By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A poll respondent from New York City explained that “paying for protection is the best option we have. Sure, it’s extortion, but what choice do we have? The reality is that it is better to pay off those controlling the mobs who stand ready to destroy everything a bigger slice of our hard-earned money than to see them wreck everything like they have been doing the past month.”
A respondent from Minneapolis gave a similar answer, saying “with the police being abolished we have nowhere to turn for protection against these thugs. It is better to live as serfs under the thumb of criminals than to be killed by them. If we vote Biden in we’re hoping that as head ‘capo’ he can rein-in the destruction by establishing a reasonable wealth redistribution scheme.”
House Blocks Resolution Condemning Riots
A resolution sponsored by Rep. Greg Steube (R-Fla) “calling for justice for George Floyd and others, and condemning violence and rioting” failed to attract a single Democratic vote in support.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pointed out that “law and order is the Republican knee-jerk response to the exuberant and robust protests on behalf of racial justice that have been taking place. The value of the property stolen, damaged or destroyed pales in comparison to the centuries of injustice that have stained America from the very beginning of time. The Democratic Party will not permit these lesser crimes from being denigrated as the Republicans would have us do. Sometimes protests are violent. That doesn’t mean they are illegitimate.”
Biden Vows to Mandate COVID Safety Measures
Alarmed by the 120 million COVID-19 fatalities since the beginning of the pandemic, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden promised “I will use the unconstrained powers of the presidency to ensure maximum protection for everyone who is still alive after I am elected. I only hope I am not too late.”
Among the protective equipment Biden says he intends to distribute are face masks and hazmat suits. “This equipment combined with a nationwide lockdown barring all nonessential activity will give our people the best chance of surviving the virus,” he said. “There will be no need for anyone to venture out and take unnecessary risks. The government will deliver food and medicine for however long it takes for an effective vaccine to emerge.”
“Over the longer term, I will implement measures to help repopulate the country,” Biden added. “These will include open borders, birthing bonuses, and total economic support for every woman who is willing to be a full time parent. This will include food, housing, clothing, and recreation.”
“The one thing I fear most is that there might not be any people left come November,” Biden admitted. “With 120 million killed over the last three months and the COVID infection rate accelerating to new peaks every day the survival of a sufficient breeding contingent seems very iffy. We may need our military to depose Trump before November if we hope to avoid such a dismal future.”
Speaking of health, the Biden Cancer Initiative spends nearly 80% of the donations it receives on salaries conferences, conventions, and meetings. The benchmark for a well-run charity is for these expenses to consume 25% or less of donations. Joe Biden rebuffed the contention that there is anything wrong with his charity by pointing out that “a lot of good people got good jobs working for the Cancer Initiative” and “the Clinton Foundation has a similar breakdown for its expenditures.”
Nearly 20 Percent of New Jersey Mail-in Ballots Fraudulent
In a preview of what may transpire with a wider expansion of vote-by-mail this November, almost 20% of the mailed-in ballots in the Paterson, New Jersey municipal election of May 12 were declared fraudulent. Of the more than 3,000 ballots disqualified, 800 were bundled together and 2,300 had non-matching signatures. Paterson City Councilman Michael Jackson, Councilman-Elect Alex Mendez, Shelim Khalique, and Abu Razyen were charged with vote-fraud by Attorney General Gurbir Grewal.
Jackson called the charges “a big misunderstanding. With so many voters shut-in because of the pandemic we took the initiative to go to their homes and carry their ballots to the mail box. In some cases, these voters asked me to fill in the ballots for them since they were feeling weak from the virus. If I had rejected these requests these voters would have been disenfranchised.”
As for signatures not matching, Jackson asserted that “persons rendered non compos ments by the virus shouldn’t have their votes disqualified just because their signatures didn’t match those on the voter rolls or were illegible. It’s possible that other family members or household residents may have assisted in the casting of these ballots for those who were not conscious or coherent enough to do it themselves. Disqualifying these ballots is voter suppression.”
House Dems Vote to Make DC “Autonomous Zone”
Inspired by “the exhilarating success of the Seattle Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP) autonomous zone,” the US House of Representatives, by a vote of 232-180, enacted legislation declaring the District of Columbia “the autonomous Douglass Commonwealth.” The “zone” will consist of two square miles, comprising the Capitol and White House, the National Mall and other major federal buildings.
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) boasted that “in addition to adding two more Democratic senators and one representative to Congress, the new zone, like the one in Seattle, will have complete authority over who is and isn’t let inside. We expect the new emperor of the zone, current DC Mayor Muriel Bowser (D), will have no problem admitting Democrats to freely enter and exit the zone. However, given the unrepentant racism of Republicans, she may decide to deny admission or incarcerate them after they cross the border.”
While DC may have been the first, Hoyer says that “our Party is looking at many other cities that deserve a similar recognition of their importance in the ‘new normal’ we are trying to establish. New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles immediately come to mind. Each of these cities has a larger population than most of the states. Each deserves a larger say in government policy and a right to decide who may be allowed to enter and what rights or obligations these immigrants or visitors have.”
LeBron Demands NFL Pay Reparations to Kaepernick
Racial justice expert and National Basketball Association star LeBron James says “the National Football League owes former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick an apology and reparations for their suppression of his career. He was on his way to greatness, but was denied the opportunity to achieve it for political reasons.”
Kaepernick had some success in the league and led his team to the 2013 Super Bowl where they lost to the Baltimore Ravens 34-31. The following season, the team finished the regular season 12-4, but lost in the Conference championship game. After these two stellar seasons, Kaepernick signed a six-year, $126 million contract extension with the 49ers. Things went down hill from there for the team and Kaepernick. By the 2016 season Kaepernick posted a 1-10 record as a starter, however, he did sit or kneel when the National Anthem was played prior to all the games. Kaepernick never played another game in any league, not even the XFL where he felt that his skills merited being paid 80 times the amount the league normally paid its quarterbacks.
James blamed discrimination for the downfall of “one of the most talented and heroic athletes in world history. At the very least the NFL should be awarding him back pay for all the years he went unsigned. On top of this, I think they should create a special life-time achieve award to acknowledge the Super Bowls and Most Valuable Player awards he would’ve won if he hadn’t been snubbed the past four years.”
Police-Free Neighborhood Tested
A progressive Minneapolis neighborhood that has decided to go without police is discovering a “new normal.” The area around Powderhorn Park has seen the neighborhood inundated with a 300-person homeless encampment. Traffic, drug use, and prostitution have become common.
Resident, Mitchell Erickson was assailed by two youths, one armed with a pistol, who tried to rob him. They wanted to steal his car, but he mistakenly gave them his house keys. While they were unsuccessfully trying to start his car, he called 911. He has since apologized “for endangering these boys. Luckily, they were able to steal someone else’s car before police arrived. I was so relieved. But I still feel guilty I wasn’t able to atone for my white privilege by letting them take my car.”
Nearby, Carrie Nightshade apologetically admitted that she won’t let her children play in the park because “it’s too dangerous. I don’t want to seem judgmental. Each person has a right to pursue happiness in his own way even if it does frighten others. If we’re going to learn to live without police we’re going to have to protect ourselves by staying inside and only going out when its absolutely necessary.”
In contrast black Minneapolis resident Leslie Taha rejected the notion that Black Lives Matter agitators have the best interests of blacks in mind. “The murder of George Floyd was horrific, but it does not represent the greatest threat to black lives,” he said. “Nearly 90% of the African-Americans who are murdered each year are killed by other African-Americans. That’s the greater threat we need to deal with and we need the police to to help with that.”
Meanwhile in Madison Wisconsin, State Senator Tim Carpenter (D-Milwaukee) was attacked and severely beaten by a mob engaged in toppling the statue of Hans Christian Heg—a Union soldier who died fighting against slavery during the Civil War—while he was taking photographs of their “peaceful demonstration.” Carpenter was mystified. “It’s not as if I were a Republican. I tried to tell them that numerous times while I was being punched and kicked. Their response ‘you’re white’ didn’t seem enough of a reason to me.” Gov. Tony Evers (D) agreed, “Carpenter has the proper views. There is no justification for him to be attacked.”
Nadler Calls for End to Durham Probe
Newly released documents written by Peter Strzok in 2017 proving that former President Barack Obama was active in the scheme to undermine the Trump Administration prompted House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jerrod Nadler (D-NY) to demand an end to the coup investigation being conducted by U.S. Attorney John Durham.
“James Comey, John Brennan, James Clapper, Peter Strzok, and all the rest were working at the explicit direction of President Obama,” Nadler said. “Whatever so-called crimes they may have committed under orders from the President were fully authorized. President Obama is immune because as President Nixon pointed out, under the Constitution if the president does something it is not illegal. So, by extension any federal government employee carrying out the president’s orders must also be immune.”
“Instead of wasting the efforts of these patriotic and loyal employees, it is incumbent upon us to see through President Obama’s plan to save the country from what Trump’s own niece calls ‘the most dangerous man in the world’ and who Professor Noam Chomsky dubbed the ‘worst criminal in human history’ by impeaching him a second time,” Nadler maintained. “The lies and abuses of power employed by these patriots are trivial infringements compared to the existential threat to humanity posed by President Trump.”
Pelosi Says Trump Responsible for “George Kirby’s” Murder
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) laid the blame for George Floyd’s murder squarely on President Trump. She rejected the contention that since Minneapolis and Minnesota have been governed by Democrats for many decades they might be the ones responsible, calling this “state’s rights nonsense.”
“Limited government is not an idea supported by the Democratic Party,” Pelosi said. “In our view, it is the right and obligation for the president to step in and overrule any action or policy undertaken by any subordinate level of government. President Trump’s failure to anticipate the cruel and unjust actions of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin cannot be used as an excuse to absolve him of responsibility for the consequences.”
The Speaker contrasted Trump’s inaction with “the more aggressive stances taken by previous presidents. It was President George H.W. Bush who sent FBI agents to kill Randy Weaver’s wife and son at Ruby Ridge in Idaho in 1992. It was President Bill Clinton who sent the FBI to kill the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas in 1993. These Chief Executives weren’t deterred by respect for local authority. Neither will President Joe Biden be deterred. In fact, if Biden had been president instead of Trump an FBI sniper would’ve taken out Chauvin the moment he sat on George Kirby’s neck. In November, voters will have the opportunity to replace the ‘do nothing’ Trump with a ‘no holds barred’ Biden. I think we all know how they will respond.”
Kerry Sees Revolution If Trump Wins
Former Secretary of State John Kerry predicted “there will be revolution if Trump wins in November.”
“Considering how hated this man is, the only way he could win would be by suppressing the vote,” Kerry asserted. “Trump’s demands that the ballot be restricted to only those registered to vote excludes millions of people from having a say in who rules over them. Voting is a human right that shouldn’t be limited to only those who meet age, citizenship, residency requirements and fill out some unnecessary paperwork. Ballots should be mailed to every address and handed out to whoever shows up at the polls. People who feel strongly about the candidates should be allowed to vote as often as they can.”
Kerry contends that all losing Democrats—Gore, Hillary Clinton, and himself—were cheated by GOP vote suppression. “We were all too timid to stand up for our right to be president,” he insisted. “But as we can see from what’s been happening in the streets the last few weeks, the younger generation isn’t too shy to strike back against injustice. I’m confident that if Trump is declared the winner they will oust him from office by whatever means are necessary.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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