By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Though Twitter has a lengthy record of permitting leftists to post blatant lies and evidence-free accusations, this week it took issue with President Trump’s tweet warning of the risk of vote-fraud in vote-by-mail elections. Twitter alleged that a “fact check” shows that vote-fraud is nonexistent. It seems that the so-called fact check relied solely on repeated assertions from Democrats that vote-fraud does not exist to any serious extent.
As it turns out, the assertion that vote-fraud is not a serious problem is itself a false statement. Back in 2005 a bipartisan Commission on Federal Election Reform, co-chaired by former President Jimmy Carter (D) and former Secretary of State James Baker (R) declared, “absentee ballots remain the largest source of potential voter fraud.” A number of incidents since 2005 bolster that finding.
In this year alone, Pennsylvania election officials acknowledged that an unknown number of duplicate mail-in ballots were sent out to registered voters. In West Virginia, a mail carrier was caught attempting to forge mail-in ballots. In Nevada, thousands of mail-in ballots were sent to voters who no longer live in the state. In New Jersey, 600 fraudulent mail-in ballots were intercepted by an alert postal worker.
In 2018, Broward County, Florida received and counted more ballots than there were registered voters. In Michigan, Democratic Party poll watcher, Sherikia Hawkins was charged with altering 138 mail-in ballots. In 2011, investigative reporter Margaret Menge tested the system and was able to obtain three ballots for three different names at the same address in Palm Beach County, Florida.
Several other countries have banned or severely limited mail-in ballots. These include Denmark, Finland, France, Italy, Norway, the United Kingdom, and Mexico.
Nevertheless, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) denounced Trump’s objections to how Twitter handled his tweet, calling these objections “part of a calculated plan to push unfiltered lies on the American public. His claim that Democrats are the ones lying to the public are unsubtantiated. I challenge him to produce evidence that a single reputable news source has vetted his statements. In contrast, our Party has virtually 100% support, validation, and amplification from the media for almost everything we say.”
In related news, Joe Biden has hired a national director for voter protection “whose job will be to ensure that every person can vote as much as possible in the upcoming election.”
Arson & Theft Mar Minneapolis Protest
The legitimate grievance against the Minneapolis police who seem to have caused the death of subdued suspect George Floyd was undermined when opportunistic thieves and troublemakers used a protest demonstration as cover for robbery and arson. Businesses near the 3rd Precinct headquarters were vandalized, merchandise stolen, cash registers smashed open with hammers, and buildings set on fire. This display of lawless behavior was met by diverse responses.
Mayor Jacob Frey (D) was distressed that “those trying to liberate assets from their capitalist oppressors are not socially distancing as required by the Governors’ emergency order. I want everyone to be safe. Thieves and arsonists should maintain a minimum six foot distance from other protest participants. While I was glad to see that most wore masks, there were still some who did not. Those without masks can pick one up at my office. Even if they don’t think they need one for COVID protection, it is still useful for concealing one’s identity from witnesses and surveillance cameras.”
Race expert Al Sharpton lamented the fact that “some of the businesses robbed and destroyed were black-owned. One business burned down was a bar belonging to a former fireman who invested his life-savings in the venture. This is not the kind of tragedy we want to see.” In contrast, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden disagreed, saying “investing in a business is not typical black behavior. This is the kind of thing white people do. Based on the evidence I’d have to say that the bar owner ain’t black.”
Despite the fact that Minneapolis has been run by Democrats for decades and that the cop who killed Floyd had a long string of complaints against him for brutality—one of which he was allowed to skate on by Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D) when she was a prosecutor, CNN Tonight host Don Lemon blamed Trump for the violence. “Trump’s statement that the looting and burning don’t do a thing toward getting justice for Floyd is not something I want to hear at this point,” Lemon complained. “He should be apologizing for the mistakes he and other whites have made that subjected blacks to 400 years of misery and suffering in this country. What he sees as crimes are more fairly construed as partial revenge for more than 400 years of injustice.”
Loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton questioned Trump’s “biased response. His threat to use force to restore order places the lives and property of innocent business owners ahead of the rights of looters and arsonists. A president is the representative of all the people. He or she must show equal consideration for the rights of all—victim and criminal alike. That’s the way it would be if I were president today.”
Filmmaker Michael Moore accused white Minnesotans of complicity in Floyd’s murder. “They elected the Mayor who appointed the police chief who nurtured the homicidal cop who killed Floyd,” Moore contended. “To atone they should assist in demolishing the police headquarters and the City government.”
MSNBC journalist Ali Velshi reported from on the scene that the mayhem “is not generally unruly. The acts of depredation are not random. The thefts are mostly high-end electronics and cash. The fires have been contained to the targeted buildings by quick responses from the fire department. So far the only fatality was a looter shot by a shopkeeper. On balance, I think we have to categorize the protest as relatively well-behaved compared to what it could have been.”
Meanwhile, Floyd’s death has been officially added to the COVID-19 death toll by the Minneapolis Health Department. A spokesman for the Department explained that “the reported breathing problems of Mr. Floyd just prior to his demise are symptomatic of the type of demise caused by the virus.”
Biden Waffles on Running Mate
Former Vice-President Joe Biden backed off from an earlier promise to choose “a woman of color” as his running mate for the November election, saying “my run-in with Charlamagne Tha God last week has caused me pause. I thought that skin color would be sufficient as a measure of authentic blackness. Now I have my doubts.”
“Likewise, I have been informed that my classification of what constitutes a ‘woman’ may be too rigid for today’s reality,” Biden added. “What seemed simple is now complex. I thought Sen. Kamala Harris or Gov. Stacey Abrams were obvious choices. Now I’m not sure whether either one is authentically black or female. It has been pointed out to me that neither one has publicly proven either qualification. Perhaps it would be better to select someone like Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who despite all appearances, has declared herself to be a person of color. Or maybe I ought to go with Mayor Pete Buttigieg who appears to be white, but at least has chosen a nonstandard gender identification. We’re going to need some more polls and focus groups to sort all this out and point me in the right direction.”
Gov Irate at Citizens’ Insubordination
As the mass hysteria that allowed so many governors to frighten citizens into mindless obedience to inane and oppressive edicts has waned, Washington Governor Jay Inslee (D) is irate. “I am the ruler of this state,” he declared. “It is everyone’s obligation—citizen and non-citizen, alike—to do what I tell them to do.”
A major irritant has been the increasingly widespread refusal of sheriffs and local police to cite, arrest, shutdown, or otherwise harass individuals attempting to enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness our representative democracy is meant to secure. “I consequently have ordered the Department of Labor and Industries to impose $10,000 per day fines for any deviations from the path I have decreed the state must follow in these perilous times of pandemic and climate change,” Inslee announced.
It’s possible that the real source of Inslee’s actions are revelations that a substantial portion of the state’s Cares Act funding allocation was scammed away by Nigerian princes. Inslee defended state bureaucrats duped by this oldest of scams, asserting that “the need for speed combined with the apparent opportunity to leverage our funds with millions of extra dollars in inheritance money that otherwise might have been snatched up by another state may have led to inadequate vetting of the eligibility of these recipients.”
Speaker Says Proxy Voting “More Efficient”
Concerned that traditional representative government “may be too chaotic and obsolete for our modern era,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has initiated “an experimental trial of proxy voting. It’s bad enough during normal times for us to have to shuttle back-and-forth between our districts and Washington DC. Now, with every step outside one’s home risking a veritable death sentence from the COVID virus, it makes more sense to develop an alternative method for conducting Congress’ business.”
Under her initial plan, each attending member of the House would be able to cast as many as ten proxy votes for absent members in Congress. Pelosi pointed out that “corporations use this process all the time. Shareholders aren’t forced to attend corporate meetings in order for their votes to be counted. They can give their proxies to management or others and authorize them to cast the votes. This saves the shareholders the trouble and expense of having to vote for themselves. I think this more efficient system should be used in Congress. I think if we can ultimately get to a point where all or the majority of the proxies are given to the Speaker, the legislative process in the House will be more streamlined and rapid.”
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) dubbed Pelosi’s proxy plans “unconstitutional. Our founding document provides for the election of the people’s representatives to propose, debate, and act on legislation. Being present to conduct these duties may be inconvenient at times, but it is essential.” McCarthy has filed a suit seeking to overturn “this improper evasion of the supreme law of the land.” Pelosi labeled the suit “a sad stunt.”
De Blasio to Keep NYC Shut “as Long as I Can”
While he acknowledged that “the fight against COVID is largely won,” New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) vowed “to keep this City shutdown as long as I can. We mustn’t overlook the greater threat posed by the possibility that Trump will be reelected. Averting such a possibility is my top priority. If that causes additional suffering in the short-run that’s a price we have to be willing to pay.”
To bolster his strategy, the Mayor pointed to a just-released statement by Harvard professor Jason Furman that “a strong economic recovery would almost certainly lead to President Trump winning in November.” “Furman was one of President Obama’s top economists,” de Blasio said. “His forecast must be taken seriously. It is incumbent upon every Democratic officeholder to wield what ever power he has or can usurp to try to avert such a disastrous outcome. I this regard, I am pleased to see that Gov. Cuomo has backed off of his previously promised plans to expedite the state’s economic recovery.”
Now that Cuomo’s deadly decision to move COVID-infected seniors into nursing homes has been shown to have increased the state’s death toll by more than 10,000, though, it seems doubtful that he will be able to toe-the-line on keeping the state locked down. Health care expert Dr. Betsy McCaughey punctured Cuomo’s claim that he was following federal rules when he ordered unprepared nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients. “The administration recommended nursing homes should admit patients even if they were coming from a hospital battling COVID-19, not that patients with COVID-19 themselves should be admitted,” she said. “Not only was his order inescapably stupid, his attempt to shift blame is morally reprehensible.”
Being as stupid and reprehensible as he is didn’t stop Cuomo from criticizing the exposure of his stupidity and moral failing as “an unfair political tactic. None of the respected media—not the New York Times, not CNN—have blamed me. On the contrary, they all have praised my leadership during this pandemic. I am confident that a fact check of Dr. McCaughey’s work by a reputable media outlet will result in a finding of ‘false.’”
Chicago Mayor Defends Enforcement Priorities
Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s decision to shift police resources to conducting raids on churches that hold services in defiance of her edict that this not be permitted has led to questions regarding her priorities. As is well-known, there are dozens of shootings in the City every week and a lengthy list of unsolved murders. This past Sunday, though, five police cars loaded with officers descended on Chicago Cornerstone Baptist Church to break-up Pastor Courtney Lewis’ sermon and disperse the parishioners.
Lightfoot justified the raid saying that “the City’s residents have learned to live with the constant murders, but COVID-19 is a new and much more deadly threat. This disease has no known cure. It has already killed more than 100,000 people in this country. My lockdown order is intended to combat this greater threat. I must also point out that people are also less likely to be murdered on the streets if they stay at home like I told them to. Once we have a vaccine for the virus, police resources will be freed up to go back to grappling with murder cases. Until then, freedom of religion is suspended in my City for the duration of the pandemic.”
Meanwhile, in response to civic disorder mimicking that taking place in Minneapolis, the Mayor has directed police to “not use force to disperse any large gatherings, especially if looting or arson is taking place. Resources must be conserved to suppress gatherings occurring in churches that are violating the lockdown.”
In related news, CNN senior political analyst John Avlon branded President Trump as a “hypocrite” for not attending church. “If he doesn’t go to church himself how can he defend the right of others to go to church?” Avlon asked. “I hope voters will see this kind of inconsistency as a good reason not to reelect the man.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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