Dems Demonstrate Leadership

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Bill and Hillary Clinton donated more than 400 pizzas to all of the hospitals in their home county of Westchester, NY. The donation was heralded by a tweet from Hillary “thanking medical workers and everyone else who is working to save lives and keep us all going right now.”

Angela Cirilli, an emergency medicine ultrasound director at St John’s Riverside Hospital, tweeted her gratitude saying “Amazing !!! Thank you !!!! We NEED LEADERS LIKE YOU in this tough time.”

A spokesperson for the Clintons contrasted “this unprecedented act of generosity with Trump’s failure to answer Gov. Cuomo’s heart-felt pleas for more ventilators. His insistence that New York use the stockpile they have on hand before demanding more is heartless.”

Meanwhile, Cuomo called the $40 billion in aid earmarked for his state in the recently passed Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act “irresponsibly inadequate. The money is restricted to covering only coronavirus-related expenses. As a high-tax state, though, our government coffers are being especially hard hit by the statewide economic shutdown I ordered. As president of the whole country, it is Trump’s duty to transfer resources from low-tax states to help cover our revenue losses.”

Ironically, Cuomo passed up an opportunity to replenish ventilator supplies during 2015’s state budget negotiations—opting instead for a triage approach based on each patient’s “social value score” to allocate the existing 4,000 ventilators on-hand at the time. Money that could have been spent on ventilators then was instead used to print thousands of “I love New York” banners for distribution and display at various locations around the state. In his defense, Cuomo pointed out that “President Obama was also cutting expenditures for the Centers for Disease Control around that time. Why should I be held to a higher standard than a Nobel Prize winner?”

Since Cuomo took over as governor, 174 New York City hospitals have been closed. Trump has sent a navy hospital ship with 1,000 beds to New York City. The Governor expressed a modicum of appreciation, but pointed out “this is only a stop-gap measure. When the crisis passes this ship will sail away. The federal government needs to fund construction of new permanent hospitals with the CARES Act money.”

Dem Governors Ban Virus Therapy

In Michigan, Gov. Half Whitmer (D) warned doctors and pharmacists that their licenses could be revoked if they prescribe hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine to patients suffering from COVID-19. In Nevada, Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) also barred doctors from prescribing these drugs for COVID-19.

Sisolak explained that “there is no proof that these drugs are effective in treating this virus. Until there is proof we cannot allow patients to be subjected to a possibly ineffective therapy.” The Governor argued that “this action wouldn’t have been necessary if Trump hadn’t endorsed these drugs on national TV.”

These bans run directly contrary to President Trump’s “right to try” philosophy regarding medical care. “I’m not saying that these drugs are THE CURE,” he reminded. “There have been reports from doctors who have tried these drugs and the results have been encouraging. Since these drugs have been off patent for decades they are inexpensive. If attending physicians and their patients want to try these drugs, I don’t think the government should stop them from doing what they think is best for their health and survival.”

Comedian Says “Trump Is Trying to Kill Me”

Kathy Griffin, the “comedian” who sent her career into a tailspin with repeated barrages of vicious and intemperate jibes at President Trump, the most infamous of which was a picture of her holding what appeared to be his severed head, recently checked into a hospital and demanded she be tested for COVID-19. Since her symptoms didn’t meet the guidelines, the hospital refused.

After examining the patient, the hospital doctor diagnosed her ailment as a “stomach infection,” gave her a prescription and sent her home. Griffin contends that this diagnosis “was politically tainted. I’ve been on a ‘blacklist’ ever since I tried to use my freedom of speech to call attention to Trump’s lack of qualifications to be president. At first, this just meant that a lot of places refused to book my gigs. Now, apparently, it means I can’t get the same go-to-the-head-of-the-line privileges that are normally afforded to celebrities. Trashing my career, denying me the medical care I want—clearly Trump is trying to kill me.”

Griffin said she has “asked Gov. Newsom to intervene on my behalf.” However, the Governor’s office has demurred, saying that “President Trump has been exceptionally attentive and expeditious in addressing our needs and concerns. All of the state’s medical professionals have been doing an outstanding job of allocating tests and treatments to those who need them. We will not besmirch them for correctly following procedures and ignoring the hysterical ravings of one disappointed woman.”

Plastic Bag Ban Temporarily Lifted

Publicly acknowledging that reusable bags spread germs, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has temporarily lifted the City’s ban on using disposable plastic bags to carry merchandise out of stores. Gov. Charlie Baker (R) bolstered this move by banning reusable bags statewide and allowing merchants to offer plastic bags in their place while the COVID-19 pandemic persists.

Numerous studies have amply demonstrated that reusable bags are infested with pathogens. It is one thing to allow anti-plastic zealots to carry them around. It is yet another for such bags to be made the only legal option for shoppers. Plastic bags became dominant in a free market because of their convenience, efficiency, and safety. Forcing everyone to use less convenient, less efficient and less safe reusable bags makes no sense.

Yet, both the mayor and governor insist that lifting the ban on plastic bags will be only a temporary respite from the baleful effects of the reusable bags. “Mandating that people rely on reusable bags has a ‘feel good’ quality to it,” Baker said. “It doesn’t seem wasteful like the single-use plastic bag does. People can easily imagine that they’re doing something good for the environment.”

Walsh pointed out that “in my opinion, the extra risk posed by reusable bags is relatively small compared to the psychological benefits gained from the belief that you are somehow helping the environment to be more pristine. And who’s to say that hauling around harmful microbes when you shop doesn’t help build a stronger ‘herd immunity’ in the long run?”

Mayor Sees “Silver Lining” in Pandemic

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged that “we look on the bright side of the current pandemic. Sure there are inconveniences that must be endured, but there is also a ‘silver lining.’ Consider the positive developments we have observed so far.”

“The widespread fear of the contagion has inspired a much higher rate of public cooperation with the autocratic measures we have seen fit to impose,” the Mayor pointed out. “We tell people to go to their homes and stay there. Almost everyone obeys. For the few who don’t we cut off their electricity and water—making their lives hellish and squalid.”

“With the streets cleared of potential victims, muggings have decreased,” Garcetti bragged. “Since no one is supposed to be out and about it is easier for police to intercept would-be burglars and rapists before they can make it to the homes and businesses they plan to break into.”

“All this has been achieved by ordering nonessential activities to cease,” he marveled. “I think we need to consider whether we should make the lock-down permanent. Why should we ever let nonessential activities resume after the virus crisis has passed? Doesn’t the ‘nonessential’ designation tell us that these activities are unnecessary drains on the collective well-being? If the government can divert all resources to only essential activities wouldn’t everyone be better off? This crisis has shown us a new way forward toward the progressive ideal we Democrats have been trying to bestow upon the population.”

Study Contradicts COVID-19 Media Narrative

Despite a cacophony of criticisms directed at President Trump’s handling of the COVID pandemic claiming it was too hasty, it’s too sluggish, it’s anti-science, and racist, a study by the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security (JHCHS) published in late 2019 found that the United States was more prepared for a pandemic than any other country in the world.

MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell dismissed the Study’s findings, calling them “myopic in scope. The preparedness index was narrowly focused on medical issues like quantities of hospitals, doctors, equipment and medicines. It totally overlooked the political downside of generating a favorable image of Trump among voters. Everyday, Trump appears on TV giving updates on the status of the disease and the progress his team is making to overcome it. Meanwhile, Vice-President Biden pointed out that even if the US was the best prepared we still were only 87 percent ready. Trump’s failure to get us 100 percent ready shows his incompetence. Biden’s hard-hitting assessment has been mostly ignored. I fear that the lesser danger of the virus is laying the groundwork for the greater danger of Trump’s reelection.”

It’s not that Biden hasn’t been trying to garner more attention. His intended “shadow” briefings on the pandemic have not gone particularly well, what with the gaffes and technical mishaps marring his presentation. His virtual “happy hour” had an average viewership of less than 3,000 for the full length of the sixty-minute program.

Then, too, there is the accusation made by former staffer Tara Reade that he reached inside her skirt and fondled her back in 1993. Biden called Reade’s accusation “cruel and insensitive. It was an honest mistake. I thought I was reaching under my kilt to scratch myself, groping around trying to find my Johnson before I remembered I wasn’t wearing a kilt that day. If Tara’s plaid skirt hadn’t looked so much like the Biden Clan plaid I don’t think I would’ve mistaken it for my kilt. So, it’s partly her fault.”

Pelosi Mocks Trump’s Desire to Get America Back to Work

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) mocked President Trump’s desire to reopen shuttered businesses as soon as possible, calling it “totally irrational. Studies have shown that unemployment compensation is the super fuel for economic prosperity. With unemployment benefits a person has both an income and freedom from labor. Trump would throw this ideal away by forcing individuals to sacrifice their leisure in order to earn and income.”

The Speaker suggested that “Trump doesn’t understand science. When you can maximize income while minimizing effort your return on investment is the best it can be. The current medical crisis is giving us the opportunity to carry out a real-life experiment that will prove the truth of what I’m saying and the Democratic Party has been working to achieve since the days of FDR. The myth of capitalism is that wealth must be created by arduous effort under the guidance of investors and management. The steps that have been taken by many governors to confine people to their homes combined with the trillion dollar aid package Congress just passed will once-and-for-all show voters that the progressive model for running the country—living and thriving without toil—will restore humanity to the Garden of Eden that God intended for all of us.”

Biden Touts Chinese Nostrum for COVID-19

Former Vice-President Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump for “pushing an unproven malaria drug as a cure for the virus. A couple in Arizona poisoned themselves by taking it. My son has used his business connections in China to secure millions of doses of a traditional folk remedy for respiratory ailments. It’s a formula comprised of bear bile, goat horn and dried fruit.”

“It’s time for us to undo the mistakes of the previous administration,” Biden said. “So today, I am issuing an executive order for the Health and Human Services Department to purchase as many doses as Hunter can round up. I have heard the pleas of the long-suffering Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio. Unlike the incompetent Trump, I am ordering that all New York City residents be immediately inoculated for a clinical study of this formula.”

In related news, Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo (D) has ordered the National Guard “to conduct a statewide house-to-house search for refugees from the New York City virus epicenter. Everyone we find will be put on buses. When each bus is full it will be driven to New York City where the passengers will be able to receive the bear bile injections promised by the Biden AdmiA

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”


Shut Down Order Assailed

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf’s order directing all but “life-sustaining” businesses to shut down has spurred objections from several sectors. The law firm of Costopoulos, Foster & Fields asked the Pennsylvania Supreme Court for an emergency injunction to allow the firm to reopen.

“The governor’s order is so broad and sweeping, it is manifestly unconstitutional and illegal,” wrote William Costopoulos. “No work is more essential than defending our clients accused of crimes. The postponement of trials that has been offered as a justification for temporarily shutting down our office is not a sufficient remedy. Under our laws, the accused has the right to a speedy trial. If that isn’t available, the charges must be dropped.”

David Taylor, president and CEO of the Pennsylvania Manufacturers’ Association, pointed out that “Wolf’s order is blocking supply chains from providing essential products. The order has halted timber operations that are necessary to resupply the paper products that have disappeared from store shelves. It has also stopped the coal production needed for manufacturing the steel required for making other essential products.”

Wolf rebuffed the objections, asserting that “now that the federal government is going to mail everyone a check, there isn’t a need to manufacture anything. All anyone has to do is order what they need by phone or over the Internet and it can be delivered to their home while they shelter-in-place. As for the lawyers, they can consult with their clients by phone from home and write their briefs on their laptop computers. Their clients will be well-cared for in jail, unless they are in the Philadelphia jurisdiction, where those indicted for crimes will be released for the duration of the crisis.”

In related news, California Sen. Kamala Harris, rumored “short list” contender for the vice-presidential running mate slot on a Democratic ticket with presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden, urged that “all low-risk prison inmates should be released. Being cooped up in close quarters during the epidemic could be a death sentence. That would be a cruel and unusual punishment for individuals whose only crime is a ‘property crime.’ The next Democratic Administration will usher in a new attitude toward property where the government will take it from those who don’t need it and give it to those who do. Why should individuals who have already taken the initiative to do this on their own continue to be punished in our prisons?”

Trump Blamed for Coronavirus

With New York City accounting for a disproportionately large share of the coronavirus cases in the US, Mayor Bill de Blasio is blaming President Trump because “we need radical action right away.”

The Mayor declined to take any radical action himself, saying “that’s not my job. There needs to be a single point from which all dictates must be issued. That point is the President. Those of us at the local level must remain free, as we have been thus far, to criticize any mistakes or flaws that might taint the President’s actions.”

One of the “flaws” that the President’s political opponents have freely criticized so far was “the racist travel ban” Trump imposed on travel to the US from China in early February. Former Vice-President Joe Biden denounced the ban calling it “xenophobic, unnecessary, and a threat to the sensitive business arrangements between the Chinese government and my son.” However, medical experts are now crediting Trump’s travel ban for reducing the spread of the disease in the US.

In related news, CNN’s Stephen Collinson charges that “Trump’s repeated efforts to offer Americans a glimmer of hope in these dark times impedes the portrait of disaster and doom we have been cultivating. Look, our efforts to oust Trump over Russian collusion was years in the making and fell through. We got the House to impeach him over the Ukraine phone call, but were stymied by the Senate’s refusal to convict. This virus may be our last chance before voters reelect him in November. Surely the chaos that has ensued since he took office ought to show the American people that their best hope for peace and quiet won’t be attained as long as Trump remains president.”

Senators Say Insider-Trading Law Doesn’t Apply

Revelations that several senators privy to inside information on the coronavirus managed to sell some of their stocks before the market crash has inspired accusations that they broke the law. The specific law in question is the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act. This law was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama in 2012. Violations could result in prison terms of up to 20 years and fines up to $5,000,000.

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), who serves as ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, was one of the senators accused of violating this law. The others were Richard Burr (R-NC), Kelly Loeffler (R-GA), James Inhofe (R-OK) and Ron Johnson (R-Wisc).

Feinstein admitted that “I can’t speak to the guilt or innocence of the others, but I can state that the law does not apply to me. First, it is my husband who makes all the investment decisions in our household, even when it comes to trading my stocks. So, no one can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I broke the law. Second, President Obama would never have signed the bill into law if he thought it would ever be used against a public figure of my stature and long tenure.”

Loeffler, whose husband is the chairman and CEO of the New York Stock Exchange, honed in on the statute’s “for profit” clause and explained that “my husband makes all of our family’s investment decisions and as he told me, the sale was not ‘for profit,’ but to avoid a loss.” Burr, Inhofe, and Johnson each asserted “same here” after learning of “exculpatory explanations” offered by Feinstein and Loeffler.

Teens Prank Grocery Store

Pushed to the breaking point by the closure of restaurants, movies, beaches and other favorite sources of amusement, some teens are coughing on grocery store produce. One incident occurred in the Washington DC exurb of Purcellville, Virginia. Police investigating the case said that “there is a national trend by teenagers to cough on food, video it and post the video on the web.”

Malcolm Tendt, admitted “camera man” in the Virginia prank, defended his peers, asking “what are we supposed to do for fun? None of the guys doing the coughing are really sick. The geezers who see us in the stores aren’t supposed to be there and they’re not tech-savvy enough to find our posts on the Internet. So, who are we hurting?”

Meanwhile in San Francisco, government officials have turned a blind eye to the rampant looting sweeping the locked-down city. Mayor London Breed suggested that “there’s probably less of a chance of catching the virus breaking into a closed business than standing in line to buy food and toilet paper from a business that’s open. I don’t think police resources should be used to harass people who are only trying to stay healthy while meeting their daily needs.”

Schiff Claims Immunity

House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) has claimed “sovereign immunity” in his attempt to thwart public scrutiny of the Trump impeachment hearing transcripts and supporting documents that he has declared “must forever remain secret.”

“The essence of effective government relies heavily upon our ability to conceal our methods from those without a ‘need to know,’” Schiff argued. “Right now, China is overtaking us as the world’s dominant power largely because of their ability to operate without fear of external scrutiny. If we hope to keep pace we must adapt similar methods. Outsiders like the execrable Judicial Watch, who seek to defame and undermine the government, should not be empowered to interfere.”

In related news, the Democratic National Committee asked the U.S. District Court for Northern Illinois to dismiss Carter Page’s lawsuit for defamation of character. “Mr. Page is such a minor figure is the flow of history that his reputation is of no significance,” the Perkins-Coie motion asserted. “Weightier matters were at stake, namely whether the nation could be saved from the election of an unqualified outsider as the nation’s president. Future heroic efforts like those of the Clinton campaign, David Steele, and Perkins Coie in 2016 must not be discouraged out of fear of having to pay monetary damages for actions taken in pursuit of their sincerely held political beliefs.”

German Army to Fight Coronavirus

Anxious to recapture “the patriotic solidarity of the German people during World War II,” Chancellor Angela Merkel is calling on the Army “to smash the virus like we smashed Poland in 1939.”

The Chancellor was unable to lay out any specific actions the Army would take other than to suggest “it would definitely be a rapid, blitzkrieg type of approach. If we can inspire the same kind of fanaticism among the troops that enabled us to conquer Poland in less than six weeks, I’m confident that we can conquer the coronavirus in short order. And this time we will not repeat the errors that Chancellor Hitler made by attacking Russia and declaring war on the United States.”

Meanwhile in the United States, actor Sean Penn advised “the US Army to overthrow the inept Trump regime and install a military government that will take the stern measures needed to combat the coronavirus. We need total obedience from everyone, internment camps for dangerous deviants, and summary executions for those who resist authority. That’s what my friend Hugo Chavez did to set Venezuela on the right track before he died.”

Reporter Sees Upside of Pandemic

CBS correspondent Vladimir Duthiers urged viewers to “try to see the positive aspects of the coronavirus pandemic. Only a few thousand have died. I’m not trying to sugarcoat that. At the same time, though, shutting down businesses and quarantining people in their homes has had beneficial impacts on the environment. Here in Italy, traffic is light. The air is clean. I think this shows what the whole world could be like if the trucking and bartering of the marketplace were to be replaced with a command economy.”

Duthiers observed that “fear of the virus has made the population docile and obedient in a way that could not be as easily achieved under normal circumstances. Individuals who would have otherwise resisted the type regimentation that has been accomplished over the last couple of weeks are actually cheering the government on and calling for nonconformists to be punished. It’s a miraculous breakthrough that provides a clear road map on to how to implement the progressive transformation of human society.”

Coronavirus Prompts Revised Transit Policies

In a bid to protect citizens from undue exposure to the coronavirus, the Madison, Wisconsin Metro Transit system has issued new guidelines for bus operations. Starting this week, Metro Transit will limit the number of persons allowed on a bus to one at a time.

Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway pointed out that “since each bus requires a driver, no passengers will be allowed on board as long as the driver is behind the wheel. We recognize that ordinarily this would present a hardship for those who depend on public transit to get around the City. To mitigate the hardship on riders, I have ordered all residents to shelter-in-place where they live.”

“To boost community morale, the buses will continue to travel their usual routes,” the Mayor added. “That way when people look out their windows they’ll still see the buses running and be comforted. The drivers will still have jobs and the paychecks that go with those jobs. This will partially offset the economic losses of the businesses I have ordered to close and the employees who will be out of work.”

“Anti-civic naysayers will say that these new policies are senseless, but I challenge them to offer any better ideas they may have for coping with the unprecedented conditions I am faced with,” she concluded.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Ayatollah Says It’s Okay to Accept Vaccine from Israel

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Reports that Israel may soon produce a vaccine for the coronavirus prompted Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi to say “it’s okay for Muslims to accept it.” The revered cleric cited an instance in the Prophet Muhammad’s life to support his ruling.

“Mohammed was the first man to receive Allah’s command to exterminate the Jews,” he pointed out. “Yet, there came a moment when he agreed to a truce with these vermin that both sides should lay down their arms. When the Jewish army complied with this agreement the Prophet ordered them seized and beheaded.”

“If Muslims are to obey the command to slay the Jews we must survive,” the Ayatollah explained. “If the Jews in their greed are willing to sell us a medicine that helps us to survive, it is our right to take this medicine so we may live to carry out our religious obligation to rid the world of Jews when we are well enough to do so. We must not make the same mistake that Hitler made by allowing a Jew named Einstein to escape his grasp and carry the knowledge of how to build the atom bomb over to his enemies. Hitler could have won the war and had the opportunity to thoroughly exterminate Satan’s spawn.”

Pelosi Defends Abortion-Funding Clause in Coronavirus Bill

President Trump’s hope for bipartisan legislation to combat the coronavirus pandemic was put in doubt when House Democrats tried to include non-pertinent add-on spending to it. A particularly egregious add-on was a provision that would authorize spending federal funds on abortions.

After the U.S. Supreme Court declared that women had a right to abort unwanted babies up to the third trimester in its 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling, Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill) led a bipartisan majority to enact a law barring the use of taxpayer funds to provide abortions. His reasoning was that since many taxpayers considered abortion to be murder, they shouldn’t be compelled to finance it.

Since some members of her party opposed adding this provision to the coronavirus emergency bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was unable to garner a enough votes to support passage with language that included the abortion funding. Nevertheless, she still insists that “funding desperately needed abortions must be a critical element of the fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Every child born is a future potential victim of the virus. Parents who want to spare their children from suffering and possibly dying from this dreaded new disease should not be denied this human right just because they can’t afford to pay for their own abortions.”

“Individuals who have moral objections to abortion have a civic duty to put aside their personal beliefs for the sake of the collective well-being of society,” the Speaker asserted. “Under our laws, abortion is not considered murder. For us to continue to tolerate idiosyncratic objections under the pretense of a moral code that has no legal foundation only rewards the inherent selfishness of these deviants. We need to take heed of China’s more enlightened approach to religion. There, religious freedom is bounded by the necessity to comply with the moral directives decreed by a government that has placed the good of the whole ahead of the objections of a minority.”

Media Dolts Praise “Courageous” and “Charming” Biden

In a campaign stop at a Michigan automobile factory, Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden verbally chastised a worker, called him a “horse’s ass,” and threatened to “slap you in the face.” The worker’s offense was to disagree with Biden’s position on gun control.

Atlantic writer David Frum called Biden’s outburst “terrific. I think this lays to rest the contention that the Vice-President isn’t up to the job of running the country. This was the kind of language the working class voters can appreciate. Joe is the father figure they’ve all been waiting for—a no nonsense guy who puts their juvenile ideas into their proper place.”

Frum alleged that “Trump is too much of a coward to tell it like it is. He’d let every yokel out there decide for himself whether he wants to exercise his so-called Second Amendment right to bear arms, rather than calmly explain why the government has to limit firearm ownership to only those who can show a true need. Biden has already signaled that he will appoint ‘hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47′ Beto O’ Rourke as his ‘guns czar’ when he is president.”

CNN’s John King found Biden’s charge that the worker was “full of sh*t” to be “charming. It’s authentic and earthy. Reminds me of the kind of vulgarity that LBJ displayed from time-to-time. And he won a landslide victory over Barry Goldwater in 1964. I think verbally slapping down a ‘gun-rights’ voter will work in Joe’s favor among Democrats.”

Pelosi Condemns “Bigoted” Tweet

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) apologize for mentioning that the coronavirus originated in China. “Bigoted statements which spread misinformation and blame Asians for the coronavirus make us all less safe,” she claimed. “This is just more of Trump’s ‘America first’ garbage. The Chinese government doesn’t agree that this disease originated in their country. Their theory is that the US Army covertly introduced the coronavirus by planting infected bats in Wuhan restaurants where unsuspecting gourmands would eat them and get sick.”

“Sadly, McCarthy isn’t the only racist to unfairly implicate China,” the Speaker added. “Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark), and Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz) have each had their turn at it.”

McCarthy characterized Pelosi’s statement as “another in a long line of political smears that have supplanted civil discussion from the Democratic side of the aisle. Historically, it has been common to identify new diseases by their place of origin. A few weeks ago the media itself—including the Washington Post, NBC, and CNN—were using the phrases ‘Chinese coronavirus’ and ‘Wuhan virus’ to describe this new disease. Are they all racists too?”

NY Solution to Hand Sanitizer Shortage Inspires Sanders

Fear of the coronavirus has led to a run on hand sanitizer supplies leaving store shelves empty of the product. In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) announced that inmates in the state’s prisons are now producing hand sanitizer at a cost of only $6.10 per gallon.

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) hailed this as “a model for how we take profiteering out of the process of meeting the needs of the people. Instead of allowing billionaires to rip off their customers we’ll put them to work while they are behind bars. We’ll convert them from being capitalist exploiters into honest laborers for the common good.”

A second aspect of the hand sanitizer solution that Sanders found admirable is that “the product won’t be sold in the markets, but will be distributed on the basis of need. Rather than having a corporate board of directors setting prices based on what the market will bear, government officials will be determining who are the most deserving recipients. This ensures that social justice will triumph over selfishness.”

“We are fortunate that a disease pandemic has had the ‘silver lining’ of illustrating how true socialism can work miracles for the benefit of humanity,” the Senator observed. “Where the market has failed, the State of New York has pioneered a remedy. Using prisoners keeps costs low. Since the state provides their room-and-board for free, they’re satisfied to work for only 65 cents per hour. We are slowly relearning the truths demonstrated in the Soviet Gulags where social and political misfits were put to work for the common good. If we can overcome our ill-placed squeamishness, we can also harness these techniques for transforming our country.”

In related news, Sanders has vowed to give a nonstop speech to America for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. He modestly explained that “it’s the least I can do in this time of crisis. I have no medical skills or knowledge to contribute, but I do have the stamina to try to entertain those self-quarantined at home. There are many stories of heroic socialists—like Lenin who executed the Tsar and his family, Stalin who executed the counterrevolutionaries, and Fidel who executed the capitalist parasites—that I can tell to help boost everyone’s spirits.”

AOC Says Refusal to Eat in Chinese Restaurants “Racist”

Leary of the coronavirus, some people are avoiding eating in Chinese restaurants. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has branded people who do this “racists.” She, herself, doesn’t eat in Chinese restaurants, but insisted “I’m not racist because only whites can be racist.”

“Actually, it would be cultural inappropriate for me, a person of Puerto Rican descent, to eat Chinese food,” she maintained. “I only eat Puerto Rican food, as is appropriate for a person of my racial background.”

CBO Urges High School Grads to Forgo College

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) released an assessment of the cost of a college education and advised recent high school graduates planning on getting one to “save your money. You’re going to need it to help pay down the student debt of those foolish enough to have already incurred the cost of earning a degree.”

The CBO report found that “a glut of graduates without marketable skills has led to a crash in the salaries many of them counted on to repay the loans they took out to be able to afford going to college. What America needs now is for more high school grads to enter the workforce and get real jobs producing products and services that consumers are willing to pay for. Not only will this likely boost individual gains, but it will also produce surpluses that can be taxed away to cover the losses the government has suffered from student-loan defaults. It may seem kind of a raw deal for one generation to have to pay the debts of a preceding generation, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the common good.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bill Clinton Touts Sex for Anxiety Relief

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former President Bill Clinton is aggrieved that “I was persecuted for trying to ease my anxieties with sexual healing. Throughout history, powerful men have been allowed to consort with concubines or mistresses as a way to recharge after the stress of ruling a nation. Every Chinese emperor had a whole room full of compliant women. Henry VIII of England had mistresses all around the country. Yet, I was mercilessly hounded for my casual relationships aimed at achieving a similar relief.”

Clinton expressed a bit of remorse “that Monica Lewinsky’s life may have been ruined by the notoriety after our relationship was exposed, but that wasn’t my fault. It was the Republicans and the media that made it into an unnecessary scandal. They’re the ones that should be ashamed.”

One person who isn’t the least bit sympathetic toward Clinton’s “persecution” is Juanita Broaddrick—a woman who has accused him of raping her in 1978. “I guess the stress of being Arkansas Attorney General must have been so unbearable that he couldn’t make the effort to find a willing sexual partner,” she wryly commented. “The kind of privilege he thinks he is entitled to is the privilege of tyrants. We are supposed to be a nation where everyone is equal under the laws. Except for having to pay civil damages to one victim of his lewd advances—a penalty funded by other people’s money—he has escaped the just consequences of his predatory behavior. This set a horrible example that probably encouraged similar depredations by the likes of Jeffery Epstein and Harvey Weinstein—both of whom were Clinton cronies and donors before their crimes were exposed.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton claims, “I’m the most investigated innocent person in America. In 2016, as then FBI Director James Comey pointed out, there’s nothing illegal about a high government official keeping classified documents on her own personal devices. The fact that I deleted all these records and destroyed all the devices once I perceived a threat showed that I was taking appropriate measures. If it weren’t for Weiner’s sexting prompting Comey to make an October statement linking my name to that scandal I would be president today. So, clearly, I’ve been the biggest loser in the worst miscarriage of justice in our nation’s history.”

Dems Make Bizarre Remarks About Supreme Court Case

As the US Supreme Court was hearing arguments over a Louisiana law aimed at protecting the lives of babies who survive an abortion procedure, Sen. Charles Schumer (NY) was addressing a mob outside the courtroom. During his rant, he warned Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh that “you will pay the price. You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.” Presumably, the “awful decision” would be to uphold the state law protecting abortion survivors.

After numerous criticisms from both Republicans and Democrats, Schumer attempted to justify what he said by characterizing it as “an expression of concern for the safety” of the two men. “It was only four years ago when a Supreme Court Justice died under mysterious circumstances. That Justice had issued numerous opinions of a similar offensive nature. I was trying to warn Gorsuch and Kavanaugh to not make the same kind of mistake on the case currently before the Court.”

The senator also pointed out that “we’re talking about only a very tiny minority of individuals who might benefit from this law. The vast majority of abortions go through without there being a survivor. I question the value of a law that would result in creating rights for this minority, especially when these rights explicitly contradict the wishes of the mothers of these undesired individuals. Shouldn’t the good of the greater number outweigh the purported right to life of the few?”

Meanwhile, two members of the left-wing “squad” in the House of Representatives also vehemently criticized the possibility the Court might uphold the Louisiana law. Rep. Ayanna Pressley (Mass) charged that “upholding this law will infringe on racial justice” because “it will disproportionately prevent Black women from aborting their unwanted children. Blacks make up only 13 percent of the population, but have 36 percent of the abortions. If this law is upheld how many more Blacks will be forced into the labor force by Trump’s policies when they could’ve been safely rescued from this fate by a timely termination?”

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) claimed that the Louisiana law “would do irreparable harm to my sex life. What man would want to have sex with me knowing that a potential offspring might not be successfully aborted?” Rep. Ilhan Omar Minn) alleged that the law is “only the latest in a long history of efforts to criminalize women for simply existing.” Which is ironic in that half of the children whose lives would be saved by this law are female. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) objected to the law because “it does nothing to protect the reproductive rights of non-binary people.”

Trump Okay with BLM Resignations

President Trump’s decision to move some of the offices of the Bureau of Land Management geographically closer to the land being managed, has led to more than a 50 percent attrition rate in the staff. Of the 187 personnel that would be required to relocate 87 have chosen to leave their jobs.

Steve Ellis, who retired from BLM’s top career-level post in 2018, denounced the relocation policy as “a brain drain. There is a lot of really solid expertise walking out the door.”

Trump, however, sees things differently. “We all know that the bureaucracy is bloated with excess personnel,” he said. “Yet Congress refuses to cut the fat out of the budget. By using my executive authority to relocate where federal employees shall discharge their official duties, the results in this small example show a path toward downsizing via a voluntary departure of those who’s addiction to the DC swamp outweighs their duty to work for the benefit of the American people.”

House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Raul Grijalva called Trump’s decision “another abuse of power. These federal employees have rights. One of those rights is to a secure employment that cannot be disturbed by a change in administrations. I will use my subpoena power to call in employees who have been harmed by this policy to determine if there are new grounds for impeaching the President arising from this action on his part.”

Biden Promises Cure for Alzheimer’s Disease

Offering himself as “a prime example of the importance of curing this horrible disease,” Democratic candidate for president, former Vice-President Joe Biden, vowed “to spend whatever it takes to find a cure.”

“Here’s the deal, the polls show that I will beat Trump in the November election,” he elaborated. “Admittedly, I have had instances of mental lapses that scare even me. Advisers have reassured me that I will have a staff that will stop me from doing anything crazy or stupid. But staffers aren’t elected. The American people deserve to know that their president will receive the best medical care possible. So, we have to have a blank-check approach to not only Alzheimer’s, but to cancer, diabetes and poverty. I think that is what voters want. And that is what I pledge to do if I’m elected.”

In other Biden news, the candidate pledged to “reappoint Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker if I win in November. If we’re going to get anything done it is essential that we play with a full deck. That includes not only the presidency, but also the legislature. If I’m going to have laws to sign, I need a Congress that will pass those laws. Nancy is the best person to ensure that the laws we want get passed. So, yes, I’m definitely going to keep her on my team when I’m president.”

Biden also rejected the endorsement of his candidacy by former FBI Director James Comey, calling him “a back-stabber. First he was for Hillary and buried an investigation of her email shenanigans, but late in the 2016 campaign he again raised the issue. He’s a rat that can’t be trusted. He’s lucky to still be alive.” Biden did, however, accept the endorsement of former CIA Director John Brennen who called Biden “one of the most honest, decent, practical, and experienced individuals with whom I have ever worked.”

Gabbard Qualifies for Next Democratic Debate

Since Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) won a delegate from Samoa on Super Tuesday, she now meets the current requirements laid out by the Democratic National Committee for candidates to be included in the next debate.

However, DNC communications director Xochitl Hinojosa announced Tuesday night that “we are upping the requirements going forward. The inclusion of Rep. Gabbard at this stage is not in the best interests of the Party. All the top people have determined that it is best that everyone get behind former Vice-President Joe Biden as our nominee. Allowing Gabbard back in at this late date is incompatible with that objective.”

“Ideally, we would also appreciate it if Sen. Sanders were to fall in line, as Warren, Klobuchar, Buttigieg, Steyer, and Bloomberg already have,” she added. “Since he has hundreds of delegates, though, we can’t plausibly concoct requirements that would deny him the opportunity to continue his campaign. We are just hoping that he will be sensible. He can throw a few bones to his supporters for the next couple of weeks, but sooner or later he has got to realize that his responsibility to the Party is greater than his desire to be president. I’m confident that an amenable deal to achieve unanimous backing for Biden can be had if the price is right.”

In related news, Bloomberg took issue with pundits’ conclusions that his failed bid for the presidency proves the office can’t be bought. “I realize that I can’t buy it for myself, but my success in buying the Virginia legislature for the Democrats in 2019 shows I can buy it for someone else,” he contended. “I was perceived as arrogant and selfish for spending hundreds of millions on my own campaign. However, I think I will be perceived more favorably as a benefactor of others in our Party’s quest to oust Trump from office.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.