seen and heard. In open democracies, voters rightly believe that, as a general rule, they should be able to judge what politicians say themselves.”

However, DNC CEO Seema Nanda complained that “Facebook has the means to protect people from being exposed to the misinformation spewing from Trump and the responsibility to do so. They should do this voluntarily rather than wait for us to compel them to do the right thing under penalty of law.”

In related news, Democratic presidential candidate California Sen. Kamala Harris urged Twitter to ban Trump’s tweets. “Truth should not be impeded by the intrusion of this man’s twisted views,” Harris asserted. “There are plenty of respected reporters at CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. who can convey what’s really going on to the American voters. We shouldn’t have to tolerate Trump’s repeated efforts to muddle their message.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.