Black Dems Face Retribution

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Democratic Party leaders in Georgia and Michigan have targeted two state legislators for punishment. The “crime” of which both are accused is “breaking our party’s united front against the Trump menace,” said state Rep. James Beverly (D-Macon), chairman of the party’s House caucus.

Georgia state representative Vernon Jones (D-DeKalb) made the “mistake” of praising the positive impacts on African Americans of Trump’s economic and prison-reform policies. Beverly pointed out that “it is our Party’s position that nothing Trump does is worthy of approval. Everything must be condemned if we hope to unseat him in the November election. There must be no defectors, no weak links among the Party faithful. To maintain discipline, we must sanction Jones in a meaningful way.”

State Rep. Scott Holcomb (D-DeKalb) labeled Jones “an incompetent narcissist. Even if he personally disagrees with the Party he has an obligation to keep his opinions to himself. Publicly standing against us violates his primary political duty.”

In Michigan, State Rep. Karen Whitsett (D-Detroit) dared to publicly thank President Trump for calling attention to hydroxychloroquine as a possible therapy for COVID-19, claiming “it saved my life.” This came after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) had banned this therapy in the state.

District Democrat Party Chairman Jonathan Kinloch complained that “Whitsett’s going around the Governor’s ban was the last straw. If she had quietly undergone the therapy without going public—like many others in the Party have done—we’d have no beef. By doing what she did and publicly thanking Trump she brought discredit to the Governor and the Party. This cannot go unpunished.”

Social Media Giants Vow to Squelch Dissent

The corporate moguls in control of Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter have all promised to censor users “who try to spread misinformation about COVID-19 and undermine the government’s policy of shelter in place,” said creepy Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Posts that try to minimize the threat of the virus or spur opposition to the lockdowns intended to fight the contagion will be removed. The collective well-being of all depends upon unanimous obedience to the directives our government has issued. If we let a trickle of dissent go unchecked the entire dike holding back disaster may crumble.”

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki was especially concerned that “the unapproved therapies that we see being suggested by ignorant laymen, or even some doctors, undermine public confidence in the officially recognized and mandated therapies advocated by the World Health Organization. They also fly in the face of edicts issued by various governors like Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich). These governors are responsible for determining what’s best for the citizens of their states. Citizens have the obligation to do as they are told. We at YouTube will do our part to help ensure that this happens.”

AOC Asks “Why Ever Go Back to Work?”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) urges workers to refuse to go back to their jobs when the country reopens for business.

One thing I think we have learned from the lockdown is that life can be very comfortable,” she observed. “I, for one, have been enjoying the leisure I’ve gained while sheltering at home. I imagine that the same is true for the vast majority of Americans. The unemployment benefits that congress has approved have actually increased the weekly income for large numbers of those who lost their jobs during the shutdown. In New York, for example, unemployment benefits on an annualized basis, amount to a $40,000 per year stipend. On top of this, there are the stimulus checks many families are receiving.”

My question is, given the combination of income available from these government payments and the freedom from wage-slavery so many have enjoyed this last month, why ever go back to work?” she asked. “I mean, the only ones who lost their jobs were working for nonessential businesses. Why should people be forced to work producing nonessential goods and services when they could be spending more time at home doing things they really enjoy? The government has an unlimited authority to create as much money as is needed to pay everyone a living wage . There is no need to herd people into wage-slavery just so they can earn a living.”

From where we are now, we can see the promise land Marx envisioned,” the socialist firebrand said. “We are in a position to rearrange society so that the minority that has the ability and energy to produce essential goods and services does the work necessary to meet the needs of the majority. We can achieve the social justice of the Marxian ethic of ‘from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs’ if we have the backbone to make it happen. I will make this my primary mission after I’m reelected in November.”

L.A. Reiterates Intent to Keep People Inside

Disturbed that people will take the recently announced findings that sunlight kills the COVID-19 virus in a matter of minutes as “an excuse to violate Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order,” Los Angeles Police Department Chief Michel Moore reminded that “we are still chasing folks off the beaches and hiking trails.”

Not everyone is physically able to hike on the trails or on the beaches,” Moore pointed out. “To allow those who can would give them an unfair advantage over those who can’t. The Governor says it is important that we all stay on the same page in the fight against the virus. So, until everyone can go outside, no one will be permitted to go outside unless they are essential workers or have prior permission from the government that they may be outside their residence.”

Moore urged “those itching to go outdoors” to “wait until the 200 million masks that the Governor has ordered from China have arrived and can be distributed. That way they can stay within the guidelines and won’t have to worry about being arrested.”

Cuomo’s Incomprehensible Blunder

As the nation’s leader in COVID-19 fatalities, New York officials are searching for the factors that may have contributed to this negative outcome. One factor that may have played a role was Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s (D) March 25th order requiring nursing homes to admit and readmit individuals who tested positive for the virus. While the Governor tried to profess ignorance of his order, Health Commissioner Howard Zucker confirmed it.

I know that in hindsight it looks stupid,” Zucker admitted, “but no one stopped to think about what we were doing. We thought old people belong in nursing homes. It just didn’t occur to us that infected old people ought to be kept separate from uninfected old people. As we know now, this policy was a formula for disaster. Old people are especially susceptible to infection. The death rates skyrocketed. The only saving grace is that we have until November 2022 for voters to forget about this.”

By way of damage control, Gov. Cuomo suggested that “the shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE) for nursing home staff was the weak link in our strategy. I had to beg for these supplies from the federal government and it took some time for them to be manufactured and delivered. That puts the blame firmly on President Trump for not being adequately prepared to deal with the pandemic.” Left unmentioned was Cuomo’s 2015 decision to cut funding for emergency medical supplies from the State’s budget.

Meanwhile, paramedics in New York have been issued a statewide “do-not-resuscitate” directive. Cuomo justified this order, saying “the vast majority of the people EMTs revive end up eventually dying. Rather than waste valuable hospital space on these cases we needed to free-up beds for COVID patients.” Ironically, the 3,000-bed hospital that the US Army set up in New York City’s Javits Center for the COVID emergency remains 99% vacant.

In related news, Cuomo called the increase in domestic violence that has arisen in the wake of increased unemployment and the lockdown “an acceptable trade-off compared to the certain death of allowing people to risk exposure to COVID that would occur if they are allowed to go back to work. The number of battered spouses that are dying during the lockdown is dwarfed by the number of lives saved from the virus. In fact, I think we might want to consider making lockdowns one of the features of the new normal we are building in this country.”

Gov Threatens to Punish Everyone

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) warned the people of her state that “the continued anti-government antics of a minority may force me to extend the lockdown longer than I originally planned.”

She likened her predicament to that of “a teacher trying to deal with a few unruly students. She’s spoken loudly and sternly. Yet, there are some who insist on mocking and resisting the rules she’s laid out for everyone. Her ultimate weapon is to threaten to cancel recess or keep everyone after school in the hope that she can inspire enough social pressure to contain the offenders. Like that school teacher, I’m now warning all the well-behaved citizens of Michigan that if they cannot stifle their misbehaving neighbors, I will order everyone to stay home until all the demonstrations and criticism cease.”

NJ Gov Demands Bailout

Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) characterized Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s opposition to using federal money to bail out New Jersey’s government as “utterly irresponsible.” McConnell suggested that “rather than try to sponge off federal taxpayers, states in financial trouble should file for bankruptcy.”

Murphy started off by threatening to lay off state employees. “Let’s see how McConnell and the Republicans like it when thousands of essential government workers join the ranks of the unemployed,” he said. “The booming economy that Trump and the GOP are counting on to win the election would be further set back.”

Murphy also chastised McConnell’s aversion to forcing more fiscally prudent states to cover the deficits accrued by the more profligate states like New Jersey. “This is not the time to point fingers,” Murphy asserted. “This is the time for us all to come together as one family. It’s like you’ve got a brother who squandered all his share of the family inheritance on booze and gambling. You don’t throw him out on the street. You share what you have with him.”

The pensions we have promised our state employees are in danger of being under-funded,” Murphy pointed out. “Should we have not made these promises? Maybe, but that’s all water under the bridge now. The fact is that other states have money and we need it. It is the obligation of the federal government to redistribute the wealth from those who are able to produce it to those of us who need it.”

Chicago to Reclassify Some Homicides

Under the direction of Mayor Lori Lightfoot, Chicago—gun homicide capital of the United States—has begun reclassifying incidents in which a murder victim was shot from a distance of six feet or more as COVID-19 fatalities.

Since the shooters in these cases are observing the social distancing rules—we determined that COVID-19 guidelines were the key contributing factor in these deaths,” the Mayor explained. “By reclassifying these deaths, the City will receive payments from the federal government that would not be available if the deaths were allowed to be officially attributed to a non-COVID-19 cause.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Michigan Gov Warns Protesters

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

This week, thousands of Michigan citizens circled the state capitol to demonstrate their opposition to Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s tyranny. The Governor labeled this protest “irresponsible” and threatened to impose further restrictions on liberty.

“These people need to understand that this is not South Dakota,” she warned. “Just because Gov Noem (R-SD) was too weak to impose a stay-at-home edict on the residents of her state shouldn’t be taken as encouragement for Michiganers to disobey my orders. Her quaint notion that the people of her state can be trusted to act like responsible adults is dangerous and intolerable during this time of crisis. Clearly, it is up to us in government to protect everyone from the consequences of their own bad decisions. That includes the bad decision to ignore the directives we have issued for their own good.”

Whitmer is said to be mulling extending and intensifying the statewide lockdown. “I’m thinking that the license plate numbers gathered by the police during the protest could be useful for identifying those in need of further restrictions,” she said. “I hear that in China, the police welded disobedient citizens inside their homes. Alternatively, we could use ankle bracelets to enforce the kind of house-arrest these deviants deserve.”

Gov. Noem challenged the notion that she is weak, saying “I am the governor of a free people, not a dictator. In America, every person has an unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As a government official it is my obligation to defend these rights. During this pandemic my approach has been to try to keep everyone as informed as possible so they can make their own decisions on how to cope with the virus. I am confident that a free people can come out of this crisis in better shape than a terrified and submissive people.”

In related news, Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) rebuffed criticism that his shutdown of the state has excessively infringed upon freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, claiming that “enforcing the Bill of Rights is not my responsibility. It wasn’t part of the oath I swore when I took office and there’s no law that says I have to protect these so-called rights.”

Former AG Hails COVID-19 as “Opportunity”

Eric Holder, former Attorney General during the Obama presidency, boasted that “this current crisis gives us an opportunity to permanently revamp our electoral system. The duress created by the economic shutdown calls for urgent government action to ease the suffering of those thrown out of work. This gives the Democratic Party leverage to hold up any relief measures until our demands for voting reform are met.”

According to Holder, these “reforms” entail “elimination of voter ID, automatic voter registration for anyone receiving government benefits, prevention of voter registrations being purged for inactivity, universal vote-by-mail, and ballot harvesting. Each of these reforms will ensure that a maximum number of ballots can be cast and counted.”

Holder admitted that “in some cases this could result in more votes being cast than there are registered voters,” but asserted that “this would be preferable to the current system where there are fewer votes cast and counted than there are registered voters. Voting is a human right. It is better that some exercise this right more than once per election than that there be a shortfall because some potential votes aren’t cast or counted.”

Biden Unveils His Post-Pandemic Economic Policy

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called for “a return to the kind of big ideas approach that FDR used to revive the economy during the Great Depression. We can’t afford to wait around for the private sector to make the investments that will be needed to turn things around from the wasteland Trump has inflicted on America.”

“Look at what’s happened during this pandemic,” Biden urged. “The private sector that Trump praises on a daily basis is where all the economic carnage has taken place. It’s there we find shuttered businesses and laid off employees. Compare this to the government sector where no agency has been shuttered and no one has been laid off. The message is clear, if we hope to return America to prosperity, government needs to play a bigger role.”

“A blueprint for investment ideas that will revive the economy can be found in the Green New Deal,” he maintained. “The private sector has to find an efficient way to meet consumer demand. This hampers the pace of investment compared to what the government can do. Government doesn’t need market research to guide its decisions. Huge sums of money can be committed without regard to whether there are any profits down the road. Likewise, government can continue to provide goods and services even if there are no profits—as we have seen the US Post Office do for decades.”

“This November, voters will have a stark choice to make,” the Candidate observed. “They can either choose to continue the fragile capitalistic system that Trump wants to impose on everyone. Or they can escape to the robust alternative I am offering. Government never goes out of business. Government employees never lose their jobs. I think most will vote for the security and stability that a Democratic Administration will deliver.”

In related “big idea” news, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would send a $2,000 check every month to every American over the age of 16 until unemployment falls to pre-pandemic levels. “The beauty of this plan is that this is more than minimum-wage workers are paid,” Ryan boasted. “This pretty much will force businesses to offer more than $2,000 per month to attract needed employees. Even more important, though, is that the unemployment level just before the pandemic was the lowest ever recorded. It’s unlikely we’ll ever match that again, especially if Democrats win control of the White House and both houses of congress in November. This means the $2,000 monthly payments will never end.”

Democrat Endorses Trump

This week, Georgia State Rep. Vernon Jones (D) announced he is supporting President Trump’s reelection. “There are a lot of African Americans who clearly see and appreciate he’s doing something that’s never been done before,” Jones said. “When you look at the unemployment rates among black Americans before the pandemic, they were at historic lows. When we add in his support for historically black colleges and his criminal justice initiatives, Trump has done more for African Americans than any president since Lincoln. I had to endorse his campaign.”

“Compare what Trump has done to what Biden has done,” Jones urged. “A generation of African American families have been devastated by draconian policies that Joe Biden supported and voted for when he served in the U.S. Senate. As a candidate for president Biden’s proposals would do nothing to help African Americans prosper. He is content to keep a large segment of African Americans in welfare Hell.”

The chairwoman of Georgia’s Democratic Party, Nikema Williams vowed “retribution for this disloyalty to the Party. Trump’s insistence on pushing Blacks into the workforce amounts to a return to slavery. The Democratic Party and our presidential nominee Vice-President Biden have worked hard to give our people the lifestyle of subsidized leisure so many currently enjoy. Jones’ undermining of this accomplishment will turn voters against him and the racist president he endorsed.”

Disagreement on Blame for Coronavirus

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) has introduced legislation called the Justice for Victims of COVID-19 Act. If passed, this bill would enable victims of the virus to sue the Chinese Government for damages. “There is overwhelming evidence that the Chinese Communist Party’s lies, deceit, and incompetence caused COVID-19 to transform from a local disease outbreak into a global pandemic. We need to empower Americans and other victims around the world to recover damages.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) disagreed and insisted that “Trump, not China is to blame for the coronavirus global pandemic. For more than three years I’ve had the chance to observe the depredations wreaked on this country by Trump. He is the most unqualified and dangerous person to ever hold the office of president. Clearly, Trump is the greater threat. Even if the virus came from China—some are persuaded that the US Army started the contagion in the Wuhan Province of China, a clear act of war, in my opinion—Trump has only made it worse by his blunders over the past three months. If the Republican senators had not blocked his conviction on the impeachment charges we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re now in.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sided with Murphy, charging that “Trump’s poor response is the cause of all the suffering in this country. His repeated attempts to blame China and to punish the World Health Organization (WHO) for siding with China are despicable.”

Angered at WHO for repeating the Chinese Governments false statements about the virus, President Trump has temporarily paused US subsidies to WHO pending further investigation of their role in disseminating Chinese propaganda on this issue.

Pelosi labeled this pause “illegal and dangerous. The United States’ contributions are WHO’s largest source of income. President Trump has no authority to stop the flow of this money without congressional approval—which can’t be attained right now because we’re all sheltering-in-place away from Washington. Luckily, I have a year’s supply of fifty different flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream sequestered in my $5,000 super-duper cold freezer in my basement. Faced with the choice of risking my life by traveling to DC to conduct congressional business and staying safe and well-fed on my favorite food…well, it’s a no brainer decision.”

NYC Inflates COVID-19 Death Toll

This week, New York City added 3,700 deaths to its COVID-19 total. Mayor Bill de Blasio’s press secretary Freddi Goldstein explained that “the Mayor pointed out that since the feds are paying $13,000 for each reported COVID-19 death we could improve the City’s financial situation by attributing as many deaths to the virus as we could. So, we went through all the death certificates since the beginning of the year to see which could be plausibly revised to show COVID-19 as the cause of death.”

“Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate what we’ve done. In cases where a person died at home of natural causes, if that person was older than 65 or lived in a zip code where a majority of persons from that zip code who had been tested for the virus showed up positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. In cases where a person died in a hospital, if any of the nurses or doctors working at the hospital have tested positive for COVID, this person would be counted as having died of COVID. If a body is found on the street with no evidence of foul play, since New York City is a designated COVID hot spot, this person would be counted as having died of COVID.”

“The $48 million in extra revenue from the federal government that we will earn from this reclassification will make a small dent in the deficit that is accruing from the lockdown,” Goldstein added. “The extra COVID deaths may also help the City’s case for an additional $7 billion in federal aid needed to restart the City’s economy.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) admitted that “President Trump has delivered for New York. He has quickly responded to meet all of our needs. I just wish he wasn’t so mean to me. He didn’t have to mention that I passed up an opportunity to buy ventilators back in 2015. He didn’t have to mentioned that I discounted the seriousness of the COVID-19 threat six weeks ago. He didn’t have to be so public about having to make up for my errors when everybody else had already forgotten about them.”

Gov Tells Virginians to Adapt to “New Normal”

Gov. Ralph Northam (D-Va) extended his ordered state shutdown to May 8, but isn’t optimistic that business and life “will ever be the same as it used to be.”

“Given that there won’t be a vaccine anytime soon, as well as the probability that, at best, it may only be partially effective, it looks like the COVID virus will be around a long time,” he pointed out. “The shelter-in-place I ordered is working. Not only are we flattening the curve and saving people from dying of the virus, we are also saving people from the perils of unnecessary travel. With less travel there are fewer crashes and the air is less polluted. I’m reluctant to give up these gains.”

“I reject the contention that the cost of the shutdown is too great to bear,” the Governor said. “My order was limited to nonessential activities. While this has required many people to drastically change the way they live, I think it is a good trade-off. Think about it. Is there ever any need to put up with nonessential activities? Isn’t spending time and money on nonessential things an unnecessary burden on society? Between the lives saved and the efficiencies achieved by eliminating the nonessential behaviors we have mindlessly incorporated into our daily routine, it looks to me that adapting to a ‘new normal’ is the way to go.”

Meanwhile in North Carolina, in accord with the orders of Gov. Roy Cooper (D), police broke up a protest against the state’s closed economy on the grounds that “protesting is a ‘nonessential activity’ that is explicitly banned by the governor.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Abuse of Authority Intensifies

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Apprised of incidents in which children have been playing inside the homes of friends in their neighborhood, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) has issued an immediate cease and desist decree. “Stay-at-home means stay at your home,” she explained. “A neighbor’s home is not your home. Neither you nor your children may enter any home other than your own. Violators are subject to fine or imprisonment. For those who imply that I’ve gone too far, let me remind them that Dr. Michael Ryan, epidemiologist and executive director of the World Health Organization’s Health Emergencies Program has recommended forcibly removing family members who represent a health threat to the household. I still have that option in my back pocket.”

In Massachusetts, police ticketed people participating in a church service while seated in their cars for violating the State’s “shelter in place order.” While this was happening Superior Court Judge Heidi Brieger ordered that convicted child rapist Glenn Christie be released from jail “so he won’t die of the coronavirus. Mr. Christie didn’t kill the child he repeatedly raped. He wasn’t sentenced to death. His continued incarceration during this pandemic violates the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment.”

In Virginia, the Lighthouse Fellowship on Chincoteague Island was fined $2500 for holding a church service for 16 parishioners. Though the 16 were each kept more than ten feet apart in the 293-seat church, a spokesman for Gov. Ralph Northam (D) justified the penalty on the grounds that “the Governor has banned all gatherings of more than ten people, no matter how far apart they may be. The issue is whether people do or don’t obey the rules laid down for them by the State. If they don’t they should expect to be punished.”

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Tom Wolf (D) ordered police to confiscate ventilators from hospitals that had the foresight to be prepared for a medical emergency so they can be transferred to hospitals that did not prepare. Since there is an existing Statewide Mutual Aid Agreement that already provides for assistance among health care organizations to support each other in times of supply, equipment, and/or staffing shortages, many questioned the need for Wolf’s intervention. Wolf explained that “I need to be seen as a decisive leader during this crisis. Ordering people to do something that they’re already doing is a non-obtrusive way for me to get the visibility I need to bolster the voters’ confidence in my role.”

In Vermont, Gov. Phil Scott (R) has ordered stores to stop selling vegetable seeds because “they are nonessential.” He discounted claims that customers needed the seeds to grow their own food, calling them “unqualified. They don’t have ag degrees or any prior experience. Growing food should be left to professional farmers. All others can buy food at the supermarket like normal people do.”

In Los Angeles, Mayor Eric Garcetti is implementing a “snitches get riches” program “to incentivize neighbors to rat each other out for violating my stay-at-home order.” Garcetti contrasted his “more humane approach to the type of intimidation that was so successfully deployed in the former Soviet Union. We will get similar results—widespread obedience—with less bloodshed. Many residents hate their neighbors. This will give them an opportunity to turn that hatred into cash while making the community a better place.”

Biden Shows Trump How to Be Presidential

Invigorated by rival Sen. Bernie Sanders exit from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former Vice-President Joe Biden turned his attention to the general election with a flurry of health policy initiatives that he says “will differentiate me from the failed incumbent.”

“Statistics show that more men than women are dying from the coronavirus,” he observed. “Yet, at the same time sex-change surgery has been classified as ‘elective’ rather than ‘essential’ medical care. One of the first actions I will take as president will be to reclassify these surgeries as ‘essential.’ Men should have the option to increase their chances of surviving the pandemic by becoming women. I will ensure that they have this option.”

In place of what he called “the ineffectual measures Trump has taken toward this virus. I have recruited Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the genius behind Obamacare, to head up my administration’s medical task force. He has some refreshing and innovative ideas that will totally transform the way we deliver health care in this country.”

One of Emanuel’s “refreshing ideas” is that “no one should want to live past the age of 75. Very few have much to offer society past this age. Most are a net drain on resources. Inasmuch as the coronavirus pretty selectively kills off those older than 75, letting the disease take its course will reduce the burden of having to care for so many individuals of low social value.”

Emanuel also urged that “we should relish the opportunity that the economic shutdown currently in place has given us to test out a radical restructuring of the way we live. By eliminating all nonessential production we have reduced the number of persons who have to work for a living. Only a small minority is required to operate the essential functions. The needs of the many can be met by the toil of the most able and energetic few. Labor-free leisure as a lifestyle for the vast majority is now within our grasp. That vast majority will provide the votes that make the Democratic Party the permanent ruling Party in this country.”

Planned Parenthood Launches Tele-Health Service

While some governors have declared that abortions are an “essential” service that must remain open during the shutdown, others have declared that abortion is a “nonessential” elective surgery. In an effort to overcome the ban on abortions in some states, Planned Parenthood is providing a “do-it-yourself” instructional video service.

“In this time of pandemic it should be clear that getting an abortion is more necessary than ever,” said PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter. “Elective surgeries are procedures that can be postponed without harm. A postponed abortion, though, leads to irreversible harm. An unwanted baby will inevitably be born within a matter of months in every case and have negative ripple effects for decades.”

“In states where we are not permitted to continue this vital health service at our abattoir facilities, patients will be able to view our video tutorial and, with the aid of a don’t-want-to-be-father, perform the procedure at home,” Slaughter advised. “In some important ways, the procedure is simpler than a lot of the recipes that cooking shows lead viewers through as they recreate the tasty dishes of master chefs. For one, the finished product doesn’t have to come out whole. A piece-by-piece extraction can satisfactorily do the job. It may be messier than hiring professionals to do the work, but it allows a woman to accomplish her objective on her own.”

Fauci Defends Exaggerated Death Forecasts

A recent study conducted in an early “hot spot” of COVID-19 in the Gangelt district of Heinsberg concluded that the actual death rate was 0.37%–one-fifth of Germany’s officially reported numbers. In Minnesota, Dr. Scott Jensen says he received a 7-page Center for Disease Control document coaching him to fill out death certificates in a way that overstates the number of COVID-19 deaths. He also suggested that the payment rules giving a hospital a “bonus” for attributing a death to this virus might also skew the official data.

White House adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci brushed aside the above reports, calling them “anecdotal and unreliable. Whether they might be true isn’t as important as the fact that they do not convey the message we were trying to communicate that the population needed to be sequestered in order to slow the spread of the disease. Do you think people would’ve willingly yielded their freedom of movement if they knew that the chance of dying from this virus was less than half of one-percent and that most of that was comprised of elderly persons with prior severe health issues?”

“It was imperative that we shock people into obedience to directives that under normal circumstances would’ve been considered extreme and even tyrannical,” Fauci explained. “It was for their own good and for the good of society. We flattened the curve and have spread the inevitable death toll over many months rather than have had it compacted into a shorter time frame. This extended many eventual victims’ lives by a few months. Isn’t that a valuable achievement?”

“We are also able to enjoy the benefits of lower traffic and less automobile pollution during the shutdown,” the Doctor pointed out. “Maybe people will come to realize that being shut in their homes isn’t all bad if it means we can have cleaner air and a cleaner environment. Maybe they will realize that having to work so hard just so they can buy more useless stuff isn’t as appealing as enjoying more leisure and a more modest lifestyle living on a government stipend. This pandemic gave us the chance to experience a new way of life that we may find is better than the old rut everyone was forced into under capitalism.”

Pelosi Refuses to Condemn Looting

Many of the “nonessential” businesses in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco have been looted. Others are boarding up all their windows in a desperate attempt to discourage looters.

Pelosi averred that “we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn people who are only trying to survive in tough times. Unemployment is at heights we haven’t seen in decades. Many have no incomes. On top of this, when times were better many of these businesses were price-gouging. So, I can see where there might be pent up anger driving some of the expropriations taking place.”

“I would advise people to take the time to consider whether what they call looting isn’t justifiable redistribution of property,” she recommended. “Who should own the goods hidden behind the boarded-up windows? Those who have legal title under our antiquated laws? Or those who need them? The only problem I see is that the do-it-yourself redistribution is inefficient. A lot of the merchandise gets damaged. Some who lack the skill to take what they need are left out of the redistribution attained by the looters. The Democratic Party has been aware of the inequities and inefficiencies inherent in our current economic arrangements for decades. If voters give our Party a majority in Congress and control of the presidency this November we can fix these problems.”

Schiff Demands FEC Fine Trump Campaign

While front line health professionals are waging a 24/7 battle to care for COVID-19 patients, the Trump campaign has been using donated funds to buy meals to feed some of these workers. Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of the recent attempt to impeach and remove President Trump from office, is demanding that the Federal Election Commission penalize the campaign for “this misappropriation of campaign funds.”

“Campaign funds are supposed to be used for campaign activities, not acts of benevolence,” Schiff complained. “Donors give campaign contributions expecting that it will be used to win elections or purchase favorable laws or policies. The sort of deviation that the Trump organization is engaged in is unfair to those of us who follow the rules.”

Schiff expressed the hope that “the FEC will come down hard on these guys. Maybe fines triple the amount they spent on the donated meals, ankle-bracelets for the campaign staff guilty of this infringement, and phone-taps to help deter future repetition of any similar illegal uses of funds. Meanwhile, I will be adding this charge to the next impeachment motion the House files against President Trump.”

Brad Parscale, manager for Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, dismissed Schiff’s accusation as “pure nonsense. We are not only campaigners for Trump. We are also human beings. We are confident that the people who have donated to the President’s reelection approve of our effort to show appreciation for those busy saving lives during this health crisis. Our donors are also normal human beings. I shudder to imagine what kind of people donate to the campaign of someone as vile and reprehensible as Mr. Schiff.”

Democrat Denounced for Praising Trump

Michigan Democratic state Rep. Karen Whitsett praised President Trump for mentioning hydroxychloroquine. “It saved my life,” she said. “If he hadn’t talked about it on TV I never would have known to ask my doctor to prescribe it for me.”

Michigan’s Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer expressed extreme displeasure “with Ms. Whitsett’s selfish behavior. The Democratic Party is battling to save the country from this monster getting reelected. The last thing we need is for one of our own to break ranks and praise him for anything.”

“First of all, there is no proof that this drug saved Ms. Whitsett’s life,” Whitmer argued. “Dr. Fauci, the nation’s foremost expert on coronavirus, says that the drug is unproven and dangerous. But even if it did, Ms. Whitsett putting her own survival ahead of the Party’s needs is unforgivably disloyal. She should have died before she said anything to undermine our Party’s primary objective. I just hope her words are forgotten by election day.”

Did China Burn Virus Victims Alive?

Residents of Wuhan, China claim to have heard the screams of coronavirus victims being burned alive in the local funeral home crematorium. While there is no official confirmation of this happening, it would account for the gap between the government’s admitted 3,000+ deaths and the seeming disappearance of more than 20,000 individuals from the town since the epidemic began.

On the other hand, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization credited “the Chinese Government’s extreme intervention for crushing the epidemic. They didn’t hesitate to confine people in their homes, even going so far as to weld them inside if necessary. Did they burn anybody alive? Possibly, but sometimes harsh methods are warranted by dire circumstances. So I wouldn’t be so hasty to condemn them if they did.”

“I ask that critics compare China’s firm approach with the weak actions of Trump,” Adhanon urged. “Trump merely asked people to wash their hands and socially distance themselves. He didn’t order them to do anything. He even suggested that patients and doctors should have the freedom to try unproven therapies. What he should have done is made everyone wait until a vaccine is ready and mandate that everyone take it, like his adviser Dr. Fauci wants to do.”

The earliest a vaccine is expected to be available for combating the COVID-19 virus is twelve to eighteen months. Based on past experience with flu vaccines, it is unlikely that a vaccine for COVID-19 would be effective for most recipients.

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Schumer Appalled by Trump Letter

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) expressed his disgust at “Trump’s unpresidential response to my criticism of his failures. Rather than graciously acknowledge his deficiencies and resign from office, he defended his leadership during the COVID-19 crisis, corrected my so-called inaccuracies, and called me a bad senator.”

Trump rebutted the Senator’s criticisms by pointing out that “his demand that I appoint a ‘czar’ to lead us in this crisis conveniently ignores the fact that Vice-President Pence has already been appointed to head up our effort and that Rear Admiral John Polowczyk is in charge of purchasing and distributing medical supplies. His complaint that I have left the states to fend for themselves is demonstrably false. We have given lots of aid to his state of New York—much of it to make up for shortages resulting from prior poor decisions by Governor Cuomo.”

Schumer jumped at the chance to disprove Trump’s assertion that New York state officials were slow to take effective action against the virus, “why just yesterday, the legislature agreed to increase Gov. Cuomo’s salary to $250,000 by 2021. This will make him the highest paid governor in the United States. Clearly, this shows that the Party appreciates Gov. Cuomo’s earlier decision to save New York from having to pay $600 million for 16,000 ventilators that the federal government is now going to give us free of charge. He also lead a drive to shut down hospitals. Now the feds are giving us new hospitals, also free of charge. Gov. Cuomo is smarter than all the other governors who foolishly made their own taxpayers fund emergency medical supplies. That shows the kind of heads-up thinking that the country needs from our next president.”

Biden to Take “Hands-on” Approach to Find Running Mate

The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden renewed his pledge “to have a woman be my running mate” and vowed he will “take a hands-on approach to vetting the field of contenders.”

One that has recently garnered Biden’s attention is Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. “She looks like she has what it will take to serve under me when I’m president,” he said. “That 180 degree turn she took on that malaria drug—first banning it in her state, then demanding the feds supply her with it—showed that she has moves. She also has some of the most alluring hair I’ve never touched.”

“I’m not saying she’s the one, though,” the Veep added. “There are others I’ve got to feel out to see if they measure up to my expectations and needs as head-of-state. As I recall, there were a few women in some of those debates that might do, though I can’t remember their names right now. And let’s not forget the transgenders. Jill and I have always liked the transgenders. Having someone like Georgia Gov. Stacey Abrams as my vice-president would be historic.”

Pelosi Calls for Investigation

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced the creation of the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif), leader of this year’s unsuccessful attempt to remove Trump from office via impeachment, is expected to head up this ad hoc committee.

President Trump has questioned the timing of this announcement and suggested that “we win the war against this virus rather than wasting precious time and scarce resources trying to allocate blame now. After we’ve won this war we can assess what went wrong and what went right so we can be better prepared for future medical emergencies.”

To bolster his suggestion, Trump recalled that “when Gov. Dewey—one of the great New York governors—was running against FDR in the 1944 election there were some urging him to support a congressional investigation of the Pearl Harbor disaster and why we were unprepared for the Japanese attack. While acknowledging that such an investigation might help him win the election, he declined to support it saying ‘I’d rather lose an election than lose a war.’ He put patriotism ahead of politics. Why can’t we do that now?”

“Need I point out that Dewey lost that election?” Pelosi retorted. “Given that Trump is a far more serious threat to the country than the virus, I can assure you that we Democrats will not be using Dewey as a model for us to emulate. Despite our best efforts over the past three years to save the nation from the incompetence and evil intent manifested by Trump, the peril has only grown worse. We owe it to the American people to use any means and every opportunity to end the nightmare that began on November 8, 2016 as soon as possible. If our inquiry distracts Trump from carrying out his inept actions during the crisis, so much the better.”

In other insane news, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) and Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) are demanding that Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar compile statistics on the race of COVID-19 patients. “We need to know whether minorities are suffering in numbers disproportionate to their share of the total population,” Warren said. “If they are that will be more evidence of the racist impacts of the Trump Administration’s handling of this crisis.”

New IG Report Reveals Rampant Corruption in FISA Program

While the news is inundated with stories about the COVID-19 pandemic, Inspector General of the Department of Justice Michael Horowitz issued a new report on the FISA program. His terse conclusion that “we do not have confidence in FBI policy compliance” grossly understated the gravity of the Agency’s transgressions.

The most alarming finding in this report is that 96% of the FISA applications requesting permission to spy on American citizens contained serious errors or omissions. These included “unverified, inaccurate, and inadequately supported allegations” that were used to get the FISA court to authorize the spying.

James Comey, FBI Director overseeing these defective requests to spy on Americans, insists that “these were all honest mistakes. Maybe we were a little sloppy in our zeal to prevent the unqualified Donald Trump from being elected president and exercising the powers entrusted to that office, but our intentions were good.”

As proof of his own good intentions, Comey pointed out that former CIA director John Brennan and former director of national intelligence James Clapper “also spied on Americans and lied about it under oath when they testified before Congress. When all the top intelligence professionals are simultaneously breaking the law and lying about it you’ve got to figure they have darn good cause for doing it.”

Petty Tyranny Pops Up Around the USA

Malibu, California: A man paddle-boarding in the Pacific Ocean off the coast was arrested and taken away in handcuffs for violating the state’s social distancing rules. He now faces a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a jail stint of up to six months. Earlier in the week, a lone surfer was arrested and fined $1,000. A spokesperson for Gov. Gavin Newsom explained that “while the fact that this perp was more than hundreds of feet from any other person might seem to be within the guidelines, it is not up to individuals to make this interpretation for themselves. Yes, being outdoors to exercise is one of the activities permitted under the stay-at-home order. However, if we are barring pick-up basketball games, which are very popular forms of exercise among African-American youths, it would be racist to allow options favored by whites. The deprivation and suffering must be racially balanced.”

San Francisco: A lone protester praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic was arrested for violating Gov. Newsom’s stay-at-home order. The arresting officer explained that “even though he was more than the specified ten feet from persons entering and leaving the facility, praying is not exercising. Neither is his contention that the Constitution’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech takes precedence over the Governor’s order. During a health emergency individual rights must be put aside and everyone obey the orders they are given by their government.”

Laredo, Texas: The city council passed an ordinance requiring all persons over the age of 5 to have their nose and mouth covered when entering public buildings, using public transportation, and pumping gas. Additionally, anyone who is outside his or her residence between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am must have a letter of permission from a recognized authority. Violators are subject to a $1,000 fine or 180 days imprisonment. Thus far, three persons have died with the COVID-19 virus out of a total city population of more than 260,000.

Vermont: The Agency of Commerce and Community Development has ordered Walmart and Target to stop selling nonessential items. Secretary Lindsay Kurrle explained that “even though it might be convenient for consumers to buy such items while they’re shopping for groceries in these stores, it would be unfair to the clothing, housewares, and other stores that have been ordered closed by the governor.”

New York City: Mayor Bill de Blasio threatened to “permanently shut down any church or synagogue that refuses to obey Governor Cuomo’s ‘stay-at-home’ order. No one has the right to endanger the community by failing to comply with the directives of those in charge. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Praying to a non-existent God is a waste of time that can only be tolerated when it doesn’t interfere with the needs of the state.”

Washington, DC: Mayor Muriel Bowser has decreed that anyone who violates his “stay-at-home” order will be faced with a $5,000 fine and 90 days in jail. Mercedes Schlapp, an adviser to President Trump’s re-election campaign, questioned the sanity of this order. “Locking up curfew violators with the kinds of violent criminals that inhabit the City’s jails seems a cruel punishment for such a mild offense,” she tweeted. “And the $5,000 fine seems excessive.” Bowser replied “if you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime” and added “the $5,000 fine is needed to cover the cost of the violator’s incarceration.”

Mayor Asks Criminals to Postpone Predatory Behavior

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner went on TV to try to persuade criminals “to wait until the COVID-19 pandemic eases up, before you go out to rob, rape, or murder someone. I know you have needs. I know you have scores to settle. But the risk to your own health at this time is too great. Prey on the wrong person and you could get sick and maybe die. I’m not asking you to give up your careers or stifle your passions. I’m just advising you to be patient so you can violate the law later without undue risk to yourself.”

In related news, the ACLU has called for the release of all prisoners in the COVID-19 high-risk group. Spokesman Bertram Petty charged that “keeping these people confined in jails amounts to a death sentence. We also call for a moratorium on arrests for similar reasons. Putting more people behind bars during the pandemic will lead to more people coming down with the virus. This is an unacceptable violation of their human rights.”

In response, California Gov. Gavin Newsom commuted the sentences of 14 murderers to “time-served” and authorized their immediate release. “We don’t want these men’s blood on our hands,” he explained. “They were sentenced to life or lengthy prison terms, not death.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.nistration.”