By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Revelations that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s son, like former Vice-President Joe Biden’s son, had a cozy deal with a Ukrainian oil company bolstered her determination to press ahead with impeachment of President Trump. “There is a clear pattern of abuse of power here,” the Speaker alleged. “As President Trump knows, the compensation paid to members of Congress is far below adequate for their station in life. Yet, he viciously attacks the time-honored means that every other administration has accepted to overcome this inequity.”
“Trump has billions of dollars with which to support the members of his family—giving cushy jobs to his two moron sons,” Pelosi contended. “Those of us who are less privileged have, as members of Congress have historically done, pulled a few strings to try to help our sons to enjoy a better life. To imply that these actions are scandalous goes outside the bounds of normal practice. It could not be clearer that the removal of Trump from power is imperative.”
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) chimed in to point out that “it’s not only our children who are being threatened by Trump. The minimal kickbacks I’ve been receiving from the music industry have also been unfairly criticized. For anyone to suggest that my actions toward this industry might in any way be influenced by the small campaign donations I have received or the parties that I have thrown using some of this money unfairly implies that I am corrupt. These are normal transactions for a person in my position.”
Sanders Refutes GOP Claim on Medicare-for-All
Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders’ recent trip to the hospital for urgent medical care inspired Republican critics of his Medicare-for-All plan to point out that the normal waiting periods for receiving care under socialized medicine are typically weeks or even months and, in some cases are denied for a person as old (78) as Sanders is. In the British system, the median time from assessment to treatment is 55 days. In Canada the waiting time averages 11 weeks.
The senator called the GOP claim “misleading. While the average person might, in fact, have to endure such waits, my plan makes explicit exceptions for important people. Under democratic socialism, government leaders are vital cogs in running the country. As such, they will have line-cutting privileges that ensure they get the best treatment expeditiously. We can’t afford to have high-ranking members of the ruling body fall victim to the queuing procedures that apply to the masses.”
Schiff Refuses to Release Transcript of Testimony
After predicting that the closed-door testimony of former U.S. envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker before the House Intelligence Committee would “prove President Trump has committed high crimes” Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has, so far, released only selected excerpts of this testimony.
Republican members of the Committee are clamoring for the release of the full transcript. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) said “there’s a reason why Adam Schiff released cherry-picked text messages and not the transcript of the Volker interview. It’s because the actual interview directly undermined Democrats’ impeachment effort.” Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asserted that “When the American people get to read the transcript of Ambassador Volker’s testimony, they will see that everyone involved in the Trump Administration and Ukrainian government was working both for America’s interests and for the success and security of Ukraine.”
So far, Schiff has rebuffed GOP calls for full transparency, citing “the special rules Speaker Pelosi has set for these impeachment hearings. These rules bar Republicans from asking any questions or calling any of their own witnesses. I have been granted full power to determine what will or won’t be released to the public and how it will be edited. We have no obligation to follow Trump’s example of releasing a transcript of his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”
In related news, it has also been disclosed that Joseph Cofer Black, a former political adviser to Sen. Mitt Romney, was a member of the same board of directors for the Ukrainian company Burisma that Hunter Biden was. Romney has been a prominent critic of Trump’s attempt to probe corruption in Ukraine and has taken the stance that the phone call was “wrong and appalling” and offered to “heed the Party’s call and accept the GOP presidential nomination for 2020 after Trump is impeached and removed from office. I am well-respected in Washington and offer the steady hand needed to assure the continuity of policy that has garnered support on both sides of the aisle in DC.”
Beto Offended by Buttigieg Position on Guns
Speaking at Kent State University—site of where US troops fired on antiwar protesters in 1970, killing four of them—Democratic presidential candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke expressed his “profound disappointment with Mayor Pete’s refusal to back my plan to confiscate AR-15s and similar military-style weapons from private owners. This is tantamount to supporting citizens having the means to resist government intrusions on liberties that these citizens neither need nor deserve in our modern society. At this point in our history we must accept that only the government can be trusted to use firearms appropriately.”
Mayor Buttigieg objected to O’Rourke’s “mischaracterization of my views. I don’t disagree that private citizens ought not to have weapons, but I think his stark proposal is like the proverbial ‘kicking a sleeping dog.’ We need to be more subtle in our pursuit of disarmament of the general population. I favor more of a ‘boiling the frog’ approach where we slowly ratchet up the restrictions until the burdens of gun ownership are so onerous that people will voluntarily give up on the idea of bearing arms.”
Clinton Weighs Suit Against China
The recent use of the term “basket of deplorables” by China’s state-run Global Times has spurred former unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to consider suing for “theft of intellectual property. I coined that phrase to describe the lowlifes who supported my opponent in the 2016 election. It is outrageous that it would be re-used without paying me royalties.”
Observers have expressed skepticism that any prospective lawsuit could be successful. CNN’s Chris Cuomo cited China’s “blatant disregard for intellectual property rights as one indicator of the improbable odds for getting a reasonable response on Sec. Clinton’s complaint. I also can’t help wondering if a Regime willing to use violence to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong now and in Tiananmen Square 30 years ago would feel any compunction to honor her property rights.”
In related news, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden has filed paperwork to copyright the phrase “dregs of society” that he recently used to slander the 63 million voters who elected Donald Trump president in 2016. A spokesman for his campaign boasted that “this should warn off any imitators among the dwarfs who are contesting Joe’s right to continue the Obama legacy and provide a route to cash compensation should they try to appropriate his terminology.”
Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism
The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”
The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40% tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the Senator.
“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”
Schumer to Trump: “Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”
The emergence of the latest CIA scheme to oust President Trump entailing the manipulation of “whistleblower” rules to allow “hearsay” allegations prompted Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) to remind Trump “I told you that these guys have six-ways from Sunday at getting back at you.”
“In a way, Trump is actually getting off easy,” Schumer contended. “When President Kennedy threatened to tear the CIA into a 1,000 pieces he ended up being murdered. If a president as beloved as JFK was could be killed, a vile creature like Trump should thank his luck that he is still alive. I don’t know how long he thinks his luck will hold, but everyday he is tempting fate. The prudent course would be for him to resign before something unfortunate happens to him.”
As a more merciful alternative, Rep. Maxine Waters called for Trump “to be imprisoned and placed in solitary confinement. His opposition to the efforts of the intelligence community to neutralize the mistaken election of this miscreant make him a clear and present danger to our democracy. We must not allow him to assert constitutional provisions guarding the rights of the accused to delay removing him from power. We must take corrective action before it is too late.”
Former Attorney General Eric Holder extended a general warning to current Attorney General William Barr urging him “to abandon his investigation into allegations of corruption involving the Obama Administration. All he’ll accomplish is to destroy his own reputation and foreclose any future he may have once things return to normal.”
DNC Wants Facebook to Censor Trump
The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has accused Facebook of allowing President Trump to “mislead the American people” and demanded that “action be taken to silence his propagation of lies.”
Facebook’s vice president of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, said that “it is our policy to treat speech from politicians as newsworthy content that should, as a general rule, be seen and heard. In open democracies, voters rightly believe that, as a general rule, they should be able to judge what politicians say themselves.”
However, DNC CEO Seema Nanda complained that “Facebook has the means to protect people from being exposed to the misinformation spewing from Trump and the responsibility to do so. They should do this voluntarily rather than wait for us to compel them to do the right thing under penalty of law.”
In related news, Democratic presidential candidate California Sen. Kamala Harris urged Twitter to ban Trump’s tweets. “Truth should not be impeded by the intrusion of this man’s twisted views,” Harris asserted. “There are plenty of respected reporters at CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. who can convey what’s really going on to the American voters. We shouldn’t have to tolerate Trump’s repeated efforts to muddle their message.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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