By John Semmens — Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Biden Campaign Chair Cedric Richmond appeared on FOX News and claimed “it would be unfair for Joe to have to go one-on-one with Trump in a debate. First of all, Trump is a racist. Joe is too polite to bring this up. That’s why we need the moderators, the New York Times editors, or some other widely respected authority to interject as often as needed to remind viewers of this fact.”
“Second, Joe isn’t as sharp as Trump,” Richmond pointed out. “He can’t always remember his talking points. He needs a ‘handicap’ like they have in bowling leagues to try to even out the competition. Allowing the moderators or someone else to fill in the gaps will help level the playing field. There is a precedent for doing this. Back in the 2012 debate between Mitt Romney and President Obama moderator Candy Crowley intervened during the debate to rescue the younger, very able and articulate President during what could otherwise have been an awkward moment for him. Romney never complained about that. So why should Trump complain about a similar intervention when Joe gets hung up trying to remember key planks of his platform?”
In related news, Biden snagged an endorsement from 1980 & 1984 US Communist Party vice-presidential candidate and winner of the International Lenin Peace Prize Angela Davis. Davis says that “Biden may have some serious mental deficiencies, but he has indicated he supports key planks of the Communist Party’s agenda for America. He has come out in favor of defunding the police. This demonstrates that he will fulfill his promise to rip the roots out of this country. Since that’s what communists want to do, we’ll vote for him in November.”
How Seattle May Achieve 50% Reduction of Police Force
In response to Police Chief Carmen Best’s concern that the City Council’s proposed 50% cut in funding for her department would cost many minority officers to lose their livelihoods, Council member Lisa Herbold suggested that “we could just lay off white officers.”
Herbold defended this racist basis for determining who stays and who goes, saying “it will make up for past inequities in hiring. From a budgetary perspective, getting rid of whites who have more years of service could reduce the per officer cost. From a social perspective, a totally minority-staffed department would eliminate the problem of white cops killing black suspects. Statistics show that while blacks represent about 13% of the population they account for about a third of the crime. As a result, blacks are going to be disproportionately represented among those the police have contact with. If the contact turns violent more blacks will be hurt or killed. If the deaths are all at the hands of black officers we will avoid a George Floyd type situation.”
EEOC rules state that “It is unlawful to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of race or color in regard to hiring, termination, promotion, compensation, job training, or any other term, condition, or privilege of employment.” Herbold rebuffed this concern and alleged that “undoing past discrimination will inevitably entail a period of reverse discrimination until the scales of social justice have been fully balanced.” Oddly, Herbold did not resign so a minority person could take her place and help right the decades of dominance of the City Council by whites.
Schumer Aid Package Excludes Whites
The $350 billion coronavirus aid package proposed by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) explicitly excludes whites from participating. The bill would fund child care programs, assistance for small businesses, tax credits for renters and Medicaid expansion for minorities.
Schumer acknowledged that many small businesses owned by whites “are likely to go into bankruptcy due to the shutdown of nonessential activities by governors across the nation,” but characterized this as “a beneficial side effect. There simply isn’t enough demand to sustain all of the small businesses that existed prior to the shutdowns. It may be years, if ever, before the previous level of prosperity can be regained. By excluding whites from the relief package we thin the competition in a way that will permit more minority-owned businesses to survive. I consider this one of the ways we atone for slavery and Jim Crow laws that hurt black-owned businesses in years past.”
Schumer’s bill is intended as an addition to the $3 trillion Heroes Act drafted by House Democrats. This act focuses on protecting the jobs of illegal immigrants and offers incentives to businesses that hire them. The bill also would automatically extend foreign worker visas and release most illegal immigrants currently detained by immigration officials.
In related news, Schumer is also pushing for a tax break for the top 1% in New York state as part of the upcoming Coronavirus Relief Bill currently under discussion in Congress. Basically, Schumer wants the $10,000 limit on the deduction of state taxes from federal taxes owed removed. “The limit on the ability to shift the burden of New York state government expenditures to taxpayers across the country is crucial to my state’s prosperity,” he says. “As Gov. Cuomo has pointed out, we have already milked our in-state taxpayers for as much as we can expect. Too many New Yorkers are leaving the state in search of lower tax jurisdictions. We must stanch this outflow or our state will be forced to pursue a more frugal stance toward spending.”
Seattle Mayor Wants Judge to Reverse Decision
King County Superior Court Judge Mary Roberts’ decision to allow a recall petition to go forward has Mayor Jenny Durkan (D) riled. Since it was the police use of tear gas to disperse a mob that inspired the petition, Durkan contends that “it is Police Chief Carmen Best who is really to blame. Look, I did everything I could to aid those disrupting the city. I ordered the police to leave them alone. I even ceded a bit of real estate for them to proclaim their autonomous zone. Chief Best went against my orders. It is unfair that I be recalled. Can’t I just fire Best?”
Judge Roberts said that “it is not my job to determine who is at fault. A recall is a political act. My role is strictly confined to whether the petition fits within the legal requirements. It does. If the petition gathers enough signatures a recall election will be held.”
Durkan is now said to be considering a city-wide stay-at-home order. “They need to get 50,000 signatures on the petition to force the issue to a ballot,” the Mayor observed. “If I make everyone stay home for the next few months there’ll be no way they can reach that number. And with COVID cases surging, it’s my duty to keep everyone indoors for their own good anyway. So it may be a win-win outcome for me.”
Smithsonian Institute Denounces White Oppression
In an exhibit called “Talking about Race,” National Museum of African American History & Culture illustrated the ways whites oppress other races. Among the white cultural traits that were lambasted were “rugged individualism,” “the scientific method,” “hard work,” “rational thinking,” “delayed gratification,” and “politeness.”
Museum Director Arnold Fartz explained that “the assumption that these traits are a good thing ignores the traits of non-white cultures. Consider the Aesop story of the ant and the grasshopper. In the individualistic white way of thinking it makes sense. But in a society governed by social justice, it is the grasshopper who is better adapted. He gets to play all day while the ant works. When the grasshopper is hungry the government compels the ant to share what he has produced. Now, you tell me, which is the smart one?”
As public awareness and outrage over this racist trash spread over the Internet, the Museum deleted the exhibit from its web page and sent Dr. Fartz back to the Harvard University Sociology Department “where his sensitively nuanced interpretations of human societies will be more appreciated among his fellow academicians.”
In related news, the US Army’s Equity and Inclusion Agency is teaching our troops that they are racists if they discuss any of the following ideas or phrases: “there is only one human race,” “all lives matter,” “American exceptionalism,” and “celebration of Columbus Day.” Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) was livid over “Army personnel illegally using federal government resources to distribute racist and partisan political propaganda in direct violation of federal law and military regulations.” On the other hand, former Vietnam War hero John Kerry said “it’s about time the troops were told the truth.”
Planned Parenthood Vows to Overturn Court Ruling
The recent US Supreme Court decision against forcing Catholic organizations to fund abortions was grist for a Planned Parenthood fund-raising initiative. Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson complains that “this decision upholds the administration’s horrible rules that allow employers and universities to follow their religious or moral beliefs and deny paying for abortions their employees and students want.”
“It is not enough that the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling allows women to terminate the lives of their unwanted children,” Johnson said. “Women won’t be fully free until they have the right to compel someone else to pay for the abortion procedure.”
Johnson rejected the argument that unwanted children could be put up for adoption, calling it “morally repugnant. The anti-choice propagandists assert that the life of an unborn child should take precedence over the convenience of the mother. They would burden a woman with the knowledge that her unwanted spawn was still alive somewhere. This nightmarish scenario unduly restricts the freedom of women to live their lives the way they wish.” She went on to encourage donors to “give as much as you can to our continuing battle for reproductive freedom.”
In related news, three teenage girls beat a pregnant woman in Brooklyn, Illinois this week. A boyfriend of one of the girls kicked the woman’s two-year-old daughter during the fight. He later excused his action by insisting “I was trying to kick the pregnant lady, not her little kid.” His mother spoke in his defense, saying “he’s a good boy. He would never intentional hurt a baby. He was trying to jump on the mother, but accidents happen.”
Pelosi Backs Omar in Primary
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) has endorsed Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) for reelection against challenger Antone Melton-Meaux. “Ilhan is a valued and important Member of our Caucus. In her first term, Ilhan has already established herself as a leader on a host of issues — from opposing the Jewish conspiracy to conquer the world to tearing down our republican form of government. In contrast, her opponent is pro-Israel, which as everyone knows is the only US ally and democracy in the Middle East.”
Thus far, Melton-Meaux has raised seven times as much in campaign contributions as Omar has—a fact that Pelosi says “gives him an unfair advantage. Not only has Ilhan raised less money, she’s had to pay her husband more than a million dollars for campaign advice. Her opponent doesn’t have these kinds of expenses. His wife is a doctor.”
Mayor Blames Trump for Escalating Violence
Portland Mayor Mayor Ted Wheeler blames President Trump for the violence and disorder raging in his city. “I’ve been trying to make a deal and all of his talk about law and order and sending help is making things worse,” he complained.
“Has Trump ever seen The Sopranos?” Wheeler asked. “Anyone who has knows that it is better to agree to give gangsters a piece of the action than to resist. As Tony Soprano would say ‘that way nobody has to get hurt.’ Well, giving the Antifa guys a piece of Portland is what I’ve been trying to do for the last six weeks. But Trump butting in is queering the deal.”
“While we’ve been releasing rioters as soon as they’re arrested, Trump’s federal goons have intervened and stopped the mob from sacking the federal courthouse, injuring one of the rioters in the process by discharging tear gas on him,” the Mayor said. “I’m not the only one who is upset with Trump. Gov. Kate Brown (D), Sen. Ron Wyden (D) have also denounced his interference.”
Wheeler has ordered federal agents in Portland to stay inside and says he has ordered local police to arrest them if they catch them outdoors in the city.
Chicago to Deploy “Census Cowboy”
Concerned about future fedral disbursements to her city, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced that a “Census Cowboy will be riding around the streets in an effort to count everyone and anyone. When I was a kid, I loved the Batman TV show. And when the city of Gotham had a real difficult challenge, one of the things the mayor there did is he called out and he sent out the distress signal to Batman. So, we are doing something similar for the census.”
“In order to avert an under-count, the Census Cowboy will be taking a cue from how we count COVID deaths,” the Mayor promised. “If no one answers the doorbell he will be authorized to record a probable number of residents and make a guesstimate of what their names are and what their responses would’ve been to the other questions on the census if they had been home when he knocked. And for efficiency’s sake, he will also register all of them to vote. And if he’s lucky he won’t get shot.”
De Blasio Announces Coordinated COVID Plan
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled what her termed “as fully coordinated a COVID plan as this nation has ever seen. The three key elements of this plan are (1) releasing as many jail inmates as possible, (2) keeping as many children out of school as we can, and (3) guarding the Black Lives Matter slogan painted on the street in front of the Trump Tower building.”
“The close confinement prisoners have to endure is a Petri dish for pathogens,” the Mayor explained. “Under my orders we have released so many inmates that we now have fewer people in our jails than any time since World War II. The number of lives I have saved among this population is incalculable.”
“Our public schools are second only to our jails in terms of the risk of coming down with a disease,” de Blasio said. “Ideally, no child should be subjected to this risk. However, those who pay the taxes to support the schools are becoming resistant to paying when their kids are home all the time. They count on schools to babysit their kids. So, I am directing that schools have in-classroom sessions only two or three times per week. This will at least moderate the COVID carnage that would otherwise take place.”
“Finally, I have assigned a force of 27 police officers to guard the Black Lives Matter mural around-the-clock,” he said. “This will spare protesters from the need to repaint it as they already have had to do after vandals defaced it. Secure in the knowledge that the quantity of officers available to interfere with their right to protest has been reduced, they can continue their nightly activities with less risk.”
Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani pointed out that “unfortunately for the Mayor’s aspirations, statistics do not portend success. Prisoner releases so far have coincided with a 130% increase in the number of shooting incidents in 2020 compared to 2019. Murders are up by 30%, burglaries by 118% , and auto thefts by 51%. On the school attendance issue, most virologists see little risk of COVID to children and advocate reopening schools for in-classroom instruction where they will likely be safer from predators than they would on the streets of the City. Finally, the diversion of police resources to guard the mural does nothing to stop gangsters from continuing their nightly fusillades that are taking more black lives than the much rarer incidence of police brutality ever has.”
In related news, Democratic Party strategist Michael Hopkins declared President Trump’s desire to protect suburbs from the rioting that has plagued numerous large cities to be “racist. The Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing (AFFH) program that Vice-President Biden and the entire Democratic Party are advocating is aimed at stopping the middle class from fleeing urban trouble spots. It’s probably not practical to order these people to move back to the urban centers, but we can mandate that suburbs be consolidated within the governing authority of the major metropolitan area. This would give Mayors like de Blasio access to a broader tax base and expand the breadth of his rule over a wider geographic region.”
Mayors Back Reparations Plan
The U.S. Conference of Mayors has endorsed a Democratic plan for slavery reparations. The cost of the plan was estimated by Professors Thomas Craemer (University of Connecticut), Trevor Smith (New York University), and Brianna Harrison (University of Memphis) in a paper–“Wealth Implications of Slavery and Racial Discrimination for African American Descendants of the Enslaved”–published in the Review of Black Political Economy.
According to their calculations, the unpaid hours slaves worked, the damage done by massacres and discrimination, and the interest added to these primary costs comes to a total of $151 million owed to each living descendant of a former slave. The apportioned share owed by each current US resident who is not a descendant of a slave comes to $19 million.
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) explained that “to be fair, only persons descended from slaves would be eligible to receive these reparations. Blacks whose ancestors came to this country after the emancipation would not be eligible. By way of illustration, former President Obama would not be eligible because his father was a native of Kenya who came to America in the early 1960s to attend the University of Hawaii. President Obama would be in the class of those liable for the $19 million prorated share to each US resident not descended from a former slave.”
“We envision two basic options for persons to make payments,” Booker said. “First, they may pay in cash. Now obviously, not everyone will have $19 million available or the credit to borrow that much. Those who can’t afford to pay in cash will be expected to pay in-kind. A payment in-kind would entail roughly 250 years of enslavement for each individual and his progeny. This would be followed by about 100 years of reverse Jim Crow treatment. After this, Congress willing, laws could be passed to guarantee the civil rights of those who survive the 350 years of bondage and discrimination.”
Washington NFL Team Gets New Name
After years of pressure, the Washington Redskins National Football League team has agreed to change its name. As compensation for the loss of value of the team’s inventory of trademarked gear, the team will be renamed the Washington Senators and be granted the privilege of employing a filibuster play in all home games. Once the Senators’ team captain or head coach notifies the referee that the team is calling for the filibuster play the ball may not be snapped unless 60 percent of the players on the field agree to allow the ball to be snapped.
Head Coach Ron Rivera says, “I would only call for a filibuster if we are leading by a small margin late in the game. Admittedly, this play would not be very exciting in itself, but a win is a win.”
Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.” His work has been cited on the Rush Limbaugh program.
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