By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) announced that the main route to the Jan. 28 Trump rally site in Wildwood will be closed “so work can be done to repair the roadway. I realize that the deplorables who need their regular infusion of Trump’s lies may be inconvenienced, but those who will be deterred from participating in this brainwashing event will have cause to thank me later.”
Profs Protest Pro-Life Film
Forty-three faculty members of King’s University College at Western University in Ontario, Canada signed a letter demanding that the college administration “apologize for allowing this film to be shown on campus. The film’s message that it is okay to oppose abortion is not fit to be aired at an institution of higher learning.” The film—Unplanned—is based on the true story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic manager who became a pro-life advocate after personally witnessing an abortion “procedure.”
The film’s showing was sponsored by the college’s Campus Ministry as part of its effort to facilitate campus life “rooted in the Roman Catholic tradition.” Especially irksome to the 43 professors was Campus Ministry Director Rev. Michael Bechard’s post-airing comment that “we hope the film will send a message to women that we are concerned about unborn children.”
“Since when do the special interests of the unborn take precedence over the unalienable right of a woman to terminate her unwanted offspring?” asked Professor of Women’s Studies Dr. Sheila Butcher, one of letter’s signers. “It’s bad enough that people are permitted to privately hold such views. Principal Malloy’s attempt to justify this intrusion on the grounds that a university is a place for open inquiry and discussion is an atrocity that we must not tolerate if we hope to elevate humanity from the inhuman religious dogma that impedes progressive ideas.”
Trump Gives Powerful Pro-Life Message
President Trump became the first US president to participate in the annual March for Life where he declared January 22nd as “National Sanctity of Human Life Day” and vowed that “as president I will always defend the first right in our Declaration of Independence, the right to life. Every person — the born and unborn, the poor, the downcast, the disabled, the infirm, and the elderly — has inherent value. Our Nation proudly and strongly reaffirms our commitment to protect the precious gift of life at every stage, from conception to natural death.”
In addition to Trump’s support for life, several abortion survivors made a persuasive case for saving the lives of unborn children. Melissa Ohden, Josiah Presley, Claire Culwell and nearly a dozen others told their stories as part of the “Faces of Choice” project.
Adora Slaughter, spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, dismissed these stories, calling them “inadmissible evidence. These individuals wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for a medical error somewhere in the procedure. They have no standing to preach ethics to anyone, especially young women who face the horrors and burdens of unwanted motherhood. They ought to quietly enjoy their own good luck rather than trying to use it as an argument against the constitutionally guaranteed right of all women to have an abortion if they want one.”
Warren Explains Governing Philosophy
Accosted by a voter who questioned her promise to cancel college debt, Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) rebuffed his contention that bailing out the debtors was unfair to people like himself who worked and saved to pay his children’s college expenses.
“Look, the fairest principle for organizing society is that each person should contribute according to his ability and each person should be rewarded according to his need,” Warren asserted. “You were able to work two jobs and could afford to pay your kids’ way. Not everyone has as much energy or willingness to sacrifice. These less able people deserve the support of the government, and, indirectly, the support of those like yourself, as a means of redistributing the benefits of energy and self-sacrifice more broadly across the whole human family.”
“You need to correct your way of thinking,” she added. “Rather than focusing on a debunked idea that individuals are entitled to keep what they earn or own, when I am president all earnings and assets will go into a common pool and be distributed to whoever the government decides needs these earnings and property the most.”
Liberal Hack Fabricates Story
CNN reporter Joe Lockhart “broke a story” he at first claimed to be based on a conversation he said he overheard between two GOP senators. He alleged that the senators were dazzled by the “irrefutable arguments” of House impeachment manager Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) that supposedly “left the entire Republican Party in deep s**t.” Later Lockhart admitted he made up the story, but still vouched for its “veracity, because we all know what the GOP scum are thinking.”
CNN president Jeff Zucker defended Lockharts’s methods saying, “when the target isn’t forthcoming about what he’s really thinking we expect our news staff to fill in the gaps with plausible assertions regarding the unspoken thoughts and motives they are trying to conceal. This is the kind of ‘outside the box’ approach that wins Pulitzers. I’m not going to cramp our journalists’ style if it ruffles feathers that deserve ruffling.”
In related news, the Biden for President campaign ordered the media “not to pry into the thoroughly debunked theory that Joe or Hunter did anything wrong” even though the then Vice-President Biden threatened to withhold one billion dollars in US aid from Ukraine unless that government fired the prosecutor investigating the corrupt Burisma Corporation that paid Hunter a million dollars a year to sit on its board of directors.
Normally, one might expect that such a demand might pique a genuine journalist’s curiosity. However, MSNBC anchor Heidi Przybla hailed the Biden demand as “a brilliant preemptive strike. It reminds us all to continue to hold the line. As long as none of us break rank, the Bidens will be safe.”
Schumer Laments Schiff and Nadler Tactics
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) lamented that “the abrasive style exhibited by the House impeachment managers may have doomed our chances for success. Calling senators ‘traitors’ if they don’t vote to convict Trump is too heavy-handed. Though we might think they are traitors if they don’t vote for conviction, saying this out loud is not wise. Similarly, threatening them with jail strikes me as premature. We might eventually get there if we defeat Trump and gain a majority in both houses on election day, but it’s foolish to warn our enemies in advance.”
Meanwhile, Vice-President Joe Biden flatly refused to testify in the impeachment trial citing his “right as a presidential candidate to not be forced to answer questions that might tend to benefit my opponent. Trump is already impeached for asking Ukraine’s president to look into the business affairs of the company that hired my son. If I testify I’ll be setting myself up to be impeached after I win the election, unless, of course, Democrats also win control of the House and Senate.”
Virginia Dems Kill Gun Bill
Despite their proclaimed intent to “make Virginia safer from gun violence,” the Democrat majority in the legislature voted to kill HB 1175. This bill would’ve increased the penalty for using a gun in the commission of several felonies.
House of Delegates member Chris Hurst (D-Phil) called the measure “an attempt to distract us from our mission to disarm all the people of this state. Our opponents would like to narrow the focus to only those who use guns to commit crimes. The population of criminals is but a tiny fraction of those who own guns. Penalizing only the use of guns in criminal acts overlooks the 99% of the population who are not currently criminals. We cannot be safe if this population is allowed to freely own and carry firearms.”
Fellow Delegate Dan Helmer (D-Fairfax) pointed out the discriminatory intent of the GOP bill by reminding that “for the 99 percent cited by Chris, guns are just a hobby or avocation. Taking their guns away leaves them relatively unscathed. For the 1 percent targeted for extra punishment by the Republicans, guns are tools of trade. A robber’s ability to support his family would be seriously diminished if he couldn’t use a gun. The longer prison sentences proposed for using guns to ply their trade is unduly harsh. Democratic principles require that all members of society be treated equally. Our Party’s universal ban on gun ownership implements equality. The GOP bill does not.”
In related news, not content with their assault on the US Constitution’s Second Amendment, the Virginia legislature is considering an assault on the First Amendment. House Bill 1627, introduced by Delegate Jeffrey Bourne (D-Richmond), would implement criminal penalties for “excessively harsh or strident criticism of state government officers including the governor, Governor-elect, lieutenant governor, lieutenant governor-elect, attorney general, or attorney general-elect, a member or employee of the General Assembly, a justice of the Supreme Court of Virginia, or a judge of the Court of Appeals of Virginia.”
Biden Bids to Corner the Drunk Driver Vote
In the former vice-president’s addled brain, “drunk driving isn’t really a crime we should be deporting people for. Many members of Congress have gotten behind the wheel of a car when they shouldn’t have. Fortunately, we have immunity from arrest going to and from our duties in Congress. I don’t see any good reason why newcomers from foreign lands shouldn’t have the same right. That would be the democratic thing to do. I mean, it’s not as if they are any worse than the average American citizen.”
However, statistics do not support Biden’s perception. The so-called “dreamers,” for which President Obama abused his authority in order to shelter them from being deported for breaking our immigration laws, have a school dropout rate three times higher and a crime rate two times higher than the national averages. This contradicts Biden’s boast that “dreamers are more American than most Americans.” Well, at least were lucky enough to have this “centrist” vying for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination.
Schiff Warns “This May Be Our Last Chance to Escape Tyranny”
As he wrapped up his argument for convicting Trump and removing him from office, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) asked senators “to reflect on the damage he will do to our country if he is allowed to remain president. In the three years he’s been in office he has disrupted so many long-held policies and trends that it is difficult to imagine the horror that awaits us if he is not stopped.”
“Look what he has done to our economy,” Schiff urged. “Millions of people, many of them minorities, have been lured off of welfare into wage-slavery. Others have become millionaires because of the soaring business growth following the deregulation and tax cuts Trump forced through. If we allow voters to reelect this monster we can expect to see more of this type of capitalist exploitation. Recent polls have shown that a distressingly large percentage of minorities have fallen for the temptations of prosperity and may jettison their traditional voting behavior. This would dramatically alter the political balance to the detriment of democracy.”
“The way Trump has mistreated the White House staff foreshadows the fate of so many loyal career public servants,” Schiff warned. “By the end of the third year of Obama’s presidency, salaries for his White House staff totaled $60.9 million. Right now, salaries for Trump’s White House staff total $35.8 million. Obama had 517 staff employees. Trump has 377. Michelle Obama had 44 staff on her payroll. Melania has five. Trump is decimating government. Many who looked forward to cushy lifetime sinecures will likely be forced into the commercial workforce where pay is tied to productivity and performance. This president clearly poses a greater threat to the permanent state than any hostile foreign power or terrorist organization.”
“We can’t sit by idle and count on voters to make the right choice in November,” Schiff said. “We tried that approach in 2016. I don’t need to tell you how badly that turned out. It’s up to you senators to prevent that by convicting, removing, and disqualifying Trump from ever again holding the office of president. This may be our last chance to escape tyranny.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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