By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
An analysis of the individuals nominated for appellate court positions by the last two US presidents reveals that those selected by Trump had better qualifications than those selected by Obama. A marker for those considered the best legal minds is whether they clerked for a Supreme Court Justice or a federal appeals court. Of the nominees selected by Obama less than a quarter clerked at the Supreme Court, and less than half at a federal appellate court. Of the nominees selected by Trump 40% clerked at the Supreme Court and about 80% clerked at a federal appellate court.
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY), who has consistently opposed all of Trump’s judicial nominees, disputed the validity of this analysis, saying that “pure competence shouldn’t be allowed to override other important considerations. President Obama was willing to go outside the bounds of excellence in order to give a helping hand to individuals with less skill. Drawing from all levels of capability gives us a court that more closely resembles the general population. That is a more democratic way of staffing all the layers of government. He did it for the Executive Branch and carried that standard over to the Judicial Branch. I, for one, am glad he did.”
In related news, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) vetoed a bi-partisan bill that would have allowed all federal judges to officiate at weddings in the state. In his veto message he explained “I cannot in good conscience support legislation that would authorize such actions by federal judges who are appointed by Trump. Trump’s values do not embody who we are as New Yorkers. His narrow focus on making America great has excluded appointing judges who bring other attributes to the position.” The notoriously anti-Trump New York Times labeled Cuomo’s veto message “distressingly petty, even for him.”
Sex Ed in Elementary Schools a “Marketing Strategy”
Monica Cline, a sexual health education instructor who worked with Planned Parenthood, revealed that the organization’s push to expand sex education to elementary schools was “a marketing strategy. It used to be that the main focus of sex education in high schools was aimed at discouraging students from engaging in sex. Heavy emphasis was placed on the health risks and socio-economic consequences of unwanted pregnancies. But Planned Parenthood’s focus was on teaching grade school aged students how to have sex.”
Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter defended the organization’s elementary school initiative as “a normal business practice. In our free market economy, businesses routinely engage in efforts to boost demand for their products by advertisements. The older approaches to sex education were all oriented toward decreasing demand for our services. Girls frightened away from engaging in sex would be less likely to need an abortion. Girls taught how to have sex would be more likely to become our customers. In combination with our lobbying efforts to loosen restrictions on abortions, our elementary school focus was a great profit enhancer.”
In related news, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is suing Michigan for considering enacting a law banning dismemberment abortions. ACLU spokesperson Merissa Kovach said “ripping a fetus to shreds is a more effective method of ensuring that an unwanted child does not accidentally survive an abortion procedure. Banning this method would do irreparable harm to the mental health of the women seeking to be alleviated of the burdens of motherhood.”
Leftists Argue for Abolishing Police
Convinced that police forces are irredeemable bastions of racism, some leftist philosophers are arguing for the abolition of city law-enforcement officers. In Seattle, narrowly defeated city council candidate Shaun Scott contends that police are an “apparatus of overaggressive and racist policing that has emerged to steer many black and brown bodies back into, in essence, a form of slavery. Keeping poor people from taking what they need from those who already have more than they need because police call this theft is morally wrong.”
Mychal Denzel Smith wrote an article in The Nation saying that “police should be replaced by a system of full social, economic, and political equality. Once the government controls all resources it can eliminate the poverty that forces individuals into committing crimes by distributing wealth based on need. Instead of robbing a neighbor to survive all anyone would have to do is go to a government facility to get his or her allotment.”
Smith rebutted arguments that human greed wouldn’t be abolished and would still spur some to try to take more than their fair share by pointing out that “the universal poverty and social regimentation that would follow from collectivism will make crime such a low-yield occupation that no police force will be necessary.”
Muslim Legislator Guilty of Embezzlement
State Rep. Movita Johnson-Harrell (D-Phil), the first Muslim to be elected to the Pennsylvania legislature, has pleaded guilty to charges of embezzlement, record tampering, and perjury. In the nine months since taking office, she stole more than $500,000 from Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security disability funds, as well as donations to Motivations Education and Consultation Associates (MECA), a charity she established to allegedly serve the mentally ill and drug addicted poor in her neighborhood. She used the money to buy furs, trips to Mexico, a Porsche, pay utility bills, pay her granddaughter’s private school tuition, and pay campaign debts.
The Representative denies she has done anything wrong, but pleaded guilty “to avoid even greater persecution for my religious beliefs. Allah gave all the world to Muslims. He gave us dominion over unbelievers. When voters elected me they were showing the submission called for in the Quran. The money I took was the jizya owed by unbelievers to the Muslim faithful for letting them live while they refuse to convert.” She says she hopes to avoid any jail time and warned that “all transgressions visited upon me by unbelievers will be repaid with a righteous vengeance when Muslims gain full control over the government in Pennsylvania and the United States.”
Candidate Defends Using Prison Labor
Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for getting caught using prisoners to make phone calls soliciting campaign donations. “I know the knee-jerk response is to condemn the practice of employing prisoners to perform labor on a campaign,” he said. “But let me point out that utilizing cheap labor is one of the things that billionaires do. Amassing great wealth is easier if costs can be driven as low as possible.”
Bloomberg also congratulated himself for “bringing more convicts into the political process. Many states, New York included, are enacting laws allowing prisoners to vote. Voting, as important as it is in a symbolic way, has only a tiny impact on an election outcome. Raising campaign funds has a much larger impact. Giving prisoners the opportunity to have this greater impact does more for their rehabilitation. Democrats shouldn’t be dinging me for helping bring more of these felonious outcasts inside the Party’s big tent.”
In related news, both of the billionaires in the running for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination have spent a combined $200,000 million on their campaigns with little to show for it. Tom Steyer has appeared in the Democratic debates as one of the lowest ranking contenders. Bloomberg hasn’t even qualified for any of the debates. A frustrated Steyer blames Trump for “poisoning public opinion against billionaires. Voters see how unfit he is and think ill of all us rich guys. It’s so unfair.” Bloomberg is more optimistic, “look I was able to buy my way into the mayors office in the world’s greatest city. My money was used to elect gun-control Democrats who will confiscate guns in Virginia. I’m confident that by this time next year I’ll be president-elect.”
UN Demands UK Send More Women to War Zone
The United Nations is demanding that the United Kingdom send more female troops to its “peace-keeping” operation in Mali. Secretary General António Guterres complained that “unless there is an adequate supply of females in the deployment, pent up sexual urges among the male troops we have sent could lead to unacceptably high rates of rape against the indigenous females they are supposed to protect.”
Trump Blamed for California Homeless
Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) laid the blame for his state’s homeless crisis on President Trump. “We put a plan together to have an interagency council address the issue and strategize a plan on a regional basis,” he said. “It was the unanimous consensus of this council that the federal government should give our state more money. The response we got from the President was mockery for the billions we’ve already spent on infeasible and counterproductive projects. This is totally unfair. Our state voted for Secretary Clinton to be president. She should be our state’s president and doing what she would’ve done is what Trump should be doing if he had any respect for democracy.”
Clinton sent a message of sympathy to the Governor and thanked him “for pointing out the deficiency of the Electoral College for choosing a president. As we can see, our flawed process has given us a president that lacks the flexibility to meet needs like those seen in California. If I were the president right now I’d work on brokering a deal to sell off some of the state’s assets to China or Russia in exchange for a modest donation to the Clinton Foundation. The proceeds of the asset sale could be used to buy bus tickets to send the homeless to another state and still leave plenty left over for new projects. The donation would help support the critical mission of the Clinton Foundation. It would’ve been a win-win outcome for all parties.”
Newsom expressed his appreciation to Clinton “for your kind note” and called her hypothetical approach to a solution “more in tune with how our Party has always sought to govern. It’s a whole lot better than the intolerable condition that Trump insists we must meet to get his help.” The “intolerable condition” appears to be Trump’s request that Newsom “politely ask for help.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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