Biden Touts His Ukraine Expertise

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Investigators in Ukraine have announced a probe of former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden. The issue is whether he illegally pressured the government to fire Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin in 2016.

Biden immediately insisted “damn right I got that guy fired. But it was completely legal. President Obama gave me the authority to do whatever it took to get the job done. I alone among those running for president have the experience and know-how for dealing with Ukraine.”

Biden compared his “get tough approach” with “Trump’s weak and ineffective ‘phone-call diplomacy.’ As we all saw from the transcript, all Trump could bring himself to do was ask Ukraine to do us a favor and investigate Crowd Strike. Ukraine totally ignored this request because there was no ‘stick’ behind it. Well, when I’m president I won’t hesitate to use the ‘carrot or the stick’–whichever seems necessary—to let the Ukrainese know who’s the boss. I may offer a billion dollars to drop their investigation or I may drone one or more of their leaders as my good friend Obama did when he was president.”

Times Sued by Trump

The Trump campaign has filed a lawsuit against the New York Times for a 2019 article that claimed Trump had a deal with Putin for Russian help against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. The suit cites a total lack of evidence or facts in the Times article and argues that the paper showed a “reckless disregard for the truth and malice toward the candidate.”

Spokesperson for the Times Gunar Bile belittled the suit, calling it “legally merit-less. The courts have granted the press blanket immunity against libel claims unless the plaintiff can prove malice. Malice is a subjective thing. What Trump sees as malice others see as dedication. Since the authors of the article in question truly believe that Trump is evil incarnate, any tactic used against this evil is warranted. While we may not have found any evidence to support what was written doesn’t matter. It is not illegal to lie about the devil. We are confident that the court understands our perspective and will dismiss this suit.”

Dems Refuse to Condemn Praise for Castro

In his quest to win votes for transforming America into a socialist country, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders has been emphasizing the positive achievements of Cuba’s former long-time dictator Fidel Castro. Two of the positives that Sanders has cited during the debates have been literacy and health care. “Under Castro’s rule they implemented a highly motivating incentive to learn to read: if you didn’t you’d be forced to labor in the fields,” Sanders remembered. “Let’s give credit where credit is due. Seeing the problems we are having in this country, a policy of shipping non-learners off to labor battalions is an idea we might want to consider.”

Castro, of course, had his political opponents executed or imprisoned. His socialist policies impoverished the country inspiring hundreds of thousands to try to escape to the United states on leaky boats and home-made rafts. Health care was made a “human right,” but the care has been mostly of very low quality for the average citizen. The literacy program leaned heavily on teaching children to read communist propaganda.

Democrats in the US House of Representatives rejected a resolution introduced by Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-Fla) condemning Castro’s tyranny. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that “the resolution was too one-sided. We don’t like tyranny, but we need to acknowledge that even tyranny isn’t all bad. Reading propaganda is still reading and low-quality health care may be all that a poor country like Cuba can afford. Besides, the proportion of the Cuban population imprisoned is only one-half of a percent. That’s lower than the percent imprisoned in our so-called ‘free country.’”

In related news, Sanders’ popularity among millennials may be explained by a finding from a report published by the Global Financial Literacy Excellence Center at the George Washington University that only 16  percent of millennials are financially literate and of millennials who self-identified as financially literate only 19 percent are.

CNN Commentator Chastises Black Trump Supporters

With polls trending toward a more favorable view of President Trump among African-American voters, CNN’s Angela Rye expressed her dismay. “Shame on you,” she exclaimed. “Our people have been voting Democrat since FDR was president. Are you going to turn your back on this long-term bond?”

Rye called the record unemployment lows under Trump’s policies “crumbs. It might seem great to have a job or own a small business, but do you realize that these options force you to work to earn a living? Democrats are the ones that have abolished having to work for a living for millions of our people. Choosing between a generous friend who asks for nothing in return and an employer who offers you a job should be a ‘no brainer.’ Take the free stuff! Vote for the Party that will give it to you.”

Laticia Okombo, owner of a nail salon in Richmond, Virginia disagreed with Rye’s perspective. “What the Democrats offer is like a narcotic,” she said. “Getting something for nothing sounds good, but before you know it you’ve lost all your energy and ambition. I want to build my own future. The freedom bolstered by Trump’s deregulation and tax cuts will help me do this. He has my gratitude and will have my vote come November.”

Senate Dems Block Bill Against Infanticide

Democrats in the US Senate were able to exploit the cloture rule to prevent the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” from coming to a vote. The bill introduced by Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Neb) would have required a health care practitioner to render medical assistance to a baby that survives an attempted abortion.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called the legislation “fake, dishonest, and extreme legislation. It would interfere with the final execution of a woman’s decision to terminate an unwanted child. Just because a doctor flubs the abortion procedure doesn’t mean the mother’s right to abort this child is null and void. A surviving baby outside the womb foists the responsibility of caring for it back onto an unwilling parent or onto society. As Democrats we cannot allow this infringement on basic human rights to be enacted into law.”

Buttigieg Explains Limits of Religious Freedom

Claiming to be the “only true Christian running for president this year,” Democratic candidate, former Mayor Pete Buttigieg explained why religious objections to the LGBTQ agenda “cannot be allowed.”

“The right to freedom of religion is a right to worship as you choose as long as what you choose to believe does not contradict the public policy guaranteeing that lesbians,’ gays,’ bisexuals,’ transsexuals,’ and queers’ rights to be accepted as they are,” Buttigieg said. “In the privacy of your own mind you can harbor whatever thoughts you want, but in public you must obey the laws enacted by our courts on this very sensitive topic. For example, let’s say you run a business and one of your employees comes out as trans. That employee has the right to dress however they see fit. You have the obligation to use whatever pronoun that employee wants used. You cannot refuse because it offends your conscience or religious beliefs. You cannot refuse on the grounds that it may offend customers and hurt your business. Your business, your conscience are not important enough to outweigh the civic rights government has extended to these courageous individuals.”

“Look, if we’re willing to compel people to fund abortions with their tax dollars even though they believe abortion is murder, I think compelling people to accept sexual behavior they consider deviant is a ‘no brainer,’” the Mayor argued. “Like Chasten often playfully says to me, ‘I think it’s time to turn the other cheek’ on this topic. These wise words from my adorable husband are ones we all can benefit from.”

Judge Refuses to Recuse

Amy Berman-Jackson, the judge who presided over the trial of President Trump’s friend Roger Stone, rejected his lawyers’ request that she recuse herself from deciding whether Stone is entitled to a new trial. Since Stone was convicted it has been discovered that Tomeka Hart, the jury foreman at the trial, was a prolific anti-Trump tweeter and poster prior to being selected as a juror.

Seth Ginsberg, an attorney for Stone, argued that “such a biased person should not have been allowed on the jury. It is the prospective juror’s duty to reveal any prejudices she might have toward the defendant before she is impaneled. It is also the judge’s duty to ferret out any biases among those selected to be on the jury. Neither Ms. Hart nor Judge Jackson performed their legal obligations. Mr. Stone deserves a new trial before an impartial jury and judge. Rather than take the appropriate action to achieve a fair trial, Judge Jackson seems intent to further perpetuate the injustice already inflicted on our client.”

Jackson rebutted Ginsberg’s contention with her own assertion that “a random group of 12 jurors is bound to include some who are antagonistic to the President. It would be neither practical nor fair to try for a jury of individuals uninformed or indifferent to Trump. Likewise, the majority of judges are also opposed to Trump’s politics. As a member of that majority, it is fitting that I see this judicial proceeding to the end.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bloomberg Calls Current Election Rules ‘Inefficient’

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender and former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg lamented that “the $400 million I’ve had to spend on my campaign shows how inefficient the process is. Not only am I out a huge chunk of change, but TV viewers across America are having their homes flooded with my ads. There has to be a better way.”

What a better way might look like, according to Bloomberg, is “like we do it in the business world. When a man with resources sees a company being run ineffectively he buys the owners out. Both sides benefit. The incompetent owners get paid and a better management is installed. Look, the other candidates running for the Democratic presidential nomination have no realistic hope of winning. The sensible option for them would be to agree to drop out in exchange for a generous payment from me. Today, I’m announcing that whoever drops out first will be gifted—so it’s tax-free–$20 million in cash. Whoever drops out second will get $19 million and so on until the field is cleared of dead wood.”

The already-dropped-out Andrew Yang was the first to accept Bloomberg’s offer, saying “think of how many families I can give $1,000 a month to with this gift.” However, Bloomberg quickly pointed out “you already dropped out for free. Only those still in the race, like that fat broad from Minnesota, the preachy Pete, and malarkey Joe are eligible.”

The former Mayor acknowledged “there may be a lot of caterwauling from the attention hounds and their media running dogs, but I think the common people will appreciate my approach. Rather than being tasked with a decision they aren’t qualified to make, they will enjoy the kind of improved product or service that occurs in the corporate world when bad leadership is replaced by superior leadership via the buy-out method.”

In related news, Marquette University political science professor Julia Azari called for “allowing elites to have a bigger say in how we choose who governs us. If the 2016 election proved anything it was that letting people’s votes decide who becomes president is too risky. That’s what gave us Trump. The better model was the ‘super delegate’ system used by the Democrats to ensure that the most qualified person got their Party’s nomination. I think what we should do now is replicate that approach for the general election. Let people cast votes to generate a list of potential presidents. Then have those with the most relevant experience—government employees—have the final say on who becomes their next boss.”

Cal Gov Proposes “Prescriptions for Houses”

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) is proposing to solve the homeless problem in his state by authorizing doctors to prescribe housing. “Having a comfortable and safe place to live is just as important to a person’s health as insulin or antibiotics,” he asserted. “Armed with a prescription from a doctor, a homeless person could then draw upon Medicaid resources to either buy a home or pay rent.”

Newsom called his idea “pure genius. Right now, there is no legal mandate for guaranteeing housing for the homeless. Ten million Californians, one in four, suffer from some type of behavioral health condition. This includes virtually all of the homeless. By authorizing doctors to prescribe housing for these unfortunates, we turn it into a human right. This will sweep aside all legitimate objections to spending whatever it takes to see that everyone has a home by simply saying ‘doctors’ orders’ to all those who oppose this desperately needed action.”

In other California news, Assembly members Lorena Gonzalez (D–San Diego) and Christina Garcia (D–Bell Gardens) introduced a bill that would require adult entertainers to obtain a business license and complete a state-mandated training course before being allowed to ply their trade. Gonzalez explained that “pornography is the fastest growing form of entertainment in America. It is time for the government to step in to ensure that the quality of this entertainment doesn’t get diluted by poorly trained performers. The regulations implemented by our bill will prevent this from happening.”

Sanders Defends His “Better off 45 Years Ago” Claim

Though a record high 90 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) claimed during the Nevada debate that “workers are not.” When all compensation is considered—including wages and benefits—the returns on work are about 45% higher than they were in the 1970s. Back then, more than 40% of a family’s income was spent on food and clothing. Today, less than 20% is spent on these items. Life-expectancy has also increased by 6 years, occupational fatalities declined from 14,000 per year to 5,000, and child mortality rates have declined by 70%–all pretty good measures of improved well-being.

Sanders himself seems to be much better off than he was 45 years ago. Despite never having held a serious job, he is a millionaire, owns a $1.2 million home in Vermont, a $575,000 house on the shore of Lake Champlain, and a townhouse in Washington, DC worth an estimated $560,000. Considering he was kicked out of a commune in 1971 for being lazy, he’s done remarkably well for himself since then.

The Senator challenged the assumption that mere financial gains or longer life-expectancy “is an adequate measure. Forty-five years ago there was still a Soviet Union. The existence of this workers’ paradise served as a beacon of hope for humanity. Its collapse in the 1990s extinguished that beacon. Not only am I the only presidential candidate to publicly recognize that, I am the only one who can credibly promise to transform this country into a new beacon of hope for the grand vision of a communist future for the world.”

Elsewhere on the Sanders campaign trail, the Senator exploded with rage at NBC and MSNBC executives for their “unfairly negative coverage” and warned that “when I’m president, news casts will tell the truth or face the consequences. The people have the right not to be told lies. I will enforce that right by prosecuting the liars and shutting down dishonest TV stations like yours.”

Trump Appeals to “Debased People”

Political, legal and ethics expert, former CIA Director John Brennan declared that “President Trump has the backing of a very debased group of people.” His evidence, such as it is, was Trump’s public criticism of the dual legal standards being applied to liars.

“For Trump to imply that the same laws should apply to sainted public servants like James Comey and low-lifes like Roger Stone is outrageous,” Brennan said. “What people forget is that law enforcers like Comey are explicitly granted the right to lie if, in their opinion, it is necessary to entrap bad actors. The universal consensus of those of us serving President Obama was that Trump is definitely a bad actor. Consequently, anything Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and others chose to do to protect the nation from him was, and still is, permissible.”

”Stone, on the other hand, is just a private citizen and has no right to obstruct law enforcement officers by lying to them,” Brennan asserted. “He needs to go to prison for as long a term as possible to serve as an example to others who might be tempted to interfere with what we in government are trying to do to impose order on society. Trump’s objection to this is further proof of his guilt in the so far successful effort to seize power by defeating the far more deserving and competent Hillary Clinton in 2016.”

In related news, Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder castigated investigative reporter Paul Sperry for exposing the possible biases of Molly Gaston, the DOJ attorney who declined to prosecute Andrew McCabe for leaking and lying. “Criticizing government for reaching different decisions about which lawbreakers to prosecute and which to let go as Sperry has done is an abuse of freedom of the press,” Holder contended. “In such instances, reporters have the right to remain silent and should exercise this right by shutting the Hell up.”

Dem Not Impressed by Record Low Black Unemployment

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) dismissed the record-low black unemployment under President Donald Trump, calling it “unimpressive. Since when is forcing an increasing percentage of African-Americans to support themselves by taking jobs an improvement in their condition? The whole point of President Johnson’s Great Society initiative was to spare as many as could be spared from the drudgery of working. Let’s not forget that under slavery African-Americans were fully employed. I just can’t see Trump’s move toward recreating that situation as a good thing.”

Bill Will Force Home-Schoolers to Use State Lessons

Mississippi state Rep. John Hines Sr. (D-Greenville) has introduced legislation that would compel parents who home-school their children to use the same state-approved lessons that public schools use to teach History and American Government.

Hines claims that “home-schoolers have too much freedom to teach their own children. The result is that these children are being denied their appropriate place among the collective body of students. They will have non-conforming opinions and beliefs that will increase the chance they will become social and political misfits. My bill will save these unfortunate children from that fate by either forcing their parents to replicate the teaching done in the public schools or convincing them that they may as well send their children to the public school where they will be properly instructed on what to think.”

Mississippi Center for Public Policy (MCPP) communications director Brett Kittredge opposes the bill, calling it “an infringement on parental rights. It is our position that parents have the strongest motives for wanting to do what’s best for their own children. Those that choose to home-school take on the considerable burden of educating their children. Their reasons for doing this stem from dissatisfaction with how the public schools will educate their children. Forcing them to replicate what goes on in the public schools does nothing to overcome the deficiencies that led to the decision to home-school. Considering the widely known failures of public schools there is no mandate for the coercion this bill envisions.”

“The very fact that there is opposition to my bill shows why it is needed,” Hines argued. “We need to cultivate a common set of values and beliefs among our children. The easiest way to achieve this is for all to be taught the same material in the same way. This will lessen disagreements and produce more harmony. Allowing home-schooling was a mistake. Ideally, all children should go to the same schools where they can learn the same lessons. We can at least mitigate the damage done by home-schooling if we control what parents are allowed to teach.”

Meanwhile in neighboring Alabama, Rep. Rolanda Hollis (D) has introduced legislation that mandates involuntary sterilization of men who have either reached the age of 50 or have already fathered three or more children. Hollis calls her bill “a sensible step toward reducing the need to abort so many children. Personally, I’d favor castration as the best way for ensuring that a man could not cause an unwanted pregnancy, but my bill mercifully allows the targeted men to opt for vasectomies.”

Biden May Rule Out Second Term

Former Vice-President Joe Biden promised not to run for a second term “if I’m demented when the time comes to begin campaigning.” His statement meant to reassure voters reminded many of his seeming dementia on current campaign stops. Rival presidential contender former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg pointed out that “forgetting where you are and angry outbursts are classic signs of dementia. If he wants to keep his promise not to inflict the country with a mentally challenged president he should drop out of the 2020 race.”

Meanwhile, in a bid to shore up his appeal to black voters, Biden told a small gathering at a South Carolina “Five-and-Diner” that he and America’s UN Ambassador Andrew Young were arrested and tortured by South African police when they tried to visit Nelson Mandela in the late 1970s. “I knew the risks going in, but I was determined to pay tribute to this great African leader,” Biden recalled. Ambassador Young acknowledged going to South Africa with Biden around that time, but denied that either of them was arrested or tortured.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Rift Between Sanders & AOC

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Faiz Shakir is reportedly peeved over Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s neglect to sufficiently mention Sanders’ name as she was campaigning on his behalf while he was tied up at Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate.

Ocasio-Cortez brushed aside Shakir’s complaints, saying “revolution is not about egotistic self-aggrandizement. It’s about being right on the issues. Socialism is for the masses. Individuals don’t matter. The collective does.”

“In terms of ideology, she is, of course, correct,” Shakir said. “However, we need to have voters select the name of the person they want to be their president. It is not enough to recapitulate our grievances against capitalism. Repeating the candidate’s name on the campaign trail is essential to informing voters who will carry out the socialist program. In this regard AOC fell short.”

US Oil Production Undermines OPEC

Last year, oil production on federally owned land topped one billion barrels. This is up by 29 percent over the peak quantity produced during any year of the Obama Administration. Acting Assistant Secretary of the Interior Casey Hammond credited President Trump for the increase, saying that “opening up land that President Obama had put off limits has led to the United States becoming the world’s foremost energy supplier. This has lowered prices, boosted our economy and weakened the oil cartel.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden pounced on this accomplishment, calling it “a wrong turn. We need to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels. President Obama understood that in order to do this prices had to be high enough to deter people from consuming energy. The economic boom unleashed by Trump’s policies on energy, taxes, and regulations have derailed the fundamental transformation Obama had in mind—less energy consumption, slower economic growth, and more modest standards of living for Americans.”

“Trump has foolishly flaunted his America first agenda,” Biden added. “This antagonizes other nations who were looking forward to the greater equality that President Obama had promised them. That’s why we need a president like me to replace him. I am the guy who can take this country down a peg or two, reassure the rest of the world that we’re just an average run-of-the-mill country so they have nothing to fear from us, and, thereby, promote more lasting peace.”

In related news, Biden vowed “to put a stop to the extreme loss of ice in Antarctica by issuing an emergency Executive Order to begin immediate shipments of some of those giant fans like they have near Palm Springs to cool the place down. I will also authorize immediate entry into the United States for any Antarcticans whose igloos are destroyed by the melting ice.”

Buttigieg & Klobuchar Spar Over Pro-Lifers

Surging Democratic presidential candidates former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) staked out different positions concerning whether individuals opposed to abortion could be good Democrats.

Buttigieg asserted that “the Bible tells us that life begins with breath. As long as the baby can be prevented from breathing no transgression occurs from aborting its birth. The platform of the Democratic Party conforms to this Biblical guideline by favoring the right of every woman to have an abortion if she wants one. A person who opposes this very fundamental human right isn’t really a Democrat. Allowing such a person inside the Party makes about as much sense as allowing an Independent to run for our Party’s presidential nomination.”

Klobuchar disagreed, saying “I believe we are a ‘big tent’ Party. Of course our policy will always be 100 percent supportive toward a woman’s right to an abortion. However, I see no reason why pro-life individuals should be barred as long as they don’t publicly oppose the party’s stance. Winning elections requires effort. Every dollar, every phone call, every door-to-door visit helps. It would be foolish for us to refuse to take their donations of time and money. If they provide this help their person opinions don’t matter.”

Meanwhile, former Vice-President Joe Biden inadvertently endorsed Pete Buttigieg for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, saying “this guy has honor, he has courage, he’s smart as hell, clean and a good looking guy.” These words were reminiscent of those he used to endorse Barack Obama after his own bid for the Democratic presidential nomination failed in 2008. Reminded of this, Biden pointed out that “being VP isn’t a bad gig. Not too much is expected of you. You get to travel to exotic places, make new friends, and pursue business opportunities that aren’t available to average schmos. Heck, I’d re-up for that as Pete’s number two guy.”

DNC Bends Rules for Bloomberg

Even though the late-entry Democratic presidential candidate, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, doesn’t meet the party’s donor criteria for participating in the debates, Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez has decided to waive the requirements “for now.”

“I know that some will say that changing the rules at this late date is unfair to other candidates who have met all criteria and to other candidates who have been excluded for not meeting the criteria,” Perez admitted. “In my defense I ask Party members to just look at the sorry field of candidates we have left. We’ve got a communist leading the pack, a callow small-town mayor in second place, an addlepated former vice-president, a forked-tongued Indian impersonator, and a senator nobody’s ever heard of. As the head of the DNC I can’t sit by and allow the Party to go down in flames if one of these weak reeds tries to go head-to-head with Trump.”

“Let’s face it, the ‘grassroots’ ploy hasn’t produced a credible array of potential presidents,” Perez continued. “Mayor Bloomberg has money. In politics money talks. More specifically, Bloomberg’s money was crucial in helping the Party buy controlling interest in the Virginia legislature in the 2018 elections. He’s said he will spend whatever it takes of his multibillion dollar fortune to defeat Trump. That sounds like a more viable strategy than limping along with tiny donations from millions of ordinary people.”

According to the new debate rules, Bloomberg will be allowed to participate via pre-recorded campaign ads that will be played whenever a debate moderator calls on the candidate to respond to a question. Perez explained that “Michael told me that the amount of money he has to spend far outdistances the amount of time he is willing to spend on this campaign. He assures me that he will check in on the debates from his home in Bermuda if he is not too busy when they air.”

Warren Boasts About Taking Half a Bank Account

This week, fading presidential aspirant Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) boasted of receiving half of a low-income supporter’s total wealth to carry on her fight for the nomination. The “half” consisted of $3 out of a net worth of $6.

To many it seemed a callous act to take so much from someone who had so little. Warren didn’t see it that way. “In a way, it’s like buying a lottery ticket,” she contended. “If I’m elected I’m going to cancel her college debt. That’s thousands of dollars in return for her $3 donation.”

“It’s also a model for the kind of social justice system I’m trying to bring to our country,” she added. “In a just society everyone gives whatever they have to the collective. In return, the collective gives each person what she or he needs. All the anxiety and fretting over what is and isn’t affordable will be erased. If the government deems you need something and are worthy of having it, it will be given to you. Likewise, if your skills and efforts are needed to accomplish a goal the government is trying to fulfill, you will be assigned to accomplish this goal. No one will have to look for work. Work will be assigned based on ability. Alienation and loneliness will be abolished. All of humanity will toil for the common good.”

Nadler Warns Barr

This week House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr warning him “to not go too far with this whole Ukrainian thing” and “to stop listening to Giuliani.”

President Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani claims to have witnesses and evidence implicating the Obama White House in a covert attempt to use US government resources in an illegal operation to undermine the 2016 Trump campaign. “The great irony of the whole ‘Russian collusion’ accusation against Donald Trump is that it was President Obama, the FBI, and CIA that were colluding against Trump,” Guiliani said. “That’s the truth and the American people deserve to hear it.”

Thus far, Barr doesn’t seem to be moved by Nadler’s entreaties. “Sure, I’ll look at the information Giuliani has turned over to the DOJ. I’ll look at whatever evidence anyone turns over. Whether any of it will lead to any prosecutions or indictments can’t be determined until I thoroughly examine it.”

Unsettled by Barr’s response, Nadler pointed out that “this thing is bigger than whether the Bidens engaged in any untoward actions. A lot of important people are concerned about where this is headed. This includes former Secretary of State John Kerry, Sen. Mitt Romney, Bill and Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and billionaire activist George Soros. I’m not sure Barr appreciates the potential consequences of carrying this investigation any further. Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein.”

Competing Climate Change Approaches

Two radically different approaches for how to mitigate the potential negative impacts of climate change have been advanced recently. On the left we have The Ahuman Manifesto—a tract authored by Patricia MacCormack, a professor of continental philosophy at Anglia Ruskin University in the United Kingdom. The Professor argues for human extinction as the best solution to the perils of climate change.

“My interest in feminism and queer theory led me by a process of logical deduction to the conclusion that the human race must be exterminated in order to save the planet for other species,” she said. “Humankind is currently enslaved by capitalism. Killing people frees them from this slavery. Hitler, Stalin, and Mao were on the right track. By murdering millions they bravely paved the way for my theory to evolve. Many people are surprised by my book’s joyful and radical compassion for living creatures.”

On the right, we have Republicans in the House of Representatives introducing legislation giving tax-incentives for planting trees. Rep. Garret Graves (LA) called this legislation “a fact-based, realistic approach. Instead of wrecking our economy and generating more poverty and suffering by penalizing energy production, why not offset carbon emissions by feeding them to trees? Trees absorb CO2 and turn it into wood. This wood can be used to build housing, furniture, and other long-lasting implements that are beautiful and useful. In the process we also get more forests.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) harshly criticized the bill, saying “it does nothing about the most severe threat to the climate: Donald Trump. Rather than directly face this threat, Republicans are trying to push painless solutions to averting climate catastrophe. I say, ‘no pain, no gain.’ People must be taught a lesson. In this regard, I think Professor MacCormack’s approach is closer to what I believe the ultimate answer to climate change will have to be.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Employment Growth Rankles Sanders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The latest employment report for the US economy has Democratic presidential contender Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) warning voters about “Trump’s insidious plan to coerce the working class into actually working for a living. The leisure gains painstakingly accumulated over decades of government’s expansion of welfare benefits are being cast aside for a reactionary return to wage-slavery.”

Among the statistics assailed by Sanders were substantial “increases in labor force participation rates to highs not seen in decades, the disproportionate shift of the burden of production toward minorities, and the pitifully small boost in wages. These are not sufficient replacements for the staggering loss of welfare benefits being received by the poorest among us. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting that Black unemployment is now at its lowest point and wages at their highest point since we’ve been keeping track. Lifestyles that provided secure standards of living without forcing people to enter the rat race of the commercial marketplace are being swept away.”

The Candidate vowed to “reverse this ominous trend when I become president. Instead of pushing people into the job of feeding the golden goose, my administration will use the power of government to seize the goose and serve it to the people as reparations for the centuries of capitalistic exploitation that have enslaved the masses.”

Defections Plague Warren Campaign

This week, a half-dozen “women of color” defected from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s effort to win Democratic presidential delegates in Nevada. Megan Lewis, a field organizer blamed “a toxic culture that marginalized me as a woman of color. None of my suggestions were ever acted upon. I felt I was only on-board to give the appearance that the Candidate cared about my issues or me as a person.”

In response, Warren cited “America’s long history of racism and sexism” for the dust-up. “As a Native American woman, I, too, had to face racism and sexism on my path to eminence at Harvard and the US Senate. My mistake was in assuming that lesser people could persevere as I had. I was wrong. For this I hold Trump and every white male who has not supported my campaign personally responsible.”

Kristen Orthman, Warren’s campaign spokesperson, lamented “the actions of these campaign staffers. In a campaign there is only one chief and many ‘Indians.’ Each of these ‘Indians’ has an assigned role. For some, just being a visible member of a desirable demographic is their key function. Decisions on strategies, tactics, and how we communicate to voters are made at a higher level. Anyway, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion. We have more than a thousand people in our organization. These six malcontents represent less than one-percent of our troops fighting for the social justice the Senator will bring to this country as president.”

Buttigieg Threatens Senators

Bolstered by news that he was the choice of 26 percent of Iowa Democrats in this week’s presidential nomination caucus, former South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg struck a “no tolerance for congressional defiance” stance and vowed to “land Air Force One in the backyard of anyone of them who opposes my policies” during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo.

Oddly, the Mayor characterized his approach as “the very essence of what democracy is all about. The President is the elected leader of all of America. Senators and Representatives are elected by much smaller constituencies. We cannot allow these smaller constituencies to block the will of the majority who elected me.”

“Couldn’t President Trump have made a similar claim?” Cuomo asked. “He was elected to represent the entire nation, yet Congress, or at least the Democrats in Congress, have worked diligently against his policies and even impeached him. Why would you expect Congress not to oppose you?”

“Well, Trump was not really the people’s choice,” Buttigieg replied. “Early on, key members of the FBI realized that and took steps to try to prevent him from being president. Sadly, this effort, so far, has failed. The same wouldn’t be true in my case. I come to restore democracy to our country, not to undermine it like Trump has.”

Senator Denounced for Naming “Whistleblower”

Obama’s CIA Director John Brennan denounced Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) for naming Eric Ciaramella as the person behind the Democrats impeachment case against President Trump. “This man is beneath contempt,” Brennan asserted. “The effective wielding of power by government relies upon access to secret informers who must be able to make allegations without fear of contradiction or public disclosure of their identities. The supposed right to confront one’s accuser may be affordable when the issues are not so weighty. But the state must not be boxed in by this quaint artifact from the Bill of Rights. Too much is at stake for government’s hands to be tied so tightly.”

Paul responded saying “I categorically reject Mr. Brennan’s concept of how a government ought to be run. It was in response to tyrannical government practices entailing secret trials, anonymous witnesses, torture, and punishment without trials that led our Founding Fathers to include restrictions on such abuses in our Bill of Rights. Accusations can’t be fairly adjudicated if accusers are kept anonymous and testimony kept secret like Rep. Schiff did in the House’s impeachment hearings. No witnesses for the accused were permitted. And the primary accuser—the so-called whistleblower—was never allowed to be cross-examined.”

Brennan was not impressed by Paul’s critcism and suggested that “he is the kind of person that would have been a candidate for a drone strike when President Obama ruled. In fact, I think if we had been able to isolate him outside the country somewhere in the Middle East we’d have probably taken the opportunity to dispose of him and neutralize his threat to national security.”

“Green Light” Law Costs New Yorkers Travel Privileges

New York’s so-called “Green Light” law authorizing persons in the US illegally to obtain drivers’ licenses has led the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to revoke expedited travel privileges for anyone using these licenses as identification for air travel.

Ken Cuccinelli, acting deputy secretary of DHS explained that “the state’s efforts to grant sanctuary to illegal immigrants by blocking us from verifying the license holder’s identity prevents us from protecting air travelers from potential terrorist attacks carried out by persons having this document. Our only safe option is to deny all New York licensees access to sped up security screening at ports of entry.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo called the DHS action “unfair and discriminatory. Under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution it is our state’s right to license anyone we choose. We choose to extend the right to drive to everyone living in our state without regard to whether they may have broken some federal law to get into the United States. DHS is retaliating against our state for political reasons. I will be contacting House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) to see about conducting an investigation of this latest abuse of power by Trump.”

Cuccinelli called the Governor’s complaint “unreasonable” and his argument “insane. New York has also banished requiring bail be posted for suspects accused of violent crimes. Instead, they are released back onto the streets, where they are free to commit additional crimes or escape the jurisdiction. Public safety is the most vital obligation of government. Cuomo may be willing to sacrifice this obligation in order to curry political favor from certain constituencies, but we are not. We wish New York would vet seekers of its driving licenses. However, until they do we will not be permitting the unvetted holders of these licenses to endanger properly vetted air travelers.”

Pelosi Throws Tantrum Over SOTU Speech

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized President Trump’s State-of-the-Union speech as “a manifesto of lies and misrepresentations” and tore it to shreds as most of the audience loudly applauded his remarks.

Her first complaint alleged that “he refused to shake my hand. That’s how demeaning he is to those he disagrees with.” As it so happens, Trump didn’t shake hands with Vice-President Mike Pence either before he stood at the podium to speak.

Pelosi also found fault with Trump’s invited guests. “Who is he to presume to honor the last surviving Tuskegee airman?” she demanded to know. “The Tuskegee airmen were all black men. Black votes are the property of the Democratic Party and have been since the Roosevelt Administration. Trump only invited this old black man to try to steal black votes away from us.”

“And the insufferable surviving family members a couple of individuals—one killed by a terrorist and another by an undocumented immigrant—these aren’t important people,” she insisted. “They just served as props for Trump’s animus toward foreigners. Only a tiny percentage of Americans are killed by foreigners. Even if every one of these victims had been spared by a more vigorous effort against these types of crimes it would not be statistically significant.”

“Neither can I see the point in celebrating the survival of a baby born prematurely,” Pelosi observed. “She is one person who lived. Far more of a similar age in the womb are aborted each year. To use this now healthy and happy young child as evidence for why restricting abortions would be a good policy is hitting below the belt.”

“In sum, it was a totally shameful performance designed to convince the American people that things are going well,” she concluded. “Clearly, they are not going well. An obviously guilty abuser of power was acquitted by the Senate. This miscarriage of justice will have repercussions that will haunt our nation for generations to come.”

Bloomberg Defends Misleading Campaign Ad

An ad containing film footage showing children in cages and blaming President Trump’s border enforcement policies was actually recorded during the Obama Administration. Aspiring Democratic presidential contender former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended the ad, calling it “a white lie in service to a greater cause.”

“While the images are from the previous administration, they support the widely held belief among Democrats that Trump is the real villain of the immigration crisis,” Bloomberg argued. “I believe efforts to restrict entry into the United States are wrong. We need low-wage workers to do the menial jobs Americans don’t want to do and to cast the votes needed to elect Democrats to office. These vital objectives outweigh any obligation to tell the absolute truth. History has shown that even the baldest lie, if repeated often enough, will eventual become the accepted reality. I’m glad that I have the financial resources to implement this historically proven political strategy.”

Romney Explains Impeachment Vote

As the sole Republican vote for convicting President Trump in his impeachment trial in the Senate, Mitt Romney (R-Ut) cited his “conscience” as the basis for siding with Democrats who have been eager to oust Trump since the day he was elected.

“Many in my own Party tried to convince me that there had to be evidence of a crime before a president should be removed from office,” the Senator said. “But my belief in God tells me that, if in my heart I’m convinced he is guilty, I must vote to take him out.”

“The parade of government officials that Rep. Schiff presented, who sincerely believed that Trump’s policies toward Ukraine were wrong was very persuasive,” Romney maintained. “Who, after all, is better positioned to determine our policy toward Ukraine? The career professionals who have been running this policy from long before Trump ever imagined he might become president? Or an outsider who spent his life owning and operating hotels until he unexpectedly was elected president? Based on the plaudits I’ve received from so many since my courageous vote, my conscience tells me I made the right choice.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said “Senator Romney’s historic vote brought tears of joy to my eyes. Given the lackluster roster of candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, I think our Party could do a lot worse than to try to snag this man of valor to run on our ticket. I think if we were to look closely at his political history we’d see that his views on government aren’t so different from ours. He did champion an Obamacare-style of health insurance in Massachusetts when he was governor there. Paired with a reliable Democrat like Secretary Clinton, I think he could bring a lot of Republicans over to our side in November.”

Romney thanked Blumenthal for “your kind words” and expressed interest in being on a fusion ticket with Clinton, “but only as the vice-president nominee. I fear that being elected president with Mrs. Clinton as my VP might endanger my life.”

Biden Denounces Limbaugh Medal of Freedom Award

Democratic presidential candidate, former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced President Trump for awarding the Medal of Freedom to talk radio legend Rush Limbaugh, calling it “a travesty and stain on American history. I don’t think he understands the American code of decency and honor.”

“President Obama awarded me with this medal in 2017,” Biden remembered. “Compared to me, what has Limbaugh done to advance the cause of freedom? For more than 30 years he has been loudly on the wrong side of every social, political, and economic issue. He believes that people ought to work to support themselves, that babies shouldn’t be aborted, that the right to bear arms shouldn’t be infringed, that freedom of speech shouldn’t be limited. I mean, every stand he has taken has been debunked by fact-checkers across the media. Why does he deserve a medal?”

“In contrast, I have made my fortune in service to the public sector,” the former Veep boasted. “I started with nothing and after more than 40 years in government I was not only able to enrich myself, but I gave a hand up to everyone in my family—my brothers, my children. Limbaugh doesn’t even have any children. He’s not a hard-body like me. He’s doughy and unattractive. I could easily best him at push-ups or beat the snot out of him in a fist fight. He and I aren’t in the same league. Awarding him the Medal of Freedom taints those of us who truly earned ours.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sanders Says Capitalism Destroys Social Bonds

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) took direct aim at the prosperity message of the Trump reelection campaign in his bid to become the nation’s next leader. “Wages may be up and unemployment at record lows, but the Trump economy lacks the social cohesion needed for a true human society,” he asserted. “Before capitalism supplanted feudalism there were solid social bonds between lords and serfs. Neither class could renege on its social responsibility to the other. Now employers can simply dismiss employees if they are redundant or unproductive and employees are free to seek other jobs just to get higher pay. This needs to stop.”

Sanders went on to propose a plan that would require government approval for businesses to discharge employees or for employees to leave their posts without good cause. “Society invests a lot of social and economic capital in the ways we do business,” Sanders pointed out. “This includes things like public schools and public infrastructure. We cannot allow this investment to be squandered due to personal greed. Under socialism it is government’s responsibility to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

The candidate said he would “expect all parties to cooperate in the transition to socialism. I will be patient, but only up to a point. If resisters obstruct change, assets will be seized and non-co-operators can be sent for reeducation. Greed will be exterminated and need will replace it as the factor allocating resources and rewards. We will finally achieve the utopia promised by Karl Marx where all toil for the common good.”

In related news, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden also criticized the Trump prosperity. “During the Obama era, young men like my son were able to make millions of dollars,” he said. “Under Trump’s policies, young men are being forced to work for much smaller gains. I just don’t buy the argument that millions making small gains outweighs the opportunity to strike it rich without having to put in such long and hard work. I think most voters will agree with me on this.”

Test Shows Dems Dumber than Average

While the guests and host on CNN’s Don Lemon program got some good laughs among themselves pretending that Trump supporters are ignoramuses, the General Social Survey (GSS)—a test of verbal ability and science knowledge contradicts their premise.

Most interesting in the latest edition of the GSS was the finding that less than half (49.6 percent) of the Democrats participating in the test were able to select the correct answer regarding whether the sun orbits the Earth or vice versa and whether it takes a day, month, or year to complete one orbit. The average correct response rate for all test participants was higher than for Democrats alone, but still a dismal 57.1 percent.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez called the comparison “unfair and racist. The Democratic Party is home to a large percentage of African-Americans and Hispanics who have been under-educated in our public school systems. It’s not fair to compare their knowledge vs. whites who are naturally more attentive and well-behaved in school. Besides, is knowledge about whether to Earth orbits the sun or not an important factor in deciding who to vote for in an election?”

In related news, Perez accused Trump of “poaching voters. For decades the Democratic Party has depended on the votes of minorities to win elections. Now polls are showing that Trump has a 42 percent favorability rating among blacks. And an alarmingly large portion of the black vote may go to Trump in 2020. His programs promoting increased economic prosperity among African-Americans unfairly invades our Party’s territory. We are going to ask the FCC and FEC to bar any broadcast appeals from the Trump campaign targeting the minority vote.”

Moscow Irked Over Zelensky’s WWII Comments

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov expressed his displeasure with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky’s true observation that “it was the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of 1939 that led to the start of World War II. A secret clause of this pact allowed Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union to jointly invade and dismember Poland.”

Peskov adamantly disagreed, saying that “we do not accept this statement. We consider it erroneous and offensive. As President Putin pointed out last month, it was collusion between Poland and Hitler that led to the Nazis invading Poland in September 1939. It was only later in the month when Russian troops moved in to protect the eastern half of Poland from being overrun by Germans and gave us the opportunity to execute the 10,000 Polish Army officers who opposed the gift of communism Stalin wished to bestow upon them.”

Sergei Naryshkin, head of Russia’s foreign intelligence service, also complained that “Zelensky is getting increasingly drawn towards ideas of Ukrainian nationalism and independence that are out-of-line with the international socialist movement. We may have to seize more than just the Crimea to stem this reactionary trend.”

CNN Mocks Trump’s Virus Task Force

This week, President Trump formed a team of health experts to address the coronavirus outbreak. The problem, according to CNN, is that this team is not “diversified.”

CNN analyst Brandon Tensley lamented the lack of any minorities on the task force. “All we heard from Trump was that he was choosing the best experts in the world for this job,” Tensley said. “President Obama would not have been so single minded. When he had the opportunity to appoint a task force to deal with the 2014 Ebola outbreak he carefully balanced expertise with the need to provide opportunities for minorities to advance their careers.”

“Over the long term, lack of racial and gender diversity is a more serious threat than any disease we might face,” Tensley maintained. “Disease strikes indiscriminately without regard to race or gender. It is an equal-opportunity slayer of humans. Lack of diversity is an insidious prejudice eating away at social justice. I, for one, would much rather risk a less effective effort against any virus than the failure to achieve more opportunities for minorities to advance. I think the majority of people would agree with me on this.”

In related news, presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) suggested that “we might want to consider China’s proposal to cull the segment of the population that is suspected of carrying the coronavirus. If by sacrificing some we can save the larger collective I think it is a step we must contemplate. I would hope that the culling could be carried out in a fashion that has all racial and ethnic groups equally represented.”

Chief Justice Censors Senator

At the impeachment trial of President Trump being conducted in the Senate, Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court John Roberts refused to carry out his duty to read a question posed by Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken). Paul tried to ask what involvement Rep. Schiff’s staff might have had with Obama Administration holdovers in efforts to oust Trump from office.

Roberts, as had Schiff before him during the House impeachment investigation, said he “blocked the question because it might lead to the disclosure of the whistle blower’s identity. The government often relies on confidential informants to build a case against a lawbreaker. The future willingness of persons to levy charges against public officials could be negatively affected if they had to come forward and face possible cross-examination under oath. This, in my opinion, is a greater threat to our democracy than denying the accused the presumed right to face his accuser.”

Though the so-called whistle blower’s identity is widely known—both Schiff and Roberts have to have known his identity in order to block questions that might lead to naming him—his long-term animus and scheming against Trump is not. In 2017, long before the July 2019 Trump-Zelensky phone call, Eric Ciaramella was active in plotting how to remove Trump from office. Surely, this animosity should raise questions concerning the veracity of the so-called whistle blower’s accusations. Surely, the defense should have a right to cross-examine him under oath so jurors could assess his credibility.

Schiff praised Roberts’ “courage in defense of those of us fighting against the tyranny Trump would inflict on this country. Many of my staff have put in long hours working under the radar with fellow patriots to unseat this monster by whatever means we can. It is good to know we have an ally ensconced at the highest level of our government.”

Warren Wants to Criminalize “Disinformation”

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) promised to enact censorship of misleading political speech if she becomes president. “We need new laws that impose tough civil and criminal penalties for disseminating false information related to U.S. Elections,” she says.

“Trump is the poster boy for disseminating false information,” Warren claims. “He has sent thousands of lies over electronic media—both on Twitter and Face Book. These include assertions that his policies have been good for the middle class and minorities when everyone knows they are not. These lies influence how people vote. That undermines democracy. I hope that the FEC is active in shutting down this disinformation in the run up to November, but clearly we need stronger laws that will more effectively deter this scourge.”

“Following my victory in November I will assemble a task force to propose meaningful sanctions on violators,” Warren vowed. “Assets of offending businesses will be seized. Corporate executives will be prosecuted. Individuals will be sentenced to community service working for socially progressive organizations in a bid to reeducate them and save them from harsher punishments.”

Pelosi Threatens Second Impeachment

Miffed that Trump “has not sufficiently appreciated the humiliation of being impeached,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) warned “we will impeach him again if voters don’t turn him out of office this Fall.”

“When I think about how President Clinton was unfairly impeached and has to bear that stain forever I see the need for further action against Trump going forward,” she explained. “So far, three presidents have been impeached. But Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were only impeached once. Next year we will make Trump the first president to be impeached twice. Even if we can’t get a conviction, he will still be impeached forever—twice. He will be the only person in history impeached twice. The only way he can avoid such a stain on his reputation in the history books is to resign like Nixon did.”

In addition, Pelosi demanded that Trump’s impeachment defense team members be disbarred. “If Bill Clinton could be disbarred for lying about sex, then all the lawyers who lied for Trump in the Senate trial should be disbarred as well,” she added. “Informed opinion is unanimous that Trump is guilty. Any lawyers who help a guilty man escape punishment should not be allowed to practice law.”