Battle Over Election Fraud Heats Up

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Though Twitter has a lengthy record of permitting leftists to post blatant lies and evidence-free accusations, this week it took issue with President Trump’s tweet warning of the risk of vote-fraud in vote-by-mail elections. Twitter alleged that a “fact check” shows that vote-fraud is nonexistent. It seems that the so-called fact check relied solely on repeated assertions from Democrats that vote-fraud does not exist to any serious extent.

As it turns out, the assertion that vote-fraud is not a serious problem is itself a false statement. Back in 2005 a bipartisan Commission on Federal Election Reform, co-chaired by former President Jimmy Carter (D) and former Secretary of State James Baker (R) declared, “absentee ballots remain the largest source of potential voter fraud.” A number of incidents since 2005 bolster that finding.

In this year alone, Pennsylvania election officials acknowledged that an unknown number of duplicate mail-in ballots were sent out to registered voters. In West Virginia, a mail carrier was caught attempting to forge mail-in ballots. In Nevada, thousands of mail-in ballots were sent to voters who no longer live in the state. In New Jersey, 600 fraudulent mail-in ballots were intercepted by an alert postal worker.

In 2018, Broward County, Florida received and counted more ballots than there were registered voters. In Michigan, Democratic Party poll watcher, Sherikia Hawkins was charged with altering 138 mail-in ballots. In 2011, investigative reporter Margaret Menge tested the system and was able to obtain three ballots for three different names at the same address in Palm Beach County, Florida.

Several other countries have banned or severely limited mail-in ballots. These include Denmark, Finland, France, Italy, Norway, the United Kingdom, and Mexico.

Nevertheless, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) denounced Trump’s objections to how Twitter handled his tweet, calling these objections “part of a calculated plan to push unfiltered lies on the American public. His claim that Democrats are the ones lying to the public are unsubtantiated. I challenge him to produce evidence that a single reputable news source has vetted his statements. In contrast, our Party has virtually 100% support, validation, and amplification from the media for almost everything we say.”

In related news, Joe Biden has hired a national director for voter protection “whose job will be to ensure that every person can vote as much as possible in the upcoming election.”

Arson & Theft Mar Minneapolis Protest

The legitimate grievance against the Minneapolis police who seem to have caused the death of subdued suspect George Floyd was undermined when opportunistic thieves and troublemakers used a protest demonstration as cover for robbery and arson. Businesses near the 3rd Precinct headquarters were vandalized, merchandise stolen, cash registers smashed open with hammers, and buildings set on fire. This display of lawless behavior was met by diverse responses.

Mayor Jacob Frey (D) was distressed that “those trying to liberate assets from their capitalist oppressors are not socially distancing as required by the Governors’ emergency order. I want everyone to be safe. Thieves and arsonists should maintain a minimum six foot distance from other protest participants. While I was glad to see that most wore masks, there were still some who did not. Those without masks can pick one up at my office. Even if they don’t think they need one for COVID protection, it is still useful for concealing one’s identity from witnesses and surveillance cameras.”

Race expert Al Sharpton lamented the fact that “some of the businesses robbed and destroyed were black-owned. One business burned down was a bar belonging to a former fireman who invested his life-savings in the venture. This is not the kind of tragedy we want to see.” In contrast, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden disagreed, saying “investing in a business is not typical black behavior. This is the kind of thing white people do. Based on the evidence I’d have to say that the bar owner ain’t black.”

Despite the fact that Minneapolis has been run by Democrats for decades and that the cop who killed Floyd had a long string of complaints against him for brutality—one of which he was allowed to skate on by Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D) when she was a prosecutor, CNN Tonight host Don Lemon blamed Trump for the violence. “Trump’s statement that the looting and burning don’t do a thing toward getting justice for Floyd is not something I want to hear at this point,” Lemon complained. “He should be apologizing for the mistakes he and other whites have made that subjected blacks to 400 years of misery and suffering in this country. What he sees as crimes are more fairly construed as partial revenge for more than 400 years of injustice.”

Loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton questioned Trump’s “biased response. His threat to use force to restore order places the lives and property of innocent business owners ahead of the rights of looters and arsonists. A president is the representative of all the people. He or she must show equal consideration for the rights of all—victim and criminal alike. That’s the way it would be if I were president today.”

Filmmaker Michael Moore accused white Minnesotans of complicity in Floyd’s murder. “They elected the Mayor who appointed the police chief who nurtured the homicidal cop who killed Floyd,” Moore contended. “To atone they should assist in demolishing the police headquarters and the City government.”

MSNBC journalist Ali Velshi reported from on the scene that the mayhem “is not generally unruly. The acts of depredation are not random. The thefts are mostly high-end electronics and cash. The fires have been contained to the targeted buildings by quick responses from the fire department. So far the only fatality was a looter shot by a shopkeeper. On balance, I think we have to categorize the protest as relatively well-behaved compared to what it could have been.”

Meanwhile, Floyd’s death has been officially added to the COVID-19 death toll by the Minneapolis Health Department. A spokesman for the Department explained that “the reported breathing problems of Mr. Floyd just prior to his demise are symptomatic of the type of demise caused by the virus.”

Biden Waffles on Running Mate

Former Vice-President Joe Biden backed off from an earlier promise to choose “a woman of color” as his running mate for the November election, saying “my run-in with Charlamagne Tha God last week has caused me pause. I thought that skin color would be sufficient as a measure of authentic blackness. Now I have my doubts.”

“Likewise, I have been informed that my classification of what constitutes a ‘woman’ may be too rigid for today’s reality,” Biden added. “What seemed simple is now complex. I thought Sen. Kamala Harris or Gov. Stacey Abrams were obvious choices. Now I’m not sure whether either one is authentically black or female. It has been pointed out to me that neither one has publicly proven either qualification. Perhaps it would be better to select someone like Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who despite all appearances, has declared herself to be a person of color. Or maybe I ought to go with Mayor Pete Buttigieg who appears to be white, but at least has chosen a nonstandard gender identification. We’re going to need some more polls and focus groups to sort all this out and point me in the right direction.”

Gov Irate at Citizens’ Insubordination

As the mass hysteria that allowed so many governors to frighten citizens into mindless obedience to inane and oppressive edicts has waned, Washington Governor Jay Inslee (D) is irate. “I am the ruler of this state,” he declared. “It is everyone’s obligation—citizen and non-citizen, alike—to do what I tell them to do.”

A major irritant has been the increasingly widespread refusal of sheriffs and local police to cite, arrest, shutdown, or otherwise harass individuals attempting to enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness our representative democracy is meant to secure. “I consequently have ordered the Department of Labor and Industries to impose $10,000 per day fines for any deviations from the path I have decreed the state must follow in these perilous times of pandemic and climate change,” Inslee announced.

It’s possible that the real source of Inslee’s actions are revelations that a substantial portion of the state’s Cares Act funding allocation was scammed away by Nigerian princes. Inslee defended state bureaucrats duped by this oldest of scams, asserting that “the need for speed combined with the apparent opportunity to leverage our funds with millions of extra dollars in inheritance money that otherwise might have been snatched up by another state may have led to inadequate vetting of the eligibility of these recipients.”

Speaker Says Proxy Voting “More Efficient”

Concerned that traditional representative government “may be too chaotic and obsolete for our modern era,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has initiated “an experimental trial of proxy voting. It’s bad enough during normal times for us to have to shuttle back-and-forth between our districts and Washington DC. Now, with every step outside one’s home risking a veritable death sentence from the COVID virus, it makes more sense to develop an alternative method for conducting Congress’ business.”

Under her initial plan, each attending member of the House would be able to cast as many as ten proxy votes for absent members in Congress. Pelosi pointed out that “corporations use this process all the time. Shareholders aren’t forced to attend corporate meetings in order for their votes to be counted. They can give their proxies to management or others and authorize them to cast the votes. This saves the shareholders the trouble and expense of having to vote for themselves. I think this more efficient system should be used in Congress. I think if we can ultimately get to a point where all or the majority of the proxies are given to the Speaker, the legislative process in the House will be more streamlined and rapid.”

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) dubbed Pelosi’s proxy plans “unconstitutional. Our founding document provides for the election of the people’s representatives to propose, debate, and act on legislation. Being present to conduct these duties may be inconvenient at times, but it is essential.” McCarthy has filed a suit seeking to overturn “this improper evasion of the supreme law of the land.” Pelosi labeled the suit “a sad stunt.”

De Blasio to Keep NYC Shut “as Long as I Can”

While he acknowledged that “the fight against COVID is largely won,” New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) vowed “to keep this City shutdown as long as I can. We mustn’t overlook the greater threat posed by the possibility that Trump will be reelected. Averting such a possibility is my top priority. If that causes additional suffering in the short-run that’s a price we have to be willing to pay.”

To bolster his strategy, the Mayor pointed to a just-released statement by Harvard professor Jason Furman that “a strong economic recovery would almost certainly lead to President Trump winning in November.” “Furman was one of President Obama’s top economists,” de Blasio said. “His forecast must be taken seriously. It is incumbent upon every Democratic officeholder to wield what ever power he has or can usurp to try to avert such a disastrous outcome. I this regard, I am pleased to see that Gov. Cuomo has backed off of his previously promised plans to expedite the state’s economic recovery.”

Now that Cuomo’s deadly decision to move COVID-infected seniors into nursing homes has been shown to have increased the state’s death toll by more than 10,000, though, it seems doubtful that he will be able to toe-the-line on keeping the state locked down. Health care expert Dr. Betsy McCaughey punctured Cuomo’s claim that he was following federal rules when he ordered unprepared nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients. “The administration recommended nursing homes should admit patients even if they were coming from a hospital battling COVID-19, not that patients with COVID-19 themselves should be admitted,” she said. “Not only was his order inescapably stupid, his attempt to shift blame is morally reprehensible.”

Being as stupid and reprehensible as he is didn’t stop Cuomo from criticizing the exposure of his stupidity and moral failing as “an unfair political tactic. None of the respected media—not the New York Times, not CNN—have blamed me. On the contrary, they all have praised my leadership during this pandemic. I am confident that a fact check of Dr. McCaughey’s work by a reputable media outlet will result in a finding of ‘false.’”

Chicago Mayor Defends Enforcement Priorities

Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s decision to shift police resources to conducting raids on churches that hold services in defiance of her edict that this not be permitted has led to questions regarding her priorities. As is well-known, there are dozens of shootings in the City every week and a lengthy list of unsolved murders. This past Sunday, though, five police cars loaded with officers descended on Chicago Cornerstone Baptist Church to break-up Pastor Courtney Lewis’ sermon and disperse the parishioners.

Lightfoot justified the raid saying that “the City’s residents have learned to live with the constant murders, but COVID-19 is a new and much more deadly threat. This disease has no known cure. It has already killed more than 100,000 people in this country. My lockdown order is intended to combat this greater threat. I must also point out that people are also less likely to be murdered on the streets if they stay at home like I told them to. Once we have a vaccine for the virus, police resources will be freed up to go back to grappling with murder cases. Until then, freedom of religion is suspended in my City for the duration of the pandemic.”

Meanwhile, in response to civic disorder mimicking that taking place in Minneapolis, the Mayor has directed police to “not use force to disperse any large gatherings, especially if looting or arson is taking place. Resources must be conserved to suppress gatherings occurring in churches that are violating the lockdown.”

In related news, CNN senior political analyst John Avlon branded President Trump as a “hypocrite” for not attending church. “If he doesn’t go to church himself how can he defend the right of others to go to church?” Avlon asked. “I hope voters will see this kind of inconsistency as a good reason not to reelect the man.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths.

“Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me,” Cuomo said. “He could’ve stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn’t overruling bad decisions made by state and local governments one of the things that we expect from a president?”

The governor pointed to polls showing 70 percent of New Yorkers approving his handling of the pandemic as further justification for his actions. “I think voters realize that I am no dumber than they are in dealing with this unprecedented calamity,” he pointed out. “Likewise, polls indicating that most Democrats would prefer that I replace Biden as the Party’s presidential nominee is a vote of confidence that Trump can’t match from his Party. The media has been very congratulatory regarding my performance. I was able to wheedle more aid out of Trump than any other governor. My sterling leadership sets me head-and-shoulders above my peers in either Party.”

FBI to Reevaluate Role in Flynn Case

Professing himself “disturbed” by the unexpected turn in the Flynn case, FBI Director Christopher Wray has ordered an internal review. “It is particularly concerning that the confidentiality of our methods has been compromised,” Wray observed. “If the Agency’s files can be so easily exposed to scrutiny we need to consider whether any records should be kept going forward. Our effectiveness will be blunted if unauthorized people can pierce the veil of secrecy that is vital to keeping the government safe from the type of oppositional defiant disorder exhibited by persons like Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters.”

Wray brushed aside assertions that his review was a duplication of efforts already underway at the direction of Attorney General William Barr, pointing out “that to my way of thinking, Barr is an outsider whose loyalties lie elsewhere. He is, after all, the one who blocked our slam dunk case against Flynn. Because of his intervention, instead of another successful prosecution the FBI is looking incompetent or worse. We need our own internal and confidential process for determining how to avert similar outcomes in the future.”

NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day

A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that “this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I’m here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn’t permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside.”

De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet light in sunshine and that the vitamin D human bodies produce when exposed to sunlight strengthens resistance to becoming infected. “This is just anecdotal,” he contended. “I refuse to believe that such a cheap and easy remedy is something we can rely on when rarer and more expensive options have yet to be developed and proven.”

The mayor warned that “if people go to the area without masks, get too close to others, or go into the water police will be there to prevent it. Likewise, police will be on the lookout for any nonessential business transactions and will cite any persons engaged in such activity. Resources must be conserved to ensure that essential activities, like government, are fully funded.”

Thus far, the ban on nonessential activities has drastically cut into government revenues and endangered the lavish pensions promised to retired government employees. “Not to worry,” de Blasio said, “Sen. Schumer (D-NY) is working on legislation to transfer funds from parts of the country that don’t need it to help cover our shortfall.”

Meanwhile, a few miles from New York City, Nassau County Executive Laura Curran announced that tennis courts will be reopened, but advised that players “may not touch each other’s balls unless they reside in the same household. If players are from different households they may kick each other’s balls.” Curran cast these guidelines “as a way for everyone to stay safe while enjoying the game.”

Biden Says Blacks Who Don’t Support him “Ain’t Black”

In an interview on the “Breakfast Club” Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that “if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” Biden’s statement was in response to Charlemagne’s attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading “we’ve got more questions.”

While Biden’s assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted “it definitely was not racist. We all say things on television or radio interviews that maybe we would like to take back. I think voters will give him a chance to take it back.”

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) is not inclined to let Biden off-the-hook, saying “this is the most condescending and arrogant comment toward the black community I have ever heard. As a black man I am more than my skin color. I can think for myself and make my own judgments. Biden sponsored a crime bill in the 1990s that jailed more African-American males than any other legislation. President Trump supported and signed legislation to undo the injustices spawned by Biden’s bill. I think a black man assessing these events can decide for himself which man to vote for as president.”

Upon reflection, Biden spoke in his own defense, pointing out “that Delaware was a slave state. I always had to keep that fact in mind when I was a Senator. I had to represent all the people of Delaware as I weighed which bills deserved my support. I recognize that this led to some zigging and zagging across the political spectrum. Sometimes I voted for bigger welfare benefits. Sometimes I voted to crackdown on crime. I think the fact that I was repeatedly reelected indicates that I did a pretty good job of balancing the competing interests of all the races in my state for more than 30 years.”

James Carville, former campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton, predicted that “Joe will rise above this kerfuffle and whip Trump’s fat ass in November. The Republicans’ attempt to treat blacks as individuals who can think independently will fall flat. Democrats are the ones who’ve delivered the goods. We’re the Party that has rescued tens of millions from wage-slavery by providing the material benefits that have enabled them to choose an alternative lifestyle without being forced to work for it.”

In related news, The Nation columnist Katha Pollitt announced that she “would vote for Joe Biden if he boiled babies and ate them.” She defended her callous opinion by calling eating babies “beneficial to the environment. It would contribute to the reduction of the human population and utilize an economical method of disposing of the unneeded human protein if more of us added this food to our diet. Other animals could be reprieved and land used for farming returned to its natural uncultivated condition.”

Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod

Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar’s odds for snagging the spot as Biden’s vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year’s election. CNN’s Chris Cuomo called it “a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective.”

Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug “a menace” and mocked Trump’s recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to distinguish between her political and personal attitude toward the medication, saying that “my husband is a good person and deserves every chance to live. Trump, in contrast, is a bad person who needs to be removed from office by any means possible. I think my ability to make this distinction should bolster my credentials for the VP slot.”

Meanwhile, sensing an opportunity, rival VP contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) has introduced legislation that would classify the use of phrases like “Wuhan virus, Chinese virus and Kung Flu” to describe the coronavirus as a “hate crime.”

“Racist attempts to blame the pandemic on the Chinese government are fraught with peril,” Harris maintained. “China has the ability to destroy us economically and militarily. We must not provoke them. Vice-President Biden has spent decades currying favor with China. We must show their government where we stand as a nation so he can continue those efforts after he is elected president.”

Newsom Threatens to Fire First-Responders

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) says “the federal government has an ethical obligation to bail out my state. Admittedly, we might have been excessively generous in how we spent taxpayers’ money. Perhaps this was a mistake. However, there is no need to make the people of California suffer for the miscues of their government. The federal government has an unconstrained power to create money. Failure to use this power to rescue California from bankruptcy would be a crime against humanity.”

Among the “miscues” are $1 trillion in unfunded pension liabilities, 15,000 hotel rooms leased to house the homeless along with the cost of drugs to feed their habits while sequestered in these hotels, more than 300,000 state employees drawing six-figure annual salaries, and $125 million in coronavirus unemployment benefits for illegal aliens.

The governor suggested he would try to motivate Trump to “do the right thing” by “laying off police, health care workers, and fire fighters first. Public employees that Trump would probably consider unnecessary ‘dead wood’ won’t be let go because it wouldn’t trouble him one bit. It’s only when innocent civilians are put at risk that Republicans can be counted on to take action.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers “are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state’s zero-dollar bail policy. We haven’t the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom.”

Newsom proclaimed himself “seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won’t enforce. It isn’t their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that allows accused felons who can’t afford bail to be released on their own recognizance. I fear that Mims’ focus on repeat offenses from this segment of the population could be construed as racist.”

Mims called Newsom’s remarks “a slur. We are rearresting people who are stealing, assaulting, and murdering without regard to skin color. These are the individuals that the public needs protection from. The Governor’s insistence that everyone should wear masks actually works against public safety by making it harder to identify perps on surveillance camera videos.”

Meanwhile in New York City, a half-dozen police officers accosted 22-year-old Kaleemah Rozier and threw her to the pavement in full view of her terrified toddler for “improperly wearing her mask.” One of the arresting officers explained “when you break the law, you pay the price.” Ironically, New York has been releasing convicted felons from prison during the COVID-19 crisis in order to protect them from catching the virus. Now there’s room to incarcerate Ms. Rozier.

China Warns: “US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus”

The Chinese government controlled Global Times mocked America’s battle against the pandemic saying “the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years.”

Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that “I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up a program of targeted virus testing. Individuals selected for testing will either submit or be put under house-arrest.”

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) cited her “bold action to deny Karl Manke’s attempt to evade my order to shut down his barber shop. Using my authority to crush this dissident’s efforts to support himself through nonessential labor proves that I’m not squeamish. I have also declared the circulation of petitions for my recall from office ‘nonessential.’ I think I have shown President Xi Jinping that I can wield the same kind of ruthless application of power that he has.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) pointed out that “I effectively sentenced thousands to death by mandating the cohabitation of infected and uninfected vulnerable elderly in nursing home facilities unequipped to deal with the virus. I could have easily sent the COVID-19 positives to the Navy hospital ship President Trump sent to help take on patients that couldn’t be accommodated in other hospitals in my state, but I didn’t. I think my accomplishment here validates me as the least squeamish governor in America.”

The editor of the Global Times praised these “earnest attempts to follow the Chinese model,” but pointed out “the unavoidable fragmentation imposed by the United States’ inefficient federalist system. As aggressive as these governors have been they’re still short of the kind of total control necessary. There are even signs that citizens egged on by President Trump’s encouragement to ‘liberate’ their states will undo all the progress that they have made toward adopting a truly progressive form of governance.”

Employees Refuse to Return to Work

Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. “The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they’re getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown,” she said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that “this restaurant example vindicates what I’ve been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate a nonessential business. For her employees, though, the stress and expense of dragging themselves to a job are avoided. They have more time to spend with their families and to do things they really enjoy rather than being forced to work just to put food on the table.”

“Our $3 trillion Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions Act (HEROES Act) is a critical step toward making unemployment compensation a permanent source of income for a growing segment of our population—including newcomers,” the Speaker bragged. “We want voters to know that if Democrats can take control of the Senate, House, and presidency in the November elections, this transformation will reshape the way we live.” Her 1800 page bill is expected to pass in the Democrat-dominated House, but fail in the GOP-dominated Senate.

Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn

Attorney General William Barr’s decision to drop the “lying to the FBI” charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished.

Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that “Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison.”

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) suggested that “Flynn’s original guilty plea should stand. Just because the Mueller team had no evidence doesn’t change the fact that Flynn originally folded to their bluff that they would go after his son. Once you fold, it doesn’t matter that you folded to a ‘nothing hand.’ He had his chance to call their bluff, but didn’t. For losing his nerve he deserves to lose the case and go to jail.”

Former Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that “Flynn should be found guilty of treason. Twenty-eight members of the Obama Administration demanded that Flynn be unmasked. This alone is pretty persuasive evidence that he is a bad dude. I mean, if 28 of the nation’s finest leaders were all suspicious of the guy there has to be smoke where there’s a fire like that. We can’t afford to let him skate on the technically that the FBI and Mueller were unable to find evidence of his guilt. If we do, we risk millions more dying.”

In related news, in an appearance on Snapchat’s “Good Luck America” daily political show, Biden laughed off host Peter Hamby’s question about how he will fight back against the “Dementia Joe” meme that is trending on social media, calling it “ridiculous. As you can see from my grin, my teeth are in great shape.”

Clapper Says “Spying on Americans Is Routine”

Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting “Trump wasn’t singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI.”

“We live in a dangerous world,” Clapper reminded. “Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail, and any other means of gathering the intelligence needed to keep us safe must be employed.”

“President Obama explicitly asked that we keep an eye on Donald Trump,” Clapper added. “Here was a guy that had no political pedigree trying to seize power from the men who have invested their careers in public service. His sudden change of career from the private sector to running for president was highly suspicious. His success at it was alarming. We had to do whatever we could to neutralize this threat. The blatant exposure of our covert actions against Trump by current DNI acting-director Richard Grenell is an unprecedented invasion of the privacy that is essential for the intelligence community to be able to do its job.”

In related news, Clapper said “I won’t be able to honor Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham’s request that I testify under oath in front of his committee. There’s nothing in it for me. When I testify on CNN they provide me with talking points and a paycheck. Unless Lindsey can match that I’m going to have to refuse to testify for him. My excuse will be that until there is a vaccine for COVID-19 it would be too risky for a man my age to leave home. He can watch what I say on CNN and sort through that for evidence.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Gov Vetoes Telemedicine Bill

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) vetoed a bill that would have expanded patients’ access to telemedicine services during the coronavirus lockdown because “it didn’t include at home abortions.” In his veto message Wolf explained that “Planned Parenthood spent $1.5 million to help me win reelection. I would be a terrible ingrate if I failed to protect their interests.”

Critics pointed out that the veto will prevent a wide array of patients with serious health concerns from consulting with a doctor. Wolf expressed his sympathy, but asserted that “securing the equal treatment of all medical issues has to take precedence over discrimination against one procedure. The need of some women to end the lives of their unwanted children is just as valid as any other health concern. If these don’t-want-to-be mothers can’t be served, then no one can be served. If some must be deprived then all must be deprived.”

Susan B. Anthony List President Marjorie Dannenfelser questioned Wolf’s reasoning, pointing out that “abortion-inducing drugs pose a serious risk of potentially life-threatening complications. Research shows as many as five to seven percent of women who undergo chemical abortions will require follow-up surgery. Aside from the moral issue of killing babies, it seems clear that for the sake of the woman, even drug-induced abortions ought to be performed in a facility equipped to respond to the potentially deadly complications that may occur.”

Trump Accused of “Attempted Murder”

President Rump’s offer to provide his anticipated Democratic opponent for president with “the same kind of rapid COVID-19 testing system that I have so he can get out of quarantine and back on the campaign trail” was denounced by former Vice-President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Greg Schultz as “attempted murder.”

“Trump knows that Joe is a member of the aged and decrepit cohort of the population that is most vulnerable to the virus,” Schultz charged. “These tests don’t provide any protection from infection for the person being tested. They only assure that the person is not likely to infect others. The risk of Joe being infected by others while he is campaigning would still be present.”

“Trump may be willing to take such risks in his campaign to deceive people into voting for him, but Joe is not,” Schultz asserted. “He will continue to set an example that he hopes every American will emulate by remaining in quarantine until there is a vaccine. We are confident that this heroic decision will show voters the kind of leadership Joe will exercise once he is elected the nation’s next president.”

Case Against Flynn Dropped

Disclosure of previously withheld FBI documents reveal that rather than pursuing an honest investigation of former National Security Adviser General Michael Flynn, the FBI plotted to entrap him. This prompted Attorney General William Barr to order that the case against him be dropped.

“When we look at the evidence it is clear that there is no underlying crime,” Barr observed. “As in-coming NSA, Flynn was acting within the scope of his duties to converse with the Russian Ambassador. The FBI’s transcript of its illegal wire tap of Flynn showed no illicit content. Yet, the FBI proceeded to entrap him by comparing his later recollections of those conversations to their tapes, noting differences, and alleging he lied to the FBI. To this, the Mueller investigators added extortion by threatening to concoct charges against Flynn’s son unless he pled guilty. It’s time the unjust persecution of this man is stopped.”

House Judiciary Committee chairman Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) decried Barr’s decision. “A lot of people worked long and hard to get Flynn to plead guilty,” he pointed out. “Dismissing the case at this late date makes it all seem a waste. In my mind, once a person pleads guilty the case is over and the punishment phase needs to begin. Reversing this process on the grounds that it was not a proper investigation is unconscionable. Lots of investigations are imperfect. Does that mean we have to let guys off because of these imperfections?”

House Intelligence Committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) echoed Nadler’s frustration, “trickery and intimidation are standard tools for ferreting out the guilty and ensuring their punishment. I shudder to think of the precedent Barr is setting. People that law enforcement know to be bad actors will go free to continue their depredations against society if our hands are tied by excessively fastidious demands for hard evidence before we can prosecute. Evil men like Trump will be unconstrained and our democracy will suffer.”

Former FBI Director James Comey, instigator of the effort to frame Flynn, lamented that “the DOJ has lost its way. Entrapment is a long-standing and vital tool for law enforcement. At the very least, the ease with which we were able lure Flynn into making inconsistent statements and pressure him to plead guilty showed he was too weak to serve in government. Regardless of whether he was or wasn’t an actual criminal, per se, we still saved the nation from suffering from his incompetence as NSA director.”

NY Gov Declares 90-Day Rent “Holiday”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) issued an executive decree absolving all tenants from having to pay rent until August 20. “Since it was my previous decree barring all nonessential businesses from operating during the pandemic that ended the employment of millions of workers, it is only fair that I also decree that no one be required to pay rent until I deem it appropriate to allow these businesses to reopen,” he said.

The governor acknowledged that “this may seem unfair to landlords who will lose their incomes during the rent holiday. But as former President Jimmy Carter said, ‘life is unfair.’ Considering state laws levying the highest property taxes in the nation and various local rent-control ordinances, I’m really amazed that anyone invests in rental properties. If my 90-day suspension of rents negatively affects this segment of the economy that crisis will present yet another opportunity to transform society. Maybe down the road all property will be owned by the government and rent can be supplanted by a better system for determining who lives where.”

In related news, Cuomo is demanding that health workers who came to help out his state at the peak of the pandemic be taxed. “I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the help these doctors and nurses provided,” he pointed out. “All I’m saying is that anyone who earns a dollar of income while in my state must be taxed. If I let these people go untaxed a bad precedent will be set for the next crisis that comes along. To stay consistent with our values of having the highest taxes of any state we can’t afford to make any exceptions.”

Campus Due Process Rule Denounced

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ effort to ensure due process in cases alleging sexual assault on university campuses sparked immediate criticism from presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden. The secretary’s action seeks to both strengthen Title IX protections for survivors of sexual misconduct and to restore due process in campus proceedings.

“We want to have a system where students can have confidence that justice will prevail,” DeVos said. “This includes justice for victims and for those wrongfully accused. For a long time, many universities discouraged women from coming forward to lodge complaints. In more recent years, many universities have implemented Kafkaesque procedures denying the accused a right to defend themselves. This initiative is intended to correct both these problems.”

Biden called DeVos’ action “wrong. I will reverse this once I’m president. Throughout my career I have always been on the side of women—massaging their shoulders, nuzzling their necks, and groping for a way to show them that I care, that I am on their side. The men who prey on women will find out that I’m not afraid to crack down on predators. In my opinion, the summary expulsions doled out by universities are too good for these offenders. We need to add prison time and maybe castration if we are to stem the epidemic of sex crimes on campus. As president, I will be the man who finally makes this happen.”

Plan to Wind Down Task Force Sparks Criticism

President Trump’s suggestion that we need to pivot from battling with COVID-19 to resurrecting the economy has been met with criticisms from Democrats. “We’ve done a pretty good job flattening the curve,” Trump said. “We met all the states’ requests for equipment to ensure that our hospitals wouldn’t be overwhelmed. We even built some new hospitals in the New York City hot spot. We’re well on our way to winning on this front. Now, I think we need to get to work on rescuing the people flattened by the temporary economic shutdown. People who have been blocked from earning an income need to have their right to live restored.”

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) called Trump’s suggestion “unthinkable. Over the last two-months we’ve seen a level of civic obedience that I didn’t think would ever be possible in this country. By declaring a state of emergency, governors across the nation have been able to rule without the encumbrance of having to have new laws enacted by legislatures. This was greatly aided by the fear of sickness and death. The Coronavirus Task Force has been an integral part of this transformation of our government. Rather than winding down it needs to become a permanent feature going forward.”

Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton shared Hoyer’s perspective. “Disbanding the Task Force means that the freedom fanatics win,” she warned. “The almost uniform compliance with directives that these fanatics claim violate their constitutional rights has been unprecedented. Even if the pandemic is basically whipped, this is something we need to build on, not throw away. In my view, this task force can serve as a model for future governance. We should have similar task forces established to make rules for the economy, the environment, and social justice. The geriatric Congress can continue to shelter at home and offer advice from a position of safety to these new ruling bodies.”

Gov Orders Gardens Torn Out

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) ordered state police to “investigate and exterminate unauthorized gardens” that have popped up in the increasingly warm spring weather in her state.

“Look, I outlawed the purchase of seeds as part of my stay-at-home directive,” she explained. “The appearance of well-tended gardens raises suspicion that the homeowner has either illegally bought seeds, gone outside for nonessential activity, or both. If we allow some individuals to flout the law like this people will tend to lose confidence in my governance.”

“I have instructed law enforcement to act on either on their own initiative or in response to a tip from a citizen snitch to approach suspected violators and interrogate them,” Whitmer said. “If those residing in homes with a garden cannot persuade the investigating officer that they had nothing to do with the flowers or vegetables growing in their yards they will be given seven days to tear out the illegal garden or face a fine of $1,000 or 30 days in jail.”

Meanwhile in Kansas City, Mayor Quinton Lucas ordered that churches in the jurisdiction “turn over the names and addresses of anyone attending services. Worshipping a nonexistent deity is the very definition of a nonessential activity. Violators must not be allowed to cloak their illegal activity behind a claim of constitution privilege. During this emergency it is my responsibility to protect everyone from being endangered by the irresponsible behavior of others. I will not be deterred by fanatics waving an out-dated piece of paper at me.”

Senators Concoct Plan to Worsen Economy

In the realization that the fear of the coronavirus that is keeping people from resuming normal life won’t last forever, Sens. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) and Ed Markey (D-Mass) are cosponsoring legislation that will pay everyone in America until the virus’ impact on the economy subsides. Their bill is called the Monthly Economic Crisis Support Act and would provide a monthly $2,000 check to single individuals, $4,000 to married couples, and $2,000 for each child (up to a maximum of three per family). To be eligible, your income needs to be less than $120,000 per year.

“The hope is to keep everyone sheltering in place until after the election,” Harris said. “As we have seen in California, people are leaving home to go to the beach. There are also protests against the lock down at the State Capitol in Sacramento. Obviously, the fear of the virus is waning. Offering cash to stay at home is our only feasible option if we are to have any chance to thwart Trump’s drive to bring back the prosperity he hopes will secure his reelection. Even if we can’t get our bill past McConnell, we’ll still be on record as supporting a guaranteed income. This will let those who prefer leisure over work to know who to vote for come November.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Gov Announces Release of High-Risk Sex Offenders

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Irked that Californians are starting to flout his demand that they stay at home, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) announced the release of seven prisoners into the Orange County area. Orange County District Attorney Toff Spitzer objected to the action saying “these kinds of high-risk sex offenders are the most dangerous kind of criminal and the most likely to re-offend.”

“That’s precisely the reason why these inmates were selected for release,” Newsom said. “Look, fear of COVID has diminished to the point that thousands of people in Orange County have defied my ban on going to the beach. Let’s see if fear of being assaulted or raped by one of these newly released sexual predators will be so easily ignored by beach-goers.”

Spitzer called the Governor’s view “insane. Protecting law-abiding people from being harmed by criminals is the fundamental duty of government.”

Newsom countered by asserting “well, these are crazy times we live in. The unprecedented threat posed by the virus has forced us to go outside the fundamental bounds of government and pioneer a new social order. Who’s to say that injecting a social pathogen into the community isn’t the right remedy? Besides, it’s only temporary. I’m pretty confident that all of these released prisoners will be rearrested within a few weeks. I’m hoping that by then the need for terror will have subsided.”

Obama Violates “Stay-at-Home” Order

Former President Barack Obama violated Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order by sneaking out to play golf. He also embarrassed his wife whose broadcast message urged folks to “remember, we urge you to stay home except if you need essential health care, essential food or supplies, or to go to your essential job.”

Barack defended his golf outing contending “it was essential health care. Michelle’s great and I love her, but being cooped up at home day after day is very stressful. Besides, what activity could be more socially distancing than golf. I can’t understand why Gov. Northam banned it. In any case, as one who has served his country at the highest level, I think I deserve a few perks to help me through these extraordinary times. If my Secret Service detachment didn’t agree, I’m sure they wouldn’t have let me out of the house, much less accompany me for the full 18 holes.”

Northam announced that “I have already issued a pardon for President Obama. A hero of his stature must not be held to the same standards as the frightened cowards who are meekly obeying my dictates.”

FBI Documents Exonerate Flynn

Previously withheld FBI documents related to the Agency’s case against Gen. Michael Flynn were uncovered this week. On the one hand, exculpatory evidence that had been denied to Flynn’s attorneys was revealed. On the other hand, an illegal plot designed to entrap the General was documented.

James Comey, FBI Director at the time these illegal actions were taken, maintains that “these were standard procedures. When the Agency has an opportunity to take down a bad guy, every option to accomplish the job is in play. We brainstormed a few ideas, got the okay on a course of action from President Obama, and proceeded to carry it out. We got within inches from the goal line—we pressured Flynn into entering a guilty plea and would have had him behind bars—but the late substitution of Sidney Powell for his original defense team stopped us short. Still, I believe it was a worthy effort in a good cause.”

Meanwhile, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper reiterated his “just following orders defense” by reminding everyone that “we were only doing what President Obama told us to do. We had no choice. He was the Commander-in-Chief. We had a legal obligation to obey.”

Biden Denies Sexual Assault Allegation

This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden went on MSNBC to answer questions about Tara Reade’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her in 1993 when she worked for him in his senate office.

Biden insisted that “it never happened. I think I have a good feel for where the boundaries are when it comes to touching women. I know I have been filmed sniffing, stroking, and nuzzling women and girls thousands of times, but I can say unequivocally, that I’ve never been filmed groping, fondling, or raping any of them. I’d say that the weight of this evidence proves I’m not guilty.”

The presidential candidate rejected the idea that he make his personal Senate papers archived at the University of Delaware available to be searched, saying “my staff has already searched these papers and assures me that no meaningful documents can be found there.” Instead, he maintained that “the National Archives is where the records of all the crimes committed by every government official are deposited. If anything is to be found, it will be there.”

John Valceanu, director of communications for the archives, said he is “confident that no such documents are in our possession. All complaints lodged against senators are kept by the Senate.” Secretary of the Senate Julie Adams declined to confirm or deny Valceanu’s claim, insisting “we have paid good money to keep accusations private. Unless there is a court order, any information we have will remain private.”

In related news, former Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) has been fingered by Biden to head up the search for his vice-presidential running mate. “Chris has the kind of experience that will be critical in selecting the woman who will best fit the role I have in mind for my vice-president,” Biden said. It wasn’t clear whether Biden was referring to the 1985 incident at the Washington, D.C. restaurant, La Brassiere where Dodd was the bottom slice of the “waitress sandwich” he and Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) formed with a restaurant employee.

Clinton Plan to Boost Employment Partially Leaked

Citing the “unprecedented opportunity presented by the COVID crisis,” the Clinton Foundation is working on a plan to employ the 30 million who have lost their jobs due to the shutdown as government spies. Participants in developing this plan include former President Bill Clinton (retired sexual predator), Governor Andrew Cuomo (nursing home murderer), Chelsea Clinton (beneficiary of nepotism), and Governor Gavin Newsom (Chinese dupe).

“Obviously, we can’t sustain an economy where tens of millions are permanently unemployed,” Cuomo said. “But we can’t go back to the way it was before the COVID pandemic. In New York City Mayor de Blasio has already started paying $57,000 a year to hire spies. It seems to me that there might be a large pool of individuals ready and willing to do this on a long term basis. I think if we could expand this to a nationwide program we could sop up employees who’ve been discharged from nonessential businesses and fulfill the continuing need for surveillance to enforce the new normal.”

“I can confirm Andy’s perspective,” Newsom added. “Snitches have been very effective in my state. If even a single individual sets foot in a closed area like a beach or hiking trail, informers will alert the police and an arrest can be made. The fines imposed on violators will be used to help make up for revenue shortfalls due to all the closed businesses.”

“So you’re saying that all the jobs lost in the nonessential sector can be offset by creating these new jobs spying on neighbors?” Bill asked. “That doesn’t seem possible.”

“I don’t think we’re saying that domestic spies will be the only newly created jobs,” Cuomo answered. “There’ll have to be records clerks, supervisors, regional managers, etc. And since we’re creating a permanent class of new crimes we’ll need that infrastructure to be built and manned—police, judges, prison guards, wardens. We’ll probably also have to invest more in a media campaign to ensure that the hysteria level is maintained. This will create even more new jobs.”

Movie Pans Green Energy

Filmmaker and Bernie Sanders supporter Michael Moore’s new movie “Planet of the Humans” characterizes so-called green energy as just another crony capitalist scam. “We went into this project hoping to prove the superiority of green energy,” Moore said. “We found out otherwise.”

“Consider, the solar panels needed to generate electricity are made with metallurgical coal and require 16 times more materials in the form of cement, glass, and steel than do nuclear plants, and create 300 times more waste,” Moore observed. “Then there are the renewable bio-fuels that are produced using tractors that run on diesel, use water pumped by electricity, most often from fossil fuel power plants, and are delivered to distilleries powered by electricity with trucks fueled by diesel. The crops used to make bio-fuels use millions of gallons of water annually and require 400 to 750 times more land to produce the fuel than an equivalent amount of petroleum. The bottom line is: green energy can’t prevent climate change, and those saying it can are profiting handsomely from government green energy subsidies and mandates.”

Climate change guru Al Gore called the film “short-sighted. The issue isn’t whether green energy is more or less polluting than fossil fuels. The crucial objective is to transform society, dethrone the fossil fuel corporate barons, and put a new more socially acceptable elite in charge. The hundreds of millions of dollars I personally have reaped along the way are irrelevant. Moore’s film has seriously undermined the attainment of this objective. I urge all who believe in me to shun this movie and its maker.”

Biden Reveals His Coronavirus Plan

After weeks of negative comments on how President Trump is handling the coronavirus crisis, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden has finally said what he would have done if he had been in office when the pandemic arose.

“In addition to doing everything Trump has done, only faster and harder, I would have lowered the flag to half mast in honor of all those who died,” Biden boasted. “I would have banned travel from China before anyone in the US got the virus. Then I would have immediately canceled all mass gatherings at sporting events, churches, concerts, and anywhere else. Unlike Trump, I would have stopped all nonessential activities and ordered everyone to shelter at home rather than leaving it up to governors to do this dirty work. Most importantly, I would have reunified the nation like President Johnson did after the Civil War.”

Biden’s plan got an “across the aisle” endorsement from Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah). “I was greatly encouraged to see that the former Vice-President and I are on the same page regarding the proper COVID response plan. I guess great minds really do think alike.”

Michigan Gov Shuts Down Improvised Drive-in Theater

Canterbury Village’s plans to set up an improvised drive-in movie theater with 20′ by 20′ spaces for each car and the audio broadcast over a local FM radio station were halted by megalomaniac Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D).

Whitmer explained that “the legislature granted me absolute power to handle the COVID crisis as I see fit. One of the things that I have shutdown across the state is movie theaters. Just because the folks at Canterbury Village were able to ensure the required minimum social distancing at their improvised outdoor theater doesn’t mean they get a pass from me. In my view, a few cannot be permitted to evade the suffering imposed on the many just because they are more inventive or clever. As long as I am in charge, until all can see movies, none shall see movies.”

The Governor neglected to mention that the power granted to her by the legislature expired at midnight on April 30. She claims that “once given the power it is mine until I decide to relinquish it. Polls show that 70% of the voters favor my strict controls over them. Given this level of popular support the legislature is powerless against me. I am seen as the only one who is capable of safeguarding the health of every person in the state. For this to work I must have immediate and unquestioning obedience from every resident to every order I issue for as long this virus is with us.”

Docs Say Hydroxychloroquine 91 Percent Successful

A solid refutation of the media meme contending that President Trump is an idiot for suggesting that a malaria drug could be a “game changer” in the battle against the coronavirus was delivered by a report from the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS) showing that 91% of 2,333 patients treated with hydroxychloroquine benefited from the drug.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, funder of the Wuhan lab experimenting with the coronavirus, and the chief medical adviser to the White House Coronavirus Task Force, downplayed these findings saying that “in my mind this was not a valid test of the therapy. We need to have a test where half of the patients are given this drug and half are given a placebo before I could recommend a widespread reliance on this therapy. If we do this and most of those in the placebo group die, then we will have proof that the therapy is safe and effective compared to no treatment. That’s the scientific ‘gold standard’ comparison that the FDA demands before it will approve a drug for a specific illness.”

AAPS president Dr. Albert Fisher rejected Fauci’s view calling it “a deadly error in the face of a pandemic. Doctors who treat patients must put their patients’ interest ahead of any other concern. The objective is to save the life and restore the health of every patient by using whatever methods seem best. The experience in the field that Dr. Fauci casually dismisses as ‘anecdotal’ shows which therapies are working and which are not. Doctors should quickly adopt what is working. Demanding that lives be intentionally endangered as Dr. Fauci recommends just to satisfy an FDA bureaucratic ‘gold standard’ is medical malpractice.”

After being apprised of the AAPS study, President Trump tweeted “maybe I picked to the wrong guy to advise the task force.”

House Will Not Return to DC

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has decided “against returning to Washington for the foreseeable future. With so many of our members being in the decrepit geezers cohort of the population, it’s just too dangerous. We’re going to follow Dr. Fauci’s advice and shelter at home until a COVID vaccine is developed.”

The Speaker hastened to reassure concerned citizens “not to worry about us. We’ll be okay. As essential government workers our full salaries continue to be paid. So even the poorest among us will be able to survive for the duration. On top of this, we’ll be saving taxpayers the cost of paying for our travel back-and-forth from our districts to the capital.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.