By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A new Rasmussen poll shows a plurality of voters (49 percent) are ready to elect former Vice-President Joe Biden “to scale back the violence that is tearing our cities apart.”

A poll respondent from New York City explained that “paying for protection is the best option we have. Sure, it’s extortion, but what choice do we have? The reality is that it is better to pay off those controlling the mobs who stand ready to destroy everything a bigger slice of our hard-earned money than to see them wreck everything like they have been doing the past month.”

A respondent from Minneapolis gave a similar answer, saying “with the police being abolished we have nowhere to turn for protection against these thugs. It is better to live as serfs under the thumb of criminals than to be killed by them. If we vote Biden in we’re hoping that as head ‘capo’ he can rein-in the destruction by establishing a reasonable wealth redistribution scheme.”

House Blocks Resolution Condemning Riots

A resolution sponsored by Rep. Greg Steube (R-Fla) “calling for justice for George Floyd and others, and condemning violence and rioting” failed to attract a single Democratic vote in support.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pointed out that “law and order is the Republican knee-jerk response to the exuberant and robust protests on behalf of racial justice that have been taking place. The value of the property stolen, damaged or destroyed pales in comparison to the centuries of injustice that have stained America from the very beginning of time. The Democratic Party will not permit these lesser crimes from being denigrated as the Republicans would have us do. Sometimes protests are violent. That doesn’t mean they are illegitimate.”

Biden Vows to Mandate COVID Safety Measures

Alarmed by the 120 million COVID-19 fatalities since the beginning of the pandemic, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden promised “I will use the unconstrained powers of the presidency to ensure maximum protection for everyone who is still alive after I am elected. I only hope I am not too late.”

Among the protective equipment Biden says he intends to distribute are face masks and hazmat suits. “This equipment combined with a nationwide lockdown barring all nonessential activity will give our people the best chance of surviving the virus,” he said. “There will be no need for anyone to venture out and take unnecessary risks. The government will deliver food and medicine for however long it takes for an effective vaccine to emerge.”

“Over the longer term, I will implement measures to help repopulate the country,” Biden added. “These will include open borders, birthing bonuses, and total economic support for every woman who is willing to be a full time parent. This will include food, housing, clothing, and recreation.”

“The one thing I fear most is that there might not be any people left come November,” Biden admitted. “With 120 million killed over the last three months and the COVID infection rate accelerating to new peaks every day the survival of a sufficient breeding contingent seems very iffy. We may need our military to depose Trump before November if we hope to avoid such a dismal future.”

Speaking of health, the Biden Cancer Initiative spends nearly 80% of the donations it receives on salaries conferences, conventions, and meetings. The benchmark for a well-run charity is for these expenses to consume 25% or less of donations. Joe Biden rebuffed the contention that there is anything wrong with his charity by pointing out that “a lot of good people got good jobs working for the Cancer Initiative” and “the Clinton Foundation has a similar breakdown for its expenditures.”

Nearly 20 Percent of New Jersey Mail-in Ballots Fraudulent

In a preview of what may transpire with a wider expansion of vote-by-mail this November, almost 20% of the mailed-in ballots in the Paterson, New Jersey municipal election of May 12 were declared fraudulent. Of the more than 3,000 ballots disqualified, 800 were bundled together and 2,300 had non-matching signatures. Paterson City Councilman Michael Jackson, Councilman-Elect Alex Mendez, Shelim Khalique, and Abu Razyen were charged with vote-fraud by Attorney General Gurbir Grewal.

Jackson called the charges “a big misunderstanding. With so many voters shut-in because of the pandemic we took the initiative to go to their homes and carry their ballots to the mail box. In some cases, these voters asked me to fill in the ballots for them since they were feeling weak from the virus. If I had rejected these requests these voters would have been disenfranchised.”

As for signatures not matching, Jackson asserted that “persons rendered non compos ments by the virus shouldn’t have their votes disqualified just because their signatures didn’t match those on the voter rolls or were illegible. It’s possible that other family members or household residents may have assisted in the casting of these ballots for those who were not conscious or coherent enough to do it themselves. Disqualifying these ballots is voter suppression.”

House Dems Vote to Make DC “Autonomous Zone”

Inspired by “the exhilarating success of the Seattle Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone,” the US House of Representatives, by a vote of 232-180, enacted legislation declaring the District of Columbia “the autonomous Douglass Commonwealth.” The “zone” will consist of two square miles, comprising the Capitol and White House, the National Mall and other major federal buildings.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) boasted that “in addition to adding two more Democratic senators and one representative to Congress, the new zone, like the one in Seattle, will have complete authority over who is and isn’t let inside. We expect the new emperor of the zone, current DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D), will have no problem admitting Democrats to freely enter and exit the zone. However, given the unrepentant racism of Republicans, she may decide to deny admission or incarcerate them after they cross the border.”

While DC may have been the first, Hoyer says that “our Party is looking at many other cities that deserve a similar recognition of their importance in the ‘new normal’ we are trying to establish. New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles immediately come to mind. Each of these cities has a larger population than most of the states. Each deserves a larger say in government policy and a right to decide who may be allowed to enter and what rights or obligations these immigrants or visitors have.”

LeBron Demands NFL Pay Reparations to Kaepernick

Racial justice expert and National Basketball Association star LeBron James says “the National Football League owes former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick an apology and reparations for their suppression of his career. He was on his way to greatness, but was denied the opportunity to achieve it for political reasons.”

Kaepernick had some success in the league and led his team to the 2013 Super Bowl where they lost to the Baltimore Ravens 34-31. The following season, the team finished the regular season 12-4, but lost in the Conference championship game. After these two stellar seasons, Kaepernick signed a six-year, $126 million contract extension with the 49ers. Things went down hill from there for the team and Kaepernick. By the 2016 season Kaepernick posted a 1-10 record as a starter, however, he did sit or kneel when the National Anthem was played prior to all the games. Kaepernick never played another game in any league, not even the XFL where he felt that his skills merited being paid 80 times the amount the league normally paid its quarterbacks.

James blamed discrimination for the downfall of “one of the most talented and heroic athletes in world history. At the very least the NFL should be awarding him back pay for all the years he went unsigned. On top of this, I think they should create a special life-time achieve award to acknowledge the Super Bowls and Most Valuable Player awards he would’ve won if he hadn’t been snubbed the past four years.”

Police-Free Neighborhood Tested

A progressive Minneapolis neighborhood that has decided to go without police is discovering a “new normal.” The area around Powderhorn Park has seen the neighborhood inundated with a 300-person homeless encampment. Traffic, drug use, and prostitution have become common.

Resident, Mitchell Erickson was assailed by two youths, one armed with a pistol, who tried to rob him. They wanted to steal his car, but he mistakenly gave them his house keys. While they were unsuccessfully trying to start his car, he called 911. He has since apologized “for endangering these boys. Luckily, they were able to steal someone else’s car before police arrived. I was so relieved. But I still feel guilty I wasn’t able to atone for my white privilege by letting them take my car.”

Nearby, Carrie Nightshade apologetically admitted that she won’t let her children play in the park because “it’s too dangerous. I don’t want to seem judgmental. Each person has a right to pursue happiness in his own way even if it does frighten others. If we’re going to learn to live without police we’re going to have to protect ourselves by staying inside and only going out when its absolutely necessary.”

In contrast black Minneapolis resident Leslie Taha rejected the notion that Black Lives Matter agitators have the best interests of blacks in mind. “The murder of George Floyd was horrific, but it does not represent the greatest threat to black lives,” he said. “Nearly 90% of the African-Americans who are murdered each year are killed by other African-Americans. That’s the greater threat we need to deal with and we need the police to to help with that.”

Meanwhile in Madison Wisconsin, State Senator Tim Carpenter (D-Milwaukee) was attacked and severely beaten by a mob engaged in toppling the statue of Hans Christian Heg—a Union soldier who died fighting against slavery during the Civil War—while he was taking photographs of their “peaceful demonstration.” Carpenter was mystified. “It’s not as if I were a Republican. I tried to tell them that numerous times while I was being punched and kicked. Their response ‘you’re white’ didn’t seem enough of a reason to me.” Gov. Tony Evers (D) agreed, “Carpenter has the proper views. There is no justification for him to be attacked.”

Nadler Calls for End to Durham Probe

Newly released documents written by Peter Strzok in 2017 proving that former President Barack Obama was active in the scheme to undermine the Trump Administration prompted House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jerrod Nadler (D-NY) to demand an end to the coup investigation being conducted by U.S. Attorney John Durham.

“James Comey, John Brennan, James Clapper, Peter Strzok, and all the rest were working at the explicit direction of President Obama,” Nadler said. “Whatever so-called crimes they may have committed under orders from the President were fully authorized. President Obama is immune because as President Nixon pointed out, under the Constitution if the president does something it is not illegal. So, by extension any federal government employee carrying out the president’s orders must also be immune.”

“Instead of wasting the efforts of these patriotic and loyal employees, it is incumbent upon us to see through President Obama’s plan to save the country from what Trump’s own niece calls ‘the most dangerous man in the world’ and who Professor Noam Chomsky dubbed the ‘worst criminal in human history’ by impeaching him a second time,” Nadler maintained. “The lies and abuses of power employed by these patriots are trivial infringements compared to the existential threat to humanity posed by President Trump.”

Pelosi Says Trump Responsible for “George Kirby’s” Murder

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) laid the blame for George Floyd’s murder squarely on President Trump. She rejected the contention that since Minneapolis and Minnesota have been governed by Democrats for many decades they might be the ones responsible, calling this “state’s rights nonsense.”

“Limited government is not an idea supported by the Democratic Party,” Pelosi said. “In our view, it is the right and obligation for the president to step in and overrule any action or policy undertaken by any subordinate level of government. President Trump’s failure to anticipate the cruel and unjust actions of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin cannot be used as an excuse to absolve him of responsibility for the consequences.”

The Speaker contrasted Trump’s inaction with “the more aggressive stances taken by previous presidents. It was President George H.W. Bush who sent FBI agents to kill Randy Weaver’s wife and son at Ruby Ridge in Idaho in 1992. It was President Bill Clinton who sent the FBI to kill the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas in 1993. These Chief Executives weren’t deterred by respect for local authority. Neither will President Joe Biden be deterred. In fact, if Biden had been president instead of Trump an FBI sniper would’ve taken out Chauvin the moment he sat on George Kirby’s neck. In November, voters will have the opportunity to replace the ‘do nothing’ Trump with a ‘no holds barred’ Biden. I think we all know how they will respond.”

Kerry Sees Revolution If Trump Wins

Former Secretary of State John Kerry predicted “there will be revolution if Trump wins in November.”

“Considering how hated this man is, the only way he could win would be by suppressing the vote,” Kerry asserted. “Trump’s demands that the ballot be restricted to only those registered to vote excludes millions of people from having a say in who rules over them. Voting is a human right that shouldn’t be limited to only those who meet age, citizenship, residency requirements and fill out some unnecessary paperwork. Ballots should be mailed to every address and handed out to whoever shows up at the polls. People who feel strongly about the candidates should be allowed to vote as often as they can.”

Kerry contends that all losing Democrats—Gore, Hillary Clinton, and himself—were cheated by GOP vote suppression. “We were all too timid to stand up for our right to be president,” he insisted. “But as we can see from what’s been happening in the streets the last few weeks, the younger generation isn’t too shy to strike back against injustice. I’m confident that if Trump is declared the winner they will oust him from office by whatever means are necessary.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) vowed he would not permit President Trump to hold any campaign rallies in New York because “it’s politically motivated. The whole purpose of these rallies is to win an election. In my opinion, that’s not a sufficient reason for people to risk getting the COVID infection. Unlike Trump, I care about the lives of his supporters. So, for their sake, I won’t allow any Trump rallies in my state.”

The Governor contrasted “Trump’s irresponsible approach to the campaign with Vice-President Biden’s more considerate and safer campaign strategy. The Vice-President is modeling exemplary behavior by sheltering at home and issuing brief messages via Zoom. These messages have inspired a legion of foot-soldiers who are carrying that message to key locations around America. Racist statues are being torn down, racist businesses are being looted, and racist structures are being destroyed—all without unnecessarily spreading the virus. As all the polls are showing, voters will see and compare these contrasting campaign strategies and cast their ballots for Democrats in November.”

Cuomo went on to pooh-pooh “Trump’s crazy idea that we have to open up the economy. The three months of lockdown in my state showed that we can survive economically without wasting resources on nonessential businesses. Having only the 80% of essential workers providing for the needs of all expands the leisure hours available to 20% of the population. Our most important task now is to improve the sources of amusement and entertainment available for this newly liberated cohort. I believe that a more consistent and widespread obedience of the shelter-at-home orders will allow us to transfer resources from law-enforcement to more fully subsidize video entertainment and usher in a previously unattainable Edenic lifestyle.”

In related news, Cuomo castigated public radio’s WAMC host Alan Chartock for asking whether he would’ve done anything differently seeing how his decision to send COVID-infected patients into nursing homes, saying “Alan, you are parroting Republican propaganda. What’s done is done. Some people died. I can’t change that at this point. I wasn’t the only governor who made a mistake. All we Democrats can do is try to focus the blame on Trump. It would be nice if you were on-board with that rather than falling for GOP disinformation.”

Hundreds of Mail-in Ballot Forms Returned

Knowing that Michigan voter rolls include many ineligible names, State Sen. Ruth Johnson’s (R-Holly) request for evidence of mail-in ballot applications sent to dead, non-resident, non-citizen, or underage “voters” by Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D) received hundreds of replies. One from Eric Johnson said he received an application addressed to a former occupant of the home he now lives in who has been dead more than 20 years.

Benson contends that “the return of hundreds of misdirected applications debunks Republican complaints that fraud is a serious threat to our state’s election integrity. Very few elections are decided by margins in the hundreds. This proves that chances that the wrong candidates will be declared winners are exceedingly slim.”

Johnson argued that “Benson’s ‘no harm’ theory is not supported by this evidence. First, not everyone who received applications for persons no longer living at the address, under age, or not eligible would take the effort to respond to my request. Second, people intending to cheat are apt to send in the extra applications and cast the bogus extra ballots.”

Even worse, Benson’s suggestion that application recipients could send a photo of the application attached to an email to their city clerk has further muddled the process. Westland City Clerk and former Democrat state Rep. Richard LeBlanc complained that “some are sideways, some have no barcode showing, most are legible, but all of them are taking an incredible amount of time to print and respond. On top of this, due to the risk of computer malware infection, emails with only an attachment and no message in the text section are not opened.”

Apprised of LeBlanc’s remarks, Benson suggested “we may have to send out a second wave of applications if we are to ensure maximum voter participation.”

Meanwhile, former U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that “attitudes like those of Rep. Johnson are typical Republican efforts to try to suppress turnout. If people can’t change the country via ballots we can’t blame them if they choose bullets. The Founding Fathers did that and we shouldn’t begrudge Antifa and Black Lives Matter for following their example.”

Clinton Says Pandemic Is Trump’s Fault

Twice unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told Sky News’ Kay Burley that “the coronavirus crisis was totally Trump’s fault. If I had been elected there would not have been a pandemic.”

“One of the key differences between Trump and me in 2016 was our differing attitudes toward China,” she explained. “Trump was very unfriendly toward China. He harped on their theft of intellectual property and unfair trade practices. The hostility this engendered motivated the Chinese government’s decision to launch the coronavirus into the United States.”

“In contrast, Bill and I have built a long-term bond with the Chinese government,” she pointed out. “We gave them favorable trade terms—both during Bill’s presidency and my tenure as Secretary of State. They donated millions to the Clinton Foundation. It is inconceivable to me that they would have initiated bio-warfare in 2020 if I were president. It would’ve harmed my reelection chances and risked bringing an unfriendly Republican into office.”

“The lesson to be learned here is that it doesn’t pay to anger China,” she said. “Voters in America will have an opportunity to avoid repeating their 2016 mistake. Vice-President Joe Biden has worked assiduously to ingratiate himself with the Chinese government. They will see him as a true friend and refrain from further attacks on this country if he is elected in November. I pray that voters will make the right choice.”

Meanwhile, Biden has offered free marital advice, urging men “to marry into a family of 5 or more sisters, that way, if the one you chose doesn’t work out you’ll have at least four others to choose from. The odds are that one of them always loves you. You just have to sniff that one out from the others.”

Whitmer Says “Limiting Government Power Is Irresponsible”

Still in the midst of the most wretched tyranny ever imposed on an American state, attorney Katherine Henry has authored the Restore Freedom Initiative, which would amend the Michigan State Constitution in order to avoid a repeat performance by any of the state’s future governors.

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) called the effort to clarify the separation of powers, foundations and functions of government to enhance government accessibility, transparency and accountability, “irresponsible. In times of crisis there isn’t time to debate. A strong leader needs to take action immediately. Fussing over whether laws are passed by the legislature or decreed by the governor wastes precious time. Quibbling over whether a few people are unnecessarily hurt by the emergency decrees I enacted puts the liberty of the few ahead of the welfare of the many.”

Whitmer said she doubted “whether such a foolish amendment could ever be passed” and vowed that “it will never be recognized as law as long as I am governor.”

Pelosi and Bolton Butt Heads

The upcoming publication of former presidential adviser John Bolton’s 600-page novel detailing his year and a half in the Trump Administration has mightily irked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “This is too little, too late,” she complained. “We gave him the chance to testify in our impeachment inquiry six months ago, but he refused. He could have saved the nation from the continued depredations of President Trump. Instead, he let this tyrant escape justice while he hoarded all the juicy bits for his book.”

In his defense, Bolton lambasted “the Speaker’s myopia. Look, we both have the same objective: get rid of Trump, but we must be practical. Testimony under oath would’ve been subject to cross examination and the laws against perjury. This would have severely constrained what I could have said. On the other hand, in my book I’m free to say whatever I want without fear of contradiction or prosecution. Since there were no recordings of the conversations I recount in the book no one can prove they aren’t true. In the four months between now and November 3 the accusations I make will permeate the news cycle and wreak damage regardless of whether they are true or not. I just wish Speaker Pelosi were smart enough to grasp this point.”

The Speaker scoffed at Bolton’s fear of perjury, calling it “excessively pusillanimous. Comey, Brennan, and Clapper all lied to Congress. None of them were prosecuted for it. However, I am not averse to giving Mr. Bolton a second chance to testify before Congress. As a Christian, I believe in redemption. He can still do the right thing.” Bolton, though, urged her not to do that, saying “if she does I’ll have to take the Fifth.”

Supreme Court Overrules Trump on DACA

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that President Trump cannot undo President Obama’s executive order awarding privileges to individuals illegally brought into this country by their parents. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts explained that “while President Obama had no legal authority to issue the original DACA decree, it can’t be undone without doing immeasurable harm to those who came to rely upon it. It is kind of like ‘squatters’ rights’ where a person illegally takes possession of someone else’s land, but evades detection and eviction for a period of time sufficient to earn a defacto right to keep it.”

“In a perfect world, former President Obama would have followed the law and asked Congress to pass legislation awarding the desired privileges to these illegal residents,” Roberts mused. “However, we don’t live in a perfect world. In our imperfect world, it is this Court’s judgment that the two wrongs of illegal entry and usurpation of the legislature’s power combined make a new right.”

Dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas called the majority decision “mystifying and improper. The purported failure of the Trump Administration to follow administrative law is a ruse. Since President Obama’s original order was unlawful simply canceling it does not require jumping through any bureaucratic hoops.”

Dems Oppose Trump’s “Back-to-Work Bonus” Idea

Some “nonessential” businesses that are trying to reopen are experiencing difficulty in persuading furloughed workers to come back to work. The problem is that the unemployment compensation benefit granted in the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act is more than the wages that many can earn from working. President Trump has proposed to remedy this by converting the unemployment benefit into a bonus for those who go back to work.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Trump’s proposal “a thinly disguised attempt to reinstitute slavery. He is trying to trick people we have liberated from work. As I have said many times before, unemployment benefits are the key to prosperity. By ensuring people a comfortable living without having to endure unwanted toil, these benefits are a blessing. We were poised to enable nearly 20% of the workforce to permanently live off the weekly CARES stipends. Now is not the time for us to turn back. I will not let a bill that makes work a condition for receiving an income become law.”

New Rules in Seattle

Seattle police Chief Carmen Best did her best to explain the nuances of the law-enforcement responsibilities regarding the Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone inside the City. Homes and businesses inside the zone have been unable to call in police to respond to crimes taking place.

This, according to Best, “is all according to plan. Under the direction of the Mayor, our officers are required to stay outside the zone and look to see if any crimes are being committed. Officers are not permitted to intervene unless a crime is deemed likely to result in a fatality. But they must persuade the armed border guards of CHOP to let them in.”

John McDermott, who owns an auto shop just outside of the CHOP zone, reports that “police refused to come and arrest a guy who stole money from my cash register and tried to set fire to the building. My son tackled the guy and held him. I called the police 19 times, but they repeatedly refused to send an officer to arrest him. I guess we’re now living in a police-free zone.”

Best denied McDermott’s claim and pointed out that “he still has to pay taxes to fund the police. So, it’s not free. Furthermore, his business is outside of CHOP. So, he’s not in the zone. The crimes committed against his business were not serious and since the perp is a citizen of CHOP we didn’t want to create an international incident over such a minor disagreement over property rights.”

In related news, the CHOP junta is said to be considering rounding up all the white people inside the zone into labor brigades. As one junta member observed “we are going to reverse the slavery the white man imposed on the Black man by taking a payment in-kind.” The proposed payment in-kind follows an earlier decree that white residents of the zone must give $10 in cash to any Black person who demands it.

Liberal Mayor Mugged by BLM Reality

In Washington, Olympia Mayor Cheryl Selby was all for Black Lives Matter until BLM protesters vandalized her home. Her admission that Olympia was “not without sin in this country’s systemic racism. We have not been as welcoming and nurturing to communities of color as we’d like to think.” This statement inspired the vandals to seek out her house and spray paint “BLM,” “racist,” and “abolish” on the walls. Now she’s convinced that BLM is engaged in “domestic terrorism.”

“I realize now that it was easy for me to excuse the damage done in another city to someone else’s home or business,” she contritely admitted. “But when it happened in my neighborhood and my home I saw how frightening it could be for others assailed by large mobs breaking windows, stealing, and setting fires. I was totally duped by CNN’s assurances that the demonstrations were mostly peaceful even though I saw hordes of masked demonstrators on TV throwing bricks, looting stores, and beating up cops. Now I’m convinced we need law and order.”

New York Politicians Vie for “Worst Person” Title

A trio of New York Democrats tried to outdo each other for the state’s “worst person of the week” title.

Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney, co-chair of the Congressional LGBTQ+ Equality Caucus, praised the Supreme Court ruling that the 1964 Civil Rights Act protects lesbian, gay, and transgender workers from being fired. Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion. While Maloney was pleased by the ruling, he said he was “shocked that Gorsuch took a position that was at odds with his prior support for so-called religious liberty, which we all know is a bogus term people use as a pretext for discrimination.”

Rep. Jerry Nadler’s senior adviser Robert Atterbury surreptitiously altered a Democratic Party database to mark Nadler’s two primary opponents—Jonathan Herzog and Lindsey Boylan—as “deceased.” Boylan called the move “a dirty trick aimed at suppressing voter turnout for both Herzog and myself.” Nadler blamed Trump for “creating the negative atmosphere that divides us rather than unites us all behind a common cause.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio welded shut all the playgrounds in the Jewish sector of Brooklyn, calling it “necessary to protect the health of everyone.” New York State Senator Simcha Felder, characterized the Mayor’s action as “discriminatory. Given the fact that children are the least susceptible to the coronavirus and the Mayor’s approval of the mobs of demonstrators marching arm-in-arm to protest the George Floyd murder, there is no logic to shutting down the playgrounds.” After de Blasio refused to reconsider, Simcha Eichenstein, Kalman Yeger, and Felder cut the locks open themselves. De Blasio was livid. “We’re not going to allow people to take the law into their own hands. It just doesn’t work. We will come down hard on these enemies of the people and restore law and order to this rebellious band of outlaws.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a desperate bid to atone for his previous words and deeds that many are now criticizing as racist, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden asserted that “the murder of George Floyd has had a bigger impact on the world than the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King. King ignored the importance of race. He preached that character was more important than skin color. As events subsequent to his death have shown, he was wrong. Putting character ahead of color is white thinking. Nothing is more important than skin color. Fortunately, the murder of Floyd has brought this truth to light.”

“The murder of Floyd has inspired an uprising far bigger than what happened after King was killed,” Biden pointed out. “You know why? King was a follower of Ghandi’s insistence on peaceful protest. That had to have made many of his followers refrain from violence. Floyd also had the good luck to be killed by a cop in full view of a crowd that videoed the event. King was shot from ambush by a nobody that cops later tracked down and arrested. As we can see from the events of the last two weeks, vastly more property has been redistributed or destroyed than in 1968. This year, mayors all over the country have ordered police not to interfere with this. In 1968, mayors were calling for law and order. So, while Floyd was not as learned or eloquent as King, his role will turn out to be much more important. I think he will be the Horst Wessel of the new America we progressives are building.”

In related news, former President Barack Obama praised the George Floyd protests, saying “the talent, and the voice, the sophistication that these young people are displaying makes me feel optimistic about the future. Critics point to property damage to try to discredit the protesters—a bunch of statues were torn down, billions of dollars worth of merchandise was taken, and some buildings were burned. But isn’t this a small price to pay if the destination is social justice? All the statues were of dead white men. All the merchandise was redistributed. And the burned buildings were all cogs in the capitalist machine. From all the favorable reactions we see around the country from political leaders, the media, celebrities, and corporate executives, I’d say the transformation I promised has been boosted into hyperdrive.”

Dems Praise Seattle’s Autonomous Zone

The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) in downtown Seattle may become a permanent feature of the community going forward. City council member Kshama Sawant (Socialist Alternative Party) is drafting legislation that would establish the six-block enclave as a “self-governing, police-free micro-community.”

“This ground was conquered by a multi-racial junta of woke youths despite opposition from Mayor Durkan’s horrifically violent police,” Sawant claimed. “This small victory against the forces of racist capitalism must not be thrown away. Forging a new socialist utopia in our midst won’t be easy. Mistakes will be made and atrocities committed. Still, we cannot allow white squeamishness to divert us from our revolutionary goal. All the great revolutionaries—Lenin, Mao, Castro—have had to crush bourgeois objections to the steps needed to consolidate their power. We must now do the same here in Seattle.”

Police Chief Carmen Best is less optimistic about CHAZ’s future, saying “since they’ve walled off their territory our calls for service have more than tripled. Rapes, robberies, and all sorts of violent acts that have been occurring in the area that we’re not able to get to. There are also reports of food shortages. I don’t see how this autonomous zone can go on.”

Sawant called Best’s view “typical white blindness. Every disagreement about sex becomes ‘rape.’ Every disagreement about ownership becomes ‘robbery.’ As for food shortages, they’ve already planted gardens and the ruling junta has issued its list of demands—one of which calls for free food to be sent in from the City. So far they haven’t had to kill anyone. I recommend we give them what they want so that won’t be necessary.”

The Mayor bristled at Sawant’s characterization of her and insisted “I am a big supporter of CHAZ. The looting reminded me of the Boston Tea Party that helped spark the American Revolution. I regard these young people as patriots and will do everything in my power to help them succeed. I am just so jazzed that the Second American Revolution has begun in my City. I hope that my contribution will be worthy enough to merit a statue of me being erected to commemorate it.”

Dems Say Trump Rallies “Too Risky”

President Trump’s plan to resume campaign rallies has been called “too risky” by Democrats. The gist of their criticism is that the packed arena and sports stadiums that have characterized past Trump rallies would spread the COVID-19 virus. This criticism contrasts with the fulsome praise Democrats have heaped upon the George Floyd protests over the past two weeks.

Rep. Val Demings (D-Fla), a rumored contender for the VP slot on the Democratic presidential ticket explained the apparent hypocrisy as “the conflation of two distinctly different activities. At Trump rallies you have thousands of deplorables crammed together in a confined space for hours. Masks are optional. Attendees enter at their own risk. There’s lots of cheering and shouting. This, obviously, is a prime infection environment.”

“The Floyd protests are largely outdoors with only sporadic incursions into stores to grab free stuff,” Demings said. “Windows are quickly smashed. A portion of protesters take their turn to rush in and grab whatever they can and run out to place appropriated items into waiting cars and trucks. Because of the security cameras, everyone is wearing a mask. So, from a COVID standpoint, I’d say the protests are basically safe.”

Former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) contrasted the two activities as “fundamentally different. Trump’s rallies are irresponsible. There’s no social distancing. People will be allowed to decide for themselves whether to wear masks. This is not the kind of anarchism we want for our future. The Floyd protests against police brutality are progressive action at its finest. People are striking back against oppression, seizing and redistributing property selfishly hoarded by capitalists, and almost all are wearing masks. I will grant that there may be some who risk getting infected when they could’ve stayed safe at home, but revolutions have casualties. Remember, not everyone who fought for Castro’s Cuban Revolution survived. I am proud that our young people are willing to put their lives on the line for the new American revolution.”

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) argued that “the key distinction is whether the activity is essential or nonessential. Not only are Trump’s rallies dangerous, they are also nonessential. If Vice-President Biden can campaign from his basement, so can Trump. On the other hand, as I see it, the need to publicly protest the murder of George Floyd is essential. It is also not dangerous. There are more than ten people participating, but it’s not a coherent group. Since it’s a spontaneous gathering the virus has no foreknowledge of where to strike. So, I think that the protesters are unlikely to come down with COVID-19. They are far more likely to get hit by breaking glass, bricks, bottles, or stray bullets—none of which are apt to be as deadly as the virus.”

Dems Sue Over Mail-in Ballot Rule

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) is suing the Arizona secretary of state for tossing unsigned mail-in ballots. Under state law, the envelope containing a mail-in ballot must be signed by the voter. Joshua Boehm of Perkins Coie (the law firm that paid for the bogus Steele dossier used to smear Trump during the 2016 election), is taking the lead in the suit.

Boehm contrasted the unequal treatment of mail-in ballots as grounds for the court to void the Arizona law requiring signatures. “If a signature is suspected of being forged the voter is given an opportunity to come in to offer proof that he is the actual person who signed the envelope,” Boehm pointed out. “Voters who merely forgot to sign the envelope aren’t given the same opportunity. We think this discrepancy needs to be fixed.”

“A process that would be more friendly toward the idea of maximizing voter participation would set the default to automatically counting all votes—signed or not,” Boehm said. “If the Secretary of State feels that any unsigned or seemingly forged ballots have been cast she should be required to conduct a post-election investigation and recommend a fine be imposed for any proven illegally cast ballots. If the State Attorney General agrees he can pursue a conviction in court for any alleged offenders.”

Meanwhile in Michigan, Tony Daunt filed a lawsuit against Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson alleging that voter rolls have not been properly maintained—in 16 counties there are more registered voters than there are residents of voting age. “Retaining voter rolls bloated with ineligible voters harms the electoral process, heightens the risk of electoral fraud, and undermines public confidence in elections,” Daunt said. Benson dismissed the risk of fraud, saying that “at worst maybe 40,000 illegal ballots might be cast. Making the effort to prevent such a small impact on election outcomes is not a good investment of my time.”

Biden Says Trump “Will Try to Steal this Election”

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden told Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah that “there’s not a doubt about it, Trump will try to steal this year’s election. Look, we all know he did it in 2016. October polls showed him behind by double digits and the Billy Bush tape should’ve been the knock out blow. But a few weeks later to everyone’s surprise, he was declared the winner.”

“Since he got away with conspiring with the Russians I expect him to do it again,” Biden alleged. “Rep. Schiff had hard evidence, but the Republicans in the Senate refused to convict Trump after he was impeached. On top of this, Trump is pushing to disqualify as many votes as he can by insisting on voter IDs and injecting unwanted scrutiny of ballot harvesting into the equation. Voting is a human right and shouldn’t be limited to only citizens and a single ballot per person. Non-citizens should have a say in who governs them. And many Democrats are too decrepit or lazy to go to the polls. They should be allowed to sell their proxy to others so their votes won’t be lost.”

Biden went on to warn that “our military may have to remove Trump from office in order to protect democracy. All of us have seen the many retired generals who are expressing concern speak out against Trump. They may have to intervene to forestall another incorrect outcome at the polls.”

In related news, Biden has reportedly shortened his list of prospective running mates, but former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is not on it. “I have been waiting by the phone for weeks to hear from Joe,” she lamented. “I wondered, could he have forgotten my number?” A spokesman for the Biden campaigned assured that “we have Gov. Abrams’ phone number, but when her state prematurely broke ranks with all the other Democratic governors by easing the lockdown early it made the rest of them look bad. She had to have realized that this disloyalty to the Party would hurt her VP chances.”

Congressional Candidate Endorses Looting, Arson

Retired Air Force Col. Kim Olson, a Democratic candidate in Texas’s 24^th Congressional District near Dallas, came out in favor of the looting and arson that has accompanied many of the George Floyd protests around the country. “In my mind, the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause in our Constitution, if properly interpreted, allows for looting and arson as a form of political expression,” she argued.

“The police upped the ante by putting snipers on the roofs during the peaceful protests,” Olson said. “The looting and arson were natural responses to that provocation. If people loot, so what? Burn it to the ground, you know, if that’s what it’s going to take to fix our nation. In a just society the President would’ve called for an air strike on the Minneapolis police precinct that nurtured the cop who murdered an innocent man in broad daylight. Hell, I would’ve been the first to volunteer to lead the attack.”

Rachel Perry, Olson’s campaign manager, tried to clean up the candidate’s mess, saying “As a combat vet, Colonel Olson knows first hand the human heartbreak of violence. She knows we cannot use force to fix a systemic problem of undue violence and discrimination perpetrated by those who are sworn to protect and serve. It’s just that sometimes she goes a little crazy when she talks politics.”

Clinton Says Females Are Superior Leaders

Using the COVID pandemic as an illustration, unsuccessful presidential candidate Hillary Clinton boasted that “women are superior leaders. Out of all the governors called upon to deal with the virus the one who stands head-and-shoulders above the rest is Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan. She is my hero.”

“Gov. Whitmer was quicker than anyone else to recognize that ordinary people are incapable of making wise decisions on their own,” Clinton asserted. “She was the first to neutralize individual self-reliance and the most thorough in establishing the widest authoritarian control ever seen in America. Her ruthless enforcement of her executive directives is a model for the rest of us to emulate.”

“Those of us who understand how the world works know that freedom is not a natural way to live,” she added. “Nowhere in the animal kingdom is freedom the natural state. The rule is for the strong to dominate and the weak to submit. Unfortunately for America, the Founding Fathers took a wrong turn in 1776 and established an alien system of individual liberty. Today we have the opportunity to undo that horrible mistake. The experiment with lockdowns during the pandemic showed that the masses will submit if the leaders have the will to dominate. The door to a collectivist utopia is open. All we need is a leader to command us to enter.”

Dems Inadvertently Pay Homage to Slave Traders

What was meant as a gesture of solidarity with the Black Lives Matter claim to represent the interests of African-Americans turned into an ironic joke. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and twenty other Democrats wore scarves made of Kente cloth as they knelt for eight minutes and 46 seconds in the Capitol as a tribute to George Floyd. Kente scarves were traditionally worn by the wealthy leaders of the Ashanti tribes of what is now known as Ghana. The ugly truth is that these leaders were major players in the slave trade.

Nevertheless, Pelosi insisted that “the Kente cloth comes from Africa. It was produced by African people. There was no way we could’ve known that it had any role with slavery unless we had checked beforehand. The nit-picking historians are spoiling our intended political coup by raising awareness that didn’t need to be raised and at a very inopportune moment.”

Schumer was even more blunt in his observation that “Henry Ford told us that history is bunk. I’m with him 100 percent on that. The meaning of our demonstration is for us to decide. Whatever association the cloth may have had with slavery in the past is no longer relevant today.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

During a virtual town hall meeting emceed by comedian Don Cheadle, former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted he would “beat Trump by the largest margin in American history.” He says he reached this conclusion “via an analysis of trends. Back in 2016 Secretary Clinton pointed out that half of Trump’s supporters are deplorables. My current estimate is that 10% to 15% of Americans are just not very good people. To my mind, this shows that, at best, Trump might get 20% to 30% of the vote. That would make him the biggest loser in our presidential election history.”

Signs that Biden believes will sweep him to victory include “Trump’s mistaken belief that law and order is a winning issue. The American people are sick and tired of law and order. Trump’s assertion that George Floyd would have disapproved of the efforts to correct the unequal distribution of property that Trump calls looting is despicable. He doesn’t know how blacks think like I do.”

“I am the candidate that will lead us to a post-law and order society,” the nominee insisted. “Voters will recognize this and cast their ballots accordingly. It’s not a question of whether I will beat Trump. The only question is when.”

In related news, Julian Castro, a former rival of Biden’s for the Democratic presidential nomination, has finally endorsed Biden. “The tipping point was Joe’s endorsement of the ad hoc wealth redistribution going on right now in our nation’s major cities,” Castro said. “This validates his progressive outlook.” Biden expressed his elation at getting the endorsement, saying “I have always admired the way Castro stood up to the American imperialism that sought to crush the Cuban revolution. It’s great to have him on my side.”

Economic Rebound Shocks Dems

According to the Department of Labor’s May report on employment, non-farm payrolls rose by 2.5 million and the unemployment rate fell to 13.3%—the biggest positive shift in more than 80 years. This confounded a Wall Street Journal prediction that these payrolls would decline by 8.3 million and unemployment would rise to 19.5%–the highest since the Great Depression.

President Trump hailed the jobs numbers and said “the great enterprise of American business owners and workers is the key driving factor. As the lockdowns are being eased, the boom stimulated by the tax cuts and deregulation we implemented earlier in my term is resuming. I’m confident that we’ll go back to having the greatest economy anywhere in the world.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) pooh-poohed the jobs report, pointing out that “13% unemployment is nothing to cheer about.” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez boasted that “this is the largest unemployment crisis since the Great Depression and it happened on Trump’s watch. Voters will punish him for that.”

Democrat presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden denied that Trump deserves any credit for the rebound, saying “Trump neglects to mention that it was largely Democrat governors and mayors who enforced the economy-strangling lockdowns that laid the foundation for the sharp recovery. Without the losses inflicted by the shuttering of nonessential businesses and jobs, there would not have been an opportunity for a vigorous bounce. On top of this, Trump is overlooking the massive stimulus from the need to rebuild the cities destroyed by arson and looting. These cities are all governed by Democrats. The role of our Party in the events making this possible should not be forgotten.”

Minneapolis May Disband Police Force

Members of the Minneapolis City Council are discussing a plan to disband the City’s police force. Jeremiah Ellison, 5^th Ward council member and son of Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, argues that “a dispassionate analysis leads to only one logical conclusion. Consider, if there were no police force, George Floyd would still be alive. Clearly, the most direct remedial measure we can take, then, is to abolish the agency that nurtured the racist cops who killed Mr. Floyd.”

Council president Lisa Bender backed Ellison’s thinking and vowed “we are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and replace it with a transformative new model of public safety. I have learned from our local congressperson Rep. Ilhan Omar (D) that in her home country of Somalia neighborhoods are policed by a sharia patrol. I think something similar can be tried out here. In Muslim neighborhoods a sharia patrol would be a perfect fit. In African-American neighborhoods a Black Lives Matter patrol seems appropriate.”

Brian Fallon, director of “Demand Justice” and a former spokesman for Hillary Clinton and Eric Holder, called for “a nationwide movement to de-fund police departments. The benefits shouldn’t be limited to just Minneapolis. Every city needs to do this.”

Meanwhile, New York City’s Comptroller Scott Stringer took a more moderate approach and advised Mayor Bill de Blasio to “merely” cut $1.1 billion from the City’s budget for the police Department. “By selectively cutting police activities in minority neighborhoods we can drastically reduce the toll that police brutality takes on people of color,” Stringer contends. “Freed from the oppressive presence of police, these neighborhood will be able to flourish as never before.”

Some Highlights from the Riots

Washington, D.C.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) issued a joint statement condemning President Trump’s determination to restore law and order, saying “we all know that ‘law and order’ is a code phrase justifying oppression of African-Americans, and that, as Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has pointed out, ‘rioting’ is a pejorative term used to malign property redistribution when done by people of color. We call upon the President and law-enforcement officers to stand down and let the rough justice undertaken in the streets take its course and peter out. The President’s insistence on imposing ‘white justice’ on non-white Americans is a manifestation of the worst of our country’s systemic racism.” Schumer and Pelosi’s position, however, is contradicted by the latest Rasmussen poll showing black approval of Trump has soared to 40%.

DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) criticized “the unwelcoming presence of fencing around the White House,” saying that “this is the people’s house. They ought to have the right to enter it whenever they please.” She went on to contrast “President Trump’s fear with the gracious hospitality offered by President Andrew Jackson. When he was president anyone and everyone was invited to treat the place as their own.”

Black Lives Matter and the American Civil Liberties Union have filed a suit against President Trump, alleging that BLM’s First Amendment rights were violated when peaceful protesters were forced out of Lafayette Square. ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty characterized the offense “as the most egregious example yet of the sort of dictatorship that Trump is trying to impose on this country.” However, under media questioning, Petty admitted “that some bricks and bottles may have been thrown at those guarding the White House” and said he was “not authorized to admit or deny that some BLM members on the scene may or may not have set fire to the St. John’s church,” but insisted that “nowhere in the First Amendment does it explicitly say such actions are prohibited.”

Outside the Indian Embassy in Washington DC, Mahatma Gandhi’s statue was desecrated by unruly elements of Black Lives Matter. Ironically, though Ghandi was a person-of-color, this most famous advocate and practitioner of non-violet protest, was derided by a BLM spokesman as “just some bald dude in a diaper.”

Minneapolis

Democratic Mayor Jacob Frey is preparing a request for a $55 million bailout of his city. Acknowledging that “mistakes may have been made that led to the unnecessary death of George Floyd and the swath of destruction that followed,” but insisted that “now is not the time for recriminations. President Trump could have sent in troops to help limit the rioting that caused the damage, but he foolishly refused to ignore my objections. So now it is time for all Americans to pay their fair share of the cost to rebuild Minneapolis.”

Chicago

Mayor Lori Lightfoot is begging major retailers whose places of business were vandalized, looted, and burned to “not abandon the City just because some of our residents jumped the gun on the redistribution of wealth. Residents need the services you provide. Don’t worry, we’re going to get things under control so that all future expropriations are done in an organized and legal way.”

New York

George Soros explains why he is funding the riots. “People think that my Open Society Foundation shouldn’t be helping oppressed people loot and burn,” he said. “They think that an open society means life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That is the white privilege way of thinking where people are required to earn their own happiness. These freedoms are of little value to poor minorities. In my view, an open society is one where all doors are open and people can come in and take whatever they need. When doors are locked, breaking them in or smashing windows to get inside are the only alternative. My role is to ensure that the oppressed have the transportation, tools, and other resources necessary to seize what they need from those who refuse to give it to them.”

New York Times writer Nikole Hannah-Jones asserted that “breaking into businesses and stealing merchandise is not violent. The act of looting is more a symbolic act of restitution from a society that oppresses black Americans than an actual theft of someone else’s property. There are no innocent shopkeepers. Each is an agent of the exploitative capitalist system, even the ones who are minorities. They have betrayed their race and class by stepping out of the proletariat and into the bourgeoisie. For acting white they are justifiably dispossessed.”

While elbow-to-elbow mobs of rioters looted and burned numerous businesses, New York City police took the time to arrest two black women—Bevelyn Beatty and Edmee Chavannes—who were peacefully counseling women outside a Manhattan Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Their offense was not meeting the City’s social distancing guidelines. One of the arresting officers laconically observed “offing babies is legal. Not wearing a mask is illegal.” His partner also acknowledged that “many of the rioters are also not wearing masks, but trying to bust any of them would be too risky. These two women were an easier collar.”

Los Angeles

Police arrived at a confrontation outside a liquor store and promptly cuffed and arrested the store’s civilian defenders while the people who intended to rob the store were allowed to escape. LAPD Commanding Officer Andy Neiman explained that “officers don’t know what’s going on, and until they sort everything out, they don’t know who they’re dealing with. In this case, we chose to arrest the guys with guns rather than the guys with baseball bats.” Monet, an African-American woman, one of the individuals guarding the store, recounted her experience, “I was handcuffed, thrown up against a wall with my husband and brother-in-law. The store owner and the news people were telling telling the police they were arresting the wrong people, but the cops wouldn’t listen.”

Seattle

Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) urged citizens “not to believe what you think you are seeing on TV. It’s not African-Americans who are looting our stores. It’s white supremacists disguised to look black. Our City is not the only place where this is happening. Commissioner of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety John Harrington has also blamed the riots in Minneapolis on white supremacists. And St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter says over 80% of arrested rioters were out-of-state white nationalists.” However, jail records for the two cities contradict these assertions. The majority of rioters arrested were locals and none were white supremacists. Even the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center says there is no evidence white supremacists are participating in the rioting and looting.

Massachusetts

Co-chair of the Democratic Attorneys General Association Maura Healey described the arson taking place in cities across the country as “clearing a path to future growth opportunities. The razing phase for a revitalized America has been largely accomplished in so many places. Ground that was occupied by capitalist exploiters of the people has been cleared for us to build new socially-owned and communal facilities that will usher in the fundamental transformation our Party has been striving for since President Obama awakened us to this possibility.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.