Top 10 Semi-News Posts of 2019!

January 20
University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality

American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.

“Grading papers based on their quality imposes ‘white’ standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating,” Inoue explained. “Just because a student’s writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn’t mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation’s highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren’t as important as we previously have thought.”

As an alternative to assessing quality, Inoue recommends “using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student’s writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade.”

February 3
Veep Scares Satan Worshippers

Lucien Greaves, co-founder and chief spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, expressed fear that Republican Vice-President Mike Pence’s religious views unfairly favor good over evil. “Under our Constitution, all religious views are protected from discriminatory laws and policies,” Greaves asserted. “Yet, we see the vice-president of the United States repeatedly speaking out against evil, which is the core tenet of our faith.”

“Worse, antipathy to our faith receives routine support from the brainwashed majority of Americans,” Greaves complained. “We are a minority in need of protection from the hostility of the majority. We are pleased that the New York State legislature recognized a woman’s legal right to sacrifice her child at the point of birth. But this fulfillment of our faith’s most sacred rite is in danger of being overturned by the majority that opposes our unpopular beliefs. While we are confident that Democrats in Congress will prevent this, we are less confident that a Supreme Court packed with Trump appointees will. They may seek to restore the limits on third-trimester abortions included in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

A ray of hope was provided by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-Calif) vow that “Mr. Greaves can count on Democrats to continue to do the Lord’s work. The people have rejected the straight-jacket that Pence and those like him want to impose to restrict their freedom to live by whatever values they choose for themselves. Government must not be used to favor good over evil.”

February 24
Teachers Assail Bill Banning Political Indoctrination

Proposed legislation establishing a code of ethics for public school teachers in Maine has some teachers in an uproar. The bill (LD-589) was introduced by Rep. Larry Lockman (R-Amherst). The provision causing the uproar prohibits teachers from engaging in political advocacy and requires that materials from both sides of controversial topics be made available to students.

Lockman maintains that “teachers have an obligation not to abuse their captive audiences by indoctrinating them into supporting a politically slanted point of view. They should be teaching students how to find information, how to weigh competing opinions, and how to respectfully debate those they disagree with. My bill serves as a reminder of the genuine obligations of the true educator.”

Matthew Drewette-Card, the vice president of the Maine Association of Supervision and Curriculum Development, submitted testimony asserting that “the bill would abridge teachers’ rights. Advocating for the correct way of thinking and the rejection of incorrect thought is the very essence of education. A lot of progress has been made over the past few decades in guiding children toward the appropriate attitudes and choices for a moral society. The millennials’ acceptance of socialism and wealth redistribution are evidence of the importance of preserving these teachers’ rights.”

March 24
Dems Point Out Eerie Parallels Between Trump and Hitler

In a bid to bolster their contention that President Trump is the worst person to ever occupy the Oval Office, House of Representatives Democratic Whip James Clyburn (SC) listed what he termed “the frightening and eerie parallels between Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. Both abstained from consuming alcohol. Both were elected with less than a majority of the popular vote. Both characterized their predecessors as ineffective and corrupt. Both came to power as outsiders without prior experience in government. Both achieved a strong economy and military. It could hardly be clearer that President Trump is the biggest threat to America and the world in my lifetime.”

Fellow historian and House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (NY) added “both criticized the international order. Both were for law and order. Both held xenophobic views. Hitler wanted Germany for Germans. Trump wants America for Americans. Both sent troops into foreign lands.”

“Further, Trump’s intention to block the entry of newcomers into the United States even though Congress opposes him is tyranny,” Nadler claimed. “In my opinion, impeachment is too mild of a remedy. If Hitler hadn’t committed suicide he would have been hanged. Our biggest problem is that Trump will never commit suicide. I pray that we have the same strength of character to take the drastic actions needed to save this country and the world that FDR did during the 1940s.”

April 7
Unemployment Low “Concerning,” Says Pelosi

This past week, filings for unemployment benefits fell to a level not seen since December of 1969. While most reasonable individuals would consider this an encouraging development, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) begged to differ.

“Unemployment benefits have always been a key weapon against economic recession,” she contended. “Putting money in the hands of those who have lost their jobs is the best stimulant for the economy in times of trouble. In this respect, I find the decline in filings to be extremely frightening.”

“The euphoria now being experienced by Trump and the Republicans overlooks the danger of relying on full employment to drive the economy forward,” Pelosi warned. “This approach requires the continued production of useful goods and services to sustain household incomes. In contrast, government subsidies like unemployment benefits do not require the production of anything of value. These payments can be made while plants remain idle—allowing a win-win scenario of increased leisure and sustained household income.”

White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow dismissed Pelosi’s “addled economic thinking. The wealth of nations consists of the real goods and services produced by the cooperative efforts of capital and labor. Unemployment benefits contribute nothing to this process. At best they can serve as a temporary mitigation for a limited number of out-of-work individuals. Even then, payment of these benefits is only possible if the necessary real wealth is created by actual production.”

August 11
CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN’s Reza Aslan called “Trump’s supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters” who “must be eradicated from society.” Aslan insisted he wasn’t advocating violence: “I’m not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination.”

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are “part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater’s special summer show: ‘We the People.’” The show’s plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says “we’re using horror to bring a message of unity.”

September 29
Dem Calls Trump “Treason” Comment “Treasonous”

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) denounced President Trump’s suggestion that spying on him by the CIA might be treason. “We should thank our lucky stars that there are people within the federal government who are not intimidated by Trump’s election as president,” Schiff exclaimed. “The fearless heroes of the CIA and FBI who have diligently worked to undo the tragic results of the 2016 presidential election deserve our thanks and praise. Trump’s attempt to portray what they have done in a negative light is despicable.”

“Clearly, Trump’s request to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky that his government look into a matter that occurred years ago between then Vice-President Biden and the previous Ukrainian administration is what is really treasonous,” Schiff argued. “Trump’s attempt to portray the leverage Vice-President Biden utilized to help out his son as a bad thing was an attack on family values. Joe Biden previously lost his eldest son, Beau, to brain cancer. His youngest son, Hunter, was facing a rocky future after being ousted from the US Navy for drug addiction. The millions in consultant fees that Joe helped him obtain from a Ukrainian company enabled Hunter to avoid becoming unemployed and saved the government the expense of having to pay unemployment benefits to Joe’s boy. Trump’s slander against Joe warrants his impeachment.”

A contrasting view was offered by Ukrainian Prosecutor General of Ukraine Viktor Shokin. “I had been investigating numerous instances of potential corruption,” Shokin said. “The hiring of Hunter Biden—a man with no expertise in Ukrainian affairs or the energy business interests of Burisma—for essentially a ‘no show’ job raised my suspicions. The very public demand by Vice-President Biden, who apparently had the full support of President Obama, that my investigation be stopped or crucial financial aid to my country would be blocked was pure extortion. President Poroshenko met Biden’s demand by firing me. Biden’s later public boasting about how he got me fired confirms my suspicions about the corrupt nature of his son’s hiring by Burisma.”

October 6
Candidate Says Spending Stats Support Transition to Socialism

The Bureau of Labor Statistics Consumer Expenditure Survey showing that Americans spent more on taxes in 2018 than on food, clothing and health care combined was hailed by Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren as “proof that socialism works and that the transition to a centrally directed economy will be relatively painless.”

The combined payments the average American consumer unit made in 2018 for five categories of taxes—federal income taxes, Social Security taxes, state and local income taxes, property taxes; and other taxes was $18,617. In 2013, the average American consumer unit paid a combined $13,327 for the same five categories. This 40-percent tax hike in only five years was labeled “very encouraging” by the senator.

“Republican arguments that voters can’t afford socialism or that they will fight to resist increasing levies on their income and wealth are rebutted by these data,” Warren declared. “The thing that spurred the American Revolution in 1776 was taxation without representation. Today, Americans are fully represented by the people they elect. These elected representatives are the ones who have imposed the taxes that the general public willingly pays because they have confidence that the government will wisely handle their money—shifting it from frivolous and selfish expenditures for private pleasure to urgently needed public uses like free college tuition and free health care for the millions of Latinos that are bravely crossing our southern border.”

November 3
Pelosi Praises Patriotism of Deep State

With the House finally endorsing the impeachment process being spearheaded by Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), Speaker Nancy Pelosi took a moment “to give credit to the members of the deep state that made this possible. The willingness of men like James Comey, John Brennan, Peter Strzok, and others to go outside the bounds of strict obedience to the law despite the peril to their reputations, must not be overlooked or taken for granted. Their hyping of the Steele Dossier and surveillance of the Trump campaign nearly turned the 2016 election in Hillary’s favor.”

“Though that effort was thwarted by ill-informed voters in strategically positioned states, they didn’t give up,” she continued. “Before Trump was inaugurated they implemented plan B to undermine his ability to carry out his agenda. The covert surveillance of Trump and his supporters was extended. A Special Prosecutor was appointed to provide nearly two years worth of leaks alleging wrongdoing that fed a relentless media campaign against the illegitimate president. After that effort failed to oust Trump, plan C was launched as a CIA mole within the Trump Administration worked with Rep. Schiff to assail Trump’s authority to investigate foreign involvement with the deep state’s pre-election anti-Trump activities.”

“The persistence of these heroic men should be commended,” Pelosi urged. “Though not explicitly provided for in our Constitution, the deep state has organically evolved over the years to protect the nation from mistakes made by voters and to ensure that the permanent interests of the government would not be disrupted by unwarranted changes in administrations. The complaints from Trump and his backers should not be allowed to tarnish the work of these patriots. If it weren’t for them we’d have no viable way of getting rid of a man who never should have been elected president.”

November 17
“Hearsay Better than Direct Evidence”

While fans of the TV show Perry Mason are very familiar with the inadmissibility of “hearsay” testimony, Rep. Mike Quigley (D-Ill) asserted at the Schiff impeachment hearing that “hearsay can be much better evidence than direct evidence. Rather than being a collection of isolated facts, hearsay has the distinct advantage of having been vetted by the layers of people telling other people what they heard. This gives it the chance to gel into a coherent narrative in ways that direct evidence might not.”

“The most astounding aspect of what we’ve heard from Taylor, Kent, and Yovanovitch is that while none of them were among those listening in on Trump’s phone call to Zelensky they were in perfect agreement that there was something wrong with it,” Quigley said. “These witnesses have decades of experience in the US State Department. That experience has given them a unified vision of what our foreign policy should be and how Trump has deviated from that norm.”

“The great travesty in the case of Yovanovitch is that she was fired by Trump for trying to enforce normal foreign policy,” Quigley added. “It’s an unforgivable injustice for a career diplomat to be fired over a mere disagreement about foreign policy. Trump’s assertion that the policies she favored had been failing for years is only an opinion, not, in my mind, sufficient cause to remove her from office. We shouldn’t be surprised that she broke down in tears during her deposition seeing how badly she’s been treated.”

More astounding than the groupthink of the aforementioned long time bureaucrats was the admission under oath of both Kent and Yovanovitch that they had been briefed on the shady dealings of Burisma and Biden more than three years ago. Kent even went so far as to acknowledge that “further investigation into those dealings is warranted because we can’t have US tax dollars used in a way that fosters more corruption in Ukraine.”

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