Biden Predicts ‘Landslide’ Win

By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

During a virtual town hall meeting emceed by comedian Don Cheadle, former Vice-President Joe Biden predicted he would “beat Trump by the largest margin in American history.” He says he reached this conclusion “via an analysis of trends. Back in 2016 Secretary Clinton pointed out that half of Trump’s supporters are deplorables. My current estimate is that 10% to 15% of Americans are just not very good people. To my mind, this shows that, at best, Trump might get 20% to 30% of the vote. That would make him the biggest loser in our presidential election history.”

Signs that Biden believes will sweep him to victory include “Trump’s mistaken belief that law and order is a winning issue. The American people are sick and tired of law and order. Trump’s assertion that George Floyd would have disapproved of the efforts to correct the unequal distribution of property that Trump calls looting is despicable. He doesn’t know how blacks think like I do.”

I am the candidate that will lead us to a post-law and order society,” the nominee insisted. “Voters will recognize this and cast their ballots accordingly. It’s not a question of whether I will beat Trump. The only question is when.”

In related news, Julian Castro, a former rival of Biden’s for the Democratic presidential nomination, has finally endorsed Biden. “The tipping point was Joe’s endorsement of the ad hoc wealth redistribution going on right now in our nation’s major cities,” Castro said. “This validates his progressive outlook.” Biden expressed his elation at getting the endorsement, saying “I have always admired the way Castro stood up to the American imperialism that sought to crush the Cuban revolution. It’s great to have him on my side.”

Economic Rebound Shocks Dems

According to the Department of Labor’s May report on employment, non-farm payrolls rose by 2.5 million and the unemployment rate fell to 13.3%—the biggest positive shift in more than 80 years. This confounded a Wall Street Journal prediction that these payrolls would decline by 8.3 million and unemployment would rise to 19.5%–the highest since the Great Depression.

President Trump hailed the jobs numbers and said “the great enterprise of American business owners and workers is the key driving factor. As the lockdowns are being eased, the boom stimulated by the tax cuts and deregulation we implemented earlier in my term is resuming. I’m confident that we’ll go back to having the greatest economy anywhere in the world.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) pooh-poohed the jobs report, pointing out that “13% unemployment is nothing to cheer about.” Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez boasted that “this is the largest unemployment crisis since the Great Depression and it happened on Trump’s watch. Voters will punish him for that.”

Democrat presidential nominee, former Vice-President Joe Biden denied that Trump deserves any credit for the rebound, saying “Trump neglects to mention that it was largely Democrat governors and mayors who enforced the economy-strangling lockdowns that laid the foundation for the sharp recovery. Without the losses inflicted by the shuttering of nonessential businesses and jobs, there would not have been an opportunity for a vigorous bounce. On top of this, Trump is overlooking the massive stimulus from the need to rebuild the cities destroyed by arson and looting. These cities are all governed by Democrats. The role of our Party in the events making this possible should not be forgotten.”

Minneapolis May Disband Police Force

Members of the Minneapolis City Council are discussing a plan to disband the City’s police force. Jeremiah Ellison, 5th Ward council member and son of Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, argues that “a dispassionate analysis leads to only one logical conclusion. Consider, if there were no police force, George Floyd would still be alive. Clearly, the most direct remedial measure we can take, then, is to abolish the agency that nurtured the racist cops who killed Mr. Floyd.”

Council president Lisa Bender backed Ellison’s thinking and vowed “we are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and replace it with a transformative new model of public safety. I have learned from our local congressperson Rep. Ilhan Omar (D) that in her home country of Somalia neighborhoods are policed by a sharia patrol. I think something similar can be tried out here. In Muslim neighborhoods a sharia patrol would be a perfect fit. In African-American neighborhoods a Black Lives Matter patrol seems appropriate.”

Brian Fallon, director of “Demand Justice” and a former spokesman for Hillary Clinton and Eric Holder, called for “a nationwide movement to de-fund police departments. The benefits shouldn’t be limited to just Minneapolis. Every city needs to do this.”

Meanwhile, New York City’s Comptroller Scott Stringer took a more moderate approach and advised Mayor Bill de Blasio to “merely” cut $1.1 billion from the City’s budget for the police Department. “By selectively cutting police activities in minority neighborhoods we can drastically reduce the toll that police brutality takes on people of color,” Stringer contends. “Freed from the oppressive presence of police, these neighborhood will be able to flourish as never before.”

Some Highlights from the Riots

Washington, D.C.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) issued a joint statement condemning President Trump’s determination to restore law and order, saying “we all know that ‘law and order’ is a code phrase justifying oppression of African-Americans, and that, as Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has pointed out, ‘rioting’ is a pejorative term used to malign property redistribution when done by people of color. We call upon the President and law-enforcement officers to stand down and let the rough justice undertaken in the streets take its course and peter out. The President’s insistence on imposing ‘white justice’ on non-white Americans is a manifestation of the worst of our country’s systemic racism.” Schumer and Pelosi’s position, however, is contradicted by the latest Rasmussen poll showing black approval of Trump has soared to 40%.

DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) criticized “the unwelcoming presence of fencing around the White House,” saying that “this is the people’s house. They ought to have the right to enter it whenever they please.” She went on to contrast “President Trump’s fear with the gracious hospitality offered by President Andrew Jackson. When he was president anyone and everyone was invited to treat the place as their own.”

Black Lives Matter and the American Civil Liberties Union have filed a suit against President Trump, alleging that BLM’s First Amendment rights were violated when peaceful protesters were forced out of Lafayette Square. ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty characterized the offense “as the most egregious example yet of the sort of dictatorship that Trump is trying to impose on this country.” However, under media questioning, Petty admitted “that some bricks and bottles may have been thrown at those guarding the White House” and said he was “not authorized to admit or deny that some BLM members on the scene may or may not have set fire to the St. John’s church,” but insisted that “nowhere in the First Amendment does it explicitly say such actions are prohibited.”

Outside the Indian Embassy in Washington DC, Mahatma Gandhi’s statue was desecrated by unruly elements of Black Lives Matter. Ironically, though Ghandi was a person-of-color, this most famous advocate and practitioner of non-violet protest, was derided by a BLM spokesman as “just some bald dude in a diaper.”

Minneapolis

Democratic Mayor Jacob Frey is preparing a request for a $55 million bailout of his city. Acknowledging that “mistakes may have been made that led to the unnecessary death of George Floyd and the swath of destruction that followed,” but insisted that “now is not the time for recriminations. President Trump could have sent in troops to help limit the rioting that caused the damage, but he foolishly refused to ignore my objections. So now it is time for all Americans to pay their fair share of the cost to rebuild Minneapolis.”

Chicago

Mayor Lori Lightfoot is begging major retailers whose places of business were vandalized, looted, and burned to “not abandon the City just because some of our residents jumped the gun on the redistribution of wealth. Residents need the services you provide. Don’t worry, we’re going to get things under control so that all future expropriations are done in an organized and legal way.”

New York

George Soros explains why he is funding the riots. “People think that my Open Society Foundation shouldn’t be helping oppressed people loot and burn,” he said. “They think that an open society means life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That is the white privilege way of thinking where people are required to earn their own happiness. These freedoms are of little value to poor minorities. In my view, an open society is one where all doors are open and people can come in and take whatever they need. When doors are locked, breaking them in or smashing windows to get inside are the only alternative. My role is to ensure that the oppressed have the transportation, tools, and other resources necessary to seize what they need from those who refuse to give it to them.”

New York Times writer Nikole Hannah-Jones asserted that “breaking into businesses and stealing merchandise is not violent. The act of looting is more a symbolic act of restitution from a society that oppresses black Americans than an actual theft of someone else’s property. There are no innocent shopkeepers. Each is an agent of the exploitative capitalist system, even the ones who are minorities. They have betrayed their race and class by stepping out of the proletariat and into the bourgeoisie. For acting white they are justifiably dispossessed.”

While elbow-to-elbow mobs of rioters looted and burned numerous businesses, New York City police took the time to arrest two black women—Bevelyn Beatty and Edmee Chavannes—who were peacefully counseling women outside a Manhattan Planned Parenthood abortion facility. Their offense was not meeting the City’s social distancing guidelines. One of the arresting officers laconically observed “offing babies is legal. Not wearing a mask is illegal.” His partner also acknowledged that “many of the rioters are also not wearing masks, but trying to bust any of them would be too risky. These two women were an easier collar.”

Los Angeles

Police arrived at a confrontation outside a liquor store and promptly cuffed and arrested the store’s civilian defenders while the people who intended to rob the store were allowed to escape. LAPD Commanding Officer Andy Neiman explained that “officers don’t know what’s going on, and until they sort everything out, they don’t know who they’re dealing with. In this case, we chose to arrest the guys with guns rather than the guys with baseball bats.” Monet, an African-American woman, one of the individuals guarding the store, recounted her experience, “I was handcuffed, thrown up against a wall with my husband and brother-in-law. The store owner and the news people were telling telling the police they were arresting the wrong people, but the cops wouldn’t listen.”

Seattle

Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) urged citizens “not to believe what you think you are seeing on TV. It’s not African-Americans who are looting our stores. It’s white supremacists disguised to look black. Our City is not the only place where this is happening. Commissioner of the Minnesota Department of Public Safety John Harrington has also blamed the riots in Minneapolis on white supremacists. And St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter says over 80% of arrested rioters were out-of-state white nationalists.” However, jail records for the two cities contradict these assertions. The majority of rioters arrested were locals and none were white supremacists. Even the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center says there is no evidence white supremacists are participating in the rioting and looting.

Massachusetts

Co-chair of the Democratic Attorneys General Association Maura Healey described the arson taking place in cities across the country as “clearing a path to future growth opportunities. The razing phase for a revitalized America has been largely accomplished in so many places. Ground that was occupied by capitalist exploiters of the people has been cleared for us to build new socially-owned and communal facilities that will usher in the fundamental transformation our Party has been striving for since President Obama awakened us to this possibility.”

Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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